He's not late. You're just early.
He let the curtain drop back into place and turned to survey the room yet
again.
Clean. Plain.
When Alex had agreed to talk to him, he'd suggested meeting someplace
neutral, and the other man had agreed to that as well. He'd asked if Alex would trust
him to chose someplace and received a soft 'okay' as an answer.
He'd picked the Holiday Inn on Eisenhower Avenue, and called Alex back to
inform him of the reservation. Alex acknowledged the information then went
silent. Mulder didn't know what else to say, so he simply told Alex that he would
see him in three days. Alex answered with a barely audible 'all right,' and then
Mulder heard the click, signaling that the other man had disconnected.
He spent days going over what he was going to say in his head. Carefully
chose his clothing. Debated on whether or not he should have any food or drinks on
hand.
Now he stood there by the window of his first floor room, looking at the
modest offering of finger foods and beer, and he changed his mind again.
Was it too presumptuous? Will he think that I'm expecting we'll spend the
night together?
He turned back toward the window.
Nah. It's not like I brought a bag or anything.
His heart began to pound as he spotted the small black car prowl into the
parking lot and pull into the spot next to his sedan, and he began to review what
he intended to say. The black clad figure emerged from the car, and
everything left him.
It seemed like forever since he'd seen Alex. Even longer since he'd touched
him. God, he missed touching him...
Nevermind that. This isn't what that's about. Not that he'd let you
anywhere near him anyway.
The soft knock on the door snapped him out of his thoughts.
He'd left the door unlocked. He didn't want it to seem to Alex like this was
his show.
"It's open."
The door swung into the room, and Alex walked in. A very brief search
revealed Mulder, standing by the window. Their eyes met, and Mulder gave him a
tentative smile.
"Hi."
Alex's gaze flicked to the floor.
"Hi."
The men stood in uncomfortable silence for a while, then Alex looked to the
table.
"You didn't have lunch?"
"No, I...did you?"
Alex shook his head.
"Hungry?"
"No." The younger man raised his eyes, looking slightly apologetic for his
abrupt answer. "Not right now."
Mulder nodded and, rubbing his palms over the tops of his thighs, he looked
around. "You uh..." He motioned to the two chairs he had arranged in the middle
of the room.
Alex paused for a moment then took a seat. Fox lowered himself into the chair
facing him.
"How've you been?"
"Okay. You?"
Mulder shrugged. "All right, I...a little lonely."
Alex said nothing.
"Uh..." Mulder shifted in his seat. "W-why don't we start with discussing
exactly what it is each of us wants."
Alex nodded.
Mulder motioned to other man, indicating that he should go first.
Alex sighed and looked down at the floor for several minutes before finally
speaking.
"I want what no resonable person would think they had the right to ask for,
considering. I've been thinking about what nerve I've got to demand anything of
you, but...I've always been a nervy bastard, so...
"I want a life. A real one. I've existed in the shadows for a very long time,
and I'm done with it. I want to do what regular people do. I want to walk in
the sun. I want someone who won't live a life apart from me...who won't drag
me out only when he wants to play with me then toss me back into the closet
until the next time."
"Someone?" Mulder asked softly.
"Yes."
"Not me?"
"...It could be you."
"But?"
"If you can't give me what I want, I can't force you."
"And you'll walk away?"
"I won't have a choice."
"We all have a choice."
"To do what? I can't go back to being subhuman. I won't. And if you would ask
me to..."
"I've never asked you to do that."
"Not in words. But in action. Or...lack thereof." Alex went silent for a
moment, looking Fox square in the eye. "I want you to treat me as though I matter.
I want to be more to you than I am."
"Than what you think you are."
"If I mean much more to you than a good fuck, you do very well hiding it."
"I'm sorry if I've made you feel that way," Fox said. "It was never my
intention."
"It's your turn," Alex murmured, motioning to Fox. "Tell me about your
intentions. Tell me what it is that you want."
"First of all, I know you spoke to Scully. I know she called you."
Alex answered with silence.
"You can't call her an obstacle any more. No, she isn't thrilled about the
prospect of me having a relationship with you, but she won't stand in our way."
Fox folded his hands across his lap. "So...it's all on me. What do I want?
What I want is easy. I want you."
"You can't have me the way you did."
"Things'll change. We won't spend all our time at my place. We'll go out.
Dinner. Movies. Clubs. Whatever you want."
"And how will you feel about that?"
"If it makes you happy, I'll be happy too."
"This isn't all about me," Alex said. "It's about you, and whether or not you
can or even want to handle a full fledged relationship with a man like me."
"I can. And if I didn't want to, I wouldn't be here."
"We'll see."
"You don't sound like you've got a whole lot of faith in me."
"Tell me how you feel about me having killed your father."
"What?"
"We've never talked about it. Not really."
Mulder rubbed the back of his neck. "Then or now?"
"I know how you felt then. Tell me when you think it started to change. Tell
me why."
"I...if I'm being completely honest, I guess I'd have to say that I was
always attracted to you. I never would have acted on it. I didn't know if you swung
that way. And then I found out what you really were, what you'd done, and
that was that. Until one day almost a year later when I ran into someone you'd
gone to the academy with. He'd heard that we were partners briefly, and we got
into a little conversation about you. It was then that I found out. He said
that you and his room mate had had sex a few times, and that brought it all back.
