Chapter 12
Author: Ellen
Rating: NC-17 (overall story)
Spoilers: none
Summary: Angel, Cordelia and Doyle begin to realize some of the further implications of their bond.
Disclaimer: The characters of Angel, Doyle and Cordelia are the property of 20th Century Fox, Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and others. No ownership is claimed and no copyright infringement is intended.
Thoughts between Angel, Doyle and Cordelia are marked //like this.//
"I'll handle the car hire. Don't argue with me. Neither of you has ever driven over here."
Cordelia snorted but she and Angel both let it pass. Angel was sufficiently relieved that the three of them had made it safely from the plane into the airport. Luckily it was a grey, overcast day but the sun kept teasing the edge of the clouds, threatening to break through.
Doyle hadn't said a word to either of them during the long wait to retrieve their luggage from the conveyor belt. When Cordelia finally spotted her largest bag and pounced on it, Doyle failed to make his usual offer to carry it for her. Angel and Cordelia ended up with all three bags, while Doyle headed straight for the rental counter.
He didn't even make any jokes about how much Cordelia could stuff into three pieces of hand luggage.
While Doyle arranged for the car rental, Angel and Cordelia walked a short distance away from the counter and put the bags down against a row of unoccupied seats in the waiting area. They both turned to watch Doyle, Angel's hand resting lightly on Cordelia's arm.
//Do you think he's safe to drive? I don't think he slept at all,// Cordelia sent quietly.
//I think I did get him to sleep for a little while but it could be he's just getting better at blocking. I know he's exhausted but I have to admit that he's right about driving over here. I don't want to risk driving during daylight and you've never driven on what you would call the 'wrong' side of the road.//
//I could handle it.//
//If you had to, yes, you could. But it's important to him to have that control right now.//
//I know, I know. But when is this going to end?//
//I wish I knew.//
"All right, enough whispering about me," Doyle said aloud as he headed toward them, a sheaf of car rental documents in one hand and a key in the other. "Let's move."
Noticing his grim expression, Angel and Cordelia picked up the luggage and let him take the lead. They made it from the airport to the parking lot without incident. Cordelia glanced repeatedly at the cloudy sky, keeping Angel's hand firmly clasped in her own and kept the link between them open.
Angel's cool fingers curled reassuringly around hers, while Doyle marched on a few steps ahead toward the rental car section of the parking lot, neither looking back at them nor sending to them. Cordelia was grateful that, with Doyle in his current mental state, at least Angel seemed calm and stable.
//Don't kid yourself, my love,// Angel sent, catching her thought. //I'm as nervous as you are.//
//I didn't want to know that,// Cordelia sent back but she brought his hand quickly to her lips, staring at Doyle's back. //If he walked any faster, I'd swear he was trying to lose us.//
//What makes you think he isn't?//
//Funny.// After brushing her lips lightly against Angel's hand, she squeezed it a little. //Anyway. Thanks.//
//For what?//
//Just being with me. I'm so scared for him, Angel.//
//I know. So am I.//
Doyle found the car, unlocked the driver's side and quickly found the button to unlock the other doors and the trunk. He slid in behind the wheel immediately, not bothering to open the door for the others.
//Cordelia, Angel,// he sent brusquely. //You ought to sit in back. There's a light blanket in one of the bags. If you pull that out, we'll be able to use it if Angel needs it. I've unlocked the boot already for the luggage.//
//The boot?// Cordelia queried.
//The back. The trunk. You know.//
Exchanging a glance, Angel and Cordelia opened the trunk. It was a small one but there was room enough for three pieces of hand luggage. Angel lifted and secured the bags, after removing the blanket.
After Angel and Cordelia slid into the back seat, Cordelia couldn't resist sending a tentative thought Doyle's way. //Doyle, I –//
She was rebuffed with a firm mental silence.
Reluctantly, she spoke aloud, as they fastened their seat belts. "Are you going to give us the silent treatment all day? We've got to be here for each other."
"We are," Doyle said shortly. "I know it. You know it. I'm not going to explain myself again. Just leave it alone. If you want to be useful, just keep an eye out for the road signs."
He lit up a cigarette. Cordelia winced. She hated smoking and until recently, Doyle had not smoked when she was with him.
"Is that a stick shift?" she exclaimed, looking over his shoulder. "I didn't think they even made those any more."
Doyle nodded curtly, taking a drag on his cigarette. "Still do, especially over here, princess. Now aren't you glad you don't have to drive?"
