Secrets and Salmon
I hear there's trouble in Shangri-La
I guess we don't believe
Alex awoke and opened his eyes at the sensation of Mulder's breath on his left
cheek. He closed his eyes and smiled to himself, enjoying the intimate novelty.
It still felt like a dream, orbiting on the edge of reality. His world had
never been this comforting before. He waited for the bubble to burst, for the
usual dread to return.
It didn't. If anything, the dream grew stronger, solidifying even as he opened
his eyes once more. He peered out of the corner of his eye at Mulder's sleeping
features. In the dim light of the room, he could barely make out Mulder's face.
The light of the afternoon had faded and evening was creeping in.
Mulder appeared deeply asleep and Alex wanted him to remain that way, those full
lips nearly touching his jaw. He loved the comforting slow puffs of Mulder's
warm breath against his face. Mulder's nose and forehead were resting against
him, and Mulder's arm was around his middle, keeping him tucked in closely.
Like the embrace of—
A lover.
Alex grinned, widely, feeling warmth suffuse him that had nothing to do with the
temperature of the room or Mulder's body heat, although both were pleasant
enough. This was more than cozy. It felt like more than just a dream now.
Abruptly, Alex managed to identify what exactly was causing this new experience
for him. He could touch Mulder at this instant without fearing Mulder's
reaction. The freedom to cuddle up to him, to kiss those lips that were so
close to his, to stroke Mulder's skin... He felt lightheaded with euphoric
relief and joy.
The memory from the morning returned, and he smiled at it. This time, he would
cuddle Mulder after all.
Leaning into him, he turned to press his lips to Mulder's.
Mulder moaned, returning the kiss almost mechanically, his arm tightening around
Alex.
Alex relished the pressure. It felt possessive somehow.
"Alex," Mulder murmured against his mouth.
"Did I wake you?"
"Only marginally." Mulder didn't open his eyes.
Alex chuckled. "Either I did or I didn't. You can't be marginally awake, any
more than you can be a little bit pregnant, Mulder."
Mulder gave him the finger. But he was grinning.
Alex considered Mulder's finger and moved, leaned down quickly, catching it in
his mouth, sucking on it.
Mulder's eyes flew open. He looked down at Alex, who lifted his head and
regarded Mulder with a mischievous grin.
"I guess once wasn't enough, was it?"
Mulder snickered. "Alex, you can blow me anytime."
"My pleasure, Mulder, so long as you return the favor this time." Alex moved to
hover over Mulder.
"You could lick me, too, you know. You can lick me anytime, anywhere," Mulder
declared, pulling Alex down into another kiss.
Shaking with silent chuckling, Alex returned the kiss and then pulled away as
Mulder's stomach gurgled loudly.
He looked up at Mulder, their eyes meeting in the darkness of the bedroom, and
Alex said, "Dinner."
"Definitely."
"And then dessert," Alex pointed out.
"Again, that is a definite." Mulder yawned and stretched as Alex moved away,
pulling back the covers. Mulder turned on the lamp and then got up from the
bed.
Alex swung his feet over the edge of the bed and stood, following Mulder's
example with a spine-cracking stretch. For the first time in a long time, he no
longer felt uncomfortable without his clothing, in front of Mulder—or anyone
else for that matter. He was glad but at the same time puzzled. He hadn't
expected that having sex with Mulder would result in losing the inhibition of
being naked in front of him. Somehow, he took confidence from the easy, casual
way that Mulder sauntered naked before him.
As they pulled their clothes back on, Mulder met his eyes once, twice, three
times and finally muttered, "How the hell am I supposed to keep my hands off of
you, now?"
Alex sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled his socks on. "Whoever said you
had to?"
Mulder raised his brows. "So I can accost you anytime I want, huh?"
Alex grinned. "Sure. But remember that I have the same privilege."
Mulder licked his lips, thoughtfully. "You know, this sounds like the start of
a beautiful friendship."
Alex stood and walked right up to him, grabbed the back of his neck and pulled
him into a searing kiss. When he let go of Mulder, the man was breathing hard.
Alex said, "No, it's more than that. Friends don't kiss each other like that, do
they? None of mine do."
"If they don't, it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't want to," Mulder
muttered as Alex turned to open the bedroom door and go downstairs.
In the kitchen, Alex found himself putting dishes away in cupboards while Mulder
took the salmon out of the freezer and turned on the oven. Alex decided to set
the table while Mulder fussed over rice and frozen peas. Considering the way
that Mulder busied himself with the food, he asked, "This is really getting to
you, isn't it?"
Mulder stopped and turned to look at him. "What do you mean?"
Alex shrugged. "This... new 'thing' we have here. What was that about my
friends? Are you saying that all my friends secretly want to kiss me? Or that
you have secretly wanted to?"
Mulder snorted and turned back to the stove, putting the rice on to boil.
"Both. If you're so naÔve that you don't know how people respond to you, hell,
there's no helping you."
Alex paused, holding a clean glass. He set it down in front of Mulder's plate.
When he didn't reply, Mulder turned again and regarded him. Quietly, Mulder
continued, "I don't think you really know how strong it is, the effect you have
on people."
"Well, that makes two of us," Alex commented.
It was Mulder's turn to shrug. "Perhaps. But you've always had people looking
at you like you're a rare steak and they're starving."
Alex frowned at him. "It says a lot about you, that you've noticed."
Mulder grinned, unexpectedly. "I know."
Bemused, Alex asked, "How long have you been noticing, Mulder?"
Mulder sighed and turned to the salmon in the casserole dish. He began to cover
it with aluminum foil. "For a while. Every time we've met, you've had people
staring at you. I can't believe you haven't been aware of that."
