Chapter 4
Author: Cedar
Rating: NC-17 (overall story)
Spoilers: none
Summary: Angel, Cordelia and Doyle begin to realize some of the further implications of their bond.
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss. The concept belongs to the Power of Three site-goddesses. The words are all my fault.
Thoughts between Angel, Doyle and Cordelia are marked //like this.//
Cold. Cold and emptiness. Both sensations were now so foreign to Cordelia that they drew her insistently from a deep sleep. She was alone in her mind and the shock of that wrenched her into total wakefulness.
Her shuddering gasp immediately woke the man with one chill arm draped over her. //Cordelia!// Angel tightened his hold on her protectively. //What's wrong?//
//Where's Doyle?// The touch of Angel's mind and body was comforting but not enough. //I woke up cold and I can't find Doyle!//
Doyle gone. Again. It was too recent and too lethal a wound to be reopened without terror. Angel tensed as his mind, like Cordelia's, went frantically in search. //Doyle! Where are you?//
Both were near panic when the answer finally came. //I'm here. Right here. Just upstairs.//
Angel closed his eyes in relief. //Doyle, love.//
But Cordelia's terror had transformed itself abruptly into fury. //Damn it! You were blocking us!//
//I thought y'were asleep.// Doyle sent a wave of apology and love to them and the strength of it washed out the last dregs of their panic. //I'll be righ' down.//
Cordelia shivered and sat up, searching angrily for the blankets the three of them always managed to kick off the bed. Angel withdrew his chilly arm from her and fished the comforter off the floor, wrapping it tenderly around Cordelia's shoulders.
//I wish I could keep you warm.// His eyes held such wistfulness that Cordelia forgot her irritation in sending him comfort.
//That doesn't matter.// She lifted a corner of the quilt, touched his face with it. //This dead goose can keep me warm. You keep me safe.//
Doyle stopped as he entered the room. The two of them, gazing at each other, were such a beautiful picture that his heart ached and he sent the emotion along with the image into their minds.
Both turned to stare at him greedily. Doyle wore only a pair of loose khaki pants on his slim, tough body. He lifted a hand, ran it through his dark hair in a gesture both Angel and Cordelia loved, one of a million tiny things they'd longed to see again after his death.
//Why, Doyle?// Cordelia felt her anger seep back with the memory of fear. //Why shut us out?//
Doyle sighed, moved to sit on the bed. He reached out, traced her face with a fingertip, then did the same to Angel. //It's not tha' I don't love ya.//
//We got that part,// Angel assured him. //But what's wrong?//
//Nothin'. Ya were both asleep when I woke up. And I was alone in my head. It felt... empty.//
//I know.// Cordelia shivered, wrapped the blanket tighter around her.
Doyle pulled her to him, wrapping his warmth around her but kept his eyes on Angel's. //But after a bit it felt... familiar. Lonely but comfortable. I mean. I was alone in there for 26 years, ya know?//
//I do know.// Angel nodded in quiet understanding. //I need less sleep than you two do. When I'm awake, alone, I miss you but sometimes, I enjoy the peace.//
Cordelia drew back, so she could see both her lovers. //I thought we got this out of the way already. With Penn. You don't still want to be with someone else. Or just alone. Do you?//
Neither man could quite place her mix of emotions but they hurried to counteract the most obvious – fear. //Not for long. We miss you too much.//
//But.sometimes, like today?//
Doyle held her eyes carefully as he answered, trying to be certain she understood. //I wanted to be just... me. Just for a little while. I spent five years not sharin' my real thoughts wit' anyone. And I took enough psychology in college ta know tha' not havin' your own identity can be dangerous.//
//So you blocked us.//
//To see if I could. It occurs t'me sometimes...// He hesitated, then went on. //I'm alive only because of you two. Sometimes I wonder, y'know, if I could manage on my own for just a bit if I ever had to. To see if...//
//If you were still you.// Angel nodded.
Cordelia looked back and forth between them. //Angel, you had five generations of alone time. It wasn't enough?//
//It was far more than enough. So much more that I don't know who I am if I don't touch base with it. And I think...// He paused, feeling for the explanation that had been forming in his mind for weeks. //The bond demands three people. Three very different identities. The power we can pull from each other? That's noticeable because we all have different strengths.//
Doyle nodded slowly, considering the possibilities. //Delia has willpower and that fierce tenderness tha' got rid o' my headache. You've the vampire strength and healing powers.//
//Exactly.// Angel ran a hand gently, almost reverently, over the half-demon's hair. //And it's much easier for me to control my demon because your human soul has total dominance over yours. Cordelia pulls strength from your Brachen, as well as from me. I think that becoming one person, especially this quickly, might actually weaken us. Maybe we need to take little bits of time apart.//
Cordelia shivered.
