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Human
by Xanthe Well,
the first time you died was sure as hell the most shockingbut it was
the second that hurt the most.
After
that, all the pain just merged into one, and you weren't
entirely sure how
many times they killed you thereafter. After the fourth or fifth time you
lost count anyway.
The
cell is quite big. Outside its one small porthole, the stars shine
brightly in the black sky. Sitting above the Earth in the belly of their
mothership you're almost filled with awe at the sight of your home planet
far below, hanging in the sky like a beautiful, ripe, blue-green fruit,
waiting to be plucked.
Waiting... waiting... waiting for you to say the few words that would result in
it being gobbled up and swallowed whole. Only you won't. No matter how
many times they kill you.
Yesterday they killed you slowly, the day before it was fast.
At least you
assume it was the day before. It's hard to tell when outside it's always
perpetual night.
Today... today they drag you from your cell and take you to the torture room
as usual. Their jaws are slick and hungry, secreting slime so thick it
trails over the floor, making you retch from the stink of it. They rub
their long, sharp, shining mandibles together with a mocking, rasping
sound, as if in anticipation of your pain. You long ago gave up any
pretence at bravado. You scream all the way down the hallway and all the
way through the interrogation, performed, as usual, on a cold, stone,
bloodstained table. The first time you saw that table you struggled so
hard they broke your arm as they strapped you down. Now the
blood on it is
mostly yours, and you only struggle out of habit because you know there's
no escape.
They
don't speak English, or any other Earth tonguethey don't
have the vocal
chords for it. So they use a bounty hunter as their go between. You've
grown to loathe him and his shape-shifting form. He stands over you,
seemingly human, smiling pleasantly, asking their questions for them, and
then he shifts, becomes grotesque before your eyes, morphing into one of
them in order to relay your reply. You've lost count of how many times
you've had this particular dialogue. They tried drugging you first, in
order to get you to talk, but your genetic inheritance protected you and
your information. Nothing they had was effective against your cast iron
genes combined with the very effective antidotes the Consortium pumped
into your body since you were born, along with god knows what else. That,
you think bitterly to yourself, was probably the Consortium's most evil
legacy. If you had been drugged you'd at least have had no choice. As it
is... as it is the truth rises to your tongue at least a thousand times a
day, but on each occasion that's where it dies.
A
world.
A
whole world.
If you
spoke... if you surrendered what you know, then a whole world would die.
That's too much for one man's soul to bear. So, no matter how many times
they beat you, how many times they flay your skin from your body, drain
the blood from your veins, and dismember you while you're still
breathing... no matter how many times they kill you and then bring you back
to life as good as new to suffer all over again... no matter how often they
do it, you won't talk.
You
wish you could.
You
wish with all your heart and soul that this one burden hadn't been placed
on your shoulders. You curse the day you were born and every
single one of
your long line of ancestors stretching all the way back to the primeval
swamp from which they emerged... but all the same, you won't
talk.
Today
they cut off your thumbs and fingers, one by one. You wonder whether to
them it's the same as a human pulling the wings off a fly. You never did
thatbut you remember watching, fascinated, as your childhood friend
did, years ago. Crouching in the dirt in your back yard, you watched his
freckled face frowning as he concentrated on his ghoulish task. Is that
any different to these aliens, as they rasp and slide and stink in the
torture room, watching, unmoved, as you scream yourself hoarse with pain?
"This
little piggy went to market," you yell, as your index
finger goes, sliced
from your hand with meticulous precision by one of their shining surgical
implements. It's pointless defiance, but it does at least mean that the
bounty hunter has to shift back into alien form in order to relay the
meaningless utterances of an old nursery rhyme. You watch the aliens
making clicking sounds with their mandibles, and one of them throws back
what passes for his head, his jaw opening to reveal several long, sharp
teeth. You shudder.
"This
little piggy stayed at home!" you scream, your voice newly
born, no longer
hoarse as it was yesterday because every time you die they resurrect you,
good as new, in order to make you live through another session of
torment. Your middle finger is sawed from your hand, but
this is nothing.
You've endured this before, or something similar, and not even at alien
hands.
"This
little piggy had roast beef!" You screech, as your ring
finger goes. You
won't miss it; you were never the marrying kind anyway. Not that it
matters. Tomorrow, or the day after, it'll be grown back, miraculously,
and you'll be in perfect health again.
"This
little piggy had none." Your little finger goes and you
slump, the sweat
sliding down the side of your face. They hold up your hand for
you to view
their work, and you survey the bloodied mess.
"Been
there, done that," you hiss, "and much worse than
this. Try having your
whole arm sawn off with a rusty knife."
They
glance questioningly at the bounty hunter who obligingly shifts form and
interprets your words. Undaunted, they move onto your other hand. You
throw back your head, your body held tautly in place on their stone
operating bench.
"And
this little piggy cried, 'wee, wee, wee' all the way
home," you cry, your
voice sliding up and down an octave as they remove a finger on the stroke
of each "wee." Then you pass out.
You
wake back in the cell, on your side. Your thumbs and fingers are still
missing, the pain throbbing through your veins, making it
impossible to do
anything but just lie on your side with your stumpy hands
clutched to your
chest, gazing sightlessly out of the porthole at that glowing green-blue
ball hanging in the sky for which you have just suffered one
more day of a
torment more extreme than any man could be asked to bear. Is it worth it?
All this just to save one small world, and the billions of people on it?
Stupid question. Of course it is. Maybe one day the endless suffering and
dying will turn you insane and you won't be able to reply to their
questions, even if you wanted to. Insanity would be such a
blessed relief.
You lie still, humming softly to yourself. It's a shame really, you think
to yourself, because the first time you died should have been
the last. It
should have been permanent. That had certainly been its intentyou're
pretty sure of that.
You
have no fingers with which to touch, so you can't trace the place on your
forehead where the bullet that took your first life entered. You remember
the feel of it though. Red hot, burning, lancing deep into your brain.
There was a split second when you wondered what the hell had happened and
then realisation flooded in just as your legs gave way from
under you. The
last emotion you remember feeling was relief. Strange that.
Relief that it
was all over, maybe? Maybe. Relief that you no longer had to bear this
huge burden of responsibility for a world you didn't like and which sure
as hell didn't much like you? Maybe. If so, it was short
lived.
You
woke on their ship. Trust Mulder and Skinner not to even wait around and
see you decently buried. If they'd taken charge of your body,
committed it
to the flames, or even put it in the ground where it belonged, then those
alien bastards wouldn't have been able to find you. As it was,
lying there
in that parking garage, exposed, unable to protect yourself, you were an
easy target. They found you, spirited you away, and brought you onboard
their ship, all the time doubtlessly rasping away with their mandibles in
glee at having one of the key figures of the Resistance handed to them on
a fucking platter like this. Fuck. You should have killed Mulder when you
had him there at the end of your gun. Would have fucking killed him if it
hadn't been for one last vestige of stupid affection you had
for him.
He
could have been you.
You
could have been him.
You
were both working for the same ends only he didn't know it and
you did... and
he was too much the boy scout to deal with what you know. All the same,
the genetic inheritance you both share makes you blood brothers, if
nothing else. Was it some stupid notion of family that stopped
you killing
him that day? Probably. Why else had you fought so hard, so dirty, for so
long, if not because you cared? Deep down at least, you have some
affection for the hapless, clueless citizens of this benighted
planet. You
must, or you wouldn't be keeping your mouth so firmly shut throughout
these long days of suffering.
They
cauterised the wounds on your hands before they threw you back in here.
The blackened stubs remind you of another time and place where a similar
unauthorised amputation took place. Must be your destinyhistory
repeating itself. Out in the woods in Tunguska you offered up
your arm for
sacrifice. Now, you've lost your fingers, but like your arm they'll grow
back in the Resurrection Tank. You have no idea what it's really calledthat's just a name you made up for it. They throw your corpse into a pile
of green gunk and you slide out some time later with everything
grown back
into place, all shiny, and perfect, and new. The first time it happened
you couldn't believe you'd gotten your arm back. For a split second you
were even elated. That was before you realized where you
were.
There's still some blood, despite the cauterisation. It streaks
your hands
and has stained your naked chest. You gaze at it blankly. It's
a splash of
colour in the unredeemed gloom of your empty cell. No blanket. No bed.
Comfort isn't a priority after all. There are no human rights up here, no
Geneva Convention to dictate the treatment of prisoners of war. These
aliens have no understanding of human culturethey take what they want
like a giant swarm of sentient locusts, gobbling up planets and people.
Maybe it isn't even really possible to resist them. Maybe you should just
give them the information they want. There's not much at stake after all.
Only a world. Just one little world. You raise your head to look at it,
hanging like a shiny Christmas ornament through the porthole, almost near
enough to touch. Such a tiny thinghardly worth giving up a hundred
lifetimes for.
You
lay your head back down again, a bitter, twisted smile on your face. If
only they would just let you die and stay dead.
A
noise at the door startles you. They've come to take you back for more
torture. You open your mouth to scream your protest, your memories
providing you with a dozen or more nightmare scenarios of what they might
do to you next... when what you see brings you up
short.
It's a
man. Last time you saw him he was aiming a gun at your head. This time he
looks bemused, befuddled, and scared. You don't blame him. You haven't
forgotten your own reaction to first being in the same room as one of the
aliens. You lost the contents of your breakfast in pure fear. Skinner is
white as a sheet. They throw him into the cell and shut the door, and you
gaze uncertainly at the man who killed you first.
You
feel sure there must be a point to all this, a reason why they've brought
him here and why they imprisoned him with you, but if there is
it's beyond
you. It feels surreal. What the fuck do you have to say to him, lying on
your side, naked, bruised, beaten, with bloody blackened stumps
where your
fingers once were? What the hell does one say in these circumstances?
"Welcome to paradise, Skinner." Ironic, drawled ñ
nice to know you can
still summon the old bravado from somewhere, even in the most
desperate of
circumstancesand, let's face it, they don't come any more desperate
than this.
"Krycek."
He stares, aghast, unable to take it in. Then he's crawling over to your
side to check out your injuries. Not a boy scout this one, not
like Mulder.
He's far more pragmaticthat's why he killed you and Mulder
never could.
He's a man after your own heart, although not cut from the same cloth.
Maybe, if he knew what you did, he'd be what you are, because he has the
kind of soul that would make this kind of sacrifice of his own ideals,
nobility and integrity in order to fight against pure evil.
"Christ." He
rocks back on his heels as he surveys the blackened stumps where your
fingers once were, but most distressing of all is the way he
looks at your
forehead, searching for that bullet he knows went in.
"Yeah. It's me. Always turning up, like the proverbial bad
penny." You
grin, ghoulishly, and he gazes back blankly. Your feeble
attempt at humour
has been utterly rebuffed but then you never were all that
funny. Too much
angst. That's what comes from carrying around the kind of
knowledge you've
had in your head for far too long. It eats and claws and gnaws away at
your insides. "I'm not a clone if that's what you're
thinking," you snap
at him. He frowns.
"Then
what the hell are you?" He asks. He traces a finger over
your forehead and
you lie, unmoving. It feels strange to be touched by a human hand again
after so many daysor has it been weeks?with only these monsters for
company. "You were dead," he says. "Shit, why
the hell should this
surprise me? I'm on a spaceship, god knows how many miles above the
surface of the Earth, imprisoned by a horde of giant locusts, and I'm
worried about something as simple as your conjuring trick with
the grave?"
He
rocks back on his haunches and actually laughs. It's a peculiarly
compelling sight. You didn't know he had it in him. He's dressed in what
remains of his work clothes. The tie is missing, the shirt is torn and
stained with blood and there's a dark streak of grime down the
side of his
face that's barely distinguishable from the black bruise on his cheek and
chin. However they got him, he didn't come easily.
"So,
what happened? Did you piss them off too? Is there anyone who
likes you on
any world in the known universe, Krycek?" He
asks.
"My
mom was fond of me," you drawl, deadpan. He looks at you for a long
moment, and there's a slight softening of those dark brown eyes.
"Yes," he murmurs. Perhaps he never imagined you had
something so mundane
and earthly as a mom. If that's what he's thinking he'd be
right. You were
created in a test-tube, and implanted in some poor woman's womb.
Consortium born and bredthat's you. Born for your purpose, for your
destiny, poor little hybrid boy. No wonder you could never kill
Mulder. He
had it easy. He was one of the early batchthey never reclaimed him and
taught him what you know. He never had to live under this shadow from the
youngest age. He had the luxury of freedom and innocence: you didn't. And
yet every time you saw him you could never begrudge him that.
However much
you might have envied him you couldn't bring yourself to ever really
resent him for his peace of mind. Isn't this what you've fought for all
your life? Isn't it what you've died for, several times? So that they can
keep their peace of mind. All of them. Friends and enemies, black and
white, men and women.
"Why
did they do this to you?" he asks, and he gestures to the
blackened stumps
where your fingers once were, not because he likes youhe doesn't, and
who can blame him?or because he cares about your
distress, but because
he's human and out here that alone makes you the closest thing
to a friend
that he has.
"Why?
Because they want information." You smile. "And
this?" You hold up the
aching, stubby lumps of flesh that are now your hands, wincing as the
movement hurts almost more than you can bear. "This is
nothing, Skinner.
You wait until they kill you for the first time and then you'll know what
I mean."
"Kill... ?" He looks confused. Poor bastard.
"Well
how did you think I rose from the dead? They brought me back to life and
they've been torturing, killing and resurrecting me ever since. It would
be naÔve to imagine they won't do the same to you."
