"What's wrong, Alex?"
"I can't sleep."
"That's my line. Are you picking up my neuroses now? Is it reciprocal?
I mean, will I wake up someday with a burning desire to wear leather and
skulk in dark alleys?"
"I don't skulk. I lurk. There's a subtle but distinct difference."
"I beg your humble pardon."
"You better or I'll kick your ass." Alex shifted again. "And I don't
think it's reciprocal. I have no desire to wear Armani or suddenly respect
the laws of God or man." He buried his face against Mulder's shoulder and
sighed.
"Alex?"
"Hmm?"
"Why can't you sleep?"
"Dunno."
"Is there anything I can do to rectify this unfortunate situation?"
"Talk to me."
"Talk." Mulder was happy to note his voice was only mildly incredulous.
"I like the sound of your voice."
"Alex."
"Yes?"
"We're in bed"
"Yes."
"And you can't sleep"
"Yes."
"And you want me to talk."
"Yes."
"I see. May I point out this is a rather unusual activity for us to
pursue whilst in bed?"
"You may. If you must. Since you so astutely observed that we're in
bed you could tell me a bedtime story. And I can't believe you actually
said "whilst'."
"It's a perfectly valid word. Mayhap in a fortnight I'll feel the urge
to use the word whence."
Alex snorted against his throat. "Mayhap you'll put that fine education
of yours to good use and tell me a story, damn it."
"A story. You want me to tell you a bedtime story."
"Didn't I just say so?"
"I'm merely trying to wrap my mind around the concept that Alex Krycek,
scourge of the free world, wants me to tuck him in and tell him a bedtime
story. You have to admit it's rather boggling."
Alex tensed and pulled away slightly. "Shit, Mulder, I didn't ask for
warm milk and cookies. Forget it."
Mulder silently cursed himself. When are you going to learn that
Alex never asks for anything unless he really needs it? He pulled Alex
closer and rubbed his cheek over his lover's soft, dark hair in silent
apology. "No, no. I'm just attempting to come up with something that won't
give you bad dreams, what with you being so sensitive and impressionable.
Um, Cinderella?"
Alex slowly relaxed against him. "Passive aggressive weakling with no
fashion sense."
"Sleeping Beauty?"
"Ugh. Nothing with dwarves."
"I think you mean Snow White but your objection is duly noted. Beauty
and the Beast?"
Silent laughter shook Alex's shoulder. "Jesus, Mulder. What is it with
you and Disney?" He nestled closer and murmured, "Too close to real life,
Belle. Can't you think of anything that hasn't been animated and set to
music?"
"You're so picky. I was going to suggest The Jungle Book next. Maybe
even sing The Bare Necessities, too."
"Kipling's okay. But no singing."
Mulder felt a grin curve his lips. "Kipling, huh? I happen to know of
a little known Just So Story."
"Oh yeah? Let me guess. How Alex Got His Hump?"
"Nope. Although that may be suitable bedtime material another night.
Possibly even tomorrow morning. No, I was thinking of The Rat That Walked
by Himself."
"Oh, a story about me. My favorite kind. You may proceed."
"You're so gracious. Now close your eyes:
Hear and attend; for this befell and became and was, O my Best Beloved,
when all tame things were wild. But the wildest was the Rat. He skulked
by himself and all places were alike to him."
"Hey, I thought we already agreed I lurked, not skulked. And isn't it
supposed to be walked?"
"Picky, picky. Now hush. Slightly less wild (actually terribly dull
and boring) was a Mulder. Now, for reasons that are too mysterious to be
easily explained within the confines of this story, this Mulder had an
apartment deep in the midst of the Wild Woods. Why he didn't have a place
with an easier commute is also a mystery. I suspect mental illness or at
the very least a deep seated paranoia."
Alex snickered.
"One night, Best Beloved, Mulder popped a videotape of questionable
aesthetic merit into the VCR and pushed Play. He made the First Pornographic
Magic in the World. Well, perhaps not the first, but arguably the loudest
and most offensive." He paused. "Are you all right, Alex?"
"Yes," Alex gasped into his throat.
"You're sure you're not having an seizure of some sort? No? Okay. Out
in the Wet, Wild Woods all the wild things gathered together where they
could see the light of the television and heard the gasping and the panting
and the moaning and the cries of, "Fuck me! Fuck me!" and they wondered
what it meant. How they couldn't know is beyond me.
Then the Wild Skinner stamped his wild foot and said, "O my friends
and O my enemies, why has the Mulder made such a great light in his dank
and dark apartment and what harm will it do us? And what the hell is that
continuous high pitched squealing noise about anyway?'
Wild Scully peered with her wild (actually blue) eyes and said, "I'm
sure there's a perfectly sound and reasonable explanation for this phenomenon.
I will go up and see and look and say; for I think it's decidedly of human,
not alien origin. Rat, put your hands in the air where I can see them and
come with me.'
"Fuck off," said the Rat. "I am the Rat who walks by himself and all
places are alike to me. I will not come.'
