Archive: SWAL if applicable; anywhere else, please ask
Archive Date: April 24, 2000
Author's Website: http://www.angelfire.com/scifi/theglobe
Category: POV, angst
Disclaimer: Lucas owns it all, and I'm not getting anything but creative satisfaction in return for this
Feedback: Please! I'm not an experienced slash writer, so suggestions are welcome :-)
Notes: This idea is unfolding in my head as more like a slow developing series rather than a quick story, so it may take a while to get started with the slashy stuff. I kinda like to let anticipation build anyway. ;-) My goal is to work on it and post a bit daily, kind of like a slash soap. I hope that's okay. ::g::
I've decided there's a line from the Santana song "Smooth" that should be an introductory quote for this series: "Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it."
Pairing: O/Maul
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Obi-Wan meets up with a face from his past

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

It's been six months, and the pain is still with me every waking moment just as sharp as it was the day it happened.

I got called before the Council today, not officially or anything. They just wanted to tell me they'd noticed the difference in my behavior lately, that I seemed "unlike myself."

Thank you for that brilliant observation, O revered Jedi Masters.

I don't FEEL like myself. How can I? Part of me is gone, torn away in the crimson flash of a 'saber blade. Only my wound wasn't cauterized, it's still bleeding, and I don't know what to do to get it to stop.

I'm trying to focus on training Ani like he wanted me to, and I guess I'm probably running the boy too hard just so I'll have an excuse to keep myself busy. While I've got something to occupy my mind and exhaust my body, I can forget for a while, you know? I can drive myself to exhaustion, but that's not an answer. And it's not like it stops me from thinking and feeling when I'm alone. In the privacy of my own head, the loneliness is still there. The memories still rise up, playing over and over again and I keep thinking, "If only I'd been faster, if only I hadn't let myself get knocked off the catwalk, if only he had waited for me so we could face that thing together."

That's a lot of ifs, and they do no damn good.

So I'm still not myself. They're calling me withdrawn and I know Ani is half-scared of me, this child who's not afraid to hop in the cockpit of a strange ship and blow up space stations. He's afraid to question me about anything, he just does what I tell him to do even if I can feel the fatigue or resentment or despair rolling off him like a wave.

So much for a close Master-Padawan bond. I won't even drop my shields for him half the time.

Withdrawn? Yes, I think that's a pretty fair assessment. But I don't even care anymore. He's gone, and my life is empty.

I don't ever want to care so much for another person again.

Maul's Personal Log:

Success.

I have found the Jedi.

He was where I thought he would be: the Temple on Coruscant.

It is the last place I should be. If my Master learns of my presence here, I will die. It is a risk I am prepared to take. The prize is worth any price if I can obtain it.

I have shielded myself carefully. My Master will not be able to sense me unless he searches for me deliberately. I have remained in hiding all these months and planted rumors of my own death in hopes that he has abandoned the search by now.

His plan failed in more ways than one.

We revealed ourselves to the Jedi. The master was killed.

Now I will reveal myself to the apprentice. I do not know how it will end this time.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

Master Windu called me into his office for a little "friendly chat" today.

Hah!

The voice-piece of the Council speaks!

He's "concerned" about me, and he wants me to visit the Healers. In fact, he's already set up an appointment for me. How convenient.

Translation: They're afraid I'm going to terminally screw up the kid.

They don't understand. The Healers aren't going to do me a damned bit of good. There's nothing wrong with my body or my mind. It's my heart that's been shattered.

No amount of Bacta or Force-healing can fix that.

Maul's Personal Log:

The Jedi has not left the Temple in the two months since my arrival on Coruscant.

He remains safely hidden behind those ancient walls. I remain outside, unable to breach them without betraying myself to the Council and to my former Master.

This is problematic.

He must come out eventually, however. When he does, I will be waiting.

I have learned the value of patience.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I was called before the Council again today. I'm beginning to feel like him, always being summoned and made to account for myself.

"Eight months is too long to indulge in excessive grief," they said. Like I can turn my emotions on and off for their convenience? I think not.

So...I've been relieved of duty.

Master Windu and Master Yoda will take over Anakin's training for a while, I'm to leave the Temple for an entire month--they don't care where I go, they're just kicking me out--and while I'm gone, they're going to move my quarters.

They're going to pack up all his things and get rid of them for me because obviously the task is too great for me to handle myself. Did they ask if I want to leave our quarters? No. They simply decided it was the best thing for me, that being surrounded by ghosts and memories is hindering my grieving process.

All right, no. I haven't moved any of his things. His bedroom is exactly the way he left it the morning we left for Naboo. It's not because I expect him to walk through the door any minute. I know better than that. It's just...

It's comforting. I can go in there and touch his belongings, breathe in the scent of him that still lingers in the folds of his clothes, and for a while, he's with me again. I feel whole again.

It doesn't last, of course, but still...I need that little bit of contact with him. He was taken from me so suddenly, I never had a chance to adjust. Just RIIIIP! and he was gone from my life, from my mind, from my soul...and now they want to take everything else from me as well.

I won't let them.

When I pack to leave on my enforced R&R time, I'll take a few of his things with me to keep them safe. I can't let them dispose of everything; there's little enough left behind other than memories. He was so unattached to material things, he didn't have much to begin with. I can't just let them erase his life.

They're giving me an order, and I will obey.

I'll go. But I'm taking him with me.

Maul's Personal Log:

The Jedi has changed.

Finally he has left the Temple. I do not know why. His apprentice is not with him, and he does not appear to be on a mission. He does not appear to be leaving the planet at this time.

I have followed him closely, determined not to lose him if he goes off-planet. However, he has done nothing for the past two days but wander around Coruscant. If I did not know how focused and purposeful the Jedi are, I would say he seems adrift.

When last I saw him on Naboo, he was filled with energy and emotion. It radiated from him in an almost visible glow.

That light is dimmed.

I almost did not recognize the shell of a man who left the Temple. Did the loss of his Master extinguish his inner light as well? Perhaps their bond was greater than I imagined.

This is problematic.

It is not an insurmountable problem, however.

I am patient. I will continue to wait.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

Gods...

Gods, no...

How could this be happening?

It died! I killed it! I saw it fall into the shaft!

How could that monster be here on Coruscant? But I saw it--that face that's haunted my nightmares for nearly a year--that horrible, evil thing is here, and it's stalking me. It wants to finish the job it started on Naboo, but I'll kill it. If it comes anywhere near me again, I won't hesitate this time, I'll kill it where it stands, no matter that Jedi are only supposed to defend, not attack. It's trying to kill me again, and that's reason enough.

I don't care what the Council ordered--I have to go back to the Temple, I have to tell them that the Sith creature has returned.

Gods...Why didn't I strike it down again when I had the chance?

Maul's Personal Log:

Our first meeting did not go well.

I confronted the Jedi while he was walking in a topiary park in the Garden District. We were alone. He turned around, alerted by the Force of my presence. His face drained of all color. He drew his lightsaber and ignited it.

I unclipped my own lightsaber and tossed it at his feet. I spread my hands away from my body to show him I was unarmed and did not intend an attack.

He did not lower his weapon. I did not move. I looked at him.

Up close, I was better able to see the changes. He is thinner. Gaunt. His eyes are haunted. I can imagine by what. I saw the loathing in his face when he looked at me. I could feel his hatred roiling against me. Once I would have savored it. Reveled it in. No longer.

"You're dead!" he snarled.

"No."

I remained still. I did not want to provoke him into acting in haste. That would have proven unpleasant for both of us.

"How is this possible?" he demanded. "I killed you! I saw you die!"

His anger was directed at me, but I was pleased to see it. The spark of life I saw within him on Naboo is not extinguished. Merely dimmed. There is hope of rekindling it once more.

"I will explain," I told him, but he waved me silent.

"I don't care! I don't want to hear it! I just want you dead, you monster!"

One mis-step on my part, one uncertain word. That is all it would have taken. He would have cut me down where I stood. Further discussion was pointless. I turned and began to walk away.

"What about this?" he called out.

When I looked back, he kicked my lightsaber viciously. He probably wished it was me.

"I have no further use for it."

I left him.

He will return to the Temple and inform the Council of my presence. Once they know, my former Master will know. I must reach them first.

Going to the Jedi Temple, approaching the Council... this is not what I planned, nor is it what I wish to do. I no longer have a choice, however.

I can only hope they will be more willing to listen to me than he was.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

"Your focus determines your reality," my ass.

If that was true, none of this would be happening.

It's a nightmare. It's got to be. This is a nightmare, and I just have to wake up.

Pauses. Rakes his fingers through his hair, sighs audibly and looks away.

Gods...

I can't believe they did this to me. This is just...

Breaks off and covers his face with both hands.

It's too much to ask. They have to know that. I don't care what it said! I don't believe it! I don't want that thing anywhere near me! I want to kill it! I want to look it right in the eyes and run it through just like it did...I want it dead. I want it to stay dead this time. I want it to die slowly and painfully by my hands. I want it to know just how much I hate it as it dies.

I can't...I can't possibly...

Shakes his head, beginning to tremble visibly

It's too much. It's just too damn much to ask...

Maul's Personal Log:

Our second meeting did not go well either.

As soon as I entered the Jedi Temple, I was detained and taken before the Council. This is what I wanted.

I was searched for weapons and mentally probed before I was allowed to enter the Council Chambers. They found nothing. I did not plan to attack anyone.

When I entered the Chamber, I looked around, assessing each member. I did not know their names or their ranks. However, I could sense which Jedi among them was the strongest and most venerable.

I knelt in the center of the circular room, facing the small, wizened Jedi who I learned during my audience was Master Yoda, a name I had heard mentioned with contempt many times before by my former Master.

"What do you want here?" A dark-skinned man sitting next to Master Yoda demanded. He appeared calm, yet I could sense anger and distrust beneath his surface tranquility.

I was the focal point of negative emotion for all of them. They knew me. They knew what they thought I had done: killed their best warrior.

I was not welcome.

"Sanctuary," I replied, meeting the man's eyes and seeing the accusation deep within them.

"You're a Sith!" Another Jedi--a female--exclaimed. "You killed Qui-Gon Jinn. Why should we give you sanctuary now?"

"I was Sith." I turned my gaze to Master Yoda, speaking to the room but focusing on him. "No longer. Nor am I the murderer of Qui-Gon Jinn."

There were cries of "What?" and "Impossible!" throughout the circle. I ignored them and continued to look at Master Yoda, who gazed back at me steadily, his green eyes giving away nothing.

"You're lying," the dark-skinned man declared. "We have a witness. Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi saw you kill his Master."

Obi-Wan Kenobi...At last a name. Obi-Wan...

He stops speaking for a minute or two, staring off to one side as if deep in thought. Abruptly he collects himself and begins speaking again as calmly as if no interruption had occurred.

I repeated the fact: I did not kill the Jedi.

They demanded an explanation. I was willing to give it, but Master Yoda silenced them.

"Summon Jedi Kenobi."

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

It sickened me to see that creature kneeling in front of Master Yoda and the rest of the Council. Like it was some kind of penitent waiting for absolution.

And they believed it! They believed its lies!

Breaks off, draws in several deep breaths and continues.

I was on my way to seek an audience with the Council myself when one of the attendants found me and said I'd been summoned. I couldn't imagine why, until I saw that thing in the room, and then I knew. I wondered if it had been captured or if it had come of its own accord. I couldn't imagine it would do that, however, so I was sure someone else had seen it and brought it here.

Then they said it had come alone and unarmed (only because I have its weapon, but I didn't tell them that) and

curls his fists, his breath rapid and shallow, the next words ground out through clenched teeth

it claimed it didn't kill him.

I saw what happened! I know it killed him, there's no way it can deny that! I don't care what kind of stupid lie it came up with to "explain" what happened. I know! I don't believe it. I'll never believe it! Never!

Maul's Personal Log:

I am beginning to realize what kind of challenge I face.

Obi-Wan's resistance to the truth is astounding. I understand his loyalty to his Master and his desire for revenge. What I do not understand is this deep denial. What I sense from him goes beyond loyalty to something much deeper.

Love?

Puzzled look and tone

Were they lovers?

A slight nod

That would explain much.

It does not, however, help my situation in the least.

Breaks off, laces his fingers together tightly and resumes speaking in a calmer, more even tone

I did not mind that they summoned Obi-Wan before they allowed me to tell my tale. I wanted him to hear the truth from me.

When he arrived, he appeared shocked and then appalled to see me. It astonishes me to see how open his young face is. Despite his training, his emotions are right there, bubbling at the surface. No calm, stoic manner for him. I remember watching as he waited behind the laser barrier to join the duel. Unlike his Master, who knelt to ground and center himself before entering the battle, Obi-Wan danced impatiently, eager for his chance to join in.

The anguish in his voice, on his face a few moments later...I do not think I shall ever forget it.

Falls silent again

Finally I was given permission to speak. I explained what they did not know.

My former Master considered me too valuable to risk in combat with two of the best warriors from the Jedi Temple. He wanted to strike at the Jedi, yes, but he did not wish to lose one of his most formidable and valuable weapons in doing so.

Thus when the final confrontation occured on Naboo, I was relegated to the role of observer. The actual participant was a clone.

My Master had created the clone in preparation for this battle which he knew would come. It possessed my strength, speed and skills, but it had been created with the capacity only to hate and the desire to kill. It was utterly without mercy, compassion or love.

I cannot claim that I was entirely possessed of those qualities. My Master's training sought to eradicate them in me entirely. But the human heart is a resiliant thing. It cannot be forever denied.

Another pause

I was ordered to allow the clone to attack the Jedi. I was to step in only if the clone were defeated. It killed the Master, but its hatred and arrogance were its undoing. It paused to gloat over a fallen enemy who seemed to be in a deadly situation.

One should never underestimate an opponant who has the Force on his side, whether it be the Light or the Dark.

Obi-Wan summoned his strength and his power, and he killed the clone. At that point, I should have revealed myself and killed him. Obviously, I did not.

My Master demanded a reckoning. He did not want either of the Jedi alive to tell what they knew. Because of me, he said, the Jedi knew of a certainty that the Sith were rising to power again. I had betrayed the Sith, betrayed him. I had ruined his plans. I was unworthy.

He tried to kill me. He almost succeeded.

Between the events of Naboo and my Master's attempted murder, I realized many things. I escaped with my life, barely, and when I had recovered enough, I arranged for rumors of my death to reach my Master. I severed our Master-Apprentice bond. Not only would this corroborate the story of my "death," but I no longer wish to have any tie to him.

I am no longer of the Dark. I am not yet of the Light. I do not know what I am. I only know that I belong here.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I still don't understand why the Council believe him. Master Yoda said they performed deep mind probes on him to show whether he was lying or not, and they said he was telling the truth, but I can't accept that!

"Hard to see, the Dark Side is."

How many times has Master Yoda said this? Yet he's so willing to accept that this creature isn't hiding something? That it's not capable of shielding itself and its true intentions?

As if that wasn't bad enough, then Master Yoda ordered me to be the one to help it find the path to the Light as it said it wanted. Anakin's training will be taken over by Masters Yoda and Windu, and I'm supposed to consider that...that...

look and tone of complete disgust

MONSTER my Padawan learner!

They want me to establish a bond with it!

No.

I will obey the Council. I will teach it as best I can. But I will not bond with it. That would be a betrayal not only of him but of my own soul.

I'm to bring it back before the Council in three months for an evaluation. If it has made enough progress in that time, they'll allow it to stay permanently. If not...Well, they were unclear on that. I hope it fails their tests and they kill it. I wish I could make sure it would fail, but that would be dishonorable, and I can't go against all he taught me like that even though I don't trust that thing not to murder me in my sleep.

My only consolation is that the decision wasn't unanimous. Some of the Council share my doubts. I just hope they don't realize I was right only when it's too late.

Maul's Personal Log:

After we were dismissed by the Council, Obi-Wan was informed that he had been assigned new quarters. He appeared unsurprised but displeased by this.

We were led to his...our...quarters. Once there, we were left alone. He said nothing for a very long time. He would not even turn to look at me when he did speak.

"You'll take the bedroom on the right," he informed me.

"As you wish."

There was another long silence.

I stood near the entrance, waiting. I wanted to sit down. It had been an unexpectedly draining day. The almost palpable hostility radiating from Obi-Wan kept me still, however. I did not know how he would react to anything I did, and I do not entirely trust him not to cut me down at the slightest provocation.

"I'm supposed to train you now." I could not see his face, but I could hear the sneer in his voice. "You'll need this."

Abruptly, he whirled and tossed my lightsaber at me. He must have had it concealed in his robes.

Instinctively I caught it. I then dropped it again.

"This is a Sith weapon," I said.

"Then you should use it," he all but spat at me.

"I am no longer of the Sith. I do not wish to use this weapon."

I was careful to remain calm, but I will not bend on this point. He cannot force me to use that weapon. I will not ever use that weapon again.

He shrugged and started to walk away, leaving the weapon where it lay on the floor. It will stay there until he removes it. I will not touch it.

"You'll have to build another, then."

A reply burned on my tongue. I knew I should not say it, yet there are times when I cannot completely censor what passes from my mind to my mouth.

"Will my Master assist me in constructing it?"

He froze, every line of his body growing stiff with tension. I should not have said it. I knew it before the words passed my lips. However, it appears that shocking him is the only method I can successfully use to get any sort of response from him.

His hands clenched into fists at his sides. I folded my arms and waited calmly.

Again the perverse imp living inside my head took over.

"It is your duty." I paused, then added, "Master."

If he had killed me then and there, I do not supposed I would have been very surprised.

He controlled his anger, however.

A very, very slight smile

My first lesson, he informed me, will be on the Jedi method of lightsaber construction.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

This morning I found the creature's 'saber on the floor right where it dropped the weapon last night.

Pause. Shakes his head

I guess he wasn't kidding about not using it again. That...surprises me.

Another pause. His expression turns stern, almost angry.

I don't care. That proves nothing. Just that it's trying to lull me into a state of false security so I'll drop my guard and it can strike.

I wish I could petition the Council for separate quarters. It's uncomfortable living with that thing. Not only am I concerned for my life, but I hate breathing its air. I don't want it around any more than I have to, which is too much considering I have to give the creature lessons.

Today we started with building it a new lightsaber. I got all the tools and parts needed and dumped them on the table in front of the creature.

"Here." I pointed to the jumble of parts. "Start working."

It looked up at me, and if I didn't know better, I would swear the thing was mocking me...or teasing me.

"You are my Master," it said in that maddeningly calm tone it always has. "You are supposed to show me the proper way."

"All right, fine," I snapped and sat down as far away from it as I could and still be within reach to assist it. "I assume you know what the tools are for. I don't have to explain those, do I?"

I was taunting it. I admit it. I wanted to provoke it. Maybe if I could goad it enough, it would attack, and then I could show the Council I was right all along.

But it didn't fall for my trap. It just picked up and named each tool, describing the function of each one as well.

"Fine." I crossed my arms and leaned back in my chair. "So get started. You might want to take off the gloves first, though. This is delicate work."

For the first time, it appeared uncertain, but then it nodded and pulled off the black gloves it wore. I expected to see the familiar red and black tattoo symbols covering his hands, but they were normal. He's shorter than me, but not by much, and he has very strong-looking hands. Long, slender fingers...

His voice trails off for a moment, then he abruptly snaps back to attention

I'll admit I wondered how far down the tattoos go. Obviously they don't cover his entire body, but...

Another pause, this time there is a faint but distinct flush in his cheeks

Anyway, it started working on a new, single-blade 'saber. Its method of constructing a 'saber wasn't that different from what I was taught, so I only had to help a couple of times.

I've done my duty for today. I think that's definitely enough. I have no idea what to do tomorrow.

Maul's Personal Log:

Today, Obi-Wan assisted me in constructing a new lightsaber. This one will have a single blade.

He asked me what color I intended to make it, and for a while, I did not know how to answer. If I had a choice, I would have said green. It is the color of life, and I am weary of death and darkness.

But Obi-Wan's lightsaber is green. Rather, the lightsaber he uses now is green. I remember his was blue. The weapon he uses now belonged to his Master. I would not insult him by choosing either of those colors. No matter what my intent, he would take offense. I know him well enough to realize that.

In the end, I decided to make it red. It is the color of anger and of blood, it is true. It is also a reminder of my past. But red is also the color of heat, which gives all growing things the warmth needed to live and grow. I choose to see the color in that more positive aspect.