I'd kept a tight lid on it, but when I was alone, I'd sit and wonder." Mulder
stared past Alex, at the lamp between the beds. "I started fantasizing about
you, and before I knew it, it had gotten away from me. I'd jerk off every
night thinking about you and I together. Right after I'd come, I'd feel
such...crushing guilt. How could I think of you that way? You killed my father, not to
mention all the other stuff you'd had a hand in. I couldn't stop, though.
"When everything was over, and I'd found you that night in that bar, I...I
had a feeling. I couldn't ignore the fact that you were there, and I couldn't
very well ask you to leave, and...I didn't want to leave."
"We got very drunk that night," Alex remembered.
"Yeah. But not drunk enough that I didn't know what I wanted. And I wasn't so
drunk that I didn't remember the next morning what we did or what it felt
like." Mulder sighed. "So, I was faced with a decision. Let you leave and pretend
like it never happened or chalk it up to a drunken, senseless night,
or...keep fucking you and just find a way to deal with all the shit you'd done." He
closed his eyes. "I woke up the next morning with you there pressed up against
me. Naked and warm, and...you were looking at me. Those eyes...
"We went at it that morning for hours, and I knew I couldn't stop." He looked
at Alex. "How do I feel now about what you'd done? The man was my father. A
lousy excuse for one, but...the only father I had. He's gone now. Nothing I do
or say is ever going to bring him back. So, the decision I have to make
is...do I hang on to old wounds and stay alone for the rest of my life? Or do I let
it go and have companionship? Someone to share things with?"
"You have that with Scully."
"There's lots that I can share with Scully," Mulder admitted. He stared hard
at the younger man. "And there's lots that I can't."
"You'd find someone else if you let yourself. There are plenty of guys who'd
want to be with you. Guys who didn't kill your father or run interference
while your partner got abducted or..."
"What do you want from me?" Mulder snapped, surprising Alex into silence.
"Are you genuinely trying to push me away, or is this some game you're playing?
Reel him in, let him out. Reel him in, let him out."
No answer.
"Do you want me to fall at your feet and beg you to come back?" he asked,
getting louder by the second. "Do you want me to swear undying devotion? What the
fuck do you want from me? This thing has got me exhausted, Alex, so just
tell me what hoops you want me to jump through, I'll do it, and that will be
that!"
Alex stared.
"Or will it?" Mulder asked, squinting as his tone coming down several
decibels. "Maybe you enjoy the game a little too much to give me the answer."
At that, Alex pushed himself out of the chair and headed for the door.
"Oh, no you don't."
Mulder grabbed him and roughly spun him around.
"You're not walking out on this. One way or another, we're settling it."
"Don't tell me what I'm doing," Alex hissed. "You don't fucking own me."
"You know what?" Fox growled. "I've just come to a conclusion." He snapped
his fingers. "The lightbulb just went on. You keep telling me in so many words
that I'm a coward for not facing my feelings. I may have some issues, but
they're nothing that can't be dealt with. But you...I think ou're the coward,
and you're just trying to divert attention away from it by pinning all this
shit on me and spinning me around in circles. That's what I think."
"Fuck you!" Alex spat, pushing Mulder away. "I'm the one who started this,
remember? If I was afraid, why would I do that?"
"You tell me."
"I wouldn't. You're the only who's trying to take the focus off of
himself."
Mulder shook his head. "You say I can't deal with who you were. I'm saying
now that you're the one. You're the one who's ashamed...aren't you? You're the
one who thinks you have no right to be with me."
Alex turned away. "You're cracked."
"Always have been. But that's beside the point. Until you can admit to how
you really feel about your past and cope with it, you'll never be able to accept
that I want you in my life. You'll sabotage every attempt to fix what's wrong
with us.
"You didn't expect that I'd be able to tell you that I could give you what
you
asked for, did you? And you sure as hell didn't expect Scully's reaction.
You were counting on her standing in our way."
"Don't try to profile me," Alex nearly sneered, trying his level best to keep
the upper hand on his emotions. "You can't do it."
"Yeah, I can." Fox had calmed down completely. "And it's got you scared,
hasn't it?"
"Nothing scares me."
"You're not as good a liar as you used to be," Mulder said softly.
"I knew this wasn't going to get us anywhere," Alex said, again trying to
reach the door.
Again, Mulder stopped him.
"Of course you knew. Because you weren't going to let it."
"Get away from the door," Alex demanded in a low voice.
"Make me."
In seconds, Mulder was staring down the barrel of Alex's gun.
"Go ahead and shoot," He said, evenly, not batting so much as an eyelash.
"It's the only way you're getting out of here."
The click of the safety didn't phase him.
Alex stared into Mulder's unblinking eyes for what seemed to him like
forever. He firmed his quivering lower lip and waited. When Mulder refused to move or
look away, he lowered the gun and turned around, taking a few steps away.
Mulder watched silently as Alex sank down on the chair and stared at the
floor. Long minutes passed before he moved toward the other man. Gently, he took
the gun from Alex's limp grasp and placed it on the table. Then he sat. And
said nothing.
Diversion
by Aries
Mulder drew the curtain aside and looked out the window for the hundredth
time.
