Disclaimer: Voyager and
her crew belong to Paramount what I chose to do with them is my own.
Authors Note: This one's a touch sad and I might not suggest reading it if you're
depressed.
I look up at him. "What?" He asks.
I look away I can't say it. "You looked like you were about to say
something." He says when I glance back at him. I bury my face in my arms.
I can't do this, how can I do this.
"Why did it have to change?" I ask.
I don't think he really understands. Those word could refer to so many things. "When
did it change?" I ask looking up at him again, there tears are gathering
in my eyes I'm going to cry.
"What is it?" He asks hugging me
gently. I duck my head back down to my arms.
Maybe it'll be all right. Maybe I don't have
to do this. 'Stop it.' I tell myself. 'You know this is what you have to do. No
more putting it off.' The tears are running down my cheeks, gathering in a fold
of my sleeve.
"It's all right." He tries to
comfort me.
"No it isn't all right." I say grabbing
the labels of his jacket, shaking him once. "We aren't all right."
I see the realization dawn. His eyes close
against it, his fist clenches in pain. I wrap my arms around him. "I'm
sorry." I say so softly I barely hear myself. More tears now I'm crying
but I still have a little control. I never wanted to hurt him. I didn't think
it meant so much to him.
We sit like that for a long time wrapped in
each others arms thinking our own thoughts. I'm crying, he doesn't but it's a
near thing. Eventually we pull apart. "I'm sorry." I say again. He
sort of nods not really looking at me. I hug him again, quickly, then sit back.
He swipes at one eye just in case there's a tear. "I'm touched." I
say quietly. It isn't sarcastic, I really am touched he'd almost lose his
composure over me, I never expected it.
"You're going to be a hard habit to
break." I murmur.
"And you aren't?" It's a bit of his
usual self, but not quite all there. What have I done? I hurt him. God, how
could I hurt him?
"And you are going to have to learn to
get along with out me." I say affectionately. I do still care about him,
it just isn't the way it was when we got together. He nods, with a bit of a
smile. "We didn't quite make two years." I say softly.
"No." He says simply. We just sit
for awhile. The alarm goes, duty. Thank gods not in the same place today.
Quickly I hug him, press a light kiss to his lips. One last time.
As soon as I'm out of sight I lose it.
Sobbing. Oh my god what have I done. What have I done. I call to say I'll be a
bit late. I've been behaving lately so it's accepted without question. I walk
for a while. What have I done? I don't believe I did it. 'You did what you had
to.' I tell myself over and over. It calms me down a little. Finally I think I
might be able to handle work. I go in that direction but I take the long way.
Flashes of our relationship flash before me. Us holding hands early on, or
kissing later, or wrapped in a warm embrace. 'No more.' I tell myself, and very
nearly loose it again. 'You did what you had to." I tell myself again.
Pausing in the corridor trying to compose myself. I know it's hopeless I know
my eyes are red and swollen, but there's nothing I can do about it.
It would have come eventually, it was
inevitable. But it doesn't make it any easier.