The Song Remembers When

When I heard that old familiar music start It was like a lighted match Had been tossed into my soul It was like a dam had broken in my heart
-- The Song Remembers When by Trisha Yearwood

Dressed only in cut-off jeans, Alex Krycek lay on the couch in the living room of the house he shared with Walter Skinner. When he heard Walter's key in the lock, Alex dropped the book he was reading and sat up. Walter had been gone all week, on FBI business, and to Alex's discontent, the trip had taken longer than expected.

Walter came in, stopping only to set his suitcase by the door, before going to say hello to his lover. Alex was grinning like a madman when Walter appeared before him. He pulled Walter down onto the couch, then turned and straddled Walter's lap, facing him.

"God, I missed you, Alex."

Alex leaned close to give Walter a welcome home kiss. "I missed you, too. So, are you too tired to fuck?"

Walter laughed. He was used to Alex being very to-the-point.

"I might have been when I came in, but seeing you like this," Walter said, reaching out to flick the jade bead on Alex's silver nipple ring, "I seem to have found my second wind."

Alex reached out to unbutton Walter's shirt, latching onto a nipple as he uncovered it.

"Alex, I really need a shower."

"Later. I like you all sweaty," he said, going back to what he was doing. When Walter was moaning, he pulled back. "I'm going for condoms and lube. You finish undressing."

"Yes sir," Walter said, laughing.

Alex paused on the stairs. "Well, excuse me, but I haven't had you in my ass all week, and I'm a little impatient."

"You're excused. I'm going to put on some music. I found something while I was away."

Walter undressed, then went to locate the album he'd found in a junk shop on a break during his trip. The men frequently, albeit good- naturedly, argued about the merits of vinyl recordings. Alex, claiming that compact discs were far superior medium, pretended to be annoyed with Walter's vinyl obsession, which took them to yard sales and flea markets. But Alex had become fond of their forays, finding old furniture and restoring it. He was especially proud of the roll top desk he'd redone for Walter's home office.

Walter went to put his newest find on the stereo, and soon a rough, soulful voice came through the speakers.

Alex had just started back downstairs when "Let's Get It On" started. Walter turned around to tell Alex, "I found this -- " and froze when he saw Alex had become deathly pale and dropped into a sitting position on the stairway. He rushed over.

"Alex?" Walter asked, thoroughly alarmed. "Talk to me!"

"It's ... oh, God. A long story. With a really bad ending."

"Come on," Walter said, urging Alex toward the couch. He sat down and held Alex close. "Can you tell me, Alex?"

Alex took a deep breath and began his story.

"Walter, you know my father was in the Mob. I'm sure I've mentioned that my Dad's boss was a guy named Paul Giancana. Paulie wasn't bad, as mobsters go, and for a long time he refused to become involved in the drug trade. But when other dealers started moving in, he decided that it was better to control the action than to be forced out of his own territory. Jake Johnson owned a club, a blues place..."

"You knew the singer?"

"Yes. Jake was mostly legit, but Paulie had his hooks in pretty tight. Jake was strict about his place, no underage drinking, no drugs. When he bought the club, he stopped touring, but he used to sing there sometimes. I used to hang out there, first tagging along with my father, later on my own. When I turned eighteen, I had my birthday party at the club. All my friends came, and Jake sang. That night, I was the last one out. I'd gotten drunk at the party, but I was sobering up, drinking coffee while I helped Jake clean up the place." Alex paused. "Walter, I need something to drink before I go on." he said, getting up.

"You stay. I'll get it. What do you want?"

"Water for now, but I'll need something stronger later."

Walter brought back water for both of them. Alex took a long drink and continued his story.

