Disclaimer: I'm not rich enough to buy the rights for the Ghostbusters, alas.
It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault.
That's what Mom said, anyway. She said it wasn't my fault when Dad left, either, that it was just that she and Dad didn't love each other any more, that people change. She said he still loved me, and that it wasn't my fault he left. But he went anyway, and if he stopped loving mom, maybe he stopped loving me, too. He doesn't come to see me. He's got a new wife and a new little boy. I'm very smart. I get good grades in school. Mom might say it's not my fault, but I think maybe it is.
The other kids don't like me, either. So maybe something's wrong with me. I told that to Mom today and she hugged me and cried. I always act like I'm too big for her to hug me, but it felt kind of nice.
I thought I was finally somebody special. I was an auxiliary Ghostbuster, that's what I was. The other kids would like me and let me play with them, and they'd be so impressed. But I screwed up on the bust, and Peter yelled at me and told me to go away. And then they all drove off and left me. Mom said that wasn't my fault, either. She said I should have stayed with the car like Peter told me and that he was only yelling because he'd be scared, like the time she yelled at me when I climbed out onto the roof and nearly fell. She yelled and hugged me at the same time when I did that, so I guess when she does it, she means it. She was mad because she was worried. But Peter was fed up with me and that's why he yelled. Like Dad was when he went away.
"Kenny? Got a minute?"
The Ghostbusters are doing neat things with their equipment, to make sure the ghost is gone for good and that the old Hollowell place is safe. General Hollowell's ghost, or maybe something a lot nastier. Boy, that would show the kids! No matter what they said, I'd stuck it out. Peter said they couldn't have done it without me, but maybe he was just being nice.
"Sure, Peter."
He sat down with me on the steps and he put his arm around my shoulders. I kind of liked that, because he was acting man to man, like I was somebody more than 'just Fenderman' like the other kids say when I come around. That'd show Willie and the others. Cindy would think he was terrific.
"You did good tonight, Kenny," he told me. "I was proud of you. You were brave. A real man."
I ducked my head. "I was...kinda scared," I admitted reluctantly. Even if Peter sent me away this afternoon, I didn't want to tell him a lie. You don't lie to people you look up to.
Peter smiled down at me. "You know what, Kenny? So was I."
I stared at him. "You? No you weren't. You're a Ghostbuster. You and the other Ghostbusters are the best. You're heroes. Heroes are always brave."
He looked away. Did I say something I shouldn't? Then he looked back, and, gosh, I thought maybe his eyes had tears in them. Heroes didn't cry, did they?
"Kenny, I'm not a hero. I'm just a guy who screwed up bad. I shouldn't have given you the EAE. If I'd listened to Egon in the first place, I would have known it was dangerous. I nearly got you killed."
"But it saved the day. It beat that mean ghost. It wasn't dangerous for me, just for the ghost."
He was quiet a minute, and I knew that look on his face. I've seen it on grown-ups' faces before. They think kids'll be scared so they hate to tell them things. Kids aren't stupid. We know what looks like that mean. Mom looked like that when I nearly got hit by that car last year and she didn't want me to go on thinking about it. She thinks I'll have nightmares if I think about bad things. She's trying to protect me. Peter was, too. And that made me feel good, because he wouldn't do that if he didn't like me.
So I said, "You didn't know it was dangerous. You were being nice."
"When I found out it could explode, I went nuts. I knew we had to find you. I couldn't let anything happen to you."
"You got here in time," I said. "We beat that old ghost." I touched his arm. "It's okay, Peter."
"It's not okay. I really screwed up with you. I thought...okay, I thought it was a hoot to have somebody look up to me like you did. I guess I wanted to show off on the bust and have you think I really was a great guy." His voice was kind of slow and awkward, like it was hard to say that. Grown-ups didn't usually sound like that, and I was a little bit scared about it, but I felt good, too. Peter had wanted me to like him. That meant he must have liked me.
"Mom says you got mad at me after the bust because you were worried about me," I said in a little voice. I wanted him to say he was. If he said he was mad just because I hadn't obeyed him, I'd feel bad.
"Your mom's right, Kenny. I had no right to take you on that bust. It was just too dangerous. Egon and Ray and Winston and I, we're trained. We're grown-ups and we know how to bust ghosts. But you're not trained. Your mother has every right to be furious with me because I risked your life. I was so mad at you because I was really mad at me. Because I screwed up bad. Do you understand that?"
