by Ursula
Grimacing at the stack of work left on his desk, Walter opened his door and
stepped out. Vertigo hit him as he realized that he teetered on the edge of a
black hole. As he started to back into his office, Walter's ankle was caught by
an elegant hand and he was falling... falling...
Falling...
A thump and Walter realized that he must have drifted off to sleep his office.
He was ensconced in a comfortable chair in front of a scarred desk. A moment
later, he realized that, if that was so, he was still dreaming. He was wearing a
suit jacket, a battered, nearly shapeless fedora, and black leather pants.
Instead of a shirt, he wore a complex arrangement of harness and studs. His
office was considerably altered. His desk looked as if it had been serving since
the fifties. There were generations of scars and stains. Notably, a bullet was
embedded deep in the wood. His walls held various pictures of him with cartoon
characters. Testimonials covered the remaining space. Walter pushed away from
his desk and went over to try to decipher where he might be.
A private detective license hung on the wall. It was issued to Walter Sergei
Skinner. Him.
Shit.
Investigating further, Walter found a door, which opened into living quarters
with a huge unmade bed, a battered dresser, a bookcase, a small TV, a tiny
fridge, and a hot plate. A few dishes stood on a shelf. Another door led to a
cramped bathroom. Not much of a life he decided, but the books were the same
ones he cherished at home. The booze was reasonably good Scotch. The fridge held
a few of his favorite items. He had to conclude that someone had competently
researched his life before setting up this little play.
Hearing a bell ring, Walter hurried back into the office just in time to see
Mulder enter. He crossed the floor to his former subordinate and grabbed his
shoulder. "Mulder, they got you too!"
"What? Mr. Skinner, I came here to get your help," Mulder said. His soulful,
hazel eyes gazed deeply into Walter's. His lips were shiny, as if glazed with
sugar and as tempting to lick. He was clad in an expensive suit.
"How did they get you?" Walter asked.
"Who?" Mulder said, "Look, don't play games with me. I came here to get your
help. Look..."
Mulder opened the briefcase he had been carrying. Out tumbled pictures of
Krycek...Krycek clad in a spangled g-string and nothing more. "This is my
partner, Alex Krycek. He's an entertainer at the Slash and Burn club on the edge
of Toontown. I've told him a dozen times that he's a star now and there's no
need to expose himself like that, but he just won't stop. I'm sure that's where
the trouble started."
"Your partner? That low life rat, Krycek?" Walter growled. He crumpled the
handful of pictures and shoved the briefcase back toward Mulder. "Scully's your
partner! Was, anyway."
"Dana Scully? The cop? Now, I'll admit that she's a good technical advisor, but
she's not my type!" Mulder said. He sniffed and dried his eyes on his sleeve as
he tried to straighten out the pictures.
"Technical advisor? For whom do you work?" Walter demanded.
"Come on, you must be joking! Fox and Rat is the most highly rated show on the
charts! The only people who don't watch it are toon-phobic! It has something for
everyone!" Mulder said, his face both puzzled and insulted.
Walter sat down behind the strange desk and his gaze studied the walls. Toons?
That made a certain twisted sense. He said, "Sorry about the pictures. Why don't
you tell me about the case."
"All right, someone has been stalking Alex, taking pictures of him, leaving
notes, threatening to expose him as a Toon," Mulder said.
"A Toon as in cartoon?" Walter asked.
"Of course," Mulder said. "they're trying to ruin our lives and I think I know
why. It's the purists. They think if they can prove that I'm in love with a Toon
that it will explain my involvement in the Toon rights movement."
Walter held back any comment. He said, "So has there been a blackmail attempt?"
"Yes, we had a note saying that if I didn't back out of the campaign that my
lover would be exposed as a Toon. You know what that would mean..." Mulder said
with a shudder.
"Humor me. What would that mean?" Walter demanded.
"That he would be deported to Toontown to separate, but equal, accommodations.
