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"Got a job for you, my friend."
It was Raymond. Shit, it was always Raymond whenever the phone rang at two
fucking a.m. He should've been used to it by now. "Same hotel as last time?"
"Yeah. I'm sending Cyril to pick you up. Be ready in twenty."
Click.
He stared at the receiver, then hung up, heading for the bathroom, yanking open
the shower door, twisting on the water until it was just a hair above icy,
stepping inside, teeth rattling as the spray sluiced over him. It helped a
little, though his brain was still half-foggy when he emerged, toweling off
quickly, padding into the other room, pulling on a relatively clean pair of
jeans and t-shirt, looking around, looking for his pills.
They were on the kitchen counter, right where he'd left them last night. All he
needed was one, just one to get him level, keep him flying straight.
He shook one into his palm, staring at it, caressing it with the pad of his
thumb, chalky-feeling, smooth except for the tiny indentation down its center,
sweet euphoria right here in his hand.
And he halted, nanoseconds from popping the pill into his mouth. He hadn't
operated stoned since Ray had recruited him, and he wasn't starting now. If
this one died, it wasn't going to be his fault. Not this time.
The ride to the hotel took about twenty minutes and, luckily, Ray seemed to
have anticipated his needthere was a Thermos of coffee waiting for him in
the car, hot and black and sweet, just the way he liked it. He'd just downed
the last sip when they pulled up in front of the tall smoky-glassed building
and he climbed out, heading for the elevator, pressing the button for the
thirtieth floor.
Same drill, different night. Same hotel suite, same nurse monitoring the IV and
heart monitor, same gleaming chrome stretcher.
Different guy lying on the stretcherearly thirties, dark hair, skin ashen,
papery. A wound high on his right shoulder was still slowly oozing blood, but
on closer examination it didn't appear all that serious; the bullet had passed
all the way through, leaving a round, relatively clean exit wound on the other
side.
"What d'you think, Eugene?" Ray's voice came from a darkened corner, startling
him, but only for a moment, only until he saw the other man get up from the
couch in front of the big-screen TV, start to saunter over. "This one worth
saving?"
He assumed Ray was joking, but with Ray sometimes it was hard to tell. "There
doesn't appear to be any extensive tearing of the tissue or nicked bones or
blood vessels," he replied, still leaning over his patient, pulling on rubber
gloves, probing the wound with his fingertips. "Looks like a quick rinse
n'stitch. A couple hours, tops."
"Shall I prep him, doctor?" the nurse asked. Off his nod, she added, "local or
general anesthesia?"
"I'll do it," he said, grabbing a vial of painkiller and a syringe. Not that he
harbored any doubts as to the nurse's competence, but he would've felt more
sanguine about the situation if they'd had a qualified anesthesiologist on
hand. He wasn't taking a chance on anything going wrong here. Drawing out the
correct dosage, he flicked the syringe with two fingertips until all the excess
air floated to the top where he could shoot it from the needle, then, nodding
toward the nurse, waited until she straightened the patient's arm, finding a
nice plump vein popping up right there in the crook of his elbow. He pierced
the vein cleanly, pushing down on the plunger, slowly injecting the drug.
The man on the stretcher's eyes flew open at that precise same moment, green
eyes, green like jade flecked with gold, wide, terrified. Luckily, the
painkiller had already started taking effect, so his feeble attempts at
thrashing died stillborn. "Wh-what the hell're you...doing here..."
"Take it easy," he said, finishing the injection, withdrawing the needle,
"you've been shot. We're here to take care of you."
His patient began chuckling softly. "Y-you been taking...s-surgery lessons
from...Scully in your sp-spare time?" His head fell back on the stretcher a
second later, eyes drifting shut.
He tossed the syringe aside, hand at his patient's throat, feeling for a pulse,
finding it, jerky, thin, thready. "You been monitoring his pressure?" he asked
the nurse. Her reply was to hand him a chart. "Finish prepping him and start
him on a unit of plasma while I wash up," he said, handing the clipboard back,
heading for the bathroom.
Ray followed, leaning in the doorway, a cigarette hanging from the corner of
his mouth, watching him scrub. "He seems to know you, doc."
"Well, I don't know him."
"You sure?"
Ray was starting to get under his skin, though that in itself was nothing
unusual. He just wasn't in any mood to deal with this bullshit now. "What're
you insinuating?"
"Nothing," Ray replied, grinning, all false ingenuousness. "I was just...well,
wondering if maybe he'd wandered into your emergency room once upon a
time...y'know, back when you were a real doctor."
Flicking off the hot water with an elbow, he grabbed the towel Ray held out to
him. "You want me to patch him up or not?"
"That's why I called you."
"Then get out of my way and let me do it."
As he'd suspected, it was an easy job, a simple cleaning and sewing up of the
wound. He was finished even sooner than he'd anticipated and, with Cyril's
help, moved his patient to the king-sized bed in the next room.
"Good work, Eugene," Ray said, pulling a plain white envelope out of his jacket
pocket, holding it out to him.
He counted it, fingertips whispering over crisp green bills. Ten grand, his
usual fee. He didn't even know why he was counting it; Ray was a lot of things,
but tight-fisted wasn't one of them. He'd always been paid well, and promptly.
"How long till he comes to?" Ray asked.
"A few hours. I'll be back this afternoon to check him."
"You don't need to. I'll call if there're any complications."
"Like you did with Vladimir?"
Ray's smirk faded. "How'd you know about that?"
"I read the newspapers. Funny, but when I left him Vladimir was in no condition
to wander back on down to the beach and get another bullet blown through him."
He waited a second for that one to sink in, for the glassy twinkle in Raymond's
eyes to go hard, flat, humorless. "I take a certain pride in my work, Ray. When
I fix 'em up, I like 'em to stay fixed."
"Oh, he'll stay fixed. I guarantee it."
"Why don't I believe you?"
"Look, Eugene, you're my employee, remember? You do your work, you get paid, no
questions asked. What the hell do you care what happens to him now anyway?"
He had a momentary flash of the look in his patient's eyes when he was lying
there on that stretcher. The guy'd been scared, scared out of his mind, and not
just by the prospect of undergoing surgery.
//Ray's right, this isn't your fucking problem...you did your job, you got your
money, now just walk out of here and go home and get stoned and forget about
it.//
He wanted to. Jesus, he wanted to walk out of this fucking hotel suite more
than anything, wanted to go back to his shitty apartment and mix up a little
fentanyl in a glass of milk and lie down on the couch and fall into another
sweet, sticky pit of black oblivion...
"I'm staying until he wakes up," he said, going back into the bedroom, pulling
a chair over by the bed, flopping into it, slumping down, head resting on its
back cushion.
He thought for sure that Ray would send Cyril in to eject him by force, but
minutes passed and it didn't happen. He didn't know why, and right now he was
past caring. Might as well get some rest while he could.
His lazy gaze drifted over to the bed, to the dark-haired man lying there,
chest slowly rising and falling under the pale blue sheet. Hauling himself out
of his chair, he went over, leaned over, fingertips pressed to the pulse in his
patient's throat. It was steadier now, stronger; obviously the plasma he'd
received had helped. His color was better too, still pale, but without the
pasty grey undertone he'd had before. Given time and antibiotics, he'd make a
full recovery.
He sat down in his chair again, propping his feet up on the foot of the bed,
trying to get comfortable, finally giving it up as a lost cause. After a few
minutes, though, exhaustion finally took its toll, and he felt himself starting
to doze.
Who the hell was this guy? He'd only been working for Ray himself for a couple
months, but he didn't re-member seeing him before. Maybe he was a new recruit.
It wouldn't surprise him; Ray'd been going through thugs like Kleenex lately.
Only this guy didn't look like Ray's usual brand of thug.
He looked like a kid who'd gotten locked inside the carnival funhouse and
couldn't find his way out.
His vision cleared gradually, like he was rising through deep water, reaching
out for the light near the surface
He blinked once, twice, but the room still looked gauzy, all soft-focus, like
everything was wrapped in a wispy white baby's blanket.
Squinting, he tried to take in his surroundings. The room was lavish, almost
overdone, dark blue walls with matching curtains, a big-screen TV the size of
Rhode Island in the far corner.
Black-lacquered, angular furnitureincluding the bed he was lying on, he
realized, one hand grabbing the sheet, letting the soft cotton pour through his
fingers. There was just one thing he couldn't figure out, though...
How the hell did he get here?
//She saw him saw him watching her and she turned pulling out her gun aiming it
and he tried to move tried to get away but she fired and he slammed the
pavement so hard he thought he'd broken every bone from neck to waist
//And the last thing he saw was her looking down at him gun still in her hand
and then the whole fucking sky went black//
"Oh, Jesus...oh, sweet fucking Jesus..." He knew where he was now. Ray's hotel
suite.
And ten to one Ray was waiting for him in the next room. Waiting for him to
wake up so Ray could have the pleasure of killing him himself. He had to get
the hell out of here, and right now
But pain tore through him when he tried sitting up, a hot, jagged blade lancing
his chest, leaving him breathless, forcing him back down on the bed.
