Phone-y Justice
by Gaby
A second later, Krycek glared at the phone with undisguised
hatred. "Stupid fucking bastard jerk," he muttered angrily,
shaking the headset as if trying to strangle it.
Mulder, curled up in the overstuffed chair in the corner,
looked up from his book and glanced at his lover over the rim
of his glasses. "Problems, Alex?" he chirped, knowing it
would only infuriate the other man but loving the way the
green eyes flashed even more intensely.
"Asshole hung up on me!" Krycek yelled, growling at the
phone. "Hey Fox, does Bonnie have a boyfriend?"
Mulder's eyebrows rose. "Bonnie Tanner? You mean the second
grade teacher? Um, no. As far as I know, she's single. Why?"
Ignoring the question, Krycek continued, "Do you have her
phone number?"
His lover frowned. "Sure. Wait a sec." Mulder stared into the
distance, going through his mental rolodex and citing the
phone number in question. Then he grinned. "What are you
doing, asking her out? You switching teams or something?"
"Asshole," Krycek replied affectionately while comparing the
number Mulder had given him to the one written on a piece of
paper in his hand. "Oh, she transposed the last two digits."
He began to dial the correct number. "Remember, she wanted to
visit the animal shelter with her class and gave me her
number so we could make some plans."
Mulder nodded, remembering. Ever since he had helped out with
the local elementary school's nativity play, directed by
Bonnie Tanner, the young woman was a family friend. She had
expressed interest in visiting the shelter with her children,
and Krycek had readily agreed, wanting to show the kids how
to act responsibly when it came to pets.
He listened with half an ear while Krycek was talking on the
phone, and then turned back to his book. He was surprised
though when he heard his lover dial a number again and then
yell into the receiver, "Stupid jerk!" Krycek hung up
immediately afterwards.
"What was that all about?" Mulder asked, confused.
"I called that idiot who hung up on me so rudely. I mean, so
I got the wrong number, big deal. Least he could've done was
say there's no Bonnie or 'sorry, wrong number, pal' but just
slamming the receiver down? What kind of asinine behavior is
that?"
"Uh-huh. And what kind of asinine behavior is calling that
man back and yelling 'stupid jerk' at him?" Mulder retorted,
chuckling.
Krycek grinned, totally unrepentant. "It made me feel
better," he announced. "And he deserved it!"
Before Mulder could comment, the sliding doors to their patio
were opened, and a sweaty and flushed Skinner in tank top and
cut-offs was entering the living room. He had been busy in
the backyard, his new hobby since his retirement, and he
looked absolutely edible. Mulder jumped up and ran over,
latching himself onto the older man and noisily licking the
salty sweat off the strong neck. Skinner, completely taken by
surprise, managed a startled grunt before Krycek threw
himself at him and began to suck the air out of his lungs.
They ended up as an even more sweaty tangle of naked limbs,
sexually sated and breathing heavily in their king sized bed
upstairs, before Skinner had uttered one tiny word. Then,
finally, he managed to groan a very satisfied and heartfelt,
"Fuck."
Krycek, good mood restored by his phone call and the vigorous
bout of sex, opened one sleepy eye and muttered, "What?
Again?"
Mulder merely turned around and took a post-coital nap.
Krycek realized that calling the rude guy and yelling "stupid
jerk" before hanging up again was a sure-fire way to lift his
mood. During the next few weeks, he used the 'jerk call' as
he called it, whenever he had a bad day. It was a lot of fun,
tormenting the other man, and he was still enough of an
amoral ratbastard to not feel bad about it.
After the first week, he had even saved the guy's number on
his speed dial. Made things easier. Much easier.
Happiness was now only a phone call away. Krycek loved it.
The front door slammed open, and a fuming Mulder stomped
inside. He threw several bags on the floor, turned around to
kick the front door close, and then stormed into the living
room, all the time muttering under his breath.
