August 6th, 2000

Dear Blair:

Today we went out on a call and it was just a routine call. We thought it would be nothing to worry about. But it turned out to be something a lot different. We should have worried a great deal. We weren't even really watching what we were doing. The Six of us, were fooling around, instead of paying attention and almost lost one of us. Chief, when I saw the bullet take you down, I thought I was going to die. And I couldn't go to you, because I had to help the bystanders out first. Thank God Brown took over for me. It was one of my worst nightmares. I was so scared. The entire time I was getting the perp with Rafe, I was shaking. Rafe told me afterwards it really scared him. He had never ever seen me like this. You have been hurt before, but now we are lovers and that makes it even harder to deal with. Well, at least for me.

When the ambulance comes to take you to the hospital, they have to start your heart twice and then they started running saying they had to get you there as soon as possible. God, I was so scared. Blair, I love you so much and I don't want anything to happen to you. WE all got to the hospital and they tried to keep me out, but Simon pushed our way in. The doctor said that you would need surgery but they had to try to stabilize you first. Your heart was going so slow that I was scared to leave for even one second. Please don't leave me, Blair, please. Simon asked if he could do anything while we wait for you to get out of surgery. The first thing I thought of was this book. I told him I needed to write for you. Just for you. So Simon went home, got me a change of clothing and brought up this book. He doesn't seem to find it odd that I keep a journal. I wondered if he would.

I have been waiting for six hours now. I can hear your heartbeat so that is keeping me calm. You are the only thing that is keeping me sane right now. The Doctor came out and told us that you did very well and would be in your room in about three hours. I asked him if I could stay with you and he said, yes, the police could stand guard in the room all night if need be. So, Simon and I didn't say a thing about that. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

I am writing religiously in this book while waiting for you to wake up. You would be so proud of me. I didn't throw anyone out a window, I didn't scream at anyone and I have been just writing everything down for you. Please wake up, Blair. I need you to smile at me and tell me you will be all right. Please do this, okay?

I am watching you in the bed. You are breathing on your own now. You still haven't come to, but your vitals are much better. The doctor said that your blood work looked good also. As I watch you, I am thinking about our night last night before this nightmare. And a smile reaches my face. I made such sweet love to you. I love when I do it slow and make you beg me to go faster. Makes me hotter than ever. I reached over and held your hand and told you exactly this same thing. I know you will appreciate it. And I know you can hear me. I have faith. I have hope. I have love. You are all of these wrapped into one package. I am the luckiest person on the face of the earth. I adore you.

I started falling asleep but I am afraid that I will miss you waking up, so I keep writing more. Not that there is much to say. I mean we are in a hospital room for goodness sakes. But still, I want to say I did something. The nurses just brought me in some coffee and said that your vitals are getting stronger by the hour. I know you will be waking up soon. I can't wait.

Everyone from Major Crimes has come by to see how you are doing; they all seem to be disappointed that you aren't awake yet. I keep telling them, you just need to sleep some more. And quietly they leave and make me promise that I will call with any news. I will do that; I know they are feeling guilty. I know I am.

Well, this is day three and you are still sleeping. But you are mumbling, so that is a good sign. I knew you could do it, Blair. Please wake up and smile for me. I need to see your eyes sparkle. I promise once you wake up, I will go back to work; I will leave you alone now and then. I am just too afraid right now. As I am writing this, you open your eyes and you smile a sleepy smile at me. My heart about leapt out of my chest. God, what you do to me. I told you how much I loved you and then you fell back to sleep.

The doctor says you are going to pull through just fine. You have insisted that I go back to work and keep everyone out of trouble. This is so typical of you. Always looking out for everyone else. Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Well, this is going to turn out to be an okay day? You get to come home. Thank God. I hate sleeping in the chair at the hospital. And I hate when everyone says, go home, we will stay with him. I just couldn't leave at night. I can't sleep without you.

Tonight I won't even bitch or complain about the stupid assed poem I have to write. I know I should have done more than this, but hey, can't have it all.

Loss

Can't think.
Can't eat.
Can hardly breathe.
They tell me you are bad off.
They tell me you might not make it.
They have no idea what kind of fighter you are.
I have all the confidence in the world.
I know you will be all right.
You will come home.
You love me.
I love you.
We need to be together.
This is how is should be.
This is how it will be.
Always together.
This is love.
Not loss.

Jim