July 24th, 2000
Dear Blair:
Well, I haven't been keeping the journal very well. I have been so busy trying to figure out what you are up to. You are driving me nuts. Not that I had too far to drive. You won't tell me anything about this undercover assignment you have been on and neither will Simon. He said to just leave it alone. Yeah, like I can do that. I have been told I have control issues, well damn it I want to be in control of this. What the hell are you doing every day and some nights, Chief?
I am starting to pace so much that I have worn a path in the rug. And when you are here you pay attention to me and seem to really want to be with me. How can you do that if you won't share your life with me all the time? Okay, so I am being a little immature. Sue me. I never once said I was sensible. I guess that would be sensible :) I have to say something to make myself smile. You aren't here again tonight. I miss you babe. I miss you bad. I can't sleep right without you by my side. I like the sounds of your breathing. It seems to calm my heart and soul. Please come home tonight. I don't want to sleep alone.
It is three in the morning and I am up writing to you, because you are still not home. I am out of my mind with worry. Oh shut up. I know I am already out of my mind. But this is just making it worse. It has been three days since we made love and I miss that feeling. That is not all. I miss your voice; I love to hear you talk. Everyone does. We all miss you. But I miss you the most. I don't want you to think that I equate the missing of you by Conner as the same as me. :( Never happen, Babe.
Things at work are going pretty good. Well, I hate Conner sometimes. She drives me bonkers with her stupid sayings from Australia. I know, I know, it is just because I don't get them. I know I should ask her. But I hate to get her started. You can't shut her up once she starts in. And she thinks that we are all very strange indeed. Yeah, pot calling the kettle black. My senses are doing good, I don't have any complaints other than I hate working with Conner. Miss No It All. Did I already mention this? It bears mentioning again.
Conner asked me to go out for beers with her tonight, can you imagine what that would be like? Geez, the next thing you know someone will think that there is something going on between us. And I can't have that. All right, I already know that you will tell me I am being unfair to Conner. I will try and be nicer tomorrow at work and maybe I will ask her to go for "one" beer. We will see. Joel keeps asking about you, I can tell he misses you a lot. He likes your voice too. :) He told me he misses your cooking. I offered to have him come over and I would make something and he said, he would wait until you got home. Go figure.
Oh I hear your car coming up the road. Hot damn. I am exhausted and I am still saying hot damn. I am running up the stairs, throwing my clothes off. I am waiting, naked for you, my life mate. I can hardly breathe.
You get upstairs and you are exhausted and tell me that you really don't want to talk or anything else. I am in shock. I just stare at you and ask you what is going on. You said you don't want to talk about it now. But everything is okay. Oh yeah, I believe that one. I am so close to crying and you know I don't cry that often. I feel like I am losing you. Babe, I can't stand this being apart and you not being able to talk to me. Please talk to me tomorrow. I need you. My life is empty without you.
I don't want to do the poem, but I promised you I would, so I will. This is how I feel tonight.
Silence would surround me.
Death would be welcomed.
The emptiness would close in on me.
Sadness would be with me forever.
No one could help me.
No one would be able to reach me.
I can't live without you.
I love you, Blair.
Please be all right.
Jim