Our nuptial agreement would be void," Mulder said with indignation.
"Is Alex Krycek a Toon?" Walter asked.
"Of course not, he's as human as you or I," Mulder shot back. "Now, will you
take the case?"
Before Walter could regret it, he said, "Yes."
The charming smile that lit Mulder's face was almost worth the confusion that
Walter felt. In any event, as he did not know the way home, he might as well as
have a reason for poking about and asking questions.
It appeared that he didn't have a secretary...no surprise considering the
impoverished surroundings. He also did not have a computer or Internet
connection. However, there was a phone book. Walter looked up the address of the
library and was somewhat surprised to find only books. There were no computers,
no media sections, just a sea of books.
What fascinated Walter were the other differences...
There was no mention of HIV. The World Trade Buildings were intact. The Titanic
had sailed into port harmlessly. Adolph Hitler had found a successful career as
a mystic and artist. World War Two and the holocaust had never happened.
Gay marriages were commonplace. As far as Walter could tell, incidents of racial
or religious intolerance were so rare as to be almost unknown.
However, it was not a perfect world. It had second class citizens...the Toons.
They were, as Walter suspected, "Animated Citizens", life-sized three
dimensional cartoon characters who lived in ghettos in many of the larger
cities.
Walter dropped a book and cringed as a stern librarian frowned at him. He had
already noticed another fact about this odd world. Discipline of adults was as
common as trash in this world. A pencil tapper was even now getting his ass
thoroughly whacked in a sound-proof booth in the middle of the main reading
room. The last thing Walter wanted was to be the next customer. He carefully put
the book on the cart to be shelved.
The periodical section held a plethora of references to Mulder and Krycek's Rat
and Fox show. It seemed to be a popular spy show. Mulder played the hero, a FBI
agent, and Krycek played the villain. No one seemed to think it odd that the
co-stars had fallen in love and married. The ceremony had been elaborate, ending
in a vows being taken in the midst of a skydive accompanied by Mulder's dog and
Krycek's cat. Even the most serious magazines covered the wedding.
No wonder, Walter found himself subjected to such heavy breathing that he again
attracted the attention of the librarian. He copied the articles including the
near nude honeymoon pictures for later...study.
The Slash and Burn club was a shady nightclub on the wrong side of the tracks.
It was right on the edge of Toontown, a popular place for both the jaded and the
wide-eyed tourists who had never seen a real live Toon.
More than one patron bore suspicious ink stains on their hands or lips. Walter
suspected that some of the scantily-clad Toons were providing services that
weren't listed on the menu. He found a table at the edge of the stage.
The waitpersons were all Toons, notable for their frequent clumsiness and for
the ability to carry their own height in stacks of dirty dishes across a crowded
room until the most comedic moment...whereupon they lost them in spectacular
accidents. Teetering back and forth, Beaker, who technically was a Puppet rather
than a Toon, swayed back and forth, whimpering as he tried to keep under the
enormous pile of plates he carried. Of course, just as a well dressed couple
strode by, all of the dishes clattered down. Walter ignored the furor to
concentrate on the placard on the stage. It sure as hell looked like Krycek.
Seductive music trailed from the stage. A naked male leg, smooth shaven and clad
in black nylon, snaked out from behind the curtain. Walter's hands knotted into
fists as his arch enemy appeared and husked out a seductive song. Damn him!
Walter forgot about the past...that wasn't this world after all. He wanted to
jump on that stage and wrestle the man out of the green gauze veils and paste-
jeweled garter.
Shortly, Walter was glad of his self restraint. A man who climbed on the stage
ended ass up over the knee of a hippo that Walter recognized from Disney's
Fantasia. The hippo's hand punished the squirming customer as floods of 'ouch'
symbols escaped in the air.
A nudge at his side distracted him from the spanking. He blinked at Betty Boop
and said, "I know you."
