Acknowledgment: to Black Rose, who made us do it for art's sake.
Archive: M_A, SWAL, OKEB, QJEB, DMEB, Sith_Chicks, SWFF, etc. - anyone else silly enough to want it, just ask nice *G*
Archive Date: January 27, 2000
Category: Humor/Parody
Disclaimer: Dear George - we know it, we're all sick. Sorry - but it had to be done.
Notes: Austin Peay State University's favorite unofficial school cheer is used entirely gratuitously and without permission.
Rating: TS (Totally silly). Some inexplicit nudity and a little profanity. Implicit slash.
Summary: A little one-on-one gets out of hand.
Warnings: Oh just read it - if you get offended by this, you really need to relax. :-)

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Jack-Joe - that two-headed guy from Tatooine. We decided it just *had* to be him.
QuiCheer - our intrepid Jedi Master at his most perky (check out http://www.interq.or.jp/red/kagachi/sw/no_4.html for this one!)
RefYoda - the ultimate authority
RefMace - the ultimate higher authority [hee!]
Obi - the brave challenger
Michael Jordan - the cocky champion (and if he ever sees this, we apologize in advance and pray to all forgotten gods that you have a sense of humor, Michael dear!)
MaulCheer - the other guy (and no, we don't have a picture of Maul in his cheerleading outfit...some things are best left to the imagination.)
Innocent Bystander - (played this evening by Black Rose, who is solely responsible for all of this.)

(Jack-Joe) "Good Evening Ladies and Gentlebeings, wherever you are tonight. The Place - Coruscant's Valorum Round Garden Arena. The Stakes - bragging rights for the next millennium or two..."

(QuiCheer) "Fear leads to anger! Anger leads to hate! Kick Jordan's ass and become my mate! GOOOOOO TEAM!"

(Jack-Joe) "The Contestants - Padawan Learner Obi-Wan Kenobi of the Jedi Knights..."

(RefYoda snickers at QuiCheer.)

(Jack-Joe) "... and Michael Jordan, star center extraordinaire of the six time Galactic All-Star Champions, the Coruscant Bulls!"

(Jack-Joe) "Ah, I see the cheerleader is whipping the crowd into a sexual frenzy tonight!"

(Jack-Joe) "And isn't that a lovely thing! The cheerleader, I mean..."

(QuiCheer) "Crowd, hell. Where's my team?" (Jack-Joe) "It's a capacity crowd here, and the audience is in a somewhat chancy mood..."

(QuiCheer) "GIMME AN O!!!!" "GIMME A B!!!!!"

(Jack-Joe) "Odd how all the brown robes are on one side, and all the black robes are on the other, isn't it Jack?"

(QuiCheer) "GIMME AN I!!!!" "GIMME A GOOD FUCK TONI-- er, GOOO OBI!!!!"

(Jack-Joe) "Yes, it is, Joe - and let me tell you, I don't care what universe you're from, those guys in the black need a bath!"

(RefYoda runs up to the announcers) "Sith they are, I tell you!" (whack!) (RefYoda hits them in the knee.)

(Jack-Joe) "YYOOOWWWWW!"

(QuiCheer throws clip-on padawan braids into the crowd to build spirit.)

(Jack-Joe) "And here come our contestants, Obi-Wan and Michael, and the crowd goes apeshit!!"

(QuiCheer does a cartwheel across the court, making sure that Obi-Wan knows he is going regimental tonight - gotta give the lad something to fight for now, don't we?)

(Jack-Joe) "And our incredibly good looking young men are taking center court, Jack - who do you favor in this one?"

(Jack-Joe) "Well, Joe, Obi-Wan has quickness, agility, and youth on his side - not to mention an adorable cheering squad..."

(QuiCheer simpers and does a high kick to show some leg.)

(RefYoda ogles the kick.)

(QuiCheer gazes flirtatiously at the referee, waving a hand.) "Let the Obi win!"

(Jack-Joe) "...on the other hand Michael has experience, ability, steadiness, and a twelve-inch advantage - not to mention 6 championship rings if he decides to get physical."

(QuiCheer shows the bystanders his pompoms.)

(RefYoda) "Let the Obi.. ah.. Coin toss, we should."

(Obi-Wan goes to the center court with Yoda and Michael, watching his opponent intensely - when he can take his eyes of the cheerleader.)

(QuiCheer leads the crowd in a cheer.) "Go Obi, Go Obi, Go Obi!"

(RefYoda leers at his grand-Padawan) "Heads, call you?"

(QuiCheer gets glazey-eyed thinking of Obi and heads in the same breath...)

(QuiCheer) "Oh, the troll meant the coin. Damn..."

