Of course I had known, that there was nothing that would keep him away, if he
really wanted to stay, so maybe he just didn't wanted to be with me, as much as I
wanted to be with him.
It's hard to think this, because there really is nothing I want to be rather,
than with him.
God, I hate unrequited love, its so fucking depressive.
Great, now they are playing this song. "Give me back my heart". I actually listen
to it, and while I try to stop singing along, I realize, how pathetic I am. This
terrible singer sings about terrible feelings, and I sit here, in this poor
rundown roachhaven, and I can't stop singing along.
Thats when I hear his voice. If this was a musical, he would probably just sing
along with me, but it isn't a musical, but it can't be reality as well, because
before I can act, with saying something like:"What the hell are you doing here?"
his tongue is in my mouth and prevents me not only from talking, but also from
thinking.
Wow, if they are playing "voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soir" now, I will wake
up, and realize, that this is nothing more but a really bad, or maybe really good
dream.
But thank god they play "summer of 69", and he is still here with me, and my body
starts to react to his presence instantly. My tongue meets his in desperation,
and I realize, he tastes just the same way, he did 5 months ago, and if it
weren't for my fucking eiditic memory, I guess I could just tell myself, that he
was never gone, and that the last five months did not happen.
But being the way I am, I have to push him away from me. I mourn the loss of
warmth, but I can't take him back like this, not without an explanation. I just
need this, even with him, where I already have to abandon my morals, I still need
to keep my dignity, and five months without a word from him, cannot be tolerated,
not even if my body seems to think otherwise.
He looks surprised, a little hurt, just as if he came back home, and I kicked him
out, without telling him why. That makes me angry. I am pissed now, I mean I am
royally pissed. So I start yelling at him, at least thats what I think I am
doing, but somehow his look got to me, and before I know what I am doing, I am
holding him close to me, as if I wanted prove, that this was really him. His
closeness persuades me. It has to be him. Noone feels like this, and believe me,
I tried a lot of different people, but the mixture of danger and tenderness he
radiates, is unique.
He finally whispers in my ear: "I told you I would come back, I just had to buy
some breathing space for us, so that we could start this without being
interrupted. Why are you mad at me?" and then after a short pause he asks:"Are
you mad at me?"
I can't answer him. I can't let go either, but my mind is racing. It's true, he
said he'd be back, and here he is, but I still need to know more. Of course my
traiterous body still reacts exactly the way it has since I first met him, but
this doesn't change the fact, that I am mad. So thats what I tell him, maybe
kissing him when I stop speaking is not really the way of demonstrating my anger,
but he seems to understand, and he looks as if he is sorry. That's odd, I've
known him for quite a while now, and somehow he never looked at me like this, so
I tell him, what I really have to say.
I tell him, that I missed him, and that he should never leave me again, or I will
kill him.
When he looks at me, he raises one eyebrow and I know, he is up to something. I
know this look, I have seen it a million times it seems, and there is nothing,
that could make me happier right now, than knowing that whatever he is up to, it
involves me.
Well, maybe I take that back.
He takes my hand into his, and when he speaks he sounds sincere.
"I was actually already back last week, but I didn't wanted to contact you yet,"
before I can say something, he presses his lips on mine, to keep me quiet, and I
oblige at least for now "it was important, you know. Its the 8th of April now,
and I had to wait till today."
I can't keep quiet now, and I try very hard not to yell, when I ask him why.
He gives me this look, this look he invented to irritate me, and tells me, as if
it is the most normal thing in this world:" We had to wait, because tonight,
tonight is the night, where we can make it. We can have sex, and if we are really
lucky, we will have a Millenium Baby."
I think, yeah, thats a ctually a good idea, until my brain starts working again,
and I tell him, that I don't want to have children with him. What would Scully
say, and my mother. Oh my god, even thinking about it gives me the creeps.
He understands, he always does, and before we leave, to drive home, he leans over
to me, and tells me in this ashamed little voice.
"I lied, I didn't stay away because of this. I just wanted to know, if I was
welcome."
I, of course knew that, it dawned me, when I looked at him, so I tell him to
hush, it's no big deal.
"I never believed you anyway, Alex. Because even if we tried real hard, I think
we can't have children together."
He suppresses his laughter, but he can't stay serious, when he finally mutters
between his teeth.
"Party Pooper!"
I laugh out loud, and hold him close to me, as we leave.
Millenium Baby
by Ratfink
I was sitting on the bar, just like usual. I started coming here, shortly after I
had seen him for the last time. I kind of hoped, that I would run into him, even
though I feared, that he would avoid coming here. It was here where we had had
our last talk, it was here, where he had said,: "I can't see you for a while, but
I will contact you when there are any changes."