"Then we can never be friends," said Wild Scully. The Rat muttered,
"Yeah like that was ever gonna happen." And she trotted off to the apartment
on her short little legs.
But when she had gone a little way the Rat said to himself, "All places
are alike to me. Why should I not go too and see and look and break in
if I want and come away at my own liking." So he slipped after Wild Scully,
softly, very softly and hid himself where he could hear everything. Further,
Best Beloved, I have it on good authority that he did indeed skulk. You
sure you're okay, Alex? Okay
When the Wild Scully reached the apartment she looked in disgust at
the television and said, "Ew.'
The Mulder heard her and quickly turned the television off, pretended
he wasn't mortified beyond words and said, "Hey Scully." When she just
raised an eyebrow, he cleared his throat and said, "Er, um, Wild Thing
out of the Wild Woods, what do you want?'
Wild Scully said, "O my Enemy, how you manage to avoid eviction is beyond
me. Did you know we could hear your television all the way out in the Wet,
Wild Woods? And don't you ever pick up after yourself?'
Then the Mulder pouted and said, "Nobody's complained yet. And my cleaning
woman quit. Do you know how hard it is to find help out here in the Wet,
Wild Woods?'
Wild Scully just rolled her eyes.
Seeing that the pout had no effect, the Mulder said, "Wild thing out
of the Wild Woods, do you believe in UFO's and the possibility of extraterrestrial
life?'
Wild Scully flatly said, "No. Not without scientific proof. And maybe
not even then." She then sighed and said, "And damn it, I'm not wild. Ask
anyone. Okay there was that one tattoo thing, but I haven't even had a
date for years.'
Seeing that Wild Sc-, er, Scully was close to sulking, the Mulder panicked
and offered her the opportunity to work with him, to debunk his theories,
all the corpses she could autopsy and half of his frequent flyer miles.
"Ah," said the Rat, listening. "That is a very wise Mulder, but he is
not so wise as I am. But he does have a great ass.'
Scully narrowed her eyes, pursed her lips and (tempted by the frequent
flyer miles) said, "Okay, Mulder. But I want my own desk, damn it."
"Ah," said the Rat, listening. "That is a very foolish Scully. Wild
Skinner will never approve another desk." And he went back to the Wild
Woods wearing his leather jacket and walking by his wild lone. But he never
told anybody. He did, however, find an alley to skulk in."
"Lurk, damn it," Alex choked out between laughs.
"No, no. I have an eidetic memory and it was definitely skulk. Now be
quiet and let me tell the story. The next night Mulder successfully avoided
filling out his 302s for another day and prepared to call the Wet, Wild
Woods Pizza Parlor for a pepperoni and pineapple pizza to celebrate his
procrastination.
Out in the Wild Woods all the Wild things wondered what had happened
to Wild Scully and at last Wild Skinner said, "I will go and see and say
why Wild Scully has not returned. Rat, put on these handcuffs and come
with me.'
"Bugger off, said the Rat. "I am the Rat who walks by himself and all
places are alike to me. I will not come. Don't you people ever fucking
listen?" But all the same he followed, softly, very softly, and hid himself
where he could hear everything.
When the Mulder heard the Wild Skinner knock on his door and announce
himself, he muttered, "Shit. I'm busted." Then he decided there was no
sense in pretending he wasn't home since Skinner must have heard his television
and dejectedly said, "Sir, I mean, Wild thing out of the Wilds Woods, what
do you want?'
Wild Skinner frowned and said, "Mulder, where is Wild Scully?"
The Mulder sagged in relief thinking Wild Skinner must have forgotten
the 302s and brightly said, "Sir, I mean Wild thing out of the Wild Woods,
Scully is in the lab conducting an autopsy.'
And the Wild Skinner looked at Mulder over the rim of glasses and said,
"Weren't those 302s due on my desk three days ago?'
The Mulder hemmed and hawed and pouted but to no avail. "Sir, I mean,
Wild thing out of the Wild Woods, I'm almost done and promise to have them
on your desk first thing tomorrow morning.'
"Ah," said the Rat, listening. "This is a clever Mulder but not so clever
as I am. However, he does pout nicely.'
Wild Skinner gave Mulder a dubious look, but merely growled, "See that
you do." And left because everyone knows his desk out there in the Wet
and Wild Woods was overflowing with paperwork.
"Ah," said the Rat, listening. "That is a very foolish Skinner. He should
know by now the Mulder never turns in his paperwork when he promises to."
And he went back to the Wild Woods wearing his leather jacket and walking
by his wild lone. But he never told anybody. He did however spend a majority
of the night thinking about Mulder's incredibly sexy pout. Ouch! Bite me
again, Alex and no more story. Oh. Mmmm. Okay, bite me all you want."
"I wouldn't want to distract you," Alex murmured into Mulder's throat.
"Then maybe you shouldn't, ah, lick me either."
"Are we getting to the good part yet?"
"Yeah, just move your hand a little lower and I'd say you were right
there."
Alex's hand froze. "My story, Mulder."
Mulder squirmed, then yelped when Alex nipped him again. "Okay, fine.
