Archive: M_A, SWAL, OKEB, QJEB-- if anybody wants it. LOL
Archive Date: November 12, 1999
Category: Humor/parody
Disclaimer: George owns the boys and would no doubt be appalled, but he
should rest assured; this is too weird for anybody to want to pay
for.
Feedback: yes, please, any comments welcome.
Pairing: Q/O
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A very interesting picture of Qui-Gon Jinn provokes an unexpected
reaction.
Warnings: This story is VERY odd. It dragged me out of bed and demanded to
be written at 5:00 AM. I refuse to be held responsible.
"Two penises has Qui-Gon Jinn!" Yoda's cane thumped the floor decisively, echoing throughout the rare treatises archive almost as loudly as his voice.
Obi-Wan Kenobi's head snapped up, eyes wide. But what would he have--
"--two penises for?" Mace Windu sounded dubious.
"Buy the Jedi Masters' Charity Beefcake Calendar you did not?" Yoda yelped with dismay. "Support the Coruscant Orphans' Association, I thought you did. Buy fifty copies did I!"
"That's just because Yarael posed in a thong bikini, and you know it."
Obi-Wan surreptitiously glanced at his things, and at the slim, brown-paper-wrapped calendar that he had as yet not mustered the courage to unwrap. His Master had planned an evening out; Obi-Wan had thought to have a leisurely evening unwrapping it, burning pictures of Yarael and Ki Adi Mundi, and... contemplating. Contemplation was a primary facet of the Jedi lifestyle, after all.
"And if you have fifty copies, you have plenty to give me one." There was the sound of a struggle, accompanied by Yoda's dismayed yelping, and then Windu's voice again. "I'll be a son of a Sith. You're right."
Obi-Wan's fingers twitched toward the wrapped calendar, and he snatched them back with great effort. I wonder what in the Sith--
"--he does with the extra?" Mace sounded speculative.
I don't know, but I'd sure like to--
"--find out."
Maybe it's--
"--just his nut-sac."
"Nut-sac look like that, does not. Have a head, it does!" Rattling of paper.
Obi-Wan, sitting at a table concealed among the stacks, had to rap his own knuckles again. He sat on the disobedient hand and struggled to read the page he was supposed to be studying.
"Prehensile, perhaps it is!"
"Well, I guess technically it could be," Windu sounded dubious. "Say, I wonder. Do you suppose--"
--he can fuck himself with it?
"Put nothing past him, would I."
"Yeah, you're right. He's certainly long enough."
Obi-Wan's hands twitched at that and began to creep across the table. He snatched them back doggedly, beginning to sweat.
"Maybe the women of his subspecies enjoy multiple penetration."
"Have prostates women do not!" Another thump of the cane.
"Have two orifices men do not!" Windu retaliated, a bit nastily.
Have two--
"--_penises_ men do not! Besides, anime George Lucas does not do. Clean family entertainment, we are!"
Obi-Wan stifled a giggle. It was an impasse, all right. He realized he held the calendar in his sweating hands, and made himself put it down.
"Well, not most men, I guess." Mace sounded baffled. "Trust Qui-Gon to be a nonconformist."
"Right, you are."
"That's... some expression on his face."
"The photographer he wanted, I think. Wonder who it was, I do."
Obi-Wan snickered softly. Photography was one of his lesser-known talents, but it was definitely one of the more amusing ones. When Qui-Gon had made him set up his equipment and then snap a picture-- all while blindfolded, under the lame-ass excuse that it was a test of his Jedi abilities-- he'd been sure his Master was going to be in the Beefcake Calendar, but this... this was a little better than he'd expected.
More rattling of paper as the Councilors examined the picture in question. It was very convenient, masking the surreptitious ripping sounds that came from Obi-Wan's table.
Well, what do you know. Obi-Wan giggled softly, tracing a fingertip down the lean lines of Qui-Gon's lounging body. He _does_ have two penises.
"What was that?" Mace sounded alert.
"Sound like a giggle it did."
The Councilors went to investigate, but all they found were some shreds of brown paper and an abandoned book.
Obi-Wan practically skipped down the corridor, beaming. He made a mental note to return to the rare treatises archive next month, when the Jedi Padawans' Charity Beefcake Calendar was released. It would be most amusing to overhear Mace and Yoda's-- and Qui-Gon's-- reaction to the fact that he, Obi-Wan Kenobi, possessed both an anus and a vagina.