The room tilted, whirled, even behind closed eyes, and his right arm felt like
somebody'd tried to twist it off. His left hand traveled upward, skimming over
fever-hot skin, tracing the edge of a small, sticky ring of moisture seeping
through the heavy white bandages swathing his right shoulder.
He tried getting up again, but the pain hit him, harder this time, immobilizing
him. After a little while he managed to roll onto his left side, tears
stinging, burning the insides of his eyelids.
He didn't know how long he lay there, the pain slowly subsiding to a dull but
bearable throb, but the next thing he was aware of was the edge of the mattress
dipping down, a hand gently touching his side, rolling him over on his back
again.
He didn't, couldn't resist, had no strength or even desire to anymore, he just
let the hand move him, eyes screwed shut, bracing himself for the worst.
"Lie flat on your back, okay? You'll rip out your stitches."
Not the voice he was expecting. Not Ray's voice, or Cyril's. He let his eyes
float open by tiny degrees, blinking to clear the teary haze still remaining.
"You okay?" came the same voice he'd heard a second ago. Mulder's voice.
Mulder's face a scant inch away from his, leaning over him, peeling back his
bandage, examining his wound. "It's still bleeding, but that's normal," he
said. "Just try to lie still, all right?"
He stared, heart pounding, head spinning, breath coming in rapid, jerky spurts.
This wasn't real, it couldn't be, he was dreaming, hallucinating
His left hand reached up, fingertips touching, stroking the cheek right there
above him, tracing the other man's jawline, bristly stubble scratching,
tickling the pad of his thumb.
"Jesus...oh, Jesus..." he breathed. "You're real. You're alive..."
Mulder grinned, that same quirky, lopsided grin he remembered from their brief
time together as partners, the same grin he'd been seeing in his dreams for
months. "Thanks for confirming that," he replied, sitting up. "Some days I'm
not so sure."
"What're you doing here?"
"I work here."
"In LA, you idiot."
"You mean, beautiful downtown Hell?" Leaning over, he reached into a large
green bag sitting on the floor, pulling out a stethoscope and a blood-pressure
cuff. "Looks like I'm taking care of you."
"Damn it, Mulder, will you just give me a straight answer for once"
"I thought that's what I was doing."
"C'mon, Mulder, quit joking. I'm not in the mood"
"Wait a minute, what'd you call me?"
He tried to laugh, but it hurt so much all he got out was a strangled chortle.
"Look, I'm not who you think I am."
"Oh, yeah? Then who are youMulder's clone?"
Puzzlement flickered, lingered in deep hazel eyes. "My name's Eugene Sands. I'm
a surgeon. I stitched up your wound."
Oh, this was just too fucking rich. But if Mulder insisted on carrying it this
far, he'd play along. "Prove it."
"How?"
"Take off your shirt."
"What?"
God, the look on his face was classic stunned Muldereyes wide, lips
slightly parted. Full, moist, gorgeous lips...too bad he was in no shape to
fully appreciate them. "Mulder got shot in the left shoulder a few months ago.
If you're really not him, you won't have a scar."
Mulder stared at him, then got up, yanking his t-shirt up and over his head in
one fluid motion
Revealing pale, lightly-furred skin, still slightly golden from a fading summer
tan, slender hips flaring up-ward to a lean yet well-defined chest, his own
gaze lingering on the subtle, almost imperceptible tug and play of muscles
there, moving slowly upward
To his left shoulder. His perfectly smooth left shoulder.
He'd had plastic surgery to remove the scar; that was the only logical
explanation. This was Mulder, it had to be. He had Mulder's face, Mulder's
voice. Mulder's body.
And he remembered all three in intricate, intimate detail.
"Guess we're not a matched set after all," Mulder said with a weak smile,
pulling his shirt back on. "You believe me now?"
No. It simply wasn't within the realm of possibility for two different men to
look that much alike. But there was no time to argue the point now. Sitting up,
he braced himself for the pain, dragging in a shallow breath before it smashed
into him like a sledgehammer, waiting for it to recede, swinging his legs over
the edge of the bed.
"What d'you think you're doing?" Mulder asked.
"Getting dressed," he replied, spying his jeans and leather jacket draped
across the foot of the bed, making a grab for them, "and getting out of here."
"The fuck you are. Get back under those covers."
"Who died and made you my mother all of a sudden?"
"Look, you've just had surgery. You're in no condition to be going anywhere."
"So I should just lie here and wait for Raymond to come kill me?"
That halted whatever reply Mulder was about to make, but this time his
expression wasn't shocked or stunned. It was more like realization had come
crashing down, like his own worst fears had just been confirmed. "Why would
Raymond want to kill you?"
He didn't bother answering, just pulled the jeans on as best he could with only
one working arm, gasping, gritting his teeth, black spots dancing before his
eyes, a hot fist pulsing, tightening in his chest, choking off his air
Lurching to his feet, he tried to grab hold of the bedside table to steady
himself, but he missed, wobbling, teetering
And Mulder's arm was there in the next second, looped across his back, under
his uninjured arm, holding him up until he could stand on his own.
He swung around, still trembling, glancing down at the leather jacket dangling
from his left hand, idly wondering what had happened to his t-shirt, eyes
locking on Mulder's again. "You gonna help me get out of here?"
"You still haven't answered my question."
"Christ, Mulder, do we have to get into this now?"
"Why does Raymond want you dead?"
"Because Claire's the one who shot me."
There was the stunned look again, but this time he managed to make a quick
recovery. "What's Ray's girlfriend got against you?"
"Ray got a little, um...nervous after what happened with the Russians, hired me
to be Claire's bodyguard. Claire wasn't too hot on the idea, but she went along
with it to keep Ray happy. Last night she gave me the slip, got out of the
house without me seeing her. I tracked her, found her car parked a few miles
down the road at this seedy bar. She was sitting there talking to someone I
recognized...and who recognized me."
"Who?"
"Gage."
The name shot a visible tremor through him, and no wonder. Thomas Gage was FBI,
and a more ruthless sleaze than Raymond Blossom ever thought of being. "Y-you
know him too?"
"Jesus, Mulder, will you drop the fucking mind-games? Yeah, I know Gage and he
knows me and he must've told Claire because she followed me out to the parking
lot and fucking shot me. And once she tells Ray what Gage told her, he's gonna
come back here and finish the job."
Mulder looked at him for a long time, hazel eyes boring a hole through him,
weighing his options. "All right," he said finally, "I'll help you. Just let me
go out and check the lay of the land, then we can decide how we're gonna do
this."
"Okay," he said, dropping back down on the edge of the bed with a grateful
sigh.
Mulder reappeared less than a minute later, car keys dangling from his fingers.
"Ray's not here and Cyril's sacked out on the couch. Let's get going."
"You're coming with me?"
"You're my patient," he said, flashing him a tiny half-grin, "and I'm not
letting you out of my sight until you're fully recovered."
"Whatever," he grunted, getting up, working his left arm into his jacket,
trying to lift his right arm high enough to get it into the sleeve, fresh sweat
breaking out slick and slimy all over his face and neck.
"C'mon, let me do that," Mulder said, grabbing the loose half of the jacket.
"Fold your arm across your abdomen...yeah, like that." Pulling the jacket over
and around his injured arm, he zipped it up, tucking the free-hanging sleeve
into the right-hand pocket. "Can you walk by yourself, or d'you want me to
help?"
"I can do it," he snapped, then, off Mulder's half-startled, half-cautionary
look, added in a lower tone of voice, "we'll attract less attention that way."
He half-lurched, half-staggered down the hall to the elevator with Mulder
leading the way, somehow making it all the way down to the parking garage
without encountering anybody. Mulder steered him over to a sleek black Range
Rover, helping him in before getting in the driver's seat himself and opening
his green bag, rummaging around in it, pulling out a syringe and a vial filled
with a clear liquid. "Roll up your sleeve," he ordered.
"What's that for?"
"It's a painkiller. You're gonna need it."
"I'll decide when I need it."
"Look, we're gonna be on the road awhile, and believe me, it's not gonna be too
much fun for you with that shoulder getting jostled"
"No."
"God, will you just listen to me, you" Dropping the vial and syringe back in
the bag, he hurled it into the back seat. "Y'know, this'd be a lot easier if
you'd tell me your name."
A low, throaty sound escaped his lips; he dimly recognized it as a chortle.
"Shit, Mulder, you know my name."
"Pretend I don't."
His head spun, blood pounding, roaring in his temples. He couldn't be sitting
here next to Mulder, next to the one person he was sure he'd never see again,
the one person who could rip his heart out with a single hazel-eyed look...
His world had tilted onto its side, a once-full glass now dripping its last
dregs onto the floor.
This couldn't be happening. Mulder couldn't not know his name. It wasn't
possible. But then, he'd seen a lot of things that weren't possible in the last
few months.
"Alex," he whispered finally, staring out the Range Rover's window at the
parking lot's grey-green asphalt. "You used to call me Alex..."
"Look at me, Alex. There's something I want you to understand."