"A girl's got to make a living. It's not my fault that the Boop franchise ran
the course. Just because I'm black and white, doesn't mean I don't still have
it. I'm going to make a comeback as soon as I can afford to be colorized, but,
hey big boy, want a date? I can make it so three dimensional for you..." Betty
whispered.
"No, no thanks," Walter said. He glanced back at the stage as Krycek resumed his
sultry strut.
"He your type? Well, don't let that human skin fool you. Rumor's all over that
the man is a Toon. He'll get his come down just as I did," Betty Boop said
before sidling off to a table of sailors.
Walter watched Betty vamp the sailors who were obviously feeling very potent
after partaking of whatever substance Popeye was selling in plastic bags. He
shook his head. Obviously this wasn't a perfect world either. Poor Betty.
As Walter listened, a raucous voice said, "You hear about Minnie Mouse? She's
gone crazy."
Another one corrected, "No, that's not right. The rumor is that she's fucking
Goofy."
Mickey Mouse exploded out of nowhere, hurling imprecations in his high pitched
voice as he laid into the rowdies with an old fashioned broom.
In the chaos of the bar brawl, Walter managed to get to the stairs before Krycek
could leave. He flashed his detective license as Krycek's eyes flickered up and
down his body, seemingly approving his dress code.
"Your lover hired me," Walter said.
Green eyes darkened as Krycek snarled, "I told him we could handle it on our
own. I know who's behind it...CSM Spender, the movie mogul. Just because Mulder
and I refused to play footsie with him."
"Spender? An older man with pale blue eyes and a bad smoking habit?" Walter
asked.
"The same. You know him?" Krycek asked.
"Someone like him," Walter admitted.
"Let's go to my dressing room and talk," Krycek said.
"Excuse me, these nylons are too expensive to risk a run. Let me get into
something more comfortable," Krycek said.
Putting one of his elegant feet on a chair, Krycek smoothed the translucent
fabric off his lovely leg. Those legs were just made to be wrapped around a
guy's neck. Someone such as Walter for instance. Sweat beaded on Walter's
forehead as he reminded himself that this was just a job. (But not my job, his
deviant conscience said.)
"Tell me more about CSM Spender..." Walter asked.
"I used to work for him," Alex said. "I wasn't always a TV star. Spender made
his fortune in supplying pretty escorts to the right people and taking pictures.
Then he moved into the porn business and finally he crossed over into legitimate
film making. When he was casting Fox and Rat, he thought he'd save money by
casting me. Mulder had already had a gig as a cop in a prime time series so he
was the name draw."
"So how in the hell can he get off threatening to expose you as a Toon? It's
obvious that you're not," Walter said.
"Ah, but there's my unfortunate past. You see I was left in Toontown as an
infant. I was adopted by film stars, Roger and Jessica Rabbit, until public
outcry caused the authorities to have me taken away. Spender adopted me and life
went to hell after that. The closest thing I have to a birth certificate is the
one that Toontown drew up for Jessica and Roger. So, Spender thinks he can use
it to prove I'm a Toon," Alex said.
Batting ridiculously long eyelashes, Krycek said, "He made me the way I am. I
know I'm not good enough for Mulder, but I love him."
"You're not bad; he just drew you that way?" Walter asked with a smile quirking
at his lips.
"Yes, how did you know? My mother always used to say that!" Alex said.
"Lucky guess," Walter said, not wanting to admit that 'his' Mulder had dragged
him out to see "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" three times. He wouldn't have gone, but
he kept hoping that Mulder would make the first move.
Alex added, "The other thing she used to say, about the time she figured out
that I was going to be gay, was, 'Alex, even if you find a guy who is a little
strange, if he's the kind of man that REALLY needs to wear pants, grab him and
keep him.' I liked my Mom's advice a lot and you can bet I remembered that the
first time I saw Mulder in his Speedo."
"I'll see what I can do," Walter said, patting Alex's slender hand.
