He sighed, cut the water, and stepped out of the shower, then dried off
quickly, slinging the damp towel around his hips. He headed out of the
steam-filled bathroom and stopped dead in his tracks. Alex Krycek was sitting
on the bed, one hand in the pocket of the leather jacket he was wearing, with
his gun in his other hand, resting easily on his slender, jean-clad thigh.
Krycek smiled gently at Mulder's stunned expression, seeing him, seeing the
gun. His smile turned somewhat sad as the familiar wariness and distrust
clouded Mulder's features and he sighed.
"It's all right, Mulder, I'm not here to hurt you," he said, in a soft voice
that the agent had never heard before. He grinned slightly at Mulder's pointed
look at the gun in his hand before he held it out for him to take, offering it
to the man butt first.
Mulder's eyes widened a bit before he carefully closed the distance between
them and gingerly removed his weapon from Krycek's outstretched hand, ignoring
the muted tingle he felt as their fingers made brief contact. He wasn't going
to think about that now; he didn't need the distraction. Being distracted
around Alex Krycek could get him killed. He sighed; if Krycek had wanted him
dead, he would've been, easily. He knew he should be calling Scully, or
Skinner, but he'd never seen the look on the other man's face that he was
seeing now and, he had to admit, his curiosity was piqued.
"Krycek, what the
hell do you want?" he asked, tiredly, not really understanding or trusting the
wry, sad smile on the other man's face.
Alex snorted softly, almost a chuckle, looking up at Mulder. "You're holding
it in your hand, Mulder," he said quietly, seeing the confusion cross the other
man's face as he looked at his gun. "But, not exactly like that."
Krycek reached next to him for the bathrobe thrown carelessly over the foot
of the bed and tossed it to Mulder, who put the gun on the bedside table, then
slipped the robe on, stepping into the bathroom to throw the towel over the
bar.
"Sit down, please, I need to talk to you," Krycek said, still speaking
quietly, as though to keep from spooking Mulder, when he came back into the
bedroom.
Mulder ran his fingers through his still-damp hair, deciding, for the
moment, to humor him. The faster he cooperated, the faster the man would get
the hell out of here. He took a seat on the bed a reasonably safe distance from
Krycek, as though the rogue agent carried a contagion he was afraid to catch.
In reality, he simply didn't think he could stand to be too close to Alex.
Pieces of himself were beginning to wake up and pay attention to their
surroundings, for the first time in weeks. He really didn't need this. Or,
maybe he did, but he didn't want Krycek to be the one responsible for it. He
turned his thoughts outward, as the other man began to speak.
"I need your help," Krycek started slowly, ignoring Mulder's incredulous
look. "I have a brain tumor, right about here," he pointed to a spot towards
the back of his skull, about halfway between his ear and the nape of his neck.
"A couple of inches in, and it's inoperable. It's killing me, Fox," he paused,
meeting Mulder's startled hazel eyes with his own clear green. "But not quickly
enough. I need your help." He took a shuddering breath, let it out slowly. "I
want you to help me die."
Mulder sat there, knowing his shock was written all over his face, trying
not to feel like someone had kicked him in the gut. "Krycek..." he started,
when Alex interrupted him. "Look, I know that this is probably a dream come
true for you, but hear me out, please," he halted for a moment, looking to
Mulder as though he were gathering himself together. "I don't want my body
pulled out of a dumpster with a bullet hole in the back of the skull. I don't
want to be dredged out of a lake after the spring thaw, or have my
unidentifiably charred remains discovered after a car-bomb explosion. I don't
want to be found, garroted, in a ditch somewhere, or have parts of me turn up
all over the country, a leg in Nebraska, a hand in Miami," he paused at what he
thought was Mulder's grimace of distaste. "And I don't want to check into a
hospital and spend months waiting to die, or be killed by a total stranger
poisoning my I-V line." He stopped, ran his hand through his already tousled
hair, and sighed with resignation.
"I don't know, maybe I deserve to die like that," he started again, when
Mulder interrupted him.
"No one deserves to die like that, Alex," Mulder said quietly, buried under
the weight of his own thoughts, yet surprising Alex when he didn't add 'Not
even you.'
"I don't want to die like that, Fox," he whispered, then cleared his
throat, allowing his voice to come out a little louder. "My life, lately, has
been ugly, vicious, violent, and solitary," he said softly, meeting Mulder's
gaze. "I just don't want my death to be the same way, that's all."
Mulder cleared his throat, his own sympathy for Krycek surprising him. When
was the last time he'd felt that for anyone, why Alex Krycek?
"Why do you need my help? Why can't you just..." he trailed off at the odd
look on the other man's face.
Krycek brought his right hand up and knocked on his left arm. Mulder's
eyes closed slowly as he cringed inside at the hollow sound echoing from an arm
that was no longer flesh. He opened his eyes to see Alex looking at him, his
sad expression mirroring Mulder's.
"They're taking me a piece at a time, Fox," he said, in a rough voice. "I
want to die before there's nothing left of me that I recognize." He stopped as
he watched Mulder turn his head, trying to hide his pity, he thought, until the
man turned back and he saw the sadness in the hazel eyes.
"I can't do this myself or I would; I need your help. Fox, with everything
they've done to you, everything they've taken from you, they've never been able
to touch your compassion, or your capacity for mercy," he said, seeing Mulder's
eyes widen. "I'm counting on that, now. Please, Fox ... help me die."
Mulder shook his head, not saying 'no', but incredulously. "I thought you
hated my guts, Alex," he said, some of his dry humor coloring the words.
Krycek smiled wryly at him. "That's a coin you really need to turn over,
Fox," he answered quietly. It took about a four-count, but finally Mulder's
eyes widened, his expression stunned.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," he said, shaking his head in denial
and something that almost felt like despair. Why this? Why now?
Krycek sighed. "There are things you need to know. I don't know if it'll
make it easier for you, or harder," he paused, taking a deep breath, looking
Mulder square in the eye.
"I did not kill your father, Fox," he stopped, seeing the other man's eyes
narrow. "I was there, in the bathroom, hiding in the shower, when the shot came
through the window. I left the same way, before you got to him." Mulder's eyes
had closed while Krycek was talking, opened, the wounded look in them cut right
through Alex. "What were you doing there?" Mulder asked him, in a deadly calm
voice.
"I needed to talk to him, warn him. I wanted him to try to distract you from
what you were doing, send you off in another direction, a safer one. They were
so close to taking you and Scully out altogether. You were more of a liability
to them then you knew. I thought that if I talked to your father, maybe he
could offer you something else to chase, to protect you. I didn't think they'd
kill him to keep you from getting to the truth." He stopped, seeing that Mulder
believed him, relieved by it.
"I didn't kill Scully's sister, either," he halted at the disbelief in
Mulder's eyes, but he needed to tell him. "Cardinale and I were there, I
thought, to plant a few bugs, surveillance equipment. She came through the
door, and he shot her, said he 'panicked'," Krycek said with scorn that Mulder
could easily hear. "But, I saw the look on his face when I turned her over," he
looked at Mulder, openly and honestly. "He wasn't panicked, he was pissed.
It might have looked like a convincing accident, but it stunk, let me tell
you. He was there to kill your partner. I didn't know, Fox, I swear to you, I
didn't know. I remember the hell you went through when they took Scully,
there's no way I'd have gone along with killing her." He stopped at the
amazement on Mulder's face. "Why would it have mattered to you, one way or the
other, Krycek?" Mulder asked with quiet bitterness.
"It wouldn't have mattered to me, but it would've mattered to you... and
that would've mattered to me," Krycek said simply. "And the why is the reason
I'm here." He paused, looking at Mulder, gently smiling. "Fox," he nearly
whispered, looking down at the arm that wasn't, "I want you to be the one I
see before I die, not some nameless, faceless assassin."
He looked up at Mulder, seeing again the compassion and sorrow, for him, and
it rocked him. He felt an unfamiliar burning in his eyes and surprised himself
when he felt the first tear travel slowly down his cheek. He caught it on his
fingers and stared. Christ, he couldn't remember the last time he'd cried. He
met Mulder's searching gaze, watched with shock as the man moved closer to him,
and saw his hand slowly come up, gentle fingers brushing away the tears falling
from his eyes.
Mulder felt like he was moving on autopilot, lighting touching Alex's face,
marvelling at the softness of the man's skin. Damn, tears made him seem so
human, not the monster he'd tried so hard to convince himself he hated. He
could barely bring himself to admit, honestly, that what he felt for Alex was
no longer hatred, if it ever had been. He mentally shook himself and brought
his attention back to the man before him. "How?" he asked softly, watching as
Alex reached into the pocket of his leather jacket and pulled out a syringe and
a small, glass vial of clear liquid, then a section of thin, rubber tubing.
