Author: Ellen
Rating: PG / PG-13
Summary: Still reeling from his return to the land of the living, Doyle still isn't entirely sure that he really is back.
Author's Notes: This Po3 story is my first attempt to write Doyle fic since Glenn Quinn's death. Feel free to throw stones. I still feel a bit queasy trying this.
This is (obviously) set in December 1999, immediately after the beginning of the Po3 series, before "Newer Than Time." As always, mental communication is //between slashes//
December in L.A. – and
From one unbearable brightness
to another,
You have crossed over again.
Against infinite darkness,
You remain
Our limitless light.
Cordelia and Doyle and I had loved each other to sleep that first night, but my sleep did not last long. I couldn't keep my eyes closed, not for very long, not when I had the chance to see his dear face again.
But when Doyle first began to stir in his sleep, I forced my eyes shut, and I reached out instead with my mind, tasting the newness of what now lay between us.
His thoughts were not yet forming words and I was new at this, but it still felt natural. It was not so unlike what I'd had years before, when I'd had a different kind of family. It had been a long time, and I had been very different, but part of me still remembered what it was like to touch the mind of someone very close to me.
I could feel something unexpected gathering in him as he awakened, something hovering in the middle between awe and... sadness?
Sadness? Why?
I kept my body, and my thoughts, as still and quiet as I could, as he reached full wakefulness. I felt him turn and look at me, just as though I could see it, but I couldn't tell if he was aware that I was not sleeping.
I felt him get out of the bed, where Cordelia was still sprawled in exhausted slumber. I sensed each movement as he slowly drew on his clothes, seemingly uncertain, as though he wasn't quite fitting back in his own skin.
I tried not to let him sense the shudder that went through me as he left the room. It was too soon. I couldn't bear to let him out of my sight yet.
So I followed, quietly, trying to open my mind to his without sending back my own thoughts.
Yes, it was unfair. I did it anyway.
I followed him to the roof, where we had watched the sunset together not too long ago, knowing that the dawn was drawing near. It didn't stop me.
The need to be with him was stronger than the dawn.
From a distance, I watched him standing there, on the opposite site of the roof, looking out over the lights of the city, as the sky grew by one orange and rosy shade after another, and the last stars faded.
I still couldn't get a clear read of what was going on inside his mind. He seemed... still solitary, somehow, as though he had not become fully a part of us last night.
I reached out again, tentatively, trying to understand.
After what the three of us had just shared, after Cordelia and I had brought him back to us, how could he still feel so alone?
//I know you're there,// he finally sent, just when I was sure that he could not sense my presence. //Best to get inside before it gets any lighter.//
//What is it?// I asked quietly.
//I needed to see it,// he responded.
//See what?//
//This.// He did not turn around, but kept his back to me as he gestured toward the cityscape spread out below. //Being back here again. Being... alive. If I really am, that is.//
//You aren't sure?//
//No... not exactly.// His thought was distant, distracted, as he gazed out over the city. //Though I do seem a bit too physical to be a ghost, if last night is any proof. But, you know, while I was... gone... I imagined things. What might have been. Maybe, you know... well, that could be all this is, just something in my mind.//
//You're here,// I assured him urgently. //What happened between us, the three of us, last night – it's real. You can feel it, I know you can.//
//Oh, I felt something, all right. More than once, as you remember. But then, if I was just dreamin' the whole thing, I'd feel it too, now wouldn't I? Even, like that. Maybe that's my bit of mercy from the Powers. It's a good dream to be in, though – can't complain. Wouldn't mind so much, being in it forever.//
//You're alive. Take it from one who knows the difference.//
//Am I, then? But how would I know, one way or th' other? I don't know where I was, while I was... gone. So how can I know for sure if I'm still there?//
//You're here with me, with us. If you don't remember where you were before, well, that's probably for the best.// I tried to send him a smile, although his back was still turned to me. //Maybe you shouldn't try to remember. Just move on.//
//Not yet,// he sent back stubbornly, still refusing to turn around. //Are you just going to stand there until you burn?//
//We have a little time. I'm not going to leave this roof without you, you know.//
Finally an emotion came to me through the link, but it wasn't clear. It felt like something lost somewhere between anger and pain.
//Why did you bring me back? It wasn't your fault I got away with slugging you like that. Hey, I'm the one who cheated, caught you by surprise. It was my choice, all the way. You didn't have to work yourself up feeling guilty.//
//Guilt is not the word for what I felt – or what Cordelia felt, either.//
His thoughts fell silent for a moment. I waited, feeling him gradually sorting out his uncertainty and trying not to rush him, despite the nearness of the sunrise.
//You two... you didn't even really know me, either one of you. How could I mean that much to you?//
//You do.//
//Maybe you shouldn't be meddling with things the Powers have already decided. Man, you and Cordelia were screwing around with some seriously snakey magic. Who knows what price we'll all have to pay for this?//
//Whatever it is, we'll pay it, willingly.//
//Why?// he asked simply.
//I guess I'll just have to take a lifetime to show you.//
//Could be a short one, if you don't get in out of the sun right about now.//
//Come back downstairs with me, then. Don't let Cordelia wake up alone.//
He hesitated, still looking out at the brightening world below.
The question in his mind was so faint that it almost failed to reach me.
//Am I supposed to be here?//
//You're supposed to be – wherever we are. You're part of us now. Come on inside.//
Finally, he turned back toward me, his face reflecting the first sunlight. It was so bright that I could see only a glow.
//All right,// he sent quietly. //I guess it's time to find out what comes next.//
And we went in.
The End