"Thank you," Alex said, green eyes looking trustfully at him. His hand covered
Walter's and stroked gently.
Shit, this was great! If the other Walter Skinner returned to his life, he
wouldn't be pleased to find out that his replacement had tried to seduce his
clients! Walter unsteadily withdrew his hand and said, "Be careful, Krycek, if
Spender is anything like the man I knew, you could be in serious danger."
The next stop was Spender's Hollywood office. Hiding his jacket in a paper
grocery bag, Walter flexed his biceps and adjusted his package. Krycek's mention
of porn movies had given him the idea. He would just claim to be an extra for a
BDSM thing.
The guard eyed him with approval and said, "Madame X's House of Joy?"
"Yes," Walter said.
"Stage five, you can't miss it. Just follow the chain," the guard said.
"Thanks," Walter said.
Once inside, Walter put his jacket back on and hunted for Spender. As it turned
out, it was not hard to find him. The man was being carried out on a stretcher.
"Is he dead?" Walter asked.
The policeman, perhaps responding to his authoritative voice, said, "No, but
he's been shot. We just put out an all points bulletin on Fox Mulder. See we
found these pictures...but why am I telling you this? Just because you have big
brown eyes and look like a great top?"
A Toon file-cart trotted by and ran straight into the uniformed cop. The man's
legs flew out from under him and the pictures went flying everywhere. Walter
helped the man up and gathered the pictures. They were of Alex Krycek and he
certainly was playing footsie with a cop that Walter recognized as Detective Jim
Ellison of Cascade.
Walter winced. Of course, playing footsie in Toontown meant really playing
footsie. A naked Alex Krycek was clearly performing 'this little piggy' upon Jim
Ellison's flat foot.
"What makes you sure that Mulder shot the man?" Walter asked.
"His name was written all over the case," the cop said. He held up a brief case,
thoroughly doodled with Mulder's name. "And we have his fingerprints."
Surely enough, inky animated whorls were being carted off in a contraption of
glass and wood. One of them yelled at Walter..."We were framed. Framed, I tell
you..."
Mulder seemed as if he might be the jealous type. Walter shook his head. One
thing Krycek had in common in both worlds was that he brought Mulder nothing but
trouble. Both of them needed a firm hand...a hand such as...Walter studied his
own callused and capable extremities.
Back at 'his' office, Walter wondered what had drawn him to this world? He
certainly hadn't done Mulder any good up to now. A sad sob came from behind the
door that led to the bed sitting room. He walked in and found Mulder sprawled on
his bed in a rumpled Armani suit. He was weeping into the pillow with a cloud of
xanth-colored birds cheeping sadly above his head. A pathetic bunny patted his
head. A sad tune came from the cartoon orchestra in the corner.
"Mulder, what in hell are you doing here?" Walter grumbled.
"I didn't know where else to go," Mulder said, lifting his teary eyes to Walter.
"The cops were after me for shooting Spender."
"Did you?" Walter asked. He sat down on the bed and Mulder moved into his arms.
It seemed the right thing to do to smooth back the soft untidy hair. Mulder
pushed back at him, cat-like.
"I thought about it after I saw the pictures of Alex playing footsie with that
hyper-vigilant nobody from Cascade, but I didn't do it. I knew Spender probably
forced Alex to do it!" Mulder said.
"Right," Walter said.
"I know you think he's easy. Hey, maybe he is, but I like him that way," Mulder
said. "Spender has his parents, Roger and Jessica Rabbit. He probably told Alex
he would put them in the dip if he didn't go along with it."
A pounding at the door interrupted their conversation. Walter said, "That might
be the cops. You should turn yourself in while I work the case."
"No, you don't understand. Spender has his paws everywhere. I'll never get out
of jail alive," Mulder said, eyes widening in fear.
"Look, Mulder, conspiracy theory and all, I think you should take your chances,"
Walter said.