Damn, the man had come prepared. He took the vial and looked at Alex
questioningly.
"Morphine, enough to kill me several times over," Krycek said, tired yet
relieved, almost happy that Mulder would give him this, do this for him, even
after everything.
Mulder took them from him, gently, and reached back to set them on the table
by the bed, putting the gun in the drawer. He turned toward Alex to see him
rubbing his forehead with his hand, thumb on one temple, middle finger on the
other, slowly massaging in small circles.
"Headache?" he asked, softly.
Krycek nodded. "Yeah, they've been getting worse the last few weeks," he
said, not even hearing the bone-weary fatigue in his voice.
Mulder, though, heard it clearly, and scooted even closer to Alex, shifting
until he was sitting cross-legged on the bed, nearly touching the man next to
him. He briefly hesitated, then tentatively reached out and brought his hands
to the man's head, a palm on each temple, and continued the movements, the
gentle circles, hearing Alex's groan and sigh.
God, it felt good and Krycek's head bowed as though it was too heavy for his
neck to support. He started somewhat to feel a gentle hand on the back of his
neck, pushing his head forward onto Mulder's shoulder. He leaned into the
contact, breathing in the scent of the man, just-washed clean and Mulder making
a dizzying combination. He felt those hands move through his hair, up from his
neck, over the top of his head, fingers splayed, fingertips rubbing over his
scalp. Alex sighed. Damn, nothing had felt this good in ages. He moved his hand
up Mulder's back, not really thinking about it, feeling the warmth of the man's
skin through the thin fabric of the robe.
Warnings were sounding loudly in Mulder's head, but he ignored them. He'd
had his fill of pain and death in recent years; if there was anything he could
do to ease the one while giving Alex the other, by God, he would. He felt the
man shiver slightly as he let his hands travel gently over Alex's neck, working
the tight shoulders through the soft leather. Damn, his thin frame had gotten
thinner since the last time Mulder had seen him. He pulled back slightly,
watching Alex's face as he unzipped the leather jacket. The man was so pale,
almost ashen, his eyes tired, the once vibrant, startling green now somewhat
faded. He slipped the jacket off Alex's shoulders and eased it down his arms,
tugging on the cuffs to get it off, then tossed it onto the chair near the bed.
"Help me get this off?" Krycek asked him, rapping again on the artificial
arm. "It wasn't part of the original equipment when I came into the world,
damned if I'm going out with it," he said wryly, seeing the rusty grin on
Mulder's face, as he undid the fastenings and carefully eased it off, leaning
to set it on the chair under the jacket, out of sight.
"You haven't done that much lately, have you? Smile, I mean," he said with
soft perception, as his hand cupped Mulder's chin, thumb lightly caressing just
below that wonderful lower lip, waiting for him to pull away.
The other man didn't, though, just shook his head, letting Alex's hand
remain where it was. "Not much to smile about these days," he said, with a
touch of self-pity.
Krycek nodded, cocking his head. "I am certainly in touch with that
emotion."
Mulder could've kicked himself; he wasn't the one dying, for Christ's
sake, needing to come to an old enemy for help so he could die with a little
dignity, a little peace. God, he felt like a selfish ass. It made him think
about all the grief he'd given Scully this week, the grumbling, the infamous
sulks; how the hell did she put up with him? He looked at Alex, saw complete
understanding there, like the man knew what he was thinking.
"Don't beat yourself up for it, Fox. You've got the right to be depressed.
I'm the one with a way out. I'm the one who won't have to deal with it all
tomorrow. You're the one who still has to keep looking, fighting, for the
truth, for what you believe in," Krycek said, seeing the guilty look on
Mulder's face.
"It almost makes me envy you," Mulder said quietly.
"Don't you ever think that," Krycek hissed at him, the intensity startling
Mulder. "You have everything to live for, more reasons than I've ever had.
You can look forward to life. The best I can do is choose how I die; it's the
only choice left and the only thing I have to look forward to is a peaceful
death with the help of one of the many people on this planet who wants me
dead," he paused, seeing Mulder shaking his head.
"I only wanted you dead because I thought you'd murdered my father and
Scully's sister. Those reasons don't exist anymore. I feel guilty as hell for
wishing you dead, in the past. I don't now, and I would do anything I could to
change this for you, Alex. God, I'm sorry. I am so sorry," he whispered,
watching the green eyes fill with tears. Unthinking, he reached out to pull
Alex closer to him, wrapping his arms around the man.
Alex didn't know what to do, Mulder's sympathy and regret were not things
he'd bargained for. He knew regret was not his exclusive domain anymore than
guilt was Mulder's, but he hadn't been expecting this. The gentleness with
which Mulder held him, shit, he hadn't anticipated that, either. He almost
felt like he was taking advantage of the man, but he didn't have the will to
back away, not when it felt so wonderful to be held like this. He felt Mulder
carefully rubbing his back, the warmth from his hand going right through the
black t-shirt he wore. Damn, this was dangerous, but he couldn't stop his own
arm from wrapping around Mulder, wishing acutely that he had two to hold him
with. Without really realizing what he was doing, he began stroking Mulder's
cheek with his own, almost nuzzling the man. He felt the strong arms about him
loosen and, finally becoming aware of his actions, he stopped short and pulled
away.
Krycek nearly quit breathing when Mulder moved back and took his face in his
hands. His eyes closed as he felt gentle lips kiss his eyelids, following his
eyebrows, up his forehead, down a temple... God, this was incredible. The haze
was rapidly lifting in his mind, bringing where he was and who he was with into
startling clarity. He felt Mulder kiss one cheek, travel across his nose, kiss
the other, then nothing. He opened heavy eyes to see Mulder actually smiling
at him, this one a much improved effort over the earlier attempt, by far.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," he whispered, in an unknowing echo of
Mulder's statement a few moments ago. His eyes widened, the man was
chuckling, for the love of Christ.
The look on Alex's face was priceless, Mulder couldn't help laughing, trying
not to, aware that it would be nearly hysterical, matching the mood he suddenly
found himself in.
"I'm not kidding, Alex," he said, sobering.
"What the hell are you playing at? You're not gay," Krycek bit off, though
softly, not knowing what Mulder's game was.
Mulder shook his head. "No, I'm not, but I found out a long time ago, at
Oxford, that I could be... flexible when it came to the gender of people I was
attracted to." There, he'd said it. And meant it.
Krycek's eyes widened. "You're serious, about this, aren't you? You're not
screwing around with me, here, are you?"
Mulder grinned, so close to evilly that it gave Alex goosebumps. "Well, not
yet I'm not, no. But I'd like to, if you'll let me. I really would," he
finished seriously, simply, seeing Alex's eyes close for a moment, those
absurdly long lashes resting against his pale cheeks.
Krycek sighed and opened his eyes. Just maybe there was a god that didn't
have it in for Alex Krycek, after all. Shit, like he could say 'no' to an offer
like that. He couldn't, so he didn't.
"Yes," he breathed, barely any voice behind the word at all, mesmerized by
Mulder's face, by those gorgeous hazel eyes, as he came closer and gently
touched his lips to Alex's.
Both men groaned softly as their lips met. Krycek felt like he'd been
prematurely reduced to ashes, in the heat of Mulder's kiss. God, that mouth was
amazing, all hot velvet and intoxicating sweetness. The other man's tongue
stroked Alex's, a stroke he felt all the way to his cock, as fingers tangled in
his hair. Alex moaned into Mulder's mouth, put his hand on the chest in front
of him, felt the rapid heartbeat through the robe, and gently pushed him away,
before he had a heart attack. Mulder took his hand and kissed the palm, then
started sucking on the index finger, eyes closed, face glowing in rapt
attention. He stopped, kissed the wrist, then briefly kissed Alex, the touch
too short to bring them both back into desire, again.
"I need to get a few things ready," Mulder said quietly, breathing hard. "I
do not want to be interrupted and you wouldn't believe how easy it is to
break into my damned apartment."
Krycek laughed outright, delighted when Mulder joined him, realizing what
he'd said. "Well, maybe you would," he said in dry humor, still chuckling.
"I'm going to grab a shower, if you don't mind," Alex said, as Mulder shook
his head and stood up."Not at all, I'll be a while. Fresh towels under the sink
to the right," he finished, leaning down to kiss Alex again, getting hooked on
the taste of the man. He silently berated himself for waiting so long to do
this. Too long and, now, too late.