Krycek was rolling around on the floor, wrestling with Elvis
who was barking happily. The dog immediately stopped playing
with his beloved Alex and looked up when his other sub-master
entered the room though. He sensed something was wrong and
dutifully went over to offer a sympathetic ear or a soft
belly to rub. Elvis knew it helped relax his masters to
cuddle with him, and it sure as hell made him feel better!
Mulder absent-mindedly crouched down to scratch Elvis behind
the ears but didn't really seem to focus on the dog. Elvis
knew when he was dismissed and shrugged mentally. There were
a lot of bags on the floor, and they were all begging to be
inspected! Maybe there were some new squeaky chew toys in one
of them! So, abandoning his post, he walked over to one of
the bigger bags and pushed until it fell down. Then he
happily dove inside to investigate.
Krycek sat up, cross-legged, and asked, "What's up, Fox?" He
had seen his volatile lover angry more times than he cared to
remember, but this was a new level of fury.
Mulder opened and closed his mouth several times, too
agitated to form a sentence. Finally, he took a deep breath
and bit out, "I was at the mall, trying to find a place to
park. You wouldn't believe how many people there were, Alex!
It was like Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving, all rolled
into one! Anyway, so I finally spot an old lady in her Buick.
She took forever to inch out of her parking space, but I was
a good little patient boy and waited for her to get her act
together. When she was finally gone, I started to move into
the space when suddenly a red Camaro came screeching down the
aisle in the wrong direction, cutting in. The bastard stole
my parking space! I rolled down my window and yelled at him
to move his fucking car, but he just got out, smirked, gave
me the finger, and left. Cocky little bastard. Took me ages
to find a new place to park. Asshole!"
Krycek muttered "poor baby" and opened his arms invitingly.
Mulder readily crawled over and let himself be held, relaxing
for the first time in about four hours.
Both men watched Elvis' hindlegs and excitedly wagging tail
sticking out of a 'Bed, Bath and Beyond' bag. The dog didn't
seem too thrilled with the contents though, because a muffled
growl was heard. The towels in the bag obviously weren't
impressed.
Krycek chuckled at that, and even Mulder couldn't help a
small smile. Still, his male pride was bruised, and he was
feeling very resentful of the bastard who had stolen his
parking space.
"Hey, I have an idea," Krycek suddenly offered. "I could loan
you my phone jerk, if you like. Ring him, call him a bad
name, hang up. I guarantee you that you'll feel better
afterwards."
Mulder chuckled. "Nice idea, Alex, but no thanks."
"Come on, Fox!" Krycek wheedled. "I haven't called him in a
while. I'm sure he's already missing the phone calls!"
This time, Mulder couldn't help but laugh out loud. "What a
good Samaritan you are!" he exclaimed, giving his lover a
quick peck to the nearest cheek. Then he frowned. "Actually,
that Camaro asshole had a 'for sale' sign in his back
window," he said, musing.
"Really? Do you remember the phone number?" Krycek asked
excitedly.
It took a few seconds, but then a truly evil smirk slowly
spread all over Mulder's face. "You just bet I do," he said,
disentangling himself from the loving embrace and grabbing
the phone.
"What are you gonna do, Fox?" Krycek was hopping up and down,
like an excited kid right before Christmas. "Call him names?
Threaten him with bodily harm? Tell him you know people who
can make his life miserable!" He waggled his eyebrows
meaningfully.
Mulder chuckled again. "Down, boy," he ordered, smacking his
lover's butt affectionately. "No, much better. I'll find out
who he is and where he lives...think I could set the IRS on
him or something?" The truly evil smirk was back. Then he
turned around, clearing his throat, because someone had
answered the phone. "Oh, hi," Mulder said with a cheery
voice. "Are you the guy with the red Camaro for sale? Great.
Where can I see it? Corner of Elm and Walnut? Great. Yellow
house? Well, then I'm sure I can't miss it. Hmm-hmm. And
what's your name? Ken Dickson? Okay, Ken, when can I drop by
to take a look at the car? Right now? Wow, that's perfect!
