Il
TraviatoAct Three
by Cody Nelson
La rea son io; Ma solo amore tal mi rende'...
[I am the guilty one, but it was love alone that made me do it...]
SCENE ONE
Mulder knelt before his disorganized CD collection, searching dejectedly
through the motley pile, hoping to find something to take take the edge off his
late-night nerves. There was no one to call this time: Scully was away for the
weekend; the Lone Gunman office was empty. So he was left to his own devices,
and if he was ever going to get to sleep, he'd have to figure out his own way
to quiet his mind.
Some jazz, maybe? Wailing sax and jangly piano, driving and hypnotic? But
melancholy, too, and perhaps a little too lonely. Rock and roll? Old favorites
from college, to bring back other days? But other days reminded him too much of
the regrets of today. Classical? Some stately baroque, perhaps, clean and
elegant and intricate? Too detached. He scattered the CDs in the floor as he
worked through the stacks, delving past his usual selections to the
seldom-played choices underneath.
La Traviata. His hand froze on the jewel case. It had been a present
from his mother, ages ago, a brief respite from the boring ties and leather
wallets that were her usual gifts. He'd taken her to the opera for her
birthday, one summer home from Oxford, and she'd bought him the CD for
Christmas. Not that he didn't like it, but it wasn't something he often played,
except for a brief flurry of interest back when... well, admit it, back when he
was working with Krycek.
His hands moved slowly, picking up the CD and opening the case, while he
stared at it, as if hypnotized. From inside the case, a small bit of gold foil
fellan origami crane, folded out of a candy wrapper. Mulder felt his heart
pound, and his face grow hot.
The CD case fell, and he snatched up the gold crane, crushing it in his
fist. He stood, staring around wildly for a moment, then strode into the
kitchen and tossed the wadded bit of foil into the trash.
Traitor. Liar. Killer. Betrayer. His mind sang the litany of
epithets against his former partner, battering and reviling the image that rose
uncontrollably into his mind: the sweet, blushing man, sitting on the other
side of Mulder's desk, a stray lock of hair falling across his forehead, tongue
between his teeth in concentration as he carefully folded the tiny crane from
the inner wrapper of his candy bar. Just for you, Agent Mulder.
No. It had all been lies, deceit and treachery. Mulder wrapped his arms
around himself, felt himself shaking. I hate you, Alex Krycek. I'll kill
you. Blood pounded in his ears. I hate you for what you did to me. What
you did to Scully.
He remembered sitting in the carin Alex Krycek's carthe butt of a
partially-smoked Morley cigarette in his hand, as the pieces of the puzzle fell
into place and the depth of his betrayal came clear. The pain was shocking,
even now, hitting Mulder in the gut like a punch to the stomach. Scully. Mulder
was halfway to the phone before he remembered. I'm not taking my cell phone
with me, she'd told him before she left. It's just for a few days. I
need a little time to myself. You should take some time off, too. This has been
hard on all of us.
It had been hard. He'd thought for a little while that he'd gotten his
sister back. He'd gotten Scully back, and that had been hard, too, but despite
what they'd done to her, she'd miraculously survived, and was once again at his
side. Then Samanthaand he'd almost let himself believe that he was going to
succeed, that he really could protect the people he cared about, that
persistence and hard work and just wanting something badly enough could
actually make a difference. But then he'd found out that the woman he thought
was his sister was a clone, and he'd nearly been killed, and Scully had nearly
been killed, and his mother's heart had been broken all over again, and his
father had been disappointed in him again.
But he'd gained a little, too. He'd learned a little more, and he was more
sure than ever that his sister was still alive, and more determined than ever
to find her. But it had been hard, and the last thing he wanted now was to
think about Alex Goddamned Krycek, who'd disappeared months ago, before Mulder
had ever gotten the chance to confront him about his treachery, whose merest
memory was still enough to scald Mulder's nerve endings like fire.
Mulder went back into the living room and picked up the CD, carefully
closing the case and tucking it at the bottom of the pile. It was a gift from
his mother, and damned if he'd let Krycek's memory make him get rid of a gift
from his mother. Maybe he'd never play it again, but he'd keep and cherish it
just the same. The origami crane, thoughfunny how he'd managed to put it out
of his mind for all these months. Well, now it was in the garbage, where it
belonged. Mulder's fingers worked, the prickly metallic feel of the foil
imprinted unnaturally into his hand. He remembered Krycek's hands, the long,
delicate fingers carefully folding the foil. Just for you, Agent Mulder.
His face had turned red, and he'd stared at the floor.
Mulder had always known that Krycek couldn't possibly be as innocent as he
seemed, and yetand yetIt wasn't possible to voluntarily control one's
blush response, was it? (Damn it, he needed to talk to Scully.) Still,
supposing Krycek did embarrass himself folding cranes for his partner, it
didn't change anything. Unless it meant that not everything had been a lie. But
Mulder didn't want to know about that. Didn't want to think about that. Because
if not everything had been a lie, then one had to wonder what else might have
been real among the falsehoods and deceits. Like, Remember that, Mulder. No
matter what happens, I love you....
Mulder half-ran to his phone, punching out the number as he brought the
receiver to his ear. Come on, Frohike, Langly, Byers, anybody, please be
there.... But the phone rang eight, ten, twelve times, and Mulder finally
hung up in frustration. The Lone Gunman office was empty, and those idiot
paranoids wouldn't tell even him their home phone numbers, if in fact they had
any.
Phone sex? The home shopping network? Psychic hotline? Somewhere, even at
four A.M., there were people he could talk to, live human voices on the other
end of a phone line, for a price. Hi, Candy, are you naked? I fucked my
partner once, and then he helped them abduct my friend Scully. Hi, Dionne, can
you see my future? Will I ever be able to get him out of my mind? Hi, Joan, I'd
really like one of those fake diamond rings, someone told me he was in love
with me once, but I think he was lying....
Mulder sighed and put the phone down. Maybe he should go out and run? Wear
himself out with some physical exercise? Read a book? Turn on the TV?
Or maybe he should just give up and think about Krycek. Think about those
long nights in Montana, the touch of his skin, the breathy moans, the tremors
in his body, the precious salty tears. What would he do with that body now, if
he had the chance? Punish him. Hurt him. Make him suffer, as Mulder had
suffered. Mulder trembled, his eyes closed as he stood in his living room,
fists clenched at his sides. He imagined his hand around Krycek's throat, the
huge eyes wide and brilliant with fear. His fists would come down, over and
over and over, and that beautiful, innocent face would crumple into pulpy,
bruised flesh. You betrayed me. Mulder mouthed the words, hearing them
in his mind, watching them score in flinching, whimpering guilt on the enemy
lying naked at his feet. The body should be crisscrossed in welts and cuts.
Mulder stood with a cane in his hand, ready to inflict the righteous
punishment. Krycek, tied to a whipping post, his back exposed, begged for
mercy.
Mulder, I have to tell you....
Tell me what, more lies? The bullwhip came down hard on the wide,
muscular back, and the penitent screamed in pain.
Mulder sank to his knees, one hand between his legs, working his cock
through the coarse denim of his jeans, unaware of the tears streaming down his
face.
I love you! The ribs crunched and caved in under Mulder's boot, and
the cries ended in the choked gurgle of a punctured lung.
I love you too.
Mulder's cock burned and swelled and erupted in his jeans, and he let
himself fall to the floor, gasping and sobbing, as his mind spun away into
darkness.
He went on. The X-Files went on. Scully was there, keeping him on track,
keeping him steady. The memory of that other partner faded again, and settled
into the corners of his mind, a slight irritant at the edge of his
consciousness, like a grain of sand inside an oyster's shell. The occasional
harried dream; a sudden twinge at the sight of a Hershey bar, a newspaper ad
for the opera, an origami crane; the image of a pale, muscled male body that
intruded on his fantasies, firmly pushed away; the low, breathy voice that
whispered in his ear late at night in the fringe world between waking and
sleep... it seemed that Alex Krycek could not be banished completely, but
perhaps in time the memories could be smoothed out, covered over in pearly
essence to reduce their sting.
Mulder could only hope. He had no other defense against them.
It was a night in the early spring, fresh and clean after a light rain. The
sort of night that Mulder usually found invigoratingnights he enjoyed being
outside, when the skies were clear and full of stars, even in the city. He sat
on the couch with his knees drawn up, chin resting on one knee, rocking
slightly. He should get something to eat, he thought. He hadn't had dinner. He
should take a shower and change out of his sweats. The evening run, which had
seemed like such a good idea when he got home from work, had just exhausted him
further, but it was a nervous and shaky exhaustion, and held no promise of a
better night's sleep. How many days had it been since he'd had even a few hours
of rest? Never a sound sleeper, Mulder's nights lately had been even more
restless than usual, full of troubled awakenings and feverish dreams. His head
ached, and his tired mind wandered. If he didn't feel better soon, he'd have to
see a doctor.
The phone rang. Mulder started, then sat back, pulling irritably at his
sweat-stained tee-shirt. It was his home phone, not his cell phone. He could
ignore it and let the answering machine take it. The shrill ring made his sore
head pound. Four rings before the machine picked up. Muttering under his
breath, he let his feet fall to the floor and leaned forward to snatch up the
receiver before it could shrill in his ear again.
"Mulder."
"Agent Mulder? Agent Fox Mulder?" It was a woman's voice, unfamiliar.
"Yes."
"Agent Mulder, this is Kate Krycek. Alex Krycek's mother. I'm sorry to call
you at home, but I've tried calling the FBI and I can't get anyone to help me,
and I know I shouldn't be bothering you, but I've been so worried...."
"Mrs. Krycek?" Mulder's tired mind struggled to keep up with the woman's
rapid-fire speech. "Is it Alex? Has something happened to him?" He'd met
Krycek's mother briefly, a few days after Krycek disappeared, hoping to find
some clue to where his treacherous partner had gone. Krycek had called her,
apparently, with some story about a special assignment, top-secret, that he
couldn't talk about, that would keep him out of touch for a while. Mulder
hadn't had the heart to tell her what had really happened. Well, she didn't
know anything, anyway. There was no point in making her worry.
"No. I don't know. It's just been so long. I know you can't talk about what
he's doing, all I want to know is that he's all right."
"Mrs. Krycek, I'm sorry, there's nothing I can tell you."
"They keep saying he doesn't even work for the FBI any more. That he just
disappeared. It's part of his cover, I suppose. He wouldn't just disappear,
despite what his father thinks."
"I wish I could help you."
There was a long pause. Mulder hoped rather desperately that she'd hang up.
He did not want to be sitting here trying to reassure Alex Krycek's mother.
He betrayed me, Mrs. Krycek. If I ever see him again, I may just kill
him. Kate Krycek had the same huge, liquid green eyes her son had.
"I'm sorry." Her voice was a harried whisper, low and breathy. The same
tones, several notes higher, that had sent aching shivers through Mulder's body
when her son whispered them. "I know you can't tell me anything. It's just
that, well, I can't help worrying. I know he's a grown man, but," a gentle
laugh, also painfully familiar, "I'm a mother. And Alexhe's a good boy, he
tries so hard, but sometimes his enthusiasm gets the better of him, he throws
himself into things without thinking them through."
"I know." Mulder's own voice had gone soft with the effort to keep the
bitterness away.
"I remember how proud he was when he got his first assignment. His father
thought he wouldn't even make it through the training, but I knew. And he was
so excited about working with you. He used to talk about you all the time."
"Me? He talked about me?" Mulder let his head fall forward into his hand.
He gritted his teeth, thinking he had to end this phone call before he started
screaming.
"Oh, yes, he really admired you. It was 'Mulder this' and 'Mulder that'I
was so glad for him. I thought you'd be able to, well, keep an eye on him and
help him. I know this job he's doing now, whatever it is, must be something
important and I'm sure he's doing just fine. But I'd feel so much better if I
knew he wasn't alone, if he had someone like you working with him."
"I would too, Mrs. Krycek." Mulder gripped the receiver so tightly his hand
ached.
"He doesn't have that many friends. Not that he isn't easy to get along
with, or that he doesn't like people. I think it has to do with the way he was
raised, moving around all the time. His father's in the Army, you know."