"I had realized I was gay when I was in my mid-teens. I tried to date girls, but it never felt right. I fooled around with a couple of guys in high school, you know, a hand job there, a blow job here, but never fucking. My dad -- I was scared shitless he'd find out about it if I did. Dad may have been in the Mob, but he and Mom were very devout Catholics and they believed homosexuals were evil people. I'd been attracted to Jake for a while though, and I believed he felt the same way about me." Alex reached for his glass and took another sip of water. Putting the glass back on the end table, he relaxed back into Walter's embrace before continuing with his story.

"Jake was a hugger, very affectionate. He hugged everyone, and he hugged me as I started to leave, telling me happy birthday again. That's when it began."

Both men were reluctant to break the hug. It seemed to Alex that he spent an eternity staring into those kind, blue eyes. Jake broke the spell by kissing him, and Alex felt desire flare between them. But when the kiss ended, Jake gently pushed Alex away. Alex didn't try to hide the hurt in his eyes.

"It's not that I don't want you, Alex," Jake said kindly. "Come on, let's sit down," he said as he led Alex to a table. "I *am* attracted to you."

"But?"

"But. You just turned eighteen, you're still a little high from that, and from the booze you drank tonight. I don't want to take advantage of you."

"But I want you, Jake."

Jake sighed. "I want you, too. Let me ask you this. Do your parents know you're gay?"

Alex looked down. "No."

"Do you know what your father would do if he knew what we were discussing?"

Alex shuddered. "I have some idea."

"Well, you're legal now. And I'm not saying no. I'm very flattered. Let's do this: Give it a few days. Come down from the euphoria of turning eighteen. Then, if you still want it, still want me, come back. We can wait. We're both adults."

Alex grinned. "Yeah, we're both adults. But, Jake?"

"Yes?"

"Will you kiss me again?"

"Yes, Alex. I'd like that." He kissed Alex, much more passionately than before. Alex was lightheaded when it was over.

"Jake, can I still come here while I'm waiting?"

"I won't tell you no. But I would like for you to spend some time around men your own age. I'm a lot older than you, Alex."

"That doesn't matter to me."

Jake shrugged. "Then use your own judgment. I trust you to do the right thing."

In the end, Alex *didn't* go around the bar while he was thinking it over. It was hard, not only because he still wanted Jake, but because he really missed the man's company. And he loved to hear Jake sing, that rough, smoky voice sending shivers down his spine.

He carefully went over in his mind how he honestly felt about Jake. He knew he wasn't attracted to Jake just for his looks. Jake was older, by more than fifteen years, and there was nothing remarkable about his looks. He was Alex's height, not muscular, although he took care of himself. His brown hair was gray around the edges. Alex considered Jake's pale blue eyes to be his best feature. And he had an undeniable sexiness, especially when he sang.

Alex loved listening to Jake spin stories about his days on the road, most of them funny. He also shared some of the unhappy times with Alex, telling him about his addiction to drugs, one reason he had gotten out of the business. Too much temptation, he said. And he cautioned Alex against using drugs himself. Other than smoking pot occasionally, Alex hadn't.

Alex waited three days, then went to the club as things were slowing down. Jake was in the middle of a song when Alex came in. He sat at a table in back and let Jake's voice wash over him. When Jake began the next song, Alex felt like Jake was singing just for him.

"I've been really tryin' baby Trying to hold back this feeling for so long And if you feel like I feel, come on, oh come on Let's get it on, ahhh baby Let's get it on, let's love baby Let's get it on, sugar, let's get it on whooo"

Alex was already thinking of what would be happening soon between him and Jake. The words Jake was singing only served to fuel his arousal.

"Don't you know how sweet and wonderful life can be I'm askin' you baby, to get it on with me I ain't gonna worry, I ain't gonna push Won't push you baby So come on,come on, come on, come on, come on baby Stop beatin' round the bush"

Alex closed his eyes, praying he could keep it together until he was alone with Jake.

"So let's get it on In the morning noon and night time Get it on, love somebody good yeah yeah You know you got to come on out and get it on Keep gettin' it on Let's get it on Keep gettin' it on Keep gettin' it on"

By the time the song ended, Alex was painfully hard. As Jake left the stage, he announced last call. Alex stayed where he was, waiting for the place to clear. When the bartender and waitresses left and Jake had locked up, he went to Alex.

