I awoke to the feeling of deep loss. I knew that today was Mother's Day, but I also knew that Naomi was out of the country and would be nowhere near a phone. So I decided that after Jim went to the races with Simon I would write to her. I would let her know how I really feel about her and also maybe write a poem. Why is it that sometimes you never outgrow the need for your Mom? I miss her so terribly. And since the mess with her sending in my Thesis, things had only gotten worse. And don't think I don't know how she really feels about me being a cop now. Too much to think about this early in the morning.

Now I am also feeling really guilty, because you don't see Jim moping around the loft all day, feeling sorry for himself. He hasn't seen his Mom since he was eight. He is not teary eyed and depressed. Get a grip, Sandburg. I really need to settle these things in my life. Besides I don't want to upset Jim in any way. I could see him now, wanting to hold me, and love me through all of this. But you know what? It is time for me to grow up and do things on my own. I am not dragging Jim through this with me.

Simon came to pick Jim up for the races at 10:00, so I begged off saying I just wanted to lounge. He kept looking at me but I made sure he knew I was fine. I kissed him in front of Simon, so then he knew things were probably going to be okay. He is pretty insecure himself. What a pair we are. I know they will have a good time, glad to see them leave though.

As soon as they are out the door, I get my laptop out and start to work. I am not quite certain what I will say yet, not even certain of what all I feel. I just know that I am lonely for my Mom today and need her to know that. Geez, Sandburg, you sound like you are five years old.

I have more or less decided on what I want to say, so I start working on it. I will think before I send it off though. Once it is sent it will be too late to get it back. I have to be sure to say just the right things. I want to express everything just so.

I open up my email and begin.

*~*~*~*~*

Dear Mom:

Happy Mother's Day to you. I woke up this morning wanting to have your arms around me. I know that I keep telling you that I am all grown up and need space. But you know what? Don't listen to me anymore Mom. I miss you so much. I want you to hold me. I need you to tell me everything will be all right. I need you to tell me you love me. Because Mom, I love you so much and I don't tell you often enough. Well, I don't.

I have a few things to cover with you. Then I will feel better about us. First of all, I am no longer mad about you sending in my thesis. I know you meant well. I knew it then. I just wanted to blame someone and you were the easy target. I shouldn't have left it out and easy to get to. I know that you would not do anything to hurt me or Jim in any way. I know this. So basically what I am saying here, is it was my fault. I take responsibility for both of us. We screwed up, Mom. Doesn't change the fact that I love you. And you know Jim never blamed you. I know you think he did. But he was mad at only me. Never you. He loves you, Mom. And he forgave me as I did him.

Next thing to address would be, how do you feel about me being a cop now? I know you don't think it was a good move for me. You think I am above this job. But you know what? I love it. I do a good job. I am respected and not just by Simon or Jim. They all show me nothing but respect. I have great friends, I have started classes for Forensic Science and hope to boost my career up somewhat that way. Being a Profiler is my dream. I am really good at this. I hope you can live with that. Please understand that this is what I want. What I desire. Not what Jim desires. Me. This was my choice and glad to have had the chance to choose it.

Now the really big thing I need to talk to you about. I have been putting this off forever it seems. I have been afraid to tell you. But I feel like I want to be closer and this is one way to do it. You will either be okay with it, or you will hate me forever. Mom, please don't hate me. I don't know if I could stand that. Promise me you will think about it first before you get mad, angry or hateful. Okay?

All right I have put it off enough. I have been in love with Jim for about two years now. And I finally told him about it eight months ago. And come to find out, he feels the same way about me. Jim and I have both been with a couple of guys, so this wasn't like totally out of the blue. But I thought he was Mr. Straight America. And he thought I was the Babe Magnet. So both of us ignored the signs all around us that whole time. We wasted a lot of time. Fear kept us apart and almost drove us apart even when we started sleeping together. It has been hard.

Simon knows about us and so do all of our friends in Major Crimes. They are great. I want you to get to know them someday. You will like them all. But the most important thing is I want you to love Jim. He is so fantastic. He loves me like you would not believe. He would die for me, and I mean this. I know I did die for him. We love each other so much. He is a good man, and I wish you could be here so I could tell you face to face. Mom, please don't be mad at Jim. Promise?

I also wanted you to be here because I know that Jim misses his Mom. I know that you aren't his, but he loves you. He would have loved spending the day with you and me. I sent him off today with Simon so I could write this without worrying about him feeling bad in any way. Will you think about coming to see us soon? Anytime would be good with us. We have a spare room now. :)) Thought maybe you could use a little humor about now.