He didn't want to, but he did, meeting the other man's gaze, green locking on
hazel. "What?"
"You call me Mulder again," he said, giving the ignition key a savage twist,
"and I'm gonna deck you."
He got on the Pacific Coast Highway heading north and kept driving until it got
dark, pulling off at a town he'd never heard of, finding a small but
clean-looking motel, pulling into the parking lot.
Alex had been dozing, having reluctantly choked down a pain pill a couple hours
before, but he revived a little just as he came back from the manager's office
with the key.
This time Alex needed help walking, so he looped his own arm under Alex's
uninjured one, helping him inside, letting him down gently on the edge of the
bed. "Slip off the jacket," he said, opening his bag, pulling out fresh gauze
and tape, "and lie back. I need to check you."
For once Alex was too groggy to put up an argument, leaning back on his pillow
with a jerky hiss of breath, eyes drifting shut. "How's it look?"
He peeled back the blood-smeared bandage, examining the wound. The stitches
were intact, with no sign of undue redness or swelling that would indicate the
onset of infection. "So far, so good," he answered, opening a fresh gauze pad,
"the bleeding's stopped, at least. Just take it easy for the next few days, and
you should be fine."
"Thanks," Alex mumbled, already half-nodding off.
He finished changing the dressing, reaching back in his bag for a syringe and
vial, filling the syringe, turning Alex's uninjured arm so he could find a
vein.
But Alex jerked his arm away, eyes snapping open, startled, hazed-over. "What
the hell're you doing?"
"Giving you an antibiotic shot."
"Get that fucking needle away from me."
"Look, Alex, you need this. A wound like that's an open invitation to
infection"
"Then give me a pill."
"I don't have any antibiotics in pill form. Sorry."
Alex's jaw worked, eyes finally closing, holding out his arm. "Do it."
He gave the injection as quickly as he could, tossing the syringe and vial in
the trash can under the bedside table. "You should've told me you're afraid of
needles."
"I'm not. I just wasn't sure you knew what you were doing."
That stung, but he wasn't about to let Alex see it. "I haven't killed you yet."
"Lucky me."
His stomach chose that moment to start rumbling. He wasn't sure whether to be
relieved or irritated. "There's a fast-food joint a couple miles down the road.
You want something?"
"Yeah...burger and a shake'll be good."
He got in the Range Rover and started driving, stopping first at a K-Mart that
was in the same parking lot as the fast-food joint, picking up a couple
three-packs each of men's t-shirts and boxers and two pairs of jeans, figuring
he and Alex were about the same size. Best to be prepared, as he had no clue
how long they'd be on the road.
Alex wasn't there when he got back, but his jeans were, thrown across the foot
of the bed along with his jacket.
And then he heard it, the soft patter of water hitting tile, coupled with what
sounded like a moan of pain.
The bathroom door yawned half-open, steam blanketing the air thick and hazy,
though not enough to keep him from seeing Alex's blurry form on the other side
of the fogged-up shower door, standing under the spray, a spot of something
suspiciously dark dotting his right shoulder.
He flung back the shower door, Alex's head snapping up in shock and surprise,
almost losing his tenuous one-handed grip on the slick tile. He looked
terrible, mouth slack, face pasty as fresh bread dough, eyes glazed, cloudy,
like dark jade.
He flicked off the water with one hand, grabbing a towel with the other,
draping it over Alex's shoulders, an arm going around him, helping him out of
the shower. "What the hell did you think you were doing?"
"I, um...felt sick to my stomach...thought a shower'd make me feel better..."
Shrugging, he flashed a wan smile. "Sorry."
"Nausea's a normal side effect of the painkiller. C'mon over here a minute."
Flipping down the toilet lid for Alex to sit on, he gently worked off the
bandage, wet gauze and tape pulling at Alex's torn, bruised skin, making him
gasp and wince.
"Did I rip anything?" Alex asked.
"No, but you came damn close. Next time you want a shower, let me help you,
okay?" Off Alex's nod, he added, "let's go back in the other room. I need to
put a fresh dressing on that."
He tried to offer Alex his arm again, but the other man shook him off, grabbing
the edge of the sink with his good hand, pulling himself up, wobbling, weaving
on his feet
And he caught him, a mere split-second before Alex lost his balance, arm going
around him so tightly it made them both momentarily breathless, so close he
could feel his clothes growing damp in patches from contact with Alex's wet
skin
So close he could feel Alex's warm breath feathering his shoulder, the hollow
of his throat, making him shiver.
Alex's hand came up, cupping his cheek, just like he had when he'd first woken
up back at the hotel, fingertips caressing, stroking. "I've been wanting to do
this all day," he whispered, smiling, leaning closer
Mouths touching, so softly at first he barely felt it, light, silky as
butterfly wings beating together, lips parting under Alex's gentle insistence,
all incipient protests promptly fleeing his mind. Alex's tongue met his,
entwining, dancing, sweet and tart and bitter, seducing and raping at the same
time, a raw blast of sensation exploding inside his brain, white-hot and
blinding, flooding his nerve endings
He heard himself moan, actually moan in disappointment and frustration when
Alex pulled back, breaking the kiss, stepping back to give them both room to
breathe, gripping the sink's edge again to hold himself steady.
"You okay?" Alex asked, tone so smoky-rough it was an effort to hear him,
fingertips still playing gently on his own skin, tracing a smooth, soft path
all the way down the line of his jaw. "Mulder..?"
That single word acted on him like a bucketful of ice dumped down his back,
shocking him back to reality in a second. "I told you not to call me that," he
snapped, falling back a step, then another, until he felt the reassuring
solidity of the doorjamb against his back.
"C'mon, I know you didn't mean"
He turned away before Alex could finish, trudging back in the other room,
dropping into a chair at the table near the window, rubbing a clammy, trembling
hand over his face, through his hair, breathing deeply, trying to quell his
heart's pounding, the steady, singing surge of blood between his temples. He
hadn't felt anything like this in months, not for anyone; he couldn't even
remember the last time he'd jacked off. And the hell of it was, he hadn't even
missed it. He'd started to think all the drugs he'd been taking had finally
fried his brain, burned every last shred of sexual desire out of him. Maybe it
was just a momentary aberration, borne out of pure exhaustion. He hoped so.
Either way, there was no denying what his body was telling him now, much as he
wanted to. The persistent, throbbing bulge in his jeans was evidence enough of
that.
He looked up when Alex came back in the room, towel wrapped around his waist,
still unsteady on his feet, stumbling over to the table, grabbing the fast-food
bag, pulling out his burger and shake, easing himself back down on the bed to
eat it.
His gaze flicked over the other man quickly, almost guiltily, taking in
slender, muscled legs, smooth, toned chest and abdomen in a single glance,
looking away at the precise same moment Alex looked up.
He choked down his own cold burger in silence, staring blankly out the window,
not letting himself think, not wanting to. Finally he started digging through
his bag, pulling out a map, spreading it out on the table.
"Where are we?" Alex asked, sliding off the bed, coming over. The mottled
purplish-yellow bruise covering his right shoulder looked even more stark and
livid in direct light.
He pointed to a spot on the map about three hundred miles outside LA. "Here, I
think."
"Where're we going?"
He'd been wracking his brain about that all afternoon, with little success.
There was his parents's summer house just outside Santa Barbara, but they'd
already passed it by, and besides, it'd be too damn easy for Ray to find them
there. Best to take a turn nobody was expecting.
Apparently Alex took his silence for the equivocation it was, for he leaned
over the map, running two fingers over it, halting at a spot another two
hundred or so miles north. "If we leave early in the morning, we should make it
here by noon."
"What's there?"
"A place I used to go as a kid."
"And you're sure it's still there?"
"Yeah, I'm sure," Alex answered softly. "It's my grandmother's cabin. She died
last year and left it to me. I haven't been there since I was fifteen, but it's
still there, and it's mine, and it's in an isolated enough spot that nobody
should see us, especially at this time of year."
"Okay," he said, fighting the urge to glance up. He was still too damned close
to losing it. "Sounds good. Not that we've got much choice otherwise."
Alex just shrugged, going back to lie down on the bed, pushing his burger
aside. He'd only taken two bites out of it. "Could you, um...fix me a new
bandage?"
He brought his bag over, kneeling beside the bed, steeling himself inside. He
could do this. It was his job, damn it, and Alex was his patient. He could do
this, he had to.
He worked as quickly and efficiently as he could, this time smearing the wound
with an antibiotic ointment before taping a new gauze pad in place, never
letting his gaze wander even a few millimeters from Alex's shoulder. "That
should hold you until morning," he said, pulling a vial of pain pills from the
bag. "Take another one of these. You probably won't be getting much sleep
otherwise."
He tried to get up, but Alex's hand on his arm stopped him. "Look, I'm sorry
about...what happened in the bathroom," Alex murmured. "Guess I kinda caught
you off-guard, huh?"
"Yeah," he answered with a chuckle, though he still didn't look at him. He
couldn't. "Yeah, you could say that."
