Archive: M_A, SWA-L, VOoS
Archive Date: September 22, 2000
Category: Humour/parody, non-Q/O
Disclaimer: If Georgie-boy saw this...
Feedback: Yes! Tell me how sick and twisted I am! Confirm my
suspicions that I'm suffering from *some* kind of mental instability!
Do it now!
Notes: It's not my fault! Really! Blame Catnip -- she posted the
challenge. And blame Layna for the shaved one and the variety-line.
*eg* (You rock, ladies!) I am entirely innocent in this. *waves hand*
These are not the droids you're looking for.
Great big fat thank yous to Em for being my unwitting guinea pig.
Yeah, I'm sorry for the trauma. You rock too. *g*
Further note: This is an Official VOoS Product (TM). And that's the
bare naked truth.
Pairing: Um, none? Implied -- well, more like "assumed", actually --
Q/O, though. Or at least that's my story.
Rating: R
Spoilers: Except for your appetite, none.
Summary: Yoda. Ewok pleasure boys. The most awkward dinner of
Obi-Wan's life.
Warnings: Potentially mindscrub-inducing mental images. Beware.
It was also pointed out to me that I should add a spew-warning.
Obi-Wan supressed the urge to fidget as he waited outside the ornate door. This was the first time he had visited master Yoda's off-temple residence, and he had been shocked to find it was practically palatial. He was aware that the ancient master was a bit...eccentric, but such luxury still didn't seem befitting of a Jedi.
Presently, the heavy door swung open to reveal the tiny figure. "Obi-Wan!" Yoda chortled, gesturing vigorously with his ever-present gimer stick. "Enter, you must! At home you will make yourself!"
Obi-Wan smiled down at the small master. "Thank you, Master Yoda. It's a pleasure to be here."
Yoda made a show of looking around when he stepped aside, allowing the young Padawan to enter.
"Where Qui-Gon is, hmm? Both of you I invited."
Obi-Wan hesitated for a second before answering, puzzling at the hint of amusement he thought he'd heard in Yoda's voice; but in the end, he decided it had just been his imagination.
"Master Qui-Gon is down with food poisoning. It's the strangest thing -- I could have sworn he knew the Rell fish had gone bad. I can't see why he would have had it for lunch."
This pronouncement set the old master cackling madly, and Obi-Wan had to fight hard to keep his eyebrows from rendez-vousing with his hairline. "Master?" he inquired bemusedly.
"Perhaps know why, I do." Yoda answered cryptically, before resuming his cackling and leading the young man down the hall.
Passing a half-open door, Obi-Wan thought he glimpsed something furry moving within. He tried to remember if Yoda had mentioned having pets, but could not recall such a subject ever coming up. Still, it would at least partially explain why the old master had an off-temple residence to begin with; the temple quarters were far too small for any larger animals, and the creature he had glimpsed had been at least waist-high.
"Hungry you are, I hope?" Yoda asked, having finally ceased his amused cackling. "Much food there is, since Qui-Gon came not."
"I am," Obi-Wan admitted. "This afternoon's exercises helped me work up quite an appetite. We're doing the Crystalline Phoenix kata," he added, a hint of pride slipping into his voice.
Yoda huffed approvingly. "Good progress you are making, young Padawan. A fine Jedi you will be."
Coloring lightly with pleasure, Obi-Wan offered an abashed "Thank you, Master."
Finally, they arrived at the dining hall. It was as sumptuous as the rest of the house, with a long, low table, surrounded by pillow seats and one Yoda-sized chair. Clusters of pillows decorated the periphery of the room, and draped sensuously across one of them...
...was an Ewok.
In a collar.
And a gold lamé loincloth.
In fact, half a dozen Ewoks, all in similar attire, all languishing seductively, occupied the spacious room. And one of them was shaved.
Quickly blotting the last sight from his mind, Obi-Wan thought I didn't know Ewoks could languish, followed instantly by a distressed I am never going to be able to look at Master Yoda the same way again. Force, I'll be lucky if I can ever look him in the eye again!