"Drive this thing, with the steering wheel way over there? Not a chance. It's all yours."
Cordelia sighed, leaning as far back against Angel as their seat belts would allow. He put a comforting arm around her, although his eyes, like hers, were focused on what little they could see of the back of Doyle's head, as he threw the car into gear.
Her head resting on Angel's shoulder, Cordelia tried to force herself to relax, to get past her mounting sense of dread. Feeling her tension, Angel put his hands on her shoulders and began massaging her neck.
//Let it go,// he sent gently. //The best thing we can do for him is to stay calm, whatever happens.//
//I know.//
She watched the scenery and the road signs and tried not to get too distracted by the fact that the cars were driving on the opposite side of the road.
As the road moved on into a rural area, with very little traffic, Doyle drove faster, almost but not quite recklessly. Several times his fingers ended up clenched so tightly on the steering wheel that even without the link, Cordelia and Angel could see him consciously forcing his hands to relax.
//I never thought just being silent was this hard,// Cordelia sent to Angel.
//I would never have thought you could do it,// he responded. //But you have. Sometimes we need your voice and your laughter and your touch...// and Angel bent to kiss her gently, without passion. //Sometimes we need you to drag us, kicking and screaming, out of the dark.//
//You can say that again, Mister Tall, Dark and Brooding.// Cordelia returned the kiss, warmly but taking her cue from him and not pushing it farther. //Little did I know I was getting two of a kind.//
//And other times,// Angel went on, moving his lips to brush the side of her face lightly before pulling away. //You can show your love with your silence. This is one of them.//
//How can he feel it, though, when he's shutting me out?//
//Let me see if I can explain. Remember how he told us once that it gets crowded in his head sometimes and how it's tough to get used to it?//
//I remember.//
//There are times when the greatest gift you can give is the kind of respect that says you know that you don't own him, that his... soul, for lack of a better word... is still his own. When you stand back, he still knows you're there.// Angel stroked Cordelia's hair softly. //He's alive because you love him, Cordy – he's not going to forget that. He knows how much we both love him but sometimes he needs to know that you respect him, too.//
//You still understand him so much better than I do,// Cordelia sent with a twinge of jealousy.
//At times, I do. But that's not what matters most right now.//
Cordelia couldn't help a nervous glance at Doyle. //What is, then? Doyle not crashing the car in the next five minutes? Me not freaking out over everything being backwards in this stupid country?//
//What matters most is that we're ready to be there for him when he's ready for us.//
//Yeah. Right.//
Angel smiled at the skeptical tone of her thought. //Oh, by the way, in case I haven't mentioned it lately...//
//I know.// She brightened. //You love me, too. Same here.//
//Just so we understand each other.//
She grinned at him with her old radiance and settled back against his shoulder, as Doyle drove on.
When they were almost at their destination, he speeded up again, to the point that Angel had to send him a quick warning thought. Doyle didn't answer the thought at first but he did slow down.
Finally he sent back: //Nearly there. Still daylight. It's going to be a walk from the closest place where I can park. You might want to stay in the car.//
//That won't happen but I'll bring the blanket. Between that and Cordelia's help, I'll be fine.//
Doyle turned off the main road onto a side road. "I still remember the turnoff," he said aloud.
"I believe you," Angel acknowledged. "So, how big a tourist attraction is this place? Will there be a crowd of people?"
"Not unless there's some big event going. Most likely it would only be a few people at any one time. You may get a few curious looks with a blanket over your head but you won't be the oddest-looking visitor to those stones."
"You can say that again," Cordelia chimed in, remembering the hooded figures in their vision.
Doyle turned again and drove until there was no more road ahead but just an area of flattened-down grass which, from the treadmarks across it, was obviously used for parking. There were no other cars there. He kept driving to the farthest edge of the tire-scarred area and finally stopped the car when the grass was higher beneath the wheels. "This is as far as I can take it," he announced unnecessarily as he parked.
"I would've said that awhile ago," Cordelia muttered.
Doyle turned toward her. "Take care of Angel for me, princess. I'm goin' up there first but you can follow, if you must."
"Don't make it sound like you're not coming back."
Doyle didn't answer that, just opened his door and took off at a near-run. It was still cloudy, so Angel threw the blanket casually over one arm and then followed. Cordelia was still getting herself out of her seat belt as they hurried off.
"Hey, hello! Vision was two days ago! A few more minutes won't make that much difference," she complained as she slammed the car door shut and scrambled after them.
