July 26th, 2000

Dear Blair:

I am growing up, finally. I am getting a brain. I feel so great not wondering what you are doing, because I know you are working. Doing your job just like I would be doing mine. There is nothing else. And I owe it all to this Journal. I read the posts in here over and over again and realized what a jerk I have been. Totally. You are doing a great job, Blair, and I admire you and I do trust you. So finish your undercover work, and I will be here waiting for you when you get home. I decided that in my spare time I would try to use my senses to practice. I'll be careful, you don't have to worry.

First sense is hearing. I sit back and open myself up and I hear a baby crying. It is a sad cry, like it is wounded. Maybe he or she is teething. I hear the parents coming into the room and hushing this baby and telling him it is okay to go to sleep. All right, I shouldn't be listening to other people's conversations. I knew you were just about to say that too. So, I will stop. So now my hearing is going out finding something that would not be intrusive to anyone. I hear the cars on the highway; I can tell if they need to have their tires rotated. Wow. This is awesome. Who would think I would be able to do that? Not me. I can hear the hum of the electric lights on the streets. They about make me crazy. It almost hurts my ears to listen to that. And then when the lights change and the walk sign comes on, it is a very strange sound. Especially from up here. I can't put it into words. But I will have to tell you about it.

Touch is next. I decide to use you as my anchor. I hold on to your pillow and that grounds me. I can smell you. It is wonderful. I can feel the texture of the sheets where they are woven. Very cool. You would be in heaven right now, Chief. I am going around just absorbing things by touch alone. It is fan fucking tastic. These are the times that I love being a sentinel.

My eyes are going to test next. I am watching out the window looking down the street to see how far I can see. And low and behold who do I see a couple of miles away? My main man. My reason for living. Time to stop this and calm down, pull myself back from this experience and just relax. I can tell you when you get home.

I know by the sounds of your walk that the case is done. You are walking like a man on a mission. Oh how I love when you go all crazy on me. You will no doubt think I have done really well this week. I am proud of myself for starting to grow up. Too bad it took so long. Oh well, at least I am doing it. Better late, than never, eh Chief? I am going to make sweet love to you and make you never want to leave our home again. We have the next two days off. You are going to be thrilled. I think I will calm down here and wait and see how you feel. Then we can take it from there. I want you so badly, but not enough to jeopardize my growth I have done all week. It was hard, but time well spent. Blair, I love you so much and I am so glad that you gave me this to write in. It has been my salvation.

Here is one of those stinking poems that I have to do. Why do I hate them so much? This is something that you and I should discuss. Although you told me you didn't want to discuss my Journal. I am glad you are home in one piece and even more glad that I am okay with you having your new job and real life. I do love you, now I will hope to show you.

Growing Up

More than an acquaintance, more like a mate.
I might get up the courage to go on a dancing date.
Confidant and ally, that is for sure.
And I hope to God that they never find a cure.
I have become more secure in my life.
I don't have all of the old everyday strife.
Confident, assured and stable as hell.
I can do all of these now, and do them well.
The New Jim wants to safeguard you.
But he knows just how much to do.
I am more adult now, and much stronger.
As I lay on the bed, with my cock getting longer.
Perfection is flawless and I am not that.
I can hear you laughing, I have that down pat.
Our relationship is sound, impeccably assuring.
I am touching myself now, and have started that purring.
The affection I have for you fills my soul up to the brim.
And I melt in your arms when you say, I love you, Jim.
Past fondness now, and into worship and desire.
When I think of you and me, it is like starting a fire.
We are loyal and passionate, only for each other.
It is wonderful to feel, this love for one another.

Jim