by Raven
he look on Walter's face was priceless. Shock, dismay and
embarrassment all warred for top billing, with shock
winning out easily. Mulder's laughter only made things
worse.
"Well, Walter? Is it true?"
Walter's mouth opened and closed, then opened and closed again, but at last he simply nodded, still surprised speechless by the fact that the answer was yes.
Mulder, having gained a modicum of control, promptly lost it again. His laughter was stopped cold by Alex's voice, and everything in it. It was just one word, softly spoken, yet it cut through everything.
"No."
Mulder and Walter both turned to look at him. Since he'd become their lover, they'd seen him angry, frightened and worried. They'd seen him happy, sad and indignant. He'd been both naive and incredibly world-weary. But they'd never heard him sound so frighteningly cold and desolate as he had just then. Looking at him made them both shudder. Their warm, gentle lover was gone. Standing in the doorway was a man that suddenly looked like a stranger to both of them. It was shades of the old Alex, and both Mulder and Skinner felt a chill on their soul.
As if sensing this, as though he'd seen himself in their eyes, Alex closed his eyes, using the pain of their reactions to try and chip through the ice that had encased his heart at hearing Walter's confession.
It had started out innocently enough. Walter had gone to Kersh's office on yet another trumped-up charge designed to let Kersh abuse him. While waiting for the man, Skinner had noticed that the file drawer was open, and his eyes had caught Alex's name.
All of Walter's protective instincts came on line. He'd not even debated, had simply pulled the file. A quick scan was all he had time for, so he'd hidden the papers in his briefcase and taken them with him when he'd left. In his own office, a more thorough look had assured him that the file was full of illegally gathered evidence for various crimes and a serious threat to his lover. He made a copy of all the sources, then destroyed it.
He'd shredded it without thinking twice, personally sent the strips to the incinerator. When he got back, Kersh was waiting for him. He was accused and threatened, but Skinner only denied everything. Since Kersh couldn't admit to the existence of the file, he could only refer to the incident in vague terms, vague enough that Skinner could easily lie his way out of it. And he had.
It was only when he got home and told Mulder about it that he'd begun to realize what he done.
"You're telling me that you, Walter Skinner, A.D. for the F.B.I., went into another A.D.'s desk without permission, stole a file containing evidence pursuant to several federal investigations and then used federal resources and time to destroy said file and all the evidence within it, before covering-up the theft and destruction by lying to your superior?" Mulder's tone held amused disbelief, and as the rational part of Walter's brain began to function again, the older man was overwhelmed at the enormity of his crimes.
Neither of them had noticed Alex's presence in the doorway, waiting with a pounding heart for Walter to deny everything.
And now, as his lovers stared at him, Alex fought the darkness that threatened to take him over, trying desperately to staunch it like the deep wound it was.
"Alex?" Walter's voice came to him, but he couldn't look up yet, couldn't let them see.
"Alex, are you okay?" Mulder's voice was full of worry, and Alex longed to reassure him, but didn't dare speak.
"Talk to me, Alex." Walter's voice had taken on a pleading tone, but Alex only shook his head, needing them to leave him alone.
When he felt a gentle touch on his arm, he couldn't control it any longer. He had to choose between the cold and the anger, everything else beyond him.
Opening his eyes, he saw Walter, and the anger took over. He grabbed Walter's shoulders in his hands, and began shaking the bigger man hard, all but screaming his rage.
"No! Dammit, Walter, don't you see what you've done, what's happened? How could you, Walter? How could you?" He was furious, and it was a minute before Mulder's words reached him.
"Alex, your hand! Alex, let go of him, you're hurting him! Alex, stop, your hand!"
Alex's confusion cleared as he looked at Walter's right shoulder where his artificial hand was digging viciously into the muscle. Horrified, he let go, his face showing his anguish. With a choked sob, he turned, running out the door.