"They have the power to bring you back to life?" All
his certainties
rocked in one gobut he's seen this before, or something
similar. Mulder
died on him and came back after all.
"Yes.
Over and over again." You smile, grimly, and he looks
appalled.
"But I
don't know anything," he whispers.
"No. That's your tragedyand your saving grace,"
you tell him. "Because
if you did you'd have to make a choicesell out your whole planet to
save yourself, or keep on dying over and over again. As it is... well you
don't know anything anyway. So you can at least have the luxury of being
sure you won't crack and sell out a whole worldthat whole
world." You
turn your face away and stare out of the porthole at that beautiful,
green-blue globe hanging far below; that loved, hated orb for
which you've
died so many times.
"And you?" He asks.
You
don't reply, just stare into space, the full horror of your own
predicament reflected back at you from the echoing chasm of his humanity.
Because until now it was just you, and you had to just get on and deal
with it, but now he's here, full of shock and despair, and that's harder
to bear than your own emotions which you've been successfully ignoring
until now.
"Krycek?"
His hand shakes your shoulder, roughly, urgently.
"Alex?" He rolls you
back to face him. "And you?" He asks. "What do
you know?"
"Everything." You sit up, and gaze at him. Is he
ready for this? Probably
not. Who could be? Even the act of telling him is pointless, but it's
something to do to take your mind off the pain and distract you from the
total despair of our situation. You somehow manage to lever yourself up
into a sitting position, and lean back against the padded wall of the
cell. "I'm one of the last leaders of the Resistance, one
of the few left
who know what they are, what they've come for, and how to fight them. You
might judge me, Skinner, and you have in the past, but I was always
playing for higher stakes than you, or Mulder, or anyone else realised.
This isn't just a local war, it's a fight against beings you can't begin
to understand."
"Try me." Good, honest Skinner. Always wanting to
figure it all out, never
standing a fucking chance of understanding it all, because it's too
horrific to fully understand and he doesn't have the imagination to
visualise just how bad it really is. In his heart he doesn't
want to know.
None of them do, not even Mulder, for all his endless questing.
And you've
tried to give them that, honest to god you have. Tried to keep them safe
from what you knowwhy share that kind of agony around? There would be
nothing they could do. This isn't a conventional war against a
conventional enemy. This is something else entirely. Although... that
altruism isn't entirely the truth of it. You didn't tell them,
just as the
Consortium didn't tell them, because you didn't want anyone to interfere
with your plans or question your decisions. You didn't want to waste time
and energy on debating strategy or defending your actions.
Easier, and far
more expedient to just not tell them. Isn't that the truth of it? There
can be no lies herenot now, after so many deaths, and so many of them
your own. You can tell him though. He won't interfere now. It's too late
for that. He's still looking at you with those earnest dark eyes, so you
lean your head back against the wall, and shatter his peace of mind
forever.
"This
was once their worldand they want it back. If I've done anything over
these past 10 yearsand god knows there's a lot I've done, and most of
it enough to damn me to hell a thousand times overI've done it for one
reason only. To save us. All of us. To save our world and our
way of life.
To save our whole fucking species, and so many others too because the
aliens aren't interested in the birds and the fish and all the cute
fucking furry animals down there. All they're interested in is providing
food for their hatchlings. They want to swarm and lay their
eggsand I'm
not talking about a few eggs, but enough to fill this planet to the brim,
and when they hatch the young eat voraciouslythey devour everything in
their path, and when they're done that planet down there, our planet,
would be as devoid as life as surely as if the worst kind of nuclear
winter had taken place. Imagine a field destroyed by locusts and then
think of that only a billion times bigger. That's what this
species do.
It's who they are. Then they move onto the next planet, and the next one.
Thousands of years ago they stripped us bare and moved onand over long
millennia we recovered and became plentiful again. Well, now they're
back."
"Shit." Whispered, but succinct, and to the point.
Typical of the man. His
face is drained of blood and he's deathly pale, his dark eyes filled with
a savage kind of pain, but of course what you told him was only
the tip of
the iceberg. He doesn't know the full horror and you won't tell him
because then they'd begin to guess the extent of what you know, and that
wouldn't be smart. And if there's one thing you are it's smartit was
bred into you.
"Yeah.
Shit. So, if I've killed, and lied, and cheated to save us from being
eaten alive by the spawn of those alien monstersand I've
done all those
thingsI don't give a damn. If that's wrong, so be it. But it was a
choice I made freely, knowing things that would make you weep,
Skinner."
You wish, almost idly, that you could still weep but knowledge has made
you hard and distantor maybe that was another genetic gift from your
makers. Maybe that has nothing to do with knowledge at all. Maybe that's
just you.
"What
kind of things?" He asks. "What else do you know?"
"I can't tell you that without telling them, can I? I'm
not stupid. If
they thought they'd bring you here and I'd spill my guts to you and they
could just listen in... " You incline your head towards the
walls, because of
course they're listening. They need the information locked up inside your
head and they'll stop at nothing to get it, short of slicing off the top
of your skull and scooping out the contents, and fuck knows they might
have already tried that during one of the torture sessions you've
deliberately blanked out. "If they thought I'd be so
fucking stupid then
they must need their fucking brains examined." You shout
this last out
loud to the walls.
"Surely they can't think you'd be that sloppy," he
says, perplexed. "That
can't be why I'm here."
"Then
why are you here?" You ask, weary beyond belief, a
total abject
weariness of the soul rather than of the body. He frowns and shakes his
head.
"I have no idea," he whispers. "None at all. Do
you know?"
"No." And you don't. You really don't. Why bring him
here? For what
reason? They must know he was the one who killed youwhat purpose does
it serve to bring him here? You wish you knew. You think they're playing
games with you... and you wish you could figure it out, but you're too tired
and too weary to do that and what's more, and this worries you most of
all, you're beginning not to care.
"Why
don't they just come?" He asks, sitting now, in this
empty, padded cell,
next to this empty, soul-sick man. "If they have all
this?" He waves his
arm expansively around the cell, the gesture encompassing their ship and
all their technology. "They could just walk in and take
over our world.
What's stopping them?"
"Well, firstly they're not ready to swarm yet. They have to make the
planet ready first, prepare huge underground nurseries to
accept the eggs.
It's a mammoth task and will take them some years. And
secondly... " You
smile at him wearily. "Secondly, we have a secret weapon,
and that's why
I'm here, dying over and over again until I tell them where it
is, what it
can do, and how it can be destroyed."
"Only you won't." He gazes at you steadily. He's an
old soldier. Maybe he
was even captured by the Vietcong once, so he understands what
this is all
about.
"Only
I won't," you confirm with a shake of your head, closing
your eyes as you
do so. "No matter how many times they kill me."
"Is it true? Do they really keep bringing you back to life
just to kill
you again? Is the information you have so important?"
His
hand comes to rest on your shoulder again and for a second you're
surprised by how comforting it is to be with another human being right
now, to smell human sweat and fear and hear a human voiceto accept
human fucking comfort god damn it. Yes, even you, Alex Krycek, a man who
has gone into the dark more times than any man can reasonably expect to
and still stay saneif, with your hybrid blood, you can even
claim to be
truly human. Yes, it's true, Alex Krycek, quasi-leader of the resistance,
and saviour of the entire ungrateful fucking planethe needs comfort
just like any other man.
"Yes,
Skinner. It's true." You open your eyes lazily, just in
time to see the
look on his face and it takes you by surprise. It isn't just
revulsion you
see in his eyesthere's genuine pity. And more than that. There's
something else, something you haven't seen in anyone's eyes since you
started on this hard path: respect. Walter Skinner is looking at you with
respect. He doesn't know the half of what you've given up for that orb in
the sky out there. He doesn't know about the sacrifices, and
the hardship,
and just how dirty you got your hands for the sake of your mission. He
doesn't understand what it's been like to be hated and despised by people
who don't know you've been trying your hardest to keep them and their
families and their entire world alive. Respect. Nothing else but that
could bring tears to your eyes right now. Maybe that's why they sent him
hereto make you soft. After all these years, Alex Krycek's going soft
because someone placed a hand on his shoulder and treated him with
respect. In the circumstances you have no choiceyou move your face and
bite down on his hand. Hard.
"Christ!" He pulls back, the blood streaming down his
wrist, much to your
relief. "Krycek, what the hell was that for?" He
demands angrily.
"I
thought you might be the bounty hunter, wearing Skinner's face, sent to
trap me, but they don't bleed right when you break the surface of the
skin," you murmur. "The blood doesn't run you see. It
just needs to give
the appearance of warmth and pinkness to the skinso it's
stagnant. When
you bite them it doesn't flow like that. It's kind
of... congealed. Trust me,
I tried it a few times when that bastard was interrogating me. He soon
learned to keep out of my way. So, it would seem that you're real,
Skinner."
"Yes, boy. I'm the real thing," he growls, getting
his handkerchief out of
his pocket and wrapping it tightly around his hand to stem the flow of
blood. "So, what do we do now?" He glances around the
cell helplessly.
He's a big man, and one used to action. He's finding it hard to
face up to
the fact that he's stranded hundreds of miles above the surface of his
planet, locked away in an empty padded cell with a man he killed just a
few short weeks ago.
"Do?
What the hell is there to do?" You raise an eyebrow, and
throw back at him
the words you've wanted to say to him for a very long time.
"We just think
warm thoughts."
Impasse. He moves away, as far away from you as possible in this large
white cell, and sits, slumped against the wall opposite you, while you
drift in and out of consciousness, half watching him, half lost in your
own thoughts. The bruise on his jaw subtly changes colour, from dark red
to purple. Time is fairly meaningless in a place where there is
no day and
night but some considerable time must pass in this way. Finally, he
moves.
"Do
they bring us food or water?" He asks, moistening his
cracked lips with
his tongue. You wake from your hazy slumber and
smile.
"Sometimes. If they remember. Mostly they don't bother.
They don't much
care if we die of starvation or thirst anyway as they can always just
sling us in the tank and bring us back to life." You
shrug, then grimace
as the movement sends shockwaves through your
hands.
"What
about... " He glances
around the cell. "Isn't there anyplace to piss?" He
asks.
You
laugh out loud, but the dour and ironic sound you were aiming for just
comes over as deranged and manic. You wonder how you must look,
lying here
naked, sans fingers, unshaven, un-dead, unbroken, and utterly without
hope. His dark eyes reflect his concern but he hasn't seen anything yet.
He doesn't know how bad it can be. He doesn't have a
clue about any
of this. Poor bastard.
"No,
Walter," you say softly, relenting, taking pity on him.
"There's nowhere.
You can use a corner of the cell. It has some kind of renewable lining.
When it starts to stink too much they just replace it. Don't ask me howI haven't seen it. They usually work on it while I'm in the
tank."
He
nods, brusquely, and, sitting forward, wraps his arms around his knees.
He's a big man and the action is strangeungainly. You can't
imagine him
ever normally sitting on the floor like this. He's usually so
in control ,
so private, so immaculately dressed, but that's just a veneer. It's the
civilised veneer that our human society affords him but it isn't the real
man. You suddenly realise that you don't know the real man underneath at
all and that, for some reason, makes you wonder what Vietnam was like. A
man such as this has been used to the privations and discomforts of war.
Nothing, though, could possibly have prepared him for this.
"What
happens next?" he asks, still watching you as if he could
find the answers
he seeks in your face, or ruined hands.
"I have no idea," you shrug.
More silence. You know that time has passed because the bruise
on his face
has turned a shade of dull blue now. There's a small pool of urine in the
far corner of the cell so you guess that at some point he got up and
relieved himself there, but you don't remember him moving. He's still
sitting with his back against the wall in that same place, marking it out
as his territory as human's tend to. You've noticed thatthe way people
always sit in the same chair in meetings, even though it's irrelevant
where they sit. You wonder if your captors are even aware of these small
nuances of homo-sapiens' behaviour. These things that make us
human. These
little things...
"Christ!" His exclamation rouses you some time later.
"What the fuck is
wrong with you?" He asks, seemingly outraged by something.
Glancing down
you see the small river of yellow fluid seeping out between
your legs.
"What
the fuck does it matter to you?" You growl, and turn your
face back to the
wall.
"Lying
in your own filthdoesn't that bother you?" He asks and
you laugh.
"Skinner, I'm dead," you explain patiently.
"I've died more times than I
have fingers to count onno wait, that's not saying much now
is it?" You
hold up your stumps and laugh at him some more. "So no, it
doesn't bother
me. Why would it bother me? I'm a corpse. It doesn't
matter."
He
stands and stretches out that large frame as much as he can. The cell has
a low ceilingour captors are long rather than tall, and he can't quite
stand to his full height.
"You're still human," he says, in a low tone.
"That matters, doesn't it?
Doesn't it?" He moves across the cell slowly, and you can
see that he's
limping so they obviously hurt him more during capture than was
originally
obvious. He stands over you, an expression of pity warring with
disgust in
those dark brown eyes as he glowers down at you. He seems to be having
some kind of internal discussion with himself, which is finally resolved
when, with a sigh, he crouches down in front of you. "You
should have said
if you needed some help," he offers, softly.
"Help?
From you? Forgive me but I seem to remember that you were the
first person
to kill me, if not the last," you murmur.
There's a vein that pulses in the side of his neck, and
his jaw has the
most peculiar ability to shift and lock into place, betraying his
emotions.