"Yes, I know." A full colonel. Krycek's father had been at work the day the
FBI agent came to visit Krycek's family home, so Mulder hadn't met him. A phone
call to the colonel's office hadn't gotten past his secretary. Apparently, he
hadn't found it worth his time to discuss his son's sudden disappearance. Mrs.
Krycek had smiled apologetically and shrugged. He's a very busy man. Please,
you don't need to bother him. I'll tell you everything you want to know.
She'd seemed so sad, Mulder hadn't had the heart to press the matter.
"He'd get so attached to people, and then we'd have to leave again, and it
just broke his heart. It never seemed to get any easier for him, every time it
was just like the first time. I hated to see it. I thought finally when he went
to work at the FBI, he'd make some friends he'd be able to stay with."
Then he shouldn't have betrayed me. He could have stayed with me, it
wasn't my fault! That last night, he'd seemed in as much pain as Mulder.
I want to stay with you, he'd insisted. You don't know how bad I want
to stay. But he'd made his choices, and he'd helped them to take Scully,
and then he'd had to leave. "I guess the FBI's like the Army that way.
Sometimes you have to go where your job takes you."
"Yes, I suppose. Well. I'd better go. I'm sorry to bother you, Agent
Mulder."
"It's all right. Good night, Mrs. Krycek."
"Good night."
Mulder put the receiver down slowly, then pulled his legs back up onto the
couch. Well, everyone had a mother. Even Alex Krycek. And he'd been a child
once, an Army brat, whose heart had broken afresh every time the family moved.
It wasn't hard to believe, if the man you were talking about was the
sweet-faced innocent who cried when he made love. But the man who betrayed his
partner, silenced witnesses, helped the men in black to abduct an innocent
womanwhere was he in his mother's words?
Where was Alex Krycek?
Act Three
SCENE TWO
Two days later, it began. It was innocuous enough, if annoying. The Lone
Gunmen showed up at his apartment, something they rarely did, and even more
rarely uninvited. He was still feeling tired and jumpy and his head seemed to
ache all the time, and he was not in the mood for his friends' loopy paranoia.
But their story of a colleague's break-in of the Defense Department's computer
files was interrupted by gunshotsdown the hall, a woman had murdered her
husband, suddenly, for no apparent reason. Later, Mulder met with the man the
Lone Gunmen had come to tell him about and received a digital computer tape
that purportedly held all of the Defense Department's UFO documents for the
past fifty yearseverything, including Roswell, the Majestic files, Area 51everything Mulder had been searching for. The Holy Grail.
He brought the tape to work the next day, so excited he could barely
breathe. But the files were encrypted; he couldn't read them. And while Scully
went to try to find a way to decode the files, Mulder flew into a rage at
Skinner for no reason, and scuffled with his superior in the hallway outside
his office. Sick and confused and dejected, Mulder went home and took a
sleeping pill, only to be startled awake by Scully, coming to rail at him for
putting both of them in danger. He appeased her as best he could, then taped an
"X" on his window and sat down to wait for his sometime informant, to see if he
could find out what was happening. But before the mysterious X had made
contact, Mulder's father called and asked him to come to see him.
Mulder's relationship with his father had always been difficult. Mulder had
supposed it was his own fault; he was a strange and opinionated child,
intelligent and driven and moody. The abduction of Samantha had fractured the
family, leaving everyone to crawl away and lick wounds in isolation. Never
close, the family's grief had driven a wedge between father and son that
neither had ever been able to break through. And the recent incident with the
Samantha clone had only made an already strained relationship worse: somehow,
Mulder had been made to feel that it was his fault that his mother had been
forced to endure the loss of her daughter a second time. He'd barely spoken to
his father since. But always, he craved his father's approval. Always, he did
what his father asked, despite his exhaustion and need to meet with his
informant. So he made the long drive to his father's house in West Tisbury.
And sat in the living room while his father was murdered in the bathroom.
He heard the shot, and rushed to find his father bleeding and dying in the
floor. Forgive me, were his father's last words to him. Forgive
me. Mulder never found out for what.
He called Scully from his father's house, with his father's blood on his
hands. Were you arguing? she asked. As if she believed he'd done it. He
went to her house and spent the night in her bed, while she slept on the couch,
to find in the morning that she'd taken his gun. She still didn't trust him.
Still thought he might have done it. Almost numb, he felt the pain of her
abandonment only as a dull ache.
Later, he went back to his own apartment. But before he entered the
building, he caught a glimpse of a shadow around a corner. Just a glimpse. It
could have been anything, anyone, for any perfectly innocuous reason. But
Mulder no longer believed in innocuous occurrences. The whole universe seemed
to be conspiring against himif Scully could no longer be trusted, why should
nameless shadows be innocent? He ran around the building and waited behind the
corner, listening to the approaching footsteps.
The hand, holding a gun, appeared first. Mulder grabbed, pulled, shoved the
man against the brick wall, knocked the gun out of his hand. The sudden burst
of fury was fierce and satisfying. Somehow, it was no surprise at all to find
that the man he was hitting with all his strength was Alex Krycek. It seemed
inevitable. Of course Krycek would return now, at this time, to make Mulder's
misery complete. Of course, Krycek was behind Mulder's pain, just as he had
been before. Krycek was the enemy. Krycek was now the receptacle for all of
Mulder's pent-up rage and pain.
Some corner of his photographic memory recorded the changes: longer hair,
slicked back and styled; black leather jacket and work shirt; close-fitting
blue jeans. No longer even a trace of innocence. Nothing awkward or charmingly
geeky. A cold-eyed beauty, hard-faced and elegant and sleek. Mulder threw him
onto the hood of a car, demanding, "Did you kill my father?" It seemed only
obvious that Krycek must be the source of all the horror in Mulder's life. But
Krycek stubbornly refused to admit his guilt, even with his beautiful mouth
bleeding. Oddly, his eyes turned up in his head when Mulder's fist smashed into
his mouth, just as they did when Mulder had touched his cock. It only increased
Mulder's fury.
Enemy. Traitor. Murderer. Each mental accusation accompanied by a
blow. Throw him to the ground. Kick him. Point his own gun at him and demand
the truth. Make him suffer. Make him pay.
Out of nowhere, Scully appeared. "Don't do it, Mulder! I have him." But
he'd gone too far, he was over the edge, nothing was going to stop him now.
Except Scully's bullet. He felt his eyes open in shock as the impact of the
shot flung him to the ground. Scully shot me, he thought, as the ground
whirled up to meet him. Somehow, it was no more surprising than anything else
that had happened.
Then everything went black, and it was all over.
From Alex Krycek's diary:
I talked to Mulder about killing once, in Montana, on that Kafka Killer
case. When are you justified in killing someone? It all seemed so theoretical
then, even though I had killed that man, Augustus Cole. But it wasn't something
I did deliberately, in cold blood. I thought he had a gun. I thought he was
going to shoot Mulder. I did it to protect him, and I'd do it again. The stuff
with the tram operator and Duane Barrythat was to protect Mulder, too,
although he probably wouldn't see it that way. But I knew if he got too close
they'd kill him. They weren't going to let him save Scully, no matter what,
they'd made that clear to me. His only chance, and hers, was to let them take
her, and do what they were going to do with her. I did it for him.
Can I make myself believe I did this for him, too? I killed his father.
God. A sick old man in his bathroom, standing there with a bottle of pills in
his hand, looking at me with sad, empty eyes. He didn't look scared, or even
surprised. He looked resigned, as though he'd been expecting me. Hell, maybe he
had. He must have known they wouldn't let him live, if he wasn't going to play
their game any more. Maybe he even wanted it. Maybe he was tired of it all, and
just wanted it to be over. He just stood there and stared at me. He didn't say
anything or try to get away. He just stood there and let it happen.
It must have taken only a few seconds. I stepped out from behind the shower
curtain while his back was turned, and he saw me in the medicine cabinet
mirror. He turned, and our eyes met, and we both knew what was going to happen,
almost as if it was preordained. I wasn't even aware of the gun in my hand, or
lifting it, or firing. I think the report of the gun was more of a shock to me
than it was to him. Something in me wanted to stay and watch his life drain
away. It seemed as if it was my right, even my duty, to stay and see him on his
way. But of course I couldn'tMulder was in the next room, and I had to be
gone before he rushed into the bathroom and found me there.
I couldn't help wishing I could stay there with them, though. I don't know
what I thought would happen if Mulder ran in and saw me there, standing over
his dead father. Maybe I thought I'd comfort him in his grief. Maybe I wanted
him to hurt me, even kill me, to punish me for all the pain I've caused him.
Maybe I just wanted to see him again, I don't know. But I kept having this
ridiculous feeling, all the time I was driving away, that I should have stayed
with him, that it was wrong to run away like that. Maybe I was just remembering
that last night before I had to leave, after Scully was taken, when he begged
me to stay with him and I couldn't do it. I was foolish enough then to think
there was still a chance we could work things out, that I could explain to him
why I'd done what I'd done and maybe he'd forgive me and everything would be
all right. Sometimes I wish I'd gone ahead and spent one more night with him.
Hell, it's not like the sacrifice did either of us any good in the long run.
Stupid of me to think that being able to say, "Well, I didn't sleep with you
after I helped them take Scully" was going to somehow make him hate me any
less.
And now I'm a murderer. A professional hitman. Someone told me, "Go kill
this man," and I did it. I still can't really believe it. Could there have been
another way? Something else I could have done? Well, yes, I could have told him
no, I wouldn't do it. And then he would have killed me, because he couldn't
take the chance that I'd go to Mulder with what I know. And he would have
killed Samantha, and that would have destroyed Mulder. Unless my nameless boss
was lying to me about that. Hell, I wouldn't know Samantha if I saw her, so how
would I know if he'd killed her? He might have just been telling me that to
make me do what he wanted. But even if he was, that just means he would have
gotten someone else to kill Mulder's father, and I'd still be dead, and it
still wouldn't have helped Mulder any. Hell. Should I have gone to Mulder, told
him I'd tell him everything, and hoped he'd be able (and willing) to protect
me?
It's too late now. I thought maybe it wasn't. Stupid. I thought maybe I
could still go to him and explain. He doesn't know I killed his father, I
thought, maybe I can talk to him. If I can just get him to listen to me, maybe
I can still make things right. Ha. He didn't even give me a chance, he just
grabbed me and started hitting me and demanding to know if I'd killed his
father. God, how did he know? I'm sure he didn't see me. Does he just hate me
so much that he assumes I'm responsible for every tragedy that happens in his
life? His face was so full of hate, I couldn't even speak. Not even to lie to
him. Or to tell him the truth. If Scully hadn't shown up when she did, he would
have killed me. I shouldn't have gone so soon. I should have waited a while to
let him get over it a little. Or hell, I should just give up and admit that
Mulder is never, ever going to forgive me. My life is a sorry mess. What's left
of it, anyway. Now I'm stuck doing that cigarette-smoking bastard's dirty work
until he gets tired of me and has me killed. Maybe I should have just let
Mulder do it, at least I could have died knowing I'd given him some
satisfaction.
How did I end up like this? I never wanted to kill anyone. I know it was
wrong, but I didn't know what else to do. God, Mulder, please forgive me. I
love you, god help me, I still love you.
|
He was vaguely aware of Scully pressing her hand to the gunshot wound she'd
given him. And vaguely aware of being half-led, half-carried to a car, being
bundled into the back seat, covered with a blanket and told to rest. And it
seemed that he trusted her after all, even with her wound in his shoulder,
because he shut his eyes obediently and went to sleep, knowing that whatever
she was doing, it would be all right.
He half-dozed throughout the long days that followed, drifting along with
the rhythm of the car engine's hum, between sweet dreams of summer afternoons
napping in the sun, and raddled nightmares of his father lying in his blood on
the bathroom floor, Krycek pressed against the hood of a car with his mouth
bleeding and his eyes staring, and Scully standing grimly behind the flash of a
gun, and tearing agony in his shoulder.
He finally opened his eyes to sense and reality in a hotel room in
Farmington, New Mexico. Scully was bathing his brow with a cool cloth, and a
Navajo man named Albert stood calmly in the background. Out in the quarry, a
boxcar lay buried, and in it, the bodies of many small, inhuman creatures.