Softly, Alex replied, "Maybe because I was so busy staring at you." Then he
frowned again. "Or trying not to. Wait, stop—what are you doing?" He went
over to the salmon and lifted the foil off of the dish. "You need to put lemon
on that. And butter. And maybe a little salt and pepper."
Mulder went to the fridge, retrieved a lemon and a stick of butter, and picked
up a sharp knife. Cutting the lemon in half, he garnished the salmon. "I don't
think I've been imagining things. And it's not just me. You are attractive,
Alex."
Alex looked away. "White wine, with this?" He went to the fridge.
Mulder nodded at the small pantry off to the side. "It's in there."
After he went inside and located the wine, Alex stayed in the pantry, slowly
staring down at the wine bottle in his hand. Mulder had just revealed that he'd
been noticing others looking at him, him, almost proprietarily so. As if he
belonged to Mulder. As if Mulder didn't like others looking at him. Even when
hating his guts and beating on him, Mulder considered him to be his property.
Interesting.
He finally came out of the pantry and put the wine on the table. Mulder had put
the salmon in the oven, put the rice and peas on to cook, had fixed coffee and
was leaning against the counter, his arms folded, waiting as the coffee maker
burbled.
Alex sat down at the kitchen table, before the empty plates. Leaning back in
his chair, he asked, "You've never lost your ideals, have you?"
Mulder nodded. "Yes, I did. Only artists and entrepreneurs keep their dreams,
their visions."
"So why did you keep going? You never gave up."
"Why did you?" Mulder rejoined, pointedly.
The air suddenly grew thick and Alex could feel the answer welling up within him
like a dangerous floodtide. He wanted to answer truthfully, but he didn't dare.
Not yet. It was too soon. Mulder wasn't ready to hear it—at least, that's
what he told himself. But he knew that he was the one who couldn't handle it
yet. So he settled for the easy answer. "I couldn't afford to. The stakes were
too high."
Mulder regarded him with a curious gaze. "I have given up though. That's why I
came up here. I needed to think about myself for once, instead of the pursuit
of the truth. I've had to accept that there is no final truth."
Alex bit his lip. Jesus—Mulder didn't know. He really didn't have any idea.
"You remember that episode you had a few years ago, with the metal fragment of
the ship in Africa and how it affected you?"
"Yeah?" Mulder froze, transfixed by this change of topic.
"Do you know why it affected you the way that it did?"
Mulder hesitated. "I suppose you're going to tell me?"
Alex let out a breath. "Those artifacts... they only affect certain
individuals. In different ways, yes, but there is one commonality that all of
the subjects who have ever responded to those fragments shared."
Mulder waited.
Alex leaned forward. "Mulder, they were all hybrids. All of you were. You
are the truth you've been searching for. Why do you think you were protected?
Why do you think the Smoking Man ensured your immunity?"
Mulder looked troubled. "Because he was my biological father. Wasn't he?"
Alex licked his lips, not really knowing how he was going to explain it. "Only
partially."
Mulder's voice, as well as his brows, rose higher as he repeated, "Partially?"
Alex sat back, wondering if he was doing the right thing by revealing this now.
"It was agreed that Mrs. Mulder would be artificially impregnated with an embryo
that had both her own DNA and that of a Gray, mixed with that of the Smoker's to
provide a stable XY chromosome base for the other two. It's been quite a common
practice among the aliens to run generational hybrid programs in human females.
It was one of the more interesting steps of the Project. It was one that was
being held jointly between the Syndicate and the Grays."
Mulder didn't look horrified. He looked fascinated. "So I have two fathers?
And one of them was an alien?"
Alex swallowed. "You were... special. You were one of the first. The first
successful hybrid. And you were formed naturally. There was very little
tampering—it was a successful genetic bonding between the three, although the
amount of Gray DNA in you is very slight, it's enough to ensure your...more
interesting qualities. That's partly why you have such an intuitive
intelligence. It wasn't just a genetic fluke—it's part of your heritage from
the alien side of your... genetic makeup. The introduction of the alien DNA
into the equation would ensure that you carry traits that are not as dominant in
human genetics at this time."
Mulder stared at him. Then he said, "Gibson Praise. No wonder they snatched
that kid up so fast. He was a hybrid."
"Of course," Alex nodded. "But not one that the Consortium had created. He had
slightly different talents or traits than you or the others, but Cassandra
Spender was the real prize, because she was the first ordinary human that was
successfully adapted using the alien DNA, rather than being a hybrid by birth."
"Considering the Project failed, I'm surprised that I wasn't killed off before
now," Mulder said.
"I'm not sure, but I never had the impression that the Grays found the hybrids a
threat, actually. Not those. I think they found it just as intriguing. And to
be honest, I think they've been running their own quiet, widespread hybrid
program among the population, concurrently with the Consortium's attempts. And
more successfully, as well. Gibson Praise was evidence of that."
Mulder's eyes were shining. "But that would mean that there are many more
human-alien hybrids out there than anyone suspects."
"Right."
Alex looked back at him, wondering if Mulder was going to become enthusiastic
enough about this to insist that they investigate further. But the rice began
to boil over and Mulder quickly turned to whip off the lid and turn down the
heat.
Alex got up to get two coffee cups and poured the fresh, hot coffee into them.
He placed a cup on the counter next to Mulder.
"Thanks," Mulder said absently, stirring the rice.
Sitting back down at the table, Alex sipped his coffee and waited.
Mulder put the lid back on the rice and turned. "Where is the Smoking Man?"
Alex looked away. "He's... dead."
Mulder regarded him, eyes narrowing in sudden comprehension. "You killed him."