"I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised...I mean, after the way I left and all,
I know I've got no right to ask you to forgive me"
God, this was too much. He couldn't stand it anymore. "You need to eat," he
said inanely, getting to his feet, nodding at Alex's abandoned meal.
"Um...my stomach still doesn't feel so good..."
"Drink your shake, then. You need something on your stomach before you take
another pill. I'm taking a shower," he added, grabbing his bag and his own
shake, ducking into the bathroom before Alex could say anything else.
He got in the shower and rinsed off quickly, gratefully, trying to keep his
mind a blank, though one part of him had ideas of its own, the part that was
slowly stiffening as he stroked it with one soapy hand. Reaching for the cold
water knob, he twisted it on full blast, relief jetting through him as his
arousal subsided under the icy spray.
Climbing out, he toweled off, his mind replaying Alex's words from a few
minutes ago over and over until they were a knife twisting in his gut,
threatening to rip him open. He wiped steamy residue from the mirror, staring
at himself, at his face, his body...
His face, his body, and somebody else's. Somebody named Mulder.
Jesus, the whole scenario would've been laughable if it wasn't so fucking
pathetic. Here he was, a new hard-on rising with each beat of his pulse, his
mind spinning back to what had happened in here not half an hour ago. A hard-on
for a guy he hadn't even known existed this time yesterday. For Alex.
And the bitch of it was, Alex didn't even want him. He wanted this guy who
looked like him, this guy Mulder. Whoever the fuck he was.
He ripped through the bag until he found it, a sealed plastic baggie tucked in
an inside pocket, a dozen clear glass ampules within. His stash. Nectar and
ambrosia. Liquid nirvana.
Pulling out one precious ampule, he held it up to the hazy light, shak-ing it
slightly, flicking the end off with his thumb. He took the lid off what was
left of his milk shake and dumped the contents of the ampule into it, eighteen,
nineteen, twenty beautiful, perfectly clear droplets, stirring them in with his
straw, bringing the plastic cup to his lips slowly, almost reverently
Gulping the whole thing down in three greedy swallows.
He waited, breathing slowly, deeply, gripping the edge of the sink with both
hands, waiting for it, for the glorious numbness that blotted out everything.
No past, no future, just a sweet, sticky now.
Half-stumbling back to the other room, he landed on the mattress with all the
grace of a sack of flour, his gaze lingering momentarily on Alex lying there on
the other side of the bed, eyes closed, mouth slightly open, dead asleep.
He saw, he acknowledged, and he didn't care. He didn't care about anything
anymore, didn't want anything but this, just this hazy blackness.
And maybe when he woke up, he'd get what he'd been wishing for for the past
year.
Maybe he'd wake up inside somebody else's skin.
They left the motel a little after eight the next morning, and, as Alex had
predicted, arrived at the cabin in early afternoon. It was a tiny place,
two-storied, all stone and redwood and half-overgrown, nestled in a green,
woodsy thicket within walking distance of the beach, the only road leading in
paved with a homemade mixture of dirt and gravel.
It was isolated, all right. From what he'd been able to glean from the map, he
figured they were about thirty miles south of Big Sur. Alex said the place had
its own well and generator, so they wouldn't have to go without modern
conveniences, and the neighborsif you could call somebody who lived ten
miles away a neighborwouldn't be alerted to their presence. So far, so
good.
They climbed out and went in, Alex fumbling one-handed for the key in his
pocket, the door sticking momentarily, finally swinging open. Musty, stale air
hit him square in the face the second he stepped inside, and he crossed to the
double doors on the opposite side of the room and opened them, letting in fresh
air and sunshine.
It was a nice room, he saw, turning to look at it in the light, a comfortable
room, with a huge fireplace, hard-wood floors covered with thick rugs,
furniture overstuffed, sagging and even a little frayed in places, but no TV or
radio. Strangely enough, though, he found himself not minding; in fact, a few
days here without the outside world encroaching was just fine with him.
The kitchen was surprisingly well-equipped, with a four-burner gas stove and a
refrigerator-freezer that looked like it could've stored an entire side of beef
with no problem. Good thing they'd stopped for provisions at a little
Mom-and-Dad grocery store about ten miles down the road.
"The generator's out back," Alex said, his soft tone slicing through the
silence so unexpectedly it made him jump. "I'll get it started."
A protest rose to his lips, dying stillborn. Alex was a lot better today, much
stronger and more alert than he himself had hoped. Best let him get in as much
physical activity as he could. As long as he didn't try moving or lifting his
injured arm too much until it was time to take the stitches out, he'd be fine.
And it would happen soon. A week, ten days at most, and Alex would be able to
get by on his own. Not a hundred percent, but certainly well enough not to need
a doctor anymore.
That's when he'd go. He'd decided in the car, on the long drive up here today.
Ten days, and he'd be out of here. He'd figure out where he was going when the
time came.
He heard a loud crunch, rumble and whirr, like the sound of a car engine
turning over, realizing a second later it had to be the generator. Alex was
starting back towards the house, so he headed out to the car to get the
groceries.
They put everything away, packing all the perishables in the sink with a bag of
icecubes they'd bought until the generator got the fridge cold enough and
trudged upstairs, Alex trailing a few steps behind him, slightly breathless yet
still shrugging off his offer of help.
There was a good-sized bathroom with both a shower and a tub, and two bedrooms.
Yes, thank God, two bedrooms. His relief must have shown in his expression, for
Alex shot him an unmistakably crestfallen glance. "You mean we're not going
to"
"You're still not well, Alex, and I don't want you doing anything that's gonna
tear out those stitches"
"So that means we can't sleep in the same bed together? God, Mulder, we don't
have to fuck like bunnies every single night, I can control myself"
"Will you just lay off?" he cut in a touch more sharply than he'd intended, the
half-stung, half-angry look on Alex's face combining with his own
embarrassment, flooding him with heat from head to toe. "Look, we'll see how
you feel when the stitches come out, okay?"
"Yeah, right," Alex retorted, turning, marching down the hallway to the other
bedroom, "don't do me any favors."
The weather inside and out remained the same for the next several days
overcast and cool, if not downright frosty. He and Alex did their best to stay
out of each other's way, with the exception of dinnertime and the two brief
times a day, morning and evening, when he checked Alex's shoulder and
administered his antibiotic injection. He supposed it wasn't so bad; at least
this way he didn't have to listen to Alex calling him Mulder all the time. He'd
long since thrown in the towel on trying to convince him he wasn't Mulder at
all.
Not that it mattered much at this point anyway. Alex's wound was healing
quickly, with no apparent sign of infection. Wouldn't be long now until he
could leave.
And that's what kept him locked in his room every night, mixing up another
ampule of fentanyl in a glass of milk, slugging it down, lying back on his
soft, solitary bed, waiting to feel nothing again. Waiting to feel anything but
what he'd been feeling ever since that night back at the motel, like he was
being roasted over a slow flame and all it'd take was the right word, the right
glance from Alex to tumble him headlong into the fire.
So he closed his eyes and waited for the darkness, where there was no fire.
He woke the next morning to find sunshine streaming in through his window and
elves playing a drum symphony inside his head. The latter wasn't unusual,
though the former was, and that was the only thing that got him up and dressed.
No more darkness until tonight.
Alex was already in the kitchen, sitting at the table, working on a plate of
eggs and toast. "Feels a lot better today," he said, indicating his shoulder.
"Take a look?"
He nodded and went back upstairs for his bag. Alex was standing at the sink
when he came down again, and for some reason this time he noticed something he
hadn't beforenamely, what Alex was wearing. Cut-offs and a grey tank top.
Tight cut-offs that made his ass look like a ripe juicy apple, he noted, mouth
going dryand if Alex had any underwear on, he didn't know where he was
hiding it. The top had an insignia on it, he saw as Alex swung around to face
him, and lettering too, circling the insignia, reading "Naval Post-Graduate
School."
Alex's eyes met his, following the line of his gaze, then, fingering the shirt,
explained, "they're my Dad's clothes, found 'em in a drawer upstairs. It's
finally getting warm, might as well dress to enjoy it, right?"
Swallowing hard, he waited for Alex to sit down again, then peeled the gauze
pad from his shoulder. It came off clean and easy, revealing a small round hole
ringed by fading purplish bruises. Something inside him clenched at the sight
of it.
"Looks like today's the day," he said, reaching in his bag for suture scissors.
Four, five snips at both entry and exit wounds and the stitches were out. "Move
your arm a little," he instructed. "I want to see how high you can lift it."
Alex's eyes looked like somebody'd lit a torch inside them, but he barely got
his arm raised up to shoulder level before sweat pearled on his forehead and
upper lip, and he let it drop with a pained, disgusted sigh. "Jesus, I can't do
anything like this"
"Take it easy, you'll be stiff and sore for awhile, that's normal. To be
honest, I'm amazed you're able to do this much." Alex glanced up at him then,
shoulders slumped, expression so disappointed it threatened to rip his heart
out. "You got shot, Alex. You can't expect to just bounce back to your old
self, it's gonna take time. Be grateful for what you can do today."