Creatures with long-fingered hands and large, pear-shaped heads with huge
eye-sockets. Mulder stood among the bodies and excitedly called Scully on his
cell phone, while the Navajo boy, Albert's grandson, kept watch from above.
The sound of a helicopter impinged on his consciousness, but he ignored it.
Not this time, Mulder insisted. This time it would not all be snatched
away from him, just as he was about to have what he needed. This time he would
have his answers. This time....
The boxcar's hatch slammed shut, leaving him in utter darkness. His cell
phone cut out. His enemies had arrived. Scrambling in the dark, he found a
door, which led to a tunnel into the rocks, and he flung himself into it.
Desperately, he crawled into the earth. He felt the thrum of the helicopter
landing. Rocks rattled and pinged around him. Pressure sang in his ears, and
his injured shoulder throbbed. Then the explosion ripped through the ground,
and the tunnel collapsed and twisted around him. He felt that the earth was
swallowing him up. "Scully," he whispered to the rocks, then his mind
sank into blackness.
He seemed to be lying on a bed of branches under the starry desert sky. He
seemed to hear chanting and smell sweet, aromatic smoke. He did not know where
he was, but he wasn't troubled. It seemed that he'd come here for a reason, and
he had only to wait patiently, and the answers would come to him. He seemed to
hear the voice of his mentor, the man he'd known only as Deep Throat, now a
year dead. He seemed to see his father, who told him things he'd always known
but never realized. Down below, in the world of the living, learning these
things would be harsh and painful, but up here in the sky they were merely
interesting facts. Mulder drifted on the breeze, light as a feather. Only the
thinnest cord held him to the earth. It could easily break and let him float
away, and for a time, he was content to drift, not caring whether the cord held
or not. But eventually, he felt the cord tug at him. His mother still dwelt
below. Scully. Samantha. He had unfinished business, and it was time to get on
with it. So he closed his eyes, then opened them again, and he was lying on a
bed of branches on the ground in a Navajo lodge, with Albert and others of his
tribe looking on, welcoming him home.
As soon as he was able, he went homefirst to his mother, to reassure her
that he was all right and, yes, to ask her about his father, and about the
past. In the basement, he found an old photograph of his father with a group of
men. His mother's mouth tightened as she looked at it, but she insisted she
didn't remember who any of them were. He took the photo and left.
He returned to his apartment. Where Scully was holding a gun on Skinner,
who was holding a gun on Scully, who said she'd been warned that someone she
trusted would try to kill her. He didn't know the story but he knew who he
trustedMulder added his gun to Scully's. After some tense moments, it shook
out like this: Skinner had the DAT tape, and would hold it for safekeeping,
while Mulder and Scully continued their search for the truth.
At the Lone Gunman offices, they inspected Mulder's photograph with Langly
and Byers, and discovered that Mulder's father had consorted with Nazi war
criminals. Then Frohike burst in with a hug for Mulder, who he had feared was
dead, and bad news for Scullyher sister had been shot, and was in the
hospital in critical condition.
Scully's sister, Melissa. The New Age mystic, who talked of healing
crystals and auras and dark places of the soul, as opposite from her
scientific, skeptical little sister as she could be. Mulder had to admit his
first thought was, Thank god it wasn't Scully. His second was to stop
Scully from rushing to the hospital to see her, although it broke her heart to
stay away. It wasn't safe; the bastards were after her now, and would surely be
at the hospital waiting for her. They had to stay out of sight, and they had to
keep searching for the truth.
But this time, there was something more important than the truth. And it
was Scully, straight-backed and stiff, saying grimly, "I need to see my
sister." So he told Skinner to make the deal: the tape and the information on
it, for his and Scully's jobs and their safety. They would find their answers,
but they would find them another way.
Sadly, it was too late to save Melissa Scully.
"I don't have the tape," Skinner told them, in his office, after it was all
over. "It was Albert, and the other codetalkers, and their incredible memories,
I used to make the deal. I lost the tape at the hospital, when I went to see
your mother." He nodded to Scully, then looked at Mulder thoughtfully. The two
agents sat across from him at his huge oak deskan imposing man, with an
imposing desk, in an imposing office. Mulder always felt a little like a
schoolboy called to the principal's office in Skinner's grand and intimidating
presence.
"There was a man outside the hospital room. Albert said he'd been there all
day, watching. So I went after him, to find out what he was doing there. I was
in the stairwell when he and two other men attacked me. Two of them held me
while the third hit me, and took the tape." He paused, again covering Mulder
with that appraising stare. There was a bruise on his jaw. "The third man was
Krycek."
Mulder felt every muscle in his body clench. It took every ounce of
strength he had to force himself to remain sitting, to remain silent, to keep
the grimace from his face. "He hit you?" he asked. His voice was strained and
rough. God, Mulder. What a stupid thing to say! He felt his face burn.
Skinner stared at him. "Yes, Agent Mulder. Several times. Looked like he
was enjoying it, too."
"I...." Mulder cleared his throat. What was he going to say? What was he
wearing? How did he look? Did he mention me? "I wish you could have caught
him."
"So do I, Agent Mulder. So do I."
Mulder nodded slightly, determined to keep his mouth shut. In his mind, the
images roiled: Krycek, as he had been outside Mulder's apartment building. Hair
long and shiny as silk, black leather jacket and blue jeans, shockingly
beautiful, an explosive, smoldering presence. A traitor and murderer.
Mulder felt Scully's elbow nudge surreptitiously against his, and he
abruptly let out a long breath that he didn't know he'd been holding. So Krycek
had the tape. Krycek had the tape, and silky-dark hair that fell in his eyes
when he slammed back against a brick wall, and his fist had made the bruise on
Skinner's jaw. Mulder swallowed, and wanted to get up and run out of the room.
He wanted to run after Krycek.
From Alex Krycek's diary:
The son of a bitch tried to kill me. Car bomb, as we were heading out of
D.C. to New York. We stopped at a convenience store, and the other guys went in
to get beer and sodas, and Luis kept asking me if I wanted anything, as if he
cared. And the two of them stopped in the doorway of the store and stood there,
looking back at me and it just gave me the creeps. Then I looked at the
dashboard clock and it was flashing 12:00, 12:00, 12:00, and I just knew. So I
slammed out of there and ran like hell, and the damn car blew up right behind
me. Five seconds later and I'd be dead. Fuck. My hands are still shaking.
I've got the tape, though. I've got the goddamned DAT tape, that I beat up
Skinner for. I don't even know why I hit him so hard, except that I was so mad
and so frustrated and so miserable, I just wanted to beat hell out of somebody,
and he was there so I did it. Well, actually, I wanted somebody to beat hell
out of me, but sometimes you have to be on top to be on the bottom.
I called up the son of a bitch and told him his bomb didn't work. I
probably should have just run, but what the hell. He was going to find out
anyway, and I wanted the pleasure of telling him myself. Jesus, he's a cool
one. Didn't even flinch. Of course, he had to keep up the cover for the rest of
the gang, but Christ, you could almost swear he was happy to hear from me. Son
of a bitch tried to kill me. Because I wouldn't shoot Scully, because I let
Luis kill her sister instead. God. A completely innocent woman. That face is
going to haunt me for the rest of my life. This is the worst thing I've ever
done, worse than killing Mulder's father, who at least was a player himself,
and nobody could have called him an innocent bystander. But Melissa Scully.
There's no possible justification for letting her die. I could have stopped
Luis from shooting herI knew it wasn't Scully the minute she walked in the
door. Too tall. Too much hair. And she just didn't walk right. But I let him
shoot, because if it wasn't her it would have been Scully, and I couldn't let
them kill Scully. Mulder needs her. He'd be lost without her. And I'll go to
hell and suffer for all eternity, but I won't let them take Scully away from
him again.
He tried to kill me. I just can't believe this. And just two days ago the
son of a bitch was telling me how much he liked me, and wanted me to be happy.
Fucking liar. "I'm doing this for you," he told me. "I want you to forget about
Mulder and the FBI. I want to bring you up in the organization. But you have to
do some of the dirty work first, that's part of the process. Everyone starts at
the bottom." You could almost believe he was sincere, the way he stood there
with his blue eyes and his calm cool voice and his damned cigarettes. "I could
help you. I could be like a father to you. I know your own family life hasn't
been ideal." Well, my father might be a cold, demanding son of a bitch, but he
never made me kill anybody. He even told meJesus, he told me, "You shouldn't
feel so bad about what you've done. He wasn't really Mulder's father." As if
that was supposed to help! Even if I believed him, how the hell is that
supposed to make it any better? "Gee, Mulder, don't be mad. I know I killed the
man who raised you, who was married to your mother, but he wasn't really your
father so you shouldn't be so upset." Yeah, right. Well, we all know how
sincere you were now. Car bomb, that's how sincere you were.
So. Well. Guess I'm out of a job. And that's a relief, even if it means I'm
a fugitive with an international consortium trying to kill me. At least I don't
have to hurt Mulder any more. There's no way anybody can ever make me hurt
Mulder again. So I'm glad, even if it means spending the rest of my life
running. My career as a member of the Mission Impossible team is over. Now I'm
starring in The Fugitive. Or hell, maybe it's La Traviata. Violetta left
Alfredo and now her time's running out. Car bombs or consumption, it's all the
same.
Oh god. I guess I'd better scrounge up a passport and some cash and get out
of the country, if I can. Goodbye, Mulder. You won't believe I did it for you,
but I did. That hurts worse than anything, thinking about not seeing you again.
I love you, Mulder. Goodbye.
|
It took him longer to come back this time. Each loss cut a little deeper,
left another scar that wouldn't heal. First Samantha, all those years ago. Then
Scully, although he got her back, and Krycek, whom he didn't. He got Samantha
back, only to lose her again. Now his father, and Scully's sister. He made the
long journey back, from the desert, from the dry, cold places of his soul, but
he left something there as well. Not his determination, not his dedication to
his quest. If anything, that was stronger than ever. He'd been hurt too much to
ever let go of that until he'd found the answers to his questions. He still had
his job, and Scully, and on the surface everything was the same. What was
missing was a little of the spark, the tease, the playfulness. What was missing
was the man who'd grin and say, Nobody down here but the FBI's most
unwanted; who'd order pizza at four A.M. and show up at a friend's door
with it and invite himself in to watch TV; who'd sit on the couch listening to
opera on the stereo and turning a small gold foil crane in his hands, smiling
to himself.
But they went on, he and Scully, and they had some successes. He felt
closer to her than ever, although, strangely, more distant as well. He worried
about her, and what his quest was doing to her. He worried about what caring
for her was doing to him. He remembered losing her, and didn't want to feel
that pain again. He strained toward her, and away from her, and somehow
maintained a balance. It wasn't always easy, but she was there, and that was
enough.
It was a midsummer morning, fresh and bright. Later in the day, the
oppressive sun would turn the air hot and sticky. But in the hour of sunrise,
with the sky fading from pale robin's egg stained with pink to clear,
crystalline blue, the day was intoxicating in its newness. As Mulder circled
his neighborhood on his morning run, he reflected that sometimes, a sky like
this was all a person needed to feel that life was worth living. Not often, but
often enough to remind him that there was a world out there, turning
inexorably, following laws of physics and nature that had no concern for him
and his quest.
Mulder was smiling to himself as he ran up the front stairs of his
building, unlocked the downstairs door, and into the elevator. He was even
humming as he stood in front of his apartment door, fumbling with his keys.
Then there was a something hard and cold pressing into the middle of his
back, and a hot hand gripping tightly at his shoulder, and a voice that was
painfully familiar despite the months since he'd heard it whispering in his
ear, "Just open the door and go on in. You and I are going to have that talk."
Mulder sat on his couch, hands clenched rigidly into fists, mouth pressed
into a tight bow. His breath burned in his lungs, and his heart thudded
viciously against his chest. From the corner of his eye he measured the
distance to his gun in the desk drawer across the room. It was pure exercise,
he knewhe was not going to get past the man stalking back and forth in front
of him like a caged beast, gun waving nerve-wrackingly freely at his side.
It was yet another version of Alex Krycek holding Mulder at gunpoint in his
own apartment. The leather jacket was the same. Black jeans and a faded blue
tee-shirt. But the dark hair was cropped short now, and rumpled as if it had
never been combed, and the thick-lashed eyes were haunted and rimmed with red.
