Archive: MA and SWAL
Archive Date: September 29, 2000
Category: Point of View, Angst
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me
Feedback: yes, any comments very welcome.
Notes: Thanks again to Smitty for the Beta.
Pairing: O/Lu
Rating: PG
Series: Good Intentions on the road to Hell
Spoilers: TPM, ANH
Summary: An upset Luke makes Obi-Wan a proposition. Obi-Wan considers
the past and finds a moment worth living in. Set just before the Falcon
arrives in the Alderaan sector in ANH.
I watch Luke use the lightsabre with the drone and I'm pleased. He learns fast, but that often happens with those strong in the Force and the Force is very strong in Luke; just like it was in his father. He is like Anakin in so many other ways that it makes my bones ache just to watch him.
However, in the time it took me to become lost in the past Luke started to tire and no longer moves with the Force.
"Enough, stop for now," I say. "You are losing your focus. The Force must flow naturally through you."
He stops, sighs heavily, takes off the helmet and turns to me.
"Today has been very difficult," I continue. "And tomorrow will not be much easier. Get some rest, we will continue in the morning."
Luke deactivates his father's lightsabre but looks more tired than ever.
"I don't want to sleep," he says and looks down at the ground. "I can just feel the nightmares waiting. I keep making lists of all the little things that Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru asked of me, things that I couldn't be bothered to do then and now never can."
He turns to me again. He looks like a lost child and I am painfully reminded of another time, another child.
"I can't remember the last time I thanked them for anything," he continues. "I keep thinking of all the times...."
"Luke," I interrupt for both his sake and mine. "Your Aunt and Uncle knew you cared. Keep them alive in your memory with the good times, not the bad. You were never a disappointment to them. Never doubt that. Never doubt yourself. You are strong, both in yourself and in the Force. Always remember that."
My words seem to bring him little comfort. However, he doesn't resist when I take him by the arm and guide him to the cabin that Captain Solo assigned to us. I enter first and sit on one of the bunks to wait. I want to make sure he sleeps before I go to meditate. Luke follows me in but still looks unsure of himself and remains standing, staring at the other bunk. Patiently, I wait.
"Ben," he says eventually, turning to me. "Look, I know how this sounds, but I don't want to sleep alone tonight. In fact, I don't want to sleep at all. I just want something to make me forget, for just a little while, everything that has happened today."
For once in my life I understand what Luke is asking. I look at him bemused. I'm a broken old man now, why should he want me? Perhaps he just needs a warm body and I'm the only one available. I'm about to tell him that I think he would sleep better alone when I realise that I have thought this before and have been so wrong.
Had I ever realised the effect that the granting, or denial, of my favours would have on the galaxy I would have put a sign on my door saying 'Open for business, all welcome' and anyone could have come in and done whatever they pleased.
I refused Qui-Gon this favour because I wanted the future to be sure, but I learned that nothing is certain when our future was ripped away and I was left blind to everything but my loss.
Anakin never asked until it was too late and I, so lost in my grief, never thought that he could feel towards me as I had felt towards my Master. I gave Anakin what love I could, but apparently it wasn't enough. I wept when I realised the truth. Palpatine took my apprentice's love for me, cruelly twisted it and used it as a path to the Dark Side while I effectively assisted by continually wounding my apprentice with my obliviousness.
Of all the people Anakin destroyed, I am the only one who deserved it. The Council might have been intransigent and blind to the tragedy that played before them but it was I who was the instrument of Anakin's fall.
I don't know if this is a mistake, but if denying one Skywalker my bed has caused such darkness then maybe sharing it with another might be the path back to the light.
Luke is beginning to look uncomfortable at my silence. I make my decision and, before it's too late, I stand, take him by the shoulders and softly kiss him. Through the embryonic bond between us I send all that he means to me, to the future. Gently, I let him have all the love that his father never got.
"Come," I say to him after a while. "Perhaps we can give each other a little comfort in this dark time. But you'll have to remember," I add, smiling, "that I'm not a young man anymore."
"Ah, but you have Jedi stamina," he replies cheekily.
I laugh and decide to show this whippersnapper what Jedi stamina really used to mean.
Later in the darkness I stroke blond hair. Luke is on the edge of sleep. Once again, youth has been defeated by experience.
"Ben," he whispers. "Promise me that I won't lose you as well."
"Believe me, Luke, regardless of how it looks to the contrary, I will always be with you," I reply quietly into his ear.
I kiss him but he is already asleep. I relax into the Force and let a little of the future into my mind.
"You have an incredible destiny ahead of you," I continue, safe in the knowledge that he cannot hear me. "For you are destined to re-build the Jedi. But do not repeat our mistakes; build it differently to the past. Build it better."
Anakin and Palpatine wiped us out because we were ripe for destruction. Both the Republic and the Jedi were overconfident, complacent and stagnant. I lived through those days and suffered pain beyond belief but I have to believe that, like a phoenix from the ashes, something better must come from it all. That is all that kept me alive for in the desert for twenty years.
So while Luke sleeps, I pour into his mind as much strength as I can. It's all I have to give him and I trust that it is enough. I leave little for myself but I have no need of more; my time is near and I am tired of being a pawn of fate.
Satisfied that I have done all that I can, I relax fully in the moment. And this moment is worth savouring. I have a beautiful man, that I care deeply about, lying sated in my arms, as well as the prospect of waking him before morning to tire him out again. True perfection eluded me but this moment is close.
For tonight there is peace. I feel no darkness and I look forward to tomorrow for the first time in years.