All right, Mom, how are you doing at this point? I am so nervous about sending this off. I won't be able to see the look on your face. I won't be able to hear from you anytime soon. God, I miss you. And now I am crying. Shit, I hate when I get like this.

Have I ever told you what a great Mom you were? You showed me life through your eyes and what an exceptional life that was. I have learned so much from you. And I thank you for it. I have always been very proud of you. I couldn't have asked for a better Mom. Thank you for being there for me whenever I needed you.

I wrote a little poem for you. Nothing great. But this is from Jim and me.

Mother

To have you as a Mother has been a pure joy.
We are so very glad to be called your boys.
We love you, Naomi, with all of our hearts.
Even when you are gone, and we are apart.
Do you know what you have meant to me?
Look at my life now, and you will be able to see.
Do you know how much you mean to Jim?
Just look at his life and you will be able to see him.
You belong to us both now, I hope that this is fine.
Because when it comes to you, you couldn't be just mine.
Stuck with us both, to the very end.
And with this poem, our love we do send.

Blair and Jim

I love you so much, Mom. I hope to talk to you soon.

*~*~*~*~*

Okay, I just sent the email off and now I am already panicking. Geez, what was I thinking? What the hell is wrong with me? How could I send something like that in an email? I am working myself up to quite the panic attack. I didn't even hear the front door open. I am now being smothered by Jim with kisses and hugs. He is asking me over and over again what is wrong. I keep crying, and then all of a sudden I realize that Simon is still here. OH God, could this get much worse? And suddenly Simon was over and had his arms around both of us. And he kept saying, Blair tell me, what is wrong. But I couldn't even talk. I just kept crying. And they just stood there holding me. Well, Simon was holding, Jim was holding and crying. I knew Jim was on the verge of a panic attack himself. So I finally had to come out of this and try to calm down. I asked if I could just run in and clean my face up. They both said they understood. I look in the mirror and can't believe how terrible I look. No wonder Jim was worried.

I came walking out of the bathroom and sit down at the kitchen table. They both sat down and just waited patiently. The phone was suddenly ringing and Jim picked it up in his usual way. "Ellison." And all of a sudden he got really quiet, both Simon and I were watching him now. He just kept saying yes, over and over again. And he sat down on the sofa and just kept nodding to whomever was on the phone. And all of a sudden he started crying so hard, I have never heard Jim cry. Never. I have seen him cry, but not heard. And he was sobbing.

I ran to the sofa and threw the phone at Simon and took Jim into my arms and asked him what was wrong. I just kept telling him how much I loved him and I wanted to help him. He smiled at me through his tears and said, it was my Mom on the phone. My heart sunk. Then he told me that she was on her way to see us. She would be here in the morning. And I kept asking him, then why are you crying? And he told me because she just told him how much she loved having two sons in her life now. And that she could not be more proud of both of us. And that she loved me.

Suddenly Jim looked at me and said, "Babe, you have no idea how badly I needed to hear this from her." I smiled and told him I was glad. I just kept kissing him. Then all of a sudden Simon said "I will take over here, Sandburg, your Mom wants to talk to you."

I got on the phone and had a big smile on my face as she told me that she was waiting for something from me. She wanted to be a part of our lives, but didn't feel like she deserved it any longer. God, I felt bad then. I told her how much I loved her and she started crying. What a day for tears, eh? I can't wait to get her here so I can hold her in my arms and tell her to her face how much she means to me. She said she had to go and catch her flight. She would see us tomorrow morning.

I walked over to the sofa and Simon and Jim were just sitting there talking and Simon got up and said, "Well, you both have a lot to talk about, so I will see you in a week." That's right, a week off. Cool.

As Simon leaves he tells us to take care. What a great friend he is. One of the best.

I sat down next to Jim and took him into my arms. He smiled and said "Chief, lets take this upstairs, okay?" So off we went and I could see this being one of the best Mother's Day's I had ever had. I am surrounded by love. Jim loves me, Mom loves me and our friends love us all. So, what more could a guy ask for? Right? Well, I could start by asking him to do something wonderful with that tongue that is making it's way into my mouth. Man, this is going to be good.

Sleep came to us both so easily. Who would have thought that our day would turn out this way? Jim asked if he could read the poem and the letter to Naomi. Then he asked if I minded him loving her like a Mom too? He is so sweet sometimes. Mom is going to be in heaven.

Happy Mother's Day, Naomi.

Time for me to let go of all of my anger and write something nice for you. Hope I did you justice.