Green Eyed Monster by Aries Prequel Alex's Journal March 8 First entry I've never kept a journal before, so I have no clue how to start this. I guess I just did. After weeks of trying to find reasons why I shouldn't do it, I've made the decision to go to Mulder tomorrow. Offer him my assistance and whatever information I have that'll help to bring this shit to an end. Things are going to hell really fast and I no longer have the luxury of options. Besides, two heads are better than one. Well...three. Can't forget Little Red. Not that she'd ever let him. The thought of being a team player makes my skin crawl, but this lone wolf crap just ain't gonna get it anymore. I've gone about as far as I can go alone. It's time for some help. After Mulder tries to kill me, he'll probably ask if I'm out of my fucking mind. I'm asking myself that exact same question right now. What the hell makes me think that he's going to trust me after all the shit I've done to him? Oh Well. If he kills me or refuses my help...or refuses my help then kills me, at least I can say that I tried. For all the fucking good it'll do the world then. March 9 So, here I sit. Holding an icepack over the left side of my face, writing my second entry. Thanks, Mulder, it really is a fucking pretty shade of blue. I can't bitch. I knew it wasn't going to go over too big when I showed up at his door. I wish I had a camera to get a picture of the look on his face though when he opened the door and saw me standing there. It felt ridiculous actually standing there and knocking. As many times as I've been in his apartment, I've never knocked. Anyway, after he finally got over his shock, he grabbed me by my jacket and flung me into the room so hard, I stumbled and slid face first on the floor into his living room. I just about turned myself into a more dignified position when he threw a right cross and knocked me against the couch. He really should see someone about his violent tendencies. Went through all the obligatory 'yes you did, no I didn't' bullshit, then he finally asked me what the fuck I was doing there. Of course, he didn't believe me when I told him. And I had nothing tangible to give him. Nothing but the information I had stored in my head, which was pretty extensive. By the end of my little speech, I thought I saw a little different look in his eye, but that was gone as fast as it appeared. So, after he pulled his gun on me, he asked how far I was willing to go to prove my sincerity. I almost said something that would surely have gotten me killed, but I held my tongue. I asked him what he had in mind, and he said he needed to think about that a while. I'm supposed to contact him again tomorrow. I guess there's hope. March 11 It's late. A little after two. I've been at Mulder's for hours, being grilled. He must've spent all his time since yesterday coming up with questions for me. I think I must've answered them all to his satisfaction because I'm still alive. He looked genuinely surprised when I showed up again at his door at the specified time. It really knocked him on his ass when I offered him my gun. Naturally, he thought it was some kind of trick and insisted on frisking me to be sure that I wasn't carrying another one. Of course, I had to give him some shit. Told him I usually didn't let a guy touch me like that until the third or fourth date. He wasn't amused. Anyway, I spent hours answering question after question. Some of them, the same question, phrased at least five different ways. He tried every way he could think of to catch me in a lie. I think it pissed him off that he couldn't seem to trip me up. Finally, sometime before one, he decided that he wanted me to repeat everything I'd said to him over the last two days to his partner. I can think of things I'd rather be doing...an extended vacation in another missile silo comes to mind, but I know that if he was ever going to trust me, I had to play it his way. To a point, anyway. So, I agreed to talk to Scully. I have to call him later to find out what time. March 12 Well, the meeting is on. I just called Mulder, and he said to come to his apartment at seven. More later. March 13 Another late night. She was already there when I arrived. Standing there with her arms crossed against her chest, staring daggers at me. The hostility so was thick you could cut it with a knife. Well, on her part, anyway. Mulder seemed a little more relaxed than he'd been. Not much, but a little. I walked in, handed him my gun and let him check me again. I had to smile when he asked me if it was okay, seeing as this was now our third date. Scully stood there, glaring and not saying a word. Tiny little red-headed Medusa. Anyway... I didn't think it was possible to be asked the same goddamn questions in ways which I hadn't heard yet, but Red managed it. When she was through, she turned to Mulder without the slightest bit of expression and announced that I was lying through my teeth. Like I didn't see that coming from fifty miles away. He told her that this was the second time he'd heard what I had to say, and I hadn't deviated at all from my first version. She still didn't believe it. He asked me if I would be willing to take a lie detector test, which I have to say pissed me off a little, although why, I can't say. I agreed, though. He said he could get his hands on the equipment, but I'd have to contact him tomorrow. I told him that he was wasting time with all this shit, and time wasn't something we really had no shortage of, so whatever else he wanted to do to make sure that I was on the level, we'd better get it all done in the next two days, or I was walking. He agreed, which ticked Scully off, and he said that he'd get the equipment and that there was one more person who he wanted to bring into this. Walter Skinner has got to be right there in the bottom eight of my favorite people list...right below Scully. But Mulder insisted, and again, I let him have his way. Walt Skinner. This should really be interesting. March 14 All we needed was some chips and dip and some beer, and it would have been a party. Aside from Mulder and Scully and eventually Skinner, his three buddies were there. Geeks of the first magnitude. They brought the equipment. I have to back up a little. I walked in at seven-thirty. Mulder and I went through our ritual. The Ice Princess was there, stiff as always, and hunched around the coffee table were the three geeks. They looked at me as though I was the grim reaper or something. I could swear that two of them were shaking. Mulder introduced them, not that he needed to. I'd done enough surveillance on Mulder to know more about him than his own mother...which wasn't especially hard. As Byers was finishing the set up, the buzzer rang, and Scully let the last party guest in. Skinner walked in and didn't stop until he was standing not more than a foot and a half away from me. It was the last thing I remember, until waking up on the floor with Mulder kneeling over me. He asked me if I was all right, and when I opened my mouth to tell him that I was just fucking peachy, my face started to throb. Fucking son of a bitch. He hit me on the same side that Mulder had, only with about three times the force. I'm surprised all my teeth are still in my mouth. I didn't need this shit. I staggered to my feet and snatched up my jacket and was about to leave, when Mulder caught me by my upper arm. He said that while I was out, he'd had a talk with Skinhead, and he'd agreed not to touch me again. I can't believe I'm going to say this, I can't believe it. Ah, what the fuck? Nobody is going to read this but me...or Mulder, but that will only be if I'm dead, and by then, who gives a shit? The whole time he was talking to me, all I could focus on was the feel of his hand around my arm and his eyes. I've heard about falling into someone's eyes, but I've always just dismissed it as so much crap. Till tonight. Shit, those eyes are beautiful. Mostly green with slashes of gold and blue. And I really did feel like I could just get lost in them. I blinked, and he wasn't looking at me any more. He was looking at Skinner. And talking. When I finally managed to tune in to what was being said, I heard Mulder telling the asshole that he wouldn't have him and everybody else there if he didn't believe me and if he didn't think that this wasn't damn serious. Skinner came toward us and stopped just parallel to me and said something like, if I was just jerking everybody around and wasting their valuable time, I was going to wish I was dead. I guess I must have tensed because Mulder's hand was around my arm again. Skinner noticed and just gave me this sneer that made me wish I hadn't given Mulder my gun. Then he dropped into a chair and told Mulder to get on with it. In the meantime, Scully had come from the kitchen with an icepack. She shoved it at me, then Mulder steered me toward a chair. I sat down and let Byers hook me up. The first two inevitable questions were asked and I gave my no answer to both. Half an hour later, Byers and the other two stood checking the results, shaking their heads. Skinner was the first one to open his big mouth, saying that he knew this was going to be a bunch of crap. He got out of his chair, and I jumped up. He wasn't going to catch me off guard again. Mulder and Scully jumped between us, and the little troll...Frohike, started yelling, saying that I'd passed. Not just passed, I'd aced the motherfucker. It was worth getting knocked out, just to see the look on the bastard's face. Red's, too. In light of the results, Mulder asked for a truce and wouldn't move on to any new business until everyone in the room had agreed. So, for the third and final fucking time, we went over all this shit. Since I'm the one who knows names, times, dates and locations, and has the ability to get in and out of a lot of the places that we'll need to, it was decided that this is going to be my show. Nobody says a word, nobody makes a move without my say so. No power plays here. It's necessary if everybody is going to stay alive. Everybody's jobs were established, then Scully suggested we all call it a night so everyone would be rested for tomorrow. The geeks left, then Scully. Skinner couldn't resist threatening me one more time before he took off. Mulder handed me my weapon back and I had to fight back the urge to follow Skinner outside and bust a cap in that shiny head of his. Instead, I stood at the door, talking to Mulder for a few minutes. I told him that this was dangerous, dangerous shit we were about to get into, and if he had any doubts at all, about himself or the others, I needed him to say so. He answered for himself exactly the way I knew he would and promised to talk to the others tomorrow. I told him that I knew what it must have taken for him to believe me and agree to work with me; after all, I may not have killed his father, but I'd done a whole hell of a lot of other shit to him. He told me not to worry about it, he hadn't forgotten a thing, and left it at that. I left and went down to my car, half expecting to see Skinner waiting for me somewhere in the shadows, but he was gone. Probably a damn good thing for both of us. March15 It's eight a.m., and I've booked three tickets on a flight to Arizona. There's a testing site there that they'd never find on their own, and they need to know exactly where it is, in case something happens to me and they need to get back to it. We leave tonight, at six-ten. Think I'll take a break and go visit Byers. He seems like the most level-headed of the bunch and I'm pretty sure I can trust him with the location of this journal. Somebody's gotta know, in the likely event I wind up buying it at some point during this thing. March 17 Just got back in from Arizona. There's a strong rebel base there. One of the largest, and thankfully, still a secret to those who really don't need to know of its existence. We took every precaution to insure that we weren't followed there by any of the hunter/killers. Disaster is much too mild a word for what would happen if we had been. We met six out of the twenty-odd 'Stevens', who worked round the clock, monitoring the development of the other clones, and searched for a way to destroy the things that the black oil evolved into. The vaccine did no good once that change had taken place, and it had. At an alarming rate. They had managed to capture and contain one of the fuckers and were experimenting on it with everything they could think of, as fast as they dared. So far, they've only come up with one promising lead and are working as fast as they can, to improve on it. Scully was fascinated. I mean, we all were, but she was dying to examine the thing, which of course, they couldn't let her do. And of course, right away she came to the conclusion that it was all a big hoax. I didn't have to explain to her the dangers of getting near the thing, but ever since that first day in Mulder's apartment, she's been looking for a reason why I shouldn't be trusted, and this seemed as good as any. Fortunately, Mulder was still with the program. As anxious as he was for more, he understood and reminded her that we all agreed that it was my call. We stayed just a little while longer. No time to linger. Too much for us to do. Too much to show them. We caught a flight back to DC, and now I'm here at home, writing this, instead of getting a good night's sleep. I have to get to bed now though. We've got an early day. I happen to know that the smoking bastard and his cronies will not be in their New York office tomorrow, and I just happen to know a way into the building... March 18 We're back. We, being Mulder and me. There was no need for Scully to be along on this, and it was easier if I didn't have to watch out for two of them. We caught an early flight to New York and wasted no time. I showed Mulder an easy way to get into the building. I mean, there's no easy way, but every fortress has weak spots. Areas that are more easily breached than others. We made it into the elders' inner sanctum, and just as I said, there wasn't a soul around. You're too confident, boys. You ought to do like Congress does, and leave one at home to mind the store, just in case. We searched the office, even though I was pretty sure that it'd be a waste of time. They'd be very sure not to leave anything incriminating hanging around. No, I knew where the jackpot would be. The door at the other end of the room. I've seen them come in and out of that room, but I've never been invited inside. And everyone always looks so suspicious when they come out of there. That's the joint. That's where we wanted to be. I'd done a peripheral survey of the place on my many legitimate visits and more in-depth investigating on the occasions when I've snuck in, and we brought along with us the proper equipment to gain entrance. Mulder was nervous, asking me at least half a dozen times if I was insane, wanting to do this in the morning. But I knew this was the best time. They'd never think that anyone would have the balls to try to walk in here in broad daylight. I think I should be insulted. Anyway, we disarmed the first two alarms without too much fuss, but the third gave us a bit more trouble. By the time we finally cut it, we were both drenched in sweat. I can think of much better reasons to be drenched in sweat, believe me. Okay Alex, knock it off. So, we made it in, disabled the cameras, and got down to business. It was like the equivalent of Disneyland for Mulder. He was a bit nervous about getting in, but once there, it was obvious that I was going to have to drag him out. We photographed, copied, and just plain stole everything we could get our hands on, then left. I was nervous that we'd stayed too long, and my instincts were right. We had to do some serious maneuvering to get ourselves, the equipment, and our newly acquired information out of there and past the new shift of rested and alert guards. I didn't breathe easy until we were on a plane and heading back to DC. Mulder was pumped. He dragged me off the plane and right over to the LGM. He called Scully on the way, and she met us there. While Langly and Frohike started developing the film, the rest of us began to go through the tapes and floppies. We worked until we couldn't see straight, then called it a night. Morning, actually. It's three twenty-eight right now, and I've got to get my ass to bed and try to get at least six good hours before we go back to work again. This is going to be a long, pain-in-the-ass project; I can see it already. But if it proves to be the means to an end, I guess it'll be worth it. March 20 God, I feel like shit. I'm tired, as is everybody else, but no one's complaining. Langly and Frohike finally got the seventeen rolls of film all developed. Looks like there could be a lot of useful information there. We've got quite a few addresses. A good number of them are in Europe, so it looks like at least one of us is going to be doing a little traveling. I recognize a lot of the pictures. Places I've been. Horrors I've seen. Faces of men who've got no business breathing. Lots of them now dead, for one reason or another. The worst of them remain. Figures. Look at me. Who the hell am I to pass judgment on anyone? I'm no cleaner than they are. If they're not fit to live, neither am I. That should all be resolved soon though anyway. I don't expect to make it through this. Not after they start to figure it out. My life won't be worth two cents. I just need enough time to get Mulder through the toughest parts. After he's got them in a position that they can't slither, torch or kill their way out of, he'll be safe. I just need to stay alive at least that long, to cover that pretty ass of his. Forget his ass, Krycek. It ain't yours. Never was, never will be. March 21 According to some of the very recent intelligence that we'd stolen, a possible new pocket of resistance had cropped up in North Carolina. If they know about it, it'll only be a matter of time before the h/k's do, too. We're on our way there tomorrow. March 23 We found the facility and had no trouble getting in. Apparently, every clone and his brother knows who Mulder is. We issued the warning but found that they already knew that their time was limited. All vital information had already been dispersed to the other sites, and they were preparing to move out themselves. But, goddamn it all, just as we were leaving, the shit hit the fan. Mulder and I just about got out of there when the h/k came through. I had all I could do to keep him from going back in. Even with all the blasting and fire, he wouldn't give up on the thought that maybe he could save one of them. I had to literally wrap my arms around him to hold him back. He would have gotten himself killed, the damn idiot. When he finally realized that it was too late, he let me take him away from the scene. He was quiet on the flight back. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking. I started to, at least half a dozen times, but I was afraid to know. I know a lot about his life, his job...stuff like that, but I can't claim to know him. But there was something about his expression...his eyes, that said so many things. Coward. Heartless, self-serving Krycek wouldn't even try to save them. Cold blooded prick... I could be wrong. Maybe that isn't what he was thinking at all. I don't know. I guess I'll never know. And he'll never know that it was him. His safety that was my first priority. For more reasons than he'd ever understand. March 24 Byers recognized one of the men in the pictures we took as a Doctor Manheim. Genetics was his bag. Apparently he was in the middle of some pretty heavy work when he disappeared one day back in the mid-seventies. Right off a ski slope in New Hampshire, never to be found again. Till now. That picture is a recent one. Wonder if his wife and daughter know? There were two addresses in with the picture. One here in the States...Vermont, and the other is in Austria. In the interest of saving time, I'm going to Austria alone, while Mulder and Scully check out that Vermont address. We leave tomorrow morning. Mulder is a little bit colder than he has been. Not that he's been Mr. Warmth, but he's been a hell of a lot more civil to me than I thought he would be. I hope he gets over what happened yesterday soon. It doesn't help working conditions in the slightest, and he needs all his attention concentrated on the job. Who the fuck am I kidding? It's not the job. Well, yeah, it is the job, but that's not all. It bothers me, okay? There, I said, it. His distance bothers me. He's talked to me, he has to, but he hasn't looked at me. Maybe it's better if he doesn't. That whole getting lost in his eyes thing is not good. I wish I hadn't written it, but damn, now that I have, there's no sense in taking it back. It'd be a lie if I did. Now, why would I care about that? Shit, I don't know. I'm getting a major headache. Time for bed. March 30 Shit, shit, shit. They're on to us. Three days searching. I found him. Another day of gentle persuasion. I had him. He was set to come back with me. I'd gotten it out of him that he was approached over twenty years ago about his research by a group of men who asked that he work for them. When he refused, the lives of his wife, daughter and anyone else even remotely related to him were threatened. As proof of the group's determination, his sister's husband was made an example of. He still refused, not wanting to believe the extent of their power. The next day, a first cousin who was as close as any brother was killed in a car crash. He'd been convinced. It was arranged that he would disappear without a trace and his wife and daughter would be well cared for, for the rest of their lives. He was not exactly willing to put them at risk by resurfacing. I could understand that. He must have loved them dearly to have stayed away from them for all those years. You sacrifice a lot for those you love. Or so I hear. Anyway, I managed to make him understand that there was a hell of a lot more at stake here, and if he didn't come back with me, his family would suffer a much worse fate. We all would. I made the fucking stupid mistake of leaving him alone. There were no phones around at the house where he was staying, and I had to check on the plane reservations and call Mulder. By the time I got back, the whole fucking place was in flames. I got out of there as fast as I could and lay low until my flight. All the way home, I kept expecting the plane to blow up. When it didn't, I began to wonder if they might not have a more painful, drawn out death in store for me. I wouldn't be a bit surprised I made it back and tracked Mulder and Scully down. I hadn't gotten the chance to contact them again, so they had no idea that the doctor was not with me. Mulder's expression betrayed little or no emotion when he'd heard the news and I can't help but wonder what it was he was thinking. Maybe he thought I should have run into the burning house in case the doc was still alive. Forget it, Alex. Don't go there. Mulder and Scully found the daughter. The wife had died a few years earlier. Nothing suspicious, the woman had heart trouble for a few years and just had a coronary and keeled over one day. He said that the daughter was shocked that someone was actually poking around, asking questions about her father's disappearance, some twenty-odd years later. The case had been closed ages ago. Not wanting to raise the woman's hopes, they just made up an excuse about doing some research on unsolved cases and asked if there was anything left of her father's personal effects. She explained that everything had been lost in a fire at their family home not long after the doctor's disappearance. What a surprise. We spent the rest of the day examining more documents and updating lists. Around five-thirty, Mulder received a call from Skinner. He was calling from an undisclosed location and informed Mulder that he was sure that he was being surveilled. He had to be very careful about when and where he contacted us. Well, that was fine with me. I don't know why the hell we needed him in this in the first place. The less we heard from him, the better, as far as I was concerned. Of course, maybe I shouldn't have said that out loud. His friends didn't appreciate it too much, Scully more so, and Mulder most of all. Mulder spent most of the afternoon ignoring me. Now I'm sure he thinks that I must have screwed up somehow...or I'm jerking them around. I'm not sure which. Fine. Whatever. Let him believe what he wants. I don't give a shit. April 2 I can't believe this. That chain smoking bastard contacted me today, wanting to deal. Deal? Is he out of his fucking mind? What the hell deal is there to make? We either fight or become slaves. I see absolutely no room for dickering there. I told him to go fuck himself. He got pissed and told me that he was going to kill me in the slowest and most horribly painful way possible. Okay smokey, tell me something I don't know. But to kill me, he's going to have to catch me. And I can't let him do that yet. Not while Mulder is still in danger. Maybe with a little luck, I'll get him before he gets me. I told them about the call when we got together earlier. We have to move faster. Those bastards are going to be doing whatever they have to do, to make sure that they can't be connected with any of this shit, and that means burial of a whole bunch of evidence. There are a whole lot more of them than there are of us, so we're going to have to pick our battles carefully. I have to do a little backtracking first. When we left the LGM tonight, I stopped Mulder and asked him to talk. Yeah, I know what I said about not giving a shit what he thought. I asked him what the hell his problem was, and he just sort of stood there for a while, looking down at the ground. Then finally, he said that it had occurred to him that I could be screwing them all over. Showing them things they wanted to see, pulling an elaborate smoke and mirrors thing, while my bosses continued to run their game, unimpeded. And it would all be his fault. He'd believed me and convinced Scully and the others to do the same. I looked at him standing there, eyes still lowered to the ground, and my heart sank to my feet. I would have felt better if he had just slugged me. That I could handle, but this? I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to prove to him that I really was working with and not against him. So, I just threw caution to the wind and asked him. Okay, he said that the thought had occurred to him. But did he really, deeply, in his heart, believe that I was lying to him? He said no, but that's what made it worse. His heart had gotten him into big trouble plenty of times before. Well, I couldn't argue that. All I could do was swear to him that I was on the level and corny as it sounded, the fate of the world hinged on whether or not we could stop this mess. I asked him to go home and give it a lot of thought. I needed his trust. If he doubted me, if he questioned my motives at every turn, this would not work. I told him that I knew that was a hell of a lot to ask, given our history, but nevertheless, I was asking. He agreed to think about it, then he left. I stood there, leaning against my car for the longest time, and then suddenly the strongest feeling washed over me. It was a bad, bad feeling. I jumped in my car and headed toward Mulder's. I pulled up to his apartment building and looked up at his dark window. I looked up and down the street. It was quiet, but for some reason, the silence didn't hit me right. I drew my gun and checked out the outside of the building, but found nothing out of the ordinary. I went inside, and it was as quiet as it was outside. I thought I heard a door swish closed, and the bad feeling got worse. I ran up to the fourth floor and found that his door was ajar. I nudged the door open and slipped inside. There was someone else there, I could smell him. It took a couple of seconds for my eyes to adjust to the dark, and then I saw him. Pointing his weapon. I dropped him before he could get off a round, and Mulder jumped up from the couch. I flipped the wall switch and found him standing there, dazed and shocked, looking down at the dead man. I came into the room, asking him if he was all right, and all he could do was give me this wide-eyed stare. I sat him down and got him a glass of water. I made him promise to stay put while I got rid of the body. I'd remembered to put the silencer on my weapon, so chances were great that no one heard the shot. I found a blanket, wrapped the body, and took it out to my car. Fortunately, the guy wasn't especially big, and I didn't have much of a problem lifting him. Once the body was in my trunk, I went back up to Mulder, who was still sitting on his couch. He was more composed now and started asking questions as soon as I came back through the door. He wanted to know, first of all, who that man was, and secondly, how I knew he was there. I had to tell him that it was just a feeling. I mean, what else could I say? It was the truth. He just sort of looked at me with this unreadable expression on his face and said nothing. I recognized the asshole who tried to kill him as a lackey for the Consortium, though I didn't know his name. He asked me what I was going to do with the body. I just told him not to worry about it, that it would be taken care of. I cleaned up all traces of blood from the floor, asked him again if he was okay, then called Scully, told her what happened, and suggested that she watch her back. She insisted on coming over, so I waited with Mulder until she got there. We sat in virtual silence until Scully showed up at the door. As I was leaving, Mulder looked up and said thanks. I didn't know how to respond, so I just nodded, then left. I properly disposed of the body, and now I'm back home. They tried once, they'll try again. Maybe it'd be better if Scully stayed with him, to watch him when I can't. Not that he'd appreciate having anyone for a babysitter, but he'd be much more comfortable with his partner, I'm sure. He thanked me. Does that mean he believes me? Does it, Mulder? I don't know. I'm just glad I was there. I didn't have time to be scared when I first came in and found that guy standing over you. I just did what I had to do, but after it was over, my whole body had started to shake. I don't know if you noticed. I don't think so; you were too dazed to realize. If I had been just ten seconds later, you'd be dead. Jesus, just writing that makes my hand shake. So much would be lost if you'd died. It's inconceivable. I can't let it happen. I will not let it happen. April 3 Names, names and more names. I saw your face. Watched your expression as we read together the names of the people involved in this shit. People in the highest branches of government. Our own, and other countries'. The damage that bringing this out in the open could do is staggering. We all agree that the quieter it's done, the better. Of course, how does the government explain a shakeup of this magnitude to the nation without raising a whole shitload of suspicion? Well, it beats the alternative. They'll find a way to get around it. I have no doubt. Besides, we've got enough of our own problems to worry about. Against my better judgment, I'm going to the Ukraine, alone. According to the latest data we've received, there's a massive effort going on there to alter the vaccine to introduce it to the general public without its knowledge. It won't help with those that have already evolved, but at least it'll stop others from being infected in the first place. I have to get there and gather all the information that I can before the operation is taken out. Hopefully I'll be in time. I leave soon. You should be here in about half an hour to pick me up. There is another facility that I had no idea about. Right in our own backyard. It wasn't in any of the documents that we'd stolen, so I'm hoping that smokey and the boys don't know about it, either. We were contacted this morning and were asked for a meeting. We agreed that we'd go together, once I got back. I hope to return in just a couple of days. I've already told you that if I'm not back by the sixth, presume that I've been killed and continue without me. Now, I didn't say that for shock effect. I expected no reaction, but I think I got one anyway. I saw your eyes. I saw the tiniest change in your expression, and I couldn't help but be filled with hope. Hope for what, I don't know. A friendship that has no time to develop and grow? Grow into what? I'm dreaming, Mulder. I'm fucking dreaming. And rambling. If you ever read this, just chalk it up to a dead man's insanity, and burn this journal. Save the world, and then forget about me. April 6 Son of a bitch! You had to do it, didn't you? You had to go without me! The sixth, Mulder, I said the sixth! You went yesterday, which was the fucking fifth! What the hell were you thinking? God, I could strangle you. You know, I had this bad feeling all the way home, just like the one I had the night that I caught that guy in your apartment. I couldn't wait to get off the goddamn plane and find you. I'd breathe easier when I saw you. I walk into your office, and what the fuck do I find? Scully. Just Scully. When she told me that the two of you had gone to the facility and that you'd encountered one of the h/k's and that you'd been hurt and were in the hospital, I felt all the life drain out of me. I knew it. I knew I should have taken you with me. Shit! Okay, so she said that it was only a concussion and that you'd be fine, but it could have been so much worse, Fox. What the fuck ever possessed you to try to take one of those things down? You know what they're all about. Yeah, yeah, your partner was in danger, and you had to save her. Well, she wouldn't have been in danger if she'd just kept you away from the bloody place! I told you to wait for me, didn't I? Didn't I say, "Mulder, stay away from the facility. We'll check it out together when I get back." My exact. Fucking. Words. But did you listen to me? Now I can see why Scully is pissed with you so much of the time. Back to Scully. I'd like to wring her little neck, but I guess I can't. Short of shooting you in both legs, I suppose there would have been no way for her to stop you. That's why I shouldn't leave your side. You can just swat Scully to the side, the little red-headed gnat, but I can't be so easily moved. And I won't be. Not if I think your safety is going to be compromised. If there are any outrageous chances to be taken around here, I'll take them. I'm expendable. You, Fox, are not. I wanted to go to the hospital today...as soon as Scully told me what had happened, but I thought better of it. It would just seem a little...I don't know...odd, I guess. Besides, I needed time to calm my nerves. Please, don't get me wrong. If Scully had told me that you were badly injured, there'd be no way in hell that I'd stay away, but since you're fine, I'll wait till tomorrow. In the meantime, I'll just hang out here, pacing a hole in my floor. You're not alone, Scully is there with you, and since you're temporarily incapacitated, I guess it's safe enough leaving her to watch you, for tonight. But it still doesn't mean that I won't worry. On a brighter note, I found the facility, said the magic password (Fox Mulder seems to be the equivalent of open sesame), and bang, I was in. They've gotten farther with their research than intelligence would suggest. The plan is to introduce the vaccine to all water and food sources. Whether ingested or absorbed, it will have the same affect. It's been tested and retested, and the results are the same. Complete and total protection against the virus. Thank God. You were actually going to be contacted in a few days, but I guess my arrival saved us some time. At great risk to themselves, the resistance is going to stage a massive campaign, positioning themselves at the most strategic points around the world. At a time soon to be determined, they're going to release the vaccine. We need to cover them. Provide some sort of distraction. I think I've got an idea, but I want to run it by you first. It involves Skinner. Yes, he May finally be able to make himself useful. They're already watching him closely. Well, what if he suddenly took off one day? Booked a flight to somewhere, then disappeared? They'd think something was up. I know. Why would a massive organization come to a grinding halt to tail one man? Maybe it won't. But maybe we don't need it to. maybe, they'd be thrown off kilter just long enough for the resistance to release the vaccine. Not much of a plan, I know. But it's all I've got at the moment. I'm exhausted and my nerves are shot...thanks, Mulder. If you're able to come up with a better idea, I'll be thrilled to hear it when I see you tomorrow. Well, I'd better try to get some sleep, now. The faster I pass out, the faster morning will come. April 7 Morning. God, that was the fucking longest night of my life. I'm off to the hospital in a few minutes. There were no phone calls during the night, so I expect to find you alive and well when I get there. It's eleven forty-nine, now. When I got to the hospital, I found Scully and Frohike there. Skinner walked in just minutes later. I didn't appreciate the fact that he'd come, but one of his agents was injured. There was no big deal about him going to the hospital to see him, I guess. You were fighting with Scully and the doctor, and being completely obnoxious. The room went quiet when I walked in. You turned those eyes up to me and I could feel myself turning to liquid. Shit, what the hell is wrong with me? You looked up at me, and I could swear I saw a trace of a smile. I sloshed over to the bed and tried like hell to give off some attitude, but it just wasn't happening. I played it through anyway, yelling at you about what happened, and I asked you why the hell you went to the facility when I specifically asked you to wait until the sixth. You got itchy. That was my answer. Well, how do I respond to that? I wanted to choke you. I wanted to slap you