Part Five
//Very nice. I always said, if you're going to do something, Fox, take the
trouble to do it correctly.//
//Shut up, old man. You're dead. And I didn't listen to you when you
weren't.//
//Yes, you did. You didn't want to listen, and the fact is you didn't
often heed what I was saying, but you damn well heard every word.//
//Oh, yeah, and look how well it all worked out—this need you had to
share your wisdom.//
//You resort to sarcasm when you have nothing intelligent to offer. You know
that, don't you, Fox?//
"... for dinner, Mulder?"
//Don't call me that.//
//Do you know how incredibly, twistedly Oedipal it is for you to be doing
this? We won't even go into the homosexual nature of this perversion, but
you're sleeping with the person who killed your father.//
//Alex is what you made him, Svengali. You and the other monsters you
worked with. So be careful who you call a pervert. You created a weapon
and it went off in your hand. That's justice.//
//I should never have permitted you to go to Oxford.//
//And for the record, I'm sleeping with a man who loves me, a man who saved
my life; not just once, but several times over. He saved me from you , you
selfish bastard.//
"Mulder? Hey, babe?"
He became aware that the car had stopped, and Alex was staring at him. The
hand on his shoulder was warm and comforting. "What's wrong? You really
zoned out on me there—I was talking to you, and you weren't even on this
planet."
"Sorry, I was—" //Having a conversation with my dead father.// "—
woolgathering."
"I guess. It's getting late, do you want to stop for dinner?"
"Where are we?"
"The last roadsign said Stokesville. Looks like about 50 miles to the next
town. So if you want to eat, we should do it now."
"Fine, let's eat."
"Looks like the immediate choices are a Chinese buffet place or a diner."
Mulder gave his lover the ghost of a smile. "No more diners, Alex."
"Good point. Chinese it is." He started the car and drove the 200 yards
into the parking lot of "Dragon Buffet—Al Y u an Eat s7.9 "
Over dinner the conversation was sparse. Mulder ate mechanically, still
lost in his thoughts. He had been so sure he was past all the blame and
guilt that were the legacy from his father, but it seemed he would not be
rid of them so easily. Because no matter what other crazy things Mulder
could and would believe, he knew that the voice he had been arguing with was
not his father's. He was not possessed by the spirit of Bill Mulder. The
thoughts were his own. He went round and round with it, trying to convince
himself to forget the whole thing. It wasn't working.
//So why isn't it working, Mr. Profiling Genius?//
//Because I'm stuck in a loop. I feel guilty for loving Alex, because he
killed my father. And then I think about how my father treated me, and what
he was part of, AND what he was doing the night he died, trying to suck me
into the whole fucking conspiracy, and I feel guilty for loving my father .
And...I also feel guilty because I didn't like him.//
//Doesn't sound like he liked you too much, either.//
//Of course he—well... No. I don't think he did. I think I
disappointed him.//
//Because of Sam?//
//Because I wasn't like him. Because I wanted more than what he wanted for
me.//
//Because you were smarter than he was?//
//Probably.//
//Do you think he ever beat himself up like you're doing?//
//Probably not.//
//So who's smarter?//
//Shut up.//
Alex was concerned by the uncharacteristic reserve exhibited by the usually
too-talkative Mulder. He tried several opening gambits, including the
sure-fire "Wanna fuck, Foxy?"; but couldn't even get a "Don't call me that."
from the other man. He gave a mental shrug and went back to the buffet for
another scan of the dessert selections.
When Alex returned to the table with another loaded plate, Mulder seemed to
have come out of himself a bit, so he tried once more to get him talking.
"So, Mulder, what was the pout for? It looked like you were heading for an
all-out sulk there for a while."
"When?"
"In the car. Remember the car?"
"Oh, yeah. I don't know, it was probably nothing."
"Talk to me, Mulder. It's completely freaky for you to act like this.
Since when do you pass up a chance to bitch and moan? Tell me, or I'll have
to punish you. You don't want that , do you?" He was only teasing, but it
suddenly occurred to him that perhaps that was something Mulder did want .
Or need, which is not always the same thing. Since they had been together
only three days, there was plenty he still needed to learn about the man.
"Hey, you're not gonna get all kinky on me now, are you?"
Mulder was refusing to meet his eyes, and Alex finally realized that
something was really wrong. He knew how moody Mulder had been in the
past, but he had hoped most of that was due to the endless brooding over his
seemingly hopeless quests. Alex got up from his side of the booth and slid
into the seat next to Mulder, carefully placing an arm around his shoulders.