Krycek headed into the bathroom while Mulder walked into the living room,
shutting off phones as he went, turning off his answering machine and cell
phone, then went into the kitchen. He reached into a drawer and pulled out a
hammer, grabbed a large handful of long nails out of a box, and went back into
the living room. He made sure the door was locked, thoughtful of Alex to relock
it after picking it open, then dead bolted it, putting the chain on and wedging
the stop under the door in the corner. Taking the hammer and nails, he
meticulously went around the frame, driving each one far enough into the door
to keep it from being opened from the outside. He left each nail so he could
still use the claw on the hammer to get them out, later. No one was getting
through that door, not tonight, he thought, ignoring the bizarreness of his
actions. He wanted Alex to feel safe and secure, a luxury he hadn't had in way
too long, Mulder was willing to bet. He didn't care what he had to do, to give
his former partner the peace he deserved to die with. He shook his head at the
sorrow inside him at that thought and headed over to the window. He was still
standing there, debating nailing it shut, too, when he felt Alex's arm come
around him from behind, pulling him backward into the man's chest.
"You think that's necessary?" he asked, kissing the side of Mulder's neck.
"No one can get in through there, not without rappelling down from the roof."
He paused as Mulder's eyes narrowed at the thought, then cracked up again as
the man went over and nailed the damn window shut. Mulder tossed the hammer
onto the desk and grinned at Alex, driving the gloom from his thoughts.
"They don't call me paranoid for nothing, you know. I've worked damned hard
to get that way, can't afford to get sloppy now," he said, chuckling as he took
Alex into his arms and kissed him 'til his knees buckled. He pulled away,
brushing the damp hair out of green eyes, leering at the towel the man was
wearing and the evidence of his arousal beneath it. He put his arm around Alex
and led him down the hall. Mulder paused near the bed when they got back to
the bedroom, looking at Alex. He reached out with a gentle hand and caressed
the other man's bare chest with the backs of his fingers, watching the green
eyes dilate slightly. He could feel the heartbeat going crazy under his hands
as he stroked the visible ribs, brushing his thumbs over the nipples until they
hardened, smiling when Alex groaned. His fingertips followed the tops of the
shoulders, going back along the collarbone, then out again. He used one finger
to trace Alex's left shoulder down the arm as far as it went, relieved that the
man didn't cringe at the contact. Leaving one hand on Alex's chest, he brought
the other around to the back of his neck and pulled him close, kissing him
lightly on the lips.
Krycek brought his hand up and rested it on Fox's chest, over his heart. He
could feel how fast it was beating, felt his own speed up even more to keep
pace with it. Then, oh, God, the feel of that mouth on his, warm and soft and
utterly delicious. He groaned again, like he could help it, and felt Fox smile
under his lips. Alex licked lightly with his tongue on that ridiculously full
lower lip, felt the man shiver slightly as he entered his mouth. Fox's tongue
immediately found his and they sank into each other, exploring. The kiss
quickly turned hungry and wild, while still holding on to a gentleness that had
been such a stranger to Alex, lately.
He tore his mouth away from Fox's and let his teeth graze the man's ear,
trying to remember that breathing was a good thing. Strong arms came around him
and he gasped when teeth bit gently into his neck, knowing it would leave a
mark. He couldn't have cared less; this kind of bruise was completely different
from his usual experience and he wanted it, needed it. Fox's mouth was making
his legs weak, tongue tracing the column of his throat. He let his head fall
back in total surrender, letting Fox do whatever he wanted, and the man nibbled
and licked his neck. Lips fastened on the lobe of his ear and a soft, warm
breath caressed it.
It made Alex shiver and he returned the hot, wet caress with his own,
letting his tongue follow the curve of Fox's ear until he reached the throat,
then down, down that gorgeous chest, hitting paydirt when the agent groaned. He
reached behind the man and caressed his back down to his ass, bringing him
forward, feeling his hardness against his own through the thin robe and towel.
He inhaled sharply when Fox began grinding his hips into his own, moving
slowly.
Krycek lowered his head until his lips found one nipple and he laved it with
his tongue, sucking on it gently. When it hardened in his mouth, he turned his
attention to the other one, feeling fingers threading harshly through his hair,
as the man before him jerked and groaned. He barely noticed Fox lightly running
his fingers just inside the towel around his waist, loosening it until it fell,
and he kicked it away from his feet. He moved his hand to the tie on the robe,
a slight tug undoing it, then pushed the robe off one of Fox's shoulders. Fox
shrugged out of it for him and hurled it at the bed. It missed completely,
landing instead on the chair, burying Alex's jacket and the prosthetic arm
beneath it.
Mulder took Alex back into his arms and held him like he didn't plan on ever
letting go. His mind was busily recording every touch, taste and smell, and he
really wanted to send it into overload, so he kissed Alex again. Christ, the
man could kiss, all sweetness and fire, hunger and tenderness. He felt the fire
seep into him slowly, igniting parts of himself long numbed and buried, and
caught Alex's hunger when his tongue touched his own. He wished his skin could
breathe enough to sustain his need for oxygen, so he wouldn't have to release
that unbelievable mouth in order to gasp for air. Feeling the beautiful body
quivering slightly, he reached down and took Alex's erection into his hand. His
eyes went dark with arousal when his partner groaned his name as he thrust into
the gentle hold Mulder had on him.
Fox pushed him gently toward the bed until his legs hit it. Alex lay back,
watching the other man watch him, as Fox continued to stroke and tease his cock
until he was close to screaming. His eyes opened wide in shock and dismay when
it all stopped, then opened wider when he saw the man lie down between his
legs. He moaned when he felt a hot, wet tongue work slowly up his thighs, first
one then the other, long, agonizingly slow licks, until Fox reached his cock
again, going down on it, making him cry out. He reached down and lightly rested
his hand on the dark head, stroking the soft hair, as that wonderful mouth
kissed and licked him until he was thrashing on the bed, groaning. He moaned
softly in frustration when Fox stopped, again.
"How do you want it, Alex?" Mulder whispered with intense breathlessness,
looking up at him, hazel eyes glittering. "In my mouth or in me?"
Krycek was thunderstruck. Good lord, he was being given a choice? Come to
think of it, there was no choice.
"In you, Fox," he whispered back. "Oh, God, in you."
He groaned as the man came slithering up his body, the skin on skin contact
threatening to burn out his synapses, as his lover nibbled and kissed his way
up his stomach, then his chest. Alex sighed as he felt a hot tongue licking his
nipples and arched up into him, gasping when teeth fastened gently onto one. He
brought his head up, groaning loudly, until Fox kissed him, pushing him back
down, devouring his mouth again in a slow but passionate exploration. Alex
brought his hand down to Fox's ass, caressing the cleft with gentle fingers,
just brushing the small opening, going in circles around it.
Mulder inhaled sharply, tore his mouth away, and stretched out over him,
reaching into the stand next to the bed, to bring out a tube of lubricant.
Popping the top with his teeth, he squeezed some onto Alex's fingers. Tossing
the tube next to them on the bed, he resumed kissing the man beneath him
senseless as Alex brought his hand back to Fox's ass and continued his slow
stroking.
He gently worked his fingers into the tight opening, first one, then
another, loving the way Fox was nearly whimpering with need into his mouth, as
he began moving back against Alex's hand.
Mulder groped for the tube, found it, and got it open without having to stop
kissing Alex. Squeezing some onto his own fingers, he moved easily to one side
and began stroking Alex's cock, while Alex continued to prepare him. He let his
tongue tangle with his partner's as the man started thrusting into Mulder's
hand.
"How do you want me?" Mulder asked, breathlessly, loving the dazed, flushed
look on Alex's face. Alex didn't know that it mattered how, until he
remembered he only had one arm to work with. Hell, the last time he'd done
this, he'd had two and now he couldn't tell how to go about it.
Mulder saw the confused look on Alex's face and smiled gently.
"Hey, don't worry about it. If something doesn't work, we'll just have to
try it another way, until we get it right," he said softly, watching the man
grin. "Even if it takes all night," he finished, before claiming Alex's mouth
again in a fiery kiss, feeling the man's groan vibrate all the way to his cock.
Krycek moved away from Fox's assault on his lips; wonderful as it was, other
parts of his body were also screaming for attention.
"Hands and knees, then," he gasped, as Fox gave his cock one last long, hard
stroke before moving off to the side. Alex got behind him, leaning on the
strong back beneath him, as he slowly eased himself into that beautiful body,
groaning loudly at the tightness, the incredible heat. He moved his arm across
Fox's chest, holding onto the opposite shoulder and gently began thrusting in
and out of his unbelievably responsive partner.
The slow pace was driving Mulder stark raving mad, but he didn't want to
thrust back into Alex for fear of knocking him off balance. Still, he didn't
think he could take much more of this slow in and out, not without spraining
something.