"I
have just one word to say in answer to that charge," he
hisses in a low
tone. "Nanobots."
Ah.
That word. You smile, almost lazily, aware that it will enrage himand it does. That jaw shifts sideways again, and clenches hard. Then he
does a surprising thing. He reaches down, puts his hands under your arms,
and lifts you. You complain about being moved, about the pain in your
hands, but he doesn't listen. He drags you out of the pool of urine you
were sitting in, and dumps you further away, your back to the cell wall
once more. But he still isn't finished with you. He tears a strip off his
already torn shirt, then crouches down and cleans you up as best he can.
It feels strange to be touched so gently after all the many days of
torture and you flinch away from him. The shock and pity register in his
eyes but he says nothing, just continues his self-appointed
task, and then
sits down on the padded white floor, closer to you now, close enough that
you have no choice but to look at him.
"Why,
Alex?" He asks softly.
"Why
what?" Your head lolls back and you long for the hazy
indifference of
sleep once more.
"Why
poison me with the nanobots? If you are what you say you are, why didn't
you just come to me and explain?"
His
tone is gentle, soft and reasonable, but that's a deception that hides
pure cold, angry steel. He hates youand he has every good reason to do
so. You cannot hate him for that, or for the consequences of that. You
fucked with his mind and you paid what should have been the ultimate
price. If only it had been the ultimate
price.
"Would
you have believed me?" You ask, head flung back, tone so weary it
surprises even you. You once would have welcomed the trust of a man such
as this, but your years with the Consortium, before you understood the
full breadth of the truth, mean that he can see you as nothing but an
enemy, and you don't begrudge him that.
"I
don't know... but to poison me, to coerce me, to force me, against
my will... "
His voice is rising in tone. "And what's worse, to have
every appearance
of enjoying it," he spits. "Explain that,
Alex."
"Enjoying it?" You sit up, a little surprised.
"Now that you mention
it... maybe I did. Maybe I've come that far," you muse out
loud. "I never
said I was any kind of fucking saint, Skinner. I had an objective and I
used you to get it. I never even thought about enjoying it, but yes,
you're right. I did enjoy it. It was a little power, and I
revelled in it.
So much of this shit has been beyond my control, from the moment I was
born. For once I could be the one pulling someone else's strings, instead
of having my own pulled. Yes, SkinnerI enjoyed it. I enjoyed watching
you writhe as I pressed those buttons. I enjoyed making you smart with
hurt pride every time I asked you to do something you didn't want to do.
Oh yes. I did enjoy it. Very much."
You
gaze at him, expectantly, not entirely sure what you're hoping for. His
anger maybe? His fists? The sound of a good old-fashioned punch, human
flesh landing violently on human fleshanything that isn't that dark
room with its stone torture bench and the rasp, rasp, rasp of alien
mandibles rubbing together.
He
inclines his head and this causes the overhead lights to flicker in his
dark eyes and for a moment you see yourself reflected in his irises. You
look like a piece of meat, an animalthis is how he must be seeing you,
and this is all that you are. Maybe it's all you've ever been to him. A
worthless animal that took pleasure from his pain because of
some sadistic
human instinct that enjoys having power over others. Disgusting
maybe, but
the right to be a sadistic human bastard is one you're fighting
for, along
with a pantheon of other, more edifying human attributes, such as the
right to love, and nurture, and protect.
"That,
at least, is honest," he growls and it's only then you
realise that he
hasn't raised his hand to hit you. Instead he seems to accept what you've
said calmly, as if this admission is one he can live with. Is it one you
can live with though? You never saw yourself through another's eyes as
clearly as in this moment in time. From birth you've been trained to
transcend your human limitations; to lie, cheat, steal and kill for your
mission, to treat the people you're trying to save as less than yourself,
lesser beings to be pitied, protected, patronised and sacrificed as need
beand of course, genetically speaking you aren't even fully human
anyway. Does his humanity shame you? Lying here, now, watching him, so
shiny and pink and warm, he seems to be everything you never were and
could never aspire to be. Ironic, isn't it? You've fought all
your life to
save humanity from destruction but you don't even know what it is to be
human.
Wearily, you turn your face away from the reflection of yourself in his
eyes. You don't recognise that person. You don't even have any idea what
species he belongs to. Humans prefer their heroes clean and pure; they
don't want murky excuses for a hero, such as you've become, and
yet you're
all they've got, and right now you're all that's standing between that
tiny orb out there and certain annihilation. Ironic, isn't
it?
When
they come for you again, a little while later, you scream like the animal
you are as they drag you away. He tries to intervene for some reason you
don't understand. What can your fate matter to him? He's killed you once,
after all, but you suppose that the battle against an outside enemy makes
friends of us all, whatever our colour or creed. He doesn't succeed, of
course. He never stood a chance. Razor sharp mandibles slice through his
skin, flaying great gouging lines of red across his chest and
ripping long
horizontal slits through his shirt until, defeated, he falls back and
watches as they drag you away, feet first, your fingerless hands trailing
on the floor over your head, and the last thing you notice
before the door
closes is the look of defeat and guilt in his eyes... and it takes you quite
a while to figure out that he's actually upset that he couldn't save you.
Then
you're too busy screaming as they strap you down and start in where they
left off and before very long you're dead again.
New
born. Shiny. The first breath hurtsthe gunk is still in your lungs and
you feel smothered. Then you're deposited face first on the
floor and that
knocks the stuff out of your body. You get up on all fours and retch the
last of it up, reminded of a silo, a long time ago, and sleek black oil
leaving your body from every orificeand that's every orifice,
like having a bad dose of the runs as well as a streaming cold and being
violently sick at the same time. This isn't as bad as that and only lasts
for a few moments. Then the stuff, whatever it is, is drying on your body
in little dark green rivulets, and you're gazing down at your
newly formed
hands. They look just like the last ones, just like the first onesonly
minus the battle scars of everyday life. That burn on your left palm,
legacy of a childhood accident is still missing and you find, bizarrely,
that you long to see it again. The nails are all even and regular and
clean, the skin beneath them pinkly perfect and so soft. Your hands, the
real ones, were never like this. They were harder, slightly calloused in
places. These aren't your hands, this isn't your bodythis isn't even
your life. It's a life you have no right to, a life you don't even want.
The death Skinner dealt you, a week or a month or however long
ago it was,
is one you welcomed. With it came the knowledge that all the burdens were
on somebody else's shoulders now. You'd done your bit, played your part,
and departed this life, shot through the head like a rabid dog put out of
its misery by a bullet from a kindly gun. What is it the military call it
when they shoot down one of their own? Friendly fire? Yes, friendly fire.
Skinner might not have intended it that way but that's what it was.
Friendly. A way out. And then these bastards brought you back to life.
You're not even aware that you're crying until they wrap their tentacles
around your arms and drag you off back to the
cell.
Skinner. You'd forgotten about him. How many hours have passed?
The bruise
on his face is a myriad of yellow hued tones now, so you guess it's been
awhile. He looks like shit. There's blood all over his shirt, which is
torn to shreds, and he has the makings of a promising
beard.
He
stares at you for a moment, the shock registering in his eyes as his gaze
lingers on your newborn fingers, and your soft, pink, unblemished,
beardless skin. Yes, you'd told him this would happen, but seeing it is
different.
"How
long was I gone?" You ask, enjoying the fact that you're
no longer the
weak, crippled one in this room. Now your head is clear and your body is
humming with life. Now you can meet him on equal termsor better than
equal, because he's still dirty, bruised and
hungry.
"I
don't know. I have no way of measuring time." He shrugs,
and points to the
cracked watch on his wrist. "Quite a while. Why?"
"I just wondered... I wondered how long the resurrection
takeshow long I'm
dead for." You shrug.
"Does
it hurt?" He gets up, slowly, his entire body almost
creaking and now you
can see how cracked his lips are. It isn't the hunger that's debilitating
himit's the thirst. You know that thirst all too well, and feel a wave
of unexpected empathy for him. The resurrection tank at least takes that
craving for water away. You're reborn in perfect condition and it'll be
several hours before the thirst kicks in.
"Being
reborn? No. Not really. You're not even aware of it until they
dump you on
the floor with all this gunk coming out of your ears. You gesture at a
tiny piece of dried green on your chest but most of the rest has
disappeared miraculously into your skin, leaving you looking absurdly
clean. He's fascinated, and repulsed at the same timeyou can see it in
his eyes. You're surprised when he reaches for your hand and examines the
new fingers minutely.
"Looking for a seam?" You joke, uncomfortable with
his touch, not because
you don't like it but because you like it too much. Back on Earth you
never allowed anyone to get close enough to touch you. Even sex was
violently done, an explosive coupling for the sake of relieving a need
rather than for comfort, company, or even love. You can still
remember the
way Marita tasted, the faint tang of her blood on your tongue from where
you'd bitten her lip, how the sex with her was hard and almost vicious.
There was never anyone who just touched you, nobody who ever held you, or
stroked your hair. Not even when you were a childthe Consortium bred
experiments, not little boys. You never had a mother to love you and you
never missed human contactuntil now.
"Something like that." He shrugs, and, finding
nothing, he releases your
hand and you fight down an absurd wave of disappointment. "So, what
happens next?" He asks, and as if on cue the door opens
again and you
start screaming and cursing even before those sharp tentacles wrap
themselves around your body.
"Christ, can't you at least give me an hour? One fucking,
lousy hour to
enjoy being whole again!" You yell, twisting and turning
in pointless,
fruitless struggle. As they drag you out of the room, you're not entirely
surprised to see that they have him too, wrapped up tight in their
stinking, slimy talons, and he's fighting as hard as you are only with
less noisegood old Skinner; he always was the strong, silent
type.
So
it's back down into the bowels of the ship, on this journey you know only
too well. It takes on a nightmarish aspectonly you know this is one
nightmare you can never wake up from. The lighting in the ship
is low, the
ship's walls a dark reddish brown, made of some kind of organic substance
that beats and throbs like a living entity. Then you're in the
interrogation room again, and they sling you down on the stone slab and
start strapping you in place, ready for a new day of torture. Out of the
corner of your eye you can see Skinnerthey thrust him against the wall
and tie him there with some kind of manacles that wrap around his chest
and hold him fast. He looks at you because you've been here before and
understand it all better, and you just stare back because you have no
words of reassurance to give him, and anyway, you have no idea what
they're intending to do.
The
bounty hunter enters the room, stops for a moment to look at Skinner, and
then gives that nasty, ghoulish grin that you've come to hate so much. He
says nothing thoughhe's always been a man of few words and most of
those are direct interpretations for his masters. He comes over
to you and
smiles, and then you hear the sound of a motor, or a drill... and, looking
down, you see the revolving blade buzzing towards your
chest.
"No... Christ, no... " You pant, twisting as much as you
can to avoid it as it
begins its slow journey towards your beautiful, delicate, pink
new skin.
"So... the questions remain the same. Tell them what they
wish to know," the
bounty hunter says, glancing at Skinner and then back at you.
"Or, if you
will not, maybe this one will?"
"He doesn't fucking know anything!" you scream and
the bounty hunter
shifts form and relays this information to the aliens who are inhabiting
the shadows down the entire side of the room, like huge preying mantises,
mandibles rubbing together, jaws slick with foul smelling saliva. You can
see Skinner watching it all, paling visibly when the bounty
hunter changes
form, his jaws clamped together so hard that they look as if they could
crack from the pressure. The bounty hunter changes back into human form,
and you realise that they don't believe you and they're going to torture
you just to find out whether it's the truth or not. The next thing you
know your chest is being cut open and the blood is spraying out onto your
face and neck, turning the whole world red.
At
some point there's a pause in the proceedings, and, half-conscious, you
turn your head and gaze blearily at Skinner. He's deathly pale, but it's
those dark brown eyes of his that haunt you. They're so strong,
so full of
purpose, so encouraging. It's almost as if he's physically
reaching out to
you from across the room, reminding you that he's here, sharing your
agony, and trying to give you the strength to deal with it. From
somewhere, the realisation kicks in that he's staying strong so that you
don't have to deal with him falling apart on top of all that you're
suffering and for some reason that just makes everything worse. You lay
your head back with on the table with a thud and try to ignore the dull,
throbbing pain in your chest.
Next
they attach some kind of hook into your cheeks, pulling the
flesh so tight
that you feel sure it's about to be ripped from your skull and you wish
that whatever is going to happen will happen quickly, so that
you can have
the blessed if only momentary relief of death, or unconsciousness. The
pressure on your cheeks forces your mouth open and then you're in the
middle of some kind of surreal orthodontic nightmare as the sound of a
drill starts up and a shiny silver implement is inserted into your mouth
and begins shaving away at your teeth. You can't even scream
properly now,
can't do anything but whimper and shudder as the torture
continues.
More
questions, but you barely hear them. You hear Skinner talking, urgently,
insisting that he knows nothing, begging them to stop this torture,
telling them that it's for nothing, that he barely knows you,
and you sure
as hell aren't his friend... for some reason that makes you feel cold inside
and after that you block out all sounds and disappear into some
hazy world
of your own, where you can feel, see, and hear nothing at
all.
You
wake up warmer than usual. Normally when you wake up back in the cell
you're cold where your body has gone into shock after the torture
sessions, but on this occasion you're warm, and you realise,
after several
minutes, that you're being held. You blink, your sweaty hair sticking on
your eyelids and squint up through the fringe into a pair of dark brown
eyes.