Alex closed his eyes and sighed.
Not just one, but two. Both of Mulder's fathers. And the number of Grays he'd
plammed, too... Who knows? Maybe he'd ended up killing the original Gray who'd
contributed part of his DNA to that particular experiment as well, he thought
morosely to himself. He looked up at Mulder and answered, "He knew that the
ship was there to collect abductees, Mulder. The smoking bastard led us all
into that particular trap. You don't think I would have brought you the
information about that ship and the alien bounty hunter's activities if I'd
known you would be at risk, do you?"
Mulder chuckled. "No, I don't. You would have kept that from me too, along
with everything else out of fear of losing me. Keep Spooky Mulder in the dark.
He's safer that way. Right?"
Alex winced. "It's not a fucking joke, Mulder. You died at their hands! They
fucking injected you with their latest virus to ensure that you'd no longer be a
threat to their plans."
Quietly, Mulder nodded. "I know that. Why are you getting so upset about it?
We both know that, Alex."
Breathing hard, Alex looked away.
"Alex?" Mulder repeated, not letting him off the hook.
"Because it—I—I didn't want to lose you." Alex flushed and he looked angrily
back up at Mulder's placid face. "We both know that too, so why are you rubbing
my nose it?"
Mulder looked a little taken aback. "I'm not trying to."
"Bullshit. You know how hard it was, hearing you'd been fucking buried,
Mulder? I don't think you have any idea. I think you're just getting off on the
fact that I cared. But I don't think you'll ever know just how fucking
difficult that was. I didn't—" he stopped, aware that he was losing it, and in
front of Mulder as well. Which was unpardonable. "I didn't think I'd ever see
you again," he added, in a hoarse tone.
Mulder swallowed. "I'm sorry, Alex."
Alex snorted and looked away. "Right. And I'm a sentimental idiot."
"No, you aren't. I know it was hard on Scully, on all of them. I just didn't
realize how hard it was on you, that's all. But I see now it might have been
hardest of all for you."
"Don't worry about it. I got over it fairly quickly."
Mulder smiled, gently. "Sure." He picked up his coffee and drank. "If you say
so."
Alex was furious with himself. Why did he always manage to somehow lose his
cool? And why was it so hard still, even now that they'd become...lovers... to
tell Mulder how he felt? Ah, of course. He was still wide open for betrayal.
He couldn't trust Mulder yet. And he knew that if Mulder discovered that
poignant little factoid, he'd probably be very hurt and claim Alex had been
playing him all along.
"It's alright," Mulder reassured him. "I get it. I do."
"You do?" Alex asked, suspiciously.
Mulder chuckled over his coffee cup. "Don't make me say it. Are you really
ready for either of us to say it, just yet?"
Alex let out a sigh and scowled, looking away.
The salmon in the oven was starting to fill the kitchen with a delicious aroma.
It was Alex's turn for his stomach to rumble.
"It's okay, Alex," Mulder said in that same comforting, gentle tone of voice.
The affectionate response that surged through Alex was almost unbearable. How
badly he wanted to believe in this. In the new friendship they seemed to have.
But even though they'd both changed over the years, through it all, Alex was
painfully aware of Mulder's predilections. He'd have to tread a very careful
line here, as he ran the risk of exciting Mulder into a renewed pursuit of more
'truths' of the same nature he'd just revealed to him. He also ran the risk of
leaving himself completely open to being flayed, both inside and out.
Oh hell, who was he kidding? He'd long since abandoned his defenses. He'd left
them at the front door when he walked in here, the night before. Earlier, even.
Down at the beach with that momentary lapse of common sense, when he'd revealed
the true depth of his feelings for Mulder, far beyond any mere sexual
attraction.
He was in deep now. Feeling uncomfortable and drowning in apprehension, Alex
studied his coffee.
Mulder slowly advanced, coming to stand right beside him, and then leaned down
to tilt Alex's face up to meet his, as he kissed him. The sheer tenderness of
Mulder's kiss was enough to make Alex's insides melt. Not letting go of his
chin, Mulder pulled back and said, softly, "It's alright. I know. I already
know. You can stop worrying. And I'm not going to kick you out."
Trying to quell the abrupt arousal that flared heatedly in his jeans, Alex
licked his lips nervously. Pavlov's dog, indeed. "Mulder, I—" But he stopped.
He still couldn't say it. Not like this, not so obviously, in the light down
here in the kitchen. Upstairs in bed was another matter. So was outside on the
beach in a fit of anger. But like this, with Mulder cupping his face so
tenderly, looking down at him with an expression of acceptance, he couldn't.
Mulder smiled again and let go, returning to the stove to stir the peas.
Wonderingly, Alex watched. "I could give you the world," he murmured.
"I know that too," Mulder said with his back still to him. "But not if it would
place me in danger, which is why you haven't. Although, you've had the means
for a while now, haven't you? I couldn't help but notice that you didn't step
in and take charge after the Syndicate Elders were barbecued."
Alex sighed through his nose. "Yeah. I didn't relish the further sacrifices
I'd have to make in order to see that through. My hands were already dirty
enough." He refrained from using the word 'bloody', although he knew Mulder
would be thinking of their earlier discussion.
Mulder leaned down to open the oven door and check the salmon. Alex couldn't
help his gaze from sliding down to admire Mulder's ass as the man leaned over,
saying, "It's nearly there. Another five minutes, I think."
Alex wondered if Mulder would be up to another ass-fucking, later. After dinner,
he mused silently. That would be the best dessert.
Mulder was giving him an odd look. "Alex?"
"Yeah?" He roused himself, looking up.