silly; I wanted to punch you dead in the mouth and double the size of those lips, those goddamn, infuriatingly luscious lips. Then I wanted to kiss you and not stop until I felt you kissing me back and you understood. I wish you could understand, Fox. Fuck, I wish I understood. Because I don't. I don't know. I don't know where all these feelings are coming from. I've always been attracted to you, I won't deny it. But this fear, this bone-rattling fear that something will happen to you, it's not...and I can try from now till hell freezes over, and I won't be able to reason it away...it's not just in the interest of world preservation or even self preservation, it goes much deeper than that. There was a day...one day last week, when we were all at your apartment. I don't remember now what I'd said, but it struck you funny, and you laughed. A flat-out laugh. Your eyes crinkled at the corners, and the full, rich sound of your laughter filled the room. It didn't last, it wasn't any big deal. Nothing terribly significant I guess, but it meant the world to me. And now, this little moment today. You know, I suddenly find myself wanting to get through this alive...which is pointless, because even if I did make it through in one piece, then what? You go your way, I go mine? But it would shock you to know, Fox, that your way is my way. Jesus Christ, this journal was a fucking bad idea. It's so easy. Much too easy to write these things down. I should just stop. Stop writing right now and destroy the damn thing. But what good would that do? The feelings are out there. I've released them forever, and they can't ever be taken back. Even if you never know...they're out there. And they're for you. You'd probably shoot me where I stand if you knew this stuff. I guess it's a good thing that I'm dead, as you're reading this. I'd rather look into the face of death and recognize it as an enemy, someone I hate, than see you. Then I can die, holding onto the foolish notion that there may have been a slim chance. Where the hell was I? Oh yeah. Scully decided to play attack dog, since it looked like you had no intentions of defending yourself. Just as she started to let me have it, Skinhead walked in, and it immediately became two against one. Their jaws dropped to the floor, as did mine, when you came to my defense. You told them that we'd made an agreement, and you went back on it. You said that you deserved the reprimand and then turned to me and promised that you'd be more cooperative in the future. I had to sit down before I fell down. When I'd finally gotten over the shock, I told you about what I'd found in the Ukraine and my idea, lame as it was. Skinner was ready to jump all over me, but again you came to my rescue, saying that it wasn't such a bad idea. All we needed was a little breathing space, and Skinner's sudden trip may afford us that. After a bit of arguing, it was decided. As soon as word came down, Skinner would be off. I think what pissed him off more than anything was that it was my idea, and you went along with it. It didn't thrill Scully a whole lot either. She kept asking you if you were sure and if you realized what it was you were saying; after all, you did suffer a concussion. God, that ticked me off. I wanted to slap that condescending tone right out of her. Why do you let her talk to you like that? Never mind. You're asleep right now, in your bedroom. I'm out here on the couch. The doctor agreed to release you if someone stayed with you for at least one night. No problem there, I had no intention of leaving you alone, anyway. This also didn't go over too big with the gang. I understand that they're trying to protect you, but what they don't understand is I want the same thing. Scully is a very capable agent, I can't take that away from her, but she's not a killer. I am. A second's hesitation is all it would take for disaster to strike. I'm not willing to take that chance. Not with you. You agreed that I should stay with you, and that really stuck in her craw. You tried to explain to her that you didn't want her in any more danger than was necessary, but it didn't exactly sit well with her. She finally left at about nine o'clock and promised you that she'd call the minute she got home. She did, and the two of you were on the phone for at least fifteen minutes. You kept your replies as brief as possible, but I know you were arguing about me. You hung up and sent another of those almost smiles my way and asked if I wanted anything to eat or drink. I refused and recommended that you turn in and get some rest. You gave in without an argument, so I assume that you must have been pretty tired. And now I sit here, alone in your living room, with the flicker of the t.v. for company, and writing in this stupid journal. I just stopped a second ago, to check in on you. You were out. Good. You could use the sleep. I stood there for a few seconds, looking at you. The light from the hall lent just enough visibility for me to make out your face. Jesus, Fox, even in sleep you're not completely at rest. I could see your eyes going a mile a minute under your lids. Your body jumped once, and I thought you may have been having a nightmare. I almost woke you, but number one, you settled back down, and number two, what the hell would I have done with the awkward moment after you opened your eyes and I explained why I woke you, and what I was doing in your bedroom in the first place? Instead, I waited a few more seconds, then left the room. I wonder if that's how you always sleep. And I can't help wondering if having someone beside you to hold and comfort you would keep whatever demons torment you away. April 9 The time is set. Skinner leaves suddenly, later today. No warning to the Director, no word of any kind to anyone. That ought to make them sit up and take notice. All we can do right now is sit and wait for word. April 11 Goddamn, it went like clockwork. Mission accomplished. Skinner is back without a scratch on him. Damn the bad luck. Sorry, Fox, that wasn't nice. I know he's a friend. That was almost too easy. Unfortunately, large numbers were lost, but from what we understand, each group completed its mission before they were taken out. The old guys slipped. They fell asleep at the switch for two seconds and are now finding that they aren't untouchable. Unfortunately, Fox, we aren't at the point yet where we can safely say that they're broken. If anything, desperation will make them more dangerous. We have to find a way to take the aliens down. Back to Arizona, we go. The best hope still seems to lie there with the 'Stevens'. April 13 Big doings. Our friends in Arizona have now got backup. Since the vaccine has been successfully released, they are better able to concentrate their efforts in one area. There's more security at the facility now, and the research teams have been doubled. They feel they're close. They just need a little more time. We didn't have an opportunity the last time we were there, so yesterday, they took us on a tour of the facility. It's huge. So huge it's amazing that they've been able to keep it secret. There were other clones there, besides the Stevens. We'd met about fifteen Marcys and, passing through on our way out, came across two young ones, walking through the hall. Scully's knees went out from under her. Good catch, Fox. We were taken to a small room where you laid her down on a sofa and sat rubbing her hand. I wanted to ask, but you were so intensely concentrated on your partner I didn't think you'd even hear me. She finally came around, and after asking her if she was all right, you said you'd get someone to explain it to her and left the two of us alone. She was trying so hard to keep herself together, but I could see her slowly coming unglued. I got up and squatted in front of her and asked what was wrong. She looked up at me, and the tears started to flow. I didn't know what to do. I didn't think the Ice Princess ever fell apart. I sat beside her and put an arm around her, and she practically fell against me, crying like a baby. I asked her again what was wrong, and she managed to tell me about Emily. The two we'd seen in the hall were obviously her, or...more of her...whatever. I felt terrible for her. She was so upset. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a child. And even under the unnatural circumstances in which she came into the world, it couldn't have been any easier to let her go. Yesterday, I found new respect for Scully. I sat holding her, letting her cry it all out, and when she was done, she pulled away and dried her eyes. Two minutes later, you came in with one of the Stevens, and he explained the presence of the two that we had seen. They were rescued from a lab in Stockholm, the only two survivors of the experiments that were being performed there. They weren't direct hybrids, but clones from the original Emily. Scully's Emily. They were safe at the facility, and it was agreed that there is where they would remain. Since yesterday, Scully and I seem to have formed an unspoken truce. I think she finally realizes that I'm not exactly who she thought I was. And she sure isn't who I thought. This is good. April 14 And this is bad. Well, it could have been worse. Fortunately, I'm in the habit of checking my car out before I start it. You know, just in case any bombs wander up under there. Well, it paid off, today. I would have been confetti if I'd just jumped in and started it up. I called you and Scully and warned you both not to get into your own vehicles until they'd been checked out. The LGM and Skinner were informed too. None of you found anything, so I guess it was just me they were after, today. Gee, I feel so special. I disconnected the device and got myself over to your office. Scully seemed genuinely concerned when she asked if I was okay, and it actually felt good to know that someone was worried about me. I looked over at you and saw the concern in your eyes too, even though you said nothing. There was no need, I guess. Scully had already spoken for the both of you. I asked you if you felt well enough to be at work, and you of course, said that you were fine, although your eyes did still look a bit glassy to me. I looked to Scully for confirmation and she threw her hands up, saying that you were an impossible pain in the ass who did exactly what you wanted to do, no matter how stupid she told you it was. I studied you for a few seconds, then snatched your jacket off of the hook and threw it at you. You gave me this "excuse me?" look and I told you that I was taking you home. We did the "no I'm not, yes you are" thing for a couple of seconds, then I got pissed. I walked up to you and looked you square in the eye and said, "Yes. You. Are." Some nerve, huh? I think even Scully got a little nervous. She probably thought that we were going to come to blows. But you looked at me for a while and then brushed past me and walked out the door. Scully gave me a smug little grin and said that we'd better follow you. She obviously thought that you were taking off to go about your business. She almost dropped when we caught up to you and found you sitting in your car on the passenger's side. I wish I'd had a video camera to get a shot of Scully's face, and then you while you sat there pouting. You looked up at me, then snapped your fingers impatiently, mumbling something like, "If you want me to go home, you're going to drive." Damn, that pout. Jesus, Fox, you're so beautiful. Something just occurred to me. When the hell did I start calling you Fox? Hey, and when did I start addressing you directly? Damn. I mean, yeah, this journal was for you, but now it seems as if it's for...you. Does that make any sense? Shit, it seems like every time I start to get personal, I start making less sense. You really fuck me up, you know that, Mulder? Mulder. Tried it, doesn't sound right anymore, going back to Fox. Okay, Fox. So I drove you home, and Scully followed. You gave me the silent treatment all the way to your apartment, which was fine. I really didn't think you were in any shape to be arguing anyway. We got back to your place, and you dropped down on the couch and closed your eyes. Scully asked if you had a headache, and you nodded. She went to get you some aspirin, and I sat in the chair opposite the couch, watching you. You must have felt my eyes on you because you opened your eyes and turned your head in my direction. Scully came out of the bathroom before you could say anything to me, and I don't know if that was good or bad. You took the aspirin, then settled back and closed your eyes again. I felt a tap on my shoulder, and Scully waved me into the kitchen. Once we were in there, she told me that she didn't know what it was I did or how, but she was glad for it. You needed another day, maybe two, of rest, and she didn't know how she was going to get you to take it. I shrugged and chalked it up to dumb luck. By the time we got back out to the living room, you were asleep. Scully called the LGM to ask if they were done cleaning up the old audio tapes that we'd brought them. When she got no answer, she started to become concerned. At least one of them should have been there at that time of day. I didn't want to leave you, but I volunteered to go check on them, knowing that you'd never forgive me if she'd walked into a bad situation and something happened to her. She surprised me by insisting that it was more important that I stay and watch you. She promised to be extra careful and to call as soon as she got there. I sat watching t.v., glancing from time to time at you, as your body flinched and you made these tiny little agitated sounds. I wanted to get up out of my chair. Go to you. Lay my hand on your arm. Maybe your head. Whisper to you that everything was okay. I read once where people could hear what was being said to them in their sleep. Before I could do something I'd probably not live to regret, you woke up. You blinked up at the ceiling for a few seconds before looking around the room. Our eyes met again, only this time, Scully wasn't there to interrupt. Seemed like hours had gone by before you spoke. In reality, I'm sure it had only been a few seconds, but it didn't seem that way. Not for me, anyway. You asked me where Scully was. Your voice was soft and scratchy from sleep, and it sent a tingle right down through the middle of me. It took me a while to trust my voice enough to tell you. Before you could respond, the phone rang. It was Scully. I could see what little color you had drain out of your face, then you asked her about the guys. You nodded a lot, like she could really see you, and the last thing you said before you hung up was, "I'll be right there." The phone rang almost immediately again, as I was asking you what had happened. You said that someone had attempted to torch the LGM's place with them right there, inside. You got up, ignoring the phone and started to prepare to leave. I had a feeling that ringing phone that you were ignoring was Scully, so I took a chance and answered it. Sure enough. She told me first of all to stop you. There was no need for you to go down there. When I had you settled, I should call her back. I slammed the phone down and stopped you at the door. You're one stubborn son of a bitch, you know that, Fox? Fortunately, the concussion put you in a bit of a weakened state, and I was able to subdue you and get you back over to the couch. To make sure you stayed there while I made the call, I sat down at the edge, sort of pinning you in. While you cursed me and my whole family, I called Scully back. Turns out that yes, someone did try to torch the place but was largely unsuccessful. The guys, being every bit as paranoid as you are, have detection devices everywhere, and the fire department got there very quickly. The damage was minimal, and the worst of it is, the place'll smell like smoke for a few weeks. I've been there. It'll be an improvement. What really shocks the shit out of me is the increasing failure rate that the old guys are experiencing. Who the hell have they got pulling these jobs for them, anyway? Gee, they must miss me... Anyway, Scully made me promise to keep you there and said she'd be back later. I told her not to worry, that I'd cuff you and sit on you if I had to, to keep you in one place. I could see you glaring at me out of the corner of my eye. When I hung up, you were still staring daggers at me. I suggested you take off your coat since you weren't going anywhere, and you yanked it off and threw it at me. It's okay, Fox. I understand how frustrated you must have been. An attempt was made on your friends' lives because they were willing to help you, and you felt the least you could have done was be there. You said very little to me the rest of the day, even after Scully and your friends showed up later. I'd catch you looking at me quite often, but every time that happened, you'd turn your head and say nothing. What's up with that, Fox? Well, the whole day passed without a peep from the people we've been waiting to hear from. Maybe tomorrow. April 16 I didn't have time to write yesterday. Too much going on. Word came down, finally. Steven contacted us and let us know that they'd done it. They'd found the way to take the alien bastards out. This is it, Fox. We've got the goods; we've got a way to fight back; and there's no way they can touch us now. They're done. We spent all day and night putting our plan into action, and all those sons of bitches who were involved with this are scrambling to cover their asses. Let em scramble. It's too late for them. It looks like the aliens are abandoning their plans for colonization, and their plausible deniability has gone up in flames, so to speak. With the aliens packing their shit up, they'll have no one to deal with the hybrids and clones. No way to dispose of the proof, no way to hide the truth. It's just about over. And I guess, so are we. There'll be no need for us to see each other again when this is done, and the sense of loss that just swept over me is numbing. I never meant for this to happen, Fox. I never meant for my feelings to get this deep. I don't know what to do. Maybe it would have been better if they'd killed me. No. Stupid way to think, Krycek. You're a survivor. You've gotten through a lot a bad shit over the years. This'll be a cakewalk. April 18 I'm dreaming. I've got to be fucking dreaming. I walked into your office yesterday to tell you that it was over. Ran into Scully in the hall, and she told me that you'd been officially informed about your sister. I really was sorry to hear that she was gone. I was surprised at your...I want to say indifference, but that's too strong a word. Resignation, I guess. It was so good to hear that most of those bastards had been rounded up. It was just as good to hear that a lot of them had killed themselves. And CM! That was the best news of all. I hated that son of a bitch more than I ever thought I could hate anyone. He did the world a huge favor. Then you thanked me and told me I was free to go. The look on your face. In your