The smooth, youthful cheeks were unshaven, and the loose-limbed gait had grown
sudden and explosive. The life he'd chosen was not faring well with him.
"You look like hell," Mulder muttered. Krycek's pacing was getting on his
nerves. Why didn't the man just get on with whatever he'd come here for?
"Yeah, well, you'd look like hell too if you had a contract out on you.
It's hell on your sleep." The words came out in breathy little bursts,
punctuated by jabs of his gun into the air between them. It made Mulder's chest
itch.
"Your master turn on his dog?" Mulder filled his voice with as much venom
as he could muster.
Krycek stopped and stood staring at Mulder, his face a strange mixture of
anger, resentment, pain and longing. No longer the innocent child, but not the
cold beauty either. This Krycek was hot enough to scald. Mulder could barely
look at him. "I didn't come here to talk about that." His voice was strained
and curiously soft.
"What did you come to talk about? You want to tell me how you killed my
father?"
"Things happen." Krycek resumed his pacing. But this time it was awkward,
confused, as if he couldn't decide where to step next, as if he were trapped,
with nowhere to go. "It was my fault, but it wasn't all my fault. You promised
we'd talk. I wanted to tell you, Mulder, but you wouldn't let me. It could have
been so different, if you'd given me a chance...."
Mulder felt his chest tighten in shock and anger. "Are you insane? You want
to sit down and have a little talk about our relationship, now? After
everything that's happened? After everything you've done?" His body began to
ache from the effort to stay still, to refrain from jumping up to punch, to
hit, to punish this man, whom he'd brought into his bed, who had betrayed him
so deeply. He pushed his hands beneath him, and sat with his teeth bared. His
gun, across the room, loomed large in his vision.
"Jesus, Mulder, don't be an idiot." Krycek took a step forward, gun pointed
straight at Mulder's forehead, hands suddenly steady as a rock. Mulder froze.
This was a man with a gun, he reminded himself. A strained and desperate man.
Then the gun drooped, and Krycek's shoulders slumped. And there was just a hint
of the unhappy man who'd sat on the end of a bed in a hotel room in Montana,
shaken and disappointed because he hadn't managed to face up to a harrowing
case. The moment hit Mulder with a shaft of pain, almost as hard as a bullet
from a gun. Krycek continued, sounding horribly like that unhappy young FBI
agent. "I don't expect you to forgive me. I don't expect anything. I'm leaving
the country tonight, and I won't be back. It didn't... nothing turned out the
way I wanted it to. I just want you to listen to me"
"Tell me about my father, Krycek." Mulder couldn't stop his voice from
rising. "Tell me about Scully, how you helped them take her. Tell me about"
"Damn it, Mulder, will you just for once listen to me?" Krycek stepped
forward, then whirled away, his left hand coming up to gesture helplessly.
Mulder was halfway off the couch before Krycek turned back, gun once more
trained steadily on his former partner. His face twisted, and his voice was
full of tears. "You never listen. Why won't you just listen to me?"
Mulder gritted his teeth and bit back several retorts. It was all too
surreal to be taken seriously. Here stood a man who'd betrayed him, hurt him
and Scully, murdered his fathercomplaining about Mulder's relationship
inadequacies like an angry lover. A man with a gun. Mulder sank down into the
couch, easing his hands into his lap. "All right," he said calmly. "Tell me
what you came to say."
Krycek swallowed, and wiped his face on the sleeve of his leather jacket.
"I was working for him. You know who I mean. He recruited me when I was in the
Academy, for special ops. You know, the investigations behind the
investigations. Mission Impossible stuff. I thought... I don't know what I
thought. But what he told me about youit didn't take me long to figure out
it wasn't true. But I didn't know what to do." Krycek had stopped pacing. He
stared somewhere at the wall near Mulder's head. Mulder watched the gun hand,
seeing the muscles gradually relax, biding his time.
"I couldn't quit. I didn't know what he'd do to me." Krycek laughed
ruefully. "Now I know. Car bomb. He tried to kill me, but I'm not as stupid as
he thinks." He smiled at Mulder, with a look that was friendly, almost
affectionate. "Not as stupid as you think, either. Anyway, I thought it would
be better for you if I stayed. I could protect you, if things got too crazy. I
could keep them from hurting you, as much as I could. I wanted to tell you, but
I was afraid. I knew you wouldn't believe me. You'd refuse to work with me, and
they'd put someone else on you and I wouldn't be able to protect you. I
tried... not to let... things happen." His face twisted again in pain. "I knew
it was wrong, but I couldn't help it. There was nothing I could tell you that
would make sense. But after Montana I knew I had to tell you the truth, even if
it meant the end of everything. I just couldn't go on the way things were."
The hand holding the gun was loose at Krycek's side. Krycek stared at the
wall and, just for a moment, pressed his eyes tightly shut.
It was all the moment Mulder needed. He launched himself off the couch, and
onto Krycek with all his strength. They both went crashing to the floor, the
gun flying loose and skittering across the hardwood floor and under the desk.
Mulder could smell the leather of Krycek's jacket, and the musk of his
fear. Krycek lay quiescent under him, arms curved at the elbow, open-palmed
hands flat on the floor. His face was anguished, but there was no resistance in
it. Mulder could feel Krycek's heart thudding against his chest through the
fabric of his blue tee-shirt. He could feel the hard column of flesh at
Krycek's crotch, pressing against his pelvis.
Time seemed to slow to a molasses crawl. He had Krycek under him, helpless,
unresisting. He felt as though he stood on the edge of a cliff, looking down a
long and dizzying depth. Lust for vengeance held him up, but another lust
tickled at the back of his knees and shifted the ground beneath him. Krycek:
lying quiescent, heart pounding, staring at him. Helpless.
Punish him. Mulder's mouth came down on Krycek's, hard and devouring. The
little flinch and gasp could have been desire, could have been pain. Either
response was satisfying. He took Krycek's face in his hands, opened his mouth
and ravaged his conquest, uncaring whether his teeth were too rough, or his
tongue too deep. He could feel Krycek's whole body trembling, feet scrabbling
for purchase as he attempted to push his hips further under Mulder's. Hands
came up to grip Mulder's forearms. And Krycek kissed him back, the wild
creature within him unleashed.
Mulder almost laughed, a hollow sound between the mouths struggling into
each other. As if he had discovered the true Krycek at last, in this rough
possession. Discovered that here was a body he could do with as he pleased,
control and punish and hurt if he liked, and no one could say he was wrong. The
memory of Montana switched on in his brain: the second night, when they
returned to the hotel, Krycek unhappy and agitated. Hurt me, Mulder,
he'd insisted. Hit me. I can't stand it like this. Mulder felt his chest
swell with a terrible, triumphant glow.
Mulder pushed himself to his knees, planted on the floor on either side of
Krycek's hips. He sat upright, buttocks settled onto Krycek's strong, hard
thighs, pulling Krycek up with him by his left hand, gripping a fistful of
Krycek's shirt. Still, there was no resistance. Not even when Mulder drew his
arm back and slapped Krycek hard across the face. He felt Krycek's cock jump in
his jeans, as Krycek cried out, eyes pressed tightly shut.
Mulder shook him, twice, by the fist still twisted in his shirt. "Look at
me!" he hissed. Krycek's eyes opened. They were dark and cloudy, swallowed up
by wide, inky irises. His jaw was slack. Mulder could see the handprint forming
on his jaw, the slight swelling in his full, round lip. He didn't think he'd
ever seen anything so beautiful. Again, his mouth crushed against Krycek's,
deliberately tasting the heat and tenderness of his blow on the other man's
face.
He pulled away, licking his lips, thoughtful now. Whatever else happened
today, he was going to fuck Alex Krycek. But the logistics required a little
thought. It would be a pleasure just to do it here and now, turn the man over
and pull down his jeans and pound him into the floor. Unfortunately, the lube
and condoms were in the bedroom. And getting from here to there might pose a
problem. Krycek was pliant enough at the moment, but try to get up and haul him
off to another room, and he might decide to fight. Both of their guns were out
of easy reach. Mulder shifted slightly, pressing his burning cock into Krycek's
crotch. Both Krycek's slack-jawed moan and the knife-sharp stab of need through
his own groin were deliciously satisfying. Slowly, he began to push Krycek back
to the floor, rubbing his crotch into Krycek's as he did so.
He was smiling when he had Krycek lying once again on his back, breathing
heavily and worrying at the swollen corner of his lip with his tongue. Krycek
was calmer now, his face had cleared, and he lay quietly, hands loose at his
shoulders, waiting. Almost as if this was what he had come for, or hoped for.
And perhaps it was. Then, wouldn't he have come prepared? With a soft
chuckle, still holding Krycek still by the throat, Mulder searched out the
pockets of Krycek's leather jacket and thrust a hand deep within them, one by
one. And was rewarded with what he neededseveral condoms and a small tube of
lubricant. He tossed them out onto the floor at his right hand.
"Thank you," Mulder whispered. "This makes things much easier. Did they
teach you this in black ops? Always come prepared for any eventuality?"
Krycek's eyes rolled back, and his mouth worked, but he didn't answer.
"You're right," Mulder agreed. "What is there to talk about? Let's just get
on with it." He released Krycek's shirt and moved back, lifting himself up onto
his knees. "Turn over."
Between his legs, Krycek turned. Not as if he were following orders, but
just as if he were finally being given the opportunity to do what he wanted all
along. Cradling his head in his arms, he settled himself onto his stomach.
A powerful thrill coursed through Mulder, at the sight of his enemy and
former partner face down on the floor between Mulder's legs. The black leather
jacket billowed out around him. His tender, reddened cheek lay crushed in his
arms. His thick eyelashes brushed his sleeve. The round mounds of his bottom
lay, covered by denim that would soon be removed, below the supple black
leather of his jacket. Beautiful. He had always been beautiful, but he had been
a liar, never truly Mulder's until now. He leaned forward to place one soft
kiss on the back of Krycek's neck. "Open your pants," he whispered into
Krycek's ear, nibbling at the lobe. Then he sat back again, up on his knees to
allow Krycek the necessary room to move.
Krycek struggled awkwardly, lifting his hips to get his hands underneath
himself, weight balanced on his chest and knees. Mulder enjoyed watching this,
too. He waited while Krycek worked the buttons open, then stopped him with a
hand on his wrist when he took the waistband of his jeans and began to push
them down. "I'll do that," Mulder said, and Krycek acquiesced, bringing his
arms back up to pillow his head.
Mulder took the waistband of Krycek's jeans in his hands, and began to work
them down over the smooth, pale marble of Krycek's hips. Strong and muscular
and still well-paddedhe'd been eating well, despite being on the run, Mulder
noted wryly. That was as it should be. He liked Krycek's body this way. He left
the jeans at Krycek's thighs, and reached for the tube of lubricant. He found
that his hands were trembling as he uncapped the tube and squeezed some of the
cool, slippery gel onto his fingers. Too many unwanted memories came rushing
back as he slid his fingers between Krycek's buttocks and into his anus. He
felt his face burning as his fingers moved in the hot, moist flesh. He
remembered the first time he'd entered Krycek's body, how wonderful it had felt
to touch him inside, how amazing it had been to be allowed this intimacy. He'd
wondered then why Krycek let him do it, how it could feel that good, and he
wondered now even more. Krycek had come here for this? To give himself to a man
he'd betrayed?
Almost in a trance, Mulder knelt over Krycek's body, fingers moving
carefully until he found the round lump of Krycek's prostate, and began to
stroke it slowly. Krycek moaned, and his fists opened and closed, and his hips
squirmed into Mulder's hands. It was so like it had been before, Mulder could
almost forget they weren't still in Montana. Except they were in the floor in
Mulder's apartment, and Krycek was in black leather and denim, and everything
had changed.
Everything except this: Krycek's body passive and receptive and hot as a
furnace, soft little moans escaping his throat like tiny fluttering birds, and
tears dampening his long eyelashes.
Mulder groaned and fell forward, covering Krycek's body with his own. He
withdrew his fingers and worked his own pants down past his stiff cock, just as
awkwardly as Krycek had done. Impatiently cursing under his breath, he sat up
again to find one of the condoms in the floor, and hurriedly put it on.