"I said, shall we open the wine?" Mulder's expression told him he suspected
what Alex was thinking as he'd blanked out, there.
Alex grinned. "We can open anything you like."
Mulder nodded. Then, out of the blue, he said, "It makes sense, actually.
Cancerman was a member of MJ-12, like Deep Throat. He would have used his
position to ensure that his DNA was used in the creation of... me. But what
about Samantha?"
Alex gave him a frown at his abrupt change of subject. "Mulder, only you would
choose to open a can of worms over anything else."
"I didn't open it," Mulder countered. "You did."
Alex sighed heavily. "Your sister was Bill and Teena Mulder's daughter, and a
small amount of alien DNA was added to the formation of her embryo after
conception. A very small amount."
Mulder's expression flickered. "Was it the same Gray that contributed to mine?"
"I have no idea."
Mulder asked, "Do I have to come over there and kiss you again, to get you to
stop frowning at me?"
Alex paused, wondering why Mulder was switching back and forth between the two
subjects like this. "No, I..." What was he saying? Passing up an opportunity
to kiss Mulder again, he had to be nuts. Then he realized, "No, or we'll never
get to eat."
Mulder turned again and leaned down to take the fish out of the oven, affording
Alex another enticing view of that ass. "You're burning a hole in my jeans,"
Mulder commented.
Alex straightened with a smirk. "You don't need jeans. You don't need
clothes."
"I'd get cold pretty quickly," Mulder pointed out, ripping the foil off the
casserole dish, gingerly. Steam instantly lifted, bearing the scent of the
salmon with it.
"I'd keep you warm," Alex promised.
Mulder turned at this, and Alex saw he was grinning. "Your choice, Alex. Do
you want me on the kitchen table or back upstairs?"
Alex shifted in his seat, his own jeans growing tighter. "Let's play it by ear.
We may not make it upstairs."
Checking the rice, Mulder said, "Finally. Give me a hand here?" Then paused as
he realized what he'd said.
Alex knew Mulder was thinking of how he'd lost his arm. He got up and went to
help him, leaning over to take advantage of Mulder's inability to respond,
occupied as he was with holding the pot of rice in one hand and the lid to it in
the other, and kissed him on the cheek. "A hand or a hand-job—it's all the
same." He chuckled as Mulder stood for a moment, blinking.
Mulder donned an oven mitt and picked up the dish of salmon and a spatula. He
brought it over to their plates, dividing the salmon between both of them.
"We're having Digby Chicks for Christmas Dinner."
Alex was puzzled at this obscure phrase. "Digby Chicks?"
"Yeah. During the depression, the poor traditionally had smoked herring instead
of Christmas chicken for supper. And here we are, with salmon."
Alex shrugged. "I don't know—seems kind of fitting after last night's dinner,
actually."
"It isn't too late for a re-enactment of the Last Tango in Digby," Mulder
quipped.
Alex strained the rice and brought it to the table for Mulder to dish out.
"Sure, as long as you don't mind using butter. I've run out of lube, in any
case."
Mulder sucked a breath into his lungs. He turned and went to place the empty
dish back on the stovetop. "I'll be right back." He walked out of the kitchen.
Alex stared after him. "Where are you going?" he called.
"To get lube," Mulder called back from the stairs.
Snickering, Alex went to strain the peas. As he did so, however, his mirth
slipped away. Earlier that afternoon after being thoroughly fucked by Mulder,
he'd tried to offer Mulder a way out. And he hadn't lied, he didn't want Mulder
feeling committed to this. Prematurely, at least. But Mulder kept breaking down
the tentative walls he erected. It was true, Mulder wasn't the one who was
afraid of intimacy: Alex was.
Sex was one thing. Love was another. There, he'd said it to himself, if
nothing else. And it wasn't just any old love, like the love of a friend or
even a lover. He was in love. Mad, crazy and fucking obsessed. And Mulder
knew it. Was giving him the space to work up the nerve to say it. Was letting
him have all the room he needed while reassuring him at the same time as he
continued returning Alex's desire. It was moving so fast. He swallowed,
closing his eyes. How the hell was he supposed to let go when Mulder decided
their time was up?
How much longer did they really have? When would Mulder deem his time had come
to a close and Mulder no longer needed him? A wistful melancholy descended upon
him once more. If he blurted out that he loved him, Mulder might still think he
was trying to emotionally manipulate him, or even—God forbid—that he was too
needy and clinging. If he didn't, he ran the risk of Mulder believing that it
didn't really mean that much to him beyond the sex either.
Mulder came back downstairs and entered the kitchen, noting that Alex was
standing over the sink with the peas in the strainer. "I brought the bottle,
this time. Hey, you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." Alex quickly poured the peas back into the pan and took it to
the table.
Mulder opened the wine and filled their glasses. He sat down at the table,
saying, "It's getting cold, so let's dig in."
Alex sat down, thoughtfully, and picked up his fork.
Mulder was already eating. "What's up? You've got that pensive look on your
face again."
"You said that you'd be here for another week or so."
Mildly, Mulder asked, "Fishing, Alex? Can't we just take each day at a time,
here? To tell you the truth, I don't know what I'm going to do. And besides,
I'm not sure I could smuggle you back across the border. It might be safer to
keep you here and extend the lease on this place."
Alex choked on his mouthful of salmon. Raising his wine glass quickly, he took a
sip. Glaring as Mulder chuckled at him, he said, "I'm not your pet."
"Aren't you?" Mulder grinned.
"And there I was, thinking you had scruples," Alex countered. "If you think I'd
wear your collar or some shit like that, you have another thing coming."
"No? Well then... I could wear yours, instead," Mulder said, before taking
another bite of fish and rice.