eyes, when you told me...I didn't know how to read it. But the words couldn't be misinterpreted. I could go. As in goodbye. See ya later. So I headed for the door, not knowing what else to do. And you stopped me. I tried so hard, Fox. I really tried not to get my hopes up. I mean, it was crazy. We were barely even friends. You complimented me on a job well done, then clammed up again. It was fucking torture. I couldn't stand it anymore. I told you to have a good life, and I opened the door. You stopped me again, and I could feel my heart pounding in my ears. When you asked me out for a beer, I had to stop myself from falling against the door. It seemed to me now as though you were stalling me, and all kinds of outrageous reasons why you might do that ran through my head. I accepted your invitation, and we went out. The bar was crowded. Noisy. Stunk like cigarette smoke and stale beer. No place for a well-dressed FBI agent. But somehow, you managed to look right at home. You threw your coat off and slouched down into the booth, resting your head back against the cushion. I watched your eyes slip shut and realized how tired you must have been. That crack on the head combined with too-long hours and all the excitement really had taken a lot out of you. I told you that you really should be home resting, but you insisted that you were fine. You opened your eyes and looked over at me. I could feel a sweat break out over my top lip, but I couldn't turn away. You stared at me, your eyes looking for answers to questions you hadn't yet asked, and I tried not to let you see too much. I shook off the fog that I'd been lingering in and focused on your moving lips. You asked me what I was going to do now that it was over. I gave you no definitive answer because I had none. I could have told you what I wanted to do, but I didn't think that would have gone over too big. The waitress came over, and you ordered two beers, then turned your attention right back on me. I wondered if you always stared at people so intently. It was sort of unnerving. Then out of the blue, you asked me if I had any family. Someone to go home to. And I felt this huge lump form in my throat. I gave you the only answer I could, and forced my eyes away, trying my best to look nonchalant as I glanced around the bar. To my relief, you didn't push the issue. The waitress came and placed two bottles and two frosted mugs in front of us. You ignored the mug, and I smiled to myself, wondering if you would have done so had it not been me you were with. You raised your bottle, and I lifted mine, clinking the necks together. I know I'm nuts, but that little action sent a surge through my whole body. It just seemed so intimate, which was crazy, because people toast all the time. They don't even need a reason. Somehow, the presence of alcohol just seems to require a toast, but still...it was somehow different. You took a sip and set your bottle down. I held onto mine, picking at the label, grateful for something to do with my hands. I cleared my throat, but I ended up sounding like a frog anyway when I asked you what you were going to do. It was a dumb question, but it just tumbled out. You smirked at me and said, "I'm going to Disneyland," and we both laughed. But the laughter faded, and we were left in silence for a little while again before you blurted out that Scully had done a one-eighty concerning me. You said she actually thought that I might be redeemable after all. I wanted to ask you what your thoughts on that subject were, but I didn't have the guts to hear it. That's something new. Alex Krycek. Afraid. And it wasn't like you had a gun pointed at my head or anything, it was just words, for God's sake. Yet I was afraid to hear them. I was terrified to know what you really thought, so I left it alone. We nursed our beers for the next half hour, making small talk in between the long silences. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. As much as I knew it was going to kill me to walk out of that place, I had to. The agony of knowing that sooner or later, we were going to go our separate ways was just too much. I thought if I was the one to end it, then somehow it wouldn't hurt so much. So I took a deep breath, drained my bottle, then announced that it was time to go. You didn't argue, and you didn't try to stall, which, I have to say, made my heart sink like a brick. You paid the tab, and we walked out together. We reached your car first, and just kind of stood there, watching people go in and out of the bar. After a while you turned and looked at me. I felt you more than saw you. I couldn't bring myself to look, knowing that it would be the last time I ever saw those incredible eyes. So, still glancing around the parking lot, I thanked you for the beer. You thanked me again for my help and out of the corner of my eye, I could see that you were holding your hand out. I forced myself to take it, and the touch was electric. I couldn't help it, I looked at you and everything stopped. The noise around us, the people...my heart. I made a weak attempt to pull my hand away, but you held on to it. Your thumb stroked over my skin, and my heart started again. Only it was beating five times faster than normal. Your eyes, Jesus, Fox, your eyes...they were burning a hole straight through me. My head was spinning, and it hurt, and I didn't know how much longer my legs would hold me up. You raised our hands, just about to the level of our chins and laced our fingers together. You stared at them for the longest time and I wanted to scream. When your eyes came back to mine, they were clear and sparkling and so completely readable. Before I could respond, your arms were around me, and we were up against your car, kissing with a fierceness that shook me to the ends of my hair. Everything I've ever wanted in my life was in that kiss, and if it had ended right there, I could never ask for anything else, ever. I thought if I could just somehow suspend that moment. Stretch it out and make it last forever, but...you pulled away. You didn't say anything, but there was so much in your eyes. Surprise, uncertainty, an apology...a little fear... I don't think I ever would have initiated that kiss, Fox, but since you started it, I was going to finish it. I yanked you back against me and took your mouth again, with the same wild desperation that you had taken mine. You melted into it without a struggle, and that was it. We were both hopelessly lost. After God knows how long, you pulled away just far enough to whisper against my lips, and I'll never forget how your words vibrated through my whole body when you said, "Come home with me." I nodded and pulled you in for another kiss before going to my car. I still don't know how my legs were able to hold me up long enough to take me the roughly, forty feet from your car to mine. I got behind the wheel and expected to wake up from what I was sure was a dream, as soon as I started the engine, but damn if I didn't. I pulled out and followed you to your apartment. It was only about ten minutes away, but it seemed like all of three hours. I wondered as I drove if that ten minutes would be enough time for you to come to your senses and tell me to get the hell away from you and for me to not ever let you see my face again. But when I pulled up behind your car, you were there, leaning against your driver's side door, waiting for me. I fell in beside you, and we walked in silence to the elevator. We stood side by side, just barely touching as we waited for the doors to open. The minute they did, we stepped inside, and before they could fully close, you threw me against the wall, and we were at it again. Jesus, Fox, I was so goddamn hard, it hurt. The door opened, and you dragged me down the hall to your door. You stood there fumbling with your keys, cursed when you dropped them not once, but twice, then I went and made things worse by pressing myself against you from behind and reaching around to the front to rub your cock through your pants. You fell forward against the door and stood there, helpless and moaning while I teased you. I undid your pants and slipped my hand inside the slit of your underwear. Your cock was so hot and velvety smooth. I couldn't wait. I spun you around and dropped to my knees right there in the hall and took you into my mouth. I don't know how the neighbors didn't hear you. Maybe at some future point...if I'm lucky enough to have future nights with you, that would be an exciting little adventure, but for last night, I wanted you to myself. No audiences, just us. Plus, my cock was about ready to rip a hole through my pants, so I thought it might be time to move the party inside. I let you go and got to my feet. Damn, Fox, you were beautiful. Your eyes were almost closed, but the little bit of color that I could see was a deep, sparkling gold, and that mouth...I've never seen a more kissable mouth. Your breaths were coming soft and shallow, and they were mixed with the tiniest traces of a whimper. God, I couldn't wait to see you while I was fucking you. I held out my hand, and you dropped the keys into it. I forced myself to concentrate on getting us inside the apartment, and not on the feel of your hands wandering all over me as I tried to get the damn key in the lock. Finally, the lock gave, and I threw the door open, pulling you inside after me. You kicked it shut, and as I was throwing my jacket onto the chair, you came up behind me and wrapped your arms around my chest. You pushed against my ass and moaned. You said you liked the feel of the denim rubbing against your cock. I turned around to find that you had pushed your pants and underwear down far enough to completely free your cock and balls. I cupped your balls and licked your mouth until you started to lick back and beg for more. I finished undressing you, then myself. We stood for the longest time, just looking at each other. When that wasn't enough anymore, we began to touch. Gently at first, exploring and getting to know each other's bodies. Then rougher and more demanding, squeezing and growling and biting. I always knew that there was a little animal in me but never knew exactly how much until last night. And you. I'd always wondered. Fantasized about you, but still, you surprised me. Somehow we made it to your bedroom, and I pushed you onto your back and fell on top of you. The feel of our cocks rubbing together almost made me come right then and there. I had to shift a bit to reduce contact, which didn't exactly please you, and you let me know. I just had a look at that bite mark on my shoulder. It's turning purple now and I'll bet it's going to be with me for at least two weeks. It's okay. In fact, I like it. Even if tomorrow you come to your senses, I'll have proof for a little while at least, that for one night, we belonged to each other. Anyway, I figured I should return the favor. You know, what's good for the goose, and all that. I pinned you down and inflicted an equally severe mark just above your left pec, and you just about went crazy. I remember a thought flashing through my head as you were cursing and groaning. I was thinking I hoped that your walls weren't too thin, or your neighbors were really going to be in for a show. Not that I particularly cared, but I'm not the one who has to live there, you know? I slid down your chest, licking and kissing all the way to your nipples. They were so hard, Fox, like little brown pebbles. I couldn't resist. I sucked one into my mouth and flicked at it with the tip of my tongue. Do you know how vocal you are? It really surprised me. I'll bet you could make me come just by whimpering like that in my ear. Those sounds are so fucking erotic. Like everything else about you. I moved to your other nipple and lashed all around it with my tongue, while I pinched and pulled at the other one. Your body practically leapt off the bed, and you plunged both hands in my hair. I don't think you realized just how hard you were pulling on it, and actually, neither did I at the time. But I'll tell you, Fox, my scalp is pretty damn sore today. I moved lower, nipping and licking my way down toward your cock. By the way, the taste of your skin is now permanently ingrained in my memory. Where was I? I finally made it down to your cock and lightly teased the head with the tip of my tongue. You arched again, trying to push yourself into my mouth, but I pulled back. Each one of those damned gasps and whimpers was like a long, hard suck on my cock, and I seriously considered gagging you in the simple interest of prolonging the evening. Instead, I just pulled myself up beside you and kissed you into silence. Well...near silence. When I broke the kiss, you started to squirm and complain and tried to pull me back down, but I wouldn't let you. I stroked a hand up and down your chest, trying to soothe you at least a little. Your breathing did even out a little bit, and I felt your muscles loosen and relax. Of course, I didn't want you so relaxed that you fell asleep on me, so I accidentally let my hand slip a little lower and brush the length of your cock. You grunted and your hips jerked upward, looking for more, but I distracted you with another kiss. Your mouth opened for me, and I plunged inside. So many different tastes and textures, it was overwhelming. I know I'll remember them all. We lay there together, exploring each other's mouths, licking and tasting and slowly driving each other crazy. You started to get restless and your hands began to move through my hair, up and down my back, then over my ass. Your fingers dug in, squeezing hard, and you pulled me tightly against you. I let you rub against me for a little while, only as long as I could take it, then I pulled away and rolled onto my side. I took your hand and pressed it to my chest, so you could feel the pounding and know what it was you were doing to me. You gave me a tiny smile and pushed me onto my back. Your hand moved, starting out slow and gentle, barely skimming my chest and stomach. You brushed your fingertips across my nipples until they were as hard as yours, and I started to squirm, then you covered one with your mouth and dragged your tongue over it. Damn, Fox, it felt so good. As you switched from one nipple to the other, one hand made its way down to my cock. Your fingers wrapped around it carefully, almost as though you were afraid you might hurt me. Your hand was every bit as gentle as your tongue and I shivered, making sounds that I'd never made before in my life. Don't know why I was surprised, it wasn't as if anyone had ever taken the time to please me before. It was always either fast, impersonal and unfulfilling, or completely one-sided. Part of the job. Last night, for the first time, I felt human. Wanted. You lifted your head and our eyes met while you continued to stroke me. You kissed me once, then slid down my body, licking and kissing all the way. I felt your lips brush my cock, and I was gone. That first touch of your tongue confirmed it. I was all yours, never ever to belong to anyone else. Not that I had any such desire. You scraped your teeth lightly over the head, then swirled your tongue around it before sucking half of my length into your mouth. I gritted my teeth and fought to keep from bucking my hips. I didn't know if you could take it all, and I didn't want to scare you off. So, you might imagine how you shocked the shit out of me, when you withdrew, teased the tip for a second, then sank back down, right to the base. What a fucking unbelievable feeling. There I was. Flat on my back. Naked. Being sucked into near unconsciousness by Fox Mulder. This was like, every outrageous fantasy I'd ever had come true. All of a sudden, the sensation was gone. You pulled away and drew yourself back up to face me. You kissed me, and the taste of myself in your mouth drove me nuts. I threw you onto your back and got on my knees between your legs. I pulled you forward, lifting you up against my thighs, then shoved a finger into your mouth. You sucked it with the same hunger that you had my cock, then I pulled it out, and spread your ass. I worked it in slowly, enjoying every moan, every last little grimace. When I had it all the way in, you started to move against my hand, doing that damn whimpering thing again, and whispering things I couldn't really understand. When I added another finger, the words became clearer. "Fuck me. Oh God, Alex, please fuck me." That's what you said, and I nearly died. I asked you if you had any lube around, and you directed me to the first drawer in your dresser. It was practically unused, and I couldn't help but wonder when the last time was that you'd gotten any. No matter. Could have been yesterday. I was determined to make you forget it. I wanted to make you forget anyone you'd ever been with. Stupid. Impossible maybe, but I want you to know only me, Fox. Just me. I slicked myself up, then pulled you back into position. Our eyes locked and held as I carefully guided the head of my cock into your ass. You were so hot and tight. Just like I knew you would be. I pushed in, a little bit at a time, never taking my eyes off of your face. I had to stop twice to pull myself together. We'd gotten that far, there was no way in hell I was going to end it right there. When I was all the way in, I stopped again, giving us both a chance to calm down and get used to each other. I managed to string a few words together and asked you if you were okay, and all you did was nod, but there was this look, this dreamy sort of look in your eye, that told me that you were probably a little bit more than okay. I started to move again, and it wasn't too long before that dreamy look turned wild and you started growling at me, demanding more. I moved faster and just a little harder, and still you weren't satisfied. It only seemed to agitate you more. You alternated between growls and whines, pushing against me and digging your fingers into my back. I couldn't stand it. I wanted to take it easy on you, I'd really intended to, but that wasn't what you wanted or needed from me. So I chucked restraint out the window and did you the way I sometimes fantasized I would. I grabbed you by the hair and pulled your head back into the pillow until you couldn't move, and then I slammed into you with as much strength as I could muster. It was surreal, Fox. I mean, I could hear every cry, even though after a while, I wasn't sure which sound came from who, and I could feel every jolt that passed through me with every thrust, but it seemed like I was above it all, watching us. Does that make sense? Probably not, but it's the only way I can describe it. I continued to fuck you as hard as I could, but refused to touch your cock, and it was driving you insane. Just what I wanted. Your impatience got the better of you, and you reached down between us, but I slapped your hand away...frustrated Fox is a pretty, pretty thing to see, you know that? God, there are so many more ways I can think of to frustrate you. I hope I get to try them all. You cursed and swore at me in one breath, then