//What is it, Princess?//
//I'm afraid. Damn it. I hate being afraid.//
//Of what? Cordelia, tell us.//
//You guys seem to think I don't understand about not sharing feelings. I do. I may not have tact but I wasn't ever touchy-feely girl.//
//We know but now...//
//Now I share everything. And it's hard. I never get to be just a kid, you know?//
//How's that, Princess?//
//I'm only eighteen. And yeah, grew up in Sunnydale, seen too much to be a kid anymore. But if my dad hadn't messed up I'd be at UCLA, going to loud parties, buying too many clothes and my biggest worry would be not failing my midterms. It's hard to do dumb teenage things when I share all my thoughts with you guys.//
Doyle looked at Cordelia. Looked carefully and saw not just the woman he loved. He saw a frightened teenager, wearing no makeup, tousled and vulnerable, swaddled in a blanket. He felt a terrible flash of guilt and knew that Angel had the same. He choked with the sudden pain of it.
His next thoughts were bitter. //When you share a brain and a bed with a recently divorced, alcoholic half-demon and an quarter-millenium-old vampire with a soul? Yea, I can see how tha' would put a damper on lighthearted fun.//
//Horrifying, isn't it?// Angel thought grimly.
//What?// This latest wash of emotions had left Cordelia adrift and confused. //What's so horrifying?//
//Destruction of innocence. A vampire's first love. This is Doyle's first taste of that on his conscience.//
//Oh Gods.// Doyle reached out towards Cordelia, then flinched back. //First I leave ya with the terrible visions and then, to bring me back...// He looked to Angel for confirmation.
The vampire closed his eyes. //Yes. She was a virgin when I had sex with her to bring you back. She ought to be a normal kid in college. Not part of this... this...//
Cordelia felt the flood of their self-loathing and suddenly understood. Then she got angry. //No!// she fired back. //This isn't a freak show, Angel. And don't you dare insult us all by thinking it. This is beautiful. Stop it right now, both of you! I did what I wanted to do, damn it. It was my idea in the first place. And I don't feel violated, or destroyed. I feel loved and happy. Yes, I have a very weird sex life but I chose it.// She lunged at both of them, pulling them to her. //Can't you feel it?// Fiercely she kissed Angel, then Doyle. //I want you. I love you. I'm in pain and you cure me, I'm in danger and you save me. But neither of you let me finish!//
Shaken by the force of her emotions, it took them a moment to respond. Angel recovered first. //What didn't we hear, Cordelia?//
//That not being a kid is NOT what scares me. Yeah, it bugs me a little sometimes but real fear? No way.//
Doyle reached out to her again, the gentlest touch of fingers along her face and a wash of protective love. //I wish I could give you back innocence, Princess. I hate tha' I can't. But we'll give you anythin' we can. You know that. What is it?//
She sighed, nuzzling against him. //It's so complicated. You woke up this morning and felt alone, Doyle but it was okay. You even sort of needed it. And Angel, we now find, does this all the time. But I... I was so scared when I woke up alone. And that's mostly because I'm afraid of losing you. Either of you. But it's also because... sometimes I want my space too but I'm even more afraid of what I'd be like without you. So I've never blocked you. Neither of you. Not. Once. Ever. Since we became...//
//A triumvirate.// Angel was puzzling it out. //You'd like some alone time with your thoughts too. Which I agree with. But what are you afraid of, exactly?//
It was Doyle who understood. //You mean, bein' afraid of what you'd be without us?//
Angel was still confused. //Without us, you'd be the Cordelia Chase you were in high school. Beautiful, popular.//
//Shallow, arrogant, bitchy, pretending-to-be-stupid, trading on my looks, and alone. Surrounded by people and feeling alone.//
//Princess, you were never...//
//Oh yes, I was. I like who I am now. Doyle, you may not like yourself yet but I love who I am right now. But I don't like who I was. And I'm afraid.//
//Tha' you're only lovable because you have bits o' us inside of ya?// As Cordelia's eyes brimmed and she silently nodded, Doyle shook his head in disbelief. //Princess, do you remember when I fell for ya?//
//Yes. You thought I was a 'stiffener' – your word.// Her thoughts were bittersweet, as she touched his memory of that comment. //You were right, I'm pretty. But you were right about the other, too.//
//But that's not what you're afraid of.// The strength of Angel's compassion told this was a fear he well understood. //You've been told that you look beautiful enough times that you believe it. But you wonder if there's anything worth loving behind it.//
Doyle chuckled suddenly.
//What?!// They shot back at him, stung.
