Disclaimer: George owns Star Wars. I own this lovely piece
of...well, it ain't so lovely, but hey, it's mine.
Notes: Y'all can blame Tera for this one. The foursome was her
idea. I'm sorry, I just couldn't get myself to make it any smuttier.
Pairing: Q/O/J/R2D2
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Obi-Wan, JarJar, and R2 don't like it when Qui-Gon goes
to meet his "friend" Xffffzeesizzzzzzzz at spacer bars.
"Meesa think Meester Qui-Gon isa doin somethin bad!"
Obi-Wan looked up from the droid attachment he was repairing. JarJar was fidgeting in the doorway. They'd been on Coruscant for two days, and Qui-Gon had spent every night with JarJar, enjoying the pleasures of the Gungan's tongue.
"What's wrong?"
"Heesa goin to a spacer bar. Ye gods!"
"What's wrong with that? He always goes to spacer...JarJar, are you jealous?"
"Meesa not jealous! Meesa just...ahhhh...concerned."
"Why are you concerned?"
"Heesa...mmm...gotta friend."
"Oh. You mean that guy whose name I can't pronounce."
"Xffffzeesizzzzzzzz."
"That one. OK, I can see how you'd be worried. Let me finish this and we'll go get him."
"What is?"
"R2D2 broke this last night. I'm fixing it for him."
"But what is?"
Obi-Wan blushed. "A paddle."
"Heesa astromech! Whatfor heesa gotta paddle?"
"Uh, no reason." Obi-Wan put down his tools and walked over to R2, who was standing quietly in the corner. "Hey. Ready for your paddle?"
*tweeeeeeeeezzt* replied R2.
As the young Jedi began to reattach the implement, R2 continued. *twebrrp zzzzzifrr brrrp?*
"No, I still can't sit down. You got a little rough. It's OK, really. I should have safeworded when it started to hurt like hell."
*ffrrrrrpppp*
"Look, I'm sorry, I got into my bottom space and completely tripped out. You were great."
*teezrp niibr*
"Sure, you can come to the bar with us."
*zrrriii*
"Yes, Master Qui-Gon's got a little problem. His new boyfriend doesn't want him to hang out with his old boyfriend."
*xffffzeesizzzzzzzz*
"That's the one. Lets go."
The three of them headed for the central spaceport, and the accompanying seedy bars. Qui-Gon's favorite haunt was The Slippery Wookiee, which was always full of long-tongued denizens from hundreds of planets.
And it was Xffffzeesizzzzzzzz's home away from home. Which, if JarJar's fidgeting was any indication, was no secret. "Meesa worried," he said.
"Oh, don't worry."
"Meesa tongue too long!"
"How could your tongue possibly be too long?"
"Meesa, mmm, humans get hairy palms, yes? Gungans, mmm, weesa get--"
"You're kidding. So you masturbated too much?"
"Ahh, yes."
"Trust me, JarJar. With Qui-Gon, you can never have a tongue that's too long."
*twiiiiitrrrp*
"You can say that again, R2!"
They reached the Slippery Wookiee and went inside. The bartender greeted Obi-Wan enthusiastically. "Hey! Boy! Your Master has been buying rounds for the house for the past hour. Whatever's put him in such a good mood is great for business."
"Meet JarJar Binks," replied Obi-Wan. "Longest tongue on Naboo."
"Ah! Let me buy you a drink!"
"Nono. Meesa worried! Isa Xffffzeesizzzzzzzz been here?"
"Yeah. About half an hour ago. Qui-Gon bought him six Hutt Jizzwizzers and broke up with him. We thought we were in for a scene, but Xffffzeesizzzzzzzz passed out four drinks in."
"Why can everyone pronounce that name except me?" complained Obi-Wan.
"OBI-WAN!" Qui-Gon nearly tripped over his own feet as he ran to greet his Padawan. "Obi-Wan, you came to my party!"
"What?"
"My party! And you brought my boyfriend! And your boyfriend! Let's all get drunk and get laid! On the bar!"
"I don't think the bartender would appreciate that, Master. Let's get you home." He grabbed Qui-Gon's arm and dragged it over his shoulders. "JarJar, get the other side, will you? Jace, what's the tab?"
"6000 Republic."
*teeeffft*
"I couldn't agree more."
"JarJar, baby, you know I love you, right?" said Qui-Gon as Obi-Wan searched through his Master's robes for his credit chit. "Why you getting so grabby? Just wait till we get back to my place." Obi-Wan found the chit and paid the bar tab, and then he and JarJar dragged Qui-Gon out of the bar, with R2D2 applying judicious jolts of electricity to the Jedi Masters ass to keep him moving.
"JarJar," confided Qui-Gon, "I think Obi-Wan likes to be spanked."
"Meesa not sayin," JarJar said.
"No, really. I know he's doing something with that droid. Damn thing's had its paddle broken three times since we left Tatooine. Hey, JarJar, do you think Obi-Wan likes me?"
"Yousa his Master."
"I mean likes. Do you think we could get him to sleep with us?"
"Meesa not askin. Yousa askin."
"Where is he?"
"Ye gods! Nexta you!"
Qui-Gon rolled his head around to address his Padawan. "Obi-Wan, will you sleep with us?"
"Only if R2 can come."
"Can droids come? I didn't know that. Sure, R2 can come."
*trrrrfeeeee*
Obi-Wan sighed. "I know my ass still hurts, R2. But I'll be OK."
"JarJar can fix that," Qui-Gon said. "Can we sing a song?"
"NO!"
Obi-Wan and JarJar exchanged looks behind Qui-Gon's bent head, and started to run.
When they reached the relative safety of the Jedi Master's quarters, they quickly divested Qui-Gon of his robes and shoved him onto the bed. "Aren't you guys joining me?" he asked, plaintively.
They looked at each other.
"Sure," said Obi-Wan.
"Meesa tongue gettin a workout today, all right," said JarJar.
*fweeepp* said R2D2, and extended the paddle.