begged and pleaded in the next. Made no difference, because it all just sort of jumbled into a mass of unintelligible nothing, when I came. Jesus Christ, I came. You know what, that's not even a strong enough word for what happened to me. Detonated, maybe. Blew apart at the seams. And I couldn't stop fucking you. Even after I'd emptied every drop into you, I couldn't stop until my arms got too weak to hold me up. I pulled out of you and dropped down beside you, trying to catch my breath, but the way you looked at me...that expression went way beyond simple frustration. It took me a second to figure it out, and by the time I did, you were turning onto your side and your hand was moving down to your cock. I know it's stupid, but I was hurt that you would think that I would leave you like that. But hey, why wouldn't you think it? This is me we're talking about here, right? Yet, it really, really bothered me. I grabbed your arm and rolled you onto your back, then you mumbled something like, well, if it made me happy to watch you humiliate yourself, then fine, and you started to jerk off. I slapped your hand away again, then got out of bed and stormed out of the room. When I came back, you were on your side again, this time facing away from the door, but you weren't touching yourself. You just lay there, quiet. I came back to the bed and rolled you over again. I straddled your waist. You seemed surprised that I was back and that irritated me, too. I leaned down and kissed you long and hard, and when I released you, you were panting again. I raised your hands above your head and cuffed you to the post. I kneeled there over you, waiting. You looked up at me a little wide-eyed, but you didn't protest, and I felt better. It takes some degree of trust to allow a person to restrain you with your own handcuffs, in your own bed. I need that trust from you, baby. I can't believe how much I need it. I bent over and kissed you again. Your mouth, your chin. I kissed my way down your throat and up and over to your shoulder. You flinched and I could hear the sharp gasp as I sank my teeth into the muscle. Then I sucked at it, leaving a second mark on you. I pulled back a little to look at you and there was that beautiful, cloudy expression again in your eyes. I stretched out and settled myself on top of you. For the longest time I just lay there, enjoying the feel of you under me...your cock so hard against my thigh. I came in for another kiss. Slow. Soft. You've got the most amazing mouth, do you realize that? No. You don't. You have no idea how fucking irresistible those lips are. We kissed endlessly, it seemed, with a tenderness I had no idea I'd possessed. Our tongues stroked and explored each other's mouths, and I traced the line of your lips over and over again until I was sure that I would know them blindfolded. You strained against the cuffs, whimpering against my mouth. The impatience was beginning to build again, but I wasn't ready to end it, yet. I had no idea if I'd ever get this close to you again. I knew that once you came and the cloud of lust was lifted, you might push me away forever. I wanted as much as I could take from you last night, and I wasn't going to stop until I'd gotten it. I kissed you one last time, then brought my fingers up to where my tongue had been. I skimmed your lips gently, then your cheek. My fingers moved down past your chin and you arched your neck, offering me your throat. I started at the base and licked all the way up to the underside of your chin and back down, stopping halfway to mark you a third time. I heard you gasp and whisper my name, but I continued downward, teasing you with my hands and my tongue, stopping at your nipples. I lapped at one, while I gently rolled the other between my fingers. Your head tossed back and forth on the pillow and this low-pitched rumble began in your chest. Your hips kept jerking upward, but I purposely avoided contact, and the begging started again. I think the only sound that I'd like to hear as much as you begging me to fuck you, is me begging you for the same thing. I left your chest and slid down, teasing your navel, then sliding my tongue through the hair surrounding your cock. You bucked and strained, trying hard to get me to touch it, but that wasn't in my plans just yet. I moved to your thighs, running my tongue along the crease, where they joined your body, then to the insides, marking each one. I couldn't see your face, but from the sound of your moans, your teeth were clenched tightly, and you were holding on by a thread. I moved carefully, knowing that a wrong touch at this point could take you past the point of no return. My own cock had come back to life and was also begging me to bring this little torture session to a close, but my head kept screaming, "No. Don't do it. It feels so good, and it'll never happen again," but when my tongue touched your balls and that scream ripped from your throat, I couldn't do it anymore. To either of us. I moved back over you and pulled you against me. You were so wild, pulling and straining against the cuffs, snarling your impatience. I positioned my cock and rammed into you with one thrust, and our world went to pieces. I wrapped one hand around your cock and jerked you brutally, while I fucked you with all my strength. You screamed curses into the air, pleading with me not to stop, and then it hit you, and you were grunting and sobbing as you came all over my hand and your stomach. I came seconds later, the sound of your screams still ringing in my ears, drowning out my own. I collapsed on top of you, luxuriating for a while, in the feel of our sweat-soaked bodies, sliding against each other. But as we began to dry, you started to shiver, and I rolled off of you, released you from the cuffs, and flipped the blanket up over us. You curled into my side and rested your head against my shoulder and fell into a deep sleep, and I lay there, awake and more satisfied than I'd ever been in my life, and at the same time, so goddamn sad. I wanted to cry, and I probably would have, if I didn't think you'd wake up. I couldn't give you up. Not after tonight, not after this. But what was I going to do if in the morning you told me to get lost? How could I handle that? I remember seeing your clock change to three-fourteen, before I finally fell asleep. Then I was opening my eyes, and it was morning. I'd only gotten about three and a half hours, and I probably could have closed my eyes and gone back to sleep, but the feeling that I was being watched grabbed my attention. I turned my head to the side, and there you were. Your head was resting on your upstretched arm, and you were staring at me. I waited for you to say something, but you just kept staring. I couldn't take it anymore. I closed my eyes and turned my face away. A few seconds later, I felt your hand on my cheek, turning me back to face you. You whispered my name, and I opened my eyes. You paused for a second, then you asked me if it was a mistake. If it was maybe just us venting after all the shit we'd been through. How the hell could I answer that? I mean, I knew the way I wanted to answer it, but should I? I had to. I had to tell you the truth, no matter what your answer to your own question would be. I told you that it was no mistake on my part; it had nothing to do with the pressure we were under, or anything else like that. I wanted you. Plain and simple. Well, maybe not so simple. Much as hearing your answer scared me, I asked anyway. What about you? Had you any regrets? You answered by sliding your hand around to the back of my head and pulling me toward you. You kissed me...gently at first, but then with more insistence. And more, until I was squirming and rubbing myself against your thigh. You pulled away and smiled, then you swung a leg over my hip and slid up on top of me. You were hard already, as hard as I was, and God, it felt so good when you reached between us and squeezed our cocks together. It wasn't over. Last night wasn't the beginning and the end. I don't know if I can ever express to you, Fox, the joy I felt. You must have seen it in my face, though, because you gave me this grin that turned me to jelly, and before I could take a breath, you were kissing me again, still stroking our cocks together. I was ready in no time flat. A couple more strokes, and I would have been all done, but you knew that, and you stopped. It was my turn to beg, but unlike me, you had no intention of prolonging the torture. You needed me as badly as I needed you, and you had no intention of tormenting either of us. You reached for the lube on the nightstand and quickly applied some to your cock, and when you were ready, you inched slowly into me. Jesus, it was like heaven. I'd thought about you fucking me so many times. More times than I can count, but damn, the feel of you inside me was more than I'd ever imagined. I clung to you, pleading for you to move. To do me the way I needed you to. I wanted you to make me feel you for weeks after you were through, and you did your best to give me what I wanted. You wrapped your hand around my cock and began to jerk me off as you drove into me, faster and harder with every thrust. It was coming. I could feel it, like a storm rolling in, and nothing could stop it. When it hit me, my body tightened around you and my screams sounded like something made by an animal, or so you told me, later. You kept pounding into me, then a few seconds later, cried out my name, and slumped on top of me. I felt your cock slip out of me, and while I was mourning the loss, you snuggled against my chest, kissing and licking the sweat away. I wrapped my arms around you and kissed the top of your head. God, I was smiling like an idiot. I'd never been so happy, Fox. Never. We lay like that for quite a while, in fact I even fell asleep for about an hour. When I woke up, you were still there in my arms, lightly licking my collarbone. I laughed and asked you what the hell you were doing, and you just said that you loved how I tasted. I felt my cock twitch when you said that but managed to shake it off. You asked me what I was going to do today, and I gave you some bullshit about my laundry piling up and some other mundane domestic crap. I don't know why I said it. Truth was, all I wanted to do was stay there in bed with you, but that's not very realistic, is it? You nodded and asked me if you'd see me later. My heart jumped into my throat, but I tried to keep cool when I said sure. We finally got out of bed, showered together, which was an experience in itself, managed to keep from attacking each other, then got dressed. We had a light breakfast, then I left after we stood in the doorway kissing for at least twenty minutes. And now, here I sit, clothes all washed and put away, waiting. Just waiting. For what, I don't know. I want to be with you, but I just think I should wait a while. I don't want you to think I'm some kind of nut, who suddenly can't live without you for more than a few hours. I think I'll sit here, dying for another hour or so, before I call you. April 19 It was an early night, last night. You hadn't been to work at all yesterday, so you had to at least put in an appearance today. I showed up at your apartment at around six-thirty and, after about an hour of crawling all over each other, we decided to take a break from all the teasing and eat. We ordered in and ate like there was no tomorrow. Neither of us had really realized how little sleep or food we'd had till now. We finished eating, then snuggled together on the couch, watching t.v. for a little while. Christ, it was so....domestic. It shocked me that I loved it so much. I couldn't think of anything I'd rather be doing. Well, except for...you know. You seemed to read my mind, because your hands began to wander over my chest and arms and your lips moved through my hair, then down to my ear. After teasing the inside for a few seconds, you asked if I'd planned on staying. I didn't quite know how to answer that. I wanted to, but again, I didn't want to push it. Fortunately, you didn't wait for an answer. You tilted my face up and laid a long kiss on me, then whispered against my mouth, "Please stay with me." You pushed me away from your chest, then got up and held your hand out to me. I took it, and we went in to bed. We sucked each other dry, then fell asleep together and didn't wake up until your alarm went off at five. We went for a run together, came back, did it in the shower, ate, and you went off to work, and I came back here. You called me a little while ago and asked me to meet you and the others at Jimmy's Pub after you got out of work. Today is Friday, and they figured a celebration was in order. Sure, what the hell? Keeping my hands off of you in front of them is going to be tough, but I'll live through it, somehow. That sentence brings up a whole lot of questions, Fox. Questions I wonder if you've given any thought to. What about your friends? Are we going to keep this from them? Even if we want to, will we be able to? For the sake of peace with Scully and the security of your job, I guess we should. Hell, maybe I'm jumping the gun, anyway. A couple of nights together does not a relationship make. Maybe there'll be nothing to tell. I can't really believe that, but I'm trying hard not to get my hopes up too high. That's damn hard though, considering how we've been with each other the past couple of days. I don't know. I guess we'll just wait and play it by ear. April 21 Interesting evening. I walked in and you were there, already. Everybody was. The glare I got from Skinner wasn't exactly welcoming, and I just got the overall feeling that I wasn't exactly expected. My suspicions were confirmed when Scully voiced her surprise. She wasn't mad or anything, she just said that she thought that maybe I'd already moved on, then she turned to you and asked how come you hadn't told her that I was still around. You just shrugged and moved over to make room for me to sit. I did, and our legs bumped together. I held my leg in place, feeling the warmth and wanting so much to slide my hand up your thigh. Instead, I decided to have a little fun with your friends. I couldn't resist making trouble. I looked Skinner in the eye and asked if he wasn't glad to see me. "Thrilled," I believe was his answer, and I told him that I knew he'd miss me if I was gone. I could see you rolling your eyes, and I smirked to myself, pressing my thigh a little tighter against yours. I turned to Frohike and Langly, gave them an evil grin and asked them if they were glad to see me. I almost felt sorry for them. They practically fell over themselves trying to come up with an answer that would keep me from killing them. Skinner asked when I was planning on leaving, if you could really call it a question. Sounded more like a statement. A threat. God, I wanted to shoot him. Instead, I gave him another brilliant smile and said that actually, I'd grown rather fond of DC and thought I'd hang around. Blunt as he is, he came right to the point and asked why. There was nothing here for me, why not start a new life somewhere else? I shrugged and asked him what was so wrong with settling here? He leaned back and studied me for a little bit, then he asked what I was doing there at the pub; after all, your group didn't seem like the type of people I'd normally hang around with. Before I could answer, you jumped in, reminding him that if it weren't for me, none of you would be there, celebrating. I had every right to be there and frankly, you were surprised at everyone's reaction to my appearance. I'm a people watcher, Fox. Quite often, my life depended on reading thoughts and intentions. I watched their faces as you defended me. Confusion registered on all of them, to different degrees. Blatant irritation radiated from Skinner, nothing but total confusion from the geeks, and some mild suspicion from your partner. The table fell silent for a little while, then Scully chirped up, involving Skinner and the Gunmen in conversation, while you and I sat quietly. I couldn't touch you, we were all too close together and someone might notice, but God, how I wanted to. Being that close to you and not being able to kiss you was driving me crazy. The waitress came over with the drinks you all had already ordered but noticed that I was a new arrival. I looked up at her, and she turned a hundred and fifty watt smile on me and asked what I'd like to drink. I smiled back, only to be polite, and asked for a beer. Apparently, she took it as some kind of encouragement though and leaned over, giving me and the rest of the table a pretty good look down her blouse. She said it was kind of loud in there and then proceeded to read off the beer list in my ear. I ordered a Corona, and before she straightened up, she decided to let me know that she found leather and earrings tremendously sexy...on the right man, of course. I said nothing, only grinned at her, and she slinked away, wiggling her ass. I laughed to myself and turned my attention back to the table, where I found everything pretty much as I left it, with one exception. The tension I felt coming from you was incredible. You had your eyes turned down toward your beer, and you were picking at the label, dropping the pieces into a pile beside the bottle. It took me a second to realize what was wrong. You were jealous! I couldn't understand why you would be; I mean, in my mind, you had absolutely no need to be. You were all I wanted, and I couldn't believe that you didn't know it, too. I thought about it some more, then I was flattered. You were jealous. A thoroughly possessive emotion. You thought of me as yours, and it pissed you off to think that I might be interested in anyone else. I was still processing this new information when the waitress returned and set my beer down in front of me. She said something like, "Here you go, gorgeous," and made sure she brushed my hand before turning and walking away. This time, Byers noticed. He raised his eyebrows at me and nodded. He said that it looked like I wouldn't be going home alone tonight, if I didn't want to. I just smiled and shook my head. Then your voice reached me. That soft, flat, seemingly emotionless tone. You said, "Why not, Krycek? She wants you bad. You could be in for a wild night." Scully picked up on you and just sat there, staring, not knowing what the hell to make of what you'd just said and how you'd said it. You were so immersed in whatever it was you were feeling that you didn't even notice her looking at you. But I did, and as much as I wanted to reassure you, that would only feed her suspicion. So, I went along with it, and said something like, "I think you're right, Mulder. I'll be sure to tell you all about it." You seemed to sink deeper into your mood after that, but I did the best I could, covering it. God, I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there and get you home. You were quiet for the rest of the night, talking only when someone said something to you. Fortunately, the others were so involved in conversation