According to Obi-Wan, the Sith method of weapon construction is not all that different from the Jedi method. He only corrected me twice. The first time, he avoided touching me completely. The second time...

Pause. He gazes off to one side for a moment as if reliving the memory

The second time he could not explain the configuration he meant, and so he moved to stand next to my chair as I worked, directing me over my shoulder. Exasperated by my ineptness, he finally leaned over and showed me exactly what to do, then disassembled it and made me do it myself.

I could feel his warmth.

His red-gold hair is long now, reaching his collar, and when he bent, a lock of it fell across his face. I had to pretend to scratch my cheek to resist brushing it back.

Yet still I feel nothing but animosity from him. I am patient. I will wait.

But it grows more difficult with every moment spent in his presence.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I didn't know what else to do with the creature, so I decided to start him off like the children: history lessons. The Masters drilled it into our heads when we were scarcely old enough to talk that we would never know where we were going if we didn't know where we were coming from.

Besides that, I figured all the dusty old stuff would bore the thing, and maybe it'd give up and go away.

grimace

No such luck.

Noooo, the thing liked it. The older the junk, the happier it was. It did everything but press its nose up against the glass cases to get a good look at some of the stuff we've got in the Halls of Monuments.

And questions! It was worse than a two-year-old! Wanting to know how old this was, what was that used for, how did they make this or that. Finally, I just snapped.

"How in the name of the little gods should I know? I never paid attention in history class," I told it.

It looked at me like I'd just said I wanted to drop-kick a baby.

I shrugged. "All I wanted was for it to be over so I could get to my gymnastics or pre-lightsaber training class--anything was more interesting as far as I was concerned."

"But this is your history," it said, gesturing to encompass the whole room we were standing in at the time, one that had a whole lot of early versions of current technology, commlinks, holo-display units, stuff like that.

"So? It's history. It's over. There are more important things going on in the present."

"You cannot understand the present without understanding the past," it said.

I shook my head. "You sound like some of my teachers."

"It is the truth," it insisted. "At the very least, you should honor the archives and artifacts housed here. They are the representatives of thousands of years of progress and learning. They are the foundation upon which your present is built. You are the foundation upon which the future is built. It is a never-ending chain, linking one generation from the next. To forget is to dishonor those who struggled to bring you to this point now."

All right, I admit it. I was surprised. I never expected such eloquence from him, and even though he never raised his voice above its usual quiet tone, his words were so empassioned, I understood what he meant far better than I had ever understood what my teachers had been trying to say.

Maul's Personal Log:

"Oh."

That was the only response I got. Verbally, at least. His expression, however, was worth any number of words. He gaped at me in astonishment as if he could not believe I was capable of higher speech, much less higher thought.

History has always been an interest of mine, perhaps because I have so little of my own.

"Don't you have an archive like this?" he asked.

I just looked at him. I knew what he meant. I did not intend to acknowledge it.

"The Sith," he repeated. "Isn't there something like this for you?"

"I am not a Sith."

I will say this as many times as it takes for him to get it through that thick skull of his.

He sighed, exasperated with me for the hundredth time that day, and rolled his eyes. "All right, fine. Do the Sith--a group with which you have no further discourse--have a place like this?"

"No."

I turned my gaze to a display of early proto-type hologrammatic display units, huge bulky things completely unlike the small, elegant hand-held models we have now.

"The Sith have been in hiding for these many centuries," I continued. "If they had marked their presence anywhere at any time, they would have risked discovery. My former Master possesses a small archive, one which is concise and portable. That is all."

There was a long silence between us as I continued to study the artifacts, and he apparently lost himself in thought. I was too engrossed in what I was seeing to pay attention to him, thus his next line of questioning caught me completely unawares.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

It struck me that the reason it was so interested in the Temple history might be because it was spying for its Master, so I decided to put it to a test to see where its loyalty lay.

"Speaking of your former Master," I began, and it whirled to face me. Even through the tattoos, I could tell it was surprised. "Would you give us information about him?"

I expected it to say no.

Maul's Personal Log:

Obi-Wan asked me if I would give the Jedi information about my former Master.

Of course I would. I would give him anything he asked for. He did not know this and would be appalled by the idea if he did, but it is true nonetheless.

"Yes. You may ask me anything. I will answer truthfully," I told him.

"Would you allow a mind probe?" The viciousness underlying his tone said he did not believe me.

"I have already done so. I would agree to it again if it is necessary to prove my honesty," I replied. "I will answer any question you like. I will provide as much information as you want about my former Master. It will do you no good, but you may have it."

"Why?" he demanded fiercely. "Why wouldn't it help us?"

"Because he is not a stupid man. He considers me a traitor because I did not kill you on Naboo and will assume that I can and will provide information to his enemies. I can tell you where he was when I left him, but he will no longer be there, and any trace of him will be gone."

He nodded, appearing to accept this. I was close enough to see the color of his eyes, to watch them change color as he sorted through different reactions. For one aching moment, I wished those chameleon eyes would look on me with something other than hatred and contempt.

Then he narrowed those eyes in a shrewd, steady gaze leveled at me.

"Why didn't you kill me on Naboo?"

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I thought it was a simple enough question, but I still don't understand the answer.

The creature just looked at me for a long time, those yellow, reptillian eyes of his totally unreadable. Then he shook his head slowly.

"I will tell you anything you want to know, Obi-Wan. All you have to do is ask me. But I would advise you to make certain you are ready to hear the answer first."

And then he just turned and walked off.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

It's been two weeks, and we haven't killed each other yet. I think I'm shocked.

We've kind of gotten into a routine, which is good because I've got no idea what to do with an adult Padawan.

pause, slight frown

Not that it is my Padawan! I'm not going to create a training bond with that thing, I don't care what the Council says!

But he...it's already been through a training period that qualifies it to be equal of a Jedi Knight. It's got the Force skills and development already. What it doesn't know is the background, the philosophy, the conceptual differences between the Sith and Jedi. So that's what we've been focusing on.

Every day for the past two weeks, we've gone to the archives, and I've let it study the records and teach itself the history of the Temple since we've already had the discussion about my expertise in that area. I heard from one of the historians that it's been coming here, asking questions on its own. At first, they were suspicious, but they didn't see how telling it about history could do any harm, so they started talking to it. Now they practically fawn all over it whenever we see them. Personally, I think they just can't believe they found someone who actually cares.

I asked him about that one day. I don't know why. It's not like I'm actually interested in its personal life, but...Anyway, I asked it why it liked history so much.

Maul's Personal Log:

"And don't give me all this 'foundation for the future' stuff either," Obi-Wan added. "That's the idealist answer. I want the real answer."

I watched him silently for a moment. I did not understand why he was asking. He had never exhibited any interest in me, my thoughts or my life before.

I put aside the datapad I had been reading, still thinking and choosing my words carefully.

"I have no personal history," I said at last. Hopefully, that would satisfy him.

But no.

"So what does that mean?" He dropped into the chair across from mine with his usual negligant grace.

"It means..." I hesitated. If I was not careful, he would suspect me of playing for sympathy when all I was doing was telling the simple truth. "When my former Master took me from my parents, he changed my name and my appearance, and he never revealed any information about my life. I know nothing about my parents or my home world. All I know is him and the training I underwent."

Obi-Wan scrunched up his face in that way I have grown to learn means that he does not fully understand or accept something I have said. "What do you mean, he changed your appearance?"

I gave him a steady look. "I was not born looking like this. I appear to be of a race I am not. These horns, these eyes--they are mine by the power of the Dark Side, not genetics."

"And the tattoos?"

It was a bold question. Unexpected.

"I acquired them when I completed my training and became a Sith Lord."

Pause. He falls silent, his expression very close to regret

"Why did he do that to you?"

I shrugged. "I do not know. Perhaps to hide my true identity. Perhaps to see if he could. If he was strong enough to affect another living being in such a way. I did not learn the truth myself until I was an adult. He chose to boast of his 'success' to me."

"Oh."

I get that response from Obi-Wan quite often.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I get the feeling it didn't have an easy life.

pauses, gnaws on his lower lip

It doesn't say much unless I ask direct questions, but some of the answers...Could anyone really have lived like that? It sounds so harsh, so completely opposite of the life I've known. Growing up in the Temple was hard at times, but it was nothing like what he... it... describes.

It doesn't even sound like he had a chance to choose to serve his Master or not. I could have left the Temple at any time, and they would have let me go. Regretfully, yes, but I wouldn't have been punished. From what I can tell, he would have been tracked down and killed if he had tried to leave. And he was abducted from his parents as a baby...

resolute look

Still, he could have left when he was an adult. He had the ability to choose then.

pause, wavering

He did choose to leave...

No.

No, I still think it's got an ulterior motive. It's spying or trying to kill me.

I can't let myself believe anything else.

Maul's Personal Log:

As much as I have enjoyed living the life of a scholar rather than a warrior, I can no longer afford to let my training lapse. I wish to serve the Jedi. If I am to do so, I must retain my skills. Now that I have a new lightsaber, there is no reason why I cannot practice.

I do not think I should ask Obi-Wan to practice with me. It would no doubt bring up too many unpleasant memories, and I have no wish to cause him any pain.

For now, I will practice by myself.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

Master Yoda summoned me to a private meeting today. He informed me that the creature had requested permission to resume weapons practice--alone. It didn't mention wanting to to me. Is it going behind my back already?

frown

I don't think it's a good idea to let the thing practice, but Master Yoda said he'd given permission and assigned it a private room. I was about to protest when he added that it had a monitoring system installed, and the creature would be under careful observation at all times. That made me feel a little better.

And then he said he wanted me to go watch it in action. Right then.

I reluctantly followed Master Yoda to the observation room; the large-screen monitor gave a clear picture of the practice room and of the creature. I sat down and folded my arms, watching as I'd been ordered, but I wasn't interested in the least. I'd already seen enough of this thing's fighting manuevers to last me a lifetime.

I don't know how long the creature had been practicing, but obviously long enough to work up a sweat. It had taken off its outer robe and tunic, going through its moves wearing only its black leggings and boots. At least I got my question about the tattoos answered. They covered his neck and shoulders, then gradually diminished to a V on his chest that appeared to be pointing...down...

pauses, swallows hard, a faint pink stain appearing on his cheeks

It may not be a very tall creature, but it's in good shape. Strong arms. It moves well, too. More gracefully than I thought...

Another pause, he shakes his head as if to clear it

But he's got problems. Obviously he's used that double-bladed 'saber of his so long that using a single blade now is causing him trouble. His balance is a little off, and he's leaving himself open to blows that would be blocked with the double-blade but won't be with the single--and he's just practicing alone! I don't think he's even realized it yet, and he won't until he faces an opponant.

When the creature finally finished and left, Master Yoda turned to me.

"Train him you will."

It wasn't a request.

"Master, I--"

"A threat to you Maul is not," Master Yoda interrupted. "A threat to the Temple he is not. Wish him trained as a Jedi, I do. Practice with him you will. Tomorrow. Teach him you will. Give you a few days to adjust I will. And then a training bond you will form."

"Master, no!" I tried to protest, but he wouldn't hear it. It was like my opinion, my feelings in the matter didn't count at all. "Master, please--I can't!" I was pleading now, begging if I had to.

Master Yoda just looked at me. "Fear is of the Dark Side. Afraid Maul is not. Who should the Council worry about now?"

I stared at him, stunned. How could he possible compare the two of us?

"Meditate on your fear you should. Find the reason, remove the fear."

"I know why I'm afraid," I snarled. "It plans to kill me--to finish what it started on Naboo!"

"No," Master Yoda said calmly before leaving me there alone to puzzle over his cryptic words. "Wish to kill you he does not. Fear death at his hands you do not. Search deeper. You will learn."

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

He leans back in his chair, slumping down in the seat a little, a towel draped around his neck. He pulls up the end of the towel and wipes off his face, then shakes his head.

I'm losing it. I really am.

He slides the towel from around his neck and wipes down his neck and bare chest.

I practiced with the creature today like I was ordered. He's good--very good. I knew that already, but facing him like this...

It's different. On Naboo, I was trying to survive, then I was trying to kill. It was hard to forget all that at first, but...

shrug

I don't know. I guess being here in the Temple, it was a safe environment, and I didn't feel the threat from him...it...like I did then. We were both trying to win, but it was a competition, not a life-or-death struggle.

As he speaks, he begins running his fingers up and down his chest in a slow, langourous motion as if he doesn't quite realize what he's doing

I didn't get angry. I thought I would, but I didn't, I just wanted to win again, and I would have, but even trying to adjust to a new weapon, he's good.

quiet chuckle

And sneaky. I need to remember to think outside the lines because he certainly does.

So the practice went well enough, and I thought I had it beaten when it surprised me, and I ended up disarmed and pinned, and...

puzzled little frown

I imagined it. I'm sure I did. But for a moment, I swear I felt like he was going to kiss me...

Maul's Personal Log:

He sits ramrod straight. His gloves are off, and his fingers are so tightly clenched together that his knuckles are white.

I nearly lost control today.

That cannot happen.

I nearly kissed him. To do so now would ruin everything. He is not ready. He would be repulsed. I cannot risk giving in to my impulses. Not now. Perhaps not ever.

I do not know if I will ever be able to overcome the antipathy he bears me. If I must remain silent forever, then I will do so. I would rather keep the truth hidden from him and in doing so remain near him than reveal all and risk being sent away.

And if I can have moments...Fleeting moments such as today...

Obi-Wan was all but in my arms. By sheer luck, I managed to disarm and pin him against a wall, and there we stood.

I could feel the heat of his body. The scent of his skin rising like a heated musk reached my nose. I breathed it deeply.

He was breathing hard, almost panting. His lips were parted. All I had to do was lean forward, and his mouth would have been mine. I could have tasted him. I could have closed my mouth over his chin and made love to the cleft with my tongue as I have long wanted to do.

I could have. I did not.

I felt myself stirring with arousal. I backed away and let him go before he realized how my body was reacting to his.

It was the most difficult thing I have ever done.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

The creature is gone.

shakes his head, looking incredulous

It just...left. No word, no message. I got up this morning, and it was gone.

I checked its room, but it was hard to tell if it had taken all its belongings because it didn't have anything to begin with. At first I thought that was because it had been on the run from its Master, but even after a whole month of being settled here at the Temple, it still hadn't accumulated any...well, stuff. It had clothes, some datapads, and that's about it.

Everything was still there, and when I told Master Yoda it had gone, probably to report back to its Master all it had learned, he said knew where it was, and it would be back. He didn't say when, though.

With any luck...never.

Maul's Personal Log:

I had thought things were going more smoothly between myself and Obi-Wan.

I was wrong.

We had developed a routine. A tolerable if not comfortable pattern for cohabitating. I had learned what sort of behavior was expected from a Padawan towards his or her Master, and I adopted it. I provided the first meal of the day. I kept our quarters neat...

Pauses, shakes his head

Although that I would have done even if it were not among the duties of a Padawan. I did not realize my Obi was such a...untidy man. I do not clean his room, however. Out of respect for his privacy, I stay away from it. I also stay away to protect myself as I would most likely go mad with the desire to clear it out. He has a habit of accumulating...stuff.

I do not. I was taught not to cling to material things. Power. Hatred. Anger. Those mattered. The cluttery detritus of a human life was not supposed to matter. Even now it is difficult for me to break the habit of not taking any possessions.

Another pause

I thought this routine meant he was becoming more accepting of my presence. I thought the fact I sensed no surge of hostility when we sparred together was a positive sign.

The fault is mine. I pushed when I should have remained silent. Still...he needs something to shock him out of his self-imposed prison.

He spends a great deal of time in meditation. I think now it was more of an excuse to avoid being in the same room with me than any real desire to regain his balance. Last night I asked him why Jedi meditate.

"To gain inner peace," he answered. After a moment, he had a question of his own. "Why do Sith meditate?"

"To gain control," I replied. And then I made my mistake. "You meditate so often. Where, then, is your peace?"

"I have peace!" He was all but snarling at me, and I almost laughed.

"I sense no such thing from you," I told him with blunt honesty. "Your spirit is not tranquil. Your mind is not at rest."

"You think so?" He took a step towards me, his hands clenched into fists. "Then it's your doing! I haven't had any peace since--"

He broke off then, but I heard what he did not say. In his mind, I had destroyed his peace on Naboo when I killed his Master. He still believed that. Nothing had convinced him, not even the words of the Council. There was one way to prove my innocence, but I knew he would not hear of it.

"That is not my fault," I replied. "In two ways. I did not kill Qui-Gon--"

I believe what he did then is commonly called a "sucker punch." I saw the blow coming. I could have avoided it. I did not. I allowed the blow to land. I did not sway or stumble.

I admit I was angry.

"Don't you say that name!" he shouted, his face red with fury. "Don't you dare taint his memory by speaking of him!"

"Why?" I sneered. "Because you will not? I have never heard you utter your Master's name since I have been here. Why is that, little Jedi?"

I stalked him. I closed in. He did not flinch or move. I grabbed the braid that fell over his shoulder and wound it around my fist.

"Why have you not removed this?" I demanded. "You are a Knight, not a Padawan."

"That is none of your concern," he ground out through clenched teeth.

Our gazes were locked. We were fighting a battle of wills.

"Do you feel unworthy?" I asked, and he shook his head violently but did not speak. "Is that it? You failed to save his life, so you must do penance for the rest of yours?"

I yanked the braid, forcing him to come close to me. He was furious. He grabbed double handfuls of my tunic at the throat.

"Let go of me," he snarled, and I did laugh then.

"Or what? You will kill me?" I gave his braid another yank--hard--yet he still did not flinch.

We were both angry. Both breathing hard. So close I could all but feel the beating of his heart. I wanted to throw him to the floor. To take him. To hear him moan and see him writhe beneath me. To make him forget his rage and despair. Despite my anger at his continued stubbornness, I wanted him, and the wanting was a steady rhythm pounding in my blood as we stared intently at each other.

"No." He curled his lip with disdain. "I will make you wish you were dead."

"Like you."

"Stop it, damn you!" He began struggling to free himself, and I relented. I let go of his braid, and he pushed himself away from me, stepping backwards and looking at me as if there were no greater pleasure for him at that moment than seeing me dead on the floor. Preferably by his hands.

"If I have no peace now," he said, drawing himself up with as much dignity and calm as he could muster, "it is your doing. How can I know peace when every day I must look at the face of the monster that killed the person who meant most to me?"

He was right.

This is not my face. Not anymore. This is not the face I was born with. It is not the face that reflects who I am now.

But there is an answer.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

All right, I admit it. It's my fault the creature's gone. I was...

grimace

I was unfair. I said some things, and if the thing really is trying to change... Well, what I said probably didn't help.

He sits up straight, his expression indignant

Damn it, I just can't believe all that "he's not a threat" nonsense Master Yoda keeps telling me! It's a Sith! It killed him! It tried to kill me! And now all of a sudden, it wants to walk away from everything it ever knew and start over on the other side? It just doesn't make sense. Why would it do that? What could possibly motivate such a drastic change?

He slumps again, looking weary

I don't know. It's all so jumbled up in my head. I can't meditate anymore, and my balance is gone. I've tried looking along the Force to the future, but I can't see anything. It's all gray and misty, like there's too many choices for one clear path to stand out. Sometimes I get a feeling... an image of someone near me, but I can't see it clearly. It's not that thing, though. It can't be, because this person feels...

Well, it's just different, that's all.

Master Yoda insists that the creature hasn't gone back to its Master. He knows a lot more than he's telling me, and I'm getting tired of not knowing what's going on. There's not much I can do about it, though.

Long pause...He appears to be struggling with something; conflicting emotions flit across his face

The thing I hate most... The thing I hate to admit... I'd gotten used to having that creature around. It was quiet, but it was there, and it tried to help. It made the first meal every day, it kept the common area clean, and I kind of got used to preparing lessons for it... It was a challenge to see what I could come up with, to discuss the differences between his training and mine...

Gods above and below--what is wrong with me that I accepted companionship from that thing on any level? How could I betray him like that? It's like I'm making a mockery of him, his life, everything he taught me.

But Anakin is a child. He couldn't talk to me, and Sith-creature it may be, it's also an adult. It's got a clever mind, and it seems to enjoy learning. The few times I relaxed enough to talk it, I... enjoyed the conversation.