"God, Alex, more, please," he grated, trying to keep from taking over,
"harder, do it."
"I don't want to hurt you," Krycek gasped back, laying his cheek on Fox's
back, licking his way slowly down the spine, making sure the pace stayed
infuriatingly the same.
"Dammit, you won't hurt me, you're not hurting me, please, Alex. I need
more of you," Mulder ground out, shuddering under his lover's tongue, feeling
teeth lightly nipping down his back.
"If I'm not hurting you," Krycek groaned, "why aren't you moving?"
Mulder growled and moved slowly back into Alex, who thrust forward into him
a little harder. As long as Alex held onto his shoulder, he'd be fine, Mulder
realized, moving backward with gradually increasing speed and intensity.
"Oh, God, yes. That's it, Fox, yes, just like that," Alex groaned,
speeding up, as his fingernails dug into his lover's shoulder.
"Harder, Alex. Fuck me harder, now," Mulder grated out through clenched
teeth, moaning loudly when he felt Alex thrust into him with force enough to
take his breath away.
The reality of who he was inside of hit Alex like a gunshot. Christ
almighty, this was Fox Mulder under him, groaning with every thrust, moving
back into him hard and fast. His former partner, for crying out loud, bucking
wildly beneath him, arching up into him. Alex wished he had another hand, so he
could bring Fox off as he came. There was no way he could let go of the man to
do it.
"God, Alex, come in me... now, come in me. I want to feel you... yes, oh
yes, oh, shit, Alex!"
Krycek felt like someone had lit a fuse along his backbone; fire shooting up
his spine, straight into his skull, where it exploded within him. He felt
himself tightening up and, sinking his teeth into Fox's shoulder to muffle the
noise, let his world come apart as his climax hit him and he came deep inside
Fox, shouting hoarsely.
Mulder sank slowly into the mattress, taking Alex with him, his erection
nearly painful. He hadn't come, yet, hadn't really wanted to. He wanted to be
inside Alex when he did, but the pressure of his own weight lying on his hard
cock was limiting his ability to breathe. He sighed as he felt Alex roll off
him to the side, pulling out of him, then falling onto his back. Staying on his
stomach, he looked at the man lying next to him. Damn, Alex was beautiful.
Green eyes glowing, soft smile just touching those perfect lips, face flushed,
he was absolutely gorgeous. Mulder smiled lazily, his eyebrows arching into
question marks at Alex's nod.
"Much better," Krycek said softly, tracing Fox's lips with a gentle finger.
"Now, that's a smile." He laughed at Fox's widening grin, then inhaled
sharply as Fox's mouth came open and closed around his finger, teeth biting
playfully into it. He groaned and pulled it out, leaning in to kiss the man,
wrapping his hand around the back of his lover's head.
"Your turn," he whispered into Fox's mouth, his hand moving down to stroke
the man's erection, as Fox rolled onto his side, thumb gently slicking his
precum all over the head of his shaft. He brought his hand up and licked his
thumb, then put it into his mouth to clean it off, never releasing Fox's
narrowed eyes, as he sucked all the slick fluid off it.
"I'm yours for the taking, Fox," he whispered roughly, moaning when his
lover pounced on him, the feel of hot skin on skin starting to arouse him yet
again. "How do you want me?" he gasped, seeing the man reaching for the
lubricant again. He swiftly tangled his legs around Fox and rolled them both
over, not allowing the man to protest as his mouth descended on Fox's. He slid
slowly down that warm, wonderful body, kissing the chest, swirling his tongue
around the nipples, until they were hard points, then moving farther south.
"Alex, you don't have to," Mulder started, then abruptly stopped with a gasp
as his lover's talented mouth engulfed his cock, causing his desire to rocket
through him, making him quiver under teasing licks and kisses. He groaned, low
and long, feeling Alex chuckle as he licked his length, lightly nipping the
sides, before moving his mouth over him again and taking him down to the root.
He cried out, tangling his fingers in Alex's hair, as his hips bucked upwards,
uncontrollably. If Alex kept this up, he'd be coming in another heartbeat or
two.
"Alex, stop," he gasped out. "Too close. God, not yet."
Green eyes looked up at him, that perfect mouth, grinning. "So, where do you
want me?" he asked softly, keeping eye contact as he gave Fox another swipe
with his tongue.
Mulder moaned then chuckled, meeting Alex's questioning look with a wry grin
on his face. "Dammit, where don't I want you?" he grinned down at him. "Come
back up here, next to me, I want to touch you," he said, suddenly serious
again.
Krycek worked his way upward until he and Fox were again at eye level,
wondering, not for the first time, about the man's mercurial mood swings. He
lay on his back as Fox came into his side, softly stroking his chest while
nuzzling his neck. Sighing, eyes closing in contentment, he let his lover enjoy
his body. A gentle hand touched his face, fingers tracing its contours over
nose, cheekbones, eyebrows, chin. He opened his eyes to see Fox looking at him
intently.
"What are you doing? Committing my face to memory?" he joked quietly,
stunned into silence at Fox's nod.
"I will never forget you," Mulder whispered, smiling sadly at him. "Never,
Alex."
"Then, you'll keep me alive for as long as you are," Krycek whispered,
caressing Fox's cheek with his hand, ignoring the stinging in his eyes. "I can
live with that," he said softly. "I just hope you can."
Mulder nodded, leaning in to kiss Alex again, covering his body protectively
with his own. He felt a warm hand begin stroking his erection and sighed with
pleasure into his lover's mouth, thrusting slowly into the heat that surrounded
him.
Alex rubbed his thumb around the head of the hard cock in his hand,
spreading the precum all over it, hearing the man above him sigh. He felt Fox
reaching for the lube again, then felt a slick finger enter him as he moved his
legs apart, moaning softly.
Mulder moved up to kneel between Alex's legs, adding a second finger. His
cock throbbed as the other man responded, back arching off the bed, moving
against his fingers. He watched his lover going crazy, each groan making him
even harder. Lifting the long legs off the bed, he placed them over his
shoulders, moving in closer to slowly enter Alex, hearing him gasp. The
incredible heat made him groan Alex's name as he worked his way into his
lover's body, each thrust taking him just a little deeper, until he was all the
way inside.
Alex was losing it, completely losing it. When Fox was buried in him to the
hilt, he thought nothing in his life had ever felt so good, that he had never
been so turned on. Then, Fox took hold of his cock and began stroking it in
time to his thrusts, making him hard as a rock again, and he realized how wrong
he'd been. He couldn't feel his toes anymore and had his hand clenched so
tightly into the sheet, he couldn't feel his fingers, either. All he felt was
the man inside him, gradually increasing the speed and strength of his thrusts.
He watched his lover, saw the head fall back,eyes shut, mouth slightly open,
groaning every time he sank all the way into the heat surrounding him.
Mulder sped up a little more, opening his eyes at Alex's whimper, feeling
the man's cock pulse in his hand. Alex had to be close, God knew he sure as
hell was. Glowing green eyes met his, as his body shook with the impending
climax.
Krycek reached up and lightly scratched down Fox's chest with his nails,
running over the nipples in a figure eight, seeing his lover's face tighten,
feeling his hand speed up on his cock.
"Come in me, Fox... I want to feel you come... I want to hear you scream,"
he ground out, seeing Fox's eyes shut tight, the look on his face almost agony.
Alex felt himself coming, a wave of nearly unbearable heat running through him,
so powerful it made him wonder why Fox couldn't feel it. His orgasm tore into
him and he heard himself scream Fox's name, as he came in his lover's hand.
Mulder's eyes flew open just in time to watch Alex come, head thrown back, back
arched nearly in two, as the muscles surrounding him clenched around his cock.
The sensation added to his overtaxed nerve endings and his own harsh cry ripped
from his throat as he came, hard, before collapsing onto the beautifully sated
body beneath his.
Krycek let his legs fall off to the sides, exhausted, his hand resting on
Fox's head, as he tried to get his wind back. Fox was still totally gone,
slumped on his chest, his breathing nothing more than harsh gasps. Alex could
feel the man shaking and grabbed his shoulder to pull him up to him. Mulder
felt Alex's hand, swallowed past the sawdust in his ravaged throat, and slowly
moved his way up to collapse again at Alex's side. He tried to open his eyes,
but the leaden weights attached to them made it impossible. A gentle hand
brushed the hair off his forehead, shaking slightly, as he finally pried his
eyes open and saw Alex looking at him with some concern. He turned toward him,
groaning, and kissed his shoulder.