that they didn't really pick up on your mood. Only Scully and I knew that you were sulking. Difference was, I knew why. When the party finally broke up and everyone was leaving, the waitress stopped me and pressed a piece of paper into my hand. I didn't want it, but I was being watched. So I accepted it and smiled at her. You had been behind me, but when you saw me take the paper, you brushed past me and walked out the door. By the time I got outside, you were getting in your car. I couldn't go to you, Scully was still watching. I smiled at her, waved goodnight, and got into my car. I drove out of the parking lot and turned in the opposite direction from which you had gone. I circled back and headed toward your apartment. By the time I got there, I figured you'd already been home for a good fifteen minutes or so. I came up and tried the door. Locked. I didn't bother to knock or ring the bell. I wasn't so sure you'd answer. I reverted to old ways and picked the lock, letting myself in. I found you by your desk, in the dark, staring out the window. I called your name and you blinked, as if you were just coming out of a trance. You seemed genuinely surprised to see me there. I walked toward you and stopped when your desk was the only thing between us. I remember word for word what we said to each other... Me: "Did you really think that I was interested in that woman?" You: "You seemed to be." Me: "Fox, I had to make it look that way. Everybody was there..." You: "She was very attractive." Me: "Yeah. So?" You: "You could have had her." Me: "I don't want her. I want you." You: "Uh huh. That's why you took her number." Me: "Scully was right there, for Christ's sake! What was I supposed to do? She's already suspicious, in case you hadn't realized it." You: "Why do you say that?" Me: "How the hell could you not notice? Oh yeah, you were too busy being stupid." You: "Fuck you." Me: "I never should have gone to that stupid bar. I should have known it'd be nothing but trouble." You: "Yeah. Sorry, I was too stupid to realize it was a bad idea." Me: "Is that all you think was a bad idea?" You: "What are you talking about?" Me: "You know what I mean. Do you want me to leave?" You: "Doesn't matter what I want. If you don't want the same thing, there's no point." Me: "You have no idea what I want. I thought you did, but you don't." You: "Tell me, Alex. Clue me in." Me, getting more irritated by the minute: "I'm here. That doesn't tell you anything?" You went quiet, looking down at the desk. I remember cursing under my breath and coming around to stand in front of you. I grabbed you by the front of your shirt and jerked you toward me, right into a violent kiss that left us both panting and gasping for air. I released you, and we practically tore each other's clothes off. You cleared your desk and bent me over it. You took me without any preparation, and though there was some initial pain, that soon dissipated, and all that was left was mind-shattering pleasure. I raised my ass a little bit, giving you the angle for deeper penetration, and you took full advantage of it, hitting my prostate now on every stroke. Even though the sensation was fantastic, I needed you to stroke my cock, so I could come with you. But you were drowning in your own pleasure at the moment, and nothing else could get through to you. You came, groaning into the back of my neck, then dragged yourself off of me and pulled me up and toward the bedroom. We fell onto the bed and you turned your back to me, grinding your ass against my cock. I kissed the back of your head and turned toward the nightstand. "No." I turned back to you and asked what you meant by no. You said you wanted it just like you'd given it me. Hard and fast. No lube. You wanted to feel me. You begged me to make you feel it, and I did. You whimpered and sobbed as I drove into you, but you wouldn't let me stop, pleaded with me not to, until I came. Didn't take long. My orgasm hit me in one blinding flash that left my throat sore and my body incredibly weak. You moved, and we both moaned softly as I slipped out of you. You turned around and pulled me into your arms. You kissed my forehead and my hair and said that you were sorry for what had happened. You said you had no business being jealous; after all, we'd had no understanding between us about other people. I looked up at you and said, no that's right, we didn't. And I asked you if we could talk about that. Not in the morning, but right then and there. I wanted clarification of the boundaries of our relationship, and I wanted it now. We sat up, propped against the pillows and began to talk. I laid it all out to you. I had to, if I was going to have any peace. I told you how long I'd been attracted to you and that since we'd been working together, that attraction had grown into something I never dreamed it would. I told you that I realized that it was probably way too soon to be saying such things, but I wanted it to be just you and me. No one else. You looked at me so long I was beginning to worry. Then, you said that you were glad I felt that way. Surprised, but very glad, because ever since the morning after our first night together, you'd been thinking the same thing. That's why you were so upset about the waitress. You said that you knew you probably shouldn't be thinking of me as yours, but you couldn't help it. And if we'd stayed in that bar just ten minutes longer, everybody at our table would have found out exactly how you felt. God, Fox, I was so happy, I could have cried. I turned into your chest and wrapped my arms around you. Your arms came around me, and you stroked my back and kissed the top of my head. You apologized again for being such an idiot, and I told you not to worry about it. If the situations were reversed, I probably would have reacted a lot worse than you did. The truth is, I'd actually given that scenario some thought earlier at the bar while you were pouting, and the thought of someone, be it man or woman, trying to get a piece of my Fox just went up one side of me and down the other. Jeez, if just the thought of it made me that angry, I can imagine how you felt as it was happening to you. Anyway, it seemed that it was settled. We were exclusive. I know that by all accounts that may seem crazy. Look at our history. Not very pretty. And we've been together now for what? Three days? But my feelings for you, Fox, are so strong. And from what you've told me, you feel pretty much the same. I want to be with you every minute of every day and night. I know that sounds juvenile and maybe just a little bit nutty, but it's how I feel. I know that the end of this mess isn't the end of the X-files. You've still got a job to do. And it takes you away a lot, I know that too. But knowing that it's me you're going to come back to gives me such a feeling of warmth and security. I've never had that. It's overwhelming but only in the best sort of way. You leaned to the left, and I leaned to the right, resting our heads together. We laced our fingers, and we talked some more. You asked me what my real name was, and I started to laugh. When I finished, I asked you what made you think that Alex Krycek wasn't my real name. You just shrugged and said that you figured in my line of work, it might be an alias. You were surprised to find out that it wasn't. Of course, technically, I told you that Alex was short for Alexei. You told me that you were glad that my name wasn't like, Marvin or Lester or something geeky like that. You'd gotten used to addressing me as Alex, (we won't talk about the other things you've called me over the years, sweet Fox) and thought that it fit me well. Masculine. You kissed my eyebrow. Sexy. I rubbed my head against yours, then turned to lick the line of your jaw. You taste so good, baby. Especially after we've worked up a good sweat. I love that salty tang. I could have licked every inch of you. Some Saturday night when we've got nothing but time, I may do just that. I brought the subject of your partner up, asking you what you planned to do about Scully. You said you had no idea what to do and asked me if I thought you really needed to do anything at all. I thought you did. She was seriously suspicious after watching us at the bar, and I thought it was better that you tell her, than have her draw her own conclusions. You thought about it for a few seconds, then agreed. But you insisted that we both tell her. Great. We'll die together. So romantic. We made love again, this time, slowly, teasing each other unmercifully, and finally ending it with a long, sweet fuck. God, you were amazing. I don't know how the hell you kept it together for that long, but damn, you drove me insane. I've never screamed so much in all my life as I have these past few days. We fell asleep wrapped around each other, and when I woke up in the morning, it was in the warmth of your arms. God, how did my life get so good? You were already awake and very involved in nuzzling my hair and stroking my back. Felt so good. I must have made some sort of sound because you stopped and tipped my head up. You smiled down at me, and my insides turned to mush. You're beautiful in the morning, did you know that? Your hair all over the place, those sleepy eyes...your mouth all soft and swollen...and when you say good morning. Your voice is all raspy and deeper than normal. What a turn-on. Hell, Fox, I'm finding myself perpetually turned on by you. You could sneeze, and I'd be ready to jump you. I wonder if this is normal. I wonder if this deep, consuming lust we have for each other will last, or if we'll settle into that comfort zone that so many couples do. I don't know, somehow I just don't see us going stale, but I guess time will tell. You came in for a kiss, then asked if I liked bagels. You said you were hungry and you woke up with bagels on your mind, and you were going out for some. I offered to go, but you insisted that you wanted me to stay put. You kissed me again, then got out of bed, wincing a little as you did, and headed for the bathroom. I watched you walk away, watched that ass...remembered being buried in it the night before, and was sorely tempted to join you, but you did ask me not to move, so I just fell back against the pillows and waited. Next thing I knew, you were standing over me, fully dressed, rolling up your sleeves. You reached down and skimmed the bridge of my nose with the back of one finger and told me to go back to sleep, and that you'd be back in a little while with breakfast. You started on your way out of the room, then stopped and backed up to the bed. You leaned over me and said that by the way, that waitress wasn't the only one who found leather and earrings sexy. You nuzzled my ear, then bit down on my earring and pulled. You let go, gave me a smirk, then left the apartment. I lay there for a little while, basking in unbelievable joy, then I got up. A shave could wait, but I never could eat breakfast until I'd at least showered and brushed my teeth, so I got up and did that, then got back into bed. I heard the door open a few minutes later, and waited another ten minutes or so before you came in, carrying a tray loaded with bagels and cream cheese, muffins, and two cups of coffee. You set the tray down, dropped onto the bed, and asked me if I missed you. I answered you with a long, wet kiss, then demanded that you feed me. I didn't mean it literally, Fox, but you did actually hand feed me a lemon poppy seed muffin and half of a cinnamon bagel. Halfway through the muffin, I stopped eating and refused to take another bite until you undressed and got under the sheet with me. You gave me some bullshit about at least letting you finish your breakfast first, but I wasn't having it. I folded my arms across my chest and refused to open my mouth when you offered me another bite. You laughed, dropped the muffin onto the tray, and got undressed. You slid under the sheet with me, citing my irresistible pout as the reason for your easy compliance. Hey. Whatever. As long as I had you back in bed and naked, I didn't give a damn what got you there. We finished eating, then I took the tray into the kitchen. I can't stand to have food hanging around after I've eaten. When I came back to the bedroom, you flipped the sheet back, spread your legs, and pulled me down to sit between them. I leaned back against your chest, and you flipped the sheet back over us, then wrapped your arms around me. You rubbed your cheek into my hair, and slowly moved your hand up and down my arm. It was so soothing, I found myself fighting to keep my eyes open. Just as I'd about lost the battle, the phone rang. Scared the shit out of me. You tightened one arm around my chest, and reached for the phone. It was Scully, telling you that her mother wanted her to call and invite you out to lunch with them. You politely turned her down, and though I couldn't hear what she was saying, it was obvious from your end that she wasn't giving up so easily. You finally convinced her to take no for an answer, told her to send her mother your regrets, and hung up. You wound your arm back around me, and explained that Margaret Scully was a sweet, lovely woman, who just could not understand how you and her daughter could spend so much time together, and not be romantically involved. Scully tried to get her to give it up, but she was a stubborn woman and most times, like this morning, Scully would just rather go along with her, than listen to her lecturing. She said it was just easier that way. I understood. Hey, it must be nice to have a mother fussing over you. That conversation ended, and I started another one. I asked you when it was that you first realized that you wanted this. When did you stop hating me, and start wanting me. You said you weren't exactly sure. You actually think that you hated me and wanted me at the same time. And the fact that you wanted me made you hate me even more. Sort of a vicious circle type thing. You said that you remember being attracted to me right from the beginning, though you thought it was rather perverse of you. Not because I was a man, you'd been with men before. It was the fact that I looked so much like a little boy playing dress-up in his daddy's oversized suit. You ignored me, you were insulting, you deserted me...anything to hide the attraction you felt. And when you'd found out that I'd double-crossed you, it was perfect. You said you'd found yourself breaking down a little, day by day, but now you had a damn good reason to push those thoughts away. And when you thought I'd killed your father, the rage was overwhelming. Even though there was absolutely nothing between us, you felt so betrayed, and you were really able to work up a good hate. But still, you'd find yourself thinking of me some nights. And you despised me all the more for being in your head. So every time you saw me, you'd beat the shit out of me to try to keep that hatred in place. You stopped in the middle of what you were saying and I nudged your shoulder with the back of my head and asked if you'd fallen asleep or something. You were quiet a few seconds more, then asked me why I never fought back. I probably could have killed you each one of those times, but I never even took a swing at you. You wanted to know why. I just shrugged and said that I couldn't. I'd done so much to you, and I deserved everything you dished out and more. I told you I still couldn't believe that we were together and that every time I woke up, I expected to do so alone, finding that all that's happened between us in the last few days had been a dream. When I open my eyes and you're there next to me, I say a little prayer of thanks to whoever might be listening, for giving me another day with you. I've never said stuff like this before in my life. Not to anyone. But I look at you, Fox, and I just want to tell you everything. Well. Not quite everything. There's one thing I haven't told you, and I don't know when I will, if ever. It's way, way too soon. I'd seem like a total maniac if I told you right now that I love you. I mean, it feels so right to say it to myself, but I'm deathly afraid that you'll laugh at me or worse, completely reject me. The last thing in the world I want to do is scare you away. So I'll keep it to myself for now...probably go mad in the process...and just take each day as it comes and relish every minute I have with you. Shit, I sure know how to get off track, don't I? What the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah. I pitched forward and turned to face you. I asked you if you trusted me. Really trusted me. You cocked your head and gave me this faintly amused look and said something like, if you didn't really trust me, we'd all be E.T.'s house servants by now. Yeah, okay, but that's not what I meant. That had to do with the fate of the whole world. There was so much, so many people involved in that. This was just you and me, on the most personal of levels, and I needed to know. Your smile faded, and my heart began to pound. I was so sure that you were going to tell me that you didn't know. But you surprised me again. You slipped a hand into my hair and pulled me forward. After a long kiss, you pulled back, looked me in the eye, and said that you did trust me. And I believed you. We were both a little sore from the night before, but that didn't stop us. We exercised a little restraint, and made love again, gently, then fell asleep until early afternoon. We spent the rest of the day doing nothing in particular. We talked, watched a couple of movies, ate dinner...all without ever really getting out of bed. Later last night, we killed a whole bag of cheese popcorn and a bottle of cheap wine, then I jerked off while you watched. By the time I came, you were ready to climb the walls, so I took care of you, then we fell asleep until late this morning. I'm home now. Losing my fucking mind. I thought that maybe it might be a good idea to spend tonight apart. If we're together, you're not going to get the sleep that you should, and you've got to drive out of town tomorrow. Now I'm here, writing this, cursing myself to hell and back for making the suggestion. We're big boys, right? We should have enough discipline to keep our hands off of each other and just go to sleep. Who the fuck am I kidding? I'm sitting here, with a screaming hard-on, thinking about that mouth of yours. It should be illegal to have a mouth that goddamn beautiful. If I close my eyes and concentrate, I can almost feel it wrapped around my cock. Ah, shit. Somebody's at the door. Who the hell would be at my door at almost midnight? April 22 I'm not looking in a mirror, but I know I've got the stupidest grin on my face. I couldn't believe it when I looked through the peep hole last night and saw you standing there. I secured my gun and threw the door open. You stood there, looking sort of unsure when I stared at you and said nothing. Finally, you found your voice and told me that you couldn't sleep. You'd tried for two hours, and your eyes just wouldn't stay closed. I stepped aside and you took a few steps