And... if it really is trying to break away from the Dark side, then... then I shouldn't have been so harsh. Not that it held its tongue with me either. Far from it.

What annoys me most of all is the damned thing was right. It can see inside me. It understands me. No one, not even Master Yoda, has said anything like that to me before, but this creature cut right to my heart and laid it open.

Is that some sort of Sith trick? Did it probe my mind? Or did it just make a lucky guess? That's one question I'll never know the answer to because I'm not giving it the satisfaction of knowing it shook me.

If it returns, that is.

I wonder when that will be.

Maul's Personal Log:

I have returned.

From Obi-Wan's reaction, one would think I am more of an oddity now than I was before I left.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

stands, fists clenching, almost shaking with anger

This is an OUTRAGE!

How could they allow this to happen?

That--that--thing must not have told the Council what it was going to do. It sneaked around to make this happen. I know it. And I'm going to report this! They'll have to face its treachery now!

Maul's Personal Log:

I believe Obi-Wan was surprised by the change.

I arrived at our quarters during the time he is normally gone to the training arena for practice. This is what I wanted.

When he returned, I was waiting for him. He looked at me with confusion at first. Then realization sank in. He turned white. Then red. Then he stormed off without a word.

I heard him talking to Master Windu. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that Master Windu talked, and Obi-Wan yelled.

He has done nothing to regain his peace, I see.

I did not intend to eavesdrop. However, I could not help but hear his side of the conversation at least, consisting mostly of insults and demands for my permanent removal. He seemed to think that I had not consulted anyone before making this change. He was wrong.

I made tea.

When he finally emerged from his room, he was still scowling. He threw himself on the couch and sat there, his arms crossed and his expression belligerant.

I offered him a cup of tea. He refused. I shrugged and began drinking the tea myself before addressing a matter which needed to be resolved.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

All right, so I made a mistake.

Master Windu said that the creature petitioned the Council about this, and they gave it permission. So they knew. They just didn't see fit to tell me about it.

So I walked in my quarters today to see some stranger in a Padawan uniform standing there. It took me a moment to realize who it was--and then I was furious.

The Sith-creature has had its horns and tattoos removed. It looks just like any other human! Appearances are definitely deceiving in this case.

I can hardly stand looking at it. I barely paid attention to what it looks like now. Dark hair that's very short. That's all I know. And his hands... When I finished talking to Master Windu and the creature offered me tea... I didn't look at it when it approached. Not even when it held out the cup.

"Tea, Master?"

Yes, it was the creature, all right. There was no mistaking the voice.

"No." I tried not to look, but still I could see his hands, holdng the cup, offering it to me. Those long fingers, calloused from years of training...

The next thing I knew, it was sitting across from me, drinking the tea I'd refused, and then it said, "I have a name."

I glanced up at it, then quickly looked away again. "What?"

It kept on sitting there and drinking the tea calmly, never raising its voice above its usual volume. "I am not 'it' or 'thing' or 'that Sith-creature'. I have a name. Maul. M. A. U. L. I am weary of being dehumanized because of your irrational refusal to accept the truth."

Unfortunately, I didn't have a reply to that.

Maul's Personal Log:

This face pleases me.

It is not beautiful, like Obi-Wan's, but it pleases me. I look in the mirror now, and I see the man I should have been. Not the monster I became.

My past is behind me. All ties are severed.

I will recreate my life as the Healers recreated the face I should have had all along. I will be worthy of the Jedi. I will be worthy of Obi-Wan.

This face pleases me. I wonder if it will ever please him.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I really wish he hadn't made this change.

It's harder to remember that Maul's not just another Jedi. He looks normal, he acts normal... Well, pretty much, anyway. The constant reminder of what he was... is... is gone. I can't see him as a Sith now. Not enough to keep my walls up as I could before.

It doesn't help that he's...

flushes slightly and squirms

Well, he's so damn good-looking!

I tried to ignore him, but you can't live with someone and not notice how they look no matter how hard you try. And now...now I find I can't stop looking.

He's got dark hair, and he's working it into the Padawan style. He really is taking this whole thing seriously. He's got a ponytail started in the back and even a short skein of hair just behind his ear that he's letting grow. But he's not braiding it. I know what he's doing. He's waiting for me to braid it for him. To... accept him, I guess. But I just can't do that.

And that mouth. A thin upper lip, but that lower lip... I find myself staring and wanting to find out what it tastes like, to suck it... I haven't had feelings like this since... since...

He breaks off with what sounds like a muffled sob

It's not right! I shouldn't feel these things--not for him! Not for the man who killed my Master!

Maul's Personal Log:

Obi-Wan and I are engaged in an uneasy dance.

I sense his confusion. I notice him watching me. These things give me hope. Yet I know he is still unwilling to admit the truth about me, about his emotions. About anything. He wishes to hide. To stay safe. I cannot allow that to continue. He is a Jedi Knight. I sense a greatness about him that will never reach its fullest potential unless he releases the anger and fear that are holding him back.

I cannot rush him, however. He must be led slowly, or he will run. I must be careful.

Right now, I am playing the role of Dutiful Padawan. I prepare meals. I serve him tea. We have discussions. That is all. More and more I feel his blue-green eyes on me, but he will not touch me voluntarily. The only contact we have is during lightsaber practice, and that is by accident. He uses my name now, but that is the only concession to my humanity he appears to have made.

At the moment, I do not know how to go about breaking down the walls he has surrounded himself with.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

Something happened tonight... something unexpected... I'm not sure how I feel about it yet...

He pauses, looking thoughtful

One year ago today, my Master died on Naboo.

At first, I was deliberately cold to Maul. It was his doing, after all, and I felt such a cold, sick anger inside just thinking about it, but he didn't even seem to notice. Maybe it's the kind of behavior he expects from me, and today wasn't any different, just a little more intense.

shakes his head

Anyway...I was angry and looking for a target--any target. When we sparred today, I went after him--I kept advancing, kept hammering him, giving him no room to maneuver or breathe. I just kept on attacking and attacking, and he just let me.

Finally I realized what I was doing--turning a practice session into a real fight--and I stopped. We'd both stripped out of our tunics, and I looked at him standing there, panting, and the sun filtered through the window fell across his bare chest. I could see drops of sweat dappling his skin. And in that moment, I felt my anger drain away. I knew what he was doing: giving me a release by allowing himself to be the target I needed and wanted. For just that instant, it was perfectly clear in my head, and I knew he wasn't angry, that he didn't blame me for taking out my negative emotions on him, that he was in some way trying to help me.

What I don't understand is why. Unless it's out of guilt. He wants to atone for what he's done.

For a moment, I was grateful--and then I remembered who he was. A Sith. A murderer. He probably had ulterior motives for what he'd done.

I turned away from him, trying to calm down. And then suddenly I felt a warm hand on my shoulder, sliding over to rest against the back of my neck beneath my hair. I felt my entire body go tense, but it was divided on the reason. Part of me was tense because I didn't want him touching me. The other part of me was tense because I did.

Maul's Personal Log:

I do not know how long we stood there like that. I had not planned on taking such an action. It was an impulse. One that I cannot say I regret. The memory of his hot, damp skin still lingers in my hand, and I will not soon forget it.

One touch. But I wanted so much more. I wanted to run both hands all over his back. To touch the well-defined muscle. To trace the indentation of his spine. I wanted to slide my arms around him. I wanted to brush aside his hair and give the back of his neck a hundred little nipping kisses just to watch him shiver.

Instead, I dropped my hand away when I felt him tense.

"Do you wish to continue, Master?" I asked, trying to sound polite and distant. Years of practice at controlling my reactions serve me well now. I do not think he realizes how much I desire him.

He shook his head.

"You need release," I said quietly. "Let me give it to you."

"I..." He fell silent for a long time. When he spoke again, it was with reluctance. "You already have. Today has been...difficult."

"Yes." A strange boldness overcame me, and I stepped close behind him. Close enough to feel the heat emanating from his body, and my own breathing quickened. I reached out and rested my hand on his hip, squeezing it gently. We are so close in height, so well-matched. I wanted to mold myself against him. "You must let go before you can heal."

To my surprise, he did not pull away from me. When he spoke, his voice was ragged.

"I know. It's just so difficult... I feel responsible... I could have done something..."

I took advantage of the moment. I realize this. It could end up being a mistake, but I do not regret it.

I placed my other hand on his other hip and tugged him backwards just enough that his back grazed my chest. He did not lean against me, but he did not resist either. I gave in to the temptation to rest my cheek on his shoulder.

"Anything you could have done differently would have resulted in your death as well," I told him. "The Force meant for you to survive. You have a destiny. I sense it. Qui-Gon's task was finished. Yours has not yet begun."

At the mention of his Master's name, a sob hitched his chest, and I tightened my grasp on his hips, pulling him closer. It was not an embrace, but it would suffice for now.

"I want him back..." His voice was barely audible, but the words reached me. Sliced into me. "I love him..."

Now I know. I am battling not one but two ghosts: that of the clone who killed his Master and that of his lover.

I have to wonder if I can possibly win when Obi-Wan is determined to dwell among the dead rather than join the dance of the living.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I've been waiting for this. I thought it would come sooner, but I suppose with all the changes Maul has been through, they put it off a little longer.

But today it happened: we were summoned in front of the Council so they could assess Maul's progress.

I have to admit... I was of two minds about it. Part of me hoped they'd find some hidden darkness lurking in him, some concealed piece of planned treachery, and then they'd banish him. Or kill him, but I don't want... Well, if that's going to happen, let it be by my hands.

The other part of me was afraid of failure. Not his but mine. I'm supposed to be his Master, but I haven't taken the task seriously, and if he's made any progress, it's probably because of his own desire to change and learn, not because of any help I've given him. I won't even bond with him even though Master Yoda has said he would order me to if necessary.

They let me stay in the Council Chamber while they mentally probed and interrogated him. Each of the twelve Council members had their chance, and then some of them had another go at him in pairs or groups of three or four. Not a word was spoken aloud, and they locked me out of the proceedings, but I could feel the crackle of energy in the air. The entire room was bursting with Force-energy, so much that it was almost oppressive at times, and I was glad it wasn't me who was the focus of all that intense energy.

When it was over, Maul was pale, sweating and shaking, but he still managed to stand up and bow to the Council. Then he wavered, looking like he was going to stumble backwards, and without even thinking, I went to his side and put my hand on the center of his back, steadying him. I don't know why, not even now, hours later. I just... did it.

The look he gave me contained unspoken gratitude, but I ignored it. I just wanted to hear what the Council had to say about him.

"You have done well, Maul." Master Windu was the first to speak. "Even the most skeptical among us agree that we sense no lingering trace of the Dark in you. You still have much to learn before you can truly claim to be of the Light, but you are on the path."

Maul nodded but didn't speak.

"Taught you well your Master has," Master Yoda said, giving me one of those piercing looks that always makes me feel like I'm two years old again. "But bonded you have not. Time it is."

I opened my mouth to protest, but before I could say a word, Maul cut me off.

"No."

Master Yoda turned That Look on him, but he didn't flinch or look away. He's either braver than I thought... or more stupid.

"I will not accept a bond unless my Master is willing. If the bond is created out of obligation, then it is useless. The point of having it is entirely undermined."

"You don't want a Master-Padawan bond with your Master?" Master Windu asked, narrowing his eyes as he stared at Maul, adding his no-nonsense look to Master Yoda's.

"I do not want it if my Master does not want it." Maul was calm and matter-of-fact. I knew that tone. It meant he had made up his mind, and as far as he was concerned, that was how matters would be.

"What say you?" Master Yoda was back to me now, and I had to repress the urge to fidget.

"I'm... not ready," I admitted. "I'm sorry, Master, but I can't do that now. I need more time."

Master Yoda nodded slowly. There was a moment of silence and another hum along the Force as if a buzz of communication was going on around us.

Finally Master Windu spoke again. "Then time you will have. By the order of the Council, you are solely responsible for Padawan Maul's training until such time as he is ready to face his Trials and become a Jedi Knight. You're his Master now, Jedi Kenobi. Permanently."

Maul's Personal Log:

Obi-Wan asked me to meditate with him tonight.

It is the first time he has ever asked such a thing of me. I do not know why he decided to ask now. Perhaps the meeting with the Council and being appointed my permanent Master has caused him to take his assigned duty more seriously.

Whatever the reason, he asked. I accepted.

"Sit." He barely glanced at me as he ordered me to take a seat on the floor of the common area. It was the safest place. Normally he meditated in the privacy of his room, but going to his room or mine would have been too... intimate for him to tolerate at this point, I imagine.

I sat as he instructed and waited. He sat down across from me and moved close enough so that our knees just barely touched.

"I haven't been doing well with this by myself," he admitted, less grudgingly than I thought he would. "You're grounded. I can feel that, and I want your help in regaining my own balance."

"As you wish, Master." The polite words did nothing to convey the pleasure I felt at that moment. Not only because he had asked my help but also because he was taking a necessary first step towards healing.

He grunted an acknowledgment, then closed his eyes. I did the same. As we were not bonded, I did not expect any sort of mental connection with him. I simply worked on grounding and centering myself as I always did.

Being near him made that easier. I was content having him so close. Voluntarily at that. I was... pleased.

My mind slowly cleared of all extraneous thoughts. They drifted away, and I let them go until all was clear and peaceful. I felt Obi-Wan's presence along the Force, but I was too immersed in my own state of mental emptiness to reach out.

Then I realized that something was coiling around my mind, twining inextricably with it--and that it was none of my doing. I expanded my awareness, and with a shock I felt Obi-Wan in my mind. And myself in his.

The Force was swirling around us, an almost palpable presence. I could feel it humming between us. It was linking us. Obi-Wan had not reached for this bond that was forming anymore than had I. The Force was letting us know its will in no uncertain terms.

I relaxed and let the Force work through me. I had not chosen this, but as it was the will of the Force, I would not hinder it either. I felt Force-tendrils in my mind, winding a thread between myself and Obi-Wan. I felt the utter peace of its presence. I felt Obi-Wan's outrage and frustration. He was fighting it.

I felt the Force like a gentle touch. It sang to me of peace and hope. I have never felt it in such a way before. The Dark Side was always rough and chaotic. This was... There are no words. Serenity does not begin to cover the all-encompassing harmony I felt, not only within myself but with everything around me.

This is what I have missed. This is what my former Master kept me from finding. This is what I have craved my entire life.

I think I may have smiled.

I wanted to laugh.

And through it all, my Obi-Wan struggled. He could not accept the gift. He saw it as a burden.

He cried out. His outburst brought me out of myself.

"We're bonded!" he snarled.

I nodded. "Yes."

"What did you do?" he demanded. "Damn you, tell me! How did you do that?"

I knew he was stubborn. I did not think he was stupid.

I rose to my feet. "Are you so cut off from the Force that you can no longer feel it working within you? This was none of my doing. I have neither the strength nor the skill to force a bond."

I was angry. I was frustrated. I wanted to shake him until he finally stopped acting like the fool I knew he was not.

"Will you now go to the Council to accuse me of mind rape?" I stared down at him where he sat on the floor, looking stunned. Perhaps because of what had happened. Perhaps because of what I was saying. Perhaps both. "Add it to the ever-growing list of my alleged crimes? We are bonded. The Force created the link between us. You are lying to yourself, to me and to the Force itself if you say otherwise."

I left him. I retreated to my room, and I have been here ever since. I am not eager to face him again.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

He sits looking off to one side, covers his face with both hands and then runs them through his hair. When he speaks, his voice is shaky.

We're bonded. He's in my head, and I'm in his, and I can't do a damn thing about it because I didn't do it, I didn't ask for it, it just happened, and if I sever it... If I sever the bond and the Council, especially Master Yoda, ever found out, they'd demand answers, and somehow I just don't think "because I didn't want it" would be good enough.

I've clamped down my shields as tight as possible, but I can still feel him, and I know he must feel me. We're joined. The Force has bound us together until... when? Until he faces his Trials? Will it allow me to be free of him then?

He break off, looking stricken

It's too much... I don't know how much more of this I can take. I already feel on the verge of exploding, and now this... I need a break.

I need a break.

Maul's Personal Log:

I did not know Jedi allow themselves to become intoxicated.

Obi-Wan left not long after our meditation session. I felt his agitation along our new bond. I also felt shields being woven tightly around himself. To protect himself from me, no doubt.

Hours passed. I assumed he had gone to lament his fate to the Council. Perhaps to meditate. When I felt the mental shields between us begin to slip and strange emotions began leaking through to me, I knew he had done neither.

I could sense his alcohol-induced good humor along our bond. I did not initially realize he was intoxicated, and I was curious enough to want to know what had prompted such a vast change in his attitude. Therefore, I ventured into the common area and waited until he arrived home.

In the early morning hours, he stumbled in.

His eyes were glassy, he was disheveled. But he exuded a sense of relaxation such as I had never witnessed from him before. He wove in place where he stood. I approached him and caught scent of the alcohol fumes. I then realized the cause of his present attitude. It was not real. It would wear off as soon as he was sober.

He staggered to the couch and flung himself down. I sat down on the other end of the couch.

"Perhaps you should go to bed," I suggested.

"Nah...s'too early..." He smiled at me then. An open, friendly smile unlike anything I had ever seen directed at me before. So charming. So enticing. Why could he not smile like that when sober as well?

While I was silently wishing to be the recipient of such a look, Obi-Wan made an unexpected move, and I found myself the recipient of something entirely different.

He dragged himself over to my end of the couch and draped his arm across my shoulders, staring intently at me. I stared back. I did not know what to expect. Certainly not what happened.

"You've got a beautiful mouth. Didja know that?" As he spoke, he reached out and touched my lower lip.

I froze.

"No. I have not been told that." I sounded calm. I did not feel calm.

"Well, you do..." He leaned forward, still stroking my lips. "I wanna... I wanna do stuff to it..."

Images of the sort of "stuff" he might wish to do rose up in my mind. I swallowed hard and tried to ease away from him before he realized that aspects of my person were rising other than just my thoughts.

He clamped his arm tighter around me and would not allow me to leave.

No. That is untrue. He was in a weakened condition. Had I truly wished to free myself, I could have done so. I did not.

"Wouldja let me?" He leaned closer. I could feel the warmth of his breath on my cheek. I could feel the first stirrings of desire, not only in myself but along our bond as well. His shields were down. I could sense his emotions almost as strongly as my own.

I should have said no. I should have gotten up and left him there. I should have resisted him.

I could not.

The moment his lips touched mine, I gave up rational thought. I did not care that he was intoxicated. I did not care that he would probably not remember this, and if he did, he would be displeased.

His passion flared up bright and strong. I reached for it. I answered it with my own. I kissed him. I ran my tongue over his lips, tasting him. I probed gently in his mouth, wanting to taste him deeper and growing more aroused than I thought possible when he let me. Our tongues twined and mated. He moaned into my mouth, and I swallowed the sound, reveling in it.

A feverish heat claimed me. All I wanted was to touch him. To taste him. At that moment, he was willing. I gave no thought to the future or to regret. I gave myself over to the longing, the burning ache that had been nestled within me ever since the moment I saw him.

A simple application of the Force, and his belt slithered to the floor. I pushed his tunics aside, leaving hot, open-mouthed kisses down his neck to his torso. I flicked my tongue over his nipple until it was hard. Until I heard him gasping. I blew lightly on it. He arched against me. He grabbed me and held me against him.

He wanted me. I was pleasing him, and he desired me as much as I desired him. In that transcendant moment, I was joyous. For the first time in my life, I knew pure happiness.

I closed my mouth over his nipple, sucking and teasing it. He squirmed beneath me, and when I ran my hand down his body, I felt his erection. I cupped it through the fabric of his trousers. I stroked it gently. He threw his head back and moaned, lifting his hips to reach my touch.

I could resist no longer.

I unfastened his trousers and pushed them down his hips enough for me to free his shaft. I closed my hand around it, and he gripped my shoulder tightly.

"Yes... Gods, yes... please..."

It was all the invitation I needed.

I knelt between his legs and took a moment to look at him. I had thought about this moment often. It was not quite the way I had hoped it would be, but the rational part of my brain had fled. I only thought of exploring him as I had longed to do, of pleasing him, of worshipping his beauty with my body instead of only with my thoughts.

I nuzzled him with my lips. I mouthed his sac. And all the while, I left my hand stroke up and down in a slow, lazy rhythm. I wanted him mad with need. He was panting. He clutched the cushions. He began moving his hips, thrusting against my hand.