"Okay," he said finally, getting up, staring out the window, into the sunshine
pouring down through the trees. "I'm gonna take a walk to the beach. Come with
me."
That sent a hot chill straight through him, though somehow he managed to tamp
it down. Now was his chance; he'd decline the offer then, while Alex was gone,
he'd pack up his stuff and go. No arguments, no messy complications. He
couldn't ask for a more perfect escape. "I'm, um...not really that great a
swimmer," he mumbled, hoping it didn't sound too much like a lie, "and you'd
better not"
"I didn't say we had to go in the water. Jesus, Mulder, it's gonna be
eighty-five degrees today, and I'm not spending it cooped up in this house.
What's the point of having a house near the beach if you never go to the
beach?"
"Um...no, sorry," he said, zipping his bag back up and heading for the stairs,
standing alone in his room until he heard the back door close. Peering out the
window, he saw Alex ambling down the path that led down to the beach, a towel
slung over his arm.
He crept back downstairs on tiptoe even though he knew it was ridiculous,
slipping out the front door, throwing his bag and extra change of clothes in
the back of the Range Rover. He could still see Alex from here, padding down
the dirt trail, sun glinting off his hair, turning his skin golden.
He was heading back inside the house in the next second, marching straight to
the kitchen door and out, finding the path, still marked with Alex's dusty
footprints, picking up his pace with each step until he was running, nearly
stumbling over all the brambles and tree roots sticking up out of the ground,
not stopping, not even slowing down. The forest thinned abruptly, opening out
on a wide expanse of beach, sand so white it almost blinded, the sea laid out
before him like a cerulean platter.
And there was Alex, right there in the middle of it all, spreading his towel
out on the sand, strolling toward the water, stopping just as he reached the
point where the surf rolled up over his feet and ankles, throwing his head
back, eyes closed, sun bathing him.
He wanted to go forward, wanted to join him, but his feet wouldn't move. It was
too beautiful, Alex was too beautiful, too peaceful, right at this moment.
Something in him wouldn't let him ruin that, the simplicity, the beauty of it.
It belonged to Alex. He had no right to intrude.
He ventured as far as Alex's beach towel, sitting down, toeing off his shoes.
Alex hadn't turned around. He would watch him, just for another minute or so,
then he'd go. Alex would never have to know.
He dug his toes in the sand, soft and fine as baby powder against his skin,
feeling the sun beating down, warm and comfortable, but with a steely backbone
that promised higher temperatures later on. Alex was right; it was going to be
a beautiful day.
Alex moved, pulling his top up and over his head, unbuttoning, unzipping his
cut-offs, shimmying out of them, letting them drop to the sand, walking naked
into the waves.
He wanted to move, wanted to get up off the towel and run down to the water and
stop him, but he didn't. All he could do was watch, fascinated, paralyzed, as
Alex went in up to his waist
And stopped, splashing his arms and chest, burying his face in the water and
blowing bubbles like a little kid in a bathtub, water streaming from his nose
when he finally flung his head back, laughing.
The sound went right through him, a fine silvery blade thrust straight into his
heart. They'd been together a week, and he'd never heard Alex laugh before, not
like that, anyway. It was a happy, joyous sound, the sound of a man who was
glad to be alive.
He couldn't recall the last time he'd heard that sound coming from his own
lips.
Alex bobbed, teetered in the waves's soft rhythm like an overgrown sea otter,
lying on his back to float, water flowing, kissing his skin, green-blue liquid
silk. He stayed that way for what seemed like a long time, finally standing
back up, turning, moving slowly through the water, heading back to the beach.
It was too late, he knew that the second he saw green eyes narrow, catching
sight of him sitting there on the towel, he'd stayed too long, he was caught,
no point in running away now.
Then a high wave smashed Alex right in the center of his back, tumbling him
sideways into the surf
And he was on his feet, racing down to the waterline, relief surging through
him when he saw Alex surface, climbing to his feet as the breaker subsided,
waving him away, emerging from the water with a wide, exhilarated smile.
"Glad you decided to come down," Alex said, walking toward him, scooping up his
shirt and cut-offs, though he made no move to put them on. "You might want to
wait till later to go in, though. The water's about fifty degrees and it can be
a shock if you're not used to it."
"Don't tell me about shocks. Christ, Alex, what the hell was that? I thought
you were drowning out there!"
"Take it easy, I'm not gonna drown in four feet of water. I've still got one
good arm, remember?"
"You said you weren't going in."
"I didn't say I wasn't going in. I said we didn't have to. And we don't,"
he said, grinning, sweeping a few wet strands of hair out of his face, starting
to walk over toward the towel. "You coming?"
He stared after him, gaze sweeping him from foot to scalp and back again.
Droplets gleamed like new diamonds on Alex's naked skin, all ivory-smooth, the
tiny dimpled indentation at the small of his back dusted with dark hair,
sloping downward into firm, rounded flesh.
He followed, feeling like the air had somehow thickened in the last ten
seconds, he couldn't breathe, could barely move, he wasn't going to make it
over to the towel, he'd die first, he was sure of it
And suddenly he was there, standing in front of Alex, staring into his eyes,
those deep green eyes that looked like jade and moss and the sea all put
together, eyes drawing closer even as he felt Alex's hand on his shoulder,
sliding up to his throat, his cheek
Alex's lips on his, warm and soft and insistent, teasing him open, tongues
touching, a molten shock sailing straight through him. He jerked back, gasping,
trembling, pulse beating a wild tattoo between his ears. "Al-Alex, I d-didn't
come here for"
"I know what you came here for," Alex murmured, smiling, "take off your shirt."
"Wh-what?"
"Take it off or I'll take it off for you."
He wasn't sure which one of them did it, but he was standing there bare-chested
a few seconds later, shivering despite the warm breeze.
"Lie down on the towel," Alex ordered.
"Don't you want me to take off my pants?"
"Later. Lie down."
It felt good, spreading himself out under the sun's heat, the sand cushioning
him better than any mattress. It felt good looking up at Alex, seeing Alex
looking down at him, seeing Alex slide down on the towel next to him, feeling
his fingertips trail down his shoulder, down to his chest, raising goosebumps
everywhere he touched.
"You cold?" Alex whispered, dipping down, breath tickling his ear, "you're
shaking all over."
"J-Jesus, Alex..."
That made him laugh, low and throaty this time. "Yeah, well, I think this'll
warm you up..." And he started with his ear lobe, flicking his tongue, nipping,
dusting his skin with tiny catbites, moving lower, down his chest
Palming one nipple, taking the other in his teeth, alternately stroking,
sucking them to hardened little nubs, sensation flooding him like chain
lightning, pooling in his groin, making him twist and writhe until he was
halfway off the towel.
Alex rolled on top of him, pinning him under his weight, tongue marking a long,
squiggly stripe all the way down to his navel, stabbing, darting into the soft
puckered hole, moving downward, cheek rubbing against the crisp, springy hair
on his belly. He felt his fly button popping loose, fingers fumbling with the
zipper, easing it down, gasping in mingled relief and dismay as his rising
erection sprang free.
"Yeah, I'd say you're getting warm," Alex purred with a grin, tugging at his
jeans one-handed. "Lift up."
"I-I don't want to"
"The hell you don't. Lift up."
"But...what if somebody..."
"This is a private beach, always has been. Nobody else around for miles." Their
eyes met, Alex's expression suddenly turning serious, even gentle. "You've
never made love on the beach before?"
He shook his head.
"Looks like you're in for a treat. Lift up," Alex repeated. This time he didn't
resist, raising his hips to let Alex slide off his jeans, scooting back down
the towel. Alex grinned, moving up a little, mouth descending in another
brutal, dizzying kiss. "Relax, you're gonna love this."
"Look, I don't want you hurting yourself"
"Jesus, Mulder, give it a fucking rest. I'm not gonna break." And the next
thing he knew he was flat on his back on the towel, Alex on top of him again,
sliding down to where he was before, picking up where he left off, mouth
tracing warm, wet, mind-shattering spirals on his belly, gently parting his
thighs with one hand, moving lower, nipping and laving the soft, hypersensitive
skin at the juncture of thigh and groin.
He wasn't sure if it was the sound of the name that wasn't his or Alex's
fingers closing around his erection that did it, but his hips arched right off
towel at that exact moment, pulse thundering into overdrive
//You don't belong here shouldn't be here he's not doing this for you he
doesn't even want you he wants Mulder
//Push him away get up grab your clothes get the fucking hell out of here//
And then something hot and wet enveloped him like a furnace, knocking him back,
draining his will, swallowing him whole
It was Alex, Alex's lips and tongue flicking over the tip of him, Alex's mouth
opening, engulfing him in one long, soul-ripping stroke, he knew it without
looking, but he looked anyway, couldn't help it, he had to see, had to know for
sure
Eyes met, locked, hazel on green, green like jade and moss and the sea melded
into one, so intense it blotted out the sun
And he moaned, throwing his head back as Alex took him deeper, as deep as he
could go, hitting the back of his throat, his own hand drifting down, fingers
winding in silky dark hair, holding him there, urging him on
//God oh God it's been too fucking long can't hold back I'm gonna lose it//
And he thrust and kept thrusting, screaming, moaning, spurting hot and sticky
into Alex's welcoming mouth.