beyond the door. You looked down and saw the gun dangling in my hand. You gave me a weak smile and said, "If you want me to go, just say so." I set the gun down and turned back to you. I asked you why you'd come, and you stood quietly a minute, then said that you'd decided that my idea to sleep apart stunk, and you came over to tell me so. I had to smile at that, and I told you that I had just been thinking the same thing. You took a few more steps forward and stopped just a couple of inches from me. That mouth. God, that mouth. It was so close. You stared directly into my eyes and said that you missed me. That was it. I yanked you against me and practically devoured those lips. It took you a second to respond, but when you did, holy shit. We never even made it to the bedroom. Hell, the couch was only a few feet away, and we missed that too. We hit the floor, ripping each other's clothes off. Before you tossed your pants, you dug into the pocket and pulled out a small tube. I had to laugh. I'm glad you were prepared though, because there was no way in hell that I was going to take the time to go get my lube, and since I was still a bit sore from the other night, and I bet you were too, it really wouldn't be a good idea not to use some. You attacked me like an animal. I just about had time to catch what was left of my breath, and you were on me, biting and sucking, doing that growling thing. Not that I'm complaining. God knows I'm not complaining. Damn, Fox, you sure know how to make me crazy. Your mouth was everywhere at once, it seemed, kissing my shoulder, sucking my nipples, biting at my hip. I fought to hold still. I was so sure that my cock was next, and I was shaking with anticipation, but dammit, you avoided it altogether and moved back up and kissed me. Again and again, sucking on my tongue, nipping at my lips, while you rubbed your cock against my thigh. I started to beg...like you didn't know that I would. You really enjoy that; I can see the satisfaction on your face when I do. I think you like the idea of having me at your mercy. Alex Krycek, naked, helpless, pleading, needing something only you can give. And you just held it back until you were goddamn fucking good and ready to give it to me. You're just lucky that I love it too, that's all I gotta say. I don't know if I'd ever have let anybody else do this to me. Let me amend that statement. I know I'd never have let anybody else do this to me. You unscrewed the cap on the lube and greased up your cock, then worked your finger into my ass. I pushed against you until you were in up to your last knuckle, and still, it wasn't enough. You slid that one finger in and out a few times, then added another. I gritted my teeth and bucked against your hand while you pinched my nipples with the other. Jesus, my head felt like it was going to come off. I would have done anything at that point. Anything you asked, if only you would fuck me. That was a stupid thing to say because I'd do anything you asked, even if I wasn't trying to get fucked. But you know what I mean. I was desperate. I pleaded with you to give me your cock. I begged. I threatened. You just smiled. Actually, it came out as more of a sneer. Fucking bastard. I love you. You pulled your fingers out and positioned me against you. I could feel your cock lying hard against the crevice of my ass, and I just about lost it. I had to clench my hands in my hair to keep from grabbing my cock. I felt the head move between my cheeks, then start to stretch me. Then you were there, fucking me hard and fast. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't make a sound. I was completely overwhelmed, but you wouldn't stop. You just moved harder and faster, and all I could hear above the roar in my head, was the grunts that came out of you every time you slammed against me. You grabbed my cock and started to jerk me off, thank God, because I don't think I would have lived another three minutes, if you didn't make me come. I felt it rise up and take me over in the blink of an eye. I clawed at the carpet and screamed, and then you were there too. You fell on top of me, biting into my shoulder and groaning as you finished. That was the last thing I remember until I woke up forty-five minutes later with you still on top of me. With a little coaxing, I managed to wake you up and get you into bed. I went into the bathroom to wash. When I came out, you were asleep again, and I just had to stand there for a minute and look at you. First of all, seeing you there in my bed gave me the most indescribable feeling. Second, seeing that you were obviously comfortable enough with me to fall asleep in my bed compounded that feeling. God, it was unbelievable. I sat at the edge of the bed and washed you with the warm cloth I'd brought with me from the bathroom. You barely even moved. When I finished, I slipped in beside you and pulled the blanket up over us. Without waking up, you gravitated toward me and settled against my side, wrapping one arm around my waist. I kissed the top of your head and went to sleep. I woke this morning to the sound of your watch alarm. You must have set it before you came over last night. So you'd planned on staying right from the time you'd made up your mind to come over. How'd you know I wasn't going to send you home, huh? Yeah, right. Like I ever would have done that. I managed to wake myself sufficiently enough to ask you what time it was. You said it was five thirty. You had to pick Scully up at seven. I asked you if you had enough time to go from here to your apartment, then to Scully's, and you gave me this smirk. You said that you had everything you needed for the trip already packed in your car, plus a fresh suit for today. I laughed my ass off and asked you if you were always so confident. You leaned over and kissed the side of my nose and said no, that's why you didn't just bring the suit up with you in the first place. You never have to be uncertain about whether or not I want you with me, baby. It's a sure bet. You went to the living room to get your clothes, so you could go down to your car. In the meantime, I jumped out of bed and took a quick shower. When you got back, I was just shutting the water off. You complained because I didn't wait for you, but you knew that taking a shower together when you didn't have a whole lot of time to kill was not a good idea. I dried myself and got dressed, then went into the kitchen to make you a quick breakfast. By the time you finished showering and dressing, I had poached eggs, bacon and toast almost ready. You came up behind me and wound your arms around my chest. You kissed the side of my neck and jaw and told me that I didn't have to do that for you. It had been a late night, and I just should have stayed in bed. You had just planned on stopping at McDonald's on your way to Scully's. Well, there was no way in hell I would have let you do that. You were going to be gone for a couple of days, and the least I could do was send you off with a decent breakfast. We sat down and ate, then at around six-thirty, you got up to leave. I walked with you to the door, where we kissed for a couple of seconds. You thanked me for last night and for breakfast, said you'd call me tonight, and then you were gone. I cleaned up in the kitchen, then went back into the bathroom, where I found you'd left your clothes. I picked them up, smiling like a damn fool the whole time. I tossed your underwear and pants into the laundry basket and was about to throw your shirt in too, but I stopped. I stripped my own shirt off and put yours on. I loved having something that touched your skin, touching mine. And now your smell is surrounding me as I sit here, writing. It's almost like you're here with me. Okay, that's stretching it a bit, but you know what I mean. Phone's ringing. I hope it's you. It was you. Well, who else would it be? I'm not exactly drowning in friends. I asked you how your drive was. You said it was fine, you assumed. You slept most of the way, while Scully drove. She must have loved that. Anyway, you said that you'd probably be home in a couple of days and that you'd call me again tomorrow. We talked for a few minutes more about nothing in particular, you asked me what I was doing, and I said nothing, I was just sitting around wearing your shirt. You laughed, asked me why, and I told you. You went quiet for a few seconds, then you said you wished it was you here, wrapped around me. I felt this wave of heat crawl up my neck and spread over my face. For Christ's sake, I haven't blushed since...shit, I don't think I've ever blushed in my life. You do some strange shit to me, you know that? I just let the statement go by. I had been pretty sure that I wasn't going to get a very good night's sleep, before you called, but if we started on any conversations like that, I'd be all done. I told you that you should go and get some sleep because you'd said it was going to be an early day tomorrow. We said goodnight just a couple of minutes ago, and now I'm here, doing my best to ignore the throbbing in my jeans. It'd be easy enough to just give in to it, but it's not the same as when I come with you. That's what I want. That's what I'll wait for. It might kill me, but I'll wait for you. May 11 Been a while since I've done any writing. No particular reason, I've just been busy living life. You came back a couple of days after your last trip, and you came straight here. To me. I met you at the door, and we left a trail of clothes from there to the couch. We went at each other like demons and didn't stop until the fucking walls shook. We've spent every night together, either here or there at your apartment, and last night, just before we went to sleep, you told me that you'd been putting it off, but you thought it was time to tell Scully. You said you knew that you'd originally told me that you wanted us to tell her together, but you wouldn't hold me to that. I tightened my arms around you and told you that I wasn't going to let you face the fire alone. I'd be right there with you. You called me today from work and said that you'd told Scully that there was something important that you needed to talk to her about and asked if she could come to your apartment tonight after work. She said yes and that she'd had an idea for some time that something was up with you. She didn't say if she had any ideas about what it was, though we're both pretty sure that she does. You should be here soon. Hope you disarm her before you get here. May 12 It's about 2:13 a.m. You're asleep. I slipped out of bed to get this all down while it was fresh in my mind. Some night. You walked in a little after six with her behind you. We hadn't seen each other in weeks, and she couldn't hide her surprise at seeing me there. Then all of a sudden, the surprise was gone. She did us the courtesy though of letting us tell her what we had to, in the way that we wanted to. You know, I'm saying we, but it was you who did most of the talking. Hey, she's your friend. When you finished, she sat there on the couch, not saying anything. You sat on the chair across from her, leaning forward, your elbows resting on your thighs, fingers clasped together. I sat on the arm of the chair, not touching you, but wanting to. She kept looking from you to me and back again. Finally, she said something. Her: "How long?" You: "Almost a month." Her: "So, just around the same time we took the Consortium down." You: "Technically, yes." Her, looking at me: "Technically?" Me: "Yeah, well, we knew there was something between us before then, but that night we found out that it was all over is when we confronted it." Her: "I see. So...why tell me?" You: "You're my partner, Scully. My friend. Friends share important events in their lives with each other." Her: "Important." You: "Yes." At that point, you leaned back and took my hand in yours. You smiled up at me, then turned your attention back to her. "Very important. I don't want to hide this from you, Scully." Her: "You took a hell of a big chance, Mulder. How did you know I wasn't going to go nuts? How do you know I won't walk out of here and go straight to Skinner? Ask for a transfer off the X-files and get as far the hell away from you as I can?" You: "Will you?" Her, after a brief pause: "No. Your personal life is your own. I don't understand this, I don't know if I can, but I won't give you a hard time. Either of you." You: "I appreciate that, Scully. I know it came as a shock to you. We were more than a little surprised, ourselves." Her: "I just have to ask. How? I mean, you hated this man, Mulder. I know he's not exactly who we thought he was, but...how do you go from one extreme to the other?" You: "I've always been attracted to him." You kissed the back of my hand and let it go. Your hand dropped to my thigh, and I raised my hand to your shoulders, massaging them gently. "I just could never admit it." Her: "What about you?" I nodded and stroked your hair. "I've wanted him for a long, long time." Her: "And how is it that you came to admit this to each other?" Me: "We could read it all over each other, that night. There was no doubt." She looked down long enough to give us the opportunity to shoot nervous glances at each other. You: "Scully, I need you to understand this. I'm happy with Alex. These last few weeks have been the best I've ever had." Her: "I understand, Mulder, that there's no way I can deny that you've been in a better mood than I've ever seen you. I tried to attribute it to the end of the smoking man and his friends and all their plans, but I knew deep down that it was more than that. I knew something was up that night that we were all at the bar and that waitress was flirting with Alex. I could see that something was wrong. The thought that you may actually have been jealous even flitted across my mind, but I squashed it, quick. I wouldn't allow myself to even consider it." She paused, looking back and forth between us, again. "You're really happy?" You: "Yes." Her: "Okay." She looked back at me. "I've changed my opinion about you, Alex, quite a bit, but...if you hurt him...I swear on the souls of my father and my sister..." You: "Scully..." Me: "It's okay, Fox. Let her say what she wants to say. Finish, Scully." Her: "I'll kill you." Me: "Fair enough." Her: "I'm not kidding, Krycek." Me: "I never thought for a second that you were." Her: "Dead." You: "All right Scully, all right. I think he's got it." She stayed a little while longer, then left with the promise to do her best to understand and accept our relationship. It was all we could ask. Frankly, I'm surprised at her reaction. I expected her to be a lot more upset than she was. We turned in not long after she left. I could feel the tension drain out of your body as you relaxed against me. I held you against my chest and rubbed your back until you fell asleep only a few minutes later. I dozed off for a while, but all that was said kept running through my mind, so I decided to get up and write it down. I'm starting to feel tired again, so I guess I'll end this here and get back to you. May22 Major event. Well, to me, anyway. We've reached the point in our relationship where we're apparently so comfortable with each other, that we've started using those cute little endearments that always used to make me roll my eyes when I heard them. Now, I find myself calling you baby on a regular basis, while you seem more partial to the shorter babe. And the other day, out of the blue, you slapped me with a nickname. I am now Lexei, which I have to admit, I love. It's personal, you know? Something that'll always be just between us. A name only you will ever know me by. Really makes me feel like I'm all yours. Scully is adjusting to us very well. Unbelievably well. The woman is a lot cooler than I ever gave her credit for. With your permission, she told her mother. She said the poor woman was shocked and more than a little disappointed that she'd have to give up on her plans to get you two together. But she said that the news will do nothing to change her feelings for you, and she's even expressed an interest in meeting me. I'm amazed. I thought devout Catholics were dead set against same sex relationships, as a rule. We told your other friends a few days ago, and they reacted pretty much the way we thought they would. They were dumbstruck, but out of friendship for you and fear of me, they accepted our announcement and promised that nothing between you would change. In light of the reactions we've gotten so far, you're now considering talking to Skinner. I told you that you should think about that one long and hard. Yeah, I know he's a friend. But first, he's your boss, and he seems to me like he would be too rigid not to take his duties as A.D. seriously. The long and the short of it is, I'm afraid, Fox. Not for myself, Skinner can kiss my ass. I'm afraid for you. I don't want you to lose your job because of me. I love you, and if I were ever to cause you any pain of any kind, I'd never forgive myself. Maybe I'm worrying for nothing. Maybe you'll decide against telling him. Or if you do tell him, maybe he'll actually act like a human being and at least try to understand your feelings. June 2 Took me two days to actually compose myself enough to write. Plus, I wanted to make sure that it wasn't like, a dream, or you weren't going to change your mind and take it back or anything. We were at your apartment. It was about one-thirty, and we were watching some ridiculously hokey late night movie, laughing and pointing out all the mistakes, counting the amount of times we saw the overhead mike in the shot, how many times the part in the star's hair switched sides...stuff like that. I was sitting, propped against the pillows and you were between my legs, lying back against my chest. You stopped laughing. Well, you didn't just stop, your laughter sort of faded away, and you pulled my hand into yours and laced our fingers together. You studied them for the longest time, and I started thinking that the last time you did that, our lives did a screaming one-eighty. Before I could do any more thinking, you lifted our hands, and brushed your lips across my knuckles. You shifted around so that we were eye to eye and gave me this smile, this soft, sweet smile, and then you just said it. "I love you, Lexei." Everything started to spin. I felt like I'd suddenly left my body, yet I was right there, unable to move, grounded by those eyes. I finally remembered to breathe, and some of the dizziness subsided. I don't know how long I sat there staring at you, but I saw your smile fade and a little sliver of apprehension replaced the gleam in your eyes. You looked away and I felt your body sag. I gave myself a mental shake, and touched your face. You looked back at me, and I wrapped my arms around you and held on to you like you might suddenly vanish. We clung to each other for I don't know how long, then I whispered in your ear that I loved you, too. That I've loved you for such a long time now. You pulled back and looked at me, obviously stunned. I asked you if