"Hey,"
he says softly, and you're surprised when he gently brushes
your hair away
from your forehead so you can see properly. You glance down at your chest
which is still ripped open although clearly the cut wasn't deep enough to
actually kill you. It hurts though. It throbs with a dull intensity that
almost blocks out the other sensations in your weary body. You remember
the hooks and raise a hand to your cheeks. There are three holes down
either side of your face and they hurt too, as does the hole in
your mouth
where one of your teeth once was. "I'm sorry," he
says in that same soft
tone.
"I
don't want your fucking pity," you snarl, spitting out a mouthful of
blood, and that's not quite a lie. You don't want his pity, but his
comfort is another matter entirely. His arms feel so warm, circling your
body protectively. He might not have been able to stop them
torturing you,
but he wants to do something, anything to make it up to youto help in
some way. Maybe that's a natural human impulse, to want to give comfort
and succour to another, injured, human. Maybe. You don't know. It's not
one you've ever felt if that's the case. Nobody ever showed you this sort
of kindness before and it's unsettling and it's goodyes, despite
everything, despite all the pain, it's good to be held so gently, so
carefully, as if he really cares about you which of course he doesn't.
Fate just threw you together. It isn't you he feels affection forhe's
just empathising with your pain. Not that that matters. You'll
take what's
on offer because it feels so good.
"Is
this what they've been doing to you all this time?" He asks, still
stroking your hair even though it's no longer strictly
necessary. "All
these weeks since I shot you? Christ, Alex, I'm so sorry."
"You
should be. If only you'd buried me properlyif you'd only
burned me... "
You trail off, because although you've been lamenting his inefficiency in
body disposal for weeks, now it no longer seems important. It goes
nowhere, and you're tired of even thinking about
it.
"There
was something else going on at the time," he says
apologetically.
"Ah, yes, that stupid fucking baby," you snarl.
"Did it spawn?"
"Yes."
"Well,
much good it'll do anyone," you mutter. "You should
have fucking killed it
when I told you to, Skinner."
"Are you really that lost that you think I'd ever
seriously have done
that?" He asks, in that same soft tone. "Honestly,
Alex. Did you really
ever think I'd kill a baby rather than allow you to torture and
maybe even
kill me with those nanobots?"
"Oh
whatever," you growl. "The baby was Consortium
created but they'd been
sold a crock of shit by a renegade bounty hunter and... oh what the fuck. I
don't need to explain any of this to you. You wouldn't
understand anyway."
It isn't that though. What's disturbed you is seeing yourself through his
eyes. To him, killing a baby, any baby, is evil, an act that he wouldn't
perform under any kind of duress as you know all too well. It shames you
somehow, to see him gazing at you with those dark eyes, trying to
understand what to him is indefensible, willing there to be some kind of
goodness and nobility to your soul because he's seen you being brave,
holding out against intolerable torture, and he wants to believe you're a
hero after all. And, right now, lying here in his arms, you want to
believe that too, but you know it isn't true.
"What
did they do to you, Alex?" He asks and you know he isn't
talking about the
aliens now, and for some reason you feel tears pricking at the back of
your eyes.
"They
bred me, Skinner," you reply, still hiding behind the
bravado. "The
Consortium bred me from a test tube and alien DNA. They didn't raise me
like a child, they monitored me like an experiment. I'm a
hybridI'm not
all human, not like you."
"I
don't believe that," he says steadily.
"Don't be fucking stupid. I'm not fucking lying to
you... " Those tears are
still perilously close to the surface and you'd do anything to stop them
from being shed.
"I
don't mean that. Maybe your DNA is different to mine but I don't believe
that makes you less human," he says softly, stubbornly,
and that's when
you lose the fight and the tears start to fall.
You
turn your face away from him because although he knows that
you're sobbing
like a child, there's no reason for you to have to bear that sympathetic
gaze. His arms tighten around your body and he holds you, rocking you
gently as you cry yourself hoarse. The plain truth, and it's not one you
can deny any more, is that dying this many times has stripped away
everything you've ever carefully constructed about who or what
Alex Krycek
might be, and left you with just the basics of what's underneathand
that's a pathetic, fragile thing, despite everything you've ever done to
hide that. You can see it clearly now, lying here with your chest ripped
open and your mouth full of blood, his arms around your body,
offering you
comfort, holding you up, helping you keep your grip on your sanity right
at the point when you're most in danger of losing it. What Alex
Krycek is,
beneath the shell, is something ugly, and useless and small. Something
that's never been loved and never knew what it was missing. You
feel as if
you've been thrown into the resurrection tank and pulled out
again without
all the protective layers so carefully constructed during the 38 years of
your earthly existence.
At
some point the tears must have stopped because you find yourself lying in
a different position with your head on his lap now. He's staring out of
the window, gazing into space, the expression in those dark eyes
unreadable. His fingers are still gently soothing through your hair, more
as a reflex action than anything else. You gaze at him upside down for a
moment, wondering what it would be like to genuinely be loved
by this man.
As a friend, as a father or brother, even as a lover; loved in any
capacity at all because you've never known that and you wonder what it
might have felt like. You always envied Mulder the certainties of his
love. That blinding love for a sister that led him to search for her for
so many years, the love of his mother and father, shielding and
protecting
him from the truth about both his own genetics and their involvement with
the consortium; his love for Scully, hell, even his love of Skinner in
some bizarre way. Having a boss who'd look out for you and protect you is
a concept you can't quite get your head around.
"Fuck
you," you snap, breaking into his reverie and distracting
you from your
own. "Christ, I don't need this." And you pull away,
ignoring the pain in
your chest as the sudden movement makes the ugly wound split open even
further. "Fuck you, Skinner. You don't fucking know
anything," you snarl
at him, and it doesn't helpinstead all you see in his eyes is that
you're like some wounded wild animal who would rather bite the
hand trying
to help him than accept that help because he's too frightened and in too
much pain to do anything else.
You
manage to drag yourself away from those warm, comforting hands and back
over to your own side of the cell, where you lie, panting,
trying to enjoy
the cool, familiar sensation of being alone once
more.
"Why
don't you tell me then," he says in an utterly reasonable
tone of voice.
"We've got nothing else to do after all."
"Tell you what? You know most of it now," you snap.
"You were bred by the ConsortiumI'm not sure why,"
he muses. "But at
some point you turned away from them, joined the Resistance you spoke of
earlier?"
"And you want to know why?" You sneer, gazing over at
him, where he's
seated on the other side of the cell. Christ but he looks bad. He needs
food and water soon or they'll be throwing him into the
resurrection tank. He shrugs and starts to say something but his mouth is
too dry and you can't hear what he's croaking. "I'm sure
you want it to be
something noble, something heroic. Some realisation that the Consortium's
policy of appeasement was evil," you snap, and he shrugs
and spreads his
hands, gesturing to you to continue. "Well that wasn't it.
I didn't join
the resistance out of some noble ideal and commitment to saving
humanityI joined out of spite." And you laugh because it seems so clear now.
Nothing can be hidden herethere are no lies left for you to
hide behind
when you've died this many times. "I turned against the
Consortium like a
fucking rebellious, surly teenager, turned against them because they bred
me, gave birth to me, and never once fucking... "
What?
Loved you? Is that it? Is that all? And can that really be why? You stare
at him for a moment, feeling angry but not really with him.
"I
hate them," you finish lamely, and that's true too.
"When I was growing up
I didn't know what they stood for. They had me educated, sent me to
college, and made me do their dirty work and back then I didn't know the
truth. I even believed I was doing something goodit was like I worked
for the fucking CIA or something. I truly believed that ultimately I was
working for the good of everyone, no matter what they asked me
to do. They
led me to believe that and even if I hadn't... " you shrug.
"Well, one of the
first things they taught us was obedience: unquestioning and unflinching
obedience and devotion to the cause. It was only later... "
You shrug again.
"Well, they bred us smart for a purpose, but when you're
smart you can't
help asking questions and that leads to independent thought and
that
as we know, can be dangerous."
"It
must have been tough," he comments, his voice hoarse and
strained from
lack of water. "Leaving the people who were to all intents
and purposes
your family."
"Tough? No. It was fucking easy. They tried to kill
me," you snarl. "They
planted a bomb in my car. How would you feel if your own father tried to
kill you, Skinner?"
He
gazes at you, and nothing you can do or say seems to shake the unwavering
compassion in those dark brown eyes and it's bugging the hell
out of you.
"Was
he your father? Spender? That cigarette smoking son of a bitch?"
"Yeah. Probably. He fathered most of the batches for that
time periodthe ones that produced Mulder and Jeff and me. So probablybut if not
him then it was one of the others. They were all in on it and they all
voted to have me killed. All except the Englishmanbut he was a double
agent for the Resistance all along. It was he who recruited me away from
the Consortium, he who brought me back into the fold with them,
to work as
a double agent alongside himand he paid for that, in the
end." You
shrug, and wish you could feel something for the only one of
them who ever
showed you any kind of kindness but you can't. He was using you the way
all those old men used everyone. They didn't know any other way
and they
didn't teach you any other way either.
He's
lying half in shadow nowand you long to crawl back into the comfort of
his arms and pretend that none of this is really happening but you won't
because you don't want him to catch a glimpse of the small, imperfect
creature that lies at the core of Alex Krycek. You don't want him to know
that tiny, fragile, insubstantial being. For your own sake, and the sake
of your sanity.
Soon
after that they come and take you both back to the interrogation room and
this time they complete the job on your chest and before you know it
you're waking up again beside the resurrection tank, spitting out gunk
from your healed mouth. When they throw you back into the cell he's lying
on his side, in a fetal position, and he doesn't answer when you talk to
him. You sit and glare at him for a long time, and then, unable
to bear it
any more, you walk across the cell to examine him. He's been druggedthat much is clear when you get close up. His eyes roll back in his head
when you pull back his eyelids. They must have tried getting information
from him the way they tried with you to begin with, only he doesn't know
anything and he doesn't have a Consortium genetic inheritance to protect
him from the drugs. He's completely out of it and will be for some time
judging by the look of him.
You
gaze down at him for a few minutes and then a thought occurs to
you. While
he's out of it, you can take that comfort from him without him knowing,
without him seeing how pathetic Alex Krycek really is.
So you
lie down beside him, rest your head on his shoulder, pick up his arm and
wrap it around your own body. Now it feels as if he's holding you, caring
for you, and it's almost enough. You stay still, quietly watching him as
he sleeps. His dark beard is peppered with touches of grey and white, as
if someone has brushed paint over it. His skin is haggard, his face
inexpressibly weary, and yet, beneath all that, there shines some essence
of the man. His jaw is square and very stronghinting at an obstinacy
that you can understand and empathise with all too well. His eyelids are
red in hue, where he's been taken to the limits of his endurance and yet
there are reserves still untapped, hinted at in the broad lines of his
face and the surprisingly sensual fullness of his lips. His neck and
shoulders are broad, capable of bearing a multitude of self-imposed
weights. He's so very solid, so real, so... human. Maybe that's why you need
to nestle in so close, and lose yourself in him. He's something you could
never behe's human, and perhaps, by association, some of that humanity
will rub off on you. Or perhaps it's just that you're a long way from
home, trapped in a living nightmare without end, with the fate
of too many
souls resting on your shoulders and you want to forget about it just for
awhile and take what comfort you can from the warm circle of his arms. If
you close your eyes you can imagine you're both somewhere else.
Forget the
absurdity of Alex Krycek snuggling up to Walter Skinner on a
warm summer's
day in a park in the middle of Washington DC. Forget that it could never
have happened that way back down on Earth and instead imagine it to be
true. Above you, the sun is shining and the sky is blue, beneath you is
warm green grass, smelling so good, and you're lying pressed up against
the warm flesh of someone you love. You aren't Alex Krycek any more;
you're someone good, someone kind, a hero the world would like and a hero
you wish you could be... and it feels so good.
At
some point you fall asleep, lost in his smell and his warmth and the all
too human emotion of being with someone, close, touched... and, in your own
mind at least, loved. The fantasy is blown apart some time later when you
wake with a start. Your leg is cramped, and your neck is stiff from lying
in this position, but you don't give a fuck about that because you blink
away the sleep and find two dark, curious eyes, inches away from your
face, watching you.
He
knows. He knows you crawled into his arms and not even under cover of
injury because you were newly born, straight from the resurrection tank.
No, he knows that you needed his warmth and humanity, and you
hate him for
it but hate yourself more.
"They
drugged me," he murmurs, seemingly ignoring the fact you're nestled
together like lovers.
"I
know. They did that to me too, when I first arrived." You
disengage as
quickly and elegantly as you can manage, and unfurl your new body like a
cat stretching after a nap. Those dark eyes continue to watch you. You
wonder if he understands what you were doing, or why? What's going on
behind that steady gaze?
"I
told them everything I know," he says, and his face is
twisted, as if that
really upsets him.
"Well
you don't fucking know anything so that's okay," you reply shortly,
unwilling to indulge him in some tedious melodrama of
self-pity.
He
grunts, and manages a faded grin. "Well, I pieced together
some of it, but
nothing they don't know already," he
murmurs.
"That's why we never fucking explained anything to
anyone," you explain to
him, relieved that there isn't going to be some big emotional scene.