"I...guess so. But you told me not to come in. I just thought maybe I could help...."
"I know." His arm tightened around my shoulders for a minute. "I guess I forgot what it's like to be a kid. And I'm not a dad, so I haven't had any practice with kids for a long time. I should've known you'd want to help. If I'd been your age, I'd've done the very same thing. Probably done something worse. My mom used to say I was a 'holy terror' when I was your age."
"Really?" It was hard to imagine Peter as a little boy who got into trouble with his mom. Grown-ups don't usually like to do fun things or get into trouble with the other kids. But Peter had grown up to be a hero, even if he said he wasn't one. Maybe I could, too.
"Yeah, really. Someday, when you've got your own little boy, you can tell him about the things you did. How you helped us save New York tonight."
"Oh boy, did I really?"
"You really did." He squeezed my shoulders again. "Kenny, your mom might not want you to come over anymore, but if she says it's okay, you can come. You're still a member in good standing of the Ghostbusters Auxiliary. You just can't come on any more busts with us."
I scuffed my toe in the dust. "Yeah, I figured that." I didn't tell him, but I really didn't think I was ready to be a Ghostbuster, at least not yet. Maybe in a year or two I'd be big enough. If I visited and learned about it, maybe I'd get old enough to go with them again. Because that ghost tonight had really been scary.
"Kenny, it's okay to have been scared." Gosh, how did he know what I was thinking? Could all grown-ups do that? "All of us, we get scared on busts. You said heroes were brave. Well, that makes you a hero, Kenny. Because you were really brave tonight."
I shook my head hard and looked down at my feet. "No I wasn't. I was so scared I was shaking." Maybe I couldn't have told that to my dad, but I could tell Peter.
"So was I," he said. "I was scared for me, and I was really scared for you. But you can be scared and brave at the same time. You want to know a secret? If you're not scared, it doesn't take courage to face something scary. You're only brave if you're afraid--and do it anyway."
"You're just making that up."
He shook his head so hard that the curl that flipped down over his forehead bounced. "Kenny, you're a smart kid with a great imagination. You go home and you look up 'bravery' in the dictionary. And I betcha it doesn't say that you don't have it if you're afraid. Courage is facing what you fear and doing the right thing anyway. And that's what you did tonight."
"Really?"
"Cross my heart and hope to die." He drew a big cross over his chest. "The guys think you did great tonight. Course they also think I'm pond scum for getting you into trouble. I'm too big to get a spanking, but they'll probably make me sit in the corner when I get home."
I put my hand over my mouth so I wouldn't laugh out loud. "My mom doesn't spank me," I said. "She doesn't make me sit in the corner, either. She just grounds me." I groaned. "What time is it, anyway?"
Peter looked at his wristwatch. "It's nearly seven a.m."
"You mean I stayed out all night? I'll be grounded until I'm fifteen."
"Maybe I can come over and talk to your mom for you. Do you think that would help?"
"Gosh, would you?"
"I sure would. The guy's'll make me. That'll be my punishment. Your mom is going to be soooo mad at me."
And me, too. But she'd be mad because she was scared. But that wouldn't help a lot when she yelled at me. Only I knew I'd have to be brave and face that. If I was going to be a hero when I grew up, I had to get started being brave right now, so I'd be ready when I was old enough to be a real Ghostbuster, just like Peter.
"And you know what else, Kenny," Peter said. "We're about ready to go, and I just looked out the window. Your friends who dared you to come in here are waiting outside. They don't think you stayed here, but we'll show 'em. After all, you're in the Ghostbusters auxiliary. We'll let 'em know how you helped us save the city?"
"Really?" Peter was absolutely the greatest!
"Ready to face 'em?" He asked. "You go out and meet 'em and we'll come out and lay it on thick for you. And every word of it true, too."
I nodded. "You bet."
He gave my shoulders a squeeze and it felt great. It felt like...a dad. The way a dad was supposed to be.
I jumped up and headed for the door. "Thanks, Peter," I yelled and grabbed for the doorknob.
"That was nice, Peter," Egon said behind me in a low voice so I wouldn't hear, but I did. I tugged at the door for a minute before I opened it so I could hear what Peter said back.
"He's a great kid," said Peter. And he meant it....
"Do you think you could introduce me to them?" Willie asked as the Ghostbusters got into Ecto-1. "Huh, Kenny?"
"We'll see," I told him, just the way Peter would have said it. And I raised my hand to wave as the Ghostbusters drove away.
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