Archive: SWA-L
Disclaimer: George Lucas is the man. Just ask
him. Me? I'm a transgender mutant, with purple
tubicles, who was a background extra in the
movie. Heh-heh-heh...I'm just kidding.
I didn't do the movie.
Notes: This is nuts. Insane. I wrote it for you, Mona darling.
I dedicate it to you and to Katrinka who proposed it.
Pairing: Lu/other
Summary: Here is a challenge by Katrinka. Write
a story with the title The Jedi that Shagged Me.
In a bar, on Tatooine, on a very, very slow night...
It was pretty empty and I have to tell you, I would have gone home, but the old man... he is such a dick. I want to slap all six of his faces.
Sigh.
My name is Babo, Babo Jiggs. People call me Jiggly for short. I would be insulted, but things do go jiggly on me. You see, I am what they call a double helix. That is, I have two parents each from the planets Hectorum and Oralix. Helix. Get it?
Oh, well, I guess you had to be there.
Anyhoo.... I was wiping tables and hanging around, waiting for customers when this kid walks in.
He's kinda cute, in a bipedal, one-headed, two-eyed, one-mouthed... well, you get it. A humanoid. Of course, my husband calls that kind a 'noid. Sort of an in-joke that he never bothered to explain to me. Sort of like the ten thousand *other* lame in-jokes he's never explained.
Tell me, can *anyone* tell me what the expression, "What ever salts your peanuts, honey" means? That man will be the death of me.
This 'noid walks over and sits in the booth by the back door, his eyes sort of furtive. I wander over and ask him if he wants a drink. He looks at me for a long time, that is to say, he looks at my bosoms for a long time and finally, he gulps.
"Um, I'll have ... what do you think I should have?" he asks, all kind of sweet and virginal like.
Me? I think he should go home and get it straight from his mother's tit, but I think, after watching him stare at my bosoms, he's a little old for that. Barely.
"Well," I says, "how about the house special?"
I sort of leaned in, my boobs jutting into his space, and he sort of gasped, all quivery like. I grinned. On all four sets of my cherry red lips.
"Sounds good," he croaked out.
With a grin, on all four of my mouths, I turned and hovered over to the bar, making sure that my magnificent butt was on good display. Hovering back with the drink, I sat next to him, leaning toward him as he worked up his nerve to ask.
They always ask. Its always the same old questions, always asked in the same order.
"Are those your real tits" and "How much for an hour?"
I always give them the same answer.
"You betcha" and "Fifty bucks."
"So," he said, his nonchalance skin deep. "You come here often?"
"I work here," I chuckled. He was cute. He smelled of virgin and curiosity and a huge, burning desire to get laid. I thought, what the hell. The old man at home was a lazy ass. What was an occasional trick among friends?
"What exactly do you do?" He was nervous as a cat. His dark eyes fascinated me. I will never get used to a man only having two eyes. It's not natural.
"I serve drinks, clean up and turn tricks in the upstairs bedroom."
For a moment I thought he would swallow his tongue. I really don't turn tricks upstairs. I use the alley. Its quicker. But, this kid was obviously a virgin. He looked like he could use a flat surface.
"Oh," he said, shifting nervously.
"And you?" I said, making conversation. I found with tricks, if you talk to them now, they can usually get it up later. That is one of those tricks of the trade you learn the hard way.
I slipped my hand down to his thigh and squeezed slightly. He liked it. He looked at me with his baby face and his cute two little eyes and sighed.
"I'm a Jedi."
I almost laughed. If he was a Jedi, I was a mohajit. However, the customer is always right. Sometimes. So, I humored him.
"So, do Jedis get laid or are you like some kind of monk?"
He swallowed. Hard. I could tell we had rapport. I moved my hand farther up his leg and felt a nice bulge in the front of his slim body. The boy had a nice dick. Maybe, just maybe, this would be fun for both of us. I just *hate* it when I'm the only one having fun.
Must be from thirty-nine years with the husband. The wanker. But, I digress...