"Christ, Mulder was the worst. Always pushing and fretting
and worrying
away at the truth and never coming anywhere near it." You
stretch out your body, enjoying its feeling of wholeness, as you always
do, even knowing that they'll come along and destroy it again all too
soon. You glance down at him and then feel a moment's genuine
pity for the
man. He's in much worse shape than you. They might have given him
something to drink when they were drugging him, but he's clearly on his
last legs. There are huge dark circles under his eyes, and his skin is
almost gray in hue. You can see his ribs sticking out painfully through
the remains of his shirthe's starving to death, slowly but surely, and
that at least is a death you've been spared so far. Your deaths
might have
been painful, but at least they weren't this long and drawn
out. It occurs
to you for the first time that he might need comfort too, but even as you
think it you know you won't be able to provide it. Not you. It isn't in
your nature. If you're never loved then you never learn how to love in
return. Like a feral cat that never becomes fully tamed if it
doesn't have
contact with humans during the first few weeks of its lifethat's you.
You're untrained, undomesticatedyou'd rather bite the hand of
friendship than let it stroke your head... or at least that's what you
thought until you insinuated yourself into his drugged arms
today.
That
thought brings you up short, but you're swiftly distracted by the opening
of the door, and then you're screaming, shouting and hollering as you
always do when they come for you because you will never, ever go easily
into that interrogation room, no matter how futile the struggle might be.
Before long you're being carried bodily out of the cell and
he's scrunched
up in the grasp of a pair of long tentacles, being hauled along behind
you.
The
interrogation room is exactly the samein fact the whole nightmare
scenario is unchanged, with that gang of locusts salivating along the far
wall as if they've never left the place between questioning sessions.
However, this time there is a difference, and you're so busy hollering
that you don't even notice it for a few minutesnot until you find
yourself pushed against the wall, and something cold, and yet alive,
tentacle shaped, wrapped around your chest, holding you in place. Your
heart freezes inside you as he's pushed into the centre of the room,
towards the interrogation table, and he struggles the way you were
struggling a few minutes previously but there's no respite. The bounty
hunter is already waiting by the head of the table, that malicious grin
fixed on his granite face. Skinner baulks as he's shoved even closer to
his inevitable fate, and one of the aliens flashes out a long,
almost lazy
tentacle, which whips through his flesh like a razor, creating a long
streak of blood down his back. He gives an outraged roar and, turning,
manages to free his hand enough to sink a punch into the bounty hunter's
stomach, making the bastard fall to the ground. The aliens get ugly, and
instead of strapping him to the table, they decide to start the
interrogation with him standing where he is. Two of the ones who brought
us here flash out those tentacles, over and over again, and you know from
experience that it's worse than the most vicious steel-tipped whip. He
screams like an animal caught in a trap as they gouge into his flesh,
tearing great strips of it away from his body... and you know you
should feel
some reaction, some pity at the sight of him being hurt like
this, but the
only thing you feel, evil fucking bastard that you are, is reliefand
gratitude that it isn't you.
The
bounty hunter recovers enough to give his usual short list of questions
but Skinner is now so torn to shreds by the aliens that he's practically
unconscious before it begins. Realising they'll get nothing
from him as he
is, they cut the session short and you're taken back to the cell. They
throw you inside, and for the first time after one of these sessions you
aren't bruised and bleeding. They throw him in after you and he most
definitely is. You sit on your haunches, arms clasped around your knees,
glaring at him for a long time because now you're feeling incredibly
guilty about your selfish reaction to his plight earlier. He doesn't know
any of this thoughhe just lies there, groaning softly to himself, his
eyes wide open and fixed on the Earth as it shines just out of reach
through the tiny window.
A
little while later, much to your own surprise, the aliens
return with food
and wateronly it isn't for him. It's for you. You have no idea why
they're suddenly feeding youthey have fed you before but some time
back, when it all first began, and you've long since stopped second
guessing why they do anything anywaylike bringing Skinner
onboard. You chew into a lump of bread, and swallow some of the water,
still sitting on your haunches, watching him. It feels amazing to eat
again after all this time and the flavours are so overwhelming that you
salivate almost painfully. You fight an internal battle with
yourself, but
in the end some side of yourself you didn't know existed wins
out, and you
save half of what they've given you, and take it over to where he's lying
on the floor. It's probably a waste to give it to him. They'll probably
come and take him soon and whip him to death, and then he'll be
reborn and
you'll have given up your valuable supply of food for nothing. You know
that logically it's a total waste of time giving it to him, you do
know that, but you do it anyway. You go and crouch beside him and he
reminds you of a story you read as a kid, about a veterinary surgeon
tending to a dying, much loved horse, and how the noble animal lifted its
head and gazed at the man with pained brown eyes, not flinching even when
the vet placed a gun against his head and pulled the trigger to put the
animal out of its misery. You were impressed by that story as a childyou wanted to be a vet back then, back when you thought you'd even have a
choice about what you would be. Skinner looks like that horse
nowhe has
that same tragic, unflinching gaze, and it touches something deep inside
you. He's too weak to drink, so you tear off the rest of his shirt, which
is just a small strip of fabric anyway, and soak it in the
water. Then you
place it in his mouth so he can absorb the moisture. He doesn't say
anything, doesn't move, just lies there, breathing slowly but
heavily, his
chest rising and falling painfully, wheezing with the effort of just
staying alive. The water works wonders though, and by the time you've
managed to get it all down him he's recovered enough to move his head.
He'll need to sit in order to eat the bread and you gaze at the mess of
his body, wondering which bit of it you can touch to get him sitting
without hurting him. His skin has literally been flayed from his bodysome of those tentacle cuts are so deep they've ripped down to bone, and
the wounds are already swollen and starting to look infected.
You wish you
could bathe them, but the water was more useful inside
him.
You
crouch even closer to him, and gaze at him
intently.
"Walteryou need to sit up and eat. I can drag you but
it'll hurt, or
you can try yourself. What do you want to do?"
He gazes at you for awhile, and there's just the faintest hint
of surprise
in his eyesmaybe he didn't expect you to care for him the way he cared
for you, and, to be honest, you're a bit surprised by that
yourself.
"I'll... " The word is so hoarsely whispered as to be
almost inaudible, and
you bend your head down to his lips. "Sit... help me... "
he whispers, and you
nod. He can't do it on his own, so you have no choice. You put your hands
under his arms, look into his eyes, and start counting.
"One, two... " On the
beat of three you haul him into a sitting position and he cries out
involuntarily from the pain of movement, but at least he's up... although he
won't stay there without help. He's a foot away from the wallnot close
enough to lean against it, so you sit behind him and let him lean against
you instead. His head lolls on your shoulder, and you rip the bread into
tiny pieces and put a morsel into his mouth. He chews
interminably, and it
strikes you that he's too weak and his mouth is too dry to be able to
swallow it. You think about this for a moment, and then figure out what
you have to do. You put a square of the bread in your mouth, suck on it
for a moment, and then transfer the soggy morsel into his mouth
where he's
able to swallow it down without so much trouble. You do this until the
food has gone, and then you both just lie there. He's in too much pain to
move and you're still winded from all that's happened.
It
feels weird, awkward, to be sitting here like this, holding him, but
nothing could pry you away right now except for those bastards coming to
drag you back for more torture and you're not even sure that you'd let
them take you without forcing them to kill you in the struggle. His
breathing is laboured and you know he must be in great pain,
and suddenly,
and this surprises you so much that your own breathing hitches as well,
you feel a wave of the most enormous compassion for him. It's
like a flood
barrier breaking down and it flows in all at once, overwhelming you with
its force. You always wanted to care for someone, back when you were a
kid, when it wasn't too late, when you still harboured
lame-assed hopes of
being a vet so that you could look after injured kittens or
whatever. When
you were a kid you longed for something to take care of, maybe to
construct a fantasy of the kind of care you'd have liked to have received
yourself, but it goes without saying that no pets of any kind
were allowed
for Consortium bred kids. Now you have somethingsomeonethat needs
you, for the first time in your life, and it amazes the hell out of you
how powerful that feeling is. You hug him close, but infinitely gently,
your lips grazing his head, not even caring if he knows and then it
strikes you just what a total fucking bastard you
are.
"I'm
sorry," you whisper, no longer ashamed at the tears that
are pricking the
back of your eyes again. Dying so many times has stripped the
artifice out
of everything. You don't care about that shit any more. He
raises his head
a fraction to look at you, and you bite down hard on your lip.
"About what
I did to you. The nanocytes. I'm sorry. You know... when I was doing it, I
didn't feel a fucking thing. I could have kept on pumping that shit
through your veins without a second thought but now... " You
shake your head
and look away. "I'm so sorry," you whisper again,
amazed not only that
you're telling him, but also by how completely genuine your
remorse is.
He
gives the faintest hint of a smile, and shakes his head a little, those
dark eyes full of something, but you're not sure
what.
"S'okay,"
he mutters but you know that forgiveness is not so easily given
and cannot
be so easily received. He's saying it because of the situation
you're both
in right nowyou haven't earned that forgiveness yet.
"Must be... " He
pauses, running his tongue over his dry cracked lips, and you bend your
head to hear him, "... hard to treat anyone else as a human
being... when you've
never been treated that way yourself," he whispers
hoarsely, and you're
struck dumb for a moment by his insight into your soul. He's a better man
than you ever were, in any of your lives, no matter what you've suffered
to protect that planet down there.
You
hold him even more closely, humming softly as you both gaze out of the
window at the Earth, far below. His weight is comforting on your body and
he's warm and all too human and solid, and at some point during the next
few hours he dies, silently, in your arms. You don't even feel
him go. One
minute those dark eyes are open, and his breath is rasping in his throat,
his chest struggling with the effort, and the next he's dead.
Last time he
died you killed him by flooding his veins with carbon, and boy it felt
good to have the power of life or death over someone, the way the
Consortium always had the power of life or death over you your entire
life. This time... this time it's different. You feel more alone that you've
ever felt in your life, and you hold his dead body against your chest and
sob like a snot-faced kid, your tears washing streaks down his grimy
cheeks, leaving little rivulets of clean flesh in their wake.
You've
cried yourself into an exhausted sleep by the time the door opens next.
The aliens whir and hiss over his body for a moment, clearly a bit
disappointed to be deprived of killing him themselves, and then they drag
his body from the room. You lie there, too dispirited to even move. Now
you're more alone than you ever were before, because before you didn't
know what it was like not to be aloneyou've been alone all your life
after allbut while he was here you had a glimpse of what it
might be to
share something with another person, to care for another person and have
them take care of you, and that loss is what bites deep. With it comes
another thought that feels like an ice-cold hand closing around
your heart
supposing they don't resurrect him? You assumed they would because they
resurrected you, but supposing they don't? He's little use to them after
allhe knows nothing and you still have no idea why they even brought
him here. Supposing this is it? It's just you, facing all those deaths
again without him here as company? Just the thought of it makes you go a
little insane and you get up and crash around the cell, throwing yourself
against the walls so hard that you actually create a few bruises on your
new, pink body, despite the padding. You're screaming and yelling and
wailing like a crazed mourner at a wake and this goes on for so
many hours
that by the end you're almost hoarse. Finally, exhausted, you crawl over
to what remains of his shirt, grab it in both of your fists, then lie
there, just trying to find some faint trace of the scent of the
man.
You're
still lying there, several hours later, when the door opens. You gaze up,
blearily eyed and confused, and your heart leaps and thuds in your chest
as you see him standing there. The door shuts behind him and he's staring
down at his body with a look of stunned amazement in his eyes. His beard
has gone, and so too has the ugly torn flesh on his body. He's nakedthey must have stripped his pants off him before they threw him into the
tankand his entire body looks just like yourspink and perfect and
newborn, like a baby's skin; too perfect, too clean, and too soft. Gone
are the old scars you noticed earlier on his abdomenhe's newly minted
and he can hardly believe how good he feels.
"Christ... this is... " He holds his hands out wide,
utterly bewildered and yet
with that same sense of joy that you felt when it happened to you the
first time.
"Feels
good, huh?" You grin, getting up and running over to him.
You stop when
you get closehe isn't wounded now, and somehow that means you don't
have the right to touch him any more, even though you want to.
"Good?
It's fucking great, boy," he laughs and you decide that
you like it when
he calls you 'boy', although you hated it when he called you that a few
years back, just prior to sinking his fist in your stomach. Then it was a
scathing term, a way of putting you in your place, as if you were a bug
hardly worthy of his attention, something young and stupid to be squashed
without a second thought, but now... now it just seems
affectionate. "Woohoo!"
He spreads his arms and begins to run around the room, ducking his head
slightly because of the low ceiling. You stare at him, bemused, for a
second, and then laugh out loudhis delight is infectious and there's
been little enough to enjoy in here after all. You have to make the most
of the little things, like getting a new body, and not think about what
they're probably going to do to that brand new flesh all too soon. He
swoops and roars around you, and you know that the loud guffaw hides a
hint of all too human desperation but you don't care. Instead you spread
your own arms and join him in airplaning around the room, both of you
whooping like school kids. You wonder how ridiculous you must look, two
naked men prancing around this white cell, laughing manically, but you
don't really give a shitnobody's watching after all, except maybe the
aliens and you hope it's really pissing them off.
He
comes to a halt, out of breath, and throws himself down on the
floor in an
exhausted heap, and, laughingly, you throw yourself down beside him. You
lie there, head touching his shoulder, both of you getting your breath
back and then he leans over and touches your arm thoughtfully.
"Did they torture you again?" He asks, and you glance
down at the bruise
on your skin.
"No,"
you admit, shame faced. "When you died... I thought you might
not be coming
back. I didn't know whether they'd resurrect you or not. I went a little
crazythrew myself around the place. I missed you," you admit,
painfully, and it makes your chest hurt just thinking about
it.