He felt Mulder freeze and then try to draw away, but the end of the booth
effectively prevented escape.
"What are you doing?"
"You really look like you need a hug, babe. I know I said thugs don't
cuddle, but I'm making an exception for you."
"Alex, people are looking at us. Don't you care?"
"I care about you, that's all. Why should I care what a bunch of strangers
think? Besides, most of them are probably jealous that I get to do this and
they don't."
That got him a dry chuckle. "I doubt it."
"Fishing for compliments again, are we? Oh, very well, let's see...your
eyes are like—hmm, nope. I got nothin'."
"Cut it out, Alex. I'm not looking for compliments. I just don't want us
to get beat up in the parking lot."
"Mulder, you are the only one I'd ever let beat me up. I think between
the two of us, we could take care of any small-town hayseeds who want to
start something. And since I don't see anybody who even slightly resembles
a threat in this restaurant, even that excuse won't wash. Now either you
start talking or..."
"Or what?"
Alex sighed. "I don't know. Maybe I don't have the right to ask you for
this. It's not like I own you or anything. I just want to help. It seems
like you're hurting right now, and it hurts me to see that. But I can't
force you to share this if you don't want to." He gave Mulder a brief kiss
on the temple and moved back to his own side of the table.
Mulder looked at the face across the table from him. In the eyes, he saw
the love he felt reflected back and magnified. But he couldn't stop the
words that came out of his mouth. "Good at the guilt-trip, aren't you?"
"Is that what you think this is? Jesus, I thought I was the one who
didn't know how to do relationships. Any guilt trip you're feeling is your
own. So let's talk about that, shall we? I can play amateur psychologist.
What are you feeling guilty about, Fox?"
"Don't call me that."
Alex blinked at the hoslility in Mulder's voice. "Okay, sorry, I thought we
were past that one."
"Oh shit, Alex, I'm sorry. That just—that was a leftover from earlier,
when I—you're going to think I'm nuts if I tell you this."
"Mulder, it's me . I already know how nuts you are. Notice how I'm still
around?"
"Yeah, well this is a different kind of nuts. This involves my father. He
talks to me. In my head."
"And?"
"Isn't that enough? I have conversations with a dead man in my own head,
and you don't think that's odd?"
"Hell, no, everybody does stuff like that. Well, maybe not everybody .
But there's a little voice in my head, too. Tells me what an idiot I am,
most of the time. You get used to it."
"Alex, I'm serious. I keep hearing his voice...like it's really him . We
never had a very good relationship, but after Sam...well, he was never
outright abusive. He would just say things, really cutting, sarcastic
things..."
"And you don't call that abuse? Mulder, I didn't have a fairy-tale
childhood, but I was at least secure in the knowledge that my mother loved
me, because she showed me, and told me, every day."
"All right, fine, it was abuse. And he's still doing it. Only it's not
him , it's me. I know it's me."
Alex was silent for a moment. They were in dangerous territory here. The
fact that Mulder would never get the chance to work things out with his
father was due in large part to him, and they both knew it. He had a bad
feeling about the next question, but he had to ask it.
"Do you think it's because you're with me? I mean, because of—what
happened?"
"You mean if he wasn't dead would everything be peachy-keen? I don't know,
Alex. I kind of doubt it. I'm pretty sure he would have objected to my
having an affair with any man. He was a bit of a prude."
"But you just said you know it's not him . So it's you who's objecting."
"No! At least, ... no. Alex, I love you. I don't have any represssed
homophobia to deal with, trust me." He sighed. "I think it's that I feel
like I should feel guilty. I'm sleeping with the man who killed my
father. But when you did that it saved me from his arrogance. You did it
because you had no choice. And I can forgive you for it so easily now,
because I know when you did it, you cared about me. Probably more than
he did, when you get right down to it. So basically, I feel guilty for
not caring more about how he died, because I know it was his own doing. And
I feel really fucked up about it. Now aren't you glad you asked?"
"Let's find a nice motel, babe. You need to get some sleep. We're going to
work through this thing, I promise."
Mulder gave Alex a bleak smile. "Did you ever think you would be the
stable one in this relationship?"