To his surprise, the cops were accompanied by a warren of weasels. All of them
bore a suspicious resemblance to Luis Cardinale. They swarmed all over his
office and one of them burst into the bed sitting room, shooting wildly, hitting
innocent by-standing Toons. They really were a lot like Cardinale!
"Mulder," Walter yelled, pushing aside the pile of weasels. He saw the scatter
of bullet holes surrounding a man-shaped silhouette on the wall. It was the
clear outline of a wildly fleeing man.
"Mulder," he said, sitting on the bed.
The weasels pointed to the hole and said, "He opened a Loony-hole. He's
escaped."
The cops and weasels all nodded to each other and left. Walter shook his head
and groaned. Mulder...
As Walter was about to go looking, a hand caught his ankle. Mulder came up from
under the bed. "It worked," he said.
Walter said, "I thought you left...the silhouette?"
"Paint," explained Mulder, showing a spray paint can. "I fooled them."
"Just about gave me a heart attack," said Walter.
Instinct led him to haul Mulder over his lap, pull down the rumpled trousers and
paddle the golden ass until each cheek was the color of a ripe peach. Sobs
greeted his efforts and then Mulder was kissing him. They fell back on the bed
and clothing flew all over the room. Cartoon birds discreetly hid their eyes as
they drew a hazy backdrop closed on the scene.
A length of time later, Mulder's hands parted the PG screen and looked about the
room. "Wow, that was good."
"It was," Walter said guiltily.
"You'll never get those fireworks scorch marks off your walls..." Mulder said.
Damn, he was right. The romantic fireworks had burnt pornographic pictures on
the wall!
"What about Alex?" Walter asked.
"Threesome," Mulder said. "I know he likes you."
"But first we have to solve this crime," Walter said.
"What can Spender's motive be?" Walter wondered. "Mulder you're a profiler or
you were in my world. Think about it."
"I know it has something to do with the Toon rights crusade. He threatened to
have me replaced on the show with some silver metal guy, but the fans stormed
the studio and threatened to lynch them," Mulder mused.
"Why would he risk a big money-maker to stop what is bound to happen?" Walter
said. "Why would he hate Toons so much?"
"I don't know. He has no problem with hiring Toons although he hates to meet
with them personally," Mulder said.
"I think we should get Alex and rescue Roger and Jessica Rabbit. Perhaps they
are more than just hostages. They might know something," Walter said.
Alex was slinking around in the alley outside Spender's studio. Mulder and he
reunited with kisses searing enough to generate a flock of bluebirds of
happiness and falling blossoms.
After Walter batted away the birds, the flowers, and the bees that were trying
to get the action upped to an X rating, he said, "We have to break into
Spender's studio. Do either of you have keys?"
"No," Mulder said, "he keeps them all to himself."
"I have a skeleton key," Alex said. He pulled an assemblage of bones out of his
pocket.
The bones shook themselves out, singing "Dem bones, dem bones gonna walk around.
Hear da word of da lord."
"Unlock the door, bones," Alex bade.
The skeleton inserted its fingers in the lock and tumblers clicked into place.
They were in.
Spender's office seemed the right place to look. It was heavily guarded by a
pack of animated cigarettes, puffing noxious fumes into the room. Walter coughed
and had to back away but Mulder pulled out something and said, "I can take care
of them! I have the patch and the Surgeon General!"
"No"
"Not that."
"Filter me, we're smoked" said the leader of the pack.
"I'm Morley-deficient," moaned the dying animated cigarette.
"I guess they know now that they're a joke...the butts of a joke," Mulder said
gleefully.
"Let's check for a oubliette," Alex suggested. "Spender is the pits."
Quickly the three men pulled up the carpet. Mulder was very good at this as he
lacked tact.
"I found something. The floor is hollow here," Mulder said, stamping his foot.
"But I can't find a way in."
Beatles' music sounded, 'Fixing a hole in the roof. Nowhere man'.
