So Hard To Say Goodbye

The moonlight streamed through the blinds, shimmering on the bodies of two beautiful men. One was sleeping peacefully. A light blanket had slid down, leaving bare muscular shoulders and broad chest for the silver light to touch. The other man was sitting in the chair facing the big bed. All dressed in black, only his pale face and emerald eyes lit up by the soft light.

The steady breathing from the sleeping man, the ancient blue light... it was almost magical. So peaceful and soothing, as if time stood still. But time didn't stand still, at least not for the seated man, very aware of the minutes passing, but with conflicting thoughts of leaving. An inner battle fought in silence, a battle vicious and cruel. Emerald eyes lifted to the man in the bed, oceans of emotions welling up in them... emotions including pain.

Oh how he wanted to crawl back into the big bed, to embrace the lonely man lying there. To protect him from the world, to feel safe and warm, snuggle closer and hear the steady heartbeats. To see the beautiful smile spread over his face, and to feel the big strong hands soothingly stroking his hair and shoulders.

Damn it! He didn't want to leave him; he didn't want to go. It got harder and harder every time. He actually wasn't sure anymore that he would survive those dirty little jobs he was so sick and tired of. It was all so much tougher now. He was dragged into this maelstrom, and he wasn't sure if he would be able to leave it alive, as it sucked him in deeper and deeper.

Oh how he wanted to come in from the cold. To be allowed to be human, to get to know himself again... with Mulder.

But however much he wanted that, he really didn't know how to do it. There were too many lives at stake, too many lives precious to him. He had thought of giving up sometimes and might have if he alone was in danger. He was so tired, deep down in the bone tired. But then there was this refractory will to stay alive, his survival instinct, and now also a completely different dimension to the will to live.

Krycek looked at his watch, knowing that he had to leave now. Also knowing how sad it would make Mulder, but unable to say goodbye face to face. He couldn't stand that, and he knew it was cowardly. He smiled, Krycek the coward, tasting the word, and then admitted to himself that he actually was that sometimes. Especially when it came to facing emotions, he knew that would make him weak and stupid... irrational, and that scared him. He had been building up this hard shell of his for such a long time, shutting out certain feelings in order to survive... and now it was slowly being taken down, piece by piece. A process that wouldn't occur without certain pain, no doubt.

A deep breath drawn, and then he stood up. Looking one last time at Mulder, as if to memorize his face. He had to go, but he would come back soon. He had to come back, and he had to go now in order to be able to do that.

Sighing heavily, whispering words in the language of his childhood.

"Do skorova svidaniya lyubimaya moya".

Then quickly and silently he left the room. Quickly so he wouldn't be able to regret leaving. Silently, so as not to wake Mulder, who would ask him to stay. Leaving the room, leaving Mulder, but knowing that they would see each other again soon. Keeping that thought in his heart while walking the dark cold streets, while facing the ugly and doing the insane.

***

End Note: Russian phrase at end is a direct attempt at pronunciation of "See you again my darling/sweetheart"