"Well, if I had given it any real thought, I wouldn't have put money on
either one of us. But you're not going off the deep end here. This is a
minor thing." //I hope.//
Alex found them a motel that featured in-room jacuzzis and got them checked
in. He filled the tub, and carefully undressed Mulder, who seemed to be
almost sleepwalking. "Come on, baby, into the tub, there you go." Alex
quickly undressed himself and climbed in behind his lover, pulling Mulder
back to lie on top of his chest. Encircling the older man with his arm, he
pressed kisses into the hair at the base of Mulder's neck. "Mulder, I want
to tell you about why I got my tattoo. It's important that you know about
this, baby. Are you listening?"
"Yeah, Alex, I'm listening."
"Okay, I'm gonna tell you a story now. Once upon a time, there was an
idealistic young man who fell in love with someone he could never have."
Alex felt Mulder snuggle down against him. "Okay, well, due to some fairly
horrific circumstances and some really bad decisions, the young man made the
object of his affections hate him. He grew to accept this situation, asking
only for the opportunity to occasionally see his love, if only to make sure
that all was well with him. And then one terrible night, he learned that
his love had taken his own life, had shot himself, presumably in despair
over the futility of his quest. The young man was devastated, thinking of
how he might have contributed to his love's despair, and he nearly killed
himself as well. But he realized that it would be more fitting if he lived
with the pain and continued his work on the cause his love had abandoned, in
his memory. And as a reminder to himself of who he now belonged to, he had
his love's name engraved upon himself forever."
Mulder's hand came up to clutch Alex's as it lay across his chest. "That's a
very sad story. Does it have a happy ending?"
"Oh, I'm getting to that. It turned out that the young man's love was not
dead after all, had merely pretended to be in order to flush out an enemy.
The young man was very happy when he heard the news, because he felt as
though he had been given a second chance to make things right somehow. And
after many adventures, the somewhat older young man found himself working
side by side with his love once more, the hatred of the past dulled to
wariness, and he grew to hope again. And then one incredible night, the
young man found out that the feelings he had were reciprocated... And they
lived happily ever after."
"Well, not yet they haven't. Somebody's still pretty fucked up."
"Mulder, talk to me. Tell me what's really going on."
"That night? When I ...I think I was really going to do it. Kill myself, I
mean. It all just seemed so hopeless, I couldn't see a way out. Sam was
still gone, after all that time I had been looking for her, and I had found
nothing. I felt like the worst failure of all time. I had nothing in my
life that meant anything to me."
"Scully?"
"She was dying of cancer, Alex! And that was my fault too. I couldn't face
watching it happen. So then I knew I was a coward, as well as a failure.
Everyone I cared about left me, Alex. Even you."
"Oh, babe..." Alex pressed his face into Mulder's hair. "I'm so sorry it
had to happen that way. I'd give anything to go back to that table in the
cafe, look right at Spender's face, and tell him to fuck off."
"And we never would have met."
"I don't believe that for a minute. I think that we were meant to be
together."
"You're getting dangerously sappy for a thug."
"Ex-thug, thank you very much. And I have a perfect right to be sappy.
Here I am, in a jacuzzi, with a naked man draped over me. This is exactly
what I asked for last Christmas."
"I'm not draped, I'm reclining."
"Semantics, Mulder. And don't try to distract me. We were doing some
serious talking there. It was good."
"Yeah. I'm not used to talking about this stuff. It never seemed like
anybody cared enough to hear it."
"Oh, my lisitsa, that's the trouble with you. You don't ever think anyone
cares about you. A lot of people do, you know. I just wish I could make
you see that. I think that's the moral of my story."
"I think I'm starting to see it. Don't give up on me, Alex. Keep nagging
at me, I need you to."
"Wait, let me go get a tape recorder. I'm gonna want proof you said that
someday."
"I'll deny it all...Alex?"
"Hmm?"
"Can we go to bed now?"
"I'm sorry, babe, you must be so tired. Come on, let's get you dried off."
Alex flicked the stopper with his toe, and the water began to drain as they
manuevered themselves upright and got out of the tub. Alex grabbed a towel
from the pile on the counter, but before he could use it, Mulder took it
from him and began to dry Alex's chest with it. He worked his way down to
the prize he knew would be waiting for him, and knelt to take it into his
mouth.
"Ahhh, God, babe, I—"
"Alex..." Nibble.
"Wha- hm—what, babe?"
"I'm not really tired." Slow lick up the inside of his thigh.
"N-no?"
"Not a bit." Other thigh this time.
"But you still wanna go to bed, right?"
"Absolutely." Tongue in navel, fluttering.
"Now?"
"What's your rush?"
And the mouth was on him again, engulfing him, cutting off the supply of
oxygen to his brain somehow, so that he couldn't move, couldn't speak, could
only feel. He looked down at the man kneeling before him.
