I Don't...

Disclaimer: Paramount is god... I just borrow their wonderful creations. The ideas however are all mine.

Once again no betas have touched this....


Do you believe in love at first sight? I do I fell in love with Chakotay the first time I saw him in that terrible bar. But in the Maquis there's precious little free time. What time you do manage to secure for yourself; you generally used to sleep.

I had hoped Voyager would turn out to be a second chance. I was planning my escape from the moment Janeway outlined her silly little plan to me. I wouldn't helped her catch him had she offered me a full pardon instead of just help with a lousy out mate review. Like I needed help with those. I might have had my attitude but I was a model prisoner.

Things didn't exactly work out they way I planned. They way any of us planned. Not me, the Captain, Starfleet, or The Caretaker.

I won't say the Delta quadrant hasn't been a second chance for me. It has. I'm free, I'm flying, and I'm a Lieutenant for gawds sake. I have new friends who don't care about my past.

But Chakotay. No second chance there. Not that I really had a first. None of it matters. Over time his hatred of me cooled. I can see he will never be more then a distant friend. He started to get along with me because he knew he had to. Now I think there is a genuine bit of friendship there. Albeit a small bit. He will never let me close. Never trust me. Well except my flying. He trusts that.

It hurts. To know that I will never be able to win him over. Never overcome his first impressions of my past and me. He will never forgive my past. Not the past that the fleeters hate me for. The accident joining the Maquis. Oh no… it's a much worse sin then that. The one I couldn't have changed anyway. Being born a Starfleet brat.

What can I say? I wish I wasn't. It would be lie. I loved it. Reveled in the experiences of growing up shipboard. It wasn't until my teens that Dad was assigned to Earth. Let me tell you that was a shocker. One planet simply couldn't hold my attention. I started getting in trouble just to alive the boredom.

So as soon as I was old enough I joined the Fleet. Not because of Family duty or anything like that. I just needed to get back in to space. And the rest is history.

So here I am. In space, 70,000 light-years from home. But really that doesn't bother me. What's the Alpha quadrant done for me lately anyway?

Everything is pretty darn good. Except the matter of Chakotay. Sometimes I wish I could get over him and find someone else. But who? No one else holds the appeal. Captain Kathryn. No. For one I suspect she slept with my father. Starfleet Captains are hardly known for their fidelity after all. Harry… no I need him as a friend so much more. B'Elanna… well she's amazing. But I know I'm no match for a Klingon temper. One of the twins. Well Starfleet is inbred enough I think. Gerron's too young. And Ayala too in love with Gerron.

So it's Chakotay. I'm learning to accept watching from a distance. The happily single like isn't all that bad. You stop really looking at anyone that way. And you never look too hard or too long at the one you really want. Because if you do you might convince yourself that something between you might actually be possible. And I have to believe it's impossible. Because if I thought it were possible and just not happening I think I might go a bit mad.

So I don't. I don't believe. I don't really look. I don't let myself feel what I'm sure could be a wonderful love.


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