(Jack-Joe) "And they're all at center court now - jeez, I never really realized it, but that Obi kid is a short shit, ain't he?"

(QuiCheer glares up at the announcer.) "I'll have you know he's NINE INCHES!!!!"

(Jack-Joe) "And we're ready for the coin toss..."

(QuiCheer uses Force to bonk the announcer's heads together.)

(Jack-Joe) "Hey, watch it with the bazooms, kilt-boy!"

(RefYoda fumbles in his robes... pockets... pockets, I must have here somewhere...)

(QuiCheer saunters out and offers a coin to RefYoda.)

(QuiCheer snickers as Yoda accepts the 2-headed dactarie.)

(RefYoda) "Hah! Call it, young Kenobi..."

(Jack-Joe) "And here's the toss ..."

(QuiCheer uses the mind-whammy on Obi.) Call heads!

(RefYoda gooses his Padawan.)

(QuiCheer yowlps and flees for the sidelines.) "That gimer stick hurts! And he never lets me chew on it..."

(Obi calls heads - because that's all he can think about with his cheerleader around.)

(RefYoda) "Heads, is it! Begin Kenobi shall..."

(Michael) "Wait a minute...You don't start a basketball game with a coin toss..."

(RefYoda glares) "Problem, have you? Question the will of the Force, you do?" (RefYoda thunks Michael on the shin.)

(QuiCheer extends a hand and sneakily re-summons the cheat coin.)

(Michael) "Who the hell are you, shor - OOWW!"

(RefYoda) Hmmm. Judge me by my size, do you?" (WHACK!)

(Obi grabs the ball from his Grand-Master and darts around Jordan, heading for the hoop.)

(QuiCheer) "Who's got the ball? We do, we do! Who's got balls? He do, he do! Who wants ta be my baby? You do, you do! Come on Obi, score score score! "

(QuiCheer tosses a handful of padawan paddles into the crowd, emblazoned with "Obi" on them, and tucks one of 'em into the waistband of his mini-kilt for... later use.)

(Jack-Joe) "And Kenobi starts the game with a quick steal and a dash for the boards!"

(Michael) "What the hell? Is that legal??"

(Jack-Joe) "Odd, Jack, but some man in the crowd just stood up and shouted "I will MAKE it legal!"

(RefYoda studies his claw tips. "Say you something?")

(Jack-Joe) "Well, then Joe, I guess it is - better get hoofing, Michael..."

(Michael runs futilely after the short shit with the ball - or the balls, as it were...)

(QuiCheer) "Rah Rah Ree! Kick him in the knee! Rah Rah Rass! Kick him in the... waitaminnit, 'arse' doesn't rhyme. Hmmm...."

(QuiCheer gives up on the rhyme and undulates his skirted butt and tosses his hair, wigglin' it at the crowd instead.)

(Innocent Bystander leans over the edge of the bleachers to get a better view of the cheerleader and drools.)

(Obi stands at the top of the key, levitates to the hoop, and drops it in neatly - all net.)

(QuiCheer) "Come on Obi, slam it! You can do it, dammit!"

(RefYoda) "Point to Kenobi!"

(QuiCheer waves hand at Yoda.) "That was a three point shot!"

(RefYoda) "Hmmph. POINT, I say!" (thwack!)

(QuiCheer) "Owwwww!!!!" (QuiCheer does an impromptu one-legged Spirit Dance.)

(Michael) "Three points!?? No way, man - he was inside the line!!"

(QuiCheer manages to give Mikey a warning glare.) "Don't mess wit' my padawan, man."

(Michael) "Don't glare at me, you poof - I don't care how many Sith you've offed - this is my game."

(QuiCheer) "Oh yeah? Then why's my padawan ahead, huh?" (He puffs his chest out aggressively.)

(Michael glares frustratedly at the dominatrix in cheerleader's clothing and grabs the ball to head downcourt.)

(QuiCheer looks past Mikey and pales suddenly as Mikey's cheerleader comes out.) "That looks like... no, but it can't be..."

(Michael looks over his shoulder.) "Wonder who that bitch is?"

(MaulCheer) "At last we will defeat the Jedi, Michael! At last we will have our revenge!!" (brandishes double-ended pompom staff.)

(Jack-Joe) "There's some sort of disturbance on Michael's bench, Joe - oh my stars and garters, wouldja look at that!

(RefYoda foams at the mouth.) "SITH! SITH, I tell you!"

(MaulCheer jumps up on the bench and roars. He beheads a few spectators with his lethal pompoms.)

(Michael looks askance at his new - cheerleader? - and runs like hell for the basket.)