Jesus, Alex, see if I ever tell you a story again. The next day the Rat
waited to see if any other Wild thing would go to the apartment but no
one moved in the Wet Wild Woods. Not even anyone planting surveillance
equipment. So the Rat walked there by himself. He saw the Mulder sitting
in front of the television and channel surfing because nothing good was
on. He thought the Mulder looked bored and rumpled and lonely. He also
thought the Mulder had atrocious taste in ties but refrained from saying
anything. Which was very out of character for the Rat, since he almost
always felt it was his duty to inform others of their supposedly questionable
taste in ties whether they wanted his opinion or not. I swear to God Alex,
bite me again and I'll bite you back."
"Oh, promises, promises."
"Let me finish the story and we'll see if you're so eager then. Where
the hell was I? Oh. The Mulder said, "Wild thing out of the Wild Woods,
go back to the Woods again. And I don't remember giving you a key to my
apartment.'
The Rat blinked (deliberately fluttering his absurdly long lashes) and
said, "I don't need a key. I am the Rat who walks by himself and I just
wanted to see if your apartment really doesn't have a bedroom.'
"Then why did you not come with Scully on the first night?'
The Rat became very defensive and said, "Has Scully told tales of me?'
The Mulder scowled and said, "You are the Rat who walks by himself and
all places are alike to you. You have said it yourself. Go away and walk
by yourself in all places alike. And I do so have a bedroom, I just like
sleeping on the couch.'
The Rat pretended to be very sorry (not very convincingly), sidled closer
and said, "Must I never come into your apartment? Must I never see for
myself if you have a bedroom? You are very wise and very beautiful. You
should not be cruel even to a Rat.'
The Mulder meant to say, "Everyone else calls me a crackpot." But what
came out was, "You think I'm beautiful?'
The Rat moved even closer until his lips almost touched the Mulder's.
"Yeah," he whispered in that throaty little voice that never failed to
make the Mulder's knees weak. "And I really, REALLY want to see your bedroom.'
The Mulder, who really wasn't terribly wise or beautiful, nevertheless
knew a good thing when it broke into his apartment. He also knew the Rat
didn't walk alone because he wanted to and that all places are alike when
you're lonely. He knew this because he was lonely too and all the Scully's
and Skinner's in the Wild Woods could show up at his door and still never
ease his loneliness."
Mulder paused and rubbed his cheek against Alex's hair in brief caress.
/Are you listening, Alex? Was this what you needed to hear?/
"So," he continued in a deliberately light voice, "the Mulder showed
the Rat his bedroom and the Rat liked it so much that he decided to visit
the Mulder's apartment as often as he could. He also seemed to have a remarkable
fondness for fucking the Mulder through the mattress, a fact that delighted
the Mulder to no end. And rumor has it that on still nights in the Wild
Woods you can hear the Mulder's plaintive cry of "Fuck me!" for miles around.
Yet the neighbors almost never complain. The end."
Alex lay very still and for a moment Mulder wondered if he'd been wrong
to end the story on such an offhand note.
Then Alex murmured, "I like this version. Especially considering that
Skinner doesn't kick me and Scully doesn't chase me up a tree." He nuzzled
Mulder's throat and added, "Thank you."
"For not letting Skinner kick you or Scully chase you up a tree? Not
in one of my stories."
Alex suddenly raised his head and took Mulder's mouth in a furious,
breathtaking kiss. After a few moments he pulled back just far enough to
separate their lips and said in a low, rough voice, "Thank you for letting
me in."
Mulder swallowed at the naked emotion in Alex's eyes, could see everything
Alex couldn't say in their glittering depths. "Alex," he said quietly.
"I'm glad you stayed."
With a low groan, Alex lowered his head for another kiss, then nestled
against Mulder with a soft sigh.
Feeling Alex relax, Mulder smiled. "Can you sleep now?"
"Maybe."
"Maybe?"
"Wellyou did kind of gloss over what happened once we actually reached
the bedroom."
"I did? I could have sworn I covered the pertinent parts. You know,
the fabulous sex, the cries of ecstasy, the lack of complaints from the
neighbors."
"But that's the best part. I think you need to go into details."
"Alex. You already know all the details."
"Hmph. Maybe I should be the one telling the stories from now on."
"Maybe you should."
"Mulder?"
"Yes, Alex?"
"Have I ever told you those are my two favorite words? I was thinking"
"Yes, Alex?"
"Since I do know all the details"
"Yes, Alex?"
"Perhaps I could show you what you glossed over."
"Yes, Alex. Please."
"Those are my three favorite words."
"Shut up and show me."
And also from Kipling, just because I love him:
Will you conquer my heart with your beauty, my soul going out from afar?
Have I met you and passed you already, unknowing, unthinking and blind?
A Rat Tale
by Debchan
Mulder sighed when his lover restlessly shifted against him for the
third time in as many minutes.
Shall I fall to your hand as a victim of crafty and cautious shikar?
Shall I meet you next session at Simla, oh, sweetest and best of your
kind?