//I've just uncovered the curse o' the beautiful people, haven't I? The does-anyone-love-me-for-who-I-am syndrome. Never understood it, bein' all too average myself.//
Angel raised his eyebrows, then traced a slow finger though Doyle's dark chest hair to the button of his slacks. //I never thought you were average.//
The half-demon shuddered. //Cordelia, did, didn't ya, Princess?//
She moved in behind him, sliding up against his back. //Well, not exactly. I just thought you'd have lots of... common audience appeal. I mean...// Her hands crept down to join Angel's in unbuttoning the khakis. //It worked for me.//
//Not tha' I don't like where we're goin'... but I think we were discussin' somethin' important and I'm in grave danger of forgettin' what.//
//I remember.// Angel slid his hands around Doyle's body to Cordelia, moved them up to cup her face.// I think Doyle and I ought to run through a quick list for you.//
//Yea, tha' was it,// Doyle agreed, shifting smoothly, sending an image to Angel of what he wanted. Together they lowered Cordelia onto the bed and lay, one on either side, gently running their hands over her. //We love the bite of your humor. Dull, you never are, Princess.//
//But when someone needs your help, asks for it, you're always there for them. Sometimes even when they forget to ask. And usually they forget to thank you.//
//And brave. How many vampires have you faced down wit' only human strength to count on, huh?//
//Much smarter than anyone gave you credit for.// Angel kissed her temple. //Until us. You've accepted the supernatural, faced reality when so many people just see what they want to see. You even talked me into doing the impossible.//
//Practical. Clear thinkin'. No one else in Sunnydale ever really separated Angel and Angelus in their heads. But you did. And he knew it. And we love ya for it.//
//We adore you.// Angel and Doyle each wrapped their arms tightly around her, then simultaneously blocked their minds from the woman between them.
Cordelia cried out in shock. //Doyle! Angel?// But they continued to shut her out, holding her lovingly but refusing her their thoughts. Slowly, comforted by the touch of their bodies if not their minds, she began to relax. There was emptiness and loneliness and weakness. But she had forgotten the calm of thinking on her own and the full force of her own personality. She felt... undiluted. A thought struck her and she laughed out loud.
"What is it, Cordelia?" Angel spoke aloud for the first time since he woke up.
"I was just thinking that I'm like very strong alcohol."
"And how's tha' love?"
"I'm really strong and not easy to take straight up. But with the right mixers." She wrapped an arm around each of them.
"You're both potent and tasty." Doyle finished for her. "Addictive, really."
"You were right. I needed this. I was... forgetting Cordelia Chase. And why even though I could be selfish and nasty I was also pretty proud of myself. I'm tough and sensible and honest and I get what I want. And sometimes I'm going to block you both, take an hour so I can read Vogue and Entertainment Weekly without being interrupted by your boredom and think about Xander and my family without someone else thinking over my shoulder."
Doyle whispered in her ear. "But not for too long, mind."
"And let us know before you block us so we don't panic." Angel reached across her, gripped Doyle's hand. "That goes for you too, boyo. We want whens and whys."
"It goes for all of us," Cordelia finished firmly.
"But now I'm thinking and neither of you can hear me." She threw each of them an evil smile. "So I'll have to give you a hint." She sat up and tossed the blanket back off the bed, running her hands tauntingly over Angel's body.
Doyle grinned. "Workin' on our communication skills, are we now?"
"Yes." She drew him in for a kiss. "I woke up this morning feeling cold and empty." The she flung one leg over Angel's body, then slowly lowered herself onto him.
"And I'm taking care of the empty part, am I?" Angel grabbed her hips and mock-growled at her.
"Which leaves me to do the warmin' up." Doyle knelt facing her, straddling Angel's chest so the vampire could watch as well as feel the building heat.
The three of them moved together, intensity building, until Cordelia spoke again, voice demanding. "I want you both back in my head. Stop blocking. Now!"
The barriers went down all at once. They sent each other every sensation – images, sounds, smells, tastes and every emotion, love, lust, wonder, tenderness – in a single bursting second. And together they all cried out, then collapsed in a gasping tangle.
They lay like that for several minutes, recovering. //Man!// Doyle was still wheezing slightly. //I think we just discovered another advantage to blockin' once in a while.//
Cordelia chuckled. //Yeah. Wow.//
Angel gently shoved them both off his chest, then rolled over on top of them, reveling in their human warmth. //I could have told you the best part of shutting you two out is the pleasure of going back.//
Doyle shifted so Angel lay between him and Cordelia. //Well, aren't we Mr. Know-it-all vampire.//
He grinned. //I will say it's not usually quite that intense.//
//I hope not,// Cordelia sent back. //I might pass out. And I'm less pretty when I faint and drool.//
//We'll never give you more than you can handle.// Angel was serious again. //You may have a 'very weird sex life' but we'll make sure it's always a safe one.//
//Lor'// Doyle sighed. //I still feel like we're two dirty ol' men seducin' a gorgeous kid.//
//Ha!// Cordelia returned. //Idiots. I seduced you. Men always forget that part. So quit with the guilt. It's ludicrous.// She sent them a wave of intense, if irritated, reassurance. //Cordelia Chase does not let herself be taken advantage of. Ever. Which I will thank you to remember, since I am fully capable of making either or both of you lose all motor control – even without any physical contact.//
Angel smiled slowly. //I think that's a dare of some kind, don't you, Doyle?//
//I'm sure it is. Delia, darlin,' don't ya know never to dare an Irishman?//
//Two Irishmen.//
//Cordelia Chase dares anything. But, go ahead, just try to change my mind.//
//Our pleasure.//