He ran for three days. He left messages with Kim's voice- mail to let Skinner and Mulder know he was okay, but that was it. The third day, Kim's voice-mail had a new message.
"I don't know and I don't care. But he looks bad."
Softly, Alex stated that he would see them at home at seven.
Alex found them both waiting for him in the living room. They were sitting on the couch, and Mulder was holding Walter's hands, obviously giving support. Walter needed it.
Kim had been right, he looked bad. It had only been a few days, but it was apparent that Walter hadn't been sleeping. Or eating. He looked haggard and worn, and Alex swore mentally, but knew he'd been right to leave.
"Alex." Walter's voice broke as he said it, and the hands holding Mulder's tightened.
"Oh, Walter." Alex breathed it out, then moved to his distraught lover, taking him into his arms. Walter clung, crying and shaking. Mulder's face was wet with tears as well, and he didn't look much better than Walter. He was holding onto both of them, and it was several minutes before they'd calmed enough to talk, or at least, to listen to Alex.
"I'm sorry I left, but I honestly felt that I had no choice. I'll explain everything, as best I can, but you'll have to be patient with me, and let me do it my way. Don't interrupt, don't argue, don't say a word, or I'll leave again and we'll try it another time, is that understood?"
Skinner and Mulder shared a worried look, but he felt them nod against his chest.
"Good. First of all, you have to know, I didn't run away because of you. I ran away because of me. I love you both, that hasn't changed, nothing could change that. In fact, that's the real reason I left, because I love you so much." He took a deep breath, and eased them back, standing up so that he could pace.
"Walter, I've always respected you. Even when we were enemies, I respected the man you were, what you stood for. When I was an agent under your charge, I used to wish so much that I could be like you. I know you're no saint, trust me. I literally know everything you've ever done and most of the reasons why."
He paused, facing the couch for a moment, looking into the dark brown eyes.
"You didn't always do the right thing, Walter, but you always acted for the right reasons. It was never as simple as saving your own ass, never. It wasn't enough for you to save someone else, either, you always weighed the cost, saw the big picture. Until now. Until me."
Turning, he resumed his slow pacing, just a few steps in either direction. Mulder was looking at the ground, Walter's eyes were glued to Alex, hanging on his every word.
"When we first became lovers, my biggest fear was that I would change you. That you wouldn't be able to love me, without changing who and what you were. I didn't care about changing, I wanted to change, to be what you and Mulder seemed to think I could be. But I was terrified that even if I didn't do something myself, I'd ruin you, just by my presence. You're a good man that learned to do bad things. I'm a bad guy that's learning to do good. You know what they say, one rotten apple spoils the whole barrel. I'm rotten to the core, Walter, as bad as you guys are good."
Mulder's mouth opened, but Walter put his hand over it firmly, until Mulder nodded.
"Walter, when I heard what you'd done, I knew I'd been right. I'd soiled you, tainted you. You didn't even stop to consider if what you were doing was right or for the greater good. You just did what you had to do to save my ass." Alex's mouth quirked just a bit, the merest hint of a smile flickering, then dying.
"No one's ever loved me like that before, Walter. No one. I can't thank you enough for that, even though it breaks my heart that you did. I will, forever, be grateful and beholden to you."
The emerald eyes bored into Walter's soul as he said it, wanting to be absolutely certain Walter understood. Skinner nodded, and Alex continued.
"Anyway, when I heard your confession, I knew I'd been right. You can't help it, you love me and so you're willing to sacrifice it all for me. But I wasn't willing. I was furious that you would do that, for me, when I know I'm not worth it. You should have told me about the file, Walter, should have let me handle it. I'm already dirty, Walter, I'm already guilty, there would have been no cost to my soul. I could have taken care of everything, and you'd have still been clean, innocent. And I would have still had hope." He broke off, took a deep breath, and sat down in a chair facing the couch.