"Alex... " he begins but you interrupt
him.
"Nobody ever cared before," you mutter, wanting to
tell him this even
though it's so difficult, because who knows when they might
kill either of
you for good and you want him to know before they decide to do just that.
"When those Russian peasants cut off my arm in that damn
forestthey
just left me there. I found a way home by pure chance. I survived that,
the way I survived every fucking thing, but there was never anybody who
cared what happened to me until you showed up here. Then... when they were
torturing you... I just felt relieved, Walter. I felt relieved
that they were
hurting you and not me." You gaze at him despairingly, and
he takes a deep
breath, and sighs.
"Alex,
they killed you over and over again in that room, god knows how many
times. It's an understandable reaction, I guess," he says,
although you're
not sure he believes thatmaybe he's just trying to make you feel
better.
"I
felt bad about that. I felt bad about you. You took care of me... so I took
care of you... and then I started feeling all this shit I've never felt
before... and then I missed you. I fucking missed you,
Walter."
"You're alone up hereit's hardly surprising." He
gives a faint smile.
"You're only human," he adds and you stiffen and
shrug. Not quite,
Walter. Not quite. You can't think of anything to say, so you blurt
out the most ridiculous comment that comes to
mind.
"When
I was a kid I wanted to be a vet, Walter," you tell him. He looks
surprised by the change of conversation, but you plough on regardless.
"They brought us up in a long, white dormitory. I was one
of 5 other boys
in my 'set'. They called us a 'set'. We never had anything that was our
own... everything was communal. I wanted one thing to take care of, Walter.
One thing that was mine, and I never had a damn thing."
He nods, slowly, as if pondering this and then reaches out and
puts a hand
on your shoulder.
"I
grew up on a farm. We had a ton of things to take care of. I used to wake
up on Saturday and beg my dad not to make me get out bed and
help with the
livestock. He'd just shrug and tell me that the animals depended on us,
just as we depended on them for our livelihood, and the way he put it I
never felt I had a choice, so I'd get up and trudge around after him,
hating him, and the animals, and the whole damn world."
He
chuckles at the memory and it feels so good and downright normal that
you're fascinated. You lean in closer, hoping he won't notice how close,
or if he does that he won't push you away, and he doesn't. You both lie
back and look at the ceiling, your head resting on his shoulder, and you
ask him a hundred questions about his childhood, and the farm, that he
laughs and tells you to slow down. You like the sound of his laugh,
pealing and billowing out from deep inside his chest. You like the sound
of it reverberating against your cheek. Even up here, in the midst of all
this, he can still laugh at something as simple as a memory.
Slowly, oh so slowly, you swap life stories. His upbringing
wasn't all the
bed of roses, the fantasy childhood that you imagine all non-Consortium
bred people have experienced. His family were dirt poor and his
mother was
unstable, always on the verge of a breakdown that left the whole house
wary of her emotional state. His father was a dour, hard-working man, who
loved his son but didn't have many ways of showing it. You tell him more
about the other boys in your set, and the way they made you compete
against each other for the respect of the Consortium and he tells you how
when he was 5 years old, his mom snapped and threw all the dishes in the
kitchen against the wall until there wasn't a plate in the house left
un-smashed, and how he watched from behind the dresser,
wondering if she'd
throw him against the wall and smash him too.
"Shit," you comment after listening to this story.
"You know, I always
envied Mulder his Mom and Dad and I hated him for them too, but maybe
having parents isn't so fucking great a deal after all."
You grin at him
and he grins back, shaking his head slowly.
"Mulder had a very difficult relationship with his
parents," he tells you.
"Families are complicated, Alexthey aren't all sunshine
and blue skies.
Some of my childhood was great and some was shittyI guess most people
feel like that though."
"Maybe," you concede, and you remember how you used
to enjoy the company
of one of the other boys in your 'set' and how you created a vivid
imaginary world between you when you were seven years old. You
wonder what
happened to him, and whether he still remembers that
too.
And
then, just when you're getting so lost in his stories, and in
telling your
own that you almost forget where you are, and why, the door opens again,
almost taking you by surprise.
This time, they manage to strap him down to the interrogation table, and
you close your eyes when they torture him so you don't see the worst of
it, although you can't block out the terrible sound of his screams. You
find yourself screaming with him, over and over again:
"He doesn't know anything! He doesn't fucking know!"
you screech and when
you open your eyes the bounty hunter is standing over you, grinning away
to himself.
"No,
we know that," he says. "But you do. Tell us what we
want to know and
we'll stop torturing him."
And
your whole world falls apart once more.
It's
easy to decide something for yourself, to decide what you can and can't
take, and what you will and won't surrender in order to save yourselfmuch, much harder to make that decision about someone else. And it's made
even worse by the fact that you know what he's going through because
you've been there and experienced it yourself. Was that their plan all
along? To bring him here and make you care about him? And if so, why did
they choose him? They surely knew he was the one who killed you in the
first place. On the other handwho would they have been able
to find who
you cared about? There's nobody on Earth that you care about and if you
didn't care about him when he arrived, somehow along the way you learned
to. So what now? Does it change anything? Does it shit. Except that it
makes it much harder to bear what they're doing.
"Don't
tell them a fucking thing, Alex!" He screams, and you
weren't going to
anyway but you feel a little bit better knowing he isn't asking
you to.
You
close your ears to his screams, hating yourself, hating the aliens, and
hating the whole damn world, and when they throw you back into the cell,
with his sweaty, bleeding, broken body, you don't hesitate. You take him
in your arms and hold him tight, whispering to him, and kissing his head.
You nurse him through the next few days of torture sessions.
They take him
to the brink but don't push him over, and each time, when they're done,
you hold him and feed him half your own food and drink, and he hangs on,
those dark eyes of his boring into your soul, making you examine your
decision a hundred times or more a day only to come to the same
conclusion
each time.
Something happens during those long, dark sessions listening to him
scream. At some point you cross a linenow you no longer feel
relief and
gratitude that it isn't you. Now you'd rather been suffering
the pain than
watching and listening to him suffering it, knowing his fate is in your
hands, knowing you could stop the torture at any point just by telling
them what they want to know. At the back of your mind is always the same
thoughtsupposing the next time they kill him they don't return him to
life? Supposing they figure out this isn't working and sling his body out
of the airlock? Supposing you end up alone again? And you know
that's just
as fucking selfish as your earlier relief, because at least that way he'd
be spared all this, but you can't help it all the same.
Then
it happens. His body gives out under the torture and he dies.
You hear his
last gasping breath, listen to it gurgling in his chest,
rattling with the
effort of trying to live, and then he's gone once more. You don't scream
this time, you just weep, silently, manacled to the wall, and then watch
as they un-strap him and cart him off before coming back for you and
returning you to your cell where you're left alone once more with your
dark thoughts. You curse him for making you care about him,
when by rights
you should be enemies, as you once were. He killed you. You trace your
smooth forehead with your fingers. He killed you and now you would do
anything to have him back, lying in your arms again. Fate is a fucking
ironic bastard.
You're
not sure how many hours pass but it seems too long and
eventually you know
that this time he's gone for good, and you long for the refuge of
insanity, so that you don't have to feel anything any more. If not
insanity, then a return to your old, numbed state of being, when nothing
truly mattered to you because the Consortium bred little automatons,
emotionally crippled children who they turned into feral, emotionless
adults, expressly designed to do their master's bidding. You're curled up
tight in a ball when the door opens and you wonder at first if it's an
illusionthis whole nightmare has taken on an aspect of unreality and
for a second you just gaze at him stupidly and then you're acting on pure
emotion, no conscious thought involved at all, as you run across the cell
and hug him tight. He returns that hug, and, when you finally
release him,
you find your head angling in and then your lips are on his and you're
kissing him hard. He stands still for a second but then, finally, he
responds. His hands clasp your buttocks and he returns your kiss,
forcefully, powerfully, strong in his new body, his muscles rippling
beneath his flesh.
"I'm
sorry," you say, when you draw back, and you flinch,
trying to guess what
his reaction will be to your impulsiveness.
"Alex... don't... " he whispers hoarsely, and his hand
comes up and brushes your
cheek. "You're all that's keeping me sane in here."
"It's not just that... " You pause, and
consider it. "It's not just
that we've been thrown together like this, that we're trapped in this
intolerable situation. I've never known anyone else the way I know younever got to know anyone, never got to care. I don't know how much longer
I can keep watching them torture you, Walter."
"Alex. You must," he says firmly, his hand still
caressing your cheek.
"There's too much at stake. I can take it. Even if one day
I tell you I
can'tjust ignore me. It'll be the pain talking. At some
point they have
to give up. They can't keep doing this forever, can they?"
You bite on your lip.
"They have the time, Walter. Nothing's going to happen
until 2012that's
how long their preparations will take them. They could keep this up for
another ten years."
He stares at you, horror in his eyes, and then he grabs you again and
holds you tight against that broad chest. "I don't fucking
care how long
it takes, Alex. Don't tell them what they want to know. We'll get through
this. Somehow. We already have."
He's such a fucking amazing man, and yet he doesn't know
fucking shit. You
love him for it as much as you despair, because he isn't the one with the
knowledge locked up inside his brain and he isn't the one
watching someone
he loves being tortured to death over and over again. Love.
Shit. That's a
big word and one you've never used before. To avoid thinking about it you
throw yourself at him again and you're acting on impulse as you nuzzle
your way down his neck and chest to his nipples and circle them lazily
with your tongue. He moans and places his hands on your head, and you
smile and glance up at him.
"Walter, they can hurt you, but I can make you feel good.
Will you let me
do that?"
Realisation floods into his eyes. He looks at you for a long moment and
then nods. You're not even sure if this is about sex as you go down on
your knees and take his warm, ripe, newborn cock in your mouth. You think
that maybe it isn't and maybe it is. You sure as hell find him attractive
but sex isn't exactly a pressing concern up here, in this situation. On
the other hand, sex can be revenge on those bastards who are keeping you
here. They can have your pain and his, but they can't take your pleasure
from youyou can give that to each other and it's the one thing they
can't regulate, or deny you, for as long as you share this
cell. You think
he understands that too, because he gives a throaty little growl and his
hand twines in your hair. You smile, and go about your task eagerly. This
isn't the first time for you and you wonder if it's the first time for
him. It is the first time you've ever done this for someone you loved
though, and that makes one hell of a differenceand one you hadn't
expected. You enjoy it too much for a start, and you think, as he comes
with a gasp in the back of your throat, that maybe he did too.
"Thank
you, Alex," he says and you get to your feet and wrap
yourself around him
again.
"Each
time you die I wonder if they'll bring you back," you
whisper. "And I
wonder what will happen to me if they don't because I don't think I could
stand it here without you, Walter."
He nods, the pain showing in his eyes but there's nothing
either you or he
can do about it, so he just holds you, rocking you gently in his arms.
Then he lowers his head to kiss you again and this time it's so
gentle and
loving that you surrender yourself to it body and soul, loving the many
tastes of him, loving the way his hands always find your butt when he's
exploring your mouth with his tongue, and it feels so real, so
human, that
you can almost forget that you never once experienced anything like this
when you lived down on that planet you're both trying so hard
to save. Not
once. You never once kissed someone you loved before. Not a parent, not a
child, not a lovernot even a goddamn pet, and you never knew in that
previous lifetime, that hazy lifetime that only seems half real to you
now, you never knew what you were missing.
When
you break apart, he sits on the floor, gasping a little for breath but
grinning at you all the same.
"Who
the fuck thought that would happen?" You comment, sitting
down beside
him.
"Yeah." He grins and you rest against him, needing to
be close. "You
remind me of someone I once knew," he says, putting a big
arm around you,
circling you protectively.
"Who?" You look up, too eagerly, and he laughs at you.
"Francis Capelli. He was this kid in 'Nam... " He pauses
and you settle in
against him, longing for another long session of storytelling to lose
yourself in, before they come and begin it all again. "He
was a good kid,"
Walter says, his grin fading. "But not popularyou know
how there's
always one who's a bit different? That was Francis. He could fight well
enough but he never fit in with the unit and so the other guys started
picking on him. It was just little stuff at first, but as the tensions of
the situation out there got to us more and more, it got worse.
It was easy
I guessFrancis didn't take drugs, he didn't go out
whoring... you'd always
find him sitting on his own, reading, his glasses perched on the end of
his long, thin nose. When I joined the unit, I'm ashamed to admit that I
took my cue from the other menI didn't bully him the
way they did, but
I wasn't that nice to him either. He was the unit's scapegoat. Everything
that went wrong, we blamed on him, whether it had anything to do with him
or not, and he just took it. I guess there wasn't much he could do about
it and I have no idea how he feltit must have been terrible
for him. At
some point I started to feel sorry for him. He had that look my
mom had in
her eyes sometimes, a look of resignation and despair that troubled me.
So, I took the time to get to know him, started talking to him instead of
alternately ignoring and jeering at him like the other guys did. And you
know, he was the most interesting person in the unit. He had
read so much,
had an opinion on most things, but didn't shoot his mouth off like the
louder guys in the unit. He had thought deeply as well, he knew shit that
I didn't even know existed. He was still an oddball, but he had this sly
sense of humour that made me laughI mean really laugh. I used to belly
laugh talking to Francis." His voice fades and you look up
to find him
staring wistfully into space. "You know, back then I used
to think 'Nam
was the worst hellhole I'd ever experience in my life, but that
was before
this. Francis made it bearableI never laughed before or
since the way I
laughed with him."