"I take it you made up your mind."

"I want you," Alex said simply.

Jake held out his hand. "Let's go upstairs."

Alex had been determined he wouldn't be nervous, but once upstairs, he turned shy. He knew Jake wouldn't hurt him, but he was afraid his inexperience would disappoint the older man. He stood nervously inside Jake's sparsely furnished bedroom, clenching and unclenching his fists.

"Relax, Alex, I'll take care of you."

"I know. I just ... I've never ... "

"You've never had intercourse."

"No. There was this guy at school, but we never went farther than hand jobs and sucking each other off."

"Alex, whatever happens with us, you always use a rubber. Whoever you're with. You hear me?"

"I know."

"Okay. We're going to take this slow. If I hurt you, or you decide you don't want to, we'll stop."

"O-okay." Alex said as he started to undress.

Jake shook his head. "Come here and sit down, Alex. We have all night -- and I want to do that."

Alex went to sit on the bed.

"Alex, I meant what I said. I won't hurt you, you know that, right?"

"I know. I trust you, Jake."

Jake leaned over to kiss Alex softly.

"Could you kiss me like last time? I liked that."

Jake smiled. He took possession of Alex's mouth, mapping it with his tongue, thrusting roughly. Alex was a little dazed when it was over. "I love the way you kiss, Jake."

"Let me undress you now, Alex?"

"Mmm, yeah."

Jake eased Alex's t-shirt over his head, and reached out to rub his dusky nipples, loving the way they hardened under his touch. When he pinched the hard points, Alex gasped.

"You like that, Alex?"

"Yes!" Alex hissed. "More!"

Jake leaned down and sucked one nipple, then the other. Alex moaned and arched his chest.

"Alex, stand up for me."

Alex stood, though his legs were shaky. He toed his boots off, then Jake was unbuttoning his jeans. He pushed them down, stroking Alex's thighs as he did. As Alex shivered from the sensation, Jake pushed down Alex's briefs, freeing his hard cock. Jake knelt and took it in his mouth, sucking hard and bringing Alex off quickly. Alex shrieked as he shot down Jake's throat, and would have slid to the floor if not for Jake supporting him. He eased Alex back onto the bed.

Alex looked confused. "Why did you do that?"

"Like I told you, we have all night, and I want you relaxed for your first time. Besides, you're young, you'll recover quickly."

Alex licked his lips and asked shyly, "Jake, can I undress you?"

Jake smiled. "Of course."

Alex unbuttoned Jake's shirt, and reached out to touch his chest, rubbing his thumb over a nipple.

"Can I suck them?"

"Yeah. Bite them, too. I like that."

Alex sucked at them, then bit gently until Jake said roughly, "Harder." Alex did, loving how it made Jake moan, knowing he had caused that reaction. Alex finished undressing Jake, then got to his knees to lick hungrily at Jake's thick, leaking cock. Alex looked up at Jake, eyebrows raised.

Jake let out a shuddery breath. "God, that feels so good. But stop when I tell you, okay? I don't want to come yet. I won't recover as quickly as you."

Jake was moaning loudly and was close to the edge when he pulled himself back, roughly pulling his cock from Alex's talented mouth. "Stop!"

Alex looked up at Jake.

"I was close to losing it," Jake said, panting. "Let me fuck you now?"

While Alex got into position, on his knees, Jake got condoms and lube.

Seeing Alex waiting for him, Jake blurted, "God, you're beautiful."

Taking his time, Jake used his lube-slicked fingers to open Alex, while his other hand fondled Alex's balls and stroked his hardening cock. When he was satisfied Alex was prepared, he slipped a condom over his weeping cock and positioned himself.

"Alex, I'm going to go slowly, but I want you to tell me if I need to stop. I want your first time to be good, okay?"