When I replaced my hand with my mouth, he cried out. I thought he would come right then, but he did not. I drew him in deep, tasting him completely and savoring it. I withdrew, wriggling my tongue along the underside as I did, and he bucked hard. His moment was drawing near, and I confess... I was eager as well. My own desires had been held in check for too long for me to be slow and easy now.

I stroked him with my mouth and tongue, faster and harder. I grasped his hips, stilling his thrusts, silently urging him along our bond, adding my pleasure and desire to his until I felt the tension bringing his body to the breaking point.

As he shook with release, as his seed spurted in my throat, as I felt the satisfaction of thinking I had pleased my lover, he shouted.

"Yes! Oh, yes, Qui-Gon! Yes!"

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I woke up this morning feeling sicker than I ever have before in my life. I was stupid to have gone out and gotten drunk like that. It was running away from my problems, not facing them, and I know better. He taught me better. The only good thing about last night was the dream I had about...

He closes his eyes, obviously forcing himself to say the words

About my...my Master.

It was incredible--so vivid! Even now, if I close my eyes, I can still feel him, feel his mouth on me, all over me...

It was a dream of what I wish had occurred in the waking world when I still had the chance.

Maul's Personal Log:

Obi-Wan does not appear to remember the events of last night.

Good.

I have no intention of reminding him. I do not know if I could face him with complete composure if he remembered everything. The humiliation would be great indeed.

As it is, I do not know what to do now. Whether I should keep trying to ease into his affections or abandon it as a lost cause. I must consider this further.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I really hope that was a dream last night.

His tone is calm, but rising panic is in his eyes

When I was in the bathing room this morning, I noticed a strange mark on my chest, and there are bruises on my left hip that look like they could've been formed by someone holding me there too hard.

No, it was a dream. It had to be because otherwise, who--?

He breaks off, looking pensive

Maul's been quiet today.

Well... he's always quiet, but I mean moreso than usual.

It's strange, but in some ways he reminds me of--

a brief hesitation

--of my Master. He doesn't talk a whole lot unless he's got something to say, unless you get him started on some abstract philosophical idea.

He snorts and rolls his eyes

In that, they're just alike. Maul's serious, too. I've never seen him laugh or even smile. It's not because of his teeth anymore either because he got those fixed too. My Master didn't smile or laugh easily either, but at least he did on occasion. But I guess Maul doesn't have too much of a reason to smile around me. I don't know.

He's also calm in the same way. I get the same feeling from him, like he's grounded and centered and not a whole lot can shake him. Whatever happens, he'll just deal with it calmly and quietly.

But today is different. It's like he's withdrawn inside himself. Outwardly, everything seems normal. When I finally felt alive enough to get up, he had tea and a light meal prepared for me, and his attitude was the usual deferential Padawan role he adopts when it pleases him. He certainly doesn't hesitate to drop it and argue with me whenever he wants!

He didn't say anything, and there's nothing unusual with that, but his silence was different. He wouldn't even look at me. I felt like he was avoiding me or something, and I thought it was because he disapproved of what I'd done last night, but after seeing these marks, I have to wonder...

No, it can't be. I probably just got in a drunken scuffle, that's all. I just can't see Maul loosening up enough to seduce anybody, much less me. Why would he do that? He knows I hate him, and if he feels anything for me, it seems to be impatience at what he thinks is my continued stubborness about believing the so-called truth about him.

That's it. That's the answer. It has to be. Anything else is... unthinkable.

Maul's Personal Log:

I have decided.

I was prepared to give up because Obi-Wan called out his former lover's name in the heat of passion, but I must focus on what happened at first.

He initiated the encounter. I choose to believe he was not so intoxicated that he was looking at me and seeing someone else. Perhaps reality became skewed for him later, but in the beginning, I believe he knew he was with me.

Not Qui-Gon.

That being the case, there is hope. He must have some feelings for me which he does not want to admit to, not even to himself, much less to me. Even if those feelings are only attraction and lust. Those can be the seeds which bloom into something more.

I must be patient. Until this point, I have not pursued him. I have not tried to overcome his reluctance except in a few isolated moments which he has conveniently ignored. From now on, he will no longer be able to ignore me.

I will not let him.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I know I said it seemed like Maul had withdrawn from me, but I think I must have been imagining things. If anything, he's making himself more present than usual. I can feel him inside my head stronger than ever even though my shields are up at full-strength, which means he must have his end of the bond open.

He smiles slightly

He's giving me an invitation, I guess. Maybe he's trying to prove that he doesn't have anything to hide or that he really has changed... I don't know. I'm not going to open up enough to find out.

His brows knit in a puzzled little frown

I know what he said happened, and I still don't believe it, but it's not really fair of me to assume he hasn't changed since then. It's possible... Maybe he really is different now. Maybe he really has embraced the Light. If he has, then I'm not helping his progress any by refusing to accept that. Maybe... Maybe I should try to start letting go of the past.

Maybe I should start talking to him instead of trying to pretend he doesn't exist.

Maul's Personal Log:

I have deliberately lowered my shields to the point that only a thin barrier exists between my mind and Obi-Wan's. Any time he wishes to search my memory or perform a mental probe, he is free to do so. I intend it to be a show of trust. I am not certain if he is even aware of this. Or if he cares.

No matter. I refuse to slink into the shadows any longer. I have been accepted into the Temple. He is my erstwhile Master. I will continue to respect his wish for silence on certain matters, but I will no longer stay out of his path. This is my home too. I have a right to be here as much as he does.

If he does not like it, he will have to solve the problem himself. It is not my problem.

>From now on, I am going to do as I please. We will see how he reacts.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

What a night...

I went to visit Anakin, and when I got home, I found dinner waiting for me. Not just food on the table, either! The lights had been dimmed, and there were candles lit everywhere. Between the smell of the food and the candles and the atmosphere, I found myself relaxing without even thinking about it. It was an unexpectedly pleasant scene to walk in on.

And then there was Maul in the back of my head, practically radiating contentment. He was putting a bowl on the table when I came in, and he looked up and nodded, but he didn't smile.

He pauses, looking thoughtful

I'd like to see that. Just once. I'd like to see him smile or even laugh.

Startled look

I don't know why, I just... do.

Shakes his head

Anyway. I asked him what all this was for, and he said, "I spent most of my life in sterile, empty surroundings. From now on, I wish to have aesthetically pleasing surroundings. That includes taking my meals in a relaxed and pleasant atmosphere."

"This is just for you, then?" I asked, startled. Usually he didn't leave me out, but it sounded like he was going to from now on.

But he gestured to the table and I noticed there were two place settings. I don't know why I was relieved by that...

"Does my Master wish to eat now?"

I nodded and sat down, and he served us both. It was a very good meal, and I had to ask, "Did you make this?"

He gave me one of those long, steady looks of his. "You are surprised?"

"Well..." I leaned back in my chair and smiled at him to let him know I was joking. "I didn't think the culinary arts were part of Sith training."

He snorted. "Even Sith have to eat. However, I have developed my skills since being here."

"What do you mean?"

There was a pause during which he paid careful attention to his food. "My former Master did not approve of...luxury. Meals were to be eaten for their nutrition content alone. Portions were to be no larger than necessary to survive."

"Oh..."

I didn't really know what to say after that, so we spent the rest of our meal in silence. It wasn't awkward though. I didn't feel like I had to say anything. Being around Maul is rather like... rather like being around my Master. We can be quiet together without feeling obliged to speak.

After dinner, he poured us both a glass of wine, and after drinking about half, I decided to ask about something that had been a source of curiosity for me for a while now.

"How is it that you're so..." I paused, searching for the right words. "You're so blasted content all the time? You're an ex-Sith among Jedi, half the Council doesn't trust you, a lot of the rest of us don't trust you, the children are scared to death of you, and you know how I feel about you, so how are you managing this?"

"How do you know I am?" he asked, watching me intently.

I dropped my gaze to the floor and shrugged. "I can feel it. You're keeping the link open, and hard as I try, you still leak through. You always feel at peace, like you're content with your life exactly the way it is."

He just watched me for a moment, and then he turned and walked out onto the balcony. I followed, of course. Setting his glass on the ledge, he leaned on both hands, looking out over the Coruscant horizon. It was full dark, but the landscape was dotted with millions of glittering lights.

"First," he said quietly, "I am not an ex-Sith. I am a Jedi in training."

I scowled, wanting to argue, but when I thought about it, I knew I shouldn't. He was right. If we wanted him to successfully turn to the Light, then none of us should constantly remind him what he was. Labeling people defines them. We had to let go of the past and give him a chance to start over if that's what he wanted.

I have to do that. To keep holding his past over his head is unfair.

"Secondly," he continued. "What you, the Council or any other person thinks of me does not matter. What matters is what I think of myself."

Suddenly he stood up straight and looked at me, his dark blue eyes locking with mine so I couldn't look away if I wanted to.

"For the first time in my life, I am not filled with restless discontent, hatred and anger. For the first time in my life, my spirit is tranquil. I have been given a chance to learn how to use my gifts to help instead of harm. I have known peace here. Yes, I am content."

I didn't say anything. What could I say? I'm beginning to wonder who is the Master here and who is the apprentice.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

It looks like we've developed an after-dinner ritual without even meaning to. Instead of jumping up to clear things away like he used to, Maul serves us both a glass of wine, and then we end up talking for a while. Most of the time, we go out on the balcony because the nights have finally begun turning warm again, and the evening breezes are pleasant. Sometimes we sit on the couch, but Maul doesn't seem as comfortable there for some reason.

Rarely does he volunteer information--I get the feeling he's not comfortable talking about himself--but if I ask, he'll answer.

Tonight I asked him about his former life.

He told me.

Gods...

Breaks off, shaking his head with a look of amazement in his eyes

I don't know how he managed to survive to adulthood. I can't imagine growing up like that. I can't imagine having a Master like that. Mine was... He wasn't one for emotional displays, but I knew he cared about me. I never feared him or thought he would ever harm me.

It started when I asked him why he chose to be a Sith in the first place.

"I did not choose," he informed me bluntly.

We were outside then, and he was leaning with his back against the ledge so he could look at me while we talked.

"I chose to leave the Dark behind me," he continued, his voice even softer than usual. "I chose to embrace the Light."

"Then how--?" I was puzzled. I thought you became a Sith the same way you became a Jedi: you were chosen by your Master before you were thirteen.

"I was taken from my family as an infant. I was raised by my former Master. I was given no alternative but to serve the Dark or die. I knew no other way of life."

"Oh..."

I didn't know what else to say. The very idea was completely foreign to me. I'd been surrounded by peace my entire life and always treated with affection. I just couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of the kind of life he was talking about. That he could walk away from everything he had known and make such a complete change... As much as I hate to admit it, he's deserving of respect for that much, if nothing else.

"Why did you turn away from the Darl Side?" I asked. "What made you leave?"

He fell silent then and drained his glass before answering.

"When I failed to follow orders on Naboo, my Master attempted to kill me for what he perceived as my betrayal of him. I nearly died by his hands. That... and one other important factor... was the catalyst that led me to seek the Light."

"But you didn't come to the Temple right away," I reminded him, still dubious.

"No." He shook his head, his expression somber. "I could not. I needed over a month to heal and regain my strength completely. After that, I spent many months concealing my existence from my former Master and arranging reports of my death to reach him. Even when there was no longer any way for him to sense my presence, I did not dare return to Coruscant immediately in case he had left spies."

"Why did you want to abandon the Dark Side?" I persisted. "Why didn't you just try to get revenge and take his place? Isn't that how it works with the Sith?"

The look he gave me was one of intense weariness, and for a moment I thought I'd pushed too far, but he merely shook his head.

"I had no wish to take his place. The Dark Side was thrust upon me at a young age. I did not embrace it completely of my own volition. When I began to explore the galaxy and see there were other options... I began to question." He broke off and turned away from me then, staring out at the setting sun. "That is why Sideous was convinced I betrayed him. He knew of my growing doubts. He knew I was not fully committed to the Dark Side as I had once been."

Without really thinking about it, I moved to stand beside him, close enough for our shoulders to almost touch. I had the strangest impulse to reach out and put my hand on his shoulder or do something to offer comfort, but I didn't.

He glanced at me, but I don't think he was really seeing me. His eyes were distant and unfocused even when he began talking again.

"For nearly two decades, he kept me mostly isolated from all interaction with other people. Occasionally I came in very brief contact with his spies and servants. That was all. It was not until I was close to taking the last test that he allowed me to serve on missions. It was then that I saw forces other than hatred and anger at work in the universe. I saw they too had power, and I began to wonder."

"Wonder what?" I asked, whispering even though I didn't know why.

He looked at me fully then, skewering me with his eyes again, and for a minute I felt like I was drowning. His eyes are so blue... so intense. He can hold me captive with a single look, and I'm powerless. I felt something surge in my chest, some strange emotion that I didn't want to face, so I squelched it, focusing on his words instead.

"If they were more powerful than the Dark Side."

"If what was more powerful?" I felt breathless, and I wanted to touch him so badly, and I didn't know why, only that it was a need more powerful than anything I could remember feeling in a long time.

"Love and hope," he said.

And instead of commenting on the profoundness of that answer or congratulating him on his progress, all I could think of was how much I wanted to seal my mouth over his and see if his voice tastes as much like warm melted butter as it sounds.

Maul's Personal Log:

I saw longing in my Obi-Wan's eyes tonight.

I do not know if he realized it himself. But it was there. I saw it burning in those blue-green depths as he looked at me.

I do not think he understood the meaning behind my words. The meaning that applies only to him. He is not ready to hear. He is only beginning to accept that there is a bond between us far deeper than that of the Force-formed Master-Padawan bond.

I accept it. I welcome it. I want it. I want him.

Tonight has given me hope that one day he will want me too.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I want him.

There. I've admitted it.

grimly determined look

Now I have to figure out how to get rid of this feeling.

It's wrong! He represents everything I hate!

Well... he did. He doesn't anymore, I know that now. I've talked to him enough and felt his sincerity along our bond that I know he's telling the truth. Whatever he did in the past, he wants to put it behind him.

I can't do that. I will never be able to do that. He took away the person I loved most, and I can never forgive him for that. I can certainly never entertain the idea of letting him be my lover!

So... I have to find a way to purge these feelings. This awful desire I feel when I look at him.

He sparred with Master Windu today, and I just watched, thinking there was no harm in it, but he enthralled me with every move. He is fluid grace. Every motion is poetry of the body. His movements are clean and elegant and so beautiful, I ache at seeing them. It's a feast for my eyes, and a torture for my soul.

I watched him practicing with Master Windu, and my treacherous mind whispered to me, making me wonder what it would be like to hold that lithe body, to feel it against mine, to feel him inside me...

No. I can't let myself think these things. I can't. It's a betrayal of myself and of my Master.

I will never give in to this.

Never.

Maul's Personal Log:

Obi-Wan was not feeling well this evening. He seemed more weary than usual. During dinner, he had little appetite, and he touched his forehead often. Finally he admitted he had a headache. After further questioning and no little irritation at me for "badgering" him, he admitted that Anakin had been unwell when he visited and he suspected he had contracted the illness himself.

I did not ask permission to do what I did next. Had I asked, the answer would have been no.

I left my place at the table and stood behind his chair. When he tried to turn around to look at me and likely ask me what I was doing, I put my hands on either side of his head and made him look straight forward again.

It was indicative of how unwell he must have felt that he did not argue or leave.

Concentrating the Force around my hands to assist in soothing and healing him, I placed my fingers at his temples and began to rub there. Small, gentle circles. He sat very tense at first, holding himself carefully away from me, but I felt him gradually relax. Soon he slumped in his chair. Against me.

He leaned back. He rested against my chest.

Slowly I moved my fingers away from his temples and began massaging his scalp. I had good intentions. I wished to soothe away his headache. That I was finally able to sift through his hair as I have long wished to do was an added benefit. I stroked it. It was silken beneath my hands. I leaned over and breathed in the scent of his hair, the scent of him.

He sighed and did not move. I eased my hands lower, rubbing the back of his neck. His skin was soft and warm. I wanted to nuzzle it. To explore it with my lips and teeth and tongue. Instead of pulling away, he bent his head to give me better access.

I pressed firmly with my thumbs, easing away the knots of tension I felt coiled in his muscles. I had no doubt that his entire back would feel the same way. I wanted to help. I wanted to touch him.

"You are tense, my Master." I leaned over and spoke softly against his ear. "Let me help you."

"How?" He cast an uncertain look over his shoulder at me.

I gestured for him to stand up. Still appearing dubious, he did.

"I will massage your back. Do you wish to remain in here on the couch, or will you allow me into your room?" I asked.

/On the bed./ Neither of us spoke the words, but they hung between us.

He hesitated. I could see the doubt in his eyes. Reluctantly he nodded and led me into his bedroom. I did not look around once we were inside even though I had not been in there before. My eyes were riveted on him. My chest was constricted. I could scarcely believe he was allowing this.

He stopped next to his bed and stood there awkwardly for a moment as if he did not know what to do. I Force-raised the lights just enough so that I could see him. I approached him slowly, catching his gaze and holding it, hoping to reassure him without words.

I reached out and ran the neckline of his tunic between my thumb and forefinger. "On? Or off?"

He swallowed hard. His breathing accelerated. Whether from anxiety or anticipation, I do not know.

"Off."

I nodded and moved close enough to unfasten his belt. I did not look at him as I removed it from his slender waist, put it aside and began unwinding his sash. I focused on what I was doing in case the desire I felt rising within me showed in my eyes. His tunics fell open. I slid my hands beneath the light fabric and pushed them off his shoulders. Down his arms. It took all my control not to caress him. To run my hands over every inch of newly exposed skin. To explore it thoroughly.

My hands shook as I folded his tunics and put them aside. I could see Obi-Wan's chest rising and falling rapidly. My eyes were drawn to his naked torso. I greedily drank in the sight of him, memorizing each hard plane of muscle, the flat stomach, the dusky nipples I had barely had the chance to taste. The memory of them beading beneath my tongue rose up unbidden, and I closed my eyes, willing myself not to give in to temptation as I had done before. He was sober. He was not the aggressor this time.

"Sit down," I commanded him, careful to keep my voice quiet and unthreatening.

He obeyed. I knelt and pulled off his boots. Then I directed him to lie down on his stomach. He did so hesitantly. He did not relax. I could see the tension in his body. When I sat down beside him and touched his back, I could feel it coiled beneath the surface of his skin.

"Rest easy, my Master." I sent a wave of reassurance along our bond in case he could sense it even through his shields.

I began massaging his shoulders, digging my thumbs firmly into his muscles, working out the knots I felt there. Focusing my attention on that helped me dampen all thoughts of how smooth and warm his body was and how much I wished I could touch him in different ways than a simple massage.

I worked my way slowly down his back, taking time to knead each muscle until it felt loose and pliant. By the time I reached the middle of his back, he released a shuddery sigh and began to go limp beneath my hands.

By the time I reached his lower back, he was asleep.

I stopped, resting my hands on his hips, just looking at him for a moment. He lay with his head turned to one side. I could see half of his face. In repose, he looked very young. Very vulnerable.

I bent over and kissed the base of his spine. I nuzzled the fine, downy hair in that spot. I ran my hands slowly up along his sides, down his arms and back again. These were touches he would never allow me if he were awake. I felt like a thief, stealing them now. But I could not resist the tempting sight he presented.

I longed to slip into bed with him. To gather him in my arms and curl around him, to sleep that way all night.

Instead I am in my own room. In my own bed. Alone.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I woke up alone, and for some reason, that surprised me. My sleep-blurred mind insisted that there ought to be someone else there, but when I reached out, the other side of the bed was empty and cold. I cracked open my eyes to look, but the other pillow was as plump as ever. No indention to show that someone had rested their head there.

I'm getting depressed again just thinking about it, but there's no logical reason for me to have thought that in the first place.

There's an illogical one, though. When I'd woken up another couple of levels, I remembered the night before. I'd been feeling out of sorts and had a headache, and somehow I let Maul talk me into letting him massage my back.

Well, actually, he started off massaging my temples, and I could tell by the heat and the tingle in his hands that he was Force-healing my headache. It worked, too, and it felt so good...

We ended up in my room, and for a minute, we just stared at each other. The lights were dim, and I couldn't see his expression that clearly--not that it would have done much good anyway. He never gives anything away, not with his face or his eyes. And for once, I couldn't feel anything from him along our bond. It was like he'd shielded too for some reason.