"Walter, I was furious at what you did, because of what it did to you, what I was afraid it would take away from me. You've seen me angry, but you've never seen me furious, with good reason. When Mulder's furious, he sprays it like water. He rants and throws things and lashes out at everyone and everything around him, but it's mostly harmless. When you're furious, you strike out at the one thing that's made you that way, nothing else, and you strike until it's resolved, one way or another. But I don't do either. That's not how I was trained to act."
He paused again, swallowing hard before continuing.
"I get cold. I get dead inside, so I can stay alive outside. I do it because that's the only safe reaction, the only way for me to be safe. But I was furious with you, and that was different. I knew it would hurt you if I cut myself off from you. I didn't want to be cold with you. I didn't want to hurt you, so I tried to be furious, to let it happen. And I hurt you anyway. I'll bet the bruises are still visible, aren't they?"
Skinner didn't answer, but Mulder rolled Skinner's sleeve up, revealing the fingerprints from the crushing force of Alex's prosthetic grip.
Alex stared at them, the visible expression of what he'd been trying to say, proof of everything he was afraid of, a literal translation of his words.
"I left before I did more. Before I did worse. See, it's not safe for me to be that angry unless I'm cold. And I can't be cold with you, Walter, so I'm not safe around you. I love you, Walter, but I'm afraid for you. I'm afraid to be with you anymore."
Tears were streaming down Walter's face, down Mulder's face. Mulder had the knuckles of his right hand pressed firmly between his teeth, and Skinner's jaws were locked tight with the effort of keeping quiet.
"That's it, guys. That's my reasoning, my explanation. You can talk now."
"You're right, Alex." Mulder looked at him, stunned at Walter's first choice of words. He expected Walter to deny most of what Alex had said, to tell him how wrong he was about it all. A glance at Alex showed that he had relaxed, visibly, at Walter's words.
"Thank god, you were listening." Alex muttered it, running a shaking hand through his hair. Walter sniffled, cleared his throat, and spoke again.
"Alex, I have an idea, but first I have to know. If we can agree on a way for you to be angry and still be safe, will you stay?"
It was the longest, most dreadful pause Mulder had ever waited through, and it took all his willpower to keep his mouth shut. He knew this had to be between Walter and Alex, despite the fact that all three men were in love and involved. They were the alphas, and though it had taken some time for Mulder to be able to accept that, he had. It had helped when Alex assured him that while not an alpha, he was a new ranking - equal, if different - and that was why the rules didn't apply to him.
The memory made him smile, and a sharp pang went through him as he realized that they were in danger of losing Alex forever. He prayed to everything he'd ever heard of while he waited, and his grip on Walter's hands tightened until it should have been painful, but neither of them were even aware of it.
At last, after what seemed an eternity, Alex raised his head.
"If we can find a way, and if we can address all my other concerns to my satisfaction, then yes, I'll stay."
Mulder thought he'd pass out as he released the breath he'd held almost too long. Walter sagged beside him, and Alex looked wary. But the emerald eyes had a flicker of hope in them, and Mulder thought it just might be enough.
Walter held his hand out for Alex, the three of them coming together in a much needed embrace. No one spoke, they simply held, scared and unsure, but determined.
It took most of the weekend. It was the hardest thing they'd ever had to do, in their entire marriage. It brought out more demons than a Crowely book, and enough tears to last a lifetime, but they worked at it until they were all agreed. By Saturday night, even Alex was satisfied and relaxed.
Sunday they devoted to making love. Not just sex, though they'd all missed the physical intimacy, the emotional connection that came through giving themselves to each other. They made love with everything they did, devoting themselves to each other, re-affirming their relationship with every word, every gesture.
Monday night, Walter stood outside the study door. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes briefly, before opening the door. Alex was inside, behind the desk. Mulder was seated a few feet behind him.
"Sir, I have a confession to make." Skinner repeated everything he'd said to Mulder, being careful not to gloss over or leave anything out. He told the whole thing again, and this time Mulder didn't crack a smile. Neither did Alex.