Great. Yeah. Uh-huh. Sure." Mulder turned around and gave his
lover another evil smirk. Krycek smirked back, having written
down name and address as soon as Mulder had repeated them.
"Oh, one last thing, Ken...you're a stupid jerk!" And
laughing maniacally, Mulder slammed the headset down.
"Feeling better?" Krycek asked, chuckling.
"Much! You were right. This is fun!" They shared another
evil grin.
"Now watch," Krycek announced, grabbing the phone with a
flourish. "This is even better!" He hit a certain speed dial
and yelled into the receiver, "Hi, stupid jerk!" But instead
of hanging up, he waited for a reaction. After a long moment,
he grinned. "Yes, I'm still here." He hit the loud speaker
button so his lover could hear the conversation.
"Stop calling me, you asshole!" came through the speaker.
Krycek grinned. "Nope."
"What's your fucking name, asshole?"
"I'm Ken Dickson. Why do you ask?" Krycek's grin turned into
a smirk, and Mulder had to stifle a snicker when he realized
where this was going.
"Okay, listen to me, Ken asshole. You will tell me right this
fucking minute where you live!" the rude guy thundered.
Krycek rolled his eyes. As if anyone would actually be stupid
enough to give out an address after being threatened! "Corner
of Elm and Walnut. My red Camaro is parked right in front of
my yellow house. I don't understand though. Why do you ask?"
Krycek bit his lip to keep from laughing.
"Cuz I'm comin' right over to kick your sorry fucking ass,
you asshole!"
"Oh yeah, like I'm really scared now," Krycek replied, but he
realized that he was talking to a dial tone. The rude guy had
already hung up.
"You know, any compassion I had for that man has just flown
out the window on the wings of indignant righteousness,"
Mulder commented.
"Couldn't have said it better, loverboy," Krycek nodded
solemnly. Then he frowned. "What are you doing?"
Mulder smirked, dialing. "A surprise, Alex dearest. Go get
the car keys, I'll meet you out front."
Krycek was a bit confused but readily obeyed. A few seconds
later, his lover joined him in the car. "Now what?"
"Now you drive us to the corner Elm and Walnut," Mulder
replied calmly, but his eyes sparkled with mischief. "Well,
actually, you might want to keep your distance, say half a
block or so."
Krycek's eyebrows climbed very high but he didn't comment.
Instead, he made it to their destination in record time and
parked his car under a shady tree, cutting the engine. "Now
what?"
"Now we wait," Mulder announced, reclining in his seat and
fumbling for a bag of sunflower seeds. He offered them to his
lover. "Want some?"
The other man shook his head, still confused. At that moment,
a car came racing down the street and stopped with screeching
tires right in front of the yellow house with the red Camaro.
"Looks like your phone buddy just arrived," Mulder commented,
spitting out a handful of empty husks.
"And looks like your car pal just came out to say hello,"
Krycek muttered a second later while he watched a man
charging out of the house. He grabbed a handful of sunflower
seeds, eyes glued to the scene outside. A second later, both
men were in the middle of a fist fight. "Nice technique,"
Krycek commented when 'his' jerk fell the other jerk with an
upper-cut.
"Pure luck," Mulder said dismissively. "Camaro will win this
fight."
"Wanna bet?"
They grinned at each other. But before they could place their
bets, sirens could be heard coming from all sides. Krycek's
eyes went huge as he watched about a dozen police cars with
flashing lights stopping in front of the yellow house. A
police helicopter was hovering above.
"Oh, I called the cops and mentioned a gang fight was going
down at the corner of Elm and Walnut. Think I exaggerated a
little?" Mulder shot his lover an innocent look.
They had to switch places because Krycek was too busy crying
tears of laughter to drive them home safely.
