Archive: SWAL
Archive Date: March 03, 2002
Category: Point of View
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Feedback: yes please, any comments very welcome.
Notes: I invented a little ceremony for this story. It comes from the idea
that braids don't last that long before they have to be redone.
However, I've cheated and made them longer lasting than you'd
expect - but mysterious are the ways of the force.
This tale set just before TPM. It's more bittersweet than anything, only
sad when the future is considered. I wrote it because I felt that
Obi-Wan's loss cannot be fully comprehended until you analyse what he
had, or could have had.
Huge thanks to Gloriana and Smitty for the beta.
Pairing: Q/O
Rating: PG
Series: Part of my 'Good Intentions on the road to Hell' Series. I originally
wrote this quite a while ago but never posted it here as I wanted to
re-write the whole series. I've nearly finished and to celebrate thought
I'd post this now. I hope you enjoy it.
Summary: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon perform a Jedi ceremony.
Legend has it that in the Gian Forests on Tebour, the trees grow so tall that the highest branches snag the sun as it passes and trap pieces of it in their thorns, so even at night the forest is never dark but forever lit by the glow from its upper reaches. It is also said that a man of pure heart and purpose can prove his worth by climbing high enough to bring a piece of that brightness down to earth, and thus be granted his heart's desire.
Of course, in these days of space travel and science, people now speak of orbits and phosphorescence, but walking amongst these great trees of Gian I find myself preferring to believe in the legend, and for once I have the leisure to do so. Tebour, fortunately, has not needed Jedi intervention for decades. Instead it is prosperous planet, generous to those less fortunate and a staunch supporter of the Republic.
So, amazingly, walking here is purely for pleasure, a well-earned rest for my Padawan and myself. But our duty will still interfere: we have a long overdue Jedi ritual to perform. It should have been done months ago but it requires security, peace and no interruptions; and that has been in very short supply of late. So, having decided that enough was enough, I went to the Council and ranted about how Obi-Wan's training was suffering and they reluctantly granted us a week's respite.
Obi-Wan, the subject of my diatribe, however, isn't pleased with my choice of destination. I think he'd rather have stayed on Coruscant, hung a 'do not disturb' sign on our quarters and spent the excess time sparring, studying or doing something equally industrious. Fortunately, I chose to inform the Council of our destination while they were in session - and he considers it disrespectful to contradict me in public. However, I wouldn't like to imply that I am at all ignorant of his objections. On the contrary he ensured that I knew every detail the instant we were alone, but by then the Council had already agreed to Tebour and so that was that.
Our arrival had been routine to begin with. I'd smiled at Obi-Wan as we collected our few belongings together in the transport. He didn't smile back. He wasn't really sulking; he's not much good at it anyway. I, however, am highly skilled in that art so it's always better when I get my way.
But the problems soon started. Although the droid stewardesses were encouraging us to disembark, the queue was moving significantly slower than normal.
"At this rate it will take all week just to get off this transport," my unhappy companion complained after we had been waiting for half an hour.
"Then I suggest you use the time well, my Padawan. Consider it a training exercise in patience and calm."
"Yes Master," he replied all too respectfully.
In the end we found that the problem was us. The local government had found out about our arrival and had wanted to make an issue of our presence here. I had been involved in sorting out a dispute they had had many years ago and so they 'wanted to show their gratitude'. We had been held up while they looked for us in First Class.
So, when we finally disembarked I was horrified to find the Senate Liaison Minister, a band, a company of soldiers, a red carpet, a bevy of floating droid cameras and an aircar waiting to greet us.
After that it took some careful manoeuvring, and a touch of the Force, to prevent this precious free time from being spent in a round of official dinners and engagements. Mind you, I was seriously motivated to sort this disaster out. Obi-Wan was at my shoulder saying nothing and following respectfully, a perfect Jedi in posture and appearance. Only he was saying nothing so loudly that I was almost deafened and I was not prepared give him such an opportunity to truly hone his sulking skills.
However, my reputation as a skilled negotiator is not an empty one and I even managed to turn the situation to our advantage. The Minister turned out to be very proud of her planet's natural resources and was able to recommend a spot that would suit our purposes perfectly. Then, after some subtle persuasion, she insisted we use the aircar to get us there and devoutly promised that we would remain undisturbed for the rest of our visit. Indeed, it only took a little while longer for us to shake the more persistent of the droid cameras.
And her choice was inspired. Autumn has always been my favourite season and here it is in full bloom with the leaves above us forming a breathtaking mosaic of red and gold. The Force seems especially strong here and although we have been walking for hours I feel more refreshed now than when we started. Obi-Wan is trying not to enjoy himself and only kicks up leaves when he thinks I'm not looking. I'm sure he secretly disapproves of leave and time off purely for relaxation. I suspect he's smuggled in some study materials to work on after I go to sleep. However, I feel happier, in this forest alone with my apprentice, than I have in a long time. All I need now is for Obi-Wan to admit he's having a good time as well.