you really had no idea. You shook your head. Said you'd never even dared to hope that I'd ever feel that way about you. I can still see your face. You were so uncertain. So beautiful. I pulled you in for a kiss, mumbling "I love you" against your mouth, over and over. I couldn't stop saying it. It'd been building up for so long. My heart jumped into my throat when you said, "Show me." So I showed you. All night. I don't know if it sounds stupid to say that it was different, but it was. We were making love, in every sense of the word. I never knew that it could make such a difference, I mean, I loved you, I knew I loved you the whole time. But knowing that you loved me back, Fox...it was just...it never felt so good. And that's saying a hell of a lot. After devouring each other until almost dawn, we fell asleep. Last thing I remember was you sprawled over my back, still deep inside my ass, kissing my cheek and telling me you loved me, before our bodies began to relax and we passed out. We slept until late morning, spent the early afternoon just hanging around, discussing our new discovery, then later got ready to go out to dinner with Scully and her mother. It would be my first time meeting the woman, and knowing how much you liked her, I wanted to make a good impression. I let you and Scully take me shopping last week in preparation. All in all, an experience I hope never to repeat. Not with Scully present, anyway. She was just trying to be helpful, but she was driving me crazy, throwing so much at me at once. Pants, shirts, ties, jackets. Do you know when the last time was I'd worn a freakin' tie? After the Bureau, I burned every suit and tie I had and never looked back. Now here I was, buying more. Granted, Armani and Hugo Boss are a hell of a lot nicer than anything I had back then, but still. I won't forget the look on your face when I walked out of the dressing room, wearing the first suit. You didn't care that Scully was sitting right there. You got up from your chair and walked up to me. When we were only a few inches apart, you looked me up and down. The look in your eyes made my cock twitch. You skimmed your knuckles down the lapel of my jacket and gave me a trace of a smirk. Told me I was drop dead gorgeous, then you kissed me right there in the store. As far as I knew, besides Scully, only the clerk saw it. Poor woman didn't know which way to look. Okay, so maybe I did have a little fun that day... Anyway, we met Scully and her mother yesterday at the restaurant, at six. I liked Maggie the minute we met. She had the sincerest, kindest smile I've ever seen. And even though I didn't really give her much to go on, I think she liked me. Which I admit surprises me. First, I'm the guy who screwed up her hopes for having you for a son-in-law...second, I'm...well, I'm me. Expensive suit not withstanding. But then again, she probably knows nothing about me. Somehow I doubt that Scully would have given her the whole story. I thought I'd be very uncomfortable, but she did everything she could to put me at ease, and I appreciated it. Dinner ended at around eight, and as we were leaving the restaurant, Maggie wound her arm around yours and led you away, leaving Scully and me to walk together. We couldn't hear what she was saying to you, but Scully thought that from her expression, it wasn't anything bad. A little later on the way to your apartment, you told me that she said she liked me, and she asked you if I was always so quiet. She also made the observation that while I was very handsome, I didn't exactly look comfortable in that suit. Smart woman. We got to your apartment and I headed straight for the bedroom, starting to yank at the knot of the tie. You grabbed me by my arm and pulled me back. You asked if you could undress me yourself. Like I was going to say no. You took perverse pleasure in slowly peeling my clothes off, and by the time you made it down to my pants, I was really cursing Mr. Armani. T-shirt, jeans, ten seconds, and bang. Naked. But, noooooooo. I really shouldn't complain. You do like that GQ look on me. Turns you on. maybe I could wear nicer stuff once in a while, for you. Casual, but better than the jeans. After a long, sweaty session, we fell asleep, and I didn't wake until a sound startled me at around three. It was you. You were moaning and shifting around, like you were in pain. Then you started to scream your sister's name. Scared the hell out of me. I touched your shoulder and called to you, but you didn't wake. I tapped your chest and called a little louder. Your eyes opened, and you looked around the room like you didn't know where you were. I turned your face toward me and rubbed your cheek. Asked if you were okay, but you didn't answer. All you did was look up at me in a daze, and shake. God, you were shaking so much. I pulled you into my arms and held you as tight as I could until I felt the trembling subside. When you were calmer, I asked you about the dream. You said it happened every once in a while. Seemed to come in waves. It'd be months and months, and you wouldn't dream about it. Then for some reason, it'd come to you four or five times in the span of a month or two. You didn't know what triggered it, if anything did at all. It was always the same. Your sister being taken away, by what, you didn't know. Floating out the window, and you, not able to stop it. You wrapped your arms around me and buried your face in my chest while I rocked you. After a long while, you spoke again. You said that you'd always sat up all night alone after one of these things, afraid to go back to sleep. I tilted your head up and kissed you and reassured you that you weren't alone anymore, and you didn't have to be afraid to go back to sleep because I'd be right there with you. I held you against me, petting your hair, even after I was sure you were asleep. I lay there, staring up at the ceiling, hating CM and those other bastards all over again. They were gone, but reminders of what they'd done would always be with you. If I could dig them all up and kill them again for what they've done to you, Fox, I would. But since that's impossible, I'll just have to put all my energies into trying to help you forget it. I love you baby, and I swear on my life, I'll do everything I can to make you happy. June 15 I knew you were impulsive, Fox, but damn, to just...show up on Skinner's doorstep and tell him? I know we've discussed it before, and you said that if he was to be told, it'd have to be by you alone, and I understood that. He hates me so much there's no way he'd even try to be objective if I was there. But I thought you'd at least let me know that you'd decided when you were going to tell him. You said that you would have told me, had you known that today was going to be the day when you left the apartment, but it wasn't until you were in your car and on your way home that you'd decided. Actually, you said you couldn't even really call it a decision. You said that one minute you were driving home, and the next, you found yourself turning onto the exit for Crystal City. You said he was shocked, to say the least. But you were friends, and he said that as your friend, he'd accept your decision and would keep your personal relationship completely separate from your working relationship. Meaning that, in the office, it would be as if you never told him a thing. He also told you that he didn't like me, and he didn't trust me, but if you did, then that's what counted. We've been damn lucky, Fox. Well, you have. You've got good friends. I'm glad. I'd hate to think you'd lost any of them on my account. June 22 Had Scully and her mother over for dinner, yesterday. You asked Skinner, but he said he had other plans. Maggie was happy to see that I could cook since you could just about boil water without any major catastrophes. She said that maybe now you'd put on a couple of pounds. She's so motherly, for lack of a better word. I really like her. I wish I had someone like her in my life. I mean, my mother was a good woman, from what I could remember of her, but she was gone too quickly. She died when I was thirteen, and from then on, my life was pretty much devoid of any affection. I'm sure as hell not going to sit here and blame the lack of a mother's love for the way I've lived my life, I alone am responsible for the things I've done. I guess I'm just saying that it would have been nice. Whatever. July 28 Been a long time. I just find that I've got less and less time to write. This was important though. We were fighting about all the crap cluttering your apartment yesterday. I was cleaning, telling you how it'd be so much easier if you didn't have so much shit; you told me that if I felt I had to clean, just clean around it and leave your shit alone, and the war was on. Our first argument. We went at it about everything from all your books and files all over the place, to lack of floor space, to the damn way you exist in darkness like a damn vampire, to the disgusting condition of your oven. We loved being together, didn't want to spend even one night apart if we could help it, but being in such close quarters, practically tripping over each other, was starting to get the better of us. The argument wound down, and we spent the remainder of the day in virtual silence, but as night fell, you finished the reports you were working on, and you came over to sit next to me on the couch. I ignored you and continued to read the paper, but I could feel the warmth of your thigh pressing against mine. You rested your forehead on my shoulder and wrapped your arms around my waist. You: "Lexei..." Me, trying to sound mad: "What?" You: "I'm sorry." Me: "Uh-huh." You: "Really, I am. Don't be mad, okay?" Me: "Okay." You: "That wasn't very convincing." Me, still looking at the paper: "It wasn't?" You: "Come on, cut it out." You kissed my shoulder and took the paper away from me. "I have an idea. Want to hear it?" I looked at you. "Does it involve your bare ass and my belt?" You gave me that damn pout that I can't resist and snuggled against me. "You that mad?" Me: "Maybe." You: "Well, just listen to my idea. If you don't like it, then you can spank me." You dropped a hand into my lap and stroked me. "Hell, you can spank me even if you do like it." I had to fight not to bend you over my knee. I kept my voice low and even. "I might just do that." You licked the side of my neck and told me your idea. "Let's buy a house." You sure as hell know how to throw me off balance. "What?" You repeated yourself, a little more insistently: "Let's buy a house." Me: "You.....and me." You: "No, me and Frohike." Me: "Where the hell did you pull that idea from?" You: "We're only apart when I'm out of town. It's crazy to keep two apartments, and it would solve our space problem. We could find a nice big place in the suburbs, but not too far from work..." Me: "You're serious, aren't you?" You: "Yeah...." And I could see the disappointment. "You think it's a bad idea?" Me: "I just...I 'm shocked, is all. You'd really like to do that?" You: "I wouldn't have brought it up if I didn't. But listen, if the idea doesn't appeal to you..." Me: "No! I mean, it does. I'd love for us to live together in our own house." The sparkle came back to your eyes. "I was worried for a second, there." Me: "Sorry, you just caught me by surprise. Fox, this is serious stuff, here. Do you know what you're saying to me?" You: "I'm saying I want us to buy a house?" Me: "Yeah, but in saying that, you're telling me that you want this to be forever. You know, on and on, without end. You and me, permanently...at least that's what I'm hearing." You: "That's what you're hearing 'cause that's what I'm saying. When I told you I loved you, Alex, it wasn't just for a week or a month. It was for always. Can you handle that?" Me: "Yeah." I leaned forward and kissed the tip of your nose, then your mouth. "I can handle it fine." You stared at me, your eyes so serious. "Do you want it?" Me, just as serious: "More than I can tell you." We sat, just staring at each other for a few seconds, then you swung your leg over mine and straddled me. My cock was already half hard from when you rubbed your hand over it earlier, and when you settled down on top of my thighs, it jumped to attention. You brushed your mouth over mine before covering it completely. Your mouth was so soft... and your tongue. My cock started to throb, and all I could think about at that point was fucking you silly, but I let you have the lead. For a little while anyway. You continued to kiss me slowly, seducing me with your tongue, while you started to unbutton my shirt. Your hands felt cool against my chest as they rubbed up and down. You stopped at my nipples and brushed them with your fingertips. The sensation vibrated through me, and I shivered. You asked me if I was cold, and I just smiled and pulled you down for another kiss. Your hands slid down to the waistband of my pants and undid the belt, then the button, then pulled the zipper down. You ran your fingers over the bulge in my underwear and smiled when I jumped and sucked in my breath. You got off of my lap and spread my legs, then kneeled on the floor between them. My heart rate tripled, just looking at you down there on the floor in front of me, rubbing my thighs. You hooked your fingers in the band and started to pull. I lifted my hips to help you get them off faster. Once that was done, you pulled my underwear off and looked down at my cock. You lifted a hand from my leg and touched it. The touch was so gentle I could have almost imagined it. You traced the big vein from beginning to end, then back again. You smiled every time it lifted toward your mouth, but you just rested your cheek on my thigh and continued to stroke it lightly with your fingers. Me: "Baby?" You: "Hmm?" Me: "Please suck my cock." You: "I will..." Me: "When?" You: "When I'm ready." Me: "I think you're ready, now." You: "You think so?" Me: "I really do." You licked a long trail up my thigh but stopped short of the mark. Me: "That's good, but you need to move a little higher, okay?" You: "I know where your cock is." Me: "Really?" You: "Yes." Me: "Show me." You: "Or what?" I reached down and picked up my pants, pulling the belt from the loops. I let the pants drop back onto the floor and doubled the belt up in my hand. "Or this." You stood up, undressed, then kneeled back in front of me. Your head went back down, and you nipped at the inside of my thigh. Me: "Fox..." You, licking the area you'd just bitten: "What?" Me: "You're being bad..." You: "I know..." You flinched and yelped as I surprised you with a stinging stroke of the belt over the top of your ass. Me: "Suck my cock, baby." You rubbed your cheek against it but wouldn't take it into your mouth. I slipped the belt under your chin and lifted your head so that I could see your eyes. They had that beautiful, cloudy look to them Me: "You want another one?" You didn't answer, you just leaned forward, draping yourself over my legs, and resting your head against my hip. I arched up a little, pressing my cock harder into your chest, then I brought the belt down again over your ass. You gasped and bit into my hip. I gave you one more, then pushed against your shoulder so that you slid back a little. I held your chin in my hand and forced you to look at me. Me: "Suck me." You hesitated, then lowered your head into my lap. My head fell back against the cushion as you licked up and down my cock. You circled the head a few times, then sucked me down your throat. There's nothing like that first sensation of plunging into your mouth. I mean, one second, I'm thinking about it, anticipating it, then the next, I'm there, suddenly surrounded by beautiful, wet, warmth. Fucking fantastic. Well, you were giving me what I wanted, so I gave you what you wanted. I slid the leather over your ass, ran it between the crack, and shuddered as your moans vibrated all around my cock. I smacked you again, and you whimpered and sucked me a little harder. I didn't know how much longer I could hold on. From the tightening in the pit of my stomach, I'd guessed not too much longer. I gave you one more, then I pushed you away from me and wrapped the belt around your cock, firmly enough so that it wouldn't slip off, but not tight. I pulled you back to me and pushed your head back down to my crotch. Me: "Now suck me and don't stop until I tell you to." When you settled into a comfortable rhythm, I began to pull on the belt. Your head continued to bob up and down on my cock, but I could feel your whole body begin to shake. I pulled a little harder and faster, and you groaned and dug your fingers into my hips. I could feel my orgasm building, and I knew it was only a matter of seconds till I blew. I told you to suck me harder, and I pulled the belt with the same amount of force. We came at almost the same time, but since you had a mouthful of cock, only my screaming could really be heard. You swallowed all that you could and continued to suck as you came all over the front of the couch. I let the belt go, then gently pushed you away from my cock and pulled you up onto the couch. You fell onto your stomach across my legs and moaned softly as I stroked your back and the little pink welts that had risen on your ass. Me: "You're such a freak." You, mumbling into the seat cushion: "I am what you made me." Me: "Don't blame me." You flipped over onto your back and I cradled you in my arms. You winced and shifted for a position that was a little easier on your ass, then you gave me a tired smile. "I was actually crediting you." I smiled back. "Oh." You: "So. When are we going to start looking?" Me: "For?" You: "House..." Me: "Oh! I don't know. When do you want to start?" You: "Tomorrow?" I laughed and gave you a kiss. Suggested that we get the hell to bed and talk about it in the morning. I don't know what talking we're going to do, other than figure out where to start looking. I know that neither of us is going to change his mind. House hunting. You and me. This ought to be interesting. MMCUSN@aol.com Green Eyed Monster prequel Two: Move In Condition

Feedback: Yes, please. You can reach me at MMCUSN@aol.com Rated NC-17 m/m sexual situations and a few naughty words. If you're under eighteen years of age, detest tampering with canon, or can't stand the idea of Mulder and Krycek being completely gone on each other, I give you fair warning. Run! Summary: This is a prequel to Green Eyed Monster. Alex works with Mulder and Scully to break the Consortium and put an end to all this aliens taking over the world nonsense. He starts scribbling out a journal, originally to record the events for Mulder in the event of his demise, but things begin to change... Disclaimer: They are not mine, but they will be, any time now. My dog told me so, yesterday. Endless thanks to Nic, Orithain and Sue, for marvelous beta and continuous harassment. Big hugs to the lovely Pat, whose opinion I hold in the highest regard, for continuing to be enthusiastic about my work. back to top

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