(Jack-Joe) "Man, somebody call the SWAT team - that little cheerleader is out of his mind!"

(Innocent Bystander boggles and ducks.)

(QuiCheer feels inside the all too brief miniskirt.) "Wrong one... no... damn, I left my lightsaber in my other pants!"

(Jack-Joe) "And the black robes in the crowd are going wild, Jack - they LOVE Michael's cheering squad!"

(MaulCheer exhorts the crowd to rise up and slay one another.)

(Michael jumps for the basket and is startled to feel himself being goosed in mid-air. He drops the ball in mid-shot.)

(RefYoda is still frothing and yelling "SITH!", banging his gimer stick repeatedly on the court...)

(QuiCheer waves a hand and the ball goes flying to Obi.)

(RefMace appears and thwaps RefYoda.) "They're DEAD, I tell you... damn. Remind me to check your meds."

(Michael) "Hey, aren't you gonna do anything? They cheated!"

(QuiCheer keeps a wary eye on Maul, starting a new cheer.) "Let's go pee! Let's go pee! Let's go pee on the Ref-fer-ree!!!!!"

(RefMace glares at Michael, with a spare sour look for QuiCheer. Michael looms over the new Referee.)

(RefMace) "Do you KNOW who're you're talking to, fool!?"

(Jack-Joe) "And there's definitely going to be a suspension here, folks, as Michael gets hostile with the referee!"

(QuiCheer's jaw gapes as he realizes that Maul just mind-whammied him into abusing a referee who was making a beneficial call! He narrows his eyes and glares at the Sith.) "That's it, buddy, I'm hauling out the BIG guns now!"

(MaulCheer responds in kind, waving his magnificently tattooed big gun.)

(Obi smirks as he watches MaceRef get totally pissed on - and off.)

(RefMace butts chests with Michael.) "You want a piece of ME?"

(QuiCheer gets out the jam box, puts in "Dance Till You Sweat" and starts to shimmy and kick a great dance routine.)

(Michael) "Hey, man, if you wanna pick it, I'm gonna finish it..."

(MaulCheer sneers and starts doing pompom katas.)

(Michael reaches for RefMace.)

(RefMace whips out a lightsaber and snarls.) "THAT'S a PERSONAL foul, Mutha!"

(QuiCheer does a handstand.)

(MaulCheer does a backflip and lands on top of the backboard.)

(Innocent Bystander peeks over the stands and ogles the regimental handstand with glassy eyes.)

(QuiCheer does a handstand-split.)

(RefMace ogles the split.)

(Innocent Bystander keels back over in a faint.)

(MaulCheer cuts the basket off Obi's backboard.) "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!"

(Obi) "Hey, where you going with that! Put that back, you flaming arsehole!"

(QuiCheer perks at the mention of flaming arseholes in that cultured voice.)

(RefMace eyes Michael and sizes him up for a swipe.)

(QuiCheer collapses as MaulCheer applies a Force-shove.) "OW! I think I sprained something!"

(QuiCheer pouts as he realizes that he has sprained his penis.) "Aw, SHIT."

(QuiCheer needs a padawan to tend to it... any volunteers???)

(Michael, eyeing the lightsaber nervously.) "Hey, wait a minute! What the hell is that ..."

(RefMace SNARLS and slices Michael in half!)

(Jack-Joe) "Oh boy, the ref is really mad now! And I don't care what universe you're from, that's GOTTA hurt!"

(MaulCheer heads for Qui with a roll of duct tape to wrap the sprain.)

(QuiCheer's eyes get REALLY WIDE.)

(RefMace) "I declare this match is OVER. Winner, and new champeeeeeenn.. OBI-WAN KENOBI!"

(QuiCheer leaps up and flees, shrieking.)

(RefMace runs after Qui to... ahh... help defend him. Yeah.)

(MaulCheer chases Qui.) "Get back here, duckie, and lemme doctor you!"

(Obi chases after them all, pouting.)

(Jack-Joe) "Well, Joe, with one of the contestants rather - occupied - at the moment, I guess we have a winner! Ladies and Gentlebeings of all planets! Our New Champion, OBEE-A-GOOD-BOY-TONIGHT KENOBI!!!"

(AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!)

(Innocent Bystander) "Yay!"

(MaulCheer vanishes into the locker room after Qui.)

(Obi) "Hey, wait a minute! Where you going with my cheerleader!! Come back here, you tissy-prissle pantywaist!"

(RefMace runs into the locker room, waving his 'saber wildly.)

(Obi follows MaulCheer and QuiCheer.)

(Jack-Joe) "Well folks, I guess that's all from Valorum Round Garden Arena! Good night, and may the Force stay Far, Far Away from you tonight!"

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