"Do you understand why what you did was wrong?" Alex's voice was troubled, but warm and patient.
"Yes, sir." Skinner explained why, and Alex nodded, eyes almost closed.
"And what should you have done?" Skinner replied, outlining the steps he could have taken, the options he'd ignored. Skinner wasn't really looking at Alex, his eyes focused around the level of Alex's top button instead, and he was standing at parade rest. He dreaded what was coming next, but it had been his idea.
"Correct. The only thing left is punishment. Not for revenge, or to be cruel, but to help you remember. Pain, so the lesson isn't easily lost. Do you agree?"
"Yes, sir." Skinner noticed Mulder make a couple of slow, almost silent moves, as Alex came around the desk. Alex put a hand on Walter's face, and pressed a kiss to the firmly set mouth before stepping back just a bit.
"Drop your pants."
"Yes, sir." Skinner did so, noticing out of the corner of his eye that Alex had picked up a crop from the side of the desk. He swallowed hard, but said nothing.
"Over."
"Yes, sir." Skinner leaned across, locking his grip on the sides. He kept his eyes open but deliberately didn't look at Mulder, not daring to distract him.
"Six, Walter. Doubled everytime we have to repeat a lesson, is that understood?"
"Understood, sir."
"Then let's finish this." So saying, he drew back, snapping the crop down sharply. It left a clean, perfectly level welt. Walter inhaled deeply through his nose, clenching his teeth through the exhale. Five more, equally precise landed and while he didn't say a word or budge an inch, it took all his will not to do so. But then it was done, and Alex had thrown the crop on the floor.
Alex gently eased the sweatpants up, then helped Walter to stand.
"Don't do it again, Walter."
Not trusting his voice, Walter could only shake his head.
"Then we're done." As soon as he said it, his calm facade disappeared, and Alex's face showed the strain of what he'd just done. He reached for Walter, and they held to each other desperately, reassuring each other.
"Is it safe, Alex?" Mulder's voice was still tense, and Alex turned gratefully to him.
"Yes. It's alright now."
Thankfully, Mulder put down the taser he'd been aiming at Alex, and moved to join his lovers. He needed reassuring almost as much as they had, and Mulder accepted the hugs gratefully.
It had not been an easy solution. Walter had suggested that Alex assign himself a role for punishing, knowing that would focus the rage, without letting him go cold. Alex agreed, but the problem had been what role to take. There was no father figure in Alex's tortured past, none that would provide a good model.
At last, Mulder asked him if there had ever been a time when he'd felt loved, or at least, given affection, while being punished. He'd recalled a Master that he'd been loaned to for a few months, a payment for services rendered to the Consortium. The man had been stern and strict, but fair, a rarity in Alex's experience. He'd been genuinely fond of Alex, had tried to buy him when his time was up, and Alex would have gone willingly, but he'd not been for sale.
He remembered that when this Master had whipped him, there hadn't been anger or malicious glee. There had been a strong sense of it being for his own good, that he wanted to help Alex be better, nothing more. He'd dreaded the punishments but had never feared them, knowing he was still cared for. It was the best role he had, and so they'd gone with it.
It was the reason for the formal phrasing and setting, why Alex whipped him with a crop, although for less serious offenses, he'd often been spanked instead. Walter had agreed that this warranted a severe punishment, but he was relieved that it would be just Alex's hand usually.
Mulder had been back-up, a safety net for both men. If Alex lost control, Mulder would zap him, and save Walter. Walter didn't have to worry about Alex going too far, and more importantly, Alex didn't have to fear it. He'd wanted Mulder to use a gun, but Mulder had flat out refused, citing the things that could go wrong. A taser was seen as an acceptable compromise by both men.
And now, Walter eased back from his first punishment at the hands of his lover, and asked quietly, "Alex? Are you satisfied? Will you stay?"
"For as long as you want me." It was a promise, and kisses mixed with tears, sealing the pact.
THE END.