Angel sent back: //He knows that. He still needs to try.//
The entire area seemed completely deserted. By the time they reached the stones, Cordelia was out of breath. Doyle was already searching the area, looking frantically for any trace of evidence, anything at all. She could feel his frustration coming through and when she looked at him more closely, she realized that he had already shifted to demon form.
//There's been magic done here but not today. The scent is old. No blood though, not even a trace of it. If they harmed her, it wasn't done here.//
Too breathless to speak, Cordelia sent: //They're not going to sacrifice your mother, not if they think you're a god or something! Wouldn't you strike them down with lightning or whatever?//
//She's right,// Angel sent gently. //If this cult considers you a divine being, your mother should be safe with them. If anything, all the worship is probably going to her head and making her hopelessly conceited.//
//It was the only clue we had.// Doyle looked at Angel, so anguished that he barely seemed to notice that he still wore his demon face. //She was here, I'm sure we saw her here but it was two days ago and she's long gone. I don't know what to do, Angel. I just don't know.//
He shifted back to human form as he sank slowly down onto the grass.
Still out of breath, Cordelia hurried to his side. Angel glanced swiftly at the overcast sky and then spread the blanket on the grass next to Doyle. Cordelia sat down on it gratefully.
Doyle turned away from them both, burying his face against his knees. The rush of adrenaline was draining out of his body now and he wasn't sure that he would be able to get up again if he tried. Cordelia put a hand tentatively on his shoulder and although he didn't push her away, he didn't respond.
//What do they expect of me?// Doyle's thoughts lashed into the others' minds with searing despair. //Look at me. I'm not something to worship, damn it all! What do they expect me to be?//
//I don't know what they expect,// Angel responded. He sat down at Doyle's other side, placing one hand very lightly on the back of his neck.
//I can't bring down lightning, I can't make it rain, or make it stop raining, I can't save anyone, I can't even save myself. I don't know myself any more. I'm not sure who I am or what I'm supposed to be. I can't be their hero. I can't be their god. I can't even be human!//
Cordelia's fingers moved softly on his shoulder. She was fighting her own instincts, trying not to crowd him and he knew it and she knew that he knew it but it no longer mattered.
"What do they want from me?" Doyle whispered, his voice hoarse with pain and Cordelia could no longer stop herself. She pressed herself against him and he straightened up violently, throwing her roughly aside. Then, as she rolled away, he sucked in a gasp of breath.
"Princess, I'm sorry – "
Not physically hurt but struggling not to cry, Cordelia muttered, "I'm fine."
He stared at her, stricken and she repeated aloud, "I'm fine. You're the one we're worried about! Please, let us help. Please. Look, now you're making me whine. You know how much I hate to beg."
"I know..." He closed his eyes then and knowing that Angel was behind him, let himself sag backward into Angel's waiting arms.
Feeling the two of them there with him, fearing for him, worrying about him, loving him... at this moment it only seemed like another part of the burden too heavy to bear. What was he expected to do? What was he expected to be?
Why had he been permitted to return? Why was he alive at all?
He had no answers and neither did they.
Feeling how desperately they wanted it, he allowed them to hold him. He could let himself slide back into their arms, he could let them hug him tightly between them, but all the love that they were sending him wasn't giving him any solution to the problem.
The Powers that Be never let anyone get away with breaking the rules unless there was a reason. All the love in the universe would not have been allowed to bring him back, unless there was a reason.
There was an answer somewhere and he knew whatever happened here two days ago was part of it. There was something that he was called to do. He could run from it, he could hide himself like a child in their love and try never to find out what it was, but it would catch up with him someday.
As he felt Cordelia's warm hands and lips moving on his skin, felt her tears on his face mingling with his own, he knew that she and Angel would always love him, no matter what. He knew it and it still wasn't enough.
There was going to be a price to pay.
Whatever it was, he was sure that it was going to hurt even more than dying.
The sun sank below the horizon as the three sat there, entwined in one another's arms, yet failing to find comfort. The air was growing chilly. Angel picked up the farthest corner of the blanket and pulled it around them.
Huddled under the blanket, beginning to shiver, yet reluctant to leave, they clung to each other wordlessly.
The dusk deepened and the first stars had begun to show in the sky when they heard the voice.
"He's here. I know he's here. I saw it, just as clear as I'm seeing you in front of me. No, clearer."