He floated for what seemed like a long time, drifting in the ether until he
slowly became aware of the ground's solid presence beneath him again, the sun's
warmth growing more intense, and something else, something heavy yet strangely
reassuring lying across his belly.
Alex stirred the same time he did, glancing up, eyes still slightly hazy,
pressing a soft kiss to his midriff. "Guess you liked that, huh?"
He smiled in reply, tousling dark hair.
"Wanna go for a swim?"
He shook his head.
"You lose your voice?"
He shrugged.
Alex just laughed, snuggling closer, falling silent.
The silence continued as they lay there half-dozing, holding each other in
gauzy afterglow until the sun hung directly overhead.
"Um...I think we'd better go back," he said finally, sitting up. "We forgot an
essential at the grocery store the other day."
Alex rolled onto his back, squinting up at him. "What?"
"Sunscreen. If we lay out here much longer, we're gonna be toast."
"Oh. Okay," Alex said, sitting up, reaching for his cut-offs. "By the way," he
added, pulling something from the pocket, "what's this?"
He stopped with one leg of his jeans halfway up, glancing at the empty glass
ampule Alex was holding in his hand, staring at it, going completely, instantly
numb. "Wh-where'd you get that?"
"Found it on the floor in your room, near the foot of your bed."
"What the hell were you doing in my room?"
"Looking for my dad's clothes. They were in the bureau"
"Bullshit. You went in there to look through my stuff, to fucking spy on me."
Yanking his jeans the rest of the way on, he zipped them up, started walking
away.
"Fentanyl citrate."
That made him turn around. "What?"
"That's what this says. Fentanyl citrate," Alex repeated, standing up to face
him, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he was still naked. "Shit, Mulder,
this stuff's next door to heroin. But then," he went on, coming closer, "you're
not really Mulder, are you?"
His life had just taken a sharp left turn into the land of utter absurdity. He
didn't know whether to laugh in Alex's face or smash him across the jaw. "It's,
um...synthetic heroin, actually. My drug of choice," he murmured. "When'd you
finally figure it out?"
"I think I knew the second I saw you didn't have the scar on your shoulder, I
just didn't want to believe it. I mean, you responded when I kissed you, and
after that..." Maybe it was because the sun was behind him now, but his eyes
were darker now, steely, flinty as slate. "You look like him, you sound like
him, you even act like him...it was easier to just let it go, not question it.
But after I found this...I had to know for sure." He tossed the ampule onto the
sand, one corner of his mouth quirking up. "You don't taste like him."
"Oh, Jesus..." he breathed, "oh, Jesus Christ..." This was it, too much, too
goddamned much for any sane man to take
And he ran, back to the path, into the trees, branches whipping at his face,
not caring, not looking, running faster
Tripping, falling, hitting the dirt with a hard, bone-jarring smack, going
limp, rolling instinctively into a ball.
Alex was there a moment later, hands on his shoulders, moving him gently onto
his back, stroking, caressing him until the pain faded and he could move and
think on his own again. "You gonna be okay?"
He nodded, sitting up slowly, head still ringing, running one hand over both
feet and ankles in turn, all the way up to his thighs, then, satisfied nothing
was broken, did the same with his arms and ribs. "Got the wind knocked out of
me is all," he mumbled, standing up with Alex's help, taking a couple tentative
steps. He was sore, and the whole left side of his body would be a mass of
bruises by tomorrow morning, but otherwise he'd be fine.
They started up the path together, back towards the house, neither of them
saying anything. There was nothing left to say. He'd do what he should've done
in the first placeget in the Range Rover and leave.
It wasn't until they were back in the kitchen again that something struck him
as strange, then, looking at Alex, he finally realized what it was. Alex'd put
his cut-offs back on. Part of him couldn't help feeling disappointed. He'd
gotten used to seeing him naked.
"So...you blowing me out there on the beach, that was, what, just a test? Just
your way of finding out if I was really him? That's the only reason you did
it?"
"Yeah," Alex replied softly, leaning against the sink, staring out the window,
"that, and because I wanted to. It'd been so long...I'd given up on ever seeing
him again, and then I woke up in that hotel room and saw you there and I
thought it was a miracle, that somehow I'd gotten a second chance. No way was I
gonna fuck it up this time."
"What happened?" Off Alex's half-pained, half-questioning look, he added, "with
him, I mean. How'd you fuck it up?"
"I got his trust, seduced him, betrayed him, exactly what I'd been assigned to
do. Guess I just wasn't prepared for all the...ensuing complications."
"You fell in love with him."
He hesitated, then nodded. "Yeah...I guess I did."
There it was, hanging out there in the air between them. He didn't need to hear
any more. Turning, he headed for the front door
And stopped not two steps away from it, Alex's hand on his shoulder. "I told
you the truth," he said, "now you owe me a truth."
"I don't owe you a fucking thing," he snapped, jerking away.
"How'd you end up working for Ray? Was it because of the drugs?"
"What the hell do you care?"
"Tell me."
His fingers had closed over the door knob, but something in Alex's eyes kept
him from turning it. "Yeah, it was the drugs...indirectly."
"How, indirectly?"
His eyes drifted shut momentarily, memories flickering, coming into focus. "I
was in a bar making a buy one night a couple months ago when one of Ray's
buddies got shot. I kept him alive long enough to get him to a hospital. Claire
saw the whole thing, told Ray about it. He dropped ten grand and a job offer in
my lap. I think I hesitated all of five seconds."
"So you really are a doctor?"
"No," he said flatly. "Not anymore. Not since...Jesus, it's a year ago next
month."
"So why aren't you anymore?"
"Because I performed surgery when I was so fucking high I couldn't see
straight, and I lost my patient. Then I lost my license."
"You lost more than that," Alex said softly.
He looked away, the silence between them crawling under his skin like a million
ants. "Look, your shoulder's healed, you don't need me anymore. I should just
leave."
"Don't."
"Why?"
"Maybe because I don't want you to."
That made his head snap back up. "Because you want me to be Mulder for you
again? That's what you really want, isn't it?"
"No," Alex said, drawing closer, so close he could feel his breath feathering
his skin, "I want you."
Their lips touched, soft, warm, so briefly he wasn't even sure it had happened,
and then he felt it, Alex's fingers trailing up his jaw, down his throat,
finding the gently thrumming pulse there, stroking it with the pad of his
thumb.
"Stop it," he rasped, pulling back, pushing him away. "I can't do this, Alex."
"You were doing it just fine back there on the beach."
"You thought I was him then."
"And now I know you're not him, and you know I know...and we're both still
standing here."
He tried to move, tried to back up, but he couldn't, he was pressed flat
against the door. No escape, nowhere to run.
He went limp, all the energy draining out of him, Alex's lips on his throat,
his cheek, gently kissing each lowered eyelid in turn, tongue darting, licking,
tasting, leaving moist skin and spiky lashes in his wake
"Alex..." he half-groaned, half-gasped a split-second before their mouths made
teasing, fleeting contact again.
"C'mon," Alex murmured, taking his hand, "let's go upstairs."
He followed, his last shred of resistance flying away like a scrap of paper in
a breeze, all the way up the stairs, down the hall to Alex's room. Morning sun
poured in through the curtains, bathing the walls and floor with pale golden
light.
Light fell across the bed too, and so did he, when Alex gave him a tiny push
that landed him flat on his back, Alex landing beside him in the next instant,
staring down at him, dipping down for another kiss.
It was calm, even sweet at first, the way they lay there together, touching,
exploring each other's bodies with a maddening, leisurely thoroughness that
sent the blood roaring in his temples, surging straight to his groin.
Alex broke away, sliding to the edge of the bed, half-standing to slip off his
cut-offs, yanking open the bedside table drawer, throwing a slim green tube and
some shiny silver packets onto the bed.
He saw Alex's lips move, realized he was saying something, but all he could do
was stare, gaze sweeping him, drinking him in, lighting finally on the stiff,
rosy wand nestled in that dark thicket of curls between his thighs, long and
slender and beautiful, just like the rest of him.
Leaning forward, he brushed Alex's velvety-smooth tip with the barest whisper
of his lips, sucking it into his mouth, a dizzying mingled burst of salt and
bitter musk exploding onto his tongue
Alex's fingers winding deep in his hair, gently but firmly lifting him off and
away. "Top or bottom?"
"H-huh?"
"Do you want to be top or bottom?"
Part of him realized the question was significant; the rest of him couldn't
quite figure out how. "I, um...dunno, I mean, I've never..."
Alex's smile froze, faded. "Y-you're kidding, right?"
"No."
"Oh, Jesus..."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I just...wasn't expecting you to be, um...you know"
"A virgin?"