"And I remind you of him?" You frown.
"Yes.
You're the one nobody ever got to know, who turns out to be more
interesting than anyone would ever have guessedand just as
Francis kept
me sane in Vietnam, you're keeping me sane up here,
Alex."
"What
happened to him?" You ask, and he shrugs, and you know
this memory is
still painful to him even after all this time and all he's suffered
since.
"He
died. They all did. My entire unit was wiped out in 'Nam,"
he murmurs
softly. "Francis and I had a pactif either of us didn't
make it but the
other one did, we promised we'd visit each other's family and take a meal
with them, in remembrance. Francis's family were the kindest, gentlest
people. They asked me all about his time in 'Nam and I lied. I told them
how popular he was, how everyone appreciated his good humour
but the truth
is that he had a terrible time in ëNam not just because of the conflict
but because of the way he was treated by his own people... and nobody but me
ever really got to know him."
"It was a kind lie," you shrug and he nods.
There's silence between you for a long time, and then, out of the blue,
you find yourself speaking.
"Walter, I love you," you tell him hazily, and he
shifts a bit and gives a
pained smile.
"Yes,"
he says and then there's a long pause. "I know," he
adds, and he squeezes
your shoulder thoughtfully. Somehow, that's more comforting and
reassuring
than if he'd replied in kind, and said he loved you too, and you're
grateful as hell you got that off your chest. You lie there, wrapped up
against him for a long time, just enjoying the moment, and for a little
while you're actually happy, and then the door opens and the nightmare
begins all over again.
There
are times in the next few days when that new-found love of
yours is tested
to the limits. The torture is as unrelenting as ever, and you're not sure
that either of you can take much more of it. You nurse him, kiss him, and
tend him as always, and he never once complains, or looks at you in
reproach for failing to stop them with the information you have locked up
in your mind. Sometimes, when he's feeling really bad, you take his cock
gently in your mouth and just hold it there. It isn't even a sex thing,
more a comfort thingas much for you as for him as it calms
both of you,
connects you on some fundamental level that the aliens can never breach,
no matter how much of your dignity they try to strip away from
you.
You
lose count of the times you watch him screaming in agony as they tear his
limbs from his body, or cut into his chest, or any of the number of ways
they hurt him. You now have a permanent red bruise across your chest and
arms and waist where you've fought against those manacles, struggled
mindlessly, crazy with grief as they hurt him beyond anybody's endurance.
You've seen the look of total despair in those dark eyes of his, at the
same time tempered with that terrible stoicism, the grim look
of a man who
will bear everything to save a world. His body, his beautiful body, is
carved into more times than you can begin to count, and you
wonder whether
either of you will be able to stay saneand then it's over, and he's
dead again.
This
time, you grab him the moment he's thrown back into the cell, and that's
when you and he renew this strange bond that's grown up between you. You
run at him, needing to make love, to consume, to be part of
him, to escape
with him from this nightmare, but he stops you.
"No... let me," he whispers, taking your hand away from where it's hungrily
pumping his cock. "Here... " He holds you lightly in his arms and drops a
kiss on your lips and you push up hungrily for more. "No... like this... " he
whispers, sinking to the floor of the cell, pulling you slowly after him.
You wonder what this is about, this unhurried pace, and the way he stops
you when you go too fast, too eager. He makes love to you for hours, in
every single possible way... and he makes love slowly, and then you begin to
understand that he wants the good times to last for hours to
counterbalance all the bad times. You've never known such gentle
lovemakingso slow, and languorous, as you both take a lifetime
exploring each other's bodies, sucking and fondling and caressing. It's
never harsh, or explosive, or violentthat would be too much like what
those bastard aliens are doing to you. You learn what it can be like to
make love, as opposed to having quick, raw, violent sex. This feels so
new, that you are lost in wonderment and you learn every single slow,
tender stroke and lick from him, every lazy thrust, every burning caress,
following his lead. Whenever you touch him, or he touches you,
it's with a
careful respect and tenderness that sometimes brings tears to your
eyes... and you sense that this is his rebellion, the only riposte he can
make to them through all the dying and torture. This is what it means
to be human, he seems to be saying, as those dark eyes of his glow at
you when he leans his head forward to gently kiss your cheek and lips and
neck. This is what we arenot the suffering, screaming
lumps of flesh
you turn us into in that torture room, but this... and what we are is
beautiful. He conveys all this with a touch of his broad
thumb on your
collarbone, and the lightest whisper of a kiss on your nipples. It's in
the way he treats your body as if it's the most precious thing in the
world to him, to be cherished and loved and taken care ofand you were
never more in love with him than you are now, lost in the scent and feel
of him, lost in his kindness, connected, more than anything else, to his
shining humanity.
You
make love for what feels like an eternity, both of you pleasuring each
other over and over again, because this is the only pleasure on offer up
here, and you're determined to show those bastards they don't own you,
that you're still able to have control over this tiny aspect of your
lives, and when you're both spent, he rolls back on top of you and coaxes
one more climax out of your sated body, and you're stunned by the look in
those dark eyes as he worksthis is his revenge on the
creatures keeping
us here and hurting us like this. It's the only revenge he has, and he's
enjoying it for all he's worth.
After
that first long session he rolls onto his back, all sweaty from sex, and
lets out a loud roar that emanates from deep inside his chest. You stare
at him, alarmed, but it isn't aimed at youit's for their
benefithe's
like a silverback gorilla, roaring out his sheer defiance, and it makes
you laugh out loud. Just when you think you've got to know him, when he's
told you and shown you everything he is, he surprises you like this and
you love that about him too. He turns back to you and gathers you to him,
and you see yourself reflected in his eyes. Your beard is thick and dark,
your body bruised from their manacles, and your eyes are hauntedbut
you're glowing, coated in sweat and semen and glistening with the joy of
being connected to this man. Your enemy. Your lover. The man who killed
you first... and the only person you've ever loved in all your
lifetimes.
Surprisingly, considering how many other topics you cover
during your time
in this stark, white cell, you never once talk about sex. You never ask
him and he doesn't tell you, whether he's had any previous male lovers,
and you don't tell him about yours. He does tell you about Sharon and you
tell him about Marita, but you don't speak of other men. Maybe
because you
don't want to hear he's had other male lovers or maybe because it isn't
relevant, because it's nothing compared to what the two of you have found
up here, in this most unlikely of places.
Time
grows more and more meaningless, locked up in this unreal little world.
His stories, his tenderness, his intelligence and his sheer blinding
humanity stop surprising you, but you never stop being surprised by
yourself. You wait for it to endto find him boring, to resent the hold
he exerts over what was once the stony ground of your heart
that somewhere
along the way threw up tender green shoots. At some point you expect the
magic enchantment that seems to have enveloped you to wear off, but if
anything it just grows stronger. With him you can be yourself, and that's
something you've never been before, in all your years as a Consortium
double agent, spy, assassin and god knows what else. With him, you truly
are newborn. There's no need for pretence because up here there's nobody
to judge you and nothing to hide. It's a two way streetand you
understand him in way you never could have imagined understanding anyone
before. And the terrible price you pay for that intimacy is the agony you
experience every time you watch them torturing him, and every time you
watch him die.
For
the first few times, you're both so defiant; the connection you share
during love-making and the sense of rebellion it gives you makes you both
strong. He roars his way to his deaths 7, 8, 9, 10 times... but slowly,
surely, you notice a change in him. The first time his newborn cock fails
to respond to your loving ministrations when he's returned to the cell he
dismisses it with a gentle, weary smile, lies down with you and
makes love
to you with his mouth and hands instead, but you note that he remains
un-aroused himself. His erections become fewer and fewer, but
they're just
a symptom of what you see in his eyes. Slowly, right in front of you, he
fades. He's been tortured, died, and resurrected more times than you
endured it, and you remember how close you felt to insanity when it was
happening to you.
"Walter... please, talk to me," you implore, when you're
both returned to the
cell after one of their torture sessions. His body is covered
in lacerated
wounds and he lies on the floor and gazes out of the window, those dark
eyes of his distant, and lost. He no longer talks as much as he used tohe sleeps for longer, and even when newborn there seem to be dark shadows
under his eyes and even darker ones within them. He doesn't reply to your
entreaty, not, you think, because he doesn't want to, but because he
hasn't heard you. "Walter?" You kneel by his side,
and gently touch his
shoulder. He turns his head, slowly, towards you as if moving
from a great
distance.
"Hmm? Alex?" He smiles at you and reaches out a hand
to softly brush your
long hair from your face. Your hair now reaches to your
shoulders and your
beard is bushy and unkempt. You're not surprised he doesn't find you
attractive any more.
"Walter... please... " you whisper. "What's happening?"
"Happening?" He struggles to focus on you, his eyes
still distant and
faraway. "Alex... I'm so tired. I want to... escape," he
murmurs.
"Walter there's no way... " you begin. You talked about
escape incessantly
during his first few lifetimes, fantasised about it, planned it, even
tried it on more than one occasion, suffering the inevitable
consequences... you both know it's impossible. The realisation of what he's
saying sinks in and you crouch there, disconsolate, beside
him.
"Walter... please don't leave me," you whisper. He
smiles and struggles to
sit.
"Alex... I'm sorry. Sometimes... I can't help it... I just find
myself going to a
place in my mind where I can hide," he
murmurs.
"You
used to be able to hide in me," you tell him, stroking his
arm gently,
trying to remind him.
"I
know... but now... sometimes if I find my mind just wanders, I find
that I'm not
here... and when that happens... I can escape the pain, escape all of
it... " His
voice breaks just a little.
"I'm
sorry... I'm being selfish. Walter, if you need that refuge, then
take it,"
you tell him, because you understand all too well how he
feels.
"No... I'll try to stay... " His dark eyes flash and you
can visibly see him
willing himself to hold on. "Damn it... I'll try." He looks angrybut with
himself, not you, and much as he wants to stay in the moment, you don't
think he really has much choice in the matter. They've damaged him too
muchhuman beings weren't built for this kind of abuse. "I'm sorry,
Alex. I'll try harder. I'll fight it." His face crumples in frustration
and you can see how hard this is for him. He doesn't want to
leave you but
it's not a decision he's making by how own choicehis body is making it
for him and that distresses him. He's always been so in control
of his own
emotions, even if not his circumstances.
"Walter... " You gather him up as carefully as you can,
and hug him tightly.
"Let's talk. Tell me about Sharon... about Mulder... tell me
about anything."
You just want to hear him talk, to be reassured that it's okay, that he
hasn't left you, but you know his grasp on the situation is slipping and
that at some point he'll drift into madness. You know because
it so nearly
happened to you before he arrived and because you feel sure it
will happen
to him if he disappears into the darkness inside his own mind.
"You talk." He smiles, tiredly. "I'll listen."
"Walter, do you remember the first time I told you that I
love you?" you
ask him, wondering how long ago that declaration was. You've said it many
times since.
"Yes... I remember." He smiles again, and manages to
stroke your arm where
it's holding him.
"Do you remember your reply? You said 'I know'. At the
time I found that
reassuring... but all the times I've said it since, your reply is always the
same. Walter... I need to know... before you leave me... is it just companionship,
just the situation... or could you, could we... if we were back down on
Earth... could you and I be lovers there too?"
You
ask it falteringly, but you need to know. He thinks about it for so long
that you wonder if it might be too late, and he might already have left
you, but then he looks up and you see he's still there, those dark eyes
still hanging on to some semblance of himself.
"Alex... I wouldn't be so cruel as to give you the answer to
that question,"
he says, in a low, deeply anguished tone. You feel your heart
plummet, and
draw back from him. You could kick yourself for being so
fucking stupid as
to think that he'd give a shit about you in any other circumstance than
this. You're Alex the Consortium freak, Alex the not-quite
human, Alex who
put nanobots in his bloodstream and enjoyed pressing the button that
activated them. You're Alex, his old torturerhow different
are you from
his current tormentors? "No... " His hand brushes
against your arm again,
more urgently, despite his weakened condition, and you look down into his
eyes to see yourself reflected back, your pain written all over
your face.
"No," he says again, and that's when it becomes so
blindingly obvious that
you feel it like a physical kick to the stomach.
"Oh... oh
shit... " You wrap your arms around him again, and rock him
against your
chest. That sleek head of his is thrown back, and his dark eyes
devour you
as you hold him to you, like a child, loving him even more now, just like
he didn't want you to. No, he never replied to your many declarations of
love with one of his ownhow could he? Every day you watch him being
tortured and killed, and every day you bear the weight of your guilt for
not saving him when you know the words that could stop his pain. If he
said he loved you, what kind of unbearable burden would that
place on you,
and what might you do as a result? No, of course he wouldn't be that
cruel. "Oh fuck... I'm so sorry... " Sorry you asked,
because both answers would
hurt and this one does, twisting in your gut like a knife. He's the first
person to have told you he loves youin all your life, the first person
to ever have loved you, and you condemn him to torture and death over and
over again. You stare into the distance, out of the porthole, and he
stares with you, both of you lost in thought. Now you envy him his
increasing distance and detachment. Now you long to follow him into the
void of darkness. One day, you know he'll complete that journey he's
already started, into the recesses of his own mind, and then
you're fairly
sure you'll be right behind him if only your Consortium genes will let
you... that thought makes you go cold with fear. Imagine not even being able
to have the comfort of insanity... imagine facing this, alone,
without him...
