Time After Time

Alex sat beside the water, staring down into the clear crystal depths. He had been sitting underneath the large elm beside the lake for most of the morning.

It was so quiet and peaceful here, nothing stirred except for the occasional bird, or small animal rustling in the undergrowth nearby.

Alex had grown to love it here, learning to adapt to the land around him. He had soon grown used the steady rhythm of the countryside. Getting up when the sun rose, going to bed as the sun set. His body had grown accustomed to the fresh air and good solid country food. Now he was totally at peace.

He looked up as a flock of geese flew overhead, winter was coming and they were migrating to a warmer climate. In his heart, Alex wished them well. In one way he wished that he were flying with them, searching for somewhere where he could settle down and live out the rest of his life. But he was content to be where he was right now. All things considered, he could be in a far worse place.

Should be getting back soon, he'll be wondering where I am. The thought flickered through Alex's mind. He did not wish to return to the cabin. In fact he dreaded it. The endless questions, the demands to know where he had been, what he had done. It was growing tiresome but there was nothing he could do about it. At the moment he was stuck.

He felt no self pity over his situation though, in one way he realized that he had done this to himself. He was the one that had decided to join the Consortium. He had been the one that had approached the Smoking Man with a proposition. He had made the decisions and had dealt the cards. Now as the Well Manicured Man was fond of saying, he was playing them where they lay.

Sometimes he dreamed of freedom, he dreamed of the elusive and the sometimes frustrating sensation of being completely unfettered. Of being entirely himself, but he knew that ultimately it was an illusion. A dream that for him could never come true. A dream of being with the one man that he loved, the one man that he desired above all.

Alex could close his eyes and see the face of his beloved. If he sat sat very quiet, scarcely breathing he could almost feel the gentle touch of those well shaped hands. He could hear the smoky rich voice whisper the secrets of the universe in his ear.

And what those secrets were? Well that didn't matter, never did. The words were not important, it was the closeness, the strength, the passion. That had made Alex feel more alive than anything else.

"Mulder." Was it a plea or a curse? Alex opened his eyes, disturbed to find that they were wet. Why weep now? He had fucked it up all so badly. He'd had his chance and through his own weakness, his own lies, he had betrayed the man that he had grown to love the most.

Lies, that's what his entire life had been built on. Lies and more lies. Now, here he was sitting beside a lake, watching as the day grew older. Waiting for...what exactly? For his life to change? Only he could do that. Only he could change his life and change his future.

He glanced at the expensive watch that sat on his wrist. A gift from the old devil himself. Alex could never quite work out why Spender had given it to him. It sure was not out of a sense of gratitude, or even guilt. No Spender had gone way beyond any of the finer human emotions. Through the steady progression of the disease, the old man had finally become a true monster. Alex had learned that a long time back. The watch, it had been little more than a bribe.

Stay with me, the old man had pleaded, cajoled, demanded. Stay and care for me while I die inch by slow inch. I have no one else and I need you. Oh he had never said those words, he never had to but still they had hung unspoken in the air. Spender had given Alex the watch, a solid gold Rolex and had smiled that cold smile his pale rheumy eyes never leaving the younger man's face. Alex had accepted the gift, the bribe and had later dammed himself for it.

So he had stayed, simply because he had no where else to go. Then Spender had decided to take them both to the small cabin hidden deep in the mountains. There they would stay living together. The old man slowly dying and Alex waiting for him to die.

Slowly he climbed to his feet and headed back towards the cabin. It was growing colder, summer had slowly turned to autumn and now autumn was betraying them all by allowing winter to creep it's way in on it's frozen ass.

"It'll start snowing soon." Alex said aloud to no one in particular. Did he really want to spend a winter snowed in with Spender?

"I don't think so." He whispered. Because then there would be no escape. No being able to get away from the labored wheezing as the old man struggled to draw breath. No escaping from the cold dank smell as the old man's organs shut down one by one. No escaping the harsh scratchy voice as it whispered it's secrets to Alex, as he unburdened himself knowing that death was so very near now.

The old man had felt a sudden pressing need to share all his dark knowledge with his young assistant. Alex had not wanted to hear what the old man had to say, but it was difficult to escape Spender's voice as weak as it was in the confines of the small cabin. So he had no choice but to listen as Spender's tale of evil and deception unfolded to Alex's unwilling ears.

"I want to return to Mulder." Alex stopped, surprised that he had spoken the words aloud. But it was true, he so badly wanted to go back to Washington DC, to where his dark haired, hazel eyed lover resided. Back to his arms, to the memory of his love, his desire.

To be able to take his cock into his mouth, to taste the bittersweet salt flesh, the familiar musky scent that had always driven Alex mad with need.

"It's our anniversary soon." Alex said softly. His and Mulder's. The first time that they had made love. The first time that Mulder had ever been with a man.

Alex had been with men before, he had broken in many a sweet virgin ass. None of them had meant anything to him though. It had only been sex, something that had fulfilled a need. Then all that had changed when Mulder had come along.

Dear sweet vulnerable hurting Fox Mulder, just ripe for the plucking. And how easy it had been. Even now remembering the first night that Alex had taken Mulder's ass cherry, the colour flooded his cheeks.

It had all seemed so simple then, breaking through Mulder's defenses, using his loneliness and need for human contact. The Smoking Man had told him that it would be easy, and so it had been.

"Get close to him, gain his trust. Get him to open up to you." Spender had instructed Alex. And so Alex had, but he had never bargained on falling in love with the FBI agent. No, that had definitely not been part of the game plan.

Suddenly Alex knew what he wanted, no, what he needed to do.

He would leave the old man, to hell with being safe here. To hell with the alien invasion, in fact to hell with everything.

As much as he had grown to love this place, to crave the peace and tranquillity he would go back. He knew that Mulder would probably shoot him on sight, but it would be worth it. It would be worth the risk to see Mulder's face once more. To look into the eyes of the man that he loved. He would look into those eyes and say the words that he wanted to say.

He would leave Spender, let him die alone and unloved. Let him lie here unmourned. Alex was no longer going to hide. He was no longer going to live his life dreaming over what might have been. No, even if it meant death, he would go back and see Mulder one last time.

He wanted to spend the anniversary of their first night together with him just one more time. Then whatever consequences there was to face, well he would face them standing on both his feet. He may be less an arm, but he was more of a man now than he had ever been.

He would tell Spender he was leaving, and then he would gather up his shit and he would walk out the door.

And let the cards fall where they may, it was time to start living again.

And after all, he had an anniversary to celebrate.