"I thought, for a minute, that you'd stroked out on me," Alex said quietly,
with wry amusement, seeing a ghost of a grin cross Fox's lips. "If you come
like that every time, it's a wonder you haven't burst a blood vessel by now."
"Quit fishing, Alex. I haven't come that hard in years," Mulder said, with a
touch of asperity in his voice, as he mock-glared at Alex.
"That good, huh?" Krycek said with smug nonchalance, as Fox gently slugged
him in the chest, then fell back, groaning. Alex went into his arms, laying his
head on Fox's chest, feeling safer than he had for too damned long, as they
closed softly around him, their legs tangling together. He sighed, letting his
eyes fall shut, feeling Fox's fingers combing through his hair, rubbing his
scalp, almost as if he sensed the headache that was creeping up on his lover
again. He felt himself falling into sleep, finally able to let go enough to
look forward to it, as he burrowed into the man next to him.
Mulder heard Alex's breathing level out, felt his weight sink into him, and
wondered that it felt so damned natural to have this man in his arms. He kissed
the top of Alex's head, smiled at his half-aware murmur, and let himself follow
his lover into sleep.
Scully sighed, yet again. Still no answer at Mulder's, and his answering
machine was still off, as well. She'd passed annoyed about an hour ago and was
now working her way toward worried. Mulder hadn't been himself all week, too
quiet, too distant. She didn't know if it was just one thing bothering him or a
combination of many. She decided to stop by his place on her way home, he was
going to talk to her whether he liked it or not. Grabbing her purse, she
headed for the parking garage with a purposeful stride, making her way to her
car. Getting in and starting it up, she tried not to think about how Mulder was
deliberately isolating himself at the moment, cutting himself off from her or
anyone else who might want to help. Scully sighed, pulling out of the garage.
It was official, now she was worried, she realized, as she headed toward
Mulder's apartment.
Mulder awoke to find Alex stroking his chest, ear over his heart, listening
to his heartbeat. He sighed with pleasure. Rare were the times he got to wake
up with someone in his arms. Looking at the clock, he found it was relatively
early yet; they'd only been asleep for about an hour. He ran his fingers
through Alex's dark hair, feeling the man's contented sigh whisper across his
chest. Alex turned his head to kiss him there, then stilled.
"Fox," he started gently, resignation in his voice.
"No," Mulder grated with quiet intensity.
"It's time," Krycek said softly, feeling Fox stiffen under him.
"Not yet, Alex. Please," Mulder whispered, pleadingly. Alex looked up at him
and Mulder saw the tiredness and tightness on the man's face from yet another
headache, the glowing, green eyes from earlier, now dimmed again.
"Alex, I want as much of you as you can give me... so I can keep you with me
for the rest of my life," Mulder started slowly, trying to make Alex
understand. "I can't lose you, yet, I just can't. It's not enough. We've only
..." he trailed off, seeing Alex smile slightly, knowing he understood.
"Greedy," Krycek said, the grin in his voice, before he sobered, and sighed,
moving up next to Fox to meet his eyes. "You can take all of me, all there is,
and it won't change the fact that I'm dying, Fox," he paused, seeing his lover
flinch at the reality of it. "But, okay. Take as much as you want," he
finished, knowing, as Fox knew, that it would never be enough.
"I know it's selfish, I'm sorry. I know you're ready, but I'm not. Alex..."
he stopped when Alex silenced him with a kiss.
"You're not being selfish, far from it. You've given me so much. I am ready,
you're right about that. But, I'm also no longer afraid of dying, Fox. I was
when I came here, terrified, in fact. No longer. I've finally found a kind of
peace, the likes of which I've never felt before. I feel like I'm moving
towards something good, now, not running away from something bad. I'm tired of
running. And I like knowing that I don't have to run anymore," Krycek said
quietly, kissing Fox again, his soft sigh turning into a groan as it was
returned with passion and need.
Mulder broke away, finally, and looked at Alex. God, he looked so damn
tired, so drawn. He wanted that glow back, the shining eyes, the smile. He
couldn't stand the thought of having Alex die looking like life had beaten him.
Sighing inwardly, he grinned, badly, trying to cover the gloom of his thoughts
and saw his lover grin back, wryly, not at all fooled. He moved on top of Alex,
kissed his face all over, then slid past him and got out of bed. "Come on,
shower," he said, reaching out a hand to Alex, who sighed indulgently, letting
Fox lead him to the bathroom.
Mulder got the water temperature ready and stepped in, turning around to
hold Alex gently against the wall with his own body. He grabbed the bottle of
shampoo and filled his palm with it, rubbing hands together to work up a
lather. He ran them through Alex's hair, massaging the scalp, rubbing the base
of his neck firmly, thumbs working along the hairline and temples. He paused
just long enough to bring his hands quickly through his own hair, then ducked
under the water to rinse off, before he grabbed the soap and turned his
attention once more to his lover.
Krycek just stood there, leaning against the cool wall, and let Fox bathe
him. He closed his eyes, feeling strong hands move to his chest, along his
sides, up under his arms, then on top of his shoulders. He felt Fox gently
stroke his way down the mutilated limb, then the other arm, going down the
length to his hand. He was carefully moved under the shower head and the suds
rinsed off. Gentle hands brought him back to the wall again, face first, this
time, and he sighed as they caressed his back and neck, scratching lightly. He
melted into the wall, resting his forehead against it, and let Fox work his
magic on the tired muscles. Firm hands went up and down both legs, from his ass
to his feet, then slowly, tentatively, began stroking his cock. Moaning, he let
his head fall back onto Fox's shoulder, feeling a hot, hungry mouth fasten onto
the side of his neck. He felt the shower head being adjusted to wash the soap
off him, and he stopped Fox when the man moved to turn it off.
"Right here," he said quietly, meeting Fox's eyes. "Now."
Mulder nodded, moved the water spray back to keep them both warm, and
continued stroking Alex, using his other hand to prepare him. He began jerking
himself off while doing the same to his lover, keeping the speed and grip the
same, until both of his hands were wet with precum. He lubricated himself with
one, while slowly entering Alex with a finger on the other, then another,
hearing Alex groan his name aloud in a long drawn out sigh.
Alex began moving back against Fox's hand, until he felt his lover remove
his fingers, then cautiously enter him. Fox's hand came around to take hold of
his own, bringing it up against the wall next to his head, lacing his fingers
through his own. The other hand took hold of his cock, stroking with the same
tempo his lover was thrusting into him with. He tightened his fingers and felt
Fox's squeeze back in response.
Mulder leaned forward to nip at Alex's neck, following the curve of an ear
with his tongue. Alex turned his head and captured his mouth, letting their
tongues mate also, as Mulder increased the speed and force of his thrusts and
his hand.
Krycek moaned, thinking that Fox couldn't possibly take him any more
thoroughly than he was. Fox's mouth left his, making him whimper with loss,
until he felt teeth biting at his throat, before sinking gently into the spot
below his ear. His knees nearly gave out on him when the man behind him worried
his neck, lips softly caressing as the suction increased. He could almost feel
the same suction on his cock as Fox sped up more, leaving him aware of nothing
but the sensations flying through his body. He arched backward into his lover,
making him groan, then surged forward into the firm hand around his own
throbbing cock, and echoed that groan.
Mulder claimed Alex's mouth again, devouring him, feeling his lover shaking,
knowing he was close, as well. Realizing he was growing dizzy, he wondered
dimly what the hell was keeping the other man on his feet. He heard himself
cry out, heard Alex answer with a cry of his own, as he felt something snap
within him, fingers tightening on Alex's. Hot light exploded behind his eyes as
he came, pumping his seed into Alex an instant before his lover came with a raw
scream into his hand.
They stayed still for a moment, letting blood flow back into areas of their
bodies that hadn't seen any in way too long. Mulder pulled slowly out of Alex,
making him groan. He turned his lover around to face him, holding him tightly
against him, letting the after shocks shudder through them. He smiled as he saw
bright, though stunned, green eyes meet his own, and kissed Alex with gentle
passion. He aimed the water at them for a minute, to wash them both off, then
cut the flow. Reaching out blindly, not wanting to take his eyes off of Alex,
he found a towel and briskly dried his lover, then himself. Krycek didn't seem
capable of forward motion on his own, so Mulder put an arm around him, helping
him out of the shower and back to the bedroom.
Scully had been trying the door to Mulder's apartment, to no avail. The key
was turning, but it wasn't opening. She was about to find the super and have
him try, when her cell phone rang. "Agent Scully, do you know where Agent Mulder is?" Oh, hell, Skinner, and he
didn't sound happy.
"No sir, I don't. I'm standing outside his apartment now, but I can't get
in. I think he has something blocking the door..." she trailed off, looking at
the frame for the first time. "Oh, my God," she whispered.