"I'd rather see you wearing a ring," Alex said, waiting for that to sink into
Mulder's consciousness. Then, as Mulder's expression changed, he added, "A
cockring."
"Sadist," Mulder muttered.
"Pervert," Alex returned.
Mulder laughed. "I'm not the one sitting here with a hard-on."
"I could remedy that for you," Alex suggested, thinking that Mulder was getting
far too cocky. "In fact, I think I will, right after we've finished eating,
here. Yeah, I'm going to change your religion, Mulder. I'm going to help you
star in your very own home video. In this kitchen, on this very same table."
"I know," Mulder said, nonchalantly chewing his last bite of salmon. "That's
why I brought the lube down."
Alex stopped, ensuring he had Mulder's full attention as he picked up his glass
again. He licked the rim of it, very slowly, before taking another sip.
Lowering his voice, he said, "Take off your pants, Mulder."
Mulder watched, enchanted, a nice shade of red creeping into his cheeks. Alex
noted the dilation of the pupils in Mulder's wide hazel eyes.
Mulder twitched and then raised a brow at him. "I'm not done eating yet."
"I know. I can see that."
Mulder pursed his lips. "I'll get cold," he said.
"Wimp," Alex said.
"I knew it," Mulder said, standing up and unbuttoning his jeans, pulling down
the zipper. "You are a sadist." He pulled his jeans down, and then sat, where
he finished taking them off, over each ankle. "There, happy now?"
Alex leered at him. "No, but I will be. Very soon. Don't worry, I'm going to
make you happy too."
Mulder snorted and leaned down, reaching into the pocket of his discarded jeans.
"Here. No butter required." He put the bottle of Astroglide on the table next
to the wine bottle.
Alex stared at it and then looked up at Mulder. "I think we should wait a
while. You know, give ourselves time to digest our food."
Mulder was running the tip of his tongue over his lips. He shifted in his seat.
Alex decided to let him suffer and ride it out for a while.
"Thanks for the vaccine, by the way," Mulder said, casually.
Alex stared back up at him. "What -?"
Mulder motioned with his fork. "After they dug me up. In the Naval Hospital.
Remember?"
"Sure. Glad I could help. Like I said before, you're welcome."
"And thanks for being here with me. For being my friend." Mulder delivered
this gravely, sincerely.
Alex swallowed in a suddenly dry throat, the salmon threatening to choke him.
"I was wrong about you," Mulder went on, declaring this in a no—nonsense tone
of voice. "I didn't want to trust you, to believe you. I thought you were
trying to capitalize on the fact that I was on the edge, up here. But I believe
you."
Alex fiddled with his glass. Glancing up to meet Mulder's serious eyes, he
replied, "I'm glad. Thanks for taking the chance on me. I know it wasn't easy,
considering all that's gone on between us."
Mulder nodded, slowly. And then continued eating.
They both ate in silence for a little while, before it occurred to Alex that he
hadn't yet addressed the issue of forgiveness. He wasn't going to beg Mulder to
forgive him, but he wanted to know if there was any chance that Mulder was still
considering casting him out into the cold the moment he was sure Alex would
really be hurt by it. To repay him for what he'd done.
Alex realized in the next heartbeat that Mulder wouldn't. The man had too much
integrity. And he found himself thanking whatever spirits or angels were
looking after Mulder that he, Alex, would rather give up his remaining arm than
betray Mulder's confidence again. It would be too easy, he knew, for Mulder to
give him the benefit of the doubt and for him to really fuck Mulder over, here.
But maybe one of the reasons Mulder was trusting him, now, was that he knew,
sensed even, that he could trust Alex this late in the game. And that Alex
had changed enough to be genuinely there for him.
He frowned. "Mulder, how did you know that I meant what I said? That I wasn't
here to betray you?"
It was almost like picking at a scab that itched. He couldn't help asking. The
moment the words were out of his mouth, he regretted it. This thing between
them was still far too fragile.
But Mulder surprised him. "Because you cried. I wasn't sure until then."
Alex looked down at his nearly cleared plate. "I could have been acting."
"Were you?" It was a loaded question, but Alex could tell Mulder was daring him
to lie about it.
"No." A dart of sorrow went through him, remembering it. No, he hadn't been
acting. If anything, he'd been ashamed to so completely come apart like that,
in front of Mulder.
"You betrayed yourself," Mulder pointed out, with a reassuring smile. "You're
good, but you're not that good. And most of your lies have been lies of
omission, in the past."
Astounded, Alex let out a surprised breath. "Really? Do tell."
"Haven't they?" Mulder asked, in the same tone as before.
Again, Mulder was relying on Alex's conscience to be his guide, Alex realized.
"Yeah, they have," he admitted, feeling another small amount of the weight that
had always sat within him lift slightly.
"I thought so," Mulder murmured, his eyes glittering as he regarded him.
Alex smiled. "Thanks. And thanks for dinner. It was good. Not as exotic as
the one I treated you to, but... gotta love those Digby Chicks. Thank you."
And he wasn't just thanking him for the food. He hoped Mulder understood that.
"It isn't over yet. We still have dessert." Mulder winked at him and gave a
little smile.
Alex's mind was filled with renewed images at this. Mulder, naked... Mulder,
his shorts down, bent over the table, leaning, awaiting Alex... His flanks
trembling... begging for it...
Alex nearly gasped at the thought of taking Mulder. His erection hadn't
flagged, throughout the entire meal.
Mulder started chuckling and drank the last of his wine.
