May 21,2000

Dear J,

When I went to work today, I was a little bit nervous, I talked Jim into letting me handle the whole situation with Benson and Patterson. And I know I can do it, but I am still really, really nervous. I hate that they make me feel this way. I hope that Jim doesn't know how badly off I am.

I meet up with the two of them and ask them if they can go to lunch with me today and they tell me they would love to. Oh yeah, this is going to be good. We all went to a Chinese place downtown and we had an hour, so we could take our time. I informed them that I had heard about what they said. I told them a friend had heard them say this. I said, first of all, we are not in high school; we are officers of the law for god's sake. Grow up. And secondly, I am in love with someone and I don't fuck around on him. Both of them got this grin on their face and said, is it Ellison? I just smiled and said, why do you care? They said they didn't. We finished up lunch, them saying that everything was worked out, they said how sorry they were and so on. And I was being the idiot that I believed them.

When I got home tonight, Jim was just sitting in the dark and told me he wanted to talk to me. Serious business. No jumping into bed, just want to talk. He doesn't do talking well, but I can. He gives me a weird smile and starts in saying that he doesn't think this is going to work out. He said he couldn't do it anymore. He first of all can't have anyone talking about his love life at the station. Its bad enough if it's a woman, but come on, we know how it is. Gay lifestyle doesn't exactly work in the work place in Major Crimes. I am just blown away. I don't even know what to say.

He said, I am so sorry, Blair, but I think we should just go back to being friends. And suddenly I know what happened. Those pricks at lunch went back to the station and told anyone and everyone about us. God, I can't believe that they did it. I just sat there with tears rolling down my face. Jim kept saying how sorry he was. He really tried, but wasn't strong enough for this type of relationship. I just sat there with my head shaking back and forth. I think I thought if I kept thinking no, it would go away. I looked up at Jim and saw he was crying too. Man, this sucks big time. You want to know what is Jim's biggest fault? He cares too much what people think about him and his lifestyle. He will have to choose, and I am not accepting this choice as yet. And I am not going down without a fight. Simple as that. Okay, he wins this match, but he is in for the fight of his life. I am not giving him up easily.

I tell him I need to think and get some air. I ended up at Megan's, and she lets me cry on her shoulder. Then Megan told me to not fool around with this, make him want me back right off. Don't let him get over me for a second. Now I just have to figure out a plan. Okay, she is telling me that she could help if I wanted her to. I asked what ideas did she have and she told me that we were going to make him so fucking jealous he wouldn't know what hit him. Oh yeah, I love this idea more and more every second. I am bad, I know, as well as Conner.

I will finish this tomorrow, J, after we have a day of teasing my main man. Things will work out. I just know it has to. Or I will just have one of those doctors in the ER that knows us so well; sew us together, that way he is stuck with me. No matter what. I like that idea a lot.

May 22, 2000

Megan is flirting with me all day today and it is working, Jim is going nutso. I have had many people come up to me today and ask if I was fucking Jim. Just like that. I mean what do you say to people like that. So I ended up saying, well someone wanted to fuck me, and when I turned him down at lunch yesterday he said he would get me back, I guess that would be him. And damn if that didn't get around and Jim started perking up about the time we were going to go home. I told him I would see him later.

I went to Megan's after work and I stayed the night. I was a good boy, but he doesn't know that. I met him at work the next day and I had a hickey on my neck. Well, okay, I asked her for something to push him along. He went nuts, grabbing me and taking me into the first interrogation room and slamming the door. He said, what the fuck are you doing? And I asked him why he would care. I mean, really, why would he. He is the one that broke up with me.

He told me he had been hearing things. Now that things were cooling down and thought maybe we should try this a little more quietly this time. J, by this time, I am seething and can't see straight, although, I might try after this shit with him. I told him not only no, but hell no. I told him he was such a coward and he is such a shit. I was close to tears and I ran out of the room and into the bullpen. I knew it would be quiet and safe there. He wouldn't try anything there; I would be able to think. I mean I do have a life and my job. I had paperwork and interviews to take care of. I asked Simon if I could be teamed with Megan for a while. He knew something was up, but agreed to it for the time being.

When I got home that night, Jim was sitting there in the dark again and told me I was right, I am always right and he was so sorry and wanted to try it again. And I told him, nope, not going to work this time, big guy. Begging won't work, although, I wouldn't mind hearing him, tears won't work, they only upset me and no amount of sweet talk is going to do the trick. He didn't know what to do, so asked how he could fix this. I told him that as soon as he could come out in Major Crimes, not just our friends, but also the entire MC, I might consider it. The look in his eyes told me I had him and he wanted me bad. I am a demon seed, I tell you. He wants me bad.

I slept in the office last night and Jim was moody as hell this morning. It is working. Well, we were right in the middle of discussing something, and Megan came up and asked me if I could go to lunch with her and Jim grabs me and told her no, he was taking me to lunch and right in front of everyone, he dips me and lays a big wet one on me. It was so great. Everyone started clapping, Jim was embarrassed, but I of course loved it. Okay, J, I guess we are officially back together. I knew we would be, but for about ten minutes I was a little bit scared.

Things are going well, we are happy again. I hope this continues. Thanks for being here and listening to my woes. Here is my poem for today.

The only bad thing is Simon says we might have to be separated, but he would work with Jim for the time being till we worked it out. Can't' have everything, eh? We have a long road to haul ahead. He needs to work on this and I need to work on him.

My Boyfriend's Back

I am so happy, Jim is mine again.
He is making me smile and laugh.
He was lost, now he is found.
And this is what he needed all along.

I am so happy to be back in his arms.
No troubles will come our way from now on.
So good to have him back, what else can I say?
I love you, Jim, and please tell me you will always be here.

BS