The Ewoks, noticing their entry, chattered happily and swarmed up to the tiny master. Yoda chortled at their fawning attention as they jostled for position and helped himself to a handful of lusty Ewok. "Now, boys" he admonished, "enough of me there is for everyone!"
The bare Ewok pushed through the small throng and plastered himself to the small green master, who didn't hesitate to start fondling the gold-sequin thong-framed buttocks with apparent relish.
"Ah, Yubi," master Yoda said, "entertain Obi-Wan tonight you will." With a final pat on the rump, he sent the Ewok in the mortified Padawan's direction.
"Oh, that's not necessary, Master Yoda..." With a great amount of trepidation, Obi-Wan watched Yubi approach with a sultry smile on his button-nosed little face. Sultry. An Ewok. That just seems so wrong somehow...
"But necessary it is!" Yoda broke in, thumping the floor emphatically with his gimer stick, causing the Ewoks that surrounded him to screech and scatter. "What manner of host would I be, if share I did not, hmm?"
Obi-Wan squirmed uncomfortably as Yubi rubbed up against his leg like a cat. I think I'm starting to see why Qui-Gon was so reluctant to do this. He was outright lucky to have caught -- hey, wait a minute! Why, that sneaky bastard.. Carefully detatching the Ewok from his leg, he pushed back the surge of anger he felt towards his master at his duplicity. He could have at least warned me! You'll pay for this, Qui-Gon Jinn...
"I'm sure you mean well, Master Yoda, but --" he tried again, but was once more interrupted.
"Discuss this no more, we will. Discuss more pleasant things we shall instead. Seated you will be, yes?" The small master took his own seat, and the Ewoks once more swarmed back to surround him. Obi-Wan settled himself on a pillow opposite the ancient master, keeping a vary eye on Yubi. When they were both seated, Yoda sounded the small gong that sat on the table.
"One of my favourites Yubi is," the master continued, absently fondling one of the Ewoks at his side. "Not many of them there are who agree to shave will. Find the smooth skin very pleasant, I do. Agree would you not?"
"Well..." Obi-Wan began dubiously, to no avail trying to fend off some very determined gropes. Apparently, Ewoks were a randy little bunch.
"Feh. When 800 years old you are, a little variety will you like too. Ah, here dinner comes!"
Obi-Wan looked up to see a small entourage of Ewoks (two more of them shaved), bearing covered dishes, entering through a side door. Leading the entourage, and obviously the chef, was a Wookie that sported the characteristic long shaggy fur only on his head and around his groin; on the rest of his body, the fur was brush-cut.
Well, at least he isn't shaved... Flinching inwardly at the mental image that presented, he swatted at the small hand that was sneaking toward his groin, and sighed. This is going to be a very long night.
The evening finally drew to a close, and Obi-Wan gratefully disentangled himself from the multiple Ewoks he'd unwittingly acquired over its course. He'd been through enough in one night to make him spend the rest of his life cringing at the very mention of an Ewok. At one point, two of them had even started going at it right beside Master Yoda; deciding that was one thing no one should ever have to see, Obi-Wan had resolutely ignored the grunting and groaning pair and tried to pretend that he wasn't turning beet red. Eventually their moans had gotten loud enough to break Yoda's train of thought, and the master had thankfully put an end to their activities with a well-placed thwack of his gimer stick.
Having said his goodbyes to the small master -- and resolving to get food poisoning himself the next time -- Obi-Wan headed back towards the Temple, his mind busy plotting revenge. Qui-Gon was not going to get away with this.
A sudden idea struck him, and a slow smile spread on Obi-Wan's face. Yes, it would be perfect -- truly worthy payback for leaving him on his own in spending an evening being harassed by shaved Ewoks. And he had to admit to being intrigued as to whether Master Yoda was right about the smooth skin...
A wicked smile playing on his lips, Obi-Wan turned and headed for the shopping center. Just enough time before he needed to be back to pick up some depilatory cream...