Symbols

11/12/94

Psych students and English students have more than a few things in common. We both had to bullshit papers with the best to graduate. We both have to pay some attention to those who came before, but have our own ideas, too. We both tend to identify with problems and events we study. And we both think in terms of symbols. Damn if I want to consider a rental car a symbol, though, of... well, anything really. I have to use these things too often. It really is perfect, though.

Sleek and new, just like 'Agent' Alex Krycek. (Did he really graduate Quantico? Would Scully have been able to find anyone there who remembered teaching him? I can't be paranoid; Scully really was gone.) I mean, that haircut, and all the hair gel. And the smooth skin and shiny, new-agent enthusiasm. Not enough of an ass-kisser to be a blue-flamer. I really thought he just loved the job.

Glossy and clean-lined on the outside. Just like Alex Krycek. Even if his suits actually managed to be worse than my ties, according to the gossip mill. (The advantage of being red/green colorblind is that my ties don't hurt my eyes.) Krycek is on the pretty side of good-looking - the mouth, I think, and the skin, put him into an almost feminine loveliness rather than handsomeness. But... clean-lined, yeah. I wonder what his hair's like without that shit in it?

Fast-moving and sharp on the corners, both of them. He certainly managed to catch up with me when I took the case file and the car keys and vanished on him, I'll give him that. And he could follow my theories. Even knew when I was bullshitting him to see if he'd buy it or not. He had an interesting angle on the cases, too. Or maybe he knew more than I did, and was just trying to find a story I'd buy to lead me away from the truth?

Responsive? Yeah, that's another one of those automotive terms that fits him. He was good, I'll give him that. Part of me wants my hands around his throat and part of me wishes I could have had a little longer with a partner who listened to my theories and knew what he was shooting down. Yeah, it was an act. But it was a good act.

Both growl when you started them up in the morning, and need fuel. He didn't steal too many of my sunflower seeds, but he guarded those M&Ms.

And apparently, both of them have ash trays for cigarettes.

Oh, yeah. And like car ads, the ads for Alex Krycek were apparently misleading. There I was, talking about the truth is out there... it must have been. It sure wasn't here.

He asked if he could crash at my apartment after he shot Augustus Cole. Said he was in no shape for driving. Part of me is glad I let him sleep on the couch, that he knew where things were when Skinner made him my watchdog that first night Scully was gone... but having his scent on the couch is like test driving a car you can't afford. You keep remember how it felt under your hands, and wishing yours had that 'new car' smell....

No point in wishing for things you can't have.

If I could quit expecting so much, I might not be let down so often.

No. If I could do that, I wouldn't still be looking for Samantha. I wouldn't have kept looking for Scully.

It still feels like betrayal, though.

3/9/98

Mulder, why in hell do you keep hunting for the truth when all you ever had to do was look inside to see it? Believe what you know. Quit believing what they tell you, you idiot. I'd give you a true word, just so you could have something to set your compass by, but you've already had one.

Screw it. Fine. Here. Have six. Don't forget them, this time.

Resist or serve.

Fight or die.

They don't get any truer, Mulder.

Make up your mind soon. And once you do? Search it. You always have known more than you thought.

Luck to you, tovarisch.

Writer's Note: the two dates are, respectively, the air dates for "One Breath" (i.e., after Scully's back, but before she's necessarily conscious, or Mulder caught up on his sleep/food/normal state of mind) and "Red and the Black." Ever wondered what Krycek was doing while he waited for Mulder in his apartment?

Lines used, in part or whole marked with an asterisk. Songs used this time: 'Hey Jealousy' and 'Bluebird'. Thanks to Hillary for the lyrics.

Bluebird
(sung by Emmylou Harris)

If you were a bluebird you'd be a sad one
I'd give you a true word *
But you've already had one *
If you were a bluebird,
you'd be crying
You'd be flying home
If you were a raindrop,
You'd shine like a rainbow
And if you were a train stop,
The conductor would sing low
If you were a raindrop,
You'd be falling
You'd be calling home

If you were a hotel
Honey, you'd be a grand one
But, if you hit a slow spell,
Do you think you could stand one
If you were a hotel,
Well I'd lean on your doorbell
I'd call you my home
If I was a highway,
I'd stretch alongside you
I'd help you pass by ways
That had dissatisfied you
If I was a highway,
Well I'd be stretchin'

I'd be fetchin' you home Hey Jealousy
(Gin Blossoms)
tell me do you think it would be all right
if I could just crash here tonight *
you can see I'm no shape for driving )
and anyway, I got no place to go
and you know it might not be that bad
you were the best I ever had
if I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone
tomorrow we can drive around this town
let the cops chase us around
the past is gone but something might be found
to take its place...hey jealousy
and you can trust me not to think
and not to sleep around
if don't expect too much from me *
you might not be let down *
cause all I really want is to be with you
feel like I matter too
if I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you
tomorrow we can drive around this town
let the cops chase us around, etc...