"Scully, what is it?" Skinner's voice came tersely over the phone.
"Nails, sir," she said slowly, wonderingly, seeing the sharp ends sticking
through. "He's nailed the door shut."
"I'm on my way," Skinner barely finished before hanging up, grabbing his
coat, and tearing out of his office.
Krycek dropped like dead-weight onto the bed and Fox crawled in next to him,
bringing the covers over both of them. He turned into Fox's embrace, chuckling
exhaustedly, turning up to look at him, at his sound of inquiry.
"You're going to fuck me to death, aren't you?" he asked, laughing. "Damn,
Fox, what a way to go!"
Mulder froze. "How the hell can you joke about it?" he asked, running a
agitated hand through his hair before Alex's shaking body came to gradual
stillness.
"I'm sorry, really," Alex said with quiet sincerity, looking at Fox's
shocked expression. "I know this is turning out to be harder on you than it is
on me. I hadn't planned on this, Fox, any of it. The only thing I had planned
on, we still haven't gotten around to yet. Being with you, like this, is a
complete shock to me. I never knew you were attracted to me; I had no idea."
Mulder grimaced. "I didn't want you to know. I sure as hell didn't want to
be, there, for a while, it wasn't a pleasant thought. What about you? When did
it become the other side of the coin for you?"
Krycek grinned. "Heads, I hated you; tails,...?" he asked, trailing off,
seeing Fox nod. He sighed. "It was never really heads, it couldn't have been,
not with you. Heads was reserved for people like that black-lunged son of a
bitch. I never hated you. There were plenty of times I really, really
didn't like you," he paused, grinning, Fox's answering his own. "But, I never
hated you. As for the other, it's been tails for a long time, Fox, a very long
time, to me anyway." He stopped to see his lover looking desolate. Shit.
"I wish we had more time, Alex," Fox started, then stopped, unable to
finish.
"I know. Me too. But, not this lifetime; it ain't gonna happen," Krycek
drawled softly. "I have no more time, Fox. I'm tired, I have no fight left in
me, and my body has turned against me. It's just a matter of time before I'm
dead, one way or another. And I want it to be my way, Fox," he stopped,
looking his lover in the eye.
Mulder closed his eyes, exhaling a heavy sigh. He felt soft, sweet lips
touch his own and responded urgently. Alex seemed determined to keep it light
and gentle, no matter what he did. He really wasn't trying to stall anymore...
Okay, so he was, he didn't want to do this, didn't want to be the instrument of
Alex's death, wished to hell and back they had the time to be more to one
another. Time to maybe, just maybe, fall in love with Alex Krycek. He grinned
at the total lunacy of it all, started chuckling, then laughing, feeling Alex
pull away to look at him in amused bewilderment.
"Oh, fuck. Alex, come here," he pulled his lover back into his arms and
sighed, stroking his back lightly.
"Want to tell me what that was all about?" Krycek asked, humorous sarcasm
dripping from his voice.
Mulder snorted. "No, not really, you'd never believe me," he said, shaking
his head.
"Maybe I want to believe," Krycek said softly, feeling warm arms tighten
around him.
Mulder pulled back, seeing the bright green eyes smiling at him. He kissed
his lover lightly, quickly, then looked at him. Alex was looking behind him at
the bedside table. The man met his eyes and licked his lips, smiling ruefully.
"Now, it's time," he said, with gentle firmness, sighing with something akin
to relief when Fox nodded reluctantly. He moved away, intending to get up and
dress, when a hesitant hand on his arm stopped him. "Don't," Mulder said
quietly, "I'll take care of it. I'll take care of everything, don't worry. I
just want to hold you, like this," he finished, brokenly, as Alex lay back into
his arms, watching the hazel eyes fill with tears.
"Oh, God, Fox, don't. Don't waste good saltwater on me," he stopped,
silenced by Fox's mouth on his, the kiss gentle. Fox's head dropped into the
hollow of his throat, his breathing ragged, as Alex gently stroked him, hushing
him. "Damn, I'm sorry. This wasn't supposed to hurt you. That's the last thing
I want," Krycek rasped, trying to blink away the stinging in his own eyes,
again. "I'm sorry, I am so damned sorry."
"Me, too," Mulder said, into Alex's throat, before looking up and sighing,
shaking his head, a pained look on his face. "I'm sorry for all the wasted
time..." he paused, as Alex brought a finger to his lips.
"No more regrets, for either of us. Not now, not ever again," he was halted
in mid-thought by the wonderful touch of Fox's lips on his. He was trying to
keep the kiss from escalating again, but he was only human and, damn, his lover
was persistent. They lay there, keeping the passion at an even level, content
to make out like bandits, devouring one another. "Oh, hell. Fox, you are way
too good at this," Krycek moaned, as his lover kissed his eyelids, his nose,
and proceeded to plant soft kisses all over his face. He looked up at Fox, and
saw him smiling, sadly, but a smile, nonetheless. He didn't want to see it go,
but it was time, he knew, as he bit his lip, not wanting to remind Fox.
"I know," Fox whispered, smoothing the still-damp hair back from Alex's
troubled eyes. "I know." He reached back over them to the table and snagged the
rubber tubing. He felt Alex's eyes on him, but couldn't meet them as he tied it
off, just above his lover's elbow, making sure the loop to undo it was right.
He carefully stroked the inside of Alex's elbow, finding the vein, then bent
and kissed it. Reaching up again, he grabbed the syringe and the vial and
sighed, shuddering. He looked at Alex, who nodded.
"Go ahead, Fox. I'm still sure. I still want it to be this way," he stopped,
seeing tears in Fox's eyes as the man blinked, trying to clear them.
Mulder tried to swallow past the lump in his throat, meeting Alex's clear
green eyes, seeing the certainty there. He carefully pushed the needle into the
small vial, going easily through the red rubber stopper, and pulled the plunger
back, filling the large syringe completely, nearly emptying the bottle. He
checked with Alex again, saw total acceptance there, as his lover smiled and
nodded. Mulder put the vial back on the nightstand and just looked at the
syringe.
Krycek brought his hand up to Fox's face, stroking his cheek, feeling his
own eyes fill as Fox tightly closed his own, turning his head into the caress,
as he kissed Alex's palm.
Mulder felt the first tear slip down his face as he looked at Alex. He
blinked and sniffed, trying to stop them, but the gates were open and there was
nothing he could do. "God, Alex," he whispered brokenly, as his lover's fingers
brushed them away.
"I know," Krycek said, drawing a shuddering breath, damning himself for
doing this to Fox, "I know."
Mulder kissed him again and put the needle to Alex's arm. He inhaled sharply
and gently pushed it in, as Alex sighed. He closed his eyes for an instant then
slowly depressed the plunger, sending the morphine into Alex's system, before
withdrawing it and tossing it back onto the nightstand. He pulled on the end of
the tubing, undoing it, and threw it onto the table, as well, gently rubbing
the spot where the needle had gone in. He leaned forward to kiss Alex, curling
around him, when Alex pulled back.
"I want to see you," he said. Fox nodded and lay next to him, leaning on his
elbow, one hand on his rapidly beating heart, the other running through his
hair.
"It's okay, Alex... I'm right here, and I'm not letting go," Mulder said
quietly, trying to keep his voice from cracking. The temptation to call for
paramedics was nearly overwhelming, but he'd be willing to bet they'd get there
too late to save Alex. Even if they could save him, it would still sign the
man's death warrant, condemning him to the death he didn't want, in a hospital,
rather than the one he'd asked for. Mulder could give him this, he could give
him the way out he wanted. He knew he couldn't bear to see Alex suffer, he
loved the man too much for ... Oh, God. Oh, God, no. He met Alex's eyes, saw
the question in them at the stunned look he knew was on his face. He smiled,
shaking his head, and leaned in to briefly kiss his lover.
Scully was still waiting out in the hall, meticulously searching around the
frame for all the nails Mulder had used to barricade himself inside the
apartment, when Skinner came down the hall.
"Sir, I don't think we can get through the door without an axe," Scully said
wryly, though concerned, only half kidding, until she saw Skinner head towards
the alcove where the fire hose, extinguisher, and axe were. He wrenched it out
of its bracket and came back to Mulder's door. Shrugging out of his coat and
impatiently tearing off his tie, he grasped the handle and told Scully to get
back out of the way.
Watching wide-eyed, she saw him heft the axe and, with a powerful,
two-handed swing, he brought it soundly into the center of the door. Scully
flinched as wood splintered, as Skinner mercilessly brought the axe up a second
time and sent it smashing into the door, again.