The kid swallowed again. "We like six... I mean, sex."
That's nice. Sex with six. I almost laughed. My hand slid higher and his package was mine. It was a nice size, guaranteeing book rate if I mailed it. I massaged it gently, watching his heart rate speed up. Nice, these 'noids.
"So, do you want sex with six or six for sex?"
"I want sex. Now."
With a chuckle, I got up and extended one of my hands. I have to hand it to him. He took it and limped up the stairs behind me. I nodded to the bartender, a transexual mutant with tubicles named Darwin, and the fix was in. If the husband called, I was rolling pennies.
At the top of the stairs, I opened the door, and the kid walked in, all cocky like, sort of like he wasn't a raging virgin. I let him. He was kind of cute in a two-legged sort of way. He turned and looked at me, his eyes fixed on my tits.
I have to tell you, I have nice tits. There are four, two in each row, and the way that boy was looking at them, you'd think his mother weaned him too soon. She probably did, the bitch.
"What's your name, honey?" I asked, as I unbuttoned my boustier. He watched my hands like a dying man. Maybe he was. Who knew? I would be if I never got laid.
"Skywalker. Luke Sk-Skywalker." As each row of buttons went away, a tit popped out. The nipples... my husband calls them his favorite little red noses, the asshole... were standing at attention and, as I checked him out, his own personal hose was too.
This could be fun.
The boustier dropped to the floor and the next thing I knew, I was on my back and he was going to town on my chest. Lips, hands, tongues, all over the place. I liked it.
The husband, old once a week whether I need it or not, was never this passionate even on the joining night. The bastard.
Anyway, this kid is all over me. I pulled his white shirt off and a metallic thing fell on the floor. He lifted his face from my multitude of bosoms and looked at it as it rolled under a chair.
"What was that?" I asked, as he levered himself between all four of my legs.
"My light saber," he huffed.
I snorted. It looked like a cylindrical battery. But, I was getting horny so I decided to humor him.
"OOooOOOO, baby, show me your light saber. Your *personal* light saber."
He just took a deep breath and disappeared into my chest again. He sort of started to hump me and I thought, fuck it. If I wanted a total wipe, I would fuck the husband. So, I pulled him up and held him with two of my hands.
"Look, kid, its clear that you're new at this so, here's what we do. Get naked. Now."
The kid looked like he wanted to argue and then he nodded. I set him down and "Luke" began to get naked. Fast.
Nice legs, for a guy with only two. Nice chest, hairless and muscular, for a wimpy 'noid. He had a dick that bobbed in the air, hard and red, with two cute little hairy balls underneath. I almost laughed. When this boy came, it must be the smallest eruption ever recorded. Even the husband had a bigger arrangement than that. However, my face was fixed in an admiring stare. After all, I am a professional. In my business, nothing will cut off the flow of a man's dick faster than a belly laugh.
Taking off my long skirt, I stood with my back to him. My long legs gleamed and my ass, the one my husband calls nsl'tta, was as perfect as you could find. Bending over deliberately, I flashed my asshole at him, you know, the way my kind do to get their mate's attention.
The boy just stood there, waiting like, as I watched him between my legs.
Hmmmmmm. Maybe 'noids *were* different, like my friend, Sophie, said. "They are different, Babo," she said, as she painted her six inch nails red.
Standing up, I was suddenly enveloped in nice arms as a nice dick pressed against my asshole. Now we're getting somewhere, I thought with a grin, and I started to bend over for him. He was hanging on, sucking on my neck, and next thing you know, he was hanging up there, his feet completely off the ground.
Hmmmmmm. This didn't work. So, I turned around, letting him lose himself in the region of my chest and waited. After a moment, I rubbed my own groin against him. He froze and groaned, his head stuck between two of my boobs.
Looking up, he caught my smile and then he kissed one of my mouths. It was weird. I hate kissing. It really grosses me out. However, this was a virgin and I was a professional. I was going to be big about it. After all, the customer was always right.