It would be very easy at this moment to put any worry of the future out of his
mind. Alex wondered about the issue of trust, though. Was it just sex for
Mulder? Mulder already knew how Alex felt about him. Mulder was also aware of
how much Alex wanted to stay here with him. He'd practically promised Alex that
they could remain here... 'Extend the lease', indeed. But he had yet to hear
from Mulder that he actually returned Alex's affection.
Mulder squirmed in his chair. But then he said, "Alex, I meant what I said.
Stop worrying. I want you, too. It's not just a game for me."
Alex's gaze flicked down to regard the empty plates, then over to the lube. He
looked back up at him. "I believe you." He meant to say it calmly, but he
could hear the urgency in his own voice even as it was colored with his longing.
He held Mulder's eyes, reveling in the fact that he could now look at Mulder's
face as long as he wanted, drink in his eyes, admire his mouth and mentally
touch his cheek, run his fingers through his hair. He felt a moment's anger and
pain that he couldn't hold him with both arms.
Mulder swallowed, staring back him, his eyes going quite dark, lust—filled and
wide. "Prove it," he said, his breath coming harder.
Alex's breath caught in his chest. FUCK. To do this now... and after waiting
for the duration of the dinner, his erection stone-hard and refusing to go down
despite his willing it to do so. The table was probably large enough and sturdy
enough to endure it, Alex thought. Alex stood up, picked up the Astroglide and
flipped open the top. "Stand up."
Mulder did so, revealing his tented shorts. He pushed the chair out of the way
and then reached out to shove the plate out of the way too.
"Nice. But pull them down. In fact, take them off," Alex ordered, putting the
lube down on the table again momentarily. His own hand went to his jeans and he
opened them, pulling them down over his hips.
Mulder pulled off his shorts and stood leaning against the table. He leaned
down farther, bending at the waist and leaving his ass bare, exposed to Alex's
intentions.
The wine was flowing through his bloodstream now. Alex found his breath
hitching as he prepared his cock, squirting the lube on it generously. He
rubbed the lubricant all over himself, enjoying the slick, warm sensation of his
hand on his cock. Then, stepping up behind Mulder, he said, hoarsely, "Spread
yourself."
Mulder's face was scarlet now. His hands shook slightly as he stayed bent over
the table, resting against it, and reached back to part his asscheeks for Alex.
At the sight of that tight, secret hole that he'd been inside of only just the
night before, Alex felt his cock jump in his hand. He swallowed, hard. He
wanted to take Mulder properly, to do it right. Do it the way he had wanted to,
over their dinner table in the hotel. Do it the way he'd wanted Mulder to do to
him.
Sliding two slick fingers up and then down Mulder's crack, he pressed them
against Mulder's anus, saying, "Can you take it? After last night?"
Mulder groaned. "Alex, please." Mulder instinctively pulled his cheeks apart
even farther, his anus contracting and then fluttering slightly against Alex's
fingertips.
Alex slid one finger into him, then another, slowly, enjoying the silky
tightness that gripped them and the accompanying longer groan from Mulder.
"God, please," Mulder gasped, moving to stand with his legs spread apart wider
for him.
So beautiful, too beautiful like this, Alex thought, hardly able to believe that
it was actually happening. After all the wet dreams and fantasies he'd
entertained over the years, he was about to fuck Fox Mulder in daylight. Over a
kitchen table, no less. Who ever would have thought?
And Mulder was so fucking gorgeous like this, pushing sluttishly back against
his hand, eager for Alex's fingers to probe even deeper.
He leaned in close, pulling his fingers out of Mulder's ass and quickly grabbed
his cock, aiming for Mulder's hole. Sliding in past that tight ring of muscle,
Alex was close to coming, just from the sensation alone on the head of his cock.
He bit his lower lip, hard, not wanting to hurt Mulder... And then realized he
needed to do it rough. Hard and rough. He was willing to bet Mulder did too.
"How do you want it, Mulder?" he asked, letting the promise of granting Mulder's
wish ring through his voice, as well as the slight threat if Mulder didn't ask
for the right thing.
"Hard. I want it hard," Mulder said, his voice straining, the desperation
obvious in his words. "Give to me."
Alex pushed in deeper, letting his cock sink into Mulder all the way, until he
was inside of Mulder's ass as far as he could go. He was going to fuck Mulder
so hard. God, yes, deep and rough. He growled, letting loose the pent-up
desire he'd been holding back all through the meal.
He began to thrust into Mulder, waiting a few seconds before repeating the
motion each time, keeping Mulder jerking slightly under it and shaking as he
waited for Alex to keep going, to do it again.
Oh God, fucking Mulder, fucking him right here. After all this time, after all
these years. It sent a spark of wet heat sharply pricking behind his eyelids in
tandem with the sharply electric surge in his belly.
Mulder gave an open-mouthed cry with every push of Alex's cock into his ass.
That alone was almost enough to bring Alex to his peak right there. The added
delicious feeling of Mulder's tight and silken clenching heat was making him
whimper and grunt. He felt like an animal, finally able to let go. It was even
better than the night before. And without any warning, he felt the heat rise
and sweep over his skin, like a brushfire, as it began to burn over him from his
toes and all the way up his body to his face. His scalp tingled, even the hair
on his head feeling sensitive as he began thrusting more erratically into him.
Aware he was getting too close, Alex reached down hastily and felt around. He
encountered Mulder's anxious and dripping cock and began to palm it, slowly,
then waited until he could feel the tide of his own pleasure begin to crest
before jerking on him roughly.
Slamming into Mulder's ass, bucking against him, he cried out as the storm of
hot pleasure rippled through him. It gripped his lower belly with a fierce,
renewed rush of lust and then shot out of his cock. Spastically, he shuddered
with a nearly silent shout as he emptied himself into Mulder's body.