"This place isn't so bad is it, Obi-Wan?"
"No Master, it isn't," he replies smiling at me at last.
"I think this is another example of why I am the teacher and you the student," I add to see if he will rise to the bait.
"Yes Master," he says, obviously deciding to pick his battles.
It is early afternoon when we arrive at the lake the Minister recommended. I stand to take in the view, breathe in the unpolluted air and feel truly at peace. Nearby is a rocky overhang, a perfect place to spend the night so I send Obi-Wan to gather firewood. He's delighted to go, a real task after an morning of freedom. Next I remove my boots and robe and wade into the lake to see if I can catch anything. However, my heart's not really in it. I'm feeling far too in tune with the Force to kill anything.
Lost in the simple joy of the moment I've no idea how long I have been standing in the water when a noise disturbs me, and I look up to see my Padawan looking down at me from the outcropping. He has a wistful expression on his face.
"We did bring supplies, Master," he says patiently.
"Consider it a training exercise in patience and calm," I repeat, smiling.
"Is that why you have caught nothing, Master?"
"The actual catching of a fish is not necessary and does not affect the success or failure of the exercise."
"I expect the fish and a starving man would feel differently, Master."
I don't deign to reply but lazily head out of the water to join him. The afternoon is so warm that I don't put my boots or robe back on. Obi-Wan has been busy. Our campsite has been prepared and the fire is ready to be lit. Pleased, I sit on a fallen tree nearby and look at my apprentice. He quickly realises that it is time for the ritual so elegantly kneels facing me between my legs and gazes patiently up at me.
I love this ceremony, so much that now I can only rarely bear to do it. However, we have definitely delayed it too long. Obi-Wan's braid is looking distinctly untidy and I feel a strong need to reaffirm our bond. Not wanting to waste any more time, I take the comb from my belt and reach out to take his braid and remove the fastenings. Gently, I untangle his hair, comb out the knots and, after cutting a long lock from my own head, I prepare to braid it all together.
"Do you remember when we first met?" I ask him as I look into his eyes.
"No Master, I was too young."
I start to braid very slowly.
"Indeed, you were only three. A fine toddler causing trouble in the creche. I had to catch you to stop you racing out the door."
"The first time I remember seeing you, though, was when I was six. You were telling the initiates stories about your experiences on Endor. I remember thinking how noble you were. I hoped then and there that I would grow up to be your Padawan."
"And was I the only Jedi you thought that about?" I ask, knowing the answer.
"No, Master. I wished that about very many Knights and Masters," he replies with his cheekiest grin.
We continue and I lose myself in the ceremony. I've heard that some master/padawan pairs only take twenty minutes for this. I'm firmly of the opinion that they should get out more. It has never taken us less than an hour and that was in the early days. How could anyone rush remembering everything that they have experienced together? The start is always the same but the things we choose to remember afterwards changes every time.
He never smiles so much as he does during this ceremony. Neither do I, and it must be the only time I hear him giggle. That does worry me sometimes: I'm not known for my smiles and laughter but compared to him I'm positively lighthearted. It is a terrible shame for he is so beautiful when he smiles. Especially now, as he gazes up at me, hands in his lap, adoration in his eyes, as I so slowly and carefully braid our hair and our memories together.
"Do you remember Dhowhil Major?"
"Yes Master, that was where the governor was trying to use us as a scapegoat and I nearly drowned escaping," he replies easily but I still feel an echo of the terror I felt then.
"And what lessons did you learn then, my Padawan?"
"To always carry my breather with me, to improve my ability to fall into a trance to slow down my body's functions, to never trust people's fine words, to always monitor a situation on a mission very carefully and to never, ever nearly die as it makes you so angry."
I nod, satisfied at his answer and time continues to pass unnoticed as his braid gets longer.
"This could be one of the last times we perform this ceremony, my Padawan," I say as I tie a final knot and put on the last fastening.
"Why, Master, have you got tired of it?" he asks
"Never, Obi-Wan, but it will not be long before you are a Knight and they cut off the braid that I work so hard to keep tidy."
I look once more into my Padawan's eyes and suddenly the atmosphere changes. Before it was filled with laughing reminiscences; now it is far more sultry. Obi-Wan sees the change in my eyes and his expression quickly goes from happy to terrified. I lean towards him and capture his mouth with mine. He manages to squeak, "Master..." before I kiss him.