It wasn't a voice they knew. A second voice joined it, equally distant. "Ye've always been daft, girl but this is beyond anything."
This one too was a voice they had never heard before.
"They say he has the visions too. Why shouldn't he be here? He would know. He wouldn't need anyone to tell him, he would just know."
"If he knew, he'd be off to the Beacon circle where she is and not here at this one."
Cordelia gasped. Doyle began to struggle to his feet and Cordelia and Angel rose with him, the blanket falling away from them as they stood. Two slender figures, still some distance away, stopped short at the movement.
"You see, I told you! He's there, right now, rising up before our very eyes!"
"It's probably just some tourist..." The other voice trailed off uncertainly.
Doyle's voice was rough but he found it. "You there! Who is at the Beacon circle? What is it? Where is it? Tell me."
"Ah, it's truly him! It is the Promised One!"
Two youngsters, looking like they were probably in their early teens, were approaching them. As they drew closer, their oddly distorted faces became clearer through the dusk. They were not fully human but some kind of demon half-breeds, although it was too dark to be certain what kind.
As they came within plain sight, the girl dropped to her knees and the boy with her reluctantly did the same.
"Promised One!"
Doyle moved forward. Cordelia sent urgently: //Don't hurt them! It's not their fault!//
"Off your knees," he snapped. "Stand up! Now!"
Obediently, the young half-demons got to their feet but the girl kept her head bowed. "As you wish, Promised One."
"Don't call me that! Just tell me. Who is at the Beacon circle and where is it?"
"Maybe he's not the Promised One," the boy said suddenly. "Maybe he's an enemy. Maybe he's trying to stop it. Don't tell him anything!"
"He is too the Promised One!" she insisted but he grabbed her by the wrist.
"If he was, he would know! He wouldn't have to ask you. It's a trick! Come on, let's get out of here!"
"But – "
"Now!"
The boy began to run, dragging the girl by the hand. Doyle started after them and when he did, the girl finally gave in and began running too.
Doyle ran after them, with Angel close behind and Cordelia farther behind them but the young half-demons were faster and they were gaining distance. Doyle shifted to demon form and put on a spurt of extra speed. Running faster than any human could, he was close to catching up with them when he tripped on a fragment of stone and fell headlong.
He hit the ground hard, hard enough that in his human form he would have broken ribs. Even in demon form, the fall knocked the wind out of him. As Angel caught up with him, Doyle began to struggle to his feet and Angel reached down and hauled him up, then caught him as he was about to continue the pursuit.
"Let them go," Angel said quietly, as the youngsters disappeared into the dusk. "We've learned all we can from them tonight."
"Are you crazy? They know where my mother is!"
"If they do, then so do we. We just have to find out where the Beacon circle is. How do you propose to get it out of them? Beat it out of them? They're only children."
"But – " Doyle stopped short, then abruptly shook off his demon form and buried his face in his hands. "Oh god. The Beacon circle. I don't know if I should laugh or just go back to cryin'."
They both felt a draw of power as Cordelia, still trying to catch up to them, faltered in exhaustion and almost fell, instinctively pulling strength from them. Immediately, Doyle and Angel headed back toward Cordelia.
//Slow down, princess, it's all right. You can stop now,// Doyle sent. //We're on our way back to you.//
Cordelia stopped running and stood, panting, as they returned. //I thought I was in good shape.//
//You are, sweetheart. But you didn't draw from us till just now and without that, you're just human. No human could never keep up with a bunch of demons. Well, maybe an Olympic runner could, on a good day.//
//Maybe. So what's so wonderful about being human if everything else in the world can outrun you?//
//Maybe being human is about knowing when to run and when not to run,// Angel sent and Doyle knew that he hadn't blocked his thoughts as thoroughly from Angel as he had believed.
//Okay, whatever.// Cordelia's thoughts were tinged with her exhaustion and both Angel and Doyle could feel it as they drew nearer. //My vote is we find some civilization, try to find out where this Beacon circle is and maybe find a place to get some sleep.//
//Yeah. All that,// Doyle responded as he reached Cordelia and put his arms around her. She leaned on him gratefully, still gasping.
//I'm so sorry,// he sent, burying his face in her hair.
//I'm not looking for sorry.// She hugged him. //I'm looking to make you be all right. That's all I want, that's all I've ever wanted. Well, other than some rich guy to keep me in little blue boxes for the rest of my life, of course but I think I'm over that one.//
Angel laughed and went to pick up the blanket.