Mulder followed him soon afterwards, jolting under him, against the table, his
cock going off in Alex's firm grip and spattering the underside of the wooden
table with his come.
They vibrated together, caught in the grasp of their climax, both shaking the
table and threatening to topple the empty glasses. And then there was nothing
left in Alex's consciousness except the fact that he was as close to Mulder as
he would ever, ever be. For a brief flickering instant, he wished they were
face to face; so he could see Mulder's expression, look into his eyes. In the
next, he was grateful they weren't, else he wouldn't have been able to contain
his terror at such intimacy, such beauty.
Alex let out a shaky breath, aware that he had scraped his throat raw with
shouts somewhere along the way. He didn't remember screaming but then again,
his hearing had fled momentarily when his orgasm had poured out of him.
Mulder was panting on the table, his ass still tightening around Alex's spent
cock occasionally. He gave a breath that sounded almost like a sob. Of relief
or pain or even pleasure, Alex couldn't tell.
Alex leaned over him, licking briefly at the back of Mulder's neck before
resting against him. He closed his eyes, not wanting to ruin the moment but
suddenly biting back words of love and tenderness. God, since when had he
metamorphosed into a romantic sap? It wasn't him; it was this place. Most
romantic place in Canada, indeed, he suddenly thought to himself, enjoying the
heat pouring off of Mulder's back and legs, the way that his come in Mulder's
ass was liquid silk against his softening cock, and the perfect way they fit
together. He remained there, molded against Mulder's perfect ass, inside of him
and around him. He almost wished they were back upstairs in bed.
He didn't want to say anything to break the silence and unexpectedly found
himself fighting back tears. Why couldn't anything be easy? And when was it
enough? He had wanted this for so long and to finally hold it in his hand was
terrifying. He felt full and content, his body truly satiated at last. But
deep inside, that little flame of hope that had never died, that had always
waited and burned and kept flickering throughout even some of the most hopeless
and despairing times of his life in the past eight years, suddenly flared
brighter.
He pressed a kiss to the back of Mulder's neck and then started to pull out.
Looking around, he saw the roll of paper towels and hiked his jeans up enough to
sidle over and get some. Mulder moaned deeply and then lifted himself from the
table. He ambled over to join Alex and accepted the paper towel that Alex
handed him. Mulder looked awesome. He was flushed, his mouth parted, a faint
sheen of sweat covering him. He looked utterly delicious.
Mulder didn't look directly at him, but he was wearing a smile. "Well, when you
promise to do it hard, you really deliver and do it hard."
Alex regarded him and turned to throw the wadded-up paper towel into the trash.
"I didn't hurt you, did I?"
"No. You could do it a lot harder, actually." Mulder said it casually and then
turned to also toss his paper towel. He didn't miss.
He turned a smug look on Alex who deliberately let his gaze fall to take in
Mulder's naked lower half, drawing attention to the fact that Mulder's shirt was
doing very little in the way of covering him.
Mulder leaned in and grabbed Alex, pulling him against him tightly. Caught in
Mulder's embrace, Alex could only reach up and hold him. Mulder said in his ear,
"If you think you're leaving after this, you're wrong. You're not getting away
now."
But Alex could hear the plea in Mulder's words. "No, I'm not," he promised,
huskily, cursing himself for being a coward even now and not saying all he
wanted to say. The fear and the happiness mingled somehow inside of him and all
he could do was just—stand there and let Mulder hold him.
Mulder stood there for a few minutes, aware that he needed it, that they both
needed it, holding onto him. Then finally, he relaxed, stepping back and giving
Alex a slightly self-conscious smile. "I need to put my pants back on. I'm
freezing my ass off, here."
"I'm giving serious consideration to pursuing research into transparent
textiles," Alex said, grinning.
Mulder raised his brows at him before bending down to pick up his jeans and
shorts. "Maybe we need to go somewhere tropical then, where we can run free and
wild, uncivilized and unhampered by clothing."
Alex examined the coffee pot. There was still enough for a cup for each of
them. "Shall we go back to the living room?"
"Yeah. I want to check the weather report... IF we're getting any reception."
Mulder brought Alex's cup back to the sink and washed both cups before handing
them to him. Alex poured the coffee and Mulder took them into the living room.
Alex regarded the food. The salmon was gone. The leftover rice and peas he
placed in two separate bowls and put in the fridge.
Mulder had settled down on one end of the couch, his legs tucked under him. He
had turned the TV on but the reception was terrible. Alex frowned at the
television and went to the front door, unlocking and opening it to peer outside,
up at the sky. It was getting very dark but he could still make out that it was
quite overcast. A chill wind was blowing, promising ice and perhaps blizzards.
He shut the door and went to sit down on the couch, not quite in the middle.
"It'll probably snow again, unless it gets much colder."
"Mm. We should clear the driveway tomorrow morning."
Alex looked over at him, wondering if he should move closer and then realized
that for the first time in his life, it was okay to do so. With a slight smile,
he scooted up against Mulder, who shifted slightly to accommodate him. Leaning
against Mulder with a happy sigh, he settled into him, allowing himself to relax
against Mulder's body.
Mulder's right arm was resting along the back of the sofa and he let it drop
down to encircle Alex, holding him.
Lazily, Mulder said, "You feel good."
"So do you," Alex quietly replied, amazed to find himself actually snuggling
against Fox Mulder, of all people.
"Kind of unbelievable, isn't it," Mulder said.
"Yeah."
"I'm glad, though. I'm glad you came here, Alex. I'm glad you didn't take no
for answer, yesterday."