Then he moved his legs between Krycek's, spreading him wide and ready for
fucking. He paused a moment, kneading Krycek's buttocks in his hands, gently at
first, then harder, until he was pinching them roughly. Still, Krycek's only
response was to moan a little louder. With a sigh, and holding Krycek's
buttocks open, he let himself settle onto the leather-clad back. The smell of
leather and sweat was sharp and heady. He gripped Krycek around the throat with
one hand, holding him firmly, and with the other hand, took his cock and began
to press into Krycek's anus.
Mulder could hurt him now, but there was no need, he was already conquered.
He could concentrate on pleasure now, on working his cock slowly in, on feeling
the tight, hot muscles squeezing him, on overcoming the body's last resistance
until his cock slid fully home. Then he took a deep breath and lay for a
moment, stroking Krycek's hair and staring off into the distance. It could have
been like this... or could it? Had there ever been a time when this was not a
lie?
No. Mulder must not let himself be fooled by Krycek's deceptive innocence
again. He must not fall into Krycek's trap.
But he would fuck him. Mulder lifted his hips, withdrawing his cock until
only the head was inserted, then slowly plunging it in to its full depth. Again
and again, he indulged in long, slow, deep strokes. He took Krycek by the hips
and lifted him slightly, adjusting the angle so he could make his deepest
entrance. It was good, never mind the rest, forget everything but this
shiveringly sweet pleasure. He chuckled softly, and whispered to Krycek, "No
guilt and no regrets." Tears flowed beautifully from Krycek's eyes, and he
licked them from the damp cheek.
Then he thrust hard. Smiling to himself with terrible pleasure, he fucked
Alex Krycek hard, until Krycek jerked with a gurgling cry, and his anus
twitched on Mulder's cock, and Mulder fucked him harder, in a frenzy of lust,
until his own orgasm took him, and everything melted away.
Mulder groaned, and rolled off of Krycek's back, grimacing slightly as he
pulled his cock free. He stood, a little unsteadily, on knees still watery from
an orgasm that had ripped through his entire body like a ravaging fever. He
stared down at Krycek, lying unmoving on the floor, except for the rise and
fall of his back under the leather jacket. There was an odd rushing sound in
his ears. God, what had he been thinking? Well, obviously he hadn't been
thinking. He'd been angry; flush with adrenaline, and it had spilled over into
leftover lust. No doubt Krycek was still beautiful. Even more so now, in his
leather and denim. But he was evil, a liar and a murderer, and Mulder did not
want him lying in his floor.
"You...." There was a strange catch in his voice. He cleared his throat and
started again. "You'd better go. Before I lose the afterglow and decide it's
worth the cleanup and disposal problems to kill you."
Krycek stirred, one hand coming up to wipe at his face, legs curling under
him. He looked in no better shape than Mulder. With a disgusted groan, Mulder
walked over to the wastebasket by the desk, stripping off the condom as he
went, and tossing it angrily into the trash. Stupid, he told himself as he
pulled up his sweatpants. He was going to be late for work, and what could he
say? Alex Krycek stopped by for a quick fuck and I lost track of time.
He should arrest him. Now? With a used condom in the trash and Krycek's semen
all over his living room floor? Just get the man out of here. He snatched up
his own gun, then leaned down to scoop up Krycek's gun from under the desk
where it had slid. He should just keep the damned thingbut it would only get
him in trouble somehow. Was this the gun that had killed his father? No way he
could have it testedhow would he explain how he'd gotten it? He'd just end
up framing himself, as Krycek had wanted all along. With his own gun tucked
under his arm, he popped open Krycek's revolver, determined at least not to
give Krycek back a loaded gun.
All the chambers were empty. Mulder turned, staring at the man now standing
shakily behind him, buttoning up his jeans. He'd come here with an unloaded
gun.
"What's the matter, Krycek? Can't afford ammo?"
Krycek snatched the gun from Mulder's hand. And Mulder let him take it.
They'd gone insane, he thought. Both of them.
"I don't want to hurt you, Mulder. You know that."
"But you came here with a gun."
"The last time I came here to talk to you, you tried to kill me. I just
wanted to make you listen to me, that's all."
"Well, have you said what you came to say?"
Krycek stared somewhere in the middle of Mulder's shirt. "Yeah. I guess."
His lower lip trembled. Mulder suppressed the urge to suck on it.
Krycek tucked the gun into its holster behind his back, and walked over to
the door. "I won't bother you again." He looked back at Mulder. And there he
was: wide-eyed and innocent, so sweet it would break your heart. Not even the
bruise developing on the side of his face could spoil that aching sweetness.
Mulder swallowed, hard, and closed his eyes. He heard the door open.
"I meant what I said, Mulder. There were things I lied to you about, but
never about that. I love you."
The door closed. Mulder pressed his eyes tightly shut, and stood there by
his desk. "Alex...." I don't believe you. But he couldn't force himself
to say the words.
And Alex wasn't there to hear them, anyway.
I won't bother you again. If only that were true. But Alex Krycek
continued to bother him. In the morning when he returned from his morning jog
(would he feel that gun at his back again? the hot hand on his shoulder, the
warm breath in his ear?) at midday when he and Scully went out for lunch
(Want to go to McDonald's? I could sure go for a Big Mac) in the evening
when he sat on his couch and stared at the spot on the floor where he'd mopped
up the puddle of Krycek's semen (thinking to himself, I know what this
tastes like) late at night when he couldn't sleep and reached for the phone
and had the number half punched out before he remembered.
But Krycek wouldn't be back. He was leaving the country, he'd said.
Cancerman had tried to kill him, and he was now on the run. Did he still have
the tape he'd stolen from Skinner? What would he do? Where would he go? Not
that it mattered. Mulder would never see him again.
There were things I lied to you about, but never about that. The
words haunted him. He kept replaying the incident over and over again in his
mind. The anguish in Krycek's face; the agitated confession; the strange
passivity; the empty gunhe saw it all happening with crystal clarity, but
when he tried to analyze it, to figure out reasons, his mind went numb and
refused to look at it. Something nagged at him, something that wanted to
suggest that Krycek was right, it was at least partly Mulder's fault, that he
had never given Krycek the chance to tell him the truth when he'd wanted to.
He'd seen the big eyes and delicate features and heard the breathy voice, and
invented an Alex Krycek in his mind to go along with the pictures he'd created,
refusing to look at the real man behind those eyes. Should he have sat Krycek
down and talked to himreally talked, the way he'd once promised they would?
But that was ridiculous. Krycek had betrayed him and Scully, had killed his
father. No matter what Mulder had done wrong, it was nothing compared to
Krycek's crimes. There was nothing to be gained by listening to his excuses.
Nothing Krycek could say would make it all right.
Nothing.
Several more months passed. They got close againbeginning with a
ridiculous phony-looking alien autopsy tape that Mulder had found advertised in
the back of a magazine, which turned out to be not so phony. But once again,
when all was over, they were left with more questions than answers. And Scully
met a group of women who'd all found implants in the back of their necks, like
the one Scully had. A group of women who were all dying of various cancers,
most likely caused by the experiments they'd been subjected to. Branched DNA.
And Scully, lying near death in a hospital bed, her body ravaged almost beyond
repair....
Mulder had always been willing to sacrifice whatever was necessary of
himself to pursue his search for the truth. He cared little enough for his own
life, if he could spend it in the realization of his quest. He almost expected
to die in ithe couldn't really imagine life beyond the search. But the
othershis family, his friends, Scully and her familynone of them should
have to suffer for their involvement with him. Especially not Scully. But she'd
been abducted, experimented on, lost her sister, and now it seemed that her
health might be irrevocably damaged, all because she'd chosen to join him in
his quest. Perhaps Krycek had had the right idea, after allbeing Mulder's
partner was too much of a liability. Much safer to stay on the other side. Not
that Krycek was in any better shape. Marked for death and on the runand why?
Why would Cancerman turn on him, and try to kill him? Krycek had done his dirty
work, right down the line. Was it true, that he'd tried to quit? That he'd
intended to tell Mulder the truth, that last night in Montana? That he'd
changed sides, and that was why Cancerman no longer trusted him?
Then Krycek's pain was Mulder's responsibility, too, and Mulder couldn't
bear to think about that. So he pushed those thoughts firmly aside, and all the
while at the back of his mind, Krycek's voice tormented him: You never
listen to me. If Mulder could have covered his ears against the sound, he
would have.
I'm still not listening.
The next time, it was a French salvage ship that limped into San Diego
harbor with all its crewexcept for one mandying of extreme radiation
burns. Mulder followed the surviving diver to San Francisco, then the return
address on a letter in the diver's home led him to a salvage broker named Jerry
(with a "J") Kallenchuk, whom he followed to Hong Kong.
And she led him to Alex Krycek.
It was the last thing he would ever have expected, yet it had a strange
inevitability about it. That he should be standing here in a small, dark office
in Hong Kong, backlit in lurid red from the neon outside the window, with a
woman handcuffed to his wrist, and Alex Krycek standing in the shadows with a
gun pointed in Mulder's face. Sweaty and red-eyed and grim, like a desperate
creature that had been chased and harried through forest and dale, culvert and
cave, run to ground and then flushed from its hiding place, survival the only
instinct left. Mulder's heart lurched, and then raced, and nearly pounded
through his chest.
"Krycek...." His voice sounded strange in his own ears. His mind
spun crazily, not knowing whether to laugh or scream. If he hadn't been
handcuffed to Kallenchuk, he might have flung himself onto Krycek. Whether to
squeeze the life from his throat, or to embrace him in joy, he didn't know.
Stop it, he ordered himself roughly. Get a grip. This man is
evil. He is a liar and a murderer. He's been selling top-secret information to
foreign governments. He is my enemy. "I thought guns were illegal in Hong
Kong."
"You know what they saywhen guns are outlawed...." Krycek's grin was
almost a grimace. His eyes were hard and cold.
"Why don't you take that gun and shoot yourself in the head, like you shot
my father." It all seemed surreal, like he was standing in the middle of a Sam
Peckinpah movie, trading macho cracks with a man he'd once... he'd once....
"Oh god. High noon in Hong Kong." Apparently, Jerry Kallenchuk thought so
too.
Krycek glared at her, teeth bared like an animal's. It was as if he'd just
noticed her presence, and found it completely unacceptable. "Why don't you just
shut up!" He grabbed her by the arm and roughly shoved her out into the hall,
closing the door on the chain of the handcuffs.
"That's no way to treat your partner," Mulder said.
Shots rang out in the hallway. Mulder felt the chain of the cuffs being
dragged down to the floor, heard the thump of her body. Krycek stared; his face
shattering, for just a moment, into a haze of desperate pain. Then he broke and
ran for the window, pausing before he leapt into the street. "Looks like she's
your partner now."
And then he was gone.
He managed to find the handcuff key and free himself from the body of the
salvage broker in time to escape out the window before Kallenchuk's killers
entered the office. From there, he headed to the airport. It was his best guess
as to where Krycek would have gone, Hong Kong now being a little too hot for
him, as well as Mulder's own intention to return to D.C. at the earliest
opportunity. And sure enough, Krycek was there. He was easy enough to spota
big man in a black leather jacket, black jeans, boots and gloves. Not your
typical Hong Kong businessman at all.
Mulder took him as he passed, clotheslining him with the telephone he'd
been pretending to use. One punch to the stomach, a head butt to the head, and
Krycek was moaning and gasping for breath as Mulder reached behind him to
appropriate the gun from his back holster. (It was the third time he'd taken
Krycek's gun from him, some calculating part of his mind noted with interest.
And some part of him that he tried not to listen to insisted that it couldn't
be because he was that much better fighter than his former partner.) A few
threats and insults and "I didn't kill your father," Krycek protested, although
it seemed to come more from desperation than truth. Then, "Finish it, Mulder.
Go on and finish it."
Mulder stepped back, then. He told himself it was because he didn't want to
make a scene while holding a gun in the Hong Kong airport. Not because Krycek's
voice was grief-stricken and hopeless. Not because Krycek's face was streaked
with sweat and tears and blood. Not because he felt sorry for him.
Mulder asked him about the tape.
"I'll give it to you, if you let me go." His only protection, and means of
support. And he offered it to Mulder, for the chance to go free and live a
little while longer. Life on the run had been hard on him, Mulder saw. There
was no trace of innocence in that sweet face now. But it was still sweet.
