Archive: MA, StarWarsFic, anyone who emails me can have it
Archive Date: February 12, 2000
Category: Parody/Humor
Disclaimer: The boys with lightsabers belong to George Lucas. The boys
with tap shoes belong to themselves, and to MGM. I'm borrowing
them because I couldn't resist. Sue me? There's nothing to gain except
my Star Wars stuff and my collection of musicals.
Feedback: I know this is stupid, but is it funny? I'd like to know.
Rating: G
Spoilers: If you don't know the ending of Singin' in the Rain and don't
want to, don't read this.
Summary: How they didn't make TPM
Warnings: This might not make much sense if you haven't seen said
aforementioned movie. And if you haven't, then by all means, rent it
tonight.
From the Desk of George Lucas
Re: The Phantom Menace
To: all concerned staff
It has come to my attention that we ought to have some sort of resemblance between the characters in the original Star Wars trilogy and those in the new movie. Being the amazingly smart and innovative guy that I am, it occured to me that we could easily use the real actors' parents in our film. After all, if we can put Yoda there without the fist of Oz, we can do this readily. Having perused movies starring the parents of the Skywalkers, I decided that we should simply release a new edition of Singin' in the Rain.
Casting should be as follows:
Debbie Reynolds: Queen Amidala
Gene Kelly: Obi-Wan Kenobi
Donald O'Connor: Qui-Gon Jinn
Cyd Charisse: Yoda
"Zelda": Mace Windu
"Lena Lamont" (Jean Hagen): Darth Maul
The studio head: Palpatine/Sidious
However, this will present a few problems. I have decided on the possible solutions:
1) Amidala should not have a relationship with Kenobi.
--> We can easily transfer the 'love' scenes so that the dialogue and
songs refer to Jinn instead of the woman to whom Kelly is singing. Also,
this allows Darth Lena to be attracted to Kenobi, and then rebuffed.
2) Silent movies do not correspond with the GFFA.
--> "A new technological breakthrough has made it possible for viewers
to watch holos with nude actors at the flip of a switch." What a tragedy
it would be if viewers galaxywide saw Darth Lena's tattoos onscreen.
Instead, the nude body of Amidala is inserted.
3) The ending is completely different.
--> Darth Lena is fired from the studio, allowing Amidala to take
his/her roles in the films and removing any barrier to Kenobi and Jinn's
relationship.
Other Necessary Changes:
-flashback (Dignity, Always Dignity) should be changed to show scenes of
Jedi training and budding romance between Master and Padawan
-backup singers/dancers in any of Amidala's songs should be changed to
handmaidens
-backup singers/dancers in Kenobi's songs should be changed to Jedi (and
if I see Luke, you're out on your ear)
-lightsabers should be added in the following scenes and numbers: Moses
Supposes, Make 'Em Laugh, Singin' in the Rain (replaces umbrella), the
early scene where Kenobi is under attack by fans (who should be battle
droids), the scene where Darth Lena's tattoos are displayed to the
public.
-all shots of Kenobi should include his Padawan braid. Please be certain
to keep it on the same side at all times.
It has come to my attention that there is no suitable person to become Anakin Skywalker. He will digitally inserted as the geeky version of Kenobi in the beginning and end of "Broadway Melody", and then wander in and out to wave at the audience from time to time. The last song between Amidala and Kenobi should be changed so that Kenobi is approaching her for Anakin's benefit. However, the final kiss should be between Kenobi and Jinn.
Also noted is the absence of Jar Jar Binks. To the person who pointed this out: bollocks. If you want him there, bring your action figure.
May the Force be with you,
George Lucas, God among men