Alex closed his eyes, feeling Mulder's voice resonate against his body. He
tightened his arm around Mulder's middle. "Me, too." He didn't trust himself
to say anything more about it.
The television was dancing with fuzzy black and white spots and finally Mulder
pointed the remote at it and turned it off. The fire had died but despite the
cold of the room, they were warm against each other. The only light in the room
was the lamp behind them.
"I'm not tired," Mulder announced, quietly.
Alex snickered against him. "Meaning?"
"Well, we've slept, we've talked, we've eaten, and we've screwed. What's left?"
Alex took a breath and sighed contentedly. "Who knows? Let's just—be."
Mulder didn't answer for while. Then Alex felt him take a breath, but he wasn't
prepared for Mulder's words.
"I love you, Alex. I think I always did. That was the only reason I ever hated
you, in fact. But I do."
And there it was. Stated out in the open. So simply and plainly. So clearly.
So quietly. Alex forgot to breathe. He couldn't breathe at all. And then he
was wondering what to say. He couldn't speak, because his throat had closed up.
Probably because his heart had leapt up into it and was closing off his ability
to say anything at all.
And then Mulder squeezed him, once. "It's okay. For the first time, it's
really okay, isn't it?"
Alex swallowed. He managed to say, "Yeah. It is."
"Actually, I want to thank you for last night, too. You really helped me out
there. I was able to sleep again, afterward. I can't usually fall asleep after
a nightmare. I spend the rest of the night sitting up and trying like hell to
not fall sleep. But last night, that was a first as well."
Alex frowned. "I'm good, Mulder, but I'm not that good. I'm not sure I can
take away the pain and the trauma."
Mulder squeezed him again. "You don't have to. But you are going to sleep
with me from now on."
Alex grinned. "Just try to kick me out, and see what happens."
Mulder considered this. "What would you do?"
In a lazy, relaxed tone, Alex replied, "I have a pair of cuffs with your name on
them, and I'm not afraid to use them on you."
"Kinky. I knew it, you really are a sadist."
"And you're getting hard just thinking about it. Pervert. We could always
drive into town and find that lonely, horny constable. Ask him if he minds
lending us his jail cell for the night."
"Stop it. You're doing this deliberately. Let me get my breath back first,
before we try for another round," Mulder admonished him.
"You realize we can't leave here until we've fucked in every room in the house?"
"Of course."
"Bedroom, kitchen... That leaves the bathroom, the pantry and the laundry room."
"And the shower. That can count as one, too," Mulder pointed out.
"Okay, sure."
"We could do that one next."
Alex snickered silently, hearing the hope and the grin in Mulder's voice.
"Nympho."
"Seducer," Mulder shot back.
"We could ask the sheriff to record the whole incident for us to take back with
us the next morning," Alex mused, aloud.
"Alex, I'm impressed," Mulder said. "That is a truly kinky thought. I didn't
know you had it in you."
Alex snorted derisively. "You think that's kinky? Jesus, Mulder—I can see I
have my work cut out for me. We're going to have to expand your mind, I think.
Still open to extreme possibilities?"
"Considering that I never would have thought that a plate of fish and a bowl of
butter would turn me on, I guess, yeah."
Alex found himself growing warm just from the conversation. He had just blasted
his brains out along with his come into Mulder's ass not fifteen minutes before
and he was already feeling familiar, heavy warmth settling in his groin. And
the fact that it was Mulder he was resting on... Alex felt a wave of
disorientation rock him and he closed his eyes, tightening his hold on Mulder,
momentarily.
Mulder felt it, turned his head and kissed Alex on the forehead. Then he sighed
and rested his cheek against the top of Alex's head, against his hair, and
breathed deeply.
"If you leave me now, I will find you," Mulder said, quietly.
A twinge of pain at the mere mention of it, the mere thought of it, went through
him. Alex wondered if Mulder was warning him. And then it occurred to him that
Mulder was actually admitting that he wanted him to stay. At all costs. He
smiled and then decided to just say it before he got cold feet. "I can't. I
love you, too."
There. That was easy. That wasn't very hard at all. And Mulder just said,
"Good," and kissed him on the head again.
It was simple and yet still terrifying. How could he possibly give this up now?
How could Mulder ever think that he'd—
Betray him again.
Alex closed his eyes against the sharp pain of remembrance. Still, at least
they had this, here and now.
"I know," Mulder murmured, answering him.
Mulder knew and was letting him know it. Mulder trusted him. Mulder believed
him.
Alex didn't have to reply, so he was quiet. But for whatever reason, out of his
own needs or not, Mulder believed him and it was enough.
And for the first time in years, long years since his childhood, Alex felt the
fear, the doubt, and the inner dread lift from him, releasing his heart and
floating away.
It really was a miracle, he realized. And he remembered that it was still
Christmas.
He smiled. "Merry Christmas, Mulder."
Touch My Mind III
by Jami Wilsen
"And he whispered to me in the darkness as we lay together..."Tell me
where to touch you so that I can drive you insane. Tell me where to
touch you to give you the ultimate pleasure. Tell me where to touch
you so that we will truly own each other."
And I kissed him softly and whispered back, "Touch my mind."
(author unknown)
I run through the grass
I run over the stones
Down to the sea
Show me the way back, honey
I hear there's trouble in Shangri-La
I run through the grass
I run over the stones
Show me the way back...to the sea
That things could go that far
We all believe in people...
That we think believe in God
Somewhere in the night...
Someone feels the pain
The ones who walk away
Try to love again...
You can consume all the beauty in the room, baby
Because you are so heartbroken
You can consume all the beauty in the room, baby
Before the dawn of separation
You can consume all the beauty in the room, baby
Show me the way back