I don't get a chance to enjoy the feeling as he instantly tumbles backwards in a desperate attempt to get away from me. I'd like to spend more time enjoying the image of someone so graceful in the Force moving so inelegantly, but I have to act fast to prevent him from escaping. Motivated by desire I jump forwards and grab him as he tries to scramble away. I flip him over onto his back and pin him beneath me. I try to taste those lips again, but he's got his hands to my shoulders and holds me away.
"I thought we agreed to wait until I passed my Trials," he says quickly, determined to stop my offensive.
I'm anxious to avoid this conversation and try to take his lips again, but he is strong enough and determined enough to prevent me.
"I'm thinking of the future," he tries again.
"How many times do I have to tell you to be more mindful of the moment?"
"Master, they could separate us," he answers passionately. "It has happened before. If we follow the Code, the Council will have no choice but to agree for us to be a permanent team after my Knighting."
He looks squarely at me, trying to add force to his argument. "I don't think I could survive being forced to spend the rest of my life without you."
I sigh. Deep down I knew this was how my advances would be met. Of all the people in all the worlds, I have to fall in love with such a serious Jedi who is so keen to follow the Code. Where were all the lighthearted rule-breakers, I ask myself, and why couldn't I have chosen one for my Padawan?
However, I am aware I'm being unkind; frustration can do that to a man, even if he is a Jedi. I tell myself that I wouldn't love him if he were different, if he were less intense, if he weren't himself. But I'm not going to let this go without a fight.
"You seem to be surviving now."
"But right now we are still together, Master. After a fashion."
I sigh again and rest my elbows either side of his head. Leaning my head on my hands I gaze into his eyes. I marvel that Obi-Wan can have such power over me. He takes passive aggression to new heights.
"A very frustrating fashion. Sometimes I think you only do this to tease an old man and it's revenge for all the extra meditations I've made you do." Obi-Wan looks stricken so I smile a little to take the edge of my words, but he doesn't look reassured.
I consider the situation and move to rest my forehead upon his. Obi-Wan allows the contact. I close my eyes and try to calm myself, but I keep getting distracted by the feeling of Obi-Wan trembling beneath me like the virgin he isn't, that no Jedi is permitted to be. I could insist. I know he won't be able to resist for much longer; after all, my Padawan wants this as much as I do. But I do love him, unfortunately. If this were just lust we could do whatever we pleased; but I love him, even when he's being such a pain, and I cannot force or trick him into this.
I wish Tebour's legends were true. Then all I'd have to do to get my heart's desire would be merely to climb a tall tree and bring back a piece of a star. But, unfortunately, I also believe in orbits and phosphorescence and once again I give in and decide to stick to our agreement. However, I can't resist just one last kiss. Especially as I know Obi-Wan will try to shy away from it and he always does so in such a particularly arousing way. This would be so much easier if he wasn't so damnably sexy. Especially when he's lying squirming beneath me with leaves in his hair.
Reluctantly I get off him and stand up. He looks up at me with a faintly disappointed expression. I have no sympathy. If he's changed his mind now, it's too late. I'm not about to jump him again; generally I adhere to our bargain, thrashed out one very unpleasant evening, and I only rarely try to break it. If he's belatedly had a change of heart he's going to have to either wait or take the initiative - and risk me telling him to stick to our agreement for a change. I brush myself down and offer him my hand. He takes it and smiles shyly at me as he stands. I ruffle his hair in an attempt to make him look less debauched and to restore the equilibrium between us.
As usual we have taken so long over the ceremony that it is now late and getting dark. I light the fire, put my robe and boots back on and sit down with my back to a tree trunk near it. I make myself comfortable, re-arranging my robe around me. Obi-Wan hasn't moved and is watching me with unreadable eyes as the flames light his face. Settled, I look up at him.
We've always finished this ceremony the same way. It isn't completely official but it has always worked for us. I hope Obi-Wan isn't going to change it.
I needn't have worried. He moves to stand over me, so I open up my robe and he settles in at my side, arms around my waist, head on my shoulder, and I wrap my robe around us both. Ever since he was thirteen he's spent the night after the ceremony in my arms. Re-affirming the bond. I can't have the bond I really want with him yet, but the feeling of closeness I get from this night is almost enough. I look into the fire and watch the flames dance as I run my fingers through his soft hair and feel his arms tighten around me.
We sit in silence until he falls asleep. I remain awake, bathed in the glow filtering down from the tops of the trees. I don't want to miss a moment of the feel of him in my arms, of his arms around me, of his hair under my petting hand. For once, reality is far sweeter than any dream. However, never one to waste time, I also use the night to think up a suitable riposte to my rejection. I try to decide what annoys him more: my defiance of the Council or my adoption of life forms in need. Maybe I shall do both.