For several minutes he kissed, up and down my face, sucking on my lips. I have to tell you, I was aching to fuck. I could tell he was too. So, I ground against him again. That is when he noticed it.
"Oh, my god!"
He let go and jumped back, staring at my crotch with huge eyes. I stared down and noticed how nice I looked. Then, I realized he was not aware that I had a dick too.
"Look, Luke, relax. It's just like yours. Only bigger."
"Yeah! I was expecting... I mean, you got tits!"
"Yeah," I said, patting them. "Nice ones too. Do you know how many times I have to lift weights in a week to keep them that way?"
"But, you have a dick!"
"Yeah."
"*But*, you have *tits* and a *dick*!"
"Yeah," I said, patiently. "Didn't you know that?" Dumb kid.
"*Hell no*?! How can I fuck you when you have a dick?"
"The same way you fuck anyone. You put it in my ass and pump. Do I have to draw you a diagram?" This was one really dumb kid.
He stopped, naked and hard, and thought. I am sure he was weighing how to get out of this but I was horny and I wanted my money. I was going to fuck this punk if I had to sit on his face.
"You, um... I don't want to insult you or anything, Babo, but, I'm not sure I can."
"Of course you can. Unless you're chicken."
Men! No matter how many heads they have or how many legs they don't have, they are ruled by their dicks. He got flushed and I knew I had him.
"Turn around and bend over. I'll show you who's chicken."
I grinned on half of my mouths as I turned and bent over. I felt him walk behind me and grab my hips. I was giving him the most perfect ass he would ever have, the little punk. He had better do his duty.
"Uh, do you have some sort of lube or something? I think you need one."
"I self lube, you little asshole. Do me. Unless you're chicken." I taunted him. Sophie told me that they think they are really giving it to you hard, but she could have played cards during the last 'noid trick she had. I wanted him to make me feel it too.
He gripped me and after a moment, shoved in. I smiled. My old man's digit finger was bigger than this guy's dick. I shoved back and heard a strangled sound. He was sheathed. I grabbed his hands and pulled him tight around me.
"You okay, baby?" I taunted him. "I'm not hurting you, am I?"
He was pissed. He began to pump like I was some sort of bellows and he was the hot air. For a long, interesting moment he pumped and then he came. I guess you could call it that. He jerked and then he drooped out of me.
I sighed and looked down at my own dick. It hung there at half mast. The story of my life.
I straightened and turned. Luke was pulling his clothes on and when he was done, he picked up his 'light saber' and turned, handing me the money. I grinned.
"You want a receipt?"
He paused, his face flushing. He was kinda sweet.
"Thanks."
"Don't mention it."
With that, he turned and slunk out of the room. I sat down and stared at my dick, thinking how sad it looked laying there all by itself. So, I jerked myself off and went downstairs again.
Outside at about the same time...
"There you are!"
A young man ran across the street, joining a chastened "Jedi" on the sidewalk, in front of a rundown bar.
"Where have you been!? I've been looking all over for you!"
"Its a long story, Luke," Han Solo said, as he slipped the cylindrical power cell into his pocket.
"Did you get the battery?" Luke Skywalker asked his disheveled partner as they began to walk down the street toward the spaceport.
"Yeah, kid," Han Solo answered, tugging his pants farther up. "I got it all right."
In another place in town, four hours later...
Babo Jiggs finished his/her diary and closed it, noting that it was nearly two am in the morning. He/she sighed, peering over his/her shoulder at the big slob asleep in their bed, snoring like a Xsantr.
Rising and turning out the light, he/she walked over and slipped into bed, noting that, once again, the husband's hand settled on a boob.
That man, he/she thought, smiling. Even asleep he can't keep his hands off of me. With a sigh of contentment from all four of his/her mouths, Babo Jiggs, wife/husband of 'the husband', hermaphrodite barperson and part time whore at Logo Jake's Bar, slipped into sleep once again.
Finis. Thank god. :0)