Archive: MA, anyone else please ask. (Asked and received permission to archive on SWA-L)
Archive Date: August 17, 2002
Category: Angst
Disclaimer: Everything Star Wars belongs to George Lucas and Lucasfilms. I am
making no money from this.
Feedback: Feedback is appreciated both onlist or off
Notes: This short story is the result of a rather melancholy mood and
some RL stresses. Writing angsty fics is a new experience for me.
Pairing: Q/O
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Qui-Gon must come to terms with something that Obi-Wan has done.
Watching from across the room, I had to finally admit that my worse nightmare was coming true. I nursed the glass of local ale I held in my hand while years of diplomatic training was the only thing allowing me to stay even remotely focused on the blathering of the second minister. Steeling myself from the pain rising within, I tried to turn away, to block out the sight that was tearing my heart to pieces but couldn't.
This had been escalating for a number of weeks, a flirting glance here, a lingering touch there and as I peered at the younger man dancing so suggestively in the attaché's arms, I knew that tonight my life would change forever. Obi-Wan would betray my love.
Relieved that the minister had finished his ramblings and moved on, I moved further into the shadows and leaned against an ornate railing, contemplating this horrid turn of events. From the moment when Obi-Wan had offered his life for me in the mines of Bandomeer, my love for him had grown. First, it had been a teacher's love for a favorite student then as Obi-Wan had grown so had the love I felt for him. As the years passed, it had metamorphosed into the love for a special friend, partner and confidant until one night, a few tens before Obi-Wan's eighteenth name day, when I had realized it had blossomed into romantic love.
In the beginning, I had fought valiantly against the realization. I was almost thirty years Obi-Wan's senior and I was sure there was no way the younger man would be interested in me. So I had shunted the feelings aside, spending hours in meditation releasing my unrequited love into the Force and concentrated on what I could have. Obi-Wan was my padawan and as such we shared a very close relationship. I focused on his training, taking every opportunity to share my years of experiences with the younger man.
At first it had been enough. Small pleasures had been squeezed from a multitude of interests and duties. Katas and sparring became an intimate dance, a time when I could share my soul fully with Obi-Wan under the guise of duty. Early in Obi-Wan's nineteenth year, we had realized a joint love of ancient Loranian etchings and had spent many leisure hours touring museums and searching antique shops for the archaic treasures.
By the beginning of Obi-Wan's twentieth year, he was beginning to make tiny gestures showing interest in having a more intimate relationship with me. Like most Jedi padawans, Obi-Wan had come into his sexual maturity around his sixteenth year and I had watched him explore a variety of sexual experiences with his agemates. He had experimented with a variety of partners and gender and species never seemed to play any factor in those choices.
But none of these relationships had lasted more then a few tens so when Obi-Wan's romantic gestures became more determined, I found my resolve cracking. Sly glances as we stood in the communal showers became long, lingering appraisals. Gestures that had always been platonic suddenly took on new meaning. Obi-Wan's hands on me as he massaged away sore muscles from a day in the salles became stealthy caresses along back, buttocks and thighs. Obi-Wan seemed to find a multitude of reasons to drape a friendly arm over my shoulder and allow his hand to gently caress my neck as he pulled away.
Although a Master/Padawan relationship was not forbidden by the code as long as the apprentice initiated it, I continued to fight allowing a more intimate relationship to develop. I was hopelessly in love with Obi-Wan by this time but I truly feared whether we could balance this drastic a shift in our relationship. Plus I knew my own heart; knew that once I had allowed Obi-Wan fully into my heart I would want to keep him there exclusively forever. So I had buried my feelings deeply and gently turned away Obi-Wan's advances. My padawan had gone back to interludes with other padawans or young knights and even on occasion with an acquaintance from a mission. But none of these interludes lasted more than a few days.
I had continued to bury my feelings, along with the pain I felt from watching the man I loved so deeply sharing himself with others. And I had managed by some gift of the Force to actually do it until a few tens before Obi-Wan's twenty-second name day. Obi-Wan had been seriously injured on a mission and during the hours I had spent pouring energy into him and willing him to live until I could get him back to the Temple, I had inadvertently lowered all my shields. Even in Obi-Wan semi comatose state, the emotions had flowed across the bond and he had felt them.
When Obi-Wan had finally broached the subject on his first day out of Healers Hall, he had been livid. He had screamed and ranted at me, berating me for not being able to put aside my fears and 'Live in the Moment' as I so constantly preached before pouncing on me. All my arguments had vanished under the onslaught of those questing lips and I allowed myself to be led into the bedroom.
Mindful of Obi-Wan's still recovering body, we had made love gently and carefully, although I had taken the opportunity to explore every centimeter of my young lover's flesh. For the next few days, we barely left our quarters, making full use of Obi-Wan's duty restrictions. We made love repeatedly, moving from the bed to other surfaces in our quarters as the younger man's strength returned.
It had been everything I had not dared to hope possible and I had allowed my misgivings to dissipate. And so we had embarked over this road, balancing our roles of teacher and student against that of being lovers with an ease that surprised me.
The next year had passed without issue and Obi-Wan flourished in this new setting. His skills had grown by leaps and bounds and his connection to the Living Force, which had been tenuous at best as he had grown, blossomed as our bond deepened. I began to open the deepest recesses of my heart to my young lover and shared most of my hopes and longings. Only one thing was kept in that shrinking, hidden space, my desire to have Obi-wan commit to me totally and formally.