"I've got a hole in me pocket," Alex said in the voice of Ringo Starr. He
whipped it out and laid it on the floor.
A deep, dark hole opened and from within, Roger Rabbit's voice said, "Son, save
us. Throw us a former."
"A former?" Walter inquired.
"It's okay. Dad is a little befuddled. He means a ladder," Alex said.
"Fortunately, Scully gave me an Acme product of the month gift last Christmas
and I have this."
Throwing down a capsule, a magically past-tense ladder appeared in the hole.
Roger and Jessica climbed up. "Son, you saved us!"
"Not so soon," Spender's voice said. "Get them, boys"
Every evil cartoon character thronged behind the man. Bluto, Sea Hag, Snidely
Whiplash, The Blue Meanies, Boris and Natasha, the Evil Step-mother from Snow
White...
It was a fight to the death. Walter found himself fighting an entire pack of
weasels. As he feinted back, he slipped on a banana peel and made a prat-fall.
To his surprise, the front-most weasel dropped, laughing until his little
weasel-spirit ascended to cartoon heaven. Quickly, Walter tried barely
remembered comic songs, all of the 'why did the chicken cross the road jokes',
and finally, the ultimate joke, the idea of the X-Files without Mulder and
Krycek. The weasels died happily.
Somersaulting across the room, Walter crashed into an umbrella stand. His hand
closed on something. A huge pencil? He had an idea and twirled the pencil to the
eraser side.
Meanwhile, Alex, Boris, Natasha, and Snidely Whiplash sat in the corner, singing
sad Russian songs until the cartoon characters cried themselves out of
existence.
Mulder was in a fist fight with Bluto and Scully had appeared out of nowhere to
fight Sea-Hag.
Walter took on the advancing Blue Meanies, erasing them ruthlessly. He finally
found himself eye to eye with Spender. On impulse, he ran the eraser over the
man. An arm disappeared. He laughed and tried again. More and more of the man
disappeared. As he erased everything but the neck and head, Spender moaned,
"What a world...what a world!"
Walter erased the remaining traces and as he did, Mulder landed the last punch,
crumpling Bluto to a pulp at his feet. Boris, Natasha, and Whiplash were a
melted puddle of ink at Alex's feet. Scully had karate chopped Sea Hag into a
one inch tall compression of her former self. It bounced out of the room like
the compressed spring Sea-Hag had become.
They had won. Walter realized his work was done. He would have to go back to the
increasingly bleak life at the FBI. He hung his head as he thought of giving up
Mulder.
Alex licked his lips and said, "Stay, Walter, stay with us."
"I can't just take the life of the man I replaced," Walter confessed.
Porky Pig appeared to stutter out, "Thhhhatttss allll, foooolkks."
The classic black hole appeared. Walter sighed and realized that was the way
back. He started to climb back but his counterpart shoved him from the other
side. "Hey, buster, keep my world. I'm just a cartoon character and I'm happy
enough with the boss here. You take my place and I'll take yours."
Damn, the detective meant it!
Walter saw a golden sunset forming. Mulder and Krycek grabbed his hands as the
blue birds sang blissfully. It was a happy ending.
As the traditional cartoon black hole closed, Roger and Jessica pried a corner
of it open.
"It worked," said Jessica.
"Now, no one will know that Mulder and Krycek are the perfect hybrids between
Toon and human. Our son and his mates will free us at last!" Roger said,
blubbering shamelessly. He and Jessica kissed as the words 'The End' filtered
through the closing hole.
hen Walter looked up from his monthly staffing report, the clock said seven. He
grunted, stood up, and stretched. He wasn't finished, but piss on it. There were
times when he just wanted to walk out his office door into another world. A
twinge hit him and then a feeling of heat. He caught himself on the edge of his
desk and clung there until the sensation had passed. Shit, he would have to make
a doctor's appointment soon. He wondered what his doctor would advise him to
give up next.