//You know this is backwards, don't you? You should be on your knees in
front of him , thanking him and God for letting you be anywhere close to
him. Why are you letting him do this?//
//Because he wants to. It was his idea.//
//He's punishing himself. That's all it is. This is more guilt.//
//Shut up. That's not it. He loves me.//
But the doubt was there. He had to know. "Mulder, stop." He put his hand
on the head before him and moved it away. Dropped to his knees beside his
lover. "Why are you doing this?"
"Because I assumed you'd like it. I know I haven't had much practice, but
—"
"No, that's not what I meant. Let's get in bed, okay? I don't think we're
done talking yet."
"Damn, I was really hoping we were."
"Come on, there's a good boy." Alex held back the covers on one side of the
waterbed and Mulder got in.
"Cut it out, Alex. I don't need to be tucked in. Possibly I need to be
fucked, but..."
"Mulder. This is really important."
"Okay, sorry, I thought we had a little momentum going there."
"My turn to talk now. Shush. And stop pouting." Alex went around to the
other side of the bed and crawled in, scooting over to lie next to Mulder.
He pressed a kiss to the shoulder next to him, and then put his head down on
it. Mulder's arms encircled him, and it gave him the strength to say what
he needed to.
"This isn't going to be easy, Mulder. But with what we were talking about
earlier, I kind of have to know...why did you do that? And don't get all
hurt thinking I didn't like it, because it was incredible. But it's—I
just—I feel like maybe you're trying to punish yourself by doing that.
Which makes it like you're using me, somehow."
"What in the hell are you talking about? How is that punishment? Alex,
never in my life has anything felt so right as the first time I had your
cock in my mouth. I mean, all those movies I used to watch, every time I
saw someone doing that, I would think about you. Long before it ever got to
the bad times between us, Alex. I love the way you taste. I love when I
feel you growing even harder and I know it's because of me. I love the
noises you make just before you come. And I love the feeling of trust and
commitment I have with you. There's no reason for either one of us to feel
used. Now where did all that punishment crap come from?"
"I don't know, I guess I was being stupid. I just can't..."
"What?"
It all came out in a rush. "Deep down inside me, there's something that
says you can't possibly want this as much as I do."
"Oh, God, Alex, if anything I want it more. I want so much from you.
Everything you are. It scares me a little how much I need you. It's
happened so fast, and I don't know where it's going. But I know how it
makes me feel when you're inside me, or when I'm inside you. It makes me
feel like I've finally come home. Like it's safe and nothing will ever hurt
me again. I'll let you in on a little secret. There haven't been all that
many people in my life I've been able to say 'I love you' to. It's really
changed me.
"Well, that and the little matter of coming back from the dead. You know, I
think you were the only person who just treated me normally after I was
returned. I never got the feeling you wanted to poke into my head about
what it felt like. All that time I spent on the X-Files, and then suddenly
I became one, and you were just—there."
"Mulder, how much of what went on do you know?"
"I know you threatened Skinner...I know you made him choose between me and
the baby. I can only assume that you knew exactly what he would do."
"Yeah, I almost always know which way Walter'll jump when I push him."
"I also know you and Doggett had quite an interesting first meeting."
"He pissed me off. Kersch's little goody-two-shoes."
"Come on, Alex. You have to admit he's come through pretty well, though."
"Whatever. This isn't what we needed to talk about. You're doing it again,
Mulder. My point was that all those people were there, risking a hell of a
lot, and it was all for you. Don't discount that just because they're
curious about your experiences. I seriously doubt that Scully was treating
you like an X-File."
"But still—" Alex put his hand over Mulder's mouth.
"AND the reason I wasn't trying to get inside your head—don't give me too
much credit for that. Quite frankly, I've had all the contact with aliens I
want for one lifetime. Now, repeat after me: I'm good enough, I'm strong
enough, and gosh-darn it, people like me."
"I love you, Alex."
"Close enough. I love you too, babe. Now, I believe I interrupted you a
while ago...I hope we can remember what it was we were doing."
"Same thing we do every night, Pinky."
"Oh, so you're bored with me already?"
"Never in a million years, Alex."
"I'll hold you to that, you know."
"I'm counting on it. Hey, something seems to be poking me. I wonder what
it could be...oh, my goodness. Alex, it's you. I don't think you'll be
able to sleep like that. It looks very uncomfortable."