I thought maybe he knew, that he'd guessed I have these... feelings for him. Maybe something had leaked out, or I showed it, and he was disgusted, but then he sauntered to me. That's the only way to describe it. The way he carried himself, the way he moved--he was in control, and he knew it. The roll of his hips as he walked held me enthralled, and all I could do was stare, trying not to pant visibly.

Then amid the total silence of the darkened room, that low, mesmerizing voice: "On? Or off?"

He meant my tunic. He could have meant every stitch of clothing I had on, and I still would have said "yes."

He must have sensed my tension because he leaned over at one point and whispered, "rest easy." It didn't help at all--the sound of that voice brushing against my ear like velvet only aroused me even more, and it was all I could do not to start thrusting against the mattress.

Thank all the listening gods that he'd asked me to lie on my stomach.

And when he touched me... I never thought the hands of a warrior like him could be so gentle. He was slow and methodical, working on each muscle in my back until I felt myself relaxing at last.

I wanted him so much, and I was so ashamed. I still am. I should not feel this way. Not for him, of all people. But I do. Now the question is, what do I do about it? How do I get him out of my mind?

Maul's Personal Log:

Obi-Wan is confused. Conflicted. I can sense it.

I am doing nothing to help ease his mind. On the contrary, I have begun taking steps to ensure he cannot possibly forget that I am here.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

If I weren't so blasted certain that Maul has no idea I desire him and that there's no way he could possibly feel the same way about me, I would swear he's trying to drive me out of my mind on purpose.

The day before yesterday, he walked out of the bathing room to his bed room wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. And of course he had to take a detour to the kitchen area first to get a snack. He leaned on his hip against the table, calmly eating a piece of fruit while I could scarcely stop gaping at him.

Did he have any idea how delectable he looked? His skin was still damp from the shower, glowing with heat and health, and his hair was still wet, touseled and sticking up because he's determined to keep it in a Padawan cut. The skein of loose hair behind his ear that should be a braid fell over his shoulder, clinging to his skin and sending rivulets of water down his chest. I followed the course of one down, watching it maneuver through the light dusting of hair, down his firm stomach, down to the edge of the towel that was riding indecently low on his hips, down...

My mouth went dry, and I felt like I was starting to shake.

"Would you like a bite?"

Gods, but that was a loaded question if ever I'd heard one, but he meant the piece of fruit, which he was holding out to me. I shook my head, not trusting my voice.

Finally he left, and I retreated to take a very cold shower, silently cursing him for being so oblivious. I have no idea what his... intimate life was like before. I don't even know if he's ever had sex. From what I can tell, his life was completely devoted to training, and that doesn't leave a lot of time for socializing. He probably doesn't even realize the effect he's having on me.

Maul's Personal Log:

My Obi-Wan is on the verge of exploding.

Yesterday, I found him in the kitchen, preparing a mid-day meal for himself.

I stood very close behind him and closed my hand over his. He nearly dropped the knife he was holding.

"Let me do that for you, my Master." I spoke in his ear. I have noticed this makes him shiver, and this time was no different.

"No, that's all right. I can do this for myself." He hesitated, then added, "Thank you."

He did not look at me. He concentrated very hard on what he was doing. I did not move.

"Are you certain?" I shifted my stance just enough so that our bodies touched from shoulder to hip. I felt his sharp intake of breath.

"Yes." He was tense. His voice was tight and controlled. "I'm certain."

"As you wish."

I left him. Slowly.

There is desire between us. Now if only I can coax him into admitting it. And acting on it.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

All right, maybe I was wrong. Maybe Maul does realize how I feel.

Today, he stumbled during hand-to-hand practice.

Maul does not stumble.

This is a man who does not walk--he glides. Unless he's headed for me, in which case it seems more like he stalks. He appears to have his body under his total control at all times, and every movement he makes is controlled, elegant and graceful.

But today...

He breaks off, closes his eyes and shivers

Today, he stumbled while we grappled bare-handed, and it just happened to send us both sprawling to the floor--me conveniently pinned beneath him. At first we were both breathing hard from exertion, but he looked at me, our gazes locked, and something passed between us.

For me, everything froze. There was nothing and no one in the world except him, and all I could do was lie there, savoring the delicious weight of his body pressed against the entire length of mine. I wanted to wrap my legs around his hips, grab his face and pull him into a kiss that would make him react. I wanted to see him out of control with passion, I wanted to make him lose that calm composure.

There was no way he could miss the fact that I was aroused; he had to feel my erection. Just like I could feel his. The rest of him might not give anything away, but that was one thing that was beyond his control and that he couldn't hide, not in the vulnerable position we were in. No matter what he thought or felt before that moment, right then, he wanted me as much as I wanted him.

I could see blue embers smoldering in the depths of his eyes, and I wanted to make them erupt into flame. He'd been torturing me for days whether deliberately or not, and it was time for me to get a little revenge, so I tilted my hips up, pressing against him. In that moment, I didn't care about guilt or shame, I was drowning in lust.

He lowered his head, and I knew he was going to kiss me. We had tumbled to the floor with our hands clasped together in a fighting hold as we struggled to win the match, but now he twined his fingers with mine, pinning my arms over my head as he bent closer--

--and my commlink sounded.

I had promised to help Ani with lightsaber practice, and I was late.

At the time, frustration coursed through me as Maul quickly jumped up and extended his hand to help me up, but now I realize it was the best thing that could have happened. If we hadn't been interrupted, he would have kissed me. If he had kissed me... I don't know where it would have led. We might have ended up having sex right there on the practice room floor.

He shivers

I've got to be more careful. I've got to keep my distance until I figure out what to do and how to get rid of this desire I feel for the one man who ought to be my worst enemy. Not my lover.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

For the first time since Naboo, I had a vision while I was meditating. Before Naboo, I had them, not regularly, but often enough to know this was part of my Force-gift. I used to work with Master Yoda a lot to develop the skill because my Master's talent lay in the Living Force. I don't think he ever had a vision or experienced a feeling of premonition like I did. He was too grounded in the moment to heed such warnings.

Since Naboo, I haven't seen or felt anything. I've tried to see my future path, but it's still cloudy. But today--today I saw something without even trying. Today a vision came to me like they used to. Be careful what you ask for indeed!

He pauses, and when he speaks again, his voice is very low and deliberate, almost toneless.

In my vision, I saw myself standing over Maul. I think he was dead. He was sprawled at my feet, not moving. I was in a defense posture, and my lightsaber was activated. At first I thought it was a vision showing me that one day I would have my revenge: I will kill Maul. But then I saw something that makes me doubt that.

Another Maul. Only this one still had the horns and the tattoos, and I could feel the hate and anger rolling off him as he closed in to attack me just like I felt from Maul on Naboo... Just like I've never felt from Maul since he's been here. He's changed all right. Feeling this made me remember, and the difference in him between then and now is staggering.

Now that I think about it, it has to be symbolic. Maybe it's giving me a warning that the Dark Side still has a hold on Maul, and if we're not careful, he'll succumb to it again. It has to be symbolic, because if it isn't, that means there's a clone of Maul out there. And if there's a clone of Maul now or in the future, that means there could have been one on Naboo just like he said, and I'm just not ready to believe that.

Breaks off and reflects a moment

Anyway, the vision shook me up enough that I didn't even think twice, I just got up and ran off to find Maul. I found him in one of the practice rooms with Master Gaelyr and his Padawan, Ettis.

Ettis was slowly walking through a series of moves with a long staff, his face scrunched up as he concentrated on keeping his balance and mobility while handing the unusual weapon. Gaelyr appeared to be just watching the exercise, while Maul seemed to be the one actually directing it. I could hear him giving instructions in a low, steady tone: "Now step forward. One, two...Yes. Watch your wrist...Now back and extend."

Dipping the front end of the staff down in a blocking maneuver, Ettis let the back end come up too fast, and it hit him on the shoulder. Immediately, he stopped and grinned at Maul, who gave him a somber look in return.

"You have just cut off your own arm," he said. "Again."

"What does that make it? Three times?" Ettis asked cheerfully.

"Four. But you are doing well."

Ettis bounded over to Maul and handed him the staff, and I was amazed to see what looked like genuine liking and good humor in the boy's face when he looked at Maul.

"Thanks, Maul. You ought to hold a class on this technique. You're a good teacher," Ettis told him, and I sensed nothing from him but sincerity--he meant it.

Maul further added to my amazement by reaching out and tugging on Ettis' braid. "It helps having a quick learner."

"And so you go from the young and quick to the old and slow," Gaelyr spoke up as he went to retrieve another staff that was leaned against the wall. "Time to watch your Master get beaten black-and-blue," he added with a wink to Ettis, who had retreated to a nearby bench.

As I watched, the two began sparring, and I gradually realized what was going on: Maul was teaching Ettis and Gaelyr how to fight with a double-bladed lightsaber. They were using plain staves now, but I quickly noticed that all blows were struck and parried with the ends, not the center of each staff.

Maul was holding back--I could tell. He was allowing Gaelyr time to learn the moves, teaching through example, rather than just going after him full-strength and leaving the Jedi Master to cope as best he could. The session would have lasted all of thirty seconds if Maul hadn't been pulling back, but instead he let it continue, not pressing the advantage when he could have in order to keep Gaelyr learning and practicing what he was learning.

It was the first time I'd seen Maul use anything resembling his former weapon, and suddenly, images of my vision--the Dark Maul had possessed a double-bladed weapon--came flooding back, and I gasped, a wave of fear sweeping over me. Was this the beginning of his fall into darkness?

I don't know whether he heard my gasp or if he felt my sudden rush of emotion, but somehow, Maul was alerted to my presence. He turned to look--just as Gaelyr aimed a blow to his head, and he fell, knocked over by the force of the blow.

Without thinking, I ran over, pulling up short before I could do anything stupid like fling myself to the floor beside him.

"Oh, hells!" Gaelyr tossed aside his staff and knelt beside Maul, who was struggling to sit up, one hand pressed against the side of his head. "I'm sorry, Maul."

"It is my own fault." Maul removed his hand and looked at it, and there was blood on his palm. "I allowed myself to be distracted."

"Ettis, go get a towel," Gaelyr instructed the boy, who had joined our little group, wide-eyed.

He was gone and back in a matter of seconds, and both Master and Padawan attended to him. I was surprised by their behavior, not only because they were taking lessons from Maul, but they also appeared to be genuinely concerned and wanted to help. Ettis cleaned the wound with the towel while Gaelyr performed enough Force-healing to stop the blood flow. Both of them wanted him to visit the Healers immediately, and Maul appeared slightly embarrassed by all of the attention.

Eventually, they remembered I was there, and Maul was turned over to me with the strict instructions that I take him to the Healers to make certain he hadn't gotten a concussion from the blow.

As soon as we were out of the practice room, I turned and looked at him.

"Well?"

He didn't have to ask what I meant, which means either he was sensing my intent along our bond.... or we understand each other too well.

"I am fine. No healers."

"All right, but if you start feeling any symptoms--"

"I have had concussions before. I know the signs. I am fine," he stated bluntly, and I shrugged.

"As you wish," I said, turning words he often used with me back on him. We walked along in silence for a while, but then curiosity got the better of me. "Why were you teaching Gaelyr and Ettis how to fight like that?"

He remained quiet for a moment, then he said, "The Council believes it is a good idea to include such training techniques in case such a weapon is encountered again. They wished me to work with a Master and Padawan first to assess my teaching ability before expanding to work with an entire class as I am the only person qualified to teach these skills at this time."

"You think it could be encountered again?" I asked softly, feeling a clench of nerves in my stomach as I remembered my vision.

"Yes." Maul looked straight ahead, his expression grim. "I think it is very likely."

Maul's Personal Log:

I have had unsettling premonitions lately.

I sense a disturbance in the Force. When I seek the source in meditation, it invariably leads me to one image: my former Master. He is the cause. I believe that if he is not already here on Coruscant, he will be soon. I do not know why. Perhaps he suspects I am still alive. Perhaps he knows I am. I learned many years ago not to underestimate him. I did not expect to fool him forever, if indeed I fooled him in the first place. He could easily have been lying in wait, setting a trap and letting me wander into it unawares as he did when I was a child.

I will not return to him. I will not allow him to bring harm to the Jedi Temple. I will kill him or die myself before I allow him to harm Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

He stares, wide-eyed and silent

Gods... I can't believe what I did...

If anything happens, it's my fault. I have no one else to blame for my own stupidity and selfishness.

We were on the balcony after dinner talking, just talking, and I'd asked him exactly how he'd managed to escape his former Master since the man had tried to kill him.

"He underestimated me," was the answer. "And he did not burn the body."

I shuddered, feeling my mind recoil as it had so often when Maul talked about his past. There are things so horrific that I can scarcely believe they're real, but he lived them. And he talks about them so calmly, so matter-of-fact.

"I retained enough strength and presence of mind to sever our Master-Apprentice bond," he added. "He taught me that pain was to be conquered and used to fuel my anger and hatred. I used it to fuel my desire for escape."

"How did you free yourself from the Dark Side?" I asked. For some reason, his story fascinates me. I find it amazing that he managed to reinvent himself so completely after years of indoctrination. I don't know if I could have done it. I would like to think I could, but I really don't know. He's strong, I have to give him that.

"Meditation," he said. "Searching deep within myself, seeking out the shadows and bringing them to the Light so that they might wither and die. It was difficult."

If there's one thing I've learned about Maul, it's that he's a master of understatement. If he says "it was difficult," the translation is something along the lines of 'it was about a hundred times worse than the most excrutiating and painful situation you can imagine, a trauma that would probably have broken the mind and soul of a lesser man.'

"I often felt like a battleground between the Dark and the Light. It did not want to relinquish me. I struggled to set myself free."

Just enough feeling and imagery seeped through our bond for me to get a vague hint of what he meant. I felt echoes of his agony as the Darkness tore at him, of the physical and mental torment he suffered as he fought to purge himself of the Dark Side, of the screams that ripped from his throat, leaving it as raw as his flayed soul. I shivered again, grateful that I had never had to experience anything like that.

He's very strong-willed and determined. The more I realize what he had to go through to get to the point he is now, the more I realize he's worthy of respect. I'm not training him. All I'm doing is teaching him the Jedi way of life. He did the hard part himself. Alone. Without any help at all.

This hasn't been easy for him. It's still not easy for him, and... my attitude probably hasn't made things any easier.

Suddenly he lifted his glass to me as if in salute, one corner of his mouth quirking up as if in a very slight smile.

"But I am here now. I would far rather be here completely alone than still bonded with my former Master."

I blinked at him, startled. Alone? Here at the Temple where there were countless people around all the time?

"You're not alone now," I said, but he just gave me a look that said he thought I was being more dense than usual.

"Yes, I am." He set his glass down and moved to stand in front of me. "As you pointed out yourself, most people here do not trust me. Master Gaelyr and Ettis are exceptions. If I am not ignored as I walk the halls, I am pointed at and whispered about. You and I are bonded, but you are completely closed to me." He shrugged, an elegant ripple of shoulders. "I am alone."

In that moment, the heartbreaking tragedy of his life and all he had suffered overwhelmed me. He'd been through so much, yet he was still hopeful, still resiliant and looking at what he did have rather than what he didn't. Meanwhile, I'd been wallowing in self-pity, bewailing everything I have lost. He'd always managed to keep hold of hope while I'd deliberately pushed it away.

I felt ashamed. I stopped feeling sorry for myself for the first time in ages and realized there were people, including Maul, who'd suffered much worse than ever I had. I wanted to reach out and help him somehow, to ease the burden of loneliness, and so... I did.

"You're not alone," I whispered, reaching out and pulling him into my arms. "You have me."

He resisted me at first, and I could see the doubt in his eyes.

"It's all right," I said, smoothing my hand down his cheek and slipping my other arm around his waist so I could urge him closer.

Reluctantly, he allowed himself to be pulled against me, but he wouldn't look at me. I thought maybe he didn't want me to touch him, but when I lifted his chin and made him look at me, I could see that wasn't the case at all. His expression was as impassive as always, but desire smoldered in his eyes, tempered by... fear? Was he afraid of me?

"You want this." I was stating a fact.

"Yes." Again he looked away. "Do you?"

Yes. I wanted him, but I couldn't say it aloud. I didn't want to admit it, especially not to him. This was, I decided, a one-time thing. I would let this happen once to get him out of my system and purge away all thoughts of desire just as he had purged himself clean of the Dark Side. Then I would be free. It would also give him reassurance that I no longer hated him and that he wasn't completely alone and friendless.

Instead of speaking, I kissed him. Running my fingers through his spikey hair, I cradled the back of his head in my palm and touched my lips to his, just a gentle brush of mouths, but it wasn't enough. I kissed him again, harder this time, coaxing his lips apart with my tongue so I could taste him, and I'm still not sure whose moan that was, his or mine.

I felt his hands sliding up my arms to grip my shoulders, and he pressed against me, and I could feel his body quivering. I tightened my arm around his waist, concentrating on that kiss, letting it deepen. I explored him with my tongue, feeling an answering quiver in my own body when he twined his tongue around mine in return, letting them dance and mate. I pulled back but only so I could run my tongue over his lower lip, then draw it into my mouth and suck it gently. His lips were warm, soft and pliant; I could feel him opening to me completely, his body relaxing against mine as he gave me full access to his mouth.

And it felt so right... As much as I didn't want to acknowledge that, holding him and touching him felt so good, so right, and we fit together so well, our height matching close enough that we could meld against each other from shoulder to hip, and I felt such peace even in the midst of passion like the Force itself was telling me, "this is right, this is good."

I moved down his neck, nipping and licking, a feverish heat building up in me with each new touch, and he must have felt the same thing because even through the haze of desire surrounding me, I heard him murmur, "Yes... so good, my Obi-Wan..."

Jerking my head up, I stared at him, unable to believe what I'd just heard. I never thought to hear him use an endearment, especially not a possessive one. What I saw in his face sent a wave of ice through me, dousing any passion I might have felt.

For the first time, his expression was completely open. His eyes were shining with a soft glow, and a slight smile curved his lips. I could see happiness and hope, and--and something else that I'd never thought to see from him.

"Why?" I demanded, suddenly pushing him away from me and backing up to a safe distance. "Why didn't you kill me on Naboo?"

I'd asked him that once before, and he told me not to ask again until I ready to hear the answer. Now, I was certain I knew the answer.

He stared at me, obviously stunned by this sudden shift in moods. He was still breathing hard, and it took him a moment to draw his usual dignified composure around himself. Time spun out into a tight, cold thread between us as I waited.

Finally he drew in a deep breath, his usual neutral mask falling back into place, and he braced himself as if for an anticipated blow.

"Because I fell in love with you."

It was the last thing my mind wanted to hear. It was what my secret heart wanted to hear most. And I couldn't handle that.

I broke.

Every bit of venom that had been festering inside my soul erupted in a foul, seething mass of hateful words and emotions, all of which I used to assault Maul, battering him with the strength of my disgust and loathing. For the first time, I opened our bond so he could feel every bit of it.

It was the cruelest thing I've ever done in my life.

"Don't you EVER say that to me again!" I raged, the overflow of emotion still rushing at him, and I could feel him trying to shield against it, but too late. The damage had been done.

When I'd finally calmed down, when he finally looked at me again, I nearly cried out.

His face was a mask of stone, and his eyes were empty. The light within them was dead. All the hope I'd sensed and seen from him before was gone.

I had killed it.

Maul's Personal Log:

I hurt.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

Gods, I've messed things up so badly, and if Maul turns back to the Dark Side, there's no one to blame but me.

I've failed him. Just like I failed my Master. Just like I failed Anakin.

No wonder they took Ani away from me. I'm incompetant. I have to wonder why they saddled Maul with me as well unless they wanted something like this to happen.

Maul's Personal Log:

I spoke with Master Yoda today. I told him of what had passed between myself and Obi-Wan. At first, I could barely force the words out. He hit my shin with his gimer stick.

"Control is the way of the Sith!" he declared. "Release is the way of the Jedi. Release your emotions you must. To the Force you must give them. Big enough to hold your emotions it is. Big enough to hold your emotions you are not."

This is the most difficult aspect of my training to master. I was taught to control my emotions. To hide them. To reveal them was to reveal weakness to my enemies.