"Well...yeah," Alex replied with a short laugh, easing back down on the bed
next to him, "I mean, you were really getting into it back at the beach"
"I've, um...been sucked and jerked off before, I just haven't..." God, this was
ridiculous; he could feel his face flooding with a fresh wave of heat, but no
matter how hard he tried, he couldn't suppress the reaction.
"Would you rather just do that? I don't mind."
"I do. Look, Alex, I may not have a lot of experience, but I know what feels
good," he said, "and I know what I want."
That made him grin again, eyes alight. "So I guess the question remains...top
or bottom?"
"How'd you usually do it with"
"Forget that. What do you want?"
"You," he answered, surprised that he didn't even have to think about it. "You
do me."
"'Kay," Alex whispered, tracing the line of his lower lip with his thumb,
leaning in for a kiss, rolling him on his side, wrapping himself around him so
they spooned. His own hand drifted down, started fumbling with his fly button,
but Alex's hand closed over his, stilling him with a touch. "Not yet," he said
softly, "relax...just let it happen..."
His eyes drooped shut and everything faded away, everything except Alex's
fingers massaging the skin at the nape of his neck, brushing through his hair,
tilting his head back, Alex's mouth on his throat, nipping at his earlobe,
trailing a slow, wet path all the way down his spine, alternately licking and
biting every little dip in his vertebrae, finally reaching the small of his
back, fingers soothing, whispering over the skin there, slipping under the
waistband of his jeans, into his hot, moist crevice, searching, finding his
tight opening, gently rubbing.
Bright red flashed behind his eyes and he tore open his fly, half-sobbing as
cool air wafted over his erection, Alex's hands on his hips, easing the jeans
down over his ass, skinning them down and off
Rolling him onto his stomach, face-down in the cool white sheets, Alex moving
away for a few seconds then coming back, Alex's hands cupping his ass now, lips
softly kissing that warm flesh, fingers sliding back where they'd been before,
slippery now, resuming their slow, insistent action until the ring of muscle
finally relaxed, one finger gliding in up to the first knuckle, then two,
opening, stretching him.
It felt weird, strange, pain and not pain, Alex's fingers delving, strok-ing,
raking across his prostate
Starburst clusters going off inside his head, biting, grabbing the sheets, hips
bucking, jack-knifing
"You ready for me?" Alex whispered, lips close to his ear.
"Y-you bastard..."
"Guess that's my answer," he laughed, brushing a quick kiss across his throat.
"Be right back." There was a sharp rip and crackle of foil, followed by Alex's
tiny half-groan as he rolled the condom on, and then he was back, hands
kneading his ass, spreading him open.
He sucked in a deep breath, feeling Alex start to enter him, just the tip at
first, slowly exhaling as he pushed forward as gently as he could, sweet
pressure building with each thrust, going deeper, all the way in.
Sweat broke through his skin like a thousand tiny needles, bathing him, Alex
falling forward, draping himself over his back, mouth at the nape of his neck,
biting, laving, teasing, one hand at his hip, holding him, one hand reaching up
to cover his, fingers entwining, nails digging into his palm.
They moved, finding their rhythm together, slow like honey at first, liquid and
golden, just like the sunshine pouring across them, anointing them with its
light, urgency inevitably building, going faster, Alex's weight holding him
down, holding him prisoner, bodies slapping, sweaty, sticky, Alex's hips
pumping, driving like a piston, shoving him deeper into the sheets.
He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, he was dying, he knew that now, he was
dying right here in this bed with Alex on top of him, impaling him, fucking him
to death
And Alex was dying too, he heard it, heard his moans and cries echoing his own,
felt his teeth at the curve between his neck and throat, biting down, biting
hard, release searing through them, brutal, insane, ripping them both apart
from the inside out.
He wasn't sure how long he was out, but he woke up in Alex's bed alone and with
a pounding headache. Judging from the sunlight's shifted slant across the bed,
he guessed it had to be mid-afternoon.
Every muscle in his body screamed when he finally sat up, swinging his legs
over the side of the bed, nausea washing over him like a tidal wave. His fall
back in the woods was finally taking its toll; that, coupled with the fact that
he hadn't taken anything since last night.
Some pills would do it. He'd still be sore and bruised, but by the time they
started working, he wouldn't care.
He stumbled down the hallway toward the stairs, stopping abruptly outside his
room, his glance caught by his bag and extra clothing piled there on the bed;
Alex must've seen it down in the Range Rover and carried it all back upstairs.
Rummaging around in the bag, he found what he needed quickly, measuring out a
dosage, staring at it, rolling it in his palm, savoring the moment. Two little
pills that'd wipe away all the pain, inside and out, make everything perfect.
He held up the pill vial, counting what he had left. Twelve. They'd last him
three more days, maybe four if he was careful. Fortunately, he hadn't
overindulged on amphetamines while he and Alex had been here, or he would've
run out a long time ago. Digging in the bag again, he pulled out his plastic
baggie, panic twisting through him when he saw only three ampules left. Three
more nights of darkness.
But where could he get more? He didn't even know where the hell he was, much
less where to hook up with a new connection. Maybe if he called his regular guy
back in LA, he could put him in touch with someone, give him a name, a
contact
And the nearest phone was at that grocery store ten miles back.
Yanking on jeans and a t-shirt, he got up, grabbing his bag and keys, heading
for the door
Almost running smack into Alex. "Where the hell're you going?"
"Out," he snapped, trying to get around him, but Alex was too fast, hand going
up to grasp the doorjamb, blocking his way out. "Look, I need to go somewhere."
"Where?"
"Alex..."
"When're you coming back?" Green eyes locked on his, going through him like
twin sunbeams, dropping down to his hand, to the vial he was still clutching.
"Or are you?"
"I don't know," he croaked, throat suddenly, completely dry, "just get out of
my way, all right?"
Alex just looked at him, then stepped back into the hallway.
He couldn't believe it. Alex had given in too fast, too easily, but right now
he didn't care. All that mattered now was getting out of here, getting to that
phone.
"I just want to say one thing," Alex said softly, "if you walk out that door,
don't bother coming back. Ever."
The words stung him like a jagged blade, stopping him, turning him back against
his will. "C'mon, Alex, stop it"
"What, stop you from killing yourself? Why would I want to do that? Go on, get
out of here, do whatever the fuck you want."
"I'm not Mulder, Alex. You can't expect me to be him."
"I don't. I already told you I don't"
"This is who I am," he cut in, holding up the vial. "Accept it or don't accept
it, but this is me. I don't know how to be anything else."
"So what're you saying, 'love me, love my dope.'?" Alex spat. "I'm not letting
this slide, Eugene. I can't. I'm not getting in bed tonight with a fucking drug
addict."
His name. It was the first time Alex had called him by name, his name, not
Mulder's. He hadn't heard anyone say it in so long it sounded strange, foreign.
He wanted to turn around, wanted to walk down the hallway, down the stairs, but
his feet had turned to lead. He couldn't move, all he could do was stand there,
staring at Alex, into sea-green eyes that seared him straight to his soul.
And suddenly he could move, and did, back toward Alex, glancing into his room,
into the shadows bathing the four walls. It was dark in there, dark as dusk, no
afternoon light coming in through the window, like there was in Alex's room. He
wondered why it hadn't bothered him before.
He dropped the vial back in the bag, holding it out to Alex. "Here. Take it."
"What d'you want me to do with it?"
"Hide it, bury it, run over it, I don't care. Just don't let me get my hands on
it again," he replied. "I'm gonna be sick for the next three or four days. If
you don't think you can handle it, tell me now."
Alex swallowed hard, then nodded, green eyes meeting his straight on,
unwavering. "So what should I expectcold sweats, the shakes,
hallucinations?"
"And vomiting, and screaming fits. For starters."
"You took care of me. The least I can do is return the favor," Alex replied,
smiling, reaching out to rub his shoulder, trail his fingertips along the side
of his throat. "C'mon downstairs, I've got lunch ready. You're gonna need to
keep up your strength."
He felt something warm and wet touching his forehead, and slitted his eyes open
just long enough to catch a blazing, stinging glimpse of afternoon sun. "Wha'
time's it?" he slurred, lips and tongue swollen, thick as wet wool.
"About four," Alex replied, lifting a glass of water to his lips, holding it
while he took a sip. "You've been asleep most of the day. That's a good sign."
"Says who?"
The only answer he got was a digital thermometer being shoved under his tongue,
then pulled out when it started beeping a minute later. "Your fever's gone down
a little. Maybe tonight it'll stay down."
"Maybe." It hadn't for the last two nights, but he didn't say so. He didn't
have to; the memory was permanently engraved on both of them. Even lying here
in Alex's bed, his head still pounded, spun, stomach roiling at the same time,
mouth dry, sour, metallic-tasting. His body ached all over too, still sore from
both the fall he'd taken in the woods and the luscious, wonderful strain of his
and Alex's lovemaking two days ago. And to top that off, the temperature
outside had been hovering somewhere in the low nineties since early that
morning.
He grabbed the top blanket, pulling it over him, sweating and shivering at the
same time, one hand flying up to catch the moist washrag on his head before it
slid off onto the pillow. Fingers brushed, collided with Alex's, and he opened
his eyes again, smiling. "Thanks."