Mulder couldn't bear seeing the blood dripping from his nose. He gritted his
teeth and forced the hardness back into his voice.
"Go to the bathroom and clean yourself off. If you're not out of there in
three minutes, I'm coming in there to kill you."
Krycek seemed no more to believe the threat than Mulder did. But he allowed
himself to be led to the restrooms, stood compliantly while Mulder checked out
the men's room. Mulder was aware that Krycek could easily have broken and run
while Mulder left him standing there. But he chose not to. He'd thrown in with
Mulder. It was strange the way that thought twisted in him, made his stomach
hurt.
But when Krycek came out of the bathroom, something had changed. He was
calm now, his face smoothed into a cool mask, his movements even and sinuous.
So many Kryceks, and here was another new one. Mulder wondered which one this
was.
It wasn't until after he'd lost Krycek again, after the car accident, and
Mulder had learned that the French diver's wife had been found in the bathroom
of the Hong Kong airport, covered in the same diesel oil as her husband when
he'd been found, that Mulder realized what had happened. The alien had been
trapped at the bottom of the sea, until the French diver had found it. It had
inhabited the diver, then the diver's wife, then Krycek, and now it was loose
somewhere in the United States, looking for something. Now Mulder had to find
out what it was that the alien wanted.
For the next few days, events happened so quickly Mulder barely had time to
think. Skinner was shotby the same man who'd killed Scully's sister. He
found the locker that was opened by the key that Krycek had given him, but the
tape had already been taken. He did find the impression of a phone number on
the package, which led to a meeting with a man who told him that the UFO the
French salvage ship had found had been moved to a location in the United
States. Then Scully caught her sister's killer, as he attempted to finish off
Skinner, and found that he'd been present when Krycek had traded the tape to
Cancerman for information on the location of the alien's ship. He told her
where Krycek was headedan abandoned missile site in North Dakota.
Mulder and Scully immediately caught the first flight to North Dakota. They
found men dying of radiation burns in the missile siloproof that the alien
had been there, in Krycek's body. They were close, so close
But once again, it was not to be. Before they could find the alien, or its
ship, or Krycek, Cancerman had found them. They were hauled out of the silo at
gunpoint, unceremoniously loaded into a car and driven away. Once again, they
ended up with nothing but more suspicions, more close calls, more unanswered
questions. Skinner recovered. The French diver and his wife recovered. Luis
Cardinale, Scully's sister's killer, died in his cell. And Krycek?
Krycek was lost again.
A few days later, Mulder was sitting in his basement office when Scully
tapped on the door and came in with a fax in her hand and a tentative smile on
her face. He sat back in his chair and smiled back, nodding to her to sit down.
She pulled up a chair to the other side of his desk.
She looked tired. A little strained around the eyes. The business with Luis
Cardinale had hit her hard. She wanted justice for her sister, but all she got
was another death, and another coverup. The men who gave the orders, the ones
who were really responsible for Melissa Scully's murder, were still
untouchable.
"How are you doing?" he asked softly.
She forced another smile, and nodded. Then she handed him the fax. "This
just came in from San Francisco. The search of J. Kallenchuk Salvage Brokers
turned up something interestinga the key to a safety deposit box in a bank
here in Washington."
Mulder felt his eyes widen as he read the fax. Jerry Kallenchuk had had
bank accounts all over the west coast and in Hong Kong. She had operations out
of Seattle, Portland, and San Diego. She had recently traveled to Vancouver,
B.C., Honolulu, Bangkok, and Manila, as well as Hong Kong. She seemed to have
fingers in pies all over the Pacific Rim.
But outside the Pacific Rim, there was one single key to a safety deposit
box in Washington, D.C.
"How soon can we get an order to open the box?" His fingers were tingling
with excitement. He wasn't sure what they were onto, but he he had a feeling it
was something big.
"Already in the works. The key is being couriered, and should be here this
afternoon. We'll have the court order by then."
Two D.C. police officers, two bank officials, and Agents Mulder and Scully
gathered in the narrow corridor between the walls of safety deposit boxes. Box
number seventy-two was a small one, rented four months ago. According to bank
records, the box had been opened only twice, once when it had been rented, and
then again about a month ago. Mulder slipped his latex gloves onto trembling
fingers as he watched the bank official and one of the police officers pull the
box out of its slot and bring it over to the table.
Mulder stepped up to the box. Inside, there were books. Three small, worn
blank books with various patterned covers. And a microcassette. Scully, beside
him, lifted the cassette in a gloved hand, holding it delicately between thumb
and finger.
"All it has is a date. December, nineteen ninety-four."
Mulder nodded, staring at the books. He reached in and picked up the one on
the top, one with a flowered cloth cover that looked like old-fashioned
wallpaper. His chest was so tight he could barely breathe. Perhaps it was
something about the patterns, the tacky flowers and marbleized papers and fake
lizardskin, that reminded him of red and navy striped ties and cheap thrillers
and Hershey bars, but somehow he knew, even before he opened the book and saw
the familiar handwriting, and read the first few lines.
"Mulder?" Scully was looking up at him curiously. She reached for another
of the books, and he stopped her with a gentle hand on her wrist.
He swallowed, and cleared his throat. "Scully, these... these are Alex
Krycek's diaries."
They bagged the diaries and tape and brought them back to Mulder's basement
office. Mulder stood behind his desk, holding the bag in his hands, looking at
Scully standing across from him, waiting with her arms crossed, more-or-less
patiently, for him to unbag the things so they could begin looking at them.
There was no possible way he could tell her he didn't want her to read the
diaries. She'd just want to know why, and no matter what he said, it would
sound foolish, and no doubt she'd figure out the truth anyway. He could try
sending her off to do something else... but that would only be a temporary
solution, she'd still want to read them when she got the chance, and what were
the chances she'd allow herself to be sidetracked by anything else in the first
place? She was just as interested in Krycek's doings as he was.
Should he try to warn her somehow? Prepare her for what she might read? But
suppose Krycek hadn't written about the sex. Then he'd just be getting himself
in deep water for no reason. Maybe....
"Mulder. Is something wrong?"
Too late. He'd waffled too long, and Scully knew something was up. "No.
It's just that he might have written about things that happened while he and I
were working together. Things I'd just as soon no one else knew about."
She lifted an eyebrow. "Things worse than anything that happened while you
and I were working together?"
"No. Well, not necessarily worse. Just different. It depends on your point
of view, I suppose." He could feel his face growing hotter by the minute.
She gave him one of those appraising looks. The ones that felt like they
were going right through him, seeing all his secrets. She bit her lip. "Mulder,
I don't want to invade your privacy. But I thought... I hoped that by now you
would know that there isn't anything you can't tell me."
And then he felt ashamed. After everything they'd been through together,
how could he think she wouldn't understand? She'd seen him at his worstangry
and violent and selfish, insubordinate and insensitive, running roughshod over
everyone in his path in the pursuit of his quest. And she'd stood by him,
unconditionally, with more patience than he'd ever deserved. It was about time
he gave her something back. Well, letting her find out he'd been sleeping with
Krycek wasn't exactly a Christmas present, but it was an offer of trust that
might in some small way repay the trust she'd given him.
He nodded slowly. Then he dug through the bag to find the earliest of the
diaries. The one that began, I met Fox Mulder today. And he handed it to
her.
Mulder picked up the second of the diaries, sat down, and began to read:
"I'm in Calgary now. It's not so bad, except that it reminds me of Montana.
It's even the same kind of hotel. I wake up at night almost expecting he'll be
here in bed with me. Then I have to get up and go out, because I can't get back
to sleep. Funny how three days can change your life like that. Probably never
be able to stay in a cheap hotel again without thinking about him. Hey, how
about that, Mulder? I think of you whenever I think about serial killers and
bloodhounds and cheap hotels.
"And pizza and La Traviata and Ford Tauruses and the FBI and white shirts
and grey suits and practically everything else. I think about Mulder every day,
with every breath I draw, and wish like hell it hadn't been like this. What
would have happened, that last night in Montana, if I'd made him listen to me,
and told him the truth? Hell. Either he'd have kicked me out and that would
have been the end of it, or he'd have let me stay with him and I'd have tried
to help him save Scully, and we'd both have been killed. And Scully, too. I
keep going over it in my mind, the whole thing, from the day that nameless
bastard came to me, when I was fresh out of the academy and so naive I
squeaked, and asked me if I wanted to do some special ops. Where was my
mistake? What should I have done, to make things turn out right for me and
Mulder? And I just can't figure it out. He wouldn't have let me quit. Mulder
wouldn't have believed me if I tried to tell him I'd changed sides. The only
answer I can come up with is that I should have told the sonofabitch no right
there at the start, never gotten involved in his damned special ops in the
first place. But then I never would have met Mulder at all. And he'd have
gotten someone else to spy on Mulder. It just makes me crazy to think that no
matter what I did, I couldn't have helped Mulder. That has to be wrong, I must
be missing something, but I don't know what.
"And what difference would it make now, even if I could figure it out? It's
all over, way more than too late. I've lost Mulder, I've lost my job, and I'm
sitting here in Canada waiting for the man who owns me to pull on my leash and
tell me what to do next. And I don't even know how to get out of that.
"It's hard, being here with nothing to do but think. He told me I could
come back in another couple of weeks. He says he'll have a special job for me
when I get back. I don't know whether to be glad about that or not. I don't
know what he's going to want me to do now, but I know it's going to be
something bad. I try not to think about it, but there's nothing to do here but
think. I've gone out cruising a couple of times. It's weird, not to have to
think about keeping up the cover any more. It wasn't any good, though. It just
makes me think about Mulder, like everything else."
Mulder paused, eyes tightly shut, hand pressed to his forehead. Damn
Krycek! How dare he have regrets? How dare he wish things had been different?
How dare he be... human, a decent man who'd made mistakes, too frightened and
confused to know how to make things right?
Mulder lowered his hand and looked across his desk at Scully, reading
intently in the first of the diaries. She was biting her lower lip, and there
were spots of red on her cheeks. Then she lowered the book, aware of his eyes
on her, and glanced up at him. Her sympathetic smile had a slight waver in it.
"He's... not at all what I expected."
"How far have you gotten?"
"Not far. He's just gone home and cried all night after killing Augustus
Cole. He says... wait, I'll read it to you: 'Mulder was awfully nice to me
about it. Even though the guy turned out not to have a gun, and Mulder was
yelling at me not to shoot, and I screwed everything up. It kind of knocked me
for a loop, having Mulder be so kind. Stupid, but I never expected anything
like that. Like he wasn't going to be a real human being, he was just going to
be the mark and I'd never have to worry about what anything I might have to do
was going to do to him. Damn, I wish he'd just forget about this stuff, and do
his job. Maybe if they transferred him out of D.C. he'd settle down. Send him
to L.A. or somewhere, give him something really interesting to work on, not all
this boring wiretap junk, so he won't mind losing the X-Files so much. Get him
away from Scully, too. Really away, not just a two-hour drive to Quantico, did
they really think that was going to stop him from seeing her? I made the
recommendation, but I don't think my boss is going to listen to me. Well, I
suppose he's got his reasons, I know there's a lot of stuff going on I don't
know about, but it just seems mean, to keep letting Mulder get so close and
then cutting him off at the knees. Makes me almost feel sorry for him.' "
She looked up again, and her smile was sad and regretful. "Sounds like he
didn't know what he was getting into at all."
Mulder blinked several times. "Yeah." He could hear the huskiness in his
voice. "You know, he was probably right, too. I wonder why they never
transferred us to other field offices? It would have been so much easier." She
hadn't yet gotten to the night he'd made his moveon both of his partners.
The anticipation was making him ache. Should he just tell her now and get it
over with?
"I don't know. Maybe they thought it would be easier to keep an eye on you
if you were here. What's happening in your volume?"
Mulder cleared his throat. "Ah, he's holed up in Calgary. It's sometime
after he took off. He doesn't date his entries, I'm not sure exactly when. He's
doing a lot of thinking, wondering what he could have done differently."
Her laugh was rueful. "I could tell him that."