Alex could only nod. Jake eased himself in, giving Alex time to adjust. Alex felt the burn as his muscle stretched, and he tensed. Jake, feeling the increase in resistance, stopped.

"Alex?"

"I'm okay," Alex managed.

Jake pushed in, almost all the way, then eased back out a little before pushing back in. "Still okay, Alex?"

Alex, dazed by the sensations assailing him, was only able to nod again. Jake started thrusting lazily, in no hurry, wanting to make this good for Alex. He reached around to touch Alex, pinching his nipples and moving on to his cock. Alex began to pant, whimpering when Jake touched his cock.

"Jake," Alex moaned. "This is so -- ahh -- feels so good."

"God, Alex, *you* feel good. You're so tight, and you have no idea how sexy you look."

Jake started to thrust harder, Alex rising up to meet each thrust. As Jake started to lose it, he pumped Alex's cock steadily.

"Come for me, Alex!" Alex came with an incoherent screech, followed closely by Jake.

Jake got up, disposing of the condom and wiping Alex off gently with a towel before getting back in bed.

"You okay, Alex?"

"I'm -- yeah. I never imagined ... you know?"

"I know. I'm not good at all this talking, but I want you to know -- this probably sounds really lame. But I'm honored that you trusted me to be your first. That means a lot to me."

"I do trust you. Thank you for making it special, making *me* feel special."

Alex spent the rest of the night in Jake's arms. After that, they saw each other when they could, as discreetly as possible. Alex started college, insisting on going to one nearby. Jake warned that unless Alex kept his grades up, they couldn't see each other.

Jake taught him a lot in those months, not only about making love, but *how* to love.

One night, a little over four months into their relationship, Alex came to the club, late as usual. He arrived in the middle of an argument. Two of Paulie's goons were there, telling Jake "One way or another, you're gonna do it."

Alex walked right up into the middle of it.

"What's going on?"

The larger of the two men, one Alex didn't recognize, told him to mind his own business.

"This *is* my business," Alex said.

The other goon, Eddie, the one Alex had seen before, said, "Easy, Frank, that's Vic's kid."

The man didn't acknowledge that, only told Jake, "Remember what we said."

After they left, Alex went to Jake. "Are you all right? Did they hurt you?"

"No, I'm fine."

"And what was that about?"

"Nothing for you to worry about, Alex."

"It sounded like they were threatening you."

"No, it's fine. Just a misunderstanding. Let's go upstairs. I missed you."

And Alex let Jake take him upstairs and make him forget his questions.

Soon after, Alex started to hear things, such as his father talking about Paulie and changes in the Giancana family's operation. How they had expanded their operation, moving into drugs and prostitution. Several times Alex had tried to talk to Jake about what he'd overheard, but he either got distracted or Jake brushed it off.

Then one day, Alex got a call at school from one of Jake's bartenders, Dante, telling him Jake was in the hospital.

Alex slid down to the floor as he asked, "How bad is it? What happened?"

"He'll live. He got roughed up, but -- just come, okay? I thought you needed to know."

Alex left immediately.

Jake was asleep when he arrived, bandages not completely concealing the dark blue bruises adorning his throat. Alex sat by his bed until he woke up.

"Alex?" He whispered.

Alex smiled. "You had me scared, Jake."

"You shouldn't be here," Jake said, still whispering.

"We're alone, you don't have to whisper."

"Alex, they ... they did more than beat me up. They crushed my larynx. The doctor says I'll never sing again."

Alex slumped in his chair, devastated. He knew how much singing meant to Jake, that it and the club were his life.

"What's this about, Jake? Why did they do it?"

Jake sighed. "Paulie wanted me to start running drugs in my club. Said I owed him."

"Who did it?" Alex asked, barely containing his fury.

Jake shook his head. "I'm not telling you, Alex. You leave this alone," he rasped.

