I thought I knew what I wanted.
I'd been flirting with him for weeks, leading him a merry dance: holding his eyes
just a little too long, letting my gaze fix on his mouth, letting him catch me -
staring at him—then looking quickly away when he noticed me.
My campaign had escalated when I realised that he was becoming rattled. He
blushed when I met his gaze and I could see the question in his eyes.
I started standing closer to him, sitting on the edge of his desk when we were
talking through a case, touching his arm or shoulder to get his attention,
gradually and carefully invading his personal space, but never too quickly to
frighten him away.
So tempting, wanting to reach out and hold him, pulling him close, feeling his
breath against my face and kiss him into submission.
It was supposed to be so easy, to make him want me.
To take what I needed and then get over him. My life, my sense and sanity
restored, able to concentrate on my cases once again.
Then he caught me off guard.
I'd turned around to leave the office and he grabbed my arm, pulled me around,
and wrapped his arms around me. Reflexes failed, my mind whited out, his sudden,
unexpected touch sending me into shock.
He leaned into me, body pressing me back against the wall, one hand sliding
around the back of my neck, fingers stroking gently as his other hand moved
around my waist.
His breath warm against my face, he rained kisses down on my eyes, my temples, my
ear. Soft whispered words, in between the kisses, words that I can't even
remember, words that I didn't understand. I can still hear the huskiness of his
voice, his need.
All I could think was "It's not supposed to be like this. This is not how it's
meant to happen."
Then he kissed me. Lips soft against mine, gentle, questioning, waiting a
response. I couldn't help myself, I kissed him back. Tasting honey and cinnamon
on his breath, his tongue sliding against mine, my knees turned to water and my
hands gripped his shoulders, bunching the cotton of his shirt beneath frantically
clutching fingers.
It felt like it lasted forever, and yet it could never be long enough.
When he pulled away and stepped back he was panting, a delicate blush
highlighting his cheeks, green eyes dilated, colour almost obscured by the
blackness of the pupils. He gave me one long, liquid glance, yanked the door open
and almost ran out into the corridor.
I don't know whether he's running from me or from himself.
Now he's avoiding me and I wonder what it will take to exorcise the vision that
haunts my nights, part angel, part demon. Hair that falls softly over his
forehead, so that I always want to push it back off his face, eyes I could drown
in—that seem to see everything, say everything without him ever having to
speak. A mouth that begs to be kissed ... repeatedly.
He haunts me through the long, sleepless nights I spend pacing my apartment,
watching tv, reading any books I can find. Anything to take my mind off him.
It wasn't supposed to be like this, was it Alex?—Ruric Whenever I'm caught
between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
Apology Snippet
by Ruric
I thought I knew what I was doing.
