Category: Humor. Drama. Something.
Disclaimer: George Lucas owns Star Wars. Richard Adams owns Watership
Down.
Notes: Yet another of my odder contributions to the world of
Star Wars slash. For those unfamiliar with Watership Down, this site
might be helpful:
http://www.inil.com/users/edamoth/notes.html
Inspired by conversation on M&A. When will the madness stop?
You should probably follow the Code while reading this, because it's so
improbable you might choke yourself trying to suspend disbelief. Also,
Bob claims he had NOTHING to do with this, but I don't believe him,
mainly because he's trying to get Obi-Wan into bed.
Furthermore, I'm assuming that "Master" translates to "Rah" in
Lapine.
Pairing: Q/O
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Crossover with Watership Down. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan take
a little trip.
Obi-Wan's ear itched. He raised his back leg to scratch it, and froze. He hadn't had back legs when he went to sleep. He turned his head and looked at the offending limb, and discovered that it was long and furry and definitely not the leg he'd gone to sleep with.
He cursed softly to himself and investigated the rest of his body. Furry all over. Long ears. Fluffy tail. Tiny little penis. "I'm a rabbit."
"Apparently."
"Master! You're a rabbit, too!"
"I know. Well. This is peculiar."
Obi-Wan gave in to his desires and scratched his ear vigorously. "When I was little, I sometimes pretended to be a mythical creature. But it was always a wolf or a tiger, never a rabbit."
"It is sort of strange, isn't it?"
Obi-Wan reached out with the Force and tweaked a tree branch. "At least I'm a Jedi rabbit. Though I'm not sure I could use a lightsaber like this."
Qui-Gon sat up on his haunches. "This is probably some odd joke of Yoda's."
"Master Yoda plays jokes?"
"Padawan, Master Yoda plays terrible jokes." He looked around, and sighed. "Come on, I'm hungry."
As the two of them searched for something tasty--or at least palatable, Obi-Wan kept up a running stream of chatter. "Think of it this way, Master. Now you know what it's like to be one of those pathetic life-forms you're so fond of. And the stories we shall have to--Master, there are three rabbits off to the left."
"So there are. Ignore them, Padawan."
"They're not ignoring us. Sith, one of them's big! Even bigger than you, Master."
"So he is. Come on, there has to be something we can eat around here."
The two of them continued to search for something tasty to eat. The three strange rabbits watched them for a while, and then approached.
"You hlessil, what are you doing here?" asked the largest, in a belligerent tone. He was covered in scars, and had a funny mop of fur on the top of his head.
"We are looking for something to eat," Qui-Gon responded, sitting up. Obi-Wan glanced over at the newcomers, but continued to nibble at the clover he'd found. If he stopped, Qui-Gon might eat it instead. Not that he'd mind if Qui-Gon occasionally ate certain things that technically belonged to his apprentice, but so far Qui-Gon had only shown interest in his Padawan's food, not his body parts.
"What are your names?" said the big rabbit.
"I am Qui-Gon Jinn. This is my Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi."
"Padawan? What word is this?" The three rabbits advanced, sniffing curiously. "You have very strange names." The large rabbit shared a glance with his two companions. "Can you fight?"
"If we must. We prefer not to."
Obi-Wan finished his clover and hopped over to his Master.
"You're telling me that little one can fight?"
"He can indeed."
"I don't believe it. But if you're looking for a home, we could use some more fighters in our Owsla. I'm Bigwig. This is Holly and Blackavar."
"We are not looking for a home, thank you."
"Hff!" The big rabbit turned and left, and one of his companions, Holly, followed. The other, a black buck with a lean, scarred body and ripped ears, stayed behind. "Blackavar! Come on," Bigwig called back, over his shoulder.
"I'll be along, Bigwig. Let me satisfy my curiousity here." Bigwig and Holly sat down to wait.
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon studied Blackavar, and he studied them. After a few moments, Obi-Wan murmured "Master--" and subsided as Blackavar sank to the ground.
"My Lord El-ahrairah, I did not recognize you!"
"I don't under--"
"And your companion must be the famous Rabscuttle! Please forgive--"
"There is nothing to forgive. I am not your El-ahrairah."
Obi-Wan could see that Blackavar did not believe--and that Bigwig and Holly were approaching, their bodies tense. "Master!"
Qui-Gon calmly waved a paw at Blackavar. "I am not El-ahrairah."
"My Lord--"
Bigwig and Holly stopped and stared, and then they, too, sank to the ground. "Lord El-ahrairah, we would be honored if you would visit our warren," said Bigwig.
Qui-Gon looked at Obi-Wan, then mind-whammied the three rabbits. "I am not El-ahrairah!"
They immediately replied "Oh, my Lord El-ahrairah--" Obi-Wan nudged his Master slightly, and Qui-Gon sighed.