"Me too." But it wasn't quite so simple, was it? Krycek had been proven
right in his worry that Cancerman would try to kill him if he rebelled. Andwas he right about Mulder, too? What would he have done if Krycek had told him
the truth, that last night in Montana? Would he have been able to listen, and
forgive? Or would he have turned away, angry and betrayed, and thrust Krycek
out of his life? "I guess it all looked different from where he was sitting."
She sighed. "Yes. It can't have been easy for him. He was playing a
dangerous game." She lifted her book, and began to read again.
"Scully?" Mulder's hands gripped his own volume.
She looked up expectantly.
"Those things I was telling you about...." His throat closed on the words.
He swallowed and shook his head. She'd find out soon enough. Why put himself
through it? "Let me know when you get there. You'll know."
She nodded thoughtfully. Mulder tried to smile, and returned to his own
volume.
It was painful reading. At times, tears filled his eyes, blurring the pages
so that he had to stop and force back sobs, waiting for his breathing to slow,
so that he could continue. The job that called Krycek out of Calgary was, as
he'd suspected, something bad. The assassination of Mulder's father. Somehow
he'd always known that it was Krycek, although he knew perfectly well that he
had no real evidence, but even so, seeing it written in Krycek's own hand was
far more wrenching than he could have imagined. But now, he also saw the
threats, the anguish and remorse that had accompanied that action, and the
agitated jumble of the words on the page twisted in his guts like tiny knives
of ink. Astonishingly, as the damning words burned into his eyes, his hatred
shifted, sliding across Krycek to focus on the Cancerman, and the fierce
protective desire he'd once felt, long ago in Montana, welled up again. How
dare you make him do that, his anger burst out at his enemy. How dare
you hurt him like that. He's mine.
A hand gently touched his arm. "Mulder?" He looked up, startled, to find
Scully standing at his side, her eyes dark with concern.
He sat up, dropping the book on his desk, and wiped at his eyes with his
shirt sleeve. "I'm okay. He's writing about my father. He did it, Scully.
Cancerman told him if he didn't, he'd kill Samantha."
Scully swallowed. "My god."
He glanced at the volume in her hand. "How far did you get?"
She put her own book on the desk, smoothing the cover with her hand. Her
mouth tightened into a painful smile. "I finished this one. It ends just after
he disappeared."
"Then you know."
"That you had an affair with him? Yes. Mulder... he was in love with you."
"So he kept telling me."
"He kept telling you?"
Mulder took a deep breath. "That night in Montana. Then after we got home,
that last night." He turned to her, taking her hands in his, and looked up into
her face. "After you were taken. I tried to get him to stay with me that night,
but he wouldn't. He kept saying he had to tell me something first, but he
couldn't tell me then. But he told me to remember what he'd said. 'Always
remember that'that's what he kept telling me. And then, about three months
ago, he turned up at my apartment one morning with an empty gun, and told me
again. He was leaving the country, he said, and he wanted to tell me before he
left."
Scully looked away, her eyes growing shiny, her lips pressed together. "My
god. Poor Krycek." She looked down at him, and her mouth trembled. "Poor
Mulder."
Mulder shook his head. "He should have... he should have...."
"Mulder, he said that he was going to start taping his conversations with
his boss. I wonder if this tape...?"
The microcassette. He'd forgotten all about it, engrossed in the diary and
his roiling memories. "Where's the tape player?" He released Scully, and began
scrabbling around on his desk. It was time for a break, past time, although god
only knew if listening to whatever was on that tape was going to be any easier
than reading Krycek's diaries.
Scully helped him find the tape player, and then settled back into her
chair to listen with him. He inserted the cassette, switched it on, and sat
back.
"Mr. Krycek, how was your vacation?" No mistaking that voice. It was
Cancerman.
And the answering voice was Alex Krycek's. "Fine. Not quite what I had in
mind, but...."
"It's unfortunate that your career in the FBI was cut short. I'd hoped to
keep you in place considerably longer."
"Yeah. Me too." Krycek's voice was weary.
"But you can still be useful to us. I have a job for you. This may be a
little more difficult for you, but if you can complete this assignment
satisfactorily, then you'll still have bright future with us." Smooth, as
always. Unemotional. As if they were discussing the weather.
"What is it?"
"I want you to terminate someonea member of our group who has become
dissatisfied, and threatens to reveal certain facts about our project."
Mulder's hands gripped the arms of his chair.
"I... I'm not a killer."
"When you first joined us, you said you would do whatever was necessary."
"But that was different! That wasn't... I was supposed to be working
undercover, keeping tabs on Mulder. Not some kind of professional assassin."
"You got to be quite fond of Mulder, didn't you? That's always a danger of
this kind of work. You pretend something long enough, and you begin to believe
it. You should like this assignment, then. You'll be protecting Mulder, in a
way."
"What do you mean?" Krycek was wary, untrusting, yet there was a flat
sadness in his voice, as if he were already resigned to what he would be forced
to do. Mulder's teeth clenched.
"We've been watching Agent Mulder's father for some time now. There has
always been a danger that he might be tempted to tell his son more than it
would be safe for him to know. That unfortunate business with the young woman
who pretended to be the daughter, Samantha, has only made the problem worse. We
can't take the risk any longer. He'll have to be removed."
"You... you want me to kill Mulder's father?"
"Yes."
"And I'm supposed to believe that this is protecting Mulder?" There was a
sharp bitterness in Krycek's voice now.
"If his father were to tell him too much, we'd have to eliminate them both.
I'm sure neither of us wants that to happen."
Bastard, Mulder thought. Liar.
"I... I don't know if I can do it."
"There is one other option. We could terminate Samantha Mulder. Perhaps
that would be a better solution in the long run. End Mulder's quest once and
for all."
And there it was. It was true, what Krycek had written. The bastard had
threatened Samantha. Used his sister to force Krycek to commit murder.
"Kill Samantha? That would destroy Mulder."
"I would prefer the first option, myself. But it will have to be one or the
other."
"But why me? Why make me do this?"
"I think you know the answer to that."
There was a pause. When Krycek continued, his voice was rough with pain.
"You want Mulder to hate me. You want to make sure I can never go to him and
tell him the truth."
"I think we'll all rest easier, when you've finally been able to put all
your doubts about the choices you've made to rest."
"And if I refuse, you'll kill Samantha."
"Those are the options."
"And you'll kill me."
"I don't like to make threats. But you know our methods."
There was another very long pause. Mulder and Scully both sat motionless in
their chairs. The faint squeak of the tape player hubs turning filled the still
air of the room. Finally, very quietly, Krycek's voice emerged.
"All right. All right, you win. I'll do it."
Mulder reached out angrily and punched the stop button, so hard the tape
player jumped on the desk. "Damn it, Scully. Damn it. He was just a stupid,
green kid who didn't know any better. Why did they have to do it to him?"
Scully sat staring at the tape player. Then, she put her hand on the first
volume of Krycek's diaries, and pushed it a few inches across the desk toward
him. "I think you should read this."
The afternoon wore on into evening. Mulder sat until his back grew stiff
and his stomach empty, reading. Scully sat across from him, likewise. At first,
he cried while he read, the tears streaming down his face until he no longer
bothered to wipe them, watching them with vague curiosity as they stained his
tie. Eventually, the pain passed beyond the point of tears, and his mind went
numb as he took in all of Krycek's confusion, suffering and guilt. He relived
with him the poignant and heady excitement of the days in Montana, his face
burning as he finally discovered the source of Krycek's resistance and pain. He
read of Krycek's horror as the events of Scully's abduction unfolded, saw the
helpless reluctance with which he followed his orders and helped them take her.
He followed Krycek to Calgary, to San Francisco, and to Hong Kong, reading page
after page filled with Mulder's name, even months after Krycek had left, and
all hope was gone.
The third volume was short and bitter. This was the man Mulder had
encountered in Hong Kong barely a week agoangry and desperate and beaten
down, with no future to look forward to, and no pleasure to ease the crushing
emptiness of his days. He'd reduced his goals and needs to this: survival for
another day, clinging to his life with a tenacity that was almost mindless in
its unreasoning fierceness. He'd discovered an animal cunning in himself that
he regarded with ironic amusement.
"I don't know how much longer I'll live. Probably not long. He'll catch up
with me eventually, there's no way I can stay out of his reach forever,
especially now that I've started selling information from the tape. Strange to
think that I'm committing treason by doing this. Strange to think I'm doing it
and I don't care. I used to think the law was a wonderful thing, shining and
noble and worthy of one's life, like knights in armor defending its honor. Lady
Justice, with her blindfold and scales. It used to give me chills to look at
her. I used to love my FBI badge, like I loved my job, like I loved Fox Mulder.
Well, I've lost all that. All I've got left is my life, which isn't worth a
Hong Kong nickel. Still, I hang onto it. I'm a thorn in that bastard's side,
and that's worth something. I can't help Mulder, but I can worry his enemies. I
hope I can give them a good run before I die."
Mulder laid the volume down, and took a ragged breath. Scully, who'd been
listening to the tape on headphones, switched off the tape player and pulled
the headphones off. "If we can get a voice analysis on this tape, we can nail
him for ordering your father's death. And mine."
Mulder stared at the tape. She was right, it was hard evidence against
Cancerman. It hadn't even occurred to him, he'd only been thinking of Krycek.
"We'd need Krycek's testimony to nail it down. And he's...."
"We need to find him. We can offer him immunity for his testimony, put him
in the witness protection program."
"Scully. He wouldn't live a day in custody, you know that. Even if we could
find him. If he's still alive in the first place."
She frowned thoughtfully. "There's no reason to think he's dead. The diver
and his wife both recovered fully. And there's been no body found. They've
never been too concerned about hiding the bodies."
Mulder closed his eyes. Alex Krycek, alive. Somewhere. Running, hurting,
desperate. "If he's alive, using the tape will be the surest way to kill him."
Scully didn't answer. Mulder opened his eyes, to find her regarding him
carefully. He looked away, hurt by the intensity of her gaze.
"Mulder," she began quietly, "maybe we should back up a little. The
diaries, obviously, we won't use. He never mentioned his boss by name, or
described him in any way that would absolutely identify him. The diaries aren't
evidence against anybody but Krycek, and we don't need evidence against him.
Arresting him would be as good as killing him, as you've said."
"Not to mention that they'd damage the reputation of a certain FBI agent."
The attempt at humor was pathetically weak, but Scully beamed at him just
the same. "So we'll seal them and put them away, and with any luck, they'll
mold away before anyone ever gets the notion to look at them."
Mulder sat up suddenly. God, that was another thing that had never occurred
to himthe diaries were evidence in a Federal investigation. They'd been
counted and logged in and couldn't just be made to disappear, not without
questions and further investigations. "Scully, if anybody reads those, I'm
finished."
Scully shook her head slowly. "I don't think so. Technically, you didn't do
anything wrong. Relationships between partners are discouraged, but not
forbidden outright. And neither is homosexual activity. They'd have to have
some other reason to use it against you. And they'd need some sort of
corroborating evidence. The diaries alone don't constitute proof, especially
without Krycek to back them up."
Mulder just sat there, unable to speak. It was all too much. Krycek,
Cancerman, evidence... he didn't know what to say.
Scully sighed. "Look, this isn't what's important right now." She picked up
the first volume of the diaries, and held it thoughtfully, stroking the sad
flowered cover. "You've hated him for a long time. He betrayed you, and hurt
you terribly. But you cared about him once, a lot more than I ever realized.
Maybe more than you realized. And now, we have his side of the story. And it
looks like he had reasons for doing some of the things he did that mitigate his
actions. I know I feel differently about him now. How about you?"
"I don't know." Mulder took the diary from her, and opened it to the first
page. I met Fox Mulder today.... "He killed my father. He helped them
take you." He reached across the table and touched her face with his
fingertips. Then he sighed. "He's probably dead anyway. And even if he isn't,
we'll never find him. How can I forgive him?"
"Do you want to forgive him?"
"What difference does that make?"
"Mulder, I'd say that makes all the difference. You don't forgive someone
because it's convenient. Or because you have some guarantee that things will
work out if you do, or because what they've done falls into some predefined set
of forgivable sins. You forgive them because they're sorry, and because you
want to. Because you care enough to want to heal the damage done."
Mulder felt his lip tremble. Tears clouded his eyes. "I want to. But it's
too late."