"Oh
shit, Walter, what have you done to me?" You ask him, your
tears salty on
your lips as they fall and become swallowed up in your beard. He shakes
his head.
"Sorry," he whispers. "Sorry, sorry,
sorry... " And you both rock there, lost
in the knowledge of what you have becomebecause of
him.
As the
torture sessions continue, you watch him face them more and
more silently.
Now he doesn't even scream when they hurt him and that somehow
bothers you
more than when he roared out his all too human pain. Slowly but surely
you're losing him and you've never faced this beforenever had to face
it. All your decisions, all your life, were made out of spite and
defiance, out of a need to punish the men who created youyou never had
to make a decision out of love before. You still hold him
during your time
alone in the cell between torture sessions, although you're not sure he
even notices any more; even when newborn he looks lost, haunted, and
haggard. Sometimes he still talks to you, but more often he
hides his face
in his arms, or stares blankly into space. You both stare at that world
out there, that small blue/green globe that you've both given up so much
for, and now, for the first time, you start considering a possibility you
never countenanced before. Can you really sacrifice a whole
world for this
man? Could you do that? Would it be the right thing to do? When do the
needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many? When he's the
only person
you've ever loved? Does that make it okaybecause you love
him? Or maybe
because he's a man who has so bravely faced a torture that no human being
could ever be expected to endure, and yet he has, over and over again,
without a word of entreaty to you to stop his sufferingdoes that make
it all right? Does that make it okay?
"Alex?" He looks at you, as if he can read your mind.
He so rarely talks
these days and you smile at him, stroking his head where it's lying in
your lap.
"It's
all right, Walter," you tell him soothingly.
"I dreamed we were both walking on the moon," he
tells you.
"That
sounds cool." You grin, and he nods, uncertainly.
"Mulder
was there, and Scully, and their baby... " he whispers.
"We were in pressure
suits, and you took off your glove... and I was screaming at you not to, but
you didn't listen... " He sounds agitated.
"I'm
sorry, Walter." You stroke his head again.
"You never listen," he whispers. "Never did."
"No,"
you reply, bending to kiss his lips. He lies there, accepting the kiss,
returning it a little with what strength he has left.
What
did the world ever do to you except hate you? You were always an outlaw
from the moment you were born. An experiment, not a child, not even fully
human. Are you even all that important in the grand scheme of things?
Maybe it's time to give the real humans control over their own destiny.
All these years you've lied to them, deceived them, acted supposedly for
their best interests but really out of a desire to preserve your own
control over the situation and your own sense of importance, denying them
the knowledge that would enable them to make decisions for themselves.
You, the Consortium, and the Resistanceall of you
high-handedly refused
to allow humanity a chance to fight their own battle, and maybe
to win it,
or to at least die trying. Even if you never surrendered this information
that you hold... there's no guarantee you'd save the world. Yes,
you know the
details of the most powerful weapon the Resistance has developed, but
there's still timeand the minds of the most able men and women on the
planet might come up with something even better. Maybe, just maybe,
humanity can save itself. Maybe humanity doesn't need you to fight its
battles.
"Alex," Walter's voice is rasping, and low. He's trying so hard to stay
with you through this.
"It's
okay, Walter. I'm just thinking," you reply, as a little kernel of some
greater truth occurs to you and you struggle to grasp it. You were
Consortium born and bred and what did they ever do except treat the great
mass of humanity like children, denying them the truth and a voice in
their own destiny? All your life you've both hated and loved that
blue-green world hanging so serenely out there in space, just out of
reach. You wanted to belong at the same time as knowing you never could.
Your ongoing rebellion against everything has twined, fatally, with your
need to make a place for yourself in humanity without ever really being
connected to it. Isn't that the real truth of all
this?
Did
you ever really want to be human? Did you even try? Wasn't it more
interesting to be different, to keep yourself apart from
humanity, to look
down on them and reject them as you felt they'd rejected you? Didn't that
make you more special? Knowing what you knew, always able to
sneer at them
for their weaknesses and their lack of knowledgea knowledge that you
and the Consortium always strove so hard to keep from them. You despised
them for not accepting you, hated yourself for not being one of them, and
yet, in the end, the greatest obstacle to your acceptance was
not them but
you all along.
"Oh
shit." You sit back with a sigh, and Walter's anguished dark eyes gaze at
you, full of a wretched, desperate kind of empathy. "Are all moments of
great personal revelation this fucking painful, Walter? Huh?"
You ask him,
and his eyes flicker as if he understands everything that's been going
through your mind.
And,
while we're being brutally honest here, didn't you endure all those
deaths, all that torture, at least partly out of rebellion, defiance, and
spite? Isn't that the core of what Alex Krycek isor at least once was?
It defined you for so long that you couldn't let go of it even up here,
under these circumstances. Were you even thinking about humanity, about
saving the world? Or was it just you, Alex Krycek, being your old cussed
selfnot giving up your knowledge so that that world, which
rejected you
so completely during your one lifetime on it, would be in your debt, and
would have something to be grateful to you for. And, worse than that, in
your arrogance, vanity, pride, and, perhaps most of all, your need to
belong, haven't you clung to the belief that you and you alone are the
sole bulwark holding up the invasion? There are others with knowledge at
least as great as your ownand can you even say that you know
everything? Since when have the Consortium ever revealed the whole truth
about anything, even to their most trusted operatives? No, humanity still
has its hope even without Alex Krycek defending his knowledge
on the altar
of Walter Skinner's broken body, short, pain-filled lifetimes, and
increasingly fragile spirit. So, maybe now it's time to give up
this self-
imposed burden, to surrender it in the cause of a greater need than your
own.
"Alex... don't take the glove off," Walter whispers, interrupting
your train
of thought.
"I might have to, Walter," you reply, tenderly
stroking his face.
"Not
for me," he mutters incomprehensibly, sliding between his dream and
reality, understanding only the importance of the
decision.
"Not
for you," you reassure him. "For me."
"Why?" He gazes at you blankly.
"Because... " You pause, and look down into those dark
eyes. "Because I'm
only human, Walter," you tell him gently.
He
smiles and pats your hand. "I always told you that,"
he reminds you and
you shake your head wryly.
"Well, telling me wasn't good enoughyou had to
show me. And you did."
You
disengage from him gently, laying his head on the floor, and he goes
easily, trusting you. You stand up and call out to them, and a
few minutes
later the door opens, and this time when they enter, they leave him where
he is, and take you instead.
You tell them. You tell
them everything they want to know and you ask for only one
thing in return
the one thing you think they'll grant because you know they
sure as hell
won't send you back to Earth to live out your life knowing all that you
know. You thought it would be hard to sell out that world out there,
hanging so peacefully in the sky, but when it comes to it, it's easy. The
words come tumbling out like a flowing river from your mouth, leaving you
only with a sense of relief that it's done, that it's all over. You're
Alex Krycek, the Judas of your age, and you find that you can bear that.
In fact, it has an air of inevitability about it. Maybe one day the world
will find out what you did and your name will be synonymous with the
greatest of betrayals, but that doesn't concern you much
either. Maybe you
were born to carry that burdenmaybe that has always been your destiny.
You've spent a long time trying to outrun it but it tracked you down and
overtook you in the end. Maybe you've finally become the treacherous,
traitorous coward that Skinner and Mulder and so many others took you for
for so long. Or maybe the truth lies somewhere else, in the twisted skein
of your heritage and in this final act, born out of love and maybe, just
a littleout of hope?
They
send you back to the cell and you wait but only for a little while. Soon
they come back to the cell and you hope they intend to keep their side of
the bargain. Somehow, and you're not sure why, you think they will. Not
because they're noble, or honourable, but because they think with an
insect's mindthey're more logical than humans, and you and he have
outlived your usefulness. You're pretty sure that if they got what they
were looking for, they'll grant the one request you brought to the
negotiating table. You hope so anyway, or it'll all have been
for nothing.
Rasping, and salivating, they drag you both out of your cell. He can
barely stand as they push you both along those dark red corridors and you
put an arm under his shoulder and help carry himonly to find that
they're taking you in a different direction this time. You're not sure
he's even noticed that it's all changed, that this time they won't be
hurting him. He has that dark, resigned look in his eyes,
steeling himself
for inevitable pain and death.
You
end up in what looks like a dimly lit, cavernous hold. They push you over
to a section of the floor that's made of some invisible substance. At
first it feels as if you're standing on top of space itself, but it's
solid underfoot, although disorienting to see the stars beneath your toes
as if you're tiptoeing through the universe. He looks at you, a
questioning expression in those dark eyes.
"It's
all right, Walter," you reassure him gently. "It's
okay." You turn to the
bounty hunter who has accompanied you, along with a dozen or more of the
foul locusts. "I want clothes," you tell him,
"for both of us."
He
blinks, and then turns back to the aliens, shifts, and relays the demand.
There's some rasping of mandibles but one of them goes and a short time
later returns with the requested clothing. Walter can barely
stand, so you
have to dress him yourself. He sways against you, allowing you
to pull the
plain gray sweatpants and black tee shirt over his lacerated skin. His
face is unmarked, so you can almost make-believe that none of this
nightmare ever happenedexcept for the haunted expression in those dark
eyes of his. This man has died countless times for you. He never once
asked anything of you, except that you wouldn't give in, and that, alas,
was one promise you couldn't keep. You wonder, as you smooth the fabric
carefully over his solid flesh, where they got this clothing fromprobably stolen from the poor bastards they've abducted and tortured up
here and then sent back incubating the virus they put in their
bloodstreams. The sweatpants are far too short for him, and the tee shirt
too tight but that doesn't matter. You just wanted to give him some
dignitynot that he ever lost that. Even naked, suffering, tortured to
death over and over again, they could never destroy that innate
dignity of
his.
"Alex,
what's happening?" He asks, bewildered, the focus coming
back into his
eyes as he struggles to return to reality, to deal with what's going on
here.
"Nothing, Walter, it's okay. Hush," you smile. You
dress yourself in the
jeans and sweater they provided, and then take him in your arms. He leans
his head against your shoulder but he hasn't been reassured by your
soothing words.
"What
did you do, Alex?" He whispers.
"What
I had to, Walter," you reply. You hug him close, and then nod to the
bounty hunter. He grins that ghoulish smile one last time. The wait seems
to last for eternity, but you hold Walter tight, keeping him upright. He
finds the strength from within his weary, abused body, to stand up
straight, and look into your eyes, and you face his searching
gaze with an
inner calm.
"Tell
me you didn't... not to save me, Alex," he
whispers.
"Noto save me." You won't let him go to his final death
thinking that, and
it's nearly true. Did the aliens plan it this way, you wonder? Do they
really have that level of understanding of this human race, to which you
have, somewhat belatedly, discovered you belong, or were they just lucky?
Did they plant him in your cell intending for you to become too close to
him to be able to continue witnessing his suffering? If so, why did they
pick him, of all people? Why him, the man who killed you first? You have
no idea what the answer to any of these questions might be, and to be
honest, you don't really care. You've been living a life you had no right
to for far too long. The world and its inhabitants long ago ceased to be
any concern of yours. You were always a dead man, reaching out with your
great betrayal from beyond the grave. The Consortium created
you a hybrid,
something less than human, and that was the way you died, but it wasn't
how you were rebornoh, not by them and their tank, but by him. He
birthed this Alex by reaching out to you with his own shining
humanity. He
made you human and, being human, you had no choice but to betray a whole
world for the sake of the man you love. To stand by and continue watching
that would have been inhuman.
"I
love you," you tell him, as the moment approaches. He
smiles, and you feel
his hands stroke your back.
"I
know," he replies. He glances at the aliens, now partially
obscured behind
a barrier of flickering blue light, and then back at you,
clearly guessing
what's about to happen. "I love you too,
Alex."
You
stare at him, surprised, not realising until he said it just how much you
wanted to hear it, and a moment later the floor beneath you gives way and
you're sucked out into the vacuum of space. You press your lips against
his as you go, claiming the last air from his lungs, and sharing your own
with him in one final embrace. You've died so many times between you that
this is just one more death... and a gentler one than any that were ever
visited upon you in this ship. This death will be relatively fast. You
feel him stiffen against you as he struggles to breathe, and you tighten
your grasp on him with your own fading strength. Your legs and arms are
wrapped around his body, and your face locked against his. You want rigor
mortis to freeze you together, so that you can float away in
space for all
eternity, entwined. One day, you wonder if humankind, or whatever species
might rise up to take its place maybe millions of years in the future,
will find you both frozen in time, wrapped together, still floating
through space, together for eternity. If so, you wonder what they might
conjecture about you and the nature of your death. Whatever it
is, they're
likely to be wrong.
They
won't know that he is Walter Skinner, a man you loved more than an entire
world. You wish you could tell them all about this man, so that
they might
understand that he is worth sacrificing a world for and that you'd do it
all over again.
And
they won't know that you are Alex Krycek, Consortium born and
bred, former
assassin, cheat, liar, thief, erstwhile leader of the
Resistance, betrayer
of the Earth, and finally, at last, it seems... an all too human
being.
|
Author's Notes: This is
a very dark fic,
with, I hope, an ultimately redeeming theme, but I'll leave the interpretation
of what eventually happens up to the individual reader. It's written
entirely in
the second personthis is intentional. Friendly feedback, as always,
to xanthe@xanthe.org.
Many thanks to dot for the encouragement to keep going and to Phoebe for the beta, very insightful thoughts and the quote. |
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