Archive: SWAL and The Nesting Place
Category: pre-slash (mostly), angst, from Han's point of view
Notes: I've been a strictly Q-G/O-W girl 'til now, so please be kind, as this
is my first try at Han/Luke. I expect you will let me know if I should stick to Q/O. *g*
Special thanks to Chris, Tracy and Lisa for the beta reading - you're terrific. And to
Cara, whose writing awes me, who offered to help...even tho I ran away with it before she
had the chance. *g*
Pairing: H/Lu
Rating: PG for language and imagery
Summary: My brief take on the long, lingering look Han gives Luke after they
say goodbye on Hoth, and how it might have gone a little differently.
It was just a kiss, damn it.
All day long, I've been feeling those Wookie eyes on the back of my neck. It's getting to the point where I'm about to tell Chewie to curl up next to the hyperdrive and stay there until he's ready to quit second-guessing my love life.
I'm doing enough of that myself.
I mean, hell, what was I supposed to do? Just stand there and not allow myself to feel anything for her? She's a princess, she's beautiful, and she needed me. That was enough, at least for that moment. It was great to see her confused for a change. I've paid my dues in that area. Besides, Luke is probably --
Damn. I'm not going to think about that. I promised myself.
Apparently I saved his life - twice - so he could just throw it away. I'm not sure who's the bigger fool, Luke for becoming so involved in this crusade, or me for wishing he'd put it all aside and fly away with me, safe and sound. I made him that offer once, before he went off to become a big hero. Suddenly, there I was, flying along after him, getting mired down in exactly what I said I'd always avoid. And I don't mean the rebellion.
This whole thing started in the snow on Hoth. Well, no. That's a lie. It started the minute I laid eyes on the kid, all impatient and jumpy, in the bar on Tattooine. He was so easy to bait, so easy to get a rise out of, that I couldn't stop myself. Not even when old Ben Kenobi gave me a look that would have withered your average low-life smuggler. He was so protective of the kid. Made me wonder if that old wizard could read my mind. If he could have, he never would have let Luke get aboard the Falcon, because those thoughts I was thinking were definitely less than pure. I was planning to seduce Luke somewhere along the route to Alderaan, but it never came up. We were a little too busy avoiding death, you know?
When I saw how infatuated he was with Her Royal Worship, I decided to have a little fun with it. You know, flirting with her to piss him off. Which was fine, right up until we all started becoming friends. Leia isn't so bad once you understand her. She's just got to keep that front up, that royal-in-command thing, and I don't blame her. It's not easy to be a woman in charge of so many troops. I love the way she gets all huffy and irritated when I question her authority. Now that I know she cares for me, I'm feeling pretty lousy about kissing her.
Especially after --
Damn, damn.
Hoth was not a place I'd planned to stay for a week, much less months. Why did I stay? I've thought about that quite a bit. Part of me loves the danger. There's a definite kick to outsmarting and outrunning these Imperials. Better than the rush I got from smuggling. I also have to admit I liked being part of something for a change - something important. There's more to it, though. It was tough to tear myself away from the new maturity in Luke. When they gave him a command of his own, it toughened him up some. He'd lost that naïve gloss he'd had when I first saw him. Not so eager, a little more cautious, a little less fearless. And a lot more confusing.
Over the course of this last year, I saw the way Luke was looking at me. Every now and then I'd catch him staring - not that I minded. He'd duck his head down faster than a Corellian whore, but it was hard to miss the way he blushed. I don't know why I never approached him about it. Maybe because it was too hard think of him as a casual partner, and too easy to see how it could end up badly. I didn't want to hurt him, and hurting has always been my specialty. Didn't stop me from thinking about him before I went to sleep at night, though, with my cock in my hand and my back arched off the bed, and an ache in my gut that I couldn't push away.
