Disclaimer: Voyager and her crew belong to Paramount
what I chose to do with them is my own.
We sat together for lunch. People stared...
they all seemed to think just because we'd broken up that we couldn't be
friends any more. We were laughing. I touch his arm it's just habit. He hardly
seems to notice.
It was very all much as it was two years ago
before we got together. That thought caused a twinge. I missed him. Sometimes
he still moves to put his arm around me another habit, then he'll remember and
drop it back to his side. It hurts every time, but I don't know if it hurts for
me or for him.
Had I been right? Maybe I hadn't. Maybe I'd
put us through all this pain for nothing. I'd sit in my quarters at night and
think about him... I thought it was just missing his presence after two years
of having him around. But what if it's more what if I still want him need him.
What if I was wrong? Then again what if I'm just being weak and I was right.
Now sitting so close to him I want to lean in
to his strong arms. To say 'I'm sorry I was an idiot, I was wrong please
forgive me.' And he would. I know he would. Finally I rise make an excuse about
have to do something before getting back to the bridge. I have to go, if I stay
I'll be at his feet begging him to take me back, to forgive me for hurting him.
Sitting at the conn, I want to turn and face
him, quietly comm him... something. I miss him. I want him to hold me. To kiss
me.
Oh Gods... I screwed up again.
'Yes you did.' My heart tells me in a scream.
'No, no, you did the right thing.' My mind
soothes.
'Why can't you decide?' Another part of me
wails.
I manage to regain some semblance of calm, to
actually pay attention to what I'm doing. But still thoughts wander through my
mind, alternately telling me I'm right, or wrong. Some point out I wasn't
really happy when I was with him... I was always thinking I wanted out. Then
other thoughts point out, I'm always happy around him now... I feel as I'm
glowing. Then when we're apart again the glow fades, and I just feel lonely no
matter how many other people I'm with.
Oh Gods... what do I do now...