"Mulder, shut up and kiss me...I actually meant on the mouth,
but...ohhhhhh...okay, I guess you know what you're doing." Alex's eyes
rolled back in his head as Mulder demonstrated that yes, indeed, he did know
what he was doing.
Alex came back down to earth several minutes later to see Mulder's grin
staring up at him from the vicinity of his stomach.
"My turn now?"
"Your turn for what? I'm going to sleep—ow! I was JOKING, Mulder. Let
go!"
Mulder loosened his grip on Alex's left ear and snuggled up beside him.
Alex turned on his side and draped his arm over Mulder's back, holding him
loosely. "Baby? What would you like, hmm?"
"Anything you want to do is fine with me, Alex. Right now you could
probably make me come just by talking to me."
"Oh, that does sound intriguing...what would do it, I wonder...Well, I could
tell you how beautiful you look when you're waiting for me in bed...how all
I want to do is possess you, body and soul..." Alex got a wicked grin on
his face.
"Let's set the scene...first I'd tell you that you couldn't move. I'd start
by slowly licking your ears, just swirling my tongue around inside...and
then I might give you a little bite on the neck—mark you as mine. Then
I'd kiss you, of course, a really long kiss until neither of us could
breathe...maybe I'd suck on your lower lip a little. I really am fond of
your mouth, babe. I love what you do to me with it; even when we're just
driving down the road I look at your mouth and I start to think about
sex..."
"Alex, this is really making me hot," Mulder said breathlessly.
"Sssh, I'm not done yet, babe. I think I'd probably kiss you again, and
then I'd have to move down to your chest. It's a very nice chest, Mulder.
Remember that day at the pool? It was all I could do to remember why I was
there, when I saw you in that skimpy excuse for a bathing suit. I could
barely take my eyes off your chest that day. I was imagining how it would
feel next to mine, just a little slippery with sweat as we lay
together...and then I looked a little lower...I can't believe you wear that
thing in public. I could see every inch of your beautiful cock
outlined...were you getting hard for me then, baby? I bet you were. But I
was talking about your chest, wasn't I..."
Mulder whimpered. "Touch me, Alex. Please."
"No, no, that's not gonna happen right now. And don't you touch yourself,
either. You said I could do whatever I wanted. This whole thing was your
idea. So you just lay there and enjoy it. You ARE enjoying it, aren't you,
baby?"
"Yes, but..."
"Don't sound so surly. Now where were we...ah, your chest...I think I'd
like to suck your nipples for a while first. I could go back and forth
between them, make them really hard for me, and then bite down just a
little, just enough to make you moan. I like to make you moan for me,
Mulder. Hmm...moving down now...oh, baby, you're so hard now, aren't you?
I can see how bad you want me...are you almost there, baby? I think you
are, I think if I touched you right now it would be all over. Do you want
it to be over, Mulder?"
"Please, Alex, I'm begging you..."
"Oh, God, you are so hot. What if I just do this..." Alex's hand drifted
down over Mulder's back and slowly grazed over Mulder's ass. "All right,
Mulder, now imagine that I'm kissing my way down your chest, very slowly,
inch by inch. Almost to your waist now..." Alex's fingers teased along the
base of Mulder's spine. His voice got lower, until he was almost
whispering, staring all the while into his lover's eyes. "My mouth is
almost on your cock now, baby. Can you feel it? I can just lick the tip
now, taste the salt from your body...now my mouth is closing over the head,
my tongue swirling around like it's an ice cream cone—you taste so good,
baby. So good, and I'm taking it all now, all the way to the base, you're
so ready, I can feel it, come for me now, baby, do it..."
And with a groan, Mulder did. He lay there, panting and laughing, dazed
from the force of his orgasm.
"I can't believe you did that."
"Never challenge me, Mulder. Remember that."
"Like I could ever forget it. You are so incredible, Alex."
"Thank you, sir. Grab that towel and clean us up, would you? I need sleep
if I'm gonna be up to anything tomorrow. "
"You know, Alex, if you're feeling tired, I could do some of the
driving..."
"In your dreams, Mulder."
Hurt silence...
"Baby?"
"Hmmm?"
"We'll see."
"Really?"
"That's a 'maybe', not a 'yes'."
"Close enough. Good night, lover."
//Oh, damn, what did I just get myself into...//
Road Trip
by Starfish
One Night in Stokesville...
Mulder was pouting. It wasn't a full-blown sulk yet; just the lower lip
involved, a bit more pronounced than usual. And the attitude, of course.
Attitude was everything in a good pout. And he was a damn artist at
attitude. He decided to add a faint sigh.