I woke up yesterday in the cold of Hoth, shivering after a long, wet dream, one of those where Luke's hands and eyes and lips and tongue were all over me, everywhere. I was rock hard and helpless to do anything about it. Believe me, that was the end of my little fantasies. No time to get involved with a kid who's got stars in his eyes and a limited life expectancy. Time to go.
Should've known I couldn't get away that easy.
So, aggravated and overstimulated, I volunteered to go on patrol. With Luke. Out in the nice, cold, erection-killing weather that passes for a climate on Hoth. All the time I was running around out there, going snow-blind, I was thinking of what it would feel like to say goodbye to Luke. It never occurred to me that it was Leia I should worry about. But when she fixed me with that frosty stare that dropped the temperature to sub-zero in the command center, I lost my temper, and I had to egg her on. It wasn't fair, but I didn't really give a damn. She can be so annoying.
Cutting off the comlink to spare myself from listening to her protests almost cost the kid his life. I lost precious minutes that way. Stupid. My heart hit the floor when Threepio told me Luke wasn't back in from patrol. So I'd made two serious mistakes that day, starting with not insisting we go back to base together. In other words, it was my fault.
I went out there into the blizzard like an idiot, knowing I'd probably die before I could get to Luke, hoping he wasn't already dead himself. About that time, I realized how important he was to me. More important than my own life.
That was a shock, believe me.
When I found him laying in the snow, I had to save him. I had to have the chance to tell him once how I felt about him, before one of us died. Which seemed to be the most likely outcome of that little outdoor adventure. I built that shelter on willpower alone. I dragged him inside, turned on the heating element (which provided about as much warmth as a candle flame), wrapped my body around his and held him in the dark, listening to the wind, counting down every second until morning.
Luke was delirious. I thought that even if I could keep him warm enough, he might die of his injuries. He called for Kenobi, and for Leia too. And for me. It was hard to listen to my name being moaned over and over, and not wonder how it might sound under other circumstances, where I might be holding him for an entirely different reason.
I gave Luke time to recover, which wasn't long because he's a fast healer. Good thing, given all the predicaments he's been in. I went to the sickbay to get a few things off my chest. I didn't really expect to find Leia there. In fact, it seems like I never expect her anywhere. Chewie already had it figured out, but Leia was a different problem. All of a sudden my best intentions went south again, and I was ribbing her, improvising because I couldn't bare my soul to Luke with her there. I watched the look of gratitude and...affection, but more than that...on Luke's face turn to wary hurt and uncertainty. When she laid that kiss on him, he turned the tables on me, all right. I didn't like the way it made my stomach knot up, to watch him soften under her lips. Not at all.
And then all hell broke loose. The Empire managed to track us down again, and I was running out of time. One more battle, but this one I couldn't be a part of. No time to start something I couldn't finish. All these great plans I had, but then he came into the hangar, cocky and full of fight again, and looking up at me with words on the tip of his tongue. Then he hesitated, and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't help him out. I wanted to hear it. I had to know that he wanted to say it. So I let the moment play itself out, and I smiled at him.
A lot went unspoken in those seconds, but the messages got though, loud and clear.
He turned away from me, and I couldn't let him go. So I said the first words that came into my head: "Be careful." He turned back to answer, but I was already moving, climbing down from the Falcon as fast as I could. He stopped, tilted his head, looking at me as I walked over to him, almost as surprised as I was. No time to think it through. I grabbed hold of him and pushed that mouth open with mine, making sure he tasted me as I tasted him, and my hands were in that mop of blond hair, which was even softer than I'd dreamed. He put his hands on my hips, to steady himself, and I felt him breathe my name against my lips as I pulled back, already bracing for the loss.
"You too," he answered softly. I let him go, only because I had to. I watched him walk away, and I felt Chewie's long, searching look burning a hole in the back of my jacket as I stood there.
Pretty much like his eyes are burning through me now.
Luke's probably...damn, I am not going to think about that now...time to get on with it. Hey, I'm only human. And she loves me, right?