A few weeks later, Skinner strode into the kitchen with their
mail. The men were enjoying a leisurely Saturday brunch,
feeding each other and generally trading soft looks, gentle
touches and tender kisses, and reading bits and pieces of
their various newspapers out loud for the others to enjoy. It
was their favorite part of the week.
"Hey, whaddya know," the big man exclaimed as he opened an
envelope. "Jury duty!"
Krycek guffawed. "Retired from the FBI but still serving," he
said. "I call that dedicated, Walter."
Skinner chuckled and slapped the back of his lover's head
affectionately. "It'll be fun," he said. "I've never done
this before."
"Well, I'm glad it's you then. I'd do anything to get out of
jury duty," Mulder commented, shuddering. "I've seen enough
court rooms in my life. Don't mind if I never see one again."
"We could play stern judge and miscreant once," Krycek piped
up hopefully, turning big eyes on Skinner. "I do miscreant
like a pro," he added for effect.
The big man suddenly needed to adjust his sweat pants. He
heard Mulder's sudden labored breathing. "Hmm...nice idea,"
he muttered, clearing his throat noisily. "I'll, uh, I'll see
what I can do."
"Great!" Krycek gave a beaming smile. "We can do that one
right after the pirate and his two cabin boys fantasy, okay?"
He stuffed half a muffin in his mouth, looking at his lovers
expectantly.
Mulder gave a needy little whine. Skinner merely growled, a
predatory gleam in his eyes.
Next thing he knew, Krycek found himself sandwiched between
his two lovers, ridden hard by Skinner and deep throating
Mulder. He grinned inwardly.
They really were so easy sometimes.
"You know, somehow I miss calling the rude jerk," Krycek
mused one evening, snuggled up to Mulder on the couch. "I
admit, it was rather tiresome at the end, almost like an
obligation, but still, he did make me feel better when I had
a crappy day."
"I can always make you feel better," Mulder argued, leaning
over to thoroughly kiss his lover. Krycek purred. "And
besides, you do realize Walter's going to skin us alive if he
ever finds out what we did, don't you?"
"Yeah, but why should he?"
"Well, he's Walter! He always does!"
Krycek chuckled and wanted to reassure his lover but kept his
mouth shut when he heard the key in their front door.
"Hey boys," Skinner greeted his lovers, walking over with a
smile and receiving a welcome home kiss from both of them.
Then he squatted down to greet Elvis who was beside himself
with happiness, now that his master-master was finally there
to scratch him behind the ears just so.
"So, how was jury duty?" Mulder asked, smiling. He still
couldn't believe that the big man enjoyed himself. Skinner
hadn't been allowed to talk during the trial - and good
citizen that he was, he hadn't - but the verdict had been
announced today.
"Well, guilty as hell," Skinner said, throwing himself into
his favorite chair and propping his feet up on the coffee
table. "You won't believe the nerve of some people! Okay, get
this. There were these two guys charged with disorderly
conduct because they had a fist fight in the middle of the
street. When asked what had caused the fight, they came up
with the stupidest cock-and-bull story I have ever heard. And
that's saying something, considering some of the reports Fox
filed in his days." Skinner grinned.
"Hardy har har," Mulder mock-growled. Then he made an
impatient hand motion. "Go on!" Krycek nodded eagerly.
"Well, they were talking about strange phone calls and being
harassed, but then said there must have been a third party
behind all this because they never called each other. They
said they were pawns in a cruel game of some sadistic
mastermind." Skinner shook his head.
Mulder and Krycek bit their lips to keep from laughing
hysterically. This was just too weird! "And what do you
think, Walter?" Mulder pressed out, desperately trying to
keep a straight face.
"Me? I think they were a couple of stupid jerks!"
Skinner never found out why his lovers fell off the couch,
laughing hysterically.
THE END.
he male voice answering the phone confused him for a second,
but then his patented Krycek charm kicked in and he replied,
"Hello, this is Alex. I'd like to talk to Bonnie Tanner,
please?"