My emotions, however, had ideas of their own. They demanded release. They achieved it whether I liked it or not.

I fell to my knees, threw back my head and howled with the pain serrating my heart. I opened myself to the Force. I felt the hopeless love, anguish and despair pouring out of me as I did. I felt the Force around me. Inside me. It was there, a constant comfort.

Obi-Wan was lost to me, but I was still strong in the Force. That would never change.

"Hear the song of the Dark do you?" Master Yoda asked me quietly when my outburst was over.

"No."

I understood why he asked. In my emotional state, I was vulnerable. If I grew angry, I was vulnerable.

"I love Obi-Wan," I said. "But I did not embrace the Light for him. I did it for myself. I will not turn back."

It was nothing more than the simple truth. I will never go back to my former way of life. It is repugnant to me now. A shame I will bear until my death. A stain on my soul. I have devoted the rest of my life to trying to atone for what I have done in service to the Darkness.

Master Yoda nodded as if my answer satisfied him. "What wish you to do now?"

I relaxed into a more comfortable kneeling position and bowed my head. "I do not know. I do not wish to return to the quarters I share with Obi-Wan. Beyond that..." I shrugged.

"Arrange for you new quarters, I will." He regarded me thoughtfully for a moment. "Good things about you Master Gaelyr says. Teach a class now you can. If ready you are."

"I am ready."

I am indeed ready. I wish to prepare as many Jedi as I can to combat the double-bladed lightsaber. They will need that knowledge. Teaching a class will be useful. It will also provide a focus to concentrate on other than this gnawing ache inside me.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I talked to Master Yoda today... He whacked me with his cane and told me I was an idiot.

rueful smile

I hate it when he's right.

I know I've been stupid when it came to handling Maul's transition from the Dark Side to the Light. I was supposed to help him, to guide him, and I ended up doing everything wrong. I insulted him, treated him like he's less than human and rejected him in every way possible.

I'm beginning to think maybe... maybe I was stupid in other ways as well.

I haven't seen Maul in days. All I know is that the day after I exploded at him, all of his things disappeared. Not that he has much. Even after spending months living with me, he hasn't managed to accumulate much.

grin

He says he doesn't need to because I collect enough stuff for both of us.

The grin slowly fades, and he grows somber again

Anyway, everything was gone. I thought maybe he'd left the Temple, but Master Yoda said he'd been assigned new quarters and new duties. He didn't leave the Temple, he just left me.

Maul's Personal Log:

I chose my time to collect my belongings carefully. I did not wish to encounter Obi-Wan. I cannot see him, even in my mind, without hearing the echo of his words: "Never say that to me."

He wants nothing to do with me. I have finally accepted that. I will create a life here separate from him. Perhaps one day, I will find someone who will not look upon my heart with loathing.

No.

If I breathe, I love him. That will not change.

Long pause. He draws in a deep breath before continuing

It did not take long to pack up my belongings. I took nothing but what was mine. Except for one thing.

I took one of Obi-Wan's undertunics. If I cannot have him, then let me at least have this little part of him. It carries his scent. When I gather it under my head at night, I breathe in deeply. It is an empty comfort, but it sends me pleasant dreams.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

Damn.

I hate coming home now. It's so... empty. It doesn't feel right anymore, and everywhere I look, I see Maul. I remember our quiet talks on the balcony... how we'd stay out there for hours, discussing everything and nothing...

I remember the times I used to try to drive him crazy by leaving stuff all over the common area. He was so blasted meticulous, and all I had to do was drop my robe on the floor or leave a bunch of datapads around, and then silently count the seconds before he couldn't stand it anymore and cleaned up after me.

Once he asked me why I didn't pick up after myself. "Why?" I said. "You do it for me."

He gave me one of those Looks, the kind that said there was a retort sitting on the end of his tongue and he was debating about whether to say it or not.

I wish he'd spoken up more often. I liked it when he challenged me. I guess he thought I'd get mad, and in the beginning, I would have, but later, I liked it. It was... fun.

I remember how pleasant it could be at times, and then I think about how pleasant it could have been if I'd just allowed him and myself to relax and enjoy each other's company instead of keeping him at a distance.

So many regrets. So many mistakes. Add them to the list, Kenobi. You did the same thing with your Master. What in the name of all the hells does it take for me to learn?

Maul's Personal Log:

I do not like coming home.

My new quarters are smaller. That is not the problem.

The problem is that they are empty. No evidence of another being's living presence. The walls and the furniture are all sterile and barren. Devoid of personality. There is no Kenobi clutter.

I admit his habit of carelessly scattering things around was annoying at times, but I would rather have that than the pervading silence of these empty rooms. I long for the nights we talked together. The times I felt he forgot I was supposed to be a monster and treated me as a man. As a friend.

There are times in the small, cold hours of the night when I am tempted to contact him. To beg him to allow me back into our quarters. Just to let me stay there with him. He would not have to speak to me or acknowledge my presence. Just let me be there. It would be enough.

But in the light of day, I know the truth. It would not be enough. I want him to accept me as I am. If he cannot do that, then I am better off alone.

Maul's Personal Log:

I have not seen Obi-Wan in weeks. I admit I harbored a faint hope that he would contact me. He has not. I no longer hope for contact from him.

Instead, I have concentrated on the lessons Master Yoda gives me and on the class I now teach. It meets every other day. There are several Masters and Knights who are learning how to fight with and against a double-bladed lightsaber. Master Yoda says there are now more who wish to learn. I am busy.

After class one night, a Knight named Jossen approached me. He said that he and some others were going to the dining hall for the evening meal. He invited me to join them. I was surprised and uncertain. No one had included me in such a way before. He assured me I was welcome. I went.

At first, some of his companions regarded me with suspicion. As they grew accustomed to my presence, this seemed to change. They began to include me in their conversation. They smiled and sounded genuinely pleased to see me when I approached.

I think I have made friends.

I have spoken most often with Jossen. Recently I confided in him about Obi-Wan.

"Well, you're both in pretty difficult situations," he said. "It's tough losing your Master like that--a real shock to the system--because most of the time, the bond is severed gently, not just cut off. Then there's the fact that he thinks you're the one responsible for that loss in the first place."

"Do you think I am?" I asked. For some reason, I wished to hear one person tell me that they do not think I am guilty.

"No, I don't," Joss stated. "I believe you, Maul. And if you ask me, I think Obi-Wan knows the truth. He's just not ready to admit it yet. Not to you or to himself."

"Why? Such willful blindness goes against everything he has been taught as a Jedi."

He shrugged and spread his hands. "You can learn all the lessons in the galaxy about peace and self-awareness, but there are always stumbling blocks. We create them ourselves, and it's up to us to recognize and overcome them. No one can be forced to do that before they're ready, and obviously, Obi-Wan isn't ready."

It is pleasant having someone to discuss such matters with. I had not realized how much I wanted to be able to speak of Obi-Wan until I was given the chance to do so. We also have discussions much like those I used to have with Obi-Wan. Joss is clever. He shares my interest in history.

I enjoy his company. But I am no more interested in him than he is in me. He prefers female companionship, and I... prefer Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I saw Maul for the first time in weeks... Just when I thought I'd gained control...

He draws in a deep breath and frowns slightly

I was tired of eating alone in our... my quarters, so I went to the dining hall, and he was there with a whole crowd of other people. Some of them I knew, others I didn't, but he was in the middle of the group, and I could see him sitting there, just listening as he did when we used to talk. He always looks straight at whoever's speaking, and it always made me feel that no matter what I was saying, no matter how stupid or trivial it might be, he was listening. At that moment, his attention was entirely focused on me.

But he's like that with everything. For someone whose affinity is with the Unifying Force, he's got the idea of how to live in the moment down well. He's not restless like me, looking ahead to see what's coming around the next corner. He's content to sit, do what he's doing and wait to see what happens next without rushing to meet it.

He pauses, grimacing

He didn't hesitate to rush to someone else, though! While I was watching, I saw the Knight sitting next to him put his arm around Maul's shoulders, then lean over and whisper something to him.

Sneer

How cozy.

I suppose I ought to be glad he's found someone else.

So why aren't I?

Maul's Personal Log:

Joss surprised me tonight. According to him, he also surprised Obi-Wan.

We had already established that our preferences are not compatible. Therefore I did not expect him to put his arm around me while we were at dinner and lean against me.

Before I could react, he whispered, "Obi-Wan is here, and he's been staring at you for the last five minutes. I thought I'd really give him something to look at."

He instructed me not to turn around no matter how much I wished to. I obeyed. I have shielded myself so tightly that I can no longer sense him as I once could. I was not aware he was in the room. Once I knew, it took a great amount of will power not to seek him out.

"If looks could kill," Joss said, brushing his lips against my ear as if in a lover's caress, "I'd be a stain on the floor right now."

"Oh?" I was surprised by this information. I did not expect Obi-Wan to have any reaction at all.

"He's seething." Joss was laughing quietly. "A little jealousy won't hurt him. Maybe he'll figure out what he's given up."

I had my doubts, but I said nothing. Joss told me that Obi-Wan had been watching me with the look of a starving man in sight of a banquet. I believe he is exaggerating the case. Even if Obi-Wan was jealous, I do not think it will be enough to cause him to change his mind about me. He has decided. I am nothing to him. I do not believe that will change.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I've been having that vision again, only it's a lot more vivid this time. Something is going on. I can sense it. I don't think Maul's the danger. I think he's in danger. I just wish I knew how and when--it's all so maddeningly vague! I can't get a clear picture, just this feeling of dread that keeps getting stronger, and I don't know what to do about it.

Maybe I should keep an eye on Maul just to be on the safe side.

Maul's Personal Log:

The premonitions have returned.

I thought the path to danger had been averted.

No. It is here. There will be a confrontation soon. I must prepare.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I've been watching over Maul for the last few days because those warnings have been getting stronger. Something--I don't know what--is happening around him. I sense a disturbance in the Force, and it centers on him, but I don't think he's the cause, just the one who's going to feel the effect. Beyond that...

He shrugs and spreads his hands

I don't know. It's all still vague, and I can't get a clear of sense of what to look for no matter how often or long I spend seeking answers in meditation.

So I've just been hovering, waiting and watching. I haven't let him know that, of course, but I've been there anyway just in case, and today the waiting ended. Maul left the Temple for the first time that I know of since his arrival

I followed of course, and he wound up in one of the older, more disreputable Districts. I wondered what he could possibly want in a shady area like this, but I kept my distance and just watched. In the space of about half an hour, he entered and exited two different buildings, and when he came out of the second one, he'd stripped himself of every feature that distinguished him as a Jedi.

He was wearing plain, dark civilian clothes, and he'd cut off both the ponytail and the length of hair that was supposed to have been his braid. I'd never braided it for him. He'd been waiting for me to all this time, but I'd refused, and now it was gone. He looked like any other resident of Coruscant, not like the Jedi in training he claimed to be.

At first I was suspicious. I thought maybe he was about to meet with a contact of his Master's for the purpose of sharing information. I was half right.

After that, he kept moving until he must have found what he wanted, which turned out to be an abandoned site where it appeared a building had once stood, but it was a pile of rubble now, the victim of fire, perhaps or maybe wilfull destruction considering the lawlessness of this particular District. The area was secluded--the nearest buildings surrounding it were abandoned as well except possibly for some derelicts. I thought maybe he'd chosen the place because there would be no witnesses, but later I realized he'd chosen it because there was little chance any bystanders would be hurt.

He lit two camp lanterns and sat down, and it looked to me as if he began to meditate, which surprised me. He'd come all this way for that? Then I felt it: a disturbance in the Force, this time tinged with Darkness. Impulsively, I reached out along the Force to see if the Darkness was coming from Maul, but I quickly realized he wasn't the source. It was outside of him, but coming for him, and he was calling it, letting whatever it was know where to find him.

A faint mechanical hum cut through the stillness of the night, and as I watched, a small, round, solid black probe droid sped around a corner, halting a safe distance from Maul and hovering in the air in front of him. He was seated with his back to me, so I couldn't see his expression, not that it probably would have done a lot of good anyway. He probably looked as neutral as always. I couldn't see him, but I could hear him address the probe: "Tell him I wait."

Who? I wondered. His Master?

I seethed with fury. This, I thought, was justification for every suspicion I'd had about him. He was finally proving his treachery without a doubt! All I had to do was witness the exchange, then report back to the Council that they'd been wrong, and I'd been right about this viper all along.

Fairly vibrating with self-righteous indignation, I waited and watched. It's a wonder he didn't sense me, but I was shielding against our bond tightly and trying to cloak my presence as best I could. I think that, plus his own preoccupation helped keep my presence a secret.

I don't know how long we waited there; time seemed to slow to a crawl, and it was all I could do not to pace, but Maul just sat there, patiently waiting. I thought it was because he felt he had nothing to fear from whatever was coming.

Finally a figure glided out of the shadows, black emerging from black, and as it moved into the dim circle of light cast by Maul's small lamps, I was barely able to keep from gasping aloud.

It was another Maul. Black-clad, horns, tattoos--it was Maul! But this one radiated evil that I could feel even at a distance; it poured out of him, surging to a red-hot spike when he looked down at my Maul, who was still sitting calmly, regarding this dark mirror of himself as if it were some fascinating new insect.

The Maul-thing circled him, glaring down at him, and I felt my stomach clench. I wanted to call out, to warn him, because I didn't trust that thing not to stab him in the back, but it didn't. Not this time, anyway.

"Traitor," it hissed.

Finally Maul stood up, rising in one fluid motion, and he nodded. "Yes."

"You betrayed our Master."

Gods, that voice--it was Maul's voice, but so very different at the same time. It was like listening to an evil mockery of that soothing voice I knew so well, the voice that had calmed me and teased me and annoyed me. I'd never heard such venomous hatred in Maul's voice, and it chilled me to hear that thing speak now.

Again Maul nodded, watching every move his double made. I could see he was alert, ready to spring into action, and I forced myself to sit still and not interfere. Obviously, this wasn't the kind of meeting I thought it was going to be.

"You will pay."

It wasn't a threat. It was a statement of intent. Maul, however, just shrugged.

"Perhaps," he said, sounding as unruffled as usual. "Perhaps not. If you live, you may tell your Master that I wish to be left alone."

The Maul-thing laughed--a horrible, mocking sound. "He will hound you until you are dead."

"He may try."

This was met with a derisive sneer, and the creature reached out and flicked its fingers against Maul's chest in a contemptuous gesture. "You had the galaxy in your grasp. What did you trade it for? A life among the common, ignorant herd?"

"I have no regrets," he replied.

"I thought to have found you among the Jedi. At least there your talents would not be wasted. Weakened, but not wasted."

I wish I could have seen his face when he answered, but his tone didn't change, didn't betray anything. "I have no interest in the Jedi."

He lied...I was momentarily stunned, wondering why he'd done that, and then it struck me: changing his appearance, lying about where he'd been...He was trying to protect the Temple. He had met the Sith creature well away from the Temple and had removed all trace of his affliation with us so that this thing couldn't attack him or anyone else there.

The creature spat at his feet. "You are a fool."

Suddenly it lunged, its lightsaber in its hand and ignited, and Maul was instantly in motion, whirling out of the path of the creature's blade even as he retrieved and ignited his own weapon, ready to defend himself.

To defend. Not attack.

It was eerie, watching them fight. They moved exactly alike, and if the Sith-creature hadn't looked like the old Maul, I don't know if I would have been able to tell them apart. They were well-matched, of course. Maul was fighting himself, after all--and while my brain had processed this information, I hadn't let myself think of all the implications of it yet--and so the creature knew how he attacked, how he defended. It would have been a stalemate, and I think they could have fought for hours, neither gaining the upper hand if...

If it hadn't been for the fact that Maul lacked the drive, the fire of determination that drove the creature on. His skills were as finely honed as ever, but there was no heart behind them to give him an edge. He fought as if he didn't care what the outcome was. If he won, he won. If he didn't...

Abruptly I remembered that fateful night between us, when he opened himself up to me and I'd scorned him, causing the hope I'd always seen in his eyes to shrivel and die. I wondered if that was what held him back. He had nothing to fight for except himself, and perhaps to him, that no longer mattered much.

Back and forth they went, and I struggled with myself, debating whether to intervene or not. Part of me wanted to rush to help defend Maul, but I held back, knowing him well enough to realize that this was a fight he would want to handle on his own. He was literally battling his past.

As I watched, the tide of the battle slowly turned, and suddenly the Sith creature kicked Maul, using the Force to add extra strength to the blow, and it sent Maul flying backwards into the remains of a wall. I heard a sickening THUD! on impact, and Maul fell to the ground, and the Sith creature moved towards him, intent on striking while his enemy was incapacitated.

Without hesitation, I leaped out of my hiding place, ready to defend Maul.

As I stood there, snarling silently at the Creature, I became aware of the tableau: me standing over Maul with my lightsaber ignited; Maul at my feet, unmoving; the Sith Creature stalking, ready to attack.

My vision had come true.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

The Sith-creature appeared momentarily surprised to be met by an unexpected challenger, but it recovered quickly and attacked. I steered the creature away from Maul, who was finally beginning to stir, pushing himself upright again. I assumed he'd just gotten the wind knocked out of him and would jump back into the fray, and sure enough, he did. He'd dropped his lightsaber when he hit the wall, but he retrieved it and ran to my side.

The Creature ignited the other end of his lightsaber, and I grew chilled again, remembering the last time I'd encountered such a weapon. Memories crowded my mind, but I pushed them aside, concentrating on the moment, on the fight at hand. I wished that I'd practiced combating this weapon with Maul as well, but I hadn't. The thought of doing so had been too painful. But I'd been here before. And I wasn't alone.

Together, we went after the Sith-monster. We drove it back, and it was having a much more difficult time warding us both off, because I was eager to overcome it, and Maul seemed to be fighting with more of his usual fierce determination. Finally, it broke and darted into the nearest building, probably in hopes of finding a way to surprise us... or to separate us. No... I couldn't let that happen again... Not again...

Maul headed in after it, but I stopped at the entrance, and when he realized I wasn't with him, he stopped and looked back.

Don't leave me.

Never.

And then we were on its trail again, opening our senses to the Force as we edged warily along the abandoned halls, trying to detect its presence before it could initiate a sneak attack. Maul was slightly ahead of me, and I felt a warning ripple, grabbed his shirt and yanked him backward just as the creature sprang out at him as we left the close quarters of the hallway and entered a dilapidated room. I wasn't quick enough, though, because the tip of the Sith's lightsaber slashed him across his stomach, and I smelled burned cloth and flesh, the familiar stench pulling me even further into memory.

Maul doubled over, and the Sith moved past him, seeming intent on me for the moment. It stalked me, and for an instant, I could see Maul's sinewy moves in the creature's gait. It possessed all of his grace, but none of his sensuality; his skills, but none of his talent; his intensity, but none of his determined spirit. It was a watered-down version of the Maul I knew. The attributes that make him what he is were absent from this dark copy.

I burned with the desire to kill this creature as I had the one on Naboo, and I had no intention of letting history repeat itself. I had failed my Master. I would not fail Maul.

I danced backwards, taunting it, daring it to attack me, and behind it, I could see Maul closing in. Either his wound was shallow, or he was mustering his strength to finish the creature off, and with him, I knew either possibility was likely.

I kept on evading it until with a roar of outrage and frustration, it lunged, I ducked and thrust my 'saber forward with both hands, impaling it just as Maul struck from behind, decapitating it.

The body wavered, then toppled over. I stared at it, panting, feeling sweat rolling down my face, the battle-rush slowly evaporating. My blood was still pounding, and I could scarcely comprehend what had happened. I was in shock, still reeling from all the revelations and unexpected occurances of the night, and all I could do was stand there, gaping at the lifeless corpse of the Sith we'd killed together.

On the other side of the body, Maul deactivated his lightsaber and gave me one of those damnably calm looks of his.

"I hope," he said, his voice as quiet and level as usual, "this means you will believe me now when I say you killed a clone on Naboo."

Maul's Personal Log:

I dislike Healers.

The wound I received was superficial. The clone's lightsaber did not cut deep. I have sustained far worse in the past, yet the Healers insist that I must lie in bed for at least two days. They have allowed me to return to my quarters. If I do not stay still, they will order me back to Med and immerse me in a bacta tank.

He scowls and releases a grumbling sigh

I must correct myself. I have not returned to my quarters. I have returned to Obi-Wan's quarters. The Healers do not trust me to remain alone. Obi-Wan volunteered to watch over me while I recuperate. Why he did this, I still do not understand.