Mulder pulled back from kissing Alex, smiling softly at him. "How long?" he
asked quietly, stroking Alex's chest.
"Not long, few minutes," Krycek murmured, feeling the drug hit his system.
It seemed to take a lot of effort, but he moved his hand up to take Fox's,
anyway, and squeezed gently. "Talk to me, Fox?" he asked, feeling a weight
settle into his chest, trying to keep his eyes open.
"Easy, shhh, Alex, it's okay. Don't fight it so hard, I'm right here,"
Mulder leaned close to whisper in his ear, seeing his lover struggle to open
his eyes. He moved forward to kiss the back of Alex's hand, caressing it with
his lips, seeing a ghost of a smile cross Alex's face at the touch. He dimly
heard something crashing in the living room, but his attention was on the man
before him and nothing was going to distract him from Alex.
"You take care... of yourself. Or I will haunt you... I mean it," Krycek
said, finally getting his eyes to cooperate. "I'll be an X-file," he murmured,
seeing Fox grin at him through tears.
"I'm looking forward to it, Alex," Mulder answered softly, tears streaming
down his face.
"If I can... I'll try..." he trailed off, as Fox hushed him. "Wanted... to
tell you... Always tails," he whispered drunkenly, as Fox's face crumpled,
"Loved you... Still... love you, Fox," he mumbled, barely feeling Fox's hand
tighten on his own. "Remember... that... tails."
"I know, baby, I know," Mulder said, trying to talk even though his throat
was closing around his grief, crying quietly, not wanting to disturb his lover.
"I'll remember, I will. Promise. I'll never forget, Alex. I'll never forget
you," he said, voice shattering completely. He moved directly into Alex's line
of vision, "I love you, Alex Krycek. Do you hear me? I. Love. You." he
whispered firmly, seeing Alex's eyes fall shut, slight smile still on his face.
"When... that happen?" he asked, making Fox chuckle, the laughter seeping
out around the sorrow.
"I don't know," Mulder answered honestly. "I just realized it tonight, when
I knew I couldn't let you suffer," he said gently, brushing his fingers through
the soft hair. "I knew I couldn't let you be hurt, or killed in some god-awful
way. I knew I had to help you. That's when I realized," he whispered, choking
on tears. "I love you." Mulder heard more noise coming from the other room,
recognizing the sound of wood cracking, and knew someone was coming through the
door. He moved his hand away from Alex's head and reached behind him to get
into the drawer on the nightstand, bringing the gun out and switching the
safety off as he put it between them. He moved his hand back to his lover's
head and felt Alex's heartbeat shudder.
"Alex, it's okay. I'm right here. I'm not leaving you. Shhh, easy, baby, I'm
right here," Mulder said softly as Alex made a slight noise.
Krycek tensed slightly under Mulder's hand, feeling the darkness just beyond
him, steadily approaching. He tried not to fight it and just let it wrap itself
around him. It felt warm and loving, a lot like Fox, he decided, as it gently
moved through him. "Alex, just let go, it's okay, just let it take you. Shhh,
don't fight it, just let go. It's all right, Alex, I swear it is. Relax and let
go, baby, I've got you," Mulder paused, wondering at the slight smile on Alex's
face, not hearing Scully and Skinner enter the bedroom and take it all in.
Scully saw the vial glinting on the stand and quietly crossed the room to
pick it up, seeing the used syringe as well. She took it back to show Skinner,
his eyes widening in comprehension as he realized it was morphine and now
empty. Scully's eyes settled on Krycek, seeing that he only had one arm. It
took everything she possessed not to interfere with this assisted suicide,
obviously Krycek was allowing this to happen, welcoming it in fact. It dawned
on her that Mulder had one hand in the man's hair and was holding the other on
Krycek's chest, over his heart. Her eyes widened as she realized both of them
were naked underneath the sheets, Mulder curled up protectively around the
other man. Her shocked glance bolted upward to see Skinner come to the same
realization.
Mulder was barely aware that Scully and Skinner was standing in his bedroom,
but Alex wasn't gone yet and he wasn't going to waste the little time his lover
had left, trying to explain it all to them. Let them think whatever the hell
they wanted to.
He leaned closer to Alex, still stroking his hair, feeling his heart labor
under their joined hands. "I'm right here, Alex. It's all right, shhh. I've
got you... I've got you," he whispered softly, missing Scully and Skinner's
startled look. "Easy, Alex, it's okay," he said softly, feeling his lover's
heart skip. "Let it go, baby. Just give in, it'll be okay. It's okay, Alex,
just let go, let go," he sobbed quietly, gasping for shaky breaths. He felt
Alex's heart jump, then again, then stillness. He sank into Alex, quietly
crying, bringing his head down to Alex's chest, wrapping his arms around him,
holding him. Mulder knew it was over, but he also knew he'd never be able to
hold the man again. Kissing his eyelids, he brought his head back over the now
silent heart and lay there, quietly raging at a fate that had taken someone
else from him before their time.
He didn't think he'd ever stop crying, long broken sobs, not knowing or
caring that Scully and Skinner were quietly leaving the room. He felt totally
shattered, yet relieved that his lover had gone so peacefully.
Mulder saw the faint smile still on those perfect lips and leaned up to kiss
him. "Good-bye, Alex," he said, in an agonized whisper. "I'll miss you, baby.
God, I'm going to miss you," he barely finished before resting his head on his
lover's chest, to cry himself out.
Scully felt faintly annoyed with herself for the tears forming in her eyes.
She knew Skinner was watching her; she ignored him and said nothing. Krycek was
dead, apparently with Mulder's help. She tried not to leap to any conclusions
about the scene in the bedroom, or about Mulder's relationship with Krycek,
whatever it was. Scully told herself the tears were coming out of sympathy with
Mulder's evident grief, trying to ignore the feeling of near betrayal that was
creeping up on her. She sat down in the kitchen, not wanting to see the
demolished door in the living room.
Skinner quietly joined her, saying nothing, respecting her silence in part,
and partly because he didn't know what the hell to say to her. He didn't know
what the hell to think, either, and was trying not to. After a while, they
heard water running in the bathroom, followed by soft footsteps back into the
bedroom. A few minutes later, Mulder emerged, looking like hell, wearing a pair
of grey sweat pants and a black t-shirt that Scully didn't recognize.
Mulder walked silently over to one of the cabinets and opened it, pulling
out a near-full bottle of whiskey. He grabbed a glass from overhead, a very
tall one, and poured. Leaning back against the counter, he kept his eyes on the
floor, quietly sipping his drink. All he had to do was wait, the guys would be
here any minute. "Scully," he croaked, his voice sounding loud in the silence,
"Would you check, just to make certain... that he's... gone?" he asked, not
caring that his voice cracked on the last word.
"Sure, Mulder," Scully answered quietly, heading to the bedroom, glad to be
doing something, in a more or less official capacity. She noticed Krycek was
dressed, now, in jeans and one of Mulder's FBI Academy t-shirts, with the alien
on the back. She appreciated the humor in the gesture, but the smile never
reached her lips. Sighing, she wondered if the black t-shirt Mulder was wearing
had been Krycek's, but didn't really want to think about it right then. It took
her no time at all to confirm that Alex Krycek was dead, the morphine had
speeded him on his way to whatever awaited him. She walked back into the
kitchen and Mulder finally raised his head to meet her eyes. She nodded, not
missing the look on her partner's face as he turned back to the counter, away
from her.
Mulder heard Frohike's voice muttering something about what the hell
happened to the door, and turned around, seeing how Skinner was trying to avoid
his searching gaze. He grinned slightly, startling Scully. It was the first
thing remotely resembling a smile she'd seen in days.
The guys were moving carefully through the wreckage of the door, eyebrows
raising at the way Mulder looked, and the fact that Scully and Skinner were
there. Mulder jerked his head behind him. "Bedroom," he said quietly, as the
two in the kitchen came to stand behind him. "I know it doesn't really matter,
anymore, but... be careful, okay?" he asked, eyes filling again, damn them.
Frohike nodded. "Don't worry, Mulder, we'll take good care of him," he said
quietly, not missing the pain and grief, or the tears.
Mulder nodded and headed back into the kitchen, not really wanting to see
how the guys were going to get Alex's body out of there. The shirt he was
wearing smelled like him, a vague comfort, but he didn't dwell on it. He turned
and went back into the living room, grabbed the hammer off the desk,and began
removing the nails from the battered door. It was quick work and soon what was
left of the door was opened. The hallways were thankfully deserted, typical for
a Friday night. He went back into the kitchen, tossed the hammer and nails back
into the drawer, grabbed his drink, and sat down heavily at the table.