Scully took the microcassette out of the player, and held it thoughtfully
in her fingers. "Maybe not. Krycek made this tape for protection, but
apparently he never got the chance to use it. Maybe it could still be used."
A faint smile touched his mouth. "Agent Scully, that tape is Federal
evidence."
"And this tape will go safely into Federal evidence storage. Along with
those diaries. Where, unfortunately, it will most likely be mislabelled and
buried at the bottom of some file drawer and never seen again. But I think it
would be a good idea to make a copy, just for safekeeping. Don't you?"
Mulder managed a laughsmall and fragile, but genuine. Thank god for
Scully. Thank god. "Yes, I think that would be a very good idea."
Alex. Maybe it wasn't too late.
But they had to work fast.
Mulder stood in the hallway, hand poised to knock on the man's apartment
door. He'd been here only once before, back in some of the darkest days of his
life, when Scully, finally returned, lay dying in the hospital. He'd been given
the address by someonehe thought it was Skinner, but he couldn't be sureand he'd come here, crazy with grief, not really sure what he meant to do,
waving his gun and right on the edge of losing everything, to confront the man
who'd taken Scully from him. Well, he'd gotten Scully back, and now he wanted
Krycek back, and he'd come once again to confront this man. Not with a gun this
time, but with a tiny cassette tape in his pocket. Funny, he knew the man's
address, but he still didn't know his name.
He knocked. He could hear the television through the apartment door, so he
knew the man was home. He waited patiently, trying to smooth his features,
trying not to look like the homicidal maniac he felt inside, to present the
face of a reasonable man to the spyhole. I just want to talk, he rehearsed. I'm
not armed.
The door opened, and there Mulder's nemesis stood, face an emotionless
mask, ever-present cigarette in his hand, wreathing smoke around his fingers.
"Mr. Mulder. To what do I owe the pleasure...?"
"I want to talk to you. About Krycek. I'm not armed."
"No reason for you to be." The man stood aside, and allowed Mulder to step
into the room. A small apartment, not so different from Mulder's own, except
for the haze of cigarette smoke, and the glass of bourbon on the side table. An
old western movie played on the television. "Would you like a drink?"
"No. What I want is Krycek. I want you to let him go."
The man sat in his well-worn easy chair, and gestured Mulder to the couch.
Mulder ignored the gesture and stood where he was, several feet from the man's
chair. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, letting the feel of the cassette
pricking his fingers calm him.
"What makes you think I have him?"
"He was there at the silo. I know. Cardinale told us where Krycek was
headed before you had him killed. We saw the men there with the radiation
burns. He was there, and so were you, and you have him. Or you know what
happened to him."
"What makes you think he's alive?"
Mulder's fists twisted in his pockets. "If he isn't, show me a body. Let me
bury him. Let me call his mother and tell her, so she doesn't worry for the
rest of her life. Let me put him to rest." Tears gathered, and he fought them
back.
"And if he is alive?" The man smoked his cigarette. Mulder wanted to hit
him.
"Let me have him. Give him back to me, like you gave Scully back."
"And why should I do that?"
"For the same reason." Why her and not me? Mulder had demanded, that
time before. And the man had replied, I like you. I like her, too. That's
why she was returned to you.
For the first time, there was just the tiniest crack in the man's
equanimity. He looked away, taking a quick drag on his cigarette, a quick gulp
of his bourbon. Then he was looking back at Mulder, calm and smooth as ever. "I
do like him. But he's a danger to me."
The pieces of the puzzle fell suddenly into place. Mulder swallowed a
choking gasp that was almost a laugh, and a glow of hope began to gather in his
chest. You bastard, Mulder thought, daring to let a triumphant note
creep into his inner voice. You're in love with him too. It had all been
there in Krycek's diaries, although Krycek himself had never seen it: the
continued attempts to bring Krycek in line, to bind him with the awful deeds he
was forced to commit, to drive a wedge between him and Mulder. The ridiculous
lie about Mulder's father, a sad attempt at comfort when Krycek's grief over
what he'd been forced to do threatened to overwhelm him. The strange, calm
pleasure with which the man discovered that his clumsy attempt to eliminate his
recalcitrant operative had failed. And the final, damning proofKrycek was
still alive, despite everything he'd done. Cancerman had him, and it would have
been so easy to kill him, so easy to clean up his body along with the other
radiation-burned troops in the silo, and every reason to do so, and no possible
reason to keep him alive.
Except that he didn't want to. He loved his precious, rebellious,
impossibly innocent fallen angel of an agent, and couldn't bring himself to
kill him. Now all he needed was an excuse, a reason to let him go. And watching
Mulder beg, having Mulder owe him a favorwouldn't that be the most pleasant
reason of all?
Mulder crushed his fist around the microcassette in his pocket. He wasn't
going to need it. His heart pounded in his chest. "Not if you let him go. All
he wants is to be free. He won't hurt you, please, just let him go."
"Are you guaranteeing his behavior?" There was just a trace of a smile on
the man's face.
"Yes." Some part of himself wondered that he so easily made this promise.
But he'd read those diaries. He knew what Alex Krycek wanted, and it wasn't
revenge, and it wasn't the truth, and it wasn't justice. It was Fox Mulder. He
could guarantee this. "He can't hurt you. He doesn't know enough, he'd be in
too much trouble himself if he tried. You've got the DAT tape back. He's just
an unhappy employee, who wants out of his contract. Let him go."
"And you're willing to forego the use of whatever knowledge Krycek might
have?"
"Yes." This was a little harder. But that knowledge was out of his reach,
anyway. It was Alex's death if he used it, and he was willing to trade it for
Alex Krycek, solid and real and in his arms.
The man took one more long drag on his cigarette, then stubbed it out in an
overflowing ashtray. Taking another cigarette from the pack sitting beside the
ashtray, he lit it with his silver lighter. Mulder watched the smoke drift up,
barely breathing, waiting.
Then the man looked up at him and nodded. A slight smile stretched his
mouth. "I believe you're an honorable man, Mr. Mulder. We have a deal."
Mulder and Scully pulled up their rental car in front of the missile silo
in the bright glare of a clear midday sun, as they had just days ago. The site
appeared just as empty as it had then, but they knew that this time the
cigarette-smoking man would not be arriving with his goons to haul them away.
In fact, that man himself had promised that no one at all would be there,
except for the one man they had come to find. Behind the door of silo 1013, no
doubt hungry and thirsty and frightened, but still alive, Mulder would find his
other lost partner.
They'd spent the rest of the night, before they caught the early morning
flight to Fargo, North Dakota, negotiating with Skinner to drop all the
warrants against Krycek. Mulder had to chuckle about thatSkinner had been a
much harder sell than Cancerman, and of course they couldn't show him the
diaries in explanation of their sudden change of heart toward their erstwhile
enemy. Mulder had ended up spinning an elaborate semi-true tale about secret
deals with Cancerman and Krycek at which Skinner, already at a disadvantage
from being awakened at two in the morning by his two brightest and best but
most irritating agents, finally threw up his hands and agreed that yes, all
right, they didn't have any solid evidence against him anyway, and yes, he
would no doubt be killed the day he was put in custody, so if they were willing
to forget everything Krycek had done, so was he.
So it was all going to be all right. Mulder could barely believe it. All he
had to do now was walk into the silo, go eight stories down to the bottom, and
open door 1013, and he would have Alex back. His skin tingled at the thought.
His knees were like jelly, and his hand froze on the door handle.
"Mulder?"
He smiled sheepishly at Scully, who was grinning at him from the driver's
seat. (You drive, Scully. I'm too nervous. He'd expected to be teased
unmercifully, but all he'd gotten was one lift of her expressive eyebrow.)
"I'll wait here for you," she told him. "But don't take too long. I'd hate
to get worried and go down there to find you in the middle of your reunion."
All right, she couldn't resist at least one dig. Mulder forced a laugh,
while his face flamed. He hadn't thought about that, thoughnever mind, he
hadn't brought any condoms with him, and anyway, Krycek was going to be
starving and miserable and in no shape for sex. Soon, though. Very soon. Mulder
took a deep breath. Then another. Finally, he opened the car door and stepped
out. He turned to say something to Scully, but found that he couldn't speak
past the huge, silly grin on his face.
Scully's answering smile was warm and generous and full of affection. With
his heart so full he could barely breathe, he nodded and went into the silo.
Door 1013. Mulder's hands were shaking as he turned the wheel to open it.
It was dark inside, and he could see nothing through the glare on the glass in
the small window. He stood back and pulled the door open.
Alex Krycek stood several feet away in the doorway, blinking in the light.
Still wearing the black leather jacket and black jeans and grey shirt he'd been
wearing when Mulder had found him in Hong Kong a week ago. Still wary and
desperate. Several days more growth of beard; several days less sleep. He was
red-eyed and shaky and streaked with oil. He was the most beautiful thing
Mulder had ever seen.
"Hello, Alex," he said softly.
"Mulder." Krycek's voice was flat and toneless. "Go ahead and kill me. I'd
rather it was you than him." His shoulders hung, defeated. And he offered up
his life.
Mulder's eyes stung. "I'm not here to kill you, Alex. I'm here to take you
home."
Krycek flinched, as if he'd been hit. Then he stood blinking, unable to
comprehend it. His mouth worked. Heedless of the oil and dirt, Mulder stepped
up to him and folded him into his arms. It felt like sheer heaven, oil and
leather and hot trembling flesh. Krycek made a small, helpless sound and melted
into him.
"Mulder, I... I...." Krycek's warm breath tickled the hairs on his neck.
"It's all right," Mulder whispered. Then, suddenly remembering Krycek's
long days locked up here in the dark, he pulled one arm free to find the bottle
of water in the capacious pocket of his anorak.
Krycek took it eagerly, and as he drank, Mulder stroked his hair and
explained, "We found your diaries and the tape. I understand now, Alex. I'm
sorry I wouldn't listen to you before."
Krycek's face twisted, and the empty bottle fell to his feet. "Oh, god,
Mulder, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry about everything, I made so many mistakes...."
Mulder crushed him into his arms again. "It's all right. Everything's all
right. Come on, let's get out of here. Scully's waiting for us up top."
Still dazed, Krycek allowed himself to be led out of the silo. But then, in
the corridor, he pulled away and stopped. His face was frightened and desolate
again. "Mulder, he's going to kill me."
"No, he won't," Mulder smiled gently. "I talked to him. He agreed to let
you go."
Krycek shook his head, once. "He did? Why?"
"Because he likes you. I don't know, maybe he felt sorry for me. I had to
promise we'd never use anything you know against him, but I didn't think that
would be a problem."
Krycek stood, mouth hanging open. One choked laugh bubbled from his throat.
Then, a smile split his face and he laughed again. "He's Germont."
"What?" Mulder smiled back, playing along, glad to see Krycek finally
coming out of his shock. Poor guy, he was delirious with relief. Not to mention
hunger. Well, he had a right. Mulder himself was giddy with it: Krycek standing
there in front of him, solid flesh and bone, touchable and takeable and every
inch of him Mulder's.
"Germont. Alfredo's father." Krycek shook his head, then giggled. It was
like a million tiny sweet fingers tickling Mulder's skin. "You remember,
Mulder. La Traviata. Germont forces them apart, but in the third act he
relents and lets Alfredo and Violetta be together again."
Mulder laughed, a long, happy laugh. "Well, I've often thought my life had
operatic overtones."
Krycek's smile widened. "Here's where I die of consumption."
Mulder pulled him into his arms again, decided damn the oil and pressed his
lips to Krycek's. Krycek's eyes fluttered shut, and he returned the kiss
delicately. There was a sharp tang on Mulder's lips, but the soft, warm
roundness of the mouth beneath his was sweet as nectar. "Not this time,
Violetta," he whispered into Krycek's ear.
He stepped back, still holding Krycek around the shoulders, and began once
again to lead them toward the exit. "Not this time," he repeated. "This opera
has a happy ending."
Krycek smiled crookedly, and happy tears dripped down his cheeks, making
trails in the dirt and oil on his face. Would he still cry when Mulder made
love to him, now that there were no secrets between them? Somehow, Mulder
thought he would. And somehow, the thought made him very happy.
He had his Krycek back. He didn't intend to let him go again.
The End of Il Traviato
codyne@netwizards.net
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