Pairing: Q/O (implied)
Posted: May 28, 1999
Rating: G
Series: Nope. Belongs in the same world as "Landslide" - 'Twin
Destinies' parallel stories.
Spoilers: The end of "Phantom Menace", with spoilers for the
movie.
Summary: Various thoughts before and during the funeral.
Warnings: I don't use betas. :( Any mistakes are solely my fault
and the fault of my *#^&@ spellcheck.
There was nothing that I could do; I ordered the guards to stay, for as long as it took, to make sure that no-one disturbed him - them. I don't think that I shall ever be able to think of either of them any other way but together. Always two, standing together.
I should be happy; my people are free, and I am happy, but it is at such great cost. The lives of my people, and the Gungans, and Master Qui-Gon, all of whom are now gone. Peace always comes at a cost; it is always too terrible to be paid.
There is to be a celebration where I will stand, and be united with all of the peoples who share my homeworld, and all who defended her, and I will be happy, because I must. Because I am. But now, we are still handling the task of honouring those whom we have lost. There are too many funerals.
It was Annie, of course, who raced past the guards; not even they could stop him. Annie who wanted to tell both of them what he'd done, like we were back at the podrace and Qui-Gon would hoist him on his shoulders, triumphant. It was Annie who brought him out, so the guards could remove the body. Both of them looked infinitely older, somehow - I looked into their eyes and I saw the future. There are still two, and yet - it is not the same, and it never shall be. I hope that they can be good for each other; I hope that with my whole heart.
Now I must dress; the funeral will be starting soon, and I cannot be late. I can hear the music already in the distance; it is sad, and it makes me think of him.
They were all telling me to stop when I ran past but I didn't listen - Mom always told me that was one of my biggest problems, that I didn't listen. All I could think about was the fact that I'd done it - I'd been the one who blew up the Federation ship - and I wanted to tell them about it before anyone else did. I wanted to tell them how cool it had been, how it just seemed to happen; I wanted them to be proud of me. I thought maybe that would make them believe that I was good enough.
I've never seen a man crying before. I didn't think a Jedi ever died. I thought Master Qui-Gon was going to train me. I thought he was going to watch out for me. He promised.
I miss my mother. I wish I could see her again, and tell her what happened - what I did. I wish she'd come and take me back from here. If Master Qui-Gon is gone, then where do I belong? Do I go back to Tatooine again? That wouldn't be so bad, even if I had to be a slave.
It's cold here, too; the only place where it seems to be warm is near the fire. I wonder, if they don't let me go home, if I'll ever really be warm again.
Troubled, I am, about this boy. There is much darkness in him, but the others will not listen. The future they do not see; they have lost one of their own, and feel, they do, as do I, the loss. The circle is coming undone.
No doubt had I at the time that Master Qui-Gon and the boy - Obi-Wan - would come together. Foreseen, it was; struggles, there were many. But not this one - allow it I could not, Qui-Gon to become his Master. So now, it will be Obi-Wan. It is the will of the Council. Clouded, his future is; there is much darkness in him, and fear. The Chosen One, he may be; but coldness I can feel whenever I am near him.
Worried, I am, too, about the man. Still so young, he is, and he has lost his Master; easy, it would be, for him to lose his way. Now is the time - when he is vulnerable - lose him we could, to the Dark Side. Whatever happens with he and the boy, that I cannot allow. If a sacrifice between the boy and the man there is to be made, there is no choice. There is something greater in the man; that, I have seen.
Wondered, I did, why his Master did not see it, as well.
I am not ready.
I could not lift him in my arms as he used to do me, so easily. I felt sometimes, when I stood near him, as though I hadn't truly grown up; I was never anywhere near as large as he, and there was always time in front of us. But I'm the one who is still here, and that must mean something. It must mean that I am ready, even though I do not - can not - feel it.
I am a Jedi Knight; it is meant to honour him, and yet - something inside me screams that it is a mistake, that I am not ready. But I must push those feelings down. They are only my fear and sorrow talking, and I cannot afford to listen. I have a debt to repay, and the boy is the way that I can do it. I can fulfill my promise, and then - maybe - he will be proud of me.
I will not believe it until the fire dies down, until there is nothing left of him but ash. I will not believe it because I do not want it to be true, even though I watched it with my own eyes, even though I took up his fallen lightsaber to avenge his death, even though I held his head in my hands and wept as he took his final breath. He told me he had foreseen that I would be a great Jedi Knight; he could not have foreseen that it would come so soon.
I am not ready.