"I accept your invitation. I would like to see your warren, for I am sure it is fine and strong."
Obi-Wan, behind him, muttered "And I would like to kick Yoda's little green ass--" He was silenced by a kick to his chest, and had to run to catch up to the others when he got his breath back.
The five rabbits reached the warren, and were greeted by a large buck rabbit with a limp.
"Who have you brought us, Bigwig?"
"Hazel-rah, this is--"
"El-ahrairah and Rabscuttle," interrupted a small, nervous-looking rabbit.
"Fiver," said Bigwig, "how did you--"
"That's a silly question," replied Fiver, mildly. "A better question is how you ever recognized him, you who live only with the Black Rabbit."
Bigwig looked as though he would strike the smaller animal down, but instead he bowed to Qui-Gon and offered the services of the Watership Owsla, should El-ahrairah so desire. Then he, Blackavar, and Holly hopped away, slowly, glancing nervously over their shoulders at Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. Briefly, Obi-Wan wished he had a thumb so he could thumb his nose at them, but he contented himself with studying his Master's fluffy tail.
Hazel studied the newcomers. "If you are El-ahrairah, you are welcome, my Lord."
"I am not."
Hazel glanced down at Fiver, startled, then back up at Qui-Gon. "Why did Bigwig and the others think you were?"
"I do not know."
"No, but I do," said Fiver. "They're here to help us, Hazel, sent by El-ahrairah. The others sensed the blessing of Lord Frith upon them, and so--" His slender shoulders relaxed. "They're here to help, Hazel."
"If you have a problem, my Padawan and I will help to the best of our ability," replied Qui-Gon.
Obi-Wan thought that Qui-Gon was always helping others and never helping himself. He was especially neglectful about helping himself to his Padawan's body, in fact.
"Fiver," said Hazel, "why did you say they were Rabscuttle and El-ahrairah?"
"It will be easier on the rest of the warren if everyone except you and I think they are El-ahrairah and Rabscuttle. If two hlessil come in and solve a problem and then disappear, where does that leave you, Hazel-rah?"
"Good point. Come on, then." Hazel turned and hopped down into the roots of the tree that sheltered the Watership warren. Fiver, Qui-Gon, and Obi-Wan followed.
There, in the massive central Honeycomb of Watership, was the problem.
It was a very, very cranky rabbit.
Tangled in little minature Jedi robes. With a little minature lightsaber.
And looking an awful lot like a tiny, furry Mace Windu.
Which, of course, is exactly what he was.
"Qui-Gon! Get me the hell out of here!"
"Use the Force, Mace."
"To hell with the embleer Force! Yoda spiked my wine at dinner. I can't control a damn thing! How do you think I got in this position?"
Obi-Wan studied the position intently, but refused to comment. Mace Windu was a Jedi Master, after all. Qui-Gon apparently felt no such restraint, and managed to voice his apprentice's thoughts exactly. "It looks to me like you tried to screw a Dug, Mace."
"Leave my private life out of this and help me, or I'll get Dark Side on your ass."
"Promise?"
"Qui-Gon..."
It didn't take them long to free Mace, though the random flashes of uncontrolled power coming from the Jedi Master distracted Obi-Wan from thinking about Qui-Gon's fluffy tail. Then, with quick goodbyes to Hazel and Fiver, the three of them made their escape before Mace did any serious structural damage to the warren.
Although the crowds of rabbits crying "El-ahrairah! El-ahrairah!" did make finding a secluded hiding place rather difficult.
"I am going to kill Yoda when we get home," said Qui-Gon, after they managed to wedge themselves into a drainpipe.
"Not if I kill him first," replied Mace.
"You can't control the Force until whatever he gave you wears off. You won't have a chance."
"Hell." Windu shook himself all over, and fluffed his fur. "I think that bastard's Sith-spawned."
"So you think, hmm, Master Windu?" Yoda's face peered into the drainpipe at the three rabbits. "Wrong you are. Merely bored sometimes, I am. And try to screw Dugs, you should not."
"Look," said Obi-Wan. "Enough silliness. Yoda, I'm getting a terrible urge to raid a garden so do you mind turning us back?"
Yoda snickered and disappeared, and Obi-Wan woke up, in the room he shared with his Master. He looked over at Qui-Gon's sleep-couch, and saw...nothing.
No, wait...there was something there.
A large agouti rabbit, sound asleep on the pillow, one paw on Qui-Gon's lightsaber.
Obi-Wan covered his face with his hands, then dressed and got ready to go Yoda-hunting. So much for sleep, he thought. But he did pause on his way out of the room to admire the nice smooth curve of Qui-Gon's rabbitty hindquarters. Then he hefted his lightsaber and went to take care of business.