Alex smiled back, wiping down his face, throat, shoulders and chest with the
rapidly cooling rag, refolding it, putting it in a basin of water sitting on
the bedside table. "Wanna try to eat something? I could make some soup."
Just the thought of food was enough to send his guts into fresh spasms.
"Unh-uh, no thanks..."
"You should try. Water's all you've had today."
"Later, okay? You give it to me now, it'll come right back up."
"Okay."
They fell silent, and he let his eyes drift shut again, gratefully blanking out
the too-bright sunlight, his breathing slowing, steadying, feeling Alex's
fingers close over his hand, lying there by his side, on top of the damp,
wrinkled sheet.
He rolled over, giving Alex's hand a tug, pulling him along with him, onto the
bed, feeling the mattress's soft dip as Alex slid down beside him, arms going
around him, cradling him from behind.
"Feeling better?" Alex asked, softly kissing his shoulder.
"Compared to what?"
"Maybe I should get up, let you go back to sleep."
"I'm not sleepy," he answered, one hand tightening around both of Alex's,
holding them there at his waist. "Don't go. Please."
He sensed Alex's rising protest, sensed him tamping it down, felt Alex finally
relaxing against him, chin hooked over his shoulder, mouth close to his ear.
"How'd all this start for you?" he asked.
"Wh-what?"
"The drugs. Why'd you start taking them?"
The question echoed, reverberated, ringing his brain like a struck bell. It was
a question he'd always expected Raymond to ask him, but he never had. Most
likely there'd been no need; he was pretty damn sure Ray'd known everything
there was to know about him before they'd ever laid eyes on each other.
"I, um...experimented a lot in college, tried just about everything there was
to try, but nothing heavy, nothing I couldn't handle. I wasn't an addict, not
then anyway. I got through med school taking uppers during exam weeks, then
crashing, sleeping it off for a few days afterward, but other than that, I
never used. I graduated, did my internship, residency, and I was clean the
whole time...then one night around two, three a.m. I got called in to assist in
surgery. The patient was...she'd been in a car wreck, her chest and abdomen
were shredded up like hamburger. We worked on her for almost five hours, but
there was nothing..." His breath caught, snagged, voice cracking, breaking.
"She was just a kid, just sixteen years old and she was the first patient I
ever lost and I had to walk out to that waiting room and tell her parents she
was gone. God, the look on their faces...I went home blitzed but I couldn't
sleep, all I could think was if I hadn't been on 48-hour call that night, if I
hadn't been so fucking tired, maybe I could've saved her. I got some
amphetamines the next day and every time I felt myself getting tired on the
job, I took a few. Wasn't much longer before I had to start taking fentanyl to
come down. Turned out I liked fentanyl a lot better...pretty soon I was taking
more of it than the pills. But I didn't care. After awhile it didn't matter if
I was up or down, all I wanted was to be numb. That way, nothing would hurt,
nothing would scare me. And I was scared, Alex, scared of everything..."
Silence fell, but only for a moment, until he felt Alex's lips brushing his
earlobe. "C'mon, finish it. Tell me the rest."
"Both my grandfathers and my father and mother were doctors, so it was always
sort of...I dunno, taken for granted that I'd be a doctor too. I can remember
sitting at the dinner table when I was ten, twelve years old discussing where
I'd go to med school, and I told myself it was what I wanted, what I was meant
to be...but when I got there, I felt like a fraud, a liar, like any second
somebody was gonna find out I'd ridden in on my family's coattails, that I
didn't deserve to be there. Guess that's when I started getting scared. Scared
I wouldn't be able to cut it. Scared of letting my mom and my dad and everybody
else who'd ever believed in me down."
"You still scared?"
"Yeah."
"Do I scare you?" Alex persisted.
"Sometimes."
"Why?"
"Because you've taken me away from...everything, from the drugs, from LA...it's
all been my security blanket, my numb little cocoon for as long as I can
remember. I'm not sure if I can live without it."
They lay there together, silent and unmoving, watching the sun slowly fade,
casting long shadows across the floor and bed. He was starting to doze off when
he felt Alex pull away, soft lips dusting his throat with a kiss, one hand
stroking his shoulder until the rest of the world finally seeped away.
It was another gorgeous day, warm, cloudless, the sea smooth as glass. It was
the kind of day he wanted to bottle, keep with him forever.
The sand squished its gritty heat between his toes as he ducked out of the
woods, heading down to where Eugene had laid out his towel, sitting down on it
to wait.
He could see him out there in the water, arms and legs slicing through the
waves with expert precision, diving and resurfacing, blowing water out through
his nose, grinning with delight. He swam like a dolphin. Just like Mulder.
He wasn't Mulder, though. He looked like him, talked like him, but Eugene was a
different man entirely, with different wants, different fears. Alex had learned
to treasure and delight in those differences, give silent, fervent thanks for
them. For the first time in months, he could breathe easy. The past was wiped
away, everything new again.
They'd been here a month now, just four short weeks, long enough for them both
to recover. Long enough for Alex to start thinking about what had to happen
next. Long enough for him not to want to think about it. A second chance,
that's what he'd told himself he wanted. And now he had it, for another few
days, anyway. He wouldn't tempt fate by asking anything more than that.
Clinging to happiness only made it slip through his fingers all the more
quickly.
After a few minutes Eugene saw him, started walking out of the waves, grinning,
naked. Gloriously naked.
They'd spent a lot of time at the beach lately, now that they were both well
enough to enjoy it. Eugene's new tan looked good on him, skin kissed light
bronze, muscles taut and toned from swimming. He looked healthy now, healthy
and happy, for the first time since they'd met.
"When'd you get here?" Eugene asked, flopping down on the towel next to him.
"Few minutes ago. How's the water?"
"Freezing. Why didn't you come in?"
"Later. I'm not in the mood yet."
"Something wrong?"
He thought about not saying anything, not telling him, but something inside
wouldn't let him. It would be a lie, and he didn't want lies between them. He'd
learned the hard way the kind of hurt that engendered.
"I, um...went out to sit in the Range Rover, listen to the news," he said
softly, staring down at his hands. "Ray and Claire are dead."
"What? How?"
"It happened last night, they said it looked like a mob hit, execution-style,
everybody in Ray's house wiped out. It was the Russians, it had to be, though
they didn't mention that on the radio."
Neither of them said anything for a long time, just sat there, staring at the
sea, at the strip of cobalt blue sky hovering above them. Alex shivered, and
told himself it was because the breeze had turned chilly.
"You can go back, you know," he said finally. "Back to LA. There's nothing to
keep you away from there now."
"No."
"Why?"
"I can't. If I do, I'll fall right back into the same vicious circle I was in
before, I'll start using again"
"I don't think you will. You went through four days of hell getting off that
stuff. I don't think you ever want to go through that again."
"Look, I'm not going back, so just drop it, okay?" he snapped.
The flat finality of that statement shocked him; he hadn't expected this kind
of reaction. He'd thought Eugene would have jumped at the chance to go home.
"Look, you're off the junk now, you can get back your license. You can be a
doctor again."
"Just because I've gotten myself clean's no guarantee they'll give my license
back. I may never get it back."
"You can't think like that. You're a surgeon. You've got a gift for saving
lives. You can't let that go to waste."
He laughed, but it sounded rueful, resigned. "You know, when I first went to
work for Raymond I knew I was stepping right into hell, but I didn't care; I
mean, I figured I'd had one foot planted there for years already, so what
difference did it make, right? Better to be a star in hell than a slave in
heaven. That's what I told myself anyway, except..." He looked up then, gazing
right at Alex, hazel eyes deep, intense. "I never really knew what heaven was,
till now."
Alex stared back, feeling as if he'd just smashed headlong into a wall. Eugene
couldn't mean what he thought he meant. He just couldn't.
"LA's not the only place I can be a doctor."
It took a second or two for that to seep in through his shock. "Wh-what d'you
mean?"
"That I'm keeping an open mind, okay? And that's all I want to say about it
right now." He lay back on the towel again, pulling Alex down beside him.
"Y'know, I think you're the one with the real gift for saving lives. You saved
mine."
Their lips touched, sweet and slow and warm as the sun bathing them; Alex could
barely breathe when they finally broke apart. "So, um...if this is heaven, are
you my slave? Or am I yours?"
"We can take turns. But for right now..." Eugene grinned, kissing him again,
"how 'bout one of your beach-blanket specials?"
The End...
|
Krycek/Other slash
NC-17 for m/m sex, and general bad language Disclaimers: Krycek belongs to CC and company, Eugene Sands belongs to the Walt Disney Company (I think.) Anyway, they're not mine. I just put them together in the same universe to see if they'd play nice together. Synopsis: Alex Krycek meets Dr. Eugene Sands. X-F/PLAYING GOD crossover. A slightly different version of this story was posted on the M/K list last year. Rewritten for reposting here. Hope y'all like it. Feedback may be addressed to: dnivling@redshift.com |
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