Mission To touch, to hold To kiss, to love That's what I want. Always, everytime, everywhere Just with you. To protect, to guard To defend, to shelter From killers and aliens And conspiring old men Out to stop you. To support, to aid To help, to search For a lost sister, An elusive truth, Everything you want. To shield, to watch To save, to rescue From nightmares that haunt you. Fears that only come out at night Memories you hide deep inside. That's my mission now. 20 February 1997 Beyond Forgiveness There are moments when I regret all the things I did to you. I know that you'll never forgive me. But then I deserve no better. I betrayed your friendship, your trust. Rejected your most precious gift. No wonder that you hate me. But I thought I was doing the right thing. And now? Now I wonder and mourn all that I've lost. 20 February 1997 Everytime Everytime we touch I lose myself In my feelings for you Grief and longing Anger and desire Hate and love —so much, so confusing. Why do you do this to me? Why can't I simply hate you, like the enemy that you are? The Colour of Hope Green is the colour of hope, at least that's what people say. When I first met you I wanted to believe that I'd found another ally, another friend. I even dared to dream of more, dared to believe in love again. It was all a lie, wasn't it? You betrayed me right from the beginning and it hurt more than I ever want to admit. I hate you, at least that's what I try to tell myself. But every time I see you again I begin to doubt myself. I hit you, hurt you because otherwise I might kiss you. Green is the colour of hope but there was never any hope in your eyes. February 1997 Whereabouts Unknown After Hong-Kong and after that car 'accident' I didn't think I would ever see you again. But you came back again— the proverbial cat with nine lives. And as usual you turned my life upside down, took me on a roller coaster ride, made me feel things I never wanted to feel. And now I've lost you again, lost you somewhere in the wilderness of the Russian woods. How many lives do you still have, Alex? Will you turn up again, someday, somewhere? I tell myself not to care, after all you're nothing but a traitor, a murderer. But at nights I can't keep the worry away, and the dreams. Where are you, Alex? No-one seems to know and until then your whereabouts remain unknown. October 1997 Obsession I should stay away. I know this. It's too dangerous. They might see me. He might see me. But he's the reason I'm here. I should stay away, especially from him. But I can't. I tried. I really did. He's in my blood, my soul, my heart. He's the obsessive one. And my obsession. I can't stop. I should stay away but I have to see him, see he's safe, know he's still around. Just a glimpse and then I'll leave— if I can. February 2, 1998 My Fox My Fox is a strange animal some say. But I say that he's special, unique and beautiful. And —most importantly— mine. February 8, 1998 Last Night Last Night After we made love I held you in my arms And watched you fall asleep. Last Night While you lay sleeping I guarded you Against the mares of night. Last Night While you lay sleeping I tried to tell you That I love you Last Night While you lay sleeping I tried to explain Why I had to betray you. Last Night After I left you I wondered what mistake I'd made. February 23, 1998 (c) Gwendolen

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