He has been acting strangely since the confrontation with the clone. When we returned to the Temple, I wished to report to the Council immediately. Obi-Wan insisted that I needed to go to the Healers. We argued.

Master Yoda appeared. He said that anyone well enough to argue was well enough to report. We went to the Council. I could feel Obi-Wan's irritation. Laced with concern. I still do not understand this. I do not understand why I could sense anything from him when we had both been closed off to one another for weeks. I had not deliberately dropped my shields.

The Council wished to know how I knew the clone was on Coruscant. I explained that I had received warnings. I did not know where the clone was, but I could sense its presence once it arrived. It was, after all, a part of me, which made the connection stronger. It was simply a matter of eliminating any connection between myself and the Temple and going to meet it.

"Why did you hide your association with the Temple?" A council member demanded.

"In order that you will have longer to prepare to defend against Sideous," I replied. "If he knew of my presence here, the Jedi and the Temple itself would be made targets of direct attack sooner."

Obi-Wan surprised me by revealing he had received warnings as well in the form of a vision that had haunted him. It came true during the battle, he said.

The sent a steady barrage of questions: did I know about this clone when I left my former Master? were there others? would I be able to detect them as well?

My former Master did not reveal his plans to me. The only information he trusted me with was the bare minimum needed for me to perform my duties. That was all. I do not know what his cloning capabilities are or how extensively he has created these creatures. Eventually, they seemed satisfied that I had told them all I know, and I was released to go to the Healers.

Obi-Wan insisted on accompanying me.

"I do not require assistance," I told him.

This was our first meeting since... that night. I had no wish to remain in his presence any longer than necessary. I had humiliated myself. He had made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with me. There was nothing more between us. Or so I thought. He appeared to have other ideas.

"Maul, you've been thrown into a wall and hit with a lightsaber," he reminded me, as if I were not painfully aware of the wounds myself. "I want to make sure you make it there safely."

"Why do you care if I do or not?" The words were out before I could hold them back. I regretted them. They revealed more than I wished him to know.

He looked at me as if I had struck him. He did not answer.

We walked in silence to the Med level. Once there, the Healers took over, and I did not see him again until my injuries had been attended to.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

The Healers said Maul could go home as long as he stayed still for a couple of days and didn't push himself too much. I knew that was like asking the sun not to rise, so I volunteered to take care of him until he was fully recovered. That sounds like I'm being altruistic, but I'm not. If the only way to get him back in our quarters where he belongs is to manipulate him into it, I'm not above doing that.

I've realized something. What amazes me now is that it took me so long to figure it out, but now that I have, I'm going to take action. I've got him home now, and as soon as he's up to it, we're going to have a nice long talk.

Right now, I'm not sure what the hardest part is going to be: getting through the barriers he's put between us because of my own stupidity, or making him behave long enough to heal!

We've done little else but argue since the battle. First, he wanted to report to the Council instead of going to the Healers, and he wouldn't let me check the 'saber wound to see how deep it was. I reached out to lift his shirt and take a look, and he backed away skittishly, shielding his stomach from me, and I wondered if he actually thought I'd do something to hurt him even more.

His next words are spoken softly, laden with regret

I wouldn't do that. Maybe once, when he first arrived and I hated him, but now... things are different. Only I've done so much, I don't know if he'll ever be able to trust me again.

But he's here, and that's a start. He doesn't want to be here, but he's got no choice. It's this or the bacta tank.

Pauses thoughtfully

Maul's stubborn. If he really didn't want to be here, he would've told the Healers to throw him in the tank and have done with it. Maybe... just maybe there's a part of him deep down inside that wants to be back home with me, and he's willing to cling to any excuse too.

Anyway, once we got back here, he headed straight for his old room, and I stopped him.

"Where do you think you're going?" I asked, bracing my hands on my hips as I glared at him. I was determined to act with some distance, because I think anything else would unsettle him too much now. There's no need to rush.

He looked at me blankly. "To bed, as the Healers instructed."

"Not in there, you're not," I told him, then pointed to my room. "In there."

There was a long pause, and I wished, not for the first time, that he wasn't so good at hiding his reactions. I couldn't read his face and tell what he was thinking. Even his eyes were shuttered.

"I do not see a need to switch rooms," he said at last.

"We're not switching," I replied. "We're sharing."

There was another really long pause.

"Why?" he asked cautiously.

I gave him my best bland look. "I'm supposed to keep an eye on you. How can I do that at night if you're in another room?"

I forced myself to keep breathing steadily, knowing this was a turning point, and his answer would tell me a lot about how much hope I could have for how things would turn out. This time, the silence spun out until I felt like I was going to scream if he didn't say something, and finally he nodded warily.

"As you wish."

I could barely keep from grinning. Whether he realized it or not, he'd just given me the answer not only to sharing a room and a bed but to the possibility of sharing a life as well.

Maul's Personal Log:

I have to leave. Now. I do not know how much more of Obi-Wan's solicitude I can stand.

First, he insisted that I share his room. Then he insisted on seeing me comfortably settled in his bed.

It has been little short of torture.

He would not even let me undress alone. I allowed him to help remove my boots and pull off my shirt, but when he touched the dressing swathed around my waist with something akin to gentleness before reaching for the fastenings of my trousers, I caught his hands.

"No. Out."

It was not a request. He frowned and appeared to be on the verge of arguing. I shook my head and pointed to the door.

"I am not helpless."

He backed away and shrugged as if it did not matter, but before he turned to leave, I thought I saw amusement sparkling in his eyes.

I borrowed a pair of his sleep pants until my own belongings are brough here. Now I am in his bed. Wearing his clothes. Breathing in his scent. He surrounds me, and I find the defenses I erected against him are dissolving like mist in sunlight.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

Last night, I considered sleeping in Maul's old room to give him some space and time to adjust, but then I thought there was no sense in wasting time or an opportunity, so I joined him anyway.

He was reading when I walked in, but he quickly doused his light and turned away as if he was eager to go to sleep. I undressed and slipped into bed only to find him lying on his side as close to the edge of the bed as he could possibly get without falling off.

Sigh

In the darkness, I reached out and touched his back and felt him tense immediately.

"Good night, Maul," I said softly. "If you need anything, wake me."

He didn't answer, and I curled up on my side, facing him, resisting the desire to get closer. He wasn't ready, and I can be patient when I need to be.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

Maul's been withdrawn since he's been here, watching me and not saying anything without thinking it over carefully first like he doesn't want to risk saying too much or the wrong thing. That's not to say he won't argue with me, of course! I've had a difficult time getting him to rest today. He complained that he's fully capable of teaching his class because it doesn't require him to spar with anyone. All he has to do is oversee them while they practice.

"No," I told him firmly. "It won't hurt to cancel the next few classes until you're fully recovered."

"But--"

"If you go, I know exactly what will happen," I said, cutting off his protests. "You'll see someone who needs help with a move, and you'll either show them what to do or you'll start working with them yourself. Either way, it'll be a strain, and you don't need to do that. Just rest and let the bacta do its job."

He folded his arms across his chest and plopped back against his pillow; if I didn't know better, I'd swear he was pouting.

"I suppose you expect me to sit in here all day, surrounded by your slovenliness and not do anything about that either," he said at last, and I covered my mouth with my hand to hide a grin.

If he was complaining about my untidy room, he was definitely feeling better.

"No, you may come into the common area with me as long as you don't exert yourself," I said magnanimously.

He didn't waste any time getting out of bed and dressing in a loose tunic and pants borrowed from me. His clothes--and unbeknownst to him, all his other belongings as well--had been brought over earlier, but he didn't have anything suitable for just lounging around in.

The morning was quiet enough, other than me having to stop him from getting up and down repeatedly. He kept trying to do things for himself, and I kept ordering him to be still or I'd report him to the Healers. He managed to sit still for an entire half-an-hour, and then he got up again.

"Maul!" I barked, storming out of the kitchen area where I was trying to put together a mid-day meal for us. "What have I been saying all morning? If you need something, tell me, and I'll do it for you!"

He drew himself up straight and gave me a long, steady look. "I am going to the bathing room. This is not a task you can perform for me."

"Oh." I smiled and shook my head, amused at his self-contained dignity. "Go ahead, then."

"Thank you for your permission."

It was the closest thing to normal interaction we'd had since his return, and it gave me hope.

That afternoon, however, was different. Instead of a quiet, restful time, a steady stream of visitors dropped by--all to see Maul. Knights and Padawans from the class he taught came by to visit with him and make sure he was all right. They were genuinely concerned, and they treated him with friendly warmth.

Especially that Jossen person.

glare

When he walked in, Maul smiled. He actually smiled! He was happy to see this person, and he showed it! I remembered that cozy little scene in the dining hall, and I wondered just how close they'd gotten. A lot closer than Maul and I had ever been, I could tell that much.

With Jossen, Maul seemed at ease, and he talked freely. There were no guarded looks or carefully chosen words, and he seemed more animated. Probably because Jossen was just as relaxed with him. They looked comfortable with each other, and I watched their interaction with growing envy.

But if people, including Maul, treated me with careful distance now, it was my own fault. I'd woven shields around myself and hidden behind them, too afraid to risk reaching out because I didn't want to be hurt again. I'd once been able to laugh and talk like that. I'd once been happy and care-free. But that part of me died on Naboo--or so I thought. Maybe it was just dormant, waiting for me to breathe life into it again.

The ironic thing is that Maul's got more companionship than I do. If his guests were any indication, he's actually made friends. For some reason, that surprised me. I guess I thought he'd spent our time apart lonely and languishing away for me, but I got conclusive proof he'd done nothing of the kind. He'd moved on with his life after I'd tossed him out of mine.

rueful smile

It was a wake-up call for my ego for certain.

There are probably still those who still see him as an ex-Sith, but it seems like a lot of the people he's been in close contact with have grown to like and trust him.

Except me. I was living with him, bonded to him, and I refused to see what was right there in front of my face.

Well, that's over. I may have almost let history repeat itself once, but it won't happen again. It's clear now that he doesn't need me, but that doesn't mean he won't ever want me again. I've been given a second chance, and I won't mess it up. I'm going to give him a day or two to rest, and then we're going to talk. He's not up to it yet, though. I tried to initiate a conversation tonight, but I could look at him and see he was tired.

No surprise, really, considering all the company he'd had, so I gave up and encouraged him to go to bed. He didn't argue, which told me everything I needed to know about how weary he must have been.

When I went to bed myself a while later, he was lying on his back, already deeply asleep; I knew he wasn't faking it to avoid me because when I touched his arm, he didn't flinch or tense up, and I could see the lines of fatigue on his face had smoothed out. Even in sleep, his face was somber, but softer somehow, and the wariness was gone.

I crawled under the covers and lay on my side, facing him, just watching him and wishing I could do something to erase that guarded look when he was awake. With a quiet sigh, I settled in to go to sleep myself, ignoring the longing to curl up next to him--and then I thought, why not? I could always claim it just happened while we both slept if he complained.

Scooting closer, I positioned myself so that I could rest my head on his pillow and lean my cheek against his shoulder, and I draped my arm across his chest well above the wrappings around his stomach. Just this little contact even though it was stolen and unreciprocated made me relax, and it wasn't long before I was asleep, too.

Maul's Personal Log:

Ever since we confronted the clone, Obi-Wan has been behaving differently. I still do not have an explanation for it. Every night I go to sleep, resolving that I will return to my own quarters. Every night, I am certain tomorrow will be the day he asks me to leave.

Every morning, I wake up in his arms. I have stretched my recuperation time to a week now. At first, we remained on separate sides of the bed. Then one morning, I woke to find him next to me, his arm draped across me. The next, he was pressed against me from behind. The next...

He breaks off and shifts uncomfortably, a light flush rising in his face

We have become increasingly tangled.

During the day, he is pleasant. I sense none of the anger or resentment from him that I used to. If I did not think it entirely impossible, I would say he is even flirtatious, but it is my belief that he is simply attempting to make amends for the past. I must admit... I am enjoying his new manner. I cannot bring myself to leave. I will remain until he asks me to go.

I have no doubt that request will come any day.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

Well, the subtle approach hasn't worked, so I guess it's time to be more direct. I've tried being open and friendly to show Maul that things are different now, but he's still treating me with the same polite distance. I'm on the outside, peering over his walls, and he's not showing any signs of letting me in.

Not even practically crawling on top of him at night is working.

wicked smile

I'm enjoying it, though.

This morning, I woke up before he did, and I had time to savor the position we were in, which was facing each other with our arms around each other, and I'd managed to get my knee between his legs. Careful not to wake him, I slid closer and eased his thigh over my hip so that we were in full contact, then I buried my face against his neck, nuzzling his warm skin with my lips. If it had woken him, I would've said I'd been dreaming, but he only sighed and nestled his cheek against my hair in slow, sleepy motions as if he really was caught up in a dream.

I tightened my arms around him and held him as close as possible while I could. As soon as he woke, I knew he would pull away from me quickly, refusing to meet my gaze as if the very idea of being so close to me, even in sleep, was distasteful. But despite his aloofness during the day, the way he reaches out to me at night gives me hope that eventually I'll be able to earn his trust again.

Maul's Personal Log:

This afternoon, the moment I have awaited arrived.

Joss invited me to walk in the meditation garden with him. "You need to get out of these quarters for a while," he announced.

Obi-Wan frowned, as if the idea displeased him. "Just be careful and don't tire yourself out," he warned.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of him," Joss replied, winking at me to let me know he was deliberately irritating Obi-Wan.

It appeared to work. That is another reason why I am distrustful of his motives. He believes Joss is a rival. I do not know if his sudden attention to me stems from genuine emotion or from jealousy. If jealousy is the reason, he will lose interest again once he thinks Joss is no longer a threat.

Obi-Wan stopped me before I could leave, pulling me aside. I waited for him to speak, but he said nothing at first. Instead he put his hand on my cheek and brushed his thumb across my mouth, then ran it gently beneath my lower lip. A simple caress, but it caused an answering flare inside me. I wish he did not have the power to affect me in such a way. But he does. He always will.

"There are things we need to discuss, you and I," he said for my ears alone. "Tonight. It's time, so don't overdo it."

I nodded, but said nothing. I could not. My throat had closed up. His words were the deathknell of my time with him. I had no doubt the discussion he wished to have would center around dismissing me from his life again.

Even if it is not...

I love him. My trust, however, has been shaken. He has seemed receptive once before, but when I revealed the truth of my heart, he rejected it. I cannot trust that he will not do so again. I must be careful of showing him too much this time.

I love him. But my life is my own, and I can live it without him. I do not need him. I have a purpose. I have companions. That will suffice.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

I decided that it was time for Maul and I to discuss our future. I knew I had some explaining to do, and I was ready to let him know how much things had changed. He'd gone off with that Jossen person again, but when he returned, I was waiting for him. As soon as he walked in and saw me, his expression changed from one of relaxed contentment to one of guarded wariness.

Sighing, I gestured for him to join me on the couch, but he shook his head and remained standing. He looked resigned, as if he was about to face a dressing-down from the Council and was determined to bear it stoically. I shrugged and stood up, grasping his arm and leading him out to the balcony where we'd had some of our most enjoyable talks. I hoped that the atmosphere would help him relax a little.

"I have something I've been wanting to tell you," I said, not bothering to dance around the issue.

Maul's lips thinned into a grim line, and he squared his shoulders. "I can leave tonight if you wish."

"What?" I stared at him, surprised that he'd made the assumption I was kicking him out... but then again, I supposed I shouldn't have been. All he'd known at my hands was rejection. Why should he expect anything else now? "No, that's not it. I don't want you to leave."

He lifted his eyebrows, but said nothing.

"I don't want you to leave," I repeated. "Ever."

"What exactly do you mean?" he asked, his dark blue eyes trained on me, watching my every move and expression intently.

"I mean," I said, choosing my words carefully, "I want you to stay here permanently. Will you?" I stood close to him and gently touched his cheek.

He remained silent and still for a while, then he caught my wrist and removed my hand. "Why?" The question came out harsh, unlike his usual smooth, low tone. "Why do you want me to stay here? Why are you acting like this now?"

"The confrontation made me realize a lot of things," I stated bluntly. "Yes, I know you're not the one who killed my Master, but at this point, even if you were, I wouldn't care. You're not that man anymore. You've changed your life and yourself so completely, and I've seen for myself you've become an honorable man. You are a Jedi Knight, Maul. Your life exemplifies the Light now, even more than mine at times."

I smiled ruefully. "You've attained the peace that's eluded me for too long. You don't need me to teach you anything. You've learned it all by yourself the hard way. If anything, I should learn from you."

"Obi-Wan..." He stared down at the floor, but I grasped his chin and made him look at me again.

"It's true," I insisted. "I don't see you as a former Sith anymore. I don't blame you for what happened on Naboo or for everything I went through afterwards. Instead of releasing my anger and pain, I clung to it and I chose to believe it was your fault when I was the one to blame for hurting myself so long."

Doubt still lingered in his eyes, and I wanted nothing more than to erase it.

"I want a second chance, Maul," I told him softly. "Will you give it to me?"

I saw a flicker of emotion cross his face, but it was quickly repressed, and he remained impassive, not pulling away from me, but not drawing any nearer either.

"Why?"

A sick knot of dread tightened in my stomach, and I was certain I was fighting a losing battle. Maybe I'd finally come to trust him only when he'd already lost his in me for good.

"Because I loved..." I drew in a deep breath. This was the most difficult thing I'd ever had to say, but I knew I had to. If I wasn't honest with myself and with him now, then I would lose him. I'd hidden the truth for too long. "Because I loved Qui-Gon, and I never told him, and I don't want to make that mistake with you too."

For a moment, Maul just stared at me, and I think if he hadn't possessed such strong self-control, his jaw would have dropped.

"I thought you were lovers," he said, almost more to himself than to me.

"No." I shook my head. "I was afraid to tell him how I felt. I thought he'd say I was too young, or that he wasn't interested in me. I never took the chance that he might say he loved me too, and so..." I trailed off, feeling my throat going tight. "He died, and I had to live with everything I never said. I've been a fool twice over, and history almost repeated itself. I could have lost you, too, and if I had, I would have had even more regrets to bear."

"What regrets?" he asked quietly.

I was standing close enough that I could feel his heat, the energy of his living aura surrounding him, but I wasn't touching him, wasn't embracing him. Not yet. He was relaxing, not holding himself so rigidly away from me, and I could feel and hear his breathing begin to quicken.

"That I'd misjudged you for so long because of my own blindness." I leaned closer, nearly whispering the words against his ear. "That I'd allowed my fear of loss and rejection to control me. That I'd never told you how I felt. That we'd never made love."

He drew in a sharp breath then, and suddenly I felt his hands at my waist, resting there lightly.

"How do you feel?"

I cradled his cheek in my palm again, and this time, he leaned into my touch rather than pushing me away. "I realize now that what I felt for Qui-Gon was a love that would not--could not have lasted. He was everything to me: master, father, object of desire. But I would have been his apprentice first and his lover second. That we were first and foremost master and padawan would have shaded our relationship. Neither of us would have truly been able to see each other as equals because we had not begun that way."

Caressing him with my thumb, I closed the distance between us and kissed him lightly, barely touching my lips to his. "We meet as equals," I told him. "And I love you not as a mentor or father-figure as I loved him, but as the companion of my soul."

"Obi-Wan..." It was a groan, a plea.

"You promised me," I murmured, then nipped gently at his lower lip. "You promised you'd never leave me."

"No, I will not." His voice was husky with emotion or passion or maybe both. "Never. I will love you through this life and beyond."

"Then stay with me."

"Yes."

I reached down and clasped his hand, and he laced his fingers with mine. Together we walked to our bedroom to share it as lovers for the first time.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's Personal Log:

Once we were in our room, we stopped by the bed, and we both hesitated. I don't know what the source of Maul's reticence was, but I was conflicted. Part of me wanted to wanted to go slowly and savor our first time together; I figured with the kind of life he'd led, he probably had very little sexual experience if any at all, so I wanted to make it good for him and special for us. That meant taking the time to touch and explore, and I especially wanted to see if I could break through his aloof mask and drive him out of his mind with desire. I wanted him to lose control in my arms, to know that he loved and desired and trusted me enough to let go like that.