"I'll find out."

"Alex, you're the best thing in my life. Don't do this, don't be like them."

Just then, Harry, Alex's father's second in command, came in.

Alex got in his face. "How the fuck could you let them do this?"

"Calm down, Alex. *We* didn't do anything. We all have orders to follow. If Jake had just done as he was told, nothing would've happened."

"Was it Paulie's people?"

"Go home, Alex. Your father would not be pleased."

"Answer me, you son of a bitch!"

"Alex! Don't make me have to tell your father ... "

"Fuck you!" Alex yelled as he stormed out.

"You found him and killed him?" Walter asked Alex softly.

Alex laughed bitterly. "No. By the time I learned who did it -- it was Frank -- Jake had left the hospital and found him. Jake killed Frank, but then Frank's goons shot Jake. I held Jake as he died. He told me he loved me before he bled out. I was sitting there, holding him and crying, when my dad showed up. He told two of the guys to take me to his office while they cleaned up the mess. Later, when he came to the office, he beat the hell out of me. Called me a fag, a pervert, told me I was going to hell. I didn't fight back. I left that night and never looked back."

"Oh, Alex. I wish it could've been different for you."

"Yeah," Alex said with a twisted smile, "the ironic thing is, my father would be so proud of what I became."

"Are your parents still alive?"

"No, my dad died years ago, and my mom died a few years later."

"What about your sisters?"

"They probably think I'm dead, if they think of me at all. When Mom died, I called home. My oldest sister, Teresa, told me I didn't need to come home, especially if I was still living a perverted lifestyle, that my being there would only disgrace our parents' memory. She made it sound like it would've been okay if I was killing people for a living, but if I was still getting my ass fucked, that was an unforgivable sin."

Alex rubbed his hand over his face. "Sorry, Walt. I could use a real drink now."

Walter went and poured them both a Scotch and brought it back to the couch. As Alex sipped his, Walter asked, "So you've never been back?"

"No. Not since I was eighteen."

"Alex, is there anything I can do to make this better for you?"

Alex moved over to curl up in Walter's arms. "Make love to me? Help me forget all this and make me yours again?"

Walter stood and reached for Alex's hand. "Come on."

He led Alex upstairs, and gently undressed him. Walter used his hands and mouth to show Alex how much he adored him, how special he was. When Alex was rock hard and moaning, Walter lubed him and preceded to make slow but passionate love to the man he felt privileged to share his life with. There were no words, only moans and whimpers as they rocked together to a climax. Walter cleaned them up and held Alex close as he drifted into an exhausted sleep.

Alex remained morose during the next few days, not at all the vibrant, playful man Walter was accustomed to. He hated seeing Alex like that and finally sat him down to try and find a solution.

"Alex, is there anything we can do about this? You need some closure, so you can move on."

"I thought I *had* closure," Alex said, misery clear in his voice. "I had consciously *not* thought about Jake for so long."

"It would have happened sooner or later."

"I wish ... I didn't even go to his funeral. I don't even know if there *was* a funeral."

"Did he have family?"

"A mother, but I'm sure she's dead now. Some cousins maybe."

"Someone he was close to?"

Alex thought for a minute. "Dante. Dante Carlino. He was a bartender at the club. He used to be a roadie when Jake was in the business. They were close and he knew about us."

"Let's find him."

Alex stood by Jake's grave. Walter stood by the car, giving Alex some privacy. He let his memories of Jake flow through his mind. The way he looked when he sang, his face flushed and sweaty, having the time of his life. Jake laughing as he told a story. And when they made love, the intense desire in Jake's eyes as he looked at Alex, making him feel loved and wanted.

"Ah, Jake," Alex whispered, tears streaming down his face. "I loved you so much. You taught me so many things, but more importantly, you were the one who showed me what love really means."

Alex gently placed the roses he'd brought on the grave.

"Thank you," Alex said, then walked back to where Walter was waiting to take him home.