Scully joined him, Skinner remaining where he was, leaning against the wall
of the kitchen.
"Why," she asked him, quietly.
Mulder sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "Because he was dying,
Scully, brain tumor, inoperable," he answered, so quietly Skinner had to come
forward to hear him.
"Why did he come to you?" she asked, seeing her partner's eyes fill with
tears.
Mulder couldn't tell her all of it, didn't want to. "He knew I'd help him."
"Did he tell you he didn't kill your father?" she asked carefully, not too
surprised when Mulder nodded. "And you believed him?" she asked, a simple
inquiry, no judgement involved.
"Yes. I believed him. He was there to talk to my Dad, not to kill him. The
shot came through the window, while he was hiding from me," he replied,
tiredly. "And before you ask, yes, he told me he didn't kill Melissa. He
thought he and Cardinale were at your place to plant some eavesdropping gear,
when she walked through the door. Cardinale said he panicked and shot her, Alex
didn't buy it."
Scully nodded, thinking <Alex>? But, she said nothing. "Why did you help
him?" she asked, not daring to ask the bigger question.
"Because he went through a list of all the most likely ways for him to die,
and I didn't like the sound of any of them, Scully," Mulder bit off, halting
abruptly as Frohike came into the kitchen.
"We found these in the chair by the bed," he said quietly, looking
uncomfortable, holding out Alex's leather jacket and prosthetic arm. Mulder
got up and took the jacket, wrapping his arms around it, feeling something in
the inside pocket. "Do whatever you want with the arm," he said, distractedly.
"Just keep it away from him," he finished, bringing the digital tape out of the
pocket, along with an audio cassette.
Frohike's eyes widened as he saw the tape. "Is that what I think it is?" he
asked breathlessly, as Byers and Langley came up behind him. Mulder tossed the
digital tape to him and headed for his stereo, leaving Frohike to catch it,
holding it like the Holy Grail.
Mulder popped the cassette in and punched play.
"Hi, Mulder," Alex's voice came out of the speakers. "Guess who? I know
you're probably wondering why I didn't tell you about the tape. The answer is
simple. I know you, Mulder. I know what good friends you and Guilt are. I just
didn't wanting you thinking, for a moment, that you let me die to get your
hands on the damned thing. Now that you've got it back, dig into it. Use it to
find something to help Scully. Then, maybe some good will come out of this,
after all." Alex's sigh echoed quietly through the still room as Mulder crossed
it to stare out the window, listening to Alex's voice for the last time.
"Thank you. I mean that, Fox," Alex continued softly, as Mulder closed his
eyes, almost picturing Alex standing right next to him, talking to him.
"I know it wouldn't have been your first choice, spending a Friday night
with me," Alex said wryly, as Mulder grinned slightly. "But, I'm grateful. The
alternatives weren't too pleasant; I'm glad I won't have to deal with that."
"Just in case you're wondering, yes, I told you the truth about your father
and Scully's sister. I wouldn't lie to you, I have no reason to. And don't go
off half-cocked after the Black-Lunged Bastard, now that I'm gone, you hear me?
I swear, you show up wherever the hell I am, one second earlier than you're
supposed to, and I'll kick your ass, got it?" he said, laughing slightly.
Mulder smiled, a real smile, amazing Scully and Skinner who had stepped further
into the living room to listen to Krycek's tape.
"I guess that's about it. Just one more thing. If I see anyone you know,
I'll be sure to say hello," Alex said slowly, carefully, as Mulder turned
toward the stereo, his puzzlement evident on his face.
"And I'll tell her how much you love her," Alex went on, gently, as Mulder
froze, tightening his hold on Alex's jacket, slowly shaking his head from side
to side. "I'll tell her how you've never given up, how you never stopped
looking for her. How much you miss her," he paused, as Mulder hunched over like
he'd taken a blow, turning toward the window again, shoulders shaking slightly.
Scully made a move as if to go to him, when Skinner caught her arm and shook
his head at her, mouthing 'Not yet'. She nodded and stayed where she was,
understanding that Mulder needed the release.
"I'll keep an eye on her, for you, Fox. We'll commiserate with each other
about how we both miss you, and we'll trade stories, and we'll remember," Alex
paused, again, as tears streamed down Mulder's face, his whole body shuddering,
silently.
"I'll look after her until you get there, okay? I'll even let her beat me at
Stratego." Mulder whimpered softly, burying his face in Alex's jacket, as he
leaned against the window, shaking.
"If I see her, Fox. If. But, I don't think I will. I think you'll find
her, someday. So, don't give up. I know it's been a long time, but don't give
up. And don't give up on yourself, either," Alex's voice turned pleading. "You
have to keep at it, Fox, you're the only one who can. The only one who can make
them accountable for what they've done. Just be careful. Watch your ass." Alex
sighed, as Mulder trembled.
"Enough of this. I've got to get going. It's odd. I'm on my way to your
place, now, but if everything went as planned, I'm already gone. I know you'll
find the compassion to help me. And if I managed to find the courage to tell
you why I'm really coming to you for help, you'll get this reference. It's
always been tails, Fox. It has always been tails," Alex paused, as his voice
cracked, slightly, noticed by everyone in the room. "Goodbye, Fox. I'll see
you when I see you."
The recording ended, but Mulder didn't move. Scully walked over to the
player and hit the stop key, looking sideways at Mulder. She sighed sadly, as
she slowly walked over to him and gently put her hand on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Mulder," she said, softly, feeling him shaking under her hand.
"Yeah, me too, Scully," he rasped, looking at her. "Me too."
Mulder barely remembered the drive to Scully's place. The guys insisted they
knew someone who could take care of the door, but Scully wasn't about to leave
him alone tonight, he knew that. And a sofa was a sofa was a sofa. At least she
wasn't hovering, for which he was grateful.
He was totally exhausted, but not really tired; it wasn't that late, barely
into the double-digit hours of the night. He crashed on Scully's sofa, ignoring
the knock on the door, ignoring Skinner come in, and ignoring the two of them
talking about him and his dubious state of mind in her kitchen.
Mulder was wearing Alex's jacket; it felt good, even though the memories
were bittersweet, like having the man wrapped around him. He heard his cell
phone ring. He remembered turning it back on, but didn't know who the hell
could be calling him; the two most likely suspects were having a pow-wow about
him in Scully's kitchen.
"Mulder," he grumbled, sitting up when he heard Frohike's voice, barely.
Damn, the battery was probably about shot. Mulder gave him Scully's phone
number, ignoring her glare, when Frohike called him back, sounding somewhat
frantic. Mulder put it on speaker phone, so Scully and Skinner could hear what
was going on, as they walked into the living room.
"Mulder, Krycek put a timed password on the digital tape, if we don't come
up with a match in about a minute, it'll fry itself," Frohike exclaimed, in a
breathless rush.
"Mulder," said Langley, "we've already tried every possible combination of
your name, and Scully's, and Samantha's, and we're getting nowhere. Got any
ideas?"
Mulder thought for a second, wondering. Alex had told him not to forget; he
had promised he'd remember. A slow smile spread across his face, lighting his
eyes, again.
"Try 'tails', guys, T-A-I-L-S," he spelled it out, waiting for, then
hearing, whoops of excitement in the background.
"Got it, we're in, gentlemen, we are in!" Frohike said excitedly, when
Byers interrupted him.
"Guys, we've got a sound file attached here, I'm putting it on speakers."
"Hi again, Fox," Alex's cheerful voice came over Scully's phone. "Just when
you thought it was safe, yadda, yadda, yadda," he laughed, making Fox snort,
almost enough of a laugh to make Scully and Skinner look at him, both somewhat
startled at the sound.
"What'd I tell you, Fox? Always tails," Alex's mood changed abruptly from
humorous to serious and soft. "Always tails," Alex nearly whispered, in a
lover's voice. "Goodbye, Fox."
Mulder smiled. "Goodbye, Alex. Tails to you, too," he murmured, as he leaned
back on Scully's sofa and grinned up into her astonished face.
The End
Tails
by Amirin
Mulder stood in the shower, letting the hot water hit him full in the
face, and tried not to think about what a lousy day he'd had. He had barely
said three words to Scully all week, been hostile and uncommunicative and
Skinner was about ready to tear a strip off him, he knew. He was having a hard
time making himself give a damn. About anything, these days. Scully was
worried, Skinner was pissed and worried, and he felt... half alive, numb, even.
He got no joy out of anything, lately, and couldn't remember the last time he'd
laughed, or even smiled for that matter. He wasn't looking forward to the
weekend, what the hell was the point? Mulder knew he was wallowing, so what?
Not like there was anyone around to see it, anyway.