The other part of me was a quivering mass of frustration and lust, and it wanted to tear his clothes off, throw him on the bed and get underway right then.

I reached a compromise with myself: I decided to start off slow and see how Maul reacted and what he wanted. If he showed me he wanted to pick up the pace, then I'd happily oblige.

That decision made, I diverted myself only to retrieve the tube of lubricant I'd put in the drawer of the table next to our bed, the result of optimistic thinking. Then I slipped my hands beneath the loose shirt he wore, initiating the next stage because he still hadn't moved. He was watching me intently, yes, but he wasn't doing anything, which struck me as unusual. In the past, he hadn't hesitated to respond, and often he'd been the one to reach out to me. I remembered very clearly that day in the practice room when he'd pulled me against him, not quite holding me, but offering what comfort he knew I'd accept from him at that point. Then there were the times when he'd made excuses to touch me...

He hadn't been shy then, and I wondered what was holding him back now. Nerves, perhaps. If this was his first time, maybe he was concerned about what to expect or what to do. Whatever the reason, I was determined to dispel it for good. There wasn't any need for him to hold back from me, not now, and by the time this night was over, he would know it.

I stepped closer, and I slid my hands up his back, spreading my fingers wide so I could feel every possible inch of warm, silken skin and pushing the shirt up along the way. He obligingly raised his arms so I could pull his shirt up and off, which I did, then I let it drop to the floor. I saw the look on his face, the slight shake of his head when I did that, and I grinned.

"You can fold it up neatly later," I said.

"By then, it will be too wrinkled to salvage," he retorted.

Cupping his face between my hands, I kissed him, running my tongue along his lower lip before sucking on it gently, then easing my tongue between his lips, tasting and exploring his mouth thoroughly before releasing him again.

"Do you really care?" I murmured against his lips, tracing them with the tip of my tongue again.

"No."

"Good." I slid my hands down his body to rest at the small of his back, pulling him against me and kissing him again; this time, he tentatively responded, putting his arms around me at last and letting his tongue meet and mate with mine. As I left a trail of nipping, sucking kisses down his neck, he tilted his head back, baring his throat to me, and I felt his hands move down to grasp my hips and pull me tighter against him.

But no matter how much he arched, no matter how tightly his fingers grasped me in response to my seduction, he didn't return my caresses, and he didn't try to undress me. Finally, I stepped back, wanting the layers of clothing still between us gone. I wanted to feel his bare skin against mine, and so I removed my boots, my belt and peeled off my tunics and trousers myself.

He looked at me, a slow, searching gaze that I could almost feel like a touch. His eyes darkened, but he didn't otherwise react, and I barely suppressed a frustrated sigh. I trailed my fingers down his chest to his stomach, then I nudged him gently.

"Sit down," I instructed. "I'll take off your boots."

He complied, and I knelt at his feet and pulled off his boots. He stood up again, but I remained kneeling, curling my fingers around his ankles. Leaning my cheek against his leg, I massaged his calves through the thin fabric of his trousers, taking the time to enjoy the feel of his training-hardened muscles. Slowly I made my way up his legs, and by the time I slid my hands up to knead his inner thighs, he was clutching my shoulders for support.

I unfastened his trousers, pushed them down a little and nuzzled the soft skin at the joining of hip and thigh. "Tell me what you want." I tipped my head back and looked up at him, waiting for an answer.

He reached down and touched my face, skimming over my features lightly. "You."

Quickly, I helped him out of his trousers and eased us both down onto the bed, covering him; he moved his legs apart so I could lie between them, and I thrust slowly against him, drawing a low moan from deep in his throat as if he didn't want to react even that much but he couldn't keep quiet any longer. I kissed and licked and nibbled my way down his chest, caressing him, teasing his nipples--anything to coax a response from him. He arched and writhed beneath my hands, and I could feel the tension in every line of his body, but other than that one moan of pleasure, he was silent.

But the more I touched him, the more my own passion built; he was a glorious feast for my eyes and hands, and I desired him more than I had ever desired anyone before in my life.

"Gods..." I whispered, not trusting my voice at anything above that level. "Maul, I want you... I want to be inside you...Is that all right? I don't want to hurt you."

He looked up at me solemnly, and there was something in his voice that got my attention when he spoke. "You will not hurt me."

I blinked, startled, and pulled back so I could see his face clearly. "I thought... I assumed you hadn't ever..."

He averted his gaze, but not before I caught a flash of shame in those dark blue eyes. Realization broke over me like a cold wave, and I just stared at him, stunned into silence.

"Sideous." It wasn't a question, it was a confirmation, but he nodded anyway, turning his head to avoid looking at me.

I was sickened, feeling an icy fist clench in my gut, not because of him but on his behalf. Out of all the horrors he'd suffered at Sideous' hands, I'd never dreamed that was part of the list as well. I couldn't imagine any Master here taking advantage of his or her Padawan that way. Love was freely given between both parties here, it wasn't taken or demanded. It was just another example of the cruel, twisted mirror images of my way of life and Maul's.

"You are disgusted." His voice was oddly flat and lifeless, and he still refused to look at me.

"Yes." I touched his cheek, urging him to turn to me again, which he did with great reluctance. "But not by you. By him." I brushed a gentle kiss across his lips, then rested my forehead against his, feeling an inexplicable desire to gather him up in my arms and just hold him.

"Do you still want me?" The words were soft, barely audible.

"More than ever." I raised my head so I could look him in the eyes and let him see how much I meant what I was saying. "I want to make you mine. Not by force or coersion or strength. By love."

"I want that too."

For the first time, he took the initiative, summoning the lubricant on the table to his hand and opening the tube; he poured a small amount into his palm, then reached between my legs to caress me, coating my shaft and preparing me. I groaned as he closed his fingers around me and slid his hand up and down slowly, stroking his thumb firmly along the underside until I couldn't keep myself from moving with him.

He seemed to take that as a sign and released me, pushing me off of him so he could roll over onto his stomach, and I let him, panting with the need to be inside him, to claim him as mine and begin easing all the horrible memories from his past. He raised himself up on his knees and elbows, and I wasted no time positioning myself behind him, letting my hands roam over his back, caressing him soothingly until I felt him begin to relax again. Grasping his hip with one hand, I guided myself forward, murmuring softly to him--nonsense words of love and assurance--then began easing into him slowly.

I heard him give a low hiss, and I stopped. "Are you all right?"

"Yes." His voice was a raspy growl. "I want this."

As if to prove his words were true, he pushed back against me, sending me deeper, and I cried out, lost in the feel of him, hot and tight around me. Nearly mindless, I thrust deep, burying myself completely inside him, and he tangled his fingers in the bedclothes, his fists shaking.

"Are you--?"

"Do not stop."

I set a steady rhythm, pulling almost all the way out, then pushing in deep; reaching around him, I closed my hand around his shaft, stroking in rhythm with our movement, and I felt him begin to tremble, but he made no sound. I was probably groaning enough for both of us, drowning in the sher joy of joining with him at last. I thrust faster--harder--the tension coiling tighter and tighter within me until suddenly I felt his hips jerk beneath me, felt his seed spill over my hand, and his orgasm triggered my own. I cried out, thrusting hard once--twice--shuddering in the aftermath of explosive pleasure.

Maul broke the contact between us first, easing away from me slowly; I let him go, rolling over and collapsing next to him, expecting to be able to wrap my arms around him and hold him now. Instead, he moved over in the bed, putting enough distance between us to let me know that cuddling wasn't being encouraged.

I frowned as I stared at him, wondering why he was still holding back. After what we'd just shared, I didn't understand why he felt the need. My mind replayed our love-making, and my frown deepened. I'd enjoyed it, and I was reasonably sure he had too, but there had been something missing. He'd been passive the entire time, which wasn't like him, and he hadn't responded except when he seemed unable to keep from it.

"I'm going to clean up a little," I said, reaching out to touch his shoulder as I crawled out of bed.

He didn't react one way or another, just nodded, and I retreated to the bathing room not only to clean up but also to clear my head and think for a moment. When I got back to the bedroom, I was no closer to having an answer than I was before, but he gave me a few more minutes to think because he excused himself then and left me alone.

I sprawled on the bed and released a quiet, frustrated groan. All I wanted was for things to be normal between us, but I didn't know how to make that happen. When he returned, I sat up and looked at him, determined to have this out and settle the matter between us once and for all.

"Maul... we need to talk," I said, ready to talk all night if we needed to in order to set things straight between us.

Maul froze in mid-step, then his face went totally blank just like it did the night I lashed out at him. Bending over, he grabbed his clothes and started pulling them on, and I stared at him, wondering what had brought all that on.

"What are you doing?" I asked, but he didn't stop. He'd already gotten back into his trousers and was gathering up everything else, clutching the clothes to his chest like a shield. "Why are you getting dressed?"

Finally he stopped and looked at me, and beneath the icy mask, I could see his eyes were bleak.

"I know what you are going to say. This was a mistake. You regret it. You want me to go away so we can both forget it ever happened."

There was so much pain lacing his voice that I felt my throat close up, and it took a moment before I could force words out again.

"Come here." I held out one hand to him as an invitation. "Sit down and listen."

Reluctantly, he perched on the very edge of the bed, keeping his back to me and his head bowed. He was braced for the blow he expected me to deliver, and I felt like the lowest form of scum in existance. I scooted over, wrapped my arms around his shoulders and wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him back against my chest whether he wanted me to or not.

"That's not what I was going to say," I told him, nuzzling the back of his neck to silently reassure him, and I could feel him trying to repress a shiver. "Just the opposite, in fact. I could feel you holding back from me, and I don't like it, but now I know why you were."

I ran my hands down his arms, caressing the muscles that lay like steel just beneath his skin, and I kissed his shoulder, then nipped playfully at his earlobe, hoping to reassure him that he wasn't about to be tossed out--not from our bed, our quarters or my life.

"Every time we have been intimate in any way, you have rejected me," he said softly, so softly that I barely caught the words.

"Every time? But there's only been two..." I trailed off, realisation breaking over me like a wave. "That night I got drunk... That wasn't a dream, that was you!"

He nodded. "You called out Qui-Gon's name."

"Oh, gods, Maul..." I rested my forehead on his back and just held him for a moment, drinking in the warm of his skin. "I'm sorry. I've hurt you so much, and the only excuse for it is that I was hurting too. But I want to start over. I want you to give me a chance to earn your trust again."

He was silent, and that worried me. I lifted my head and tried to look at him, but he averted his face.

"Do you love me?" I asked.

"Yes." It was the barest of whispers, and I knew what it must have cost him to say it.

"Do you believe I love you?" I asked, knowing this answer was even more important than the first.

"I... do not know."

"Then let me show you."

Rubbing my cheek on his shoulder, I relaxed against him and dropped my mental shields, reaching out along our bond to touch him and show him the path was open. I felt his shields raised tightly against me, and I explored them, probing, seeking an entrance somewhere, and then finally he lowered them just enough to sense me on a very surface level. I could feel his reluctance, so I went slowly, not pushing, just reaching out and offering him the chance to touch me through our bond. Hesitantly, he did, and I wound comforting tendrils around him, opening myself to him more, letting him see the love I felt for him, that I'd kept hidden for so long.

He probed deeper, and I let him, welcoming him into my mind, letting him see whatever he needed to see in order to be reassured that my feelings and desires were genuine. I felt his initial bewilderment, felt it dissolve into amazement and quiet joy.

Then I felt him lower his own shields.

Eagerly I reached out, winding my way along our bond, and as soon as I touched his mind, I was stunned by what I saw: pure, blindingly bright love. For the Force, for life, for me. I felt consumed by the brilliance of it, and tears stung my eyes as I realized what a gift I'd been offered and how long I'd refused it.

And there, flaring up bright and strong once more--hope. The same hope that had sustained him through escaping his Master, healing himself, begging Sanctuary from the Council, through my dogged refusal to see the truth. I'd helped rekindle it once more, and I poured my heart onto the flame, urging it to burn higher and hotter than ever before.

Obi-Wan... my beloved...

Oh, gods, that voice inside my head... So warm and rich, I wanted to wrap myself up in it. It was almost too intense.

Yes, Maul... Yours... Always yours...

He began withdrawing from my mind then, but he didn't retreat behind shields again; he remained completely open to our bond, which was noticeably stronger now, and back in the world outside our minds, he turned to look at me over his shoulder.

"This is real."

"Yes." I smoothed my hand down his cheek.

Unexpectedly, he broke away from me and stood up, gazing down at me with an inscrutable expression.

And slowly, ever so slowly, he smiled.

It was a smile that was part seduction, part pure mischief, and I couldn't decide which aroused me more.

He rested both hands on his chest, then slid them down his torso slowly, caressing himself along the way, slipping his fingers into the waist of his trousers. My mouth went dry, and I could barely swallow as I watched. As much as I'd enjoyed undressing him, watching him tease me like that was unbearably erotic. I stared shamelessly, drinking in the sight of him as he unfastened his pants, let them drop to the floor and stepped out of them, gloriously naked again. And he was growing aroused, I noticed with a trace of smugness.

He moved to the foot of the bed and began crawling on his hands and knees towards me, his eyes never leaving mine, stalking me. He was the predator, and I was his prey--and I loved it. I was trembling with anticipation, wanting to grab him and haul him into my arms, but I didn't. I wanted to see what he was going to do, and fortunately I didn't have long to wait.

Stretching himself out on top of me, he tangled his fingers in my hair, massaging my scalp as he kissed me deeply, nibbling and sucking on my lower lip. I twined my legs with his, then began moving against his hips slightly, a thrusting motion that he soon matched, and we drowned in the slow torture of endless kisses and rocking bodies.

Breaking away at last, he traced the outline of my ear with his tongue, then re-traced it but nibbling lightly this time and sucking on my earlobe. Then he began moving his way down my body, kissing, licking, nipping until I was gasping and clutching at him desperately.

More--please--more-- I silently begged, and a soft, deep chuckle rolled through my head, the first time I'd ever heard Maul laugh, either mentally or aloud.

He fastened his mouth over my nipple, teasing it into a hardened nub with his tongue, then nibbling it gently then moved to the other one, and all the while, his hands roamed my body, seeking out the places that made me writhe with pleasure, stroking me with loving care, caressing me as if he couldn't get enough of touching. I mirrored his actions, sealing the memory of him in my fingers until he moved out of reach. He nuzzled his nose and cheek in my chest hair for a moment, then kept moving down, and I followed with my hands as long as I could, clinging to his shoulders, reluctant to let him go.

When he started nibbling my inner thigh, I clenched my fists in the sheets, arching, needing, wanting so much I thought I would explode from the sheer intensity of it. It wasn't enough--I needed more--and Maul seemed to sense that. He sat up between my legs and gave me one of those somber looks of his.

"I am going to make you mine now," he said matter-of-factly.

I thought I couldn't want him any more than I already did, that my desire couldn't get any more intense, but those simple words seared me. He was mine, I would be his, we would belong to each other. Through this life and beyond.

This time, I summoned the lubricant. It was my turn to prepare him as he'd prepared me, and my hands shook, his hissing intake of breath at my first gentle touch nearly undoing me completely. He clutched my hips and moaned quietly as I stroked him, and if I hadn't wanted him inside me so desperately, I would've brought him to completion like that just so I could watch his face as I gave him pleasure.

I moved to roll over for him, but he stopped me, his words echoing my thoughts so closely that I wondered how strong our bond was now.

"No. I wish to see your face."

Nodding, I lay down flat again and drew my knees up, giving him an invitation he didn't refuse. He entered me in slow, careful little thrusts, and I opened to him willingly, wanting this, wanting him, and I cried out when he buried himself deep inside me, then began moving in... out... slowly at first but then quickening his speed. I moved with him, against him, urging him faster and harder, and then he reached between my legs, closing his fingers around me; after only a few firm strokes, I came, bucking against his hand, and a heartbeat later, I felt him explode deep inside me, heard him cry out my name as I collapsed, boneless, melting into the bed.

Maul shuddered, moving within me a few more times before collapsing on top of me; I managed to wrap my arms around him, and he returned the embrace, nuzzling the side of my neck, humming against my skin in pleasure. After a while, he eased out of me and rolled us both so that we were lying on our sides, facing each other, and we tangled our arms and legs, keeping as much skin-on-skin contact as we could manage.

I drowsed in his arms, on the verge of sleep, and the last thing I remembered before drfiting off was being surrounded by warm thoughts of love--mine, his, ours.

Maul's Personal Log:

I thought it was a dream.

When I woke this morning, memories of last night crowded my mind. I thought I was remembering a pleasant dream. Then I realized I was curled around a slender body, sharing its warmth. I opened my eyes and saw Obi-Wan. I was still drowsy, still unconvinced the events I remembered were not real. We had woken in each other's arms before. Now we lay like spoons. I was holding him close, but that was not an indication that we had made love.

Then I woke up enough to realize I was naked. So was Obi-Wan. That was more conclusive evidence.

I reached out along our bond and found his shields still lowered. Although he was still asleep, he reached for me as well. Our minds met, and I was given wordless assurance that it had been no dream. He loved me as I loved him. He was willing to admit that now.

I tightened my arms around him and nuzzled in his hair, breathing in the scent of him because I wanted to. Because I could. He stirred and woke. When he turned over to face me, he smiled sleepily. It was an open smile such as I had longed to see ever since Naboo. I touched his cheek, stroked it tenderly.

My Obi-Wan's inner light had been rekindled at last.

We showered together. I have never enjoyed soap so much.

Afterward, Obi-Wan nudged me out of the bathing room, saying he needed to dress alone. I complied without question. I wanted to help him dress. It would have been almost as sensual an experience as helping him undress. There was time for that, however. We had the rest of our lives.

I prepared tea and sat on the balcony, waiting for him. I felt him approach me before I heard him, my sensitivity to his presence heightened by our strengthened bond. I suspect that the bond created for us by the Force has grown beyond a Master-Padawan bond. What it is and what it will become remains to be seen.

He rested his hand on my shoulder. I reached up and covered it with my own, leaning back against him when he leaned over and kissed the top of my head.

"I have something for you," he said softly. "A present."

I turned to look at him over my shoulder. "A present?"

He nodded and a mischievous, charming grin bloomed on his lips. "Hold out your hands," he instructed.

I did as he asked. He dropped something into my palms. I felt it slithering against my skin like a living thing, but when I looked down at the thin skein in my hands, I realized it was not alive at all. It was, however, a symbol of the end of one life and the beginning of a new one.

Obi-Wan's padawan braid lay coiled in my hands.

I stared up at him, amazed. "You cut it off," I said stupidly. As if he did not already know this.

"Yes." He nodded, and his expression was somber for a moment. "It's time. Qui-Gon is dead, and I'm no longer a padawan. I loved him. Part of me will always love him--"

I nodded, letting him know I understand. I do not begrudge Qui-Gon's place in my Obi-Wan's heart.

"--but he's my past, and you're my future." He leaned down and kissed me, lightly brushing his lips over mine. "I'm a Knight. It's time I act like one. It's time I take my place by your side where I belong and assume the responsibilities that my Master trained me for. To do any less is to dishonor him, his memory and everything he taught me."

I rose to my feet, the braid slipping from my hands unheeded, and I cupped his face, allowing him to feel the pride I have in him through our bond. "You are a Knight. You will be a great Knight. I sense it."

He slid his arms around my waist and smiled again. That smile was coming more often and more easily now. He was returning to the being of light and energy I fell in love with on Naboo.

"Well, I don't know about all that, but I'm going to be the best Jedi I can be. I owe it to Qui-Gon, but most of all, I owe it to myself. I've been holding myself back too long. That's over--thanks to you."

"No..." I demurred, but he gave me a reassuring squeeze.

"Yes," he insisted. "You brought me back from despair. I'm ready to face the future again rather than dwell on the past, and we're going to face it together." He paused, then looked at me shyly. "If you want to."

I looked at him steadily, scarcely believing he even needed to ask. "Yes. I will be with you for as long as you wish me by your side."

"Through this life," he said.

"And beyond," I finished, and I had hardly gotten the words out before he kissed me, his hands seeking entrance beneath my clothing.

We made it back into our bedroom. Barely.

I do not know what the future holds for Obi-Wan and myself. I do not entirely understand this bond we share and how it will change us. There are many things I do not know. But then... who does? The future is in constant motion. The one thing I am confident about is that Obi-Wan and I can face any challenge as long as we are together. As long as we love.

Back to SWA-L Archive