Although Obi-Wan had been with me exclusively since that fateful night, he had never said the words out loud and I had been unwilling to ask for that vow from my apprentice. I could not in good conscious even think about it until my role as Obi-Wan's teacher had ended and the younger man was a Knight. So I had accepted what Obi-Wan had given me and hoped that someday we could have more. Now it looked liked even what we had now could be over.
Obi-Wan's innocent flirtations with people both at Temple and on missions had begun to be more serious. And now, he was dancing with the Denorin's junior attaché as if they were already lovers. I had felt Obi-Wan tighten his shields earlier in the evening but with our heightened connection I could still fell some of the younger man's stronger emotions. And lust was a strong emotion.
Placing my empty glass on the table besides the railing, I began to work my way through the perfunctory goodnights to the delegation. That accomplished, I left the banquet hall without even a good bye to Obi-Wan and make my way to our assigned rooms. I had a good idea how this night would end and I needed to get myself prepared mentally to salvage the situation.
The next four hours were spent on my knees, examining every aspect of our relationship. Had I caused this is some way? Had I missed some sign in Obi-Wan of an underlying need that lay dormant? Had I not shown Obi-Wan how deeply I loved him and as a result the younger man was unfulfilled? I dissected every tiny bit of our relationship. When I rose from meditation, I still had not found any reasons but had found a path. I would have to do whatever it took to salvage the remnants of our relationship.
Even if we could no longer be the lovers I had envisioned us to be, we were still Master and Padawan and that had to be the priority in our lives. Once Obi-Wan had come down from the heights of his passion, guilt would begin to build within him. And unless derailed, that guilt would begin to insinuate itself into every aspect of our lives. So I would have to bury my pain back behind the wall our love had almost completely dismantled and find a way to convince Obi-Wan that I was not disturbed by this little tryst.
My plan in place, I undressed and settled into the empty bed for what I hoped would be a few hours sleep.
When the dawn light began to filter into the room, I was still alone but he could feel Obi-Wan's presence getting closer. I rose and headed into the shower, hearing my apprentice entering the quarters just as I turned off the water. I dressed quickly and entered the ornate sitting room to find the younger man sitting dejectedly on the couch with his head in his hands. Heart breaking, I steeled my resolve, sat beside the younger man and cupped the cleft chin in my palm.
"Obi-Wan, look at me. It's all right," I reassured even as I wondered if I would survive this.
"No it's not," Obi-Wan choked out, refusing to turn his head to meet my gaze. "I don’t know what got into me."
"You are young and as such want to have different experiences. Plus you have never made a vow of fidelity to me and I have would not ask that of you," I said with a conviction that I surely didn't feel. "I had many relationships before we came together and though I have no interest in exploring other possibilities, you deserve that option."
"But I love you, so why would I even be tempted to be with someone else," Obi-Wan cried out in dismay.
"I know you love me," I repeated, not sure whether I was trying to convince him or myself. "And you know that I love you with all my heart but I don’t own you. You have a right to share yourself with anyone you choose." I forced him to turn his head so that I could look into those anguished gray-green eyes. "You must not allow this guilt you are feeling to overwhelm you. I am not bother by you doing this," I lied as I brushed away the tears flowing down his cheek with my thumb.
"Well, this is the only time. It won't happen again," Obi-Wan said with resolve.
I could feel the doubt echoing through the Force even as he spoke the words, so I sought to reassure him. "Don't make promises you may not be able to keep, Obi-Wan. You may find yourself again drawn to explore with another. One day, when you are ready, then you can made that commitment to me, love." I pulled him into my arms and could feel his shoulders begin to shake with repressed sobs. "Until then, I will accept whatever you share with me as the gift that it is."
"I don’t deserve you, but I do love you," Obi-Wan muttered against the fabric of my tunic.
"You deserve so much more than I could possible give you," I replied. Then I pulled him to his feet and directed him towards the bedroom. "Now you need to get some sleep. Because of last night's gathering, today's negotiations don't begin until after mid-meal." I helped him to undress and soon had him tucked securely under the covers. "Sleep, love," I instructed with a touch of the Force behind my words. Without even a hint of a fight, Obi-Wan allowed sleep to overtake him.
I sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing soothing circles on his back with one hand and fingering his padawan braid with the other. "You are the most important thing in my life, Obi-Wan," I whispered even though he couldn’t hear me. My heart felt like it had shattered into a million pieces and part of me was surprised that I had been able to stay together. But I was more than willing to suffer to prevent him from feeling this guilt or pain. That was what love was all about really, loving another person enough to do what was best for them.
Obi-Wan's training was the priority and I would do whatever was necessary so that nothing stood in the way of that. Once he had achieved his Knighthood, then I could worry about my own needs. Maybe then I would have to decide what to do if he still waited me share him with others. Would I be able to accept less than a total commitment from him then? If I searched my heart I would see that I knew the answer already. No, I wouldn't. I would have to let him go or it would destroy me. Most likely I would be destroyed even if I walked way. But until that day, I would accept what he was offering me and release my pain unto the Force. Obi-Wan, after all, was the most important thing.