"Stop doing what, Ray?" Egon purred.
"Stop making out in the bunkroom when the others are away."
"Well," Egon replied, propping himself up on one elbow to look at his partner dreamily, "I suppose we could start making out on the couch instead, if it would make you feel better."
"Egon..."
"The lab?"
"Egon," Ray said with a bit more force than before, "I wasn't talking about our location..."
"So you want to make out while the others are here? I suppose the threat of having someone walk in on us while we're intimate would add an element of excitement to the experience. How about tomorrow morning before anyone else is awake?"
Ray shook his head sadly at his dense friend, "No, Egon, I meant that maybe we should stop making out at all!"
"What!?"
Egon bolted upright with surprise, almost throwing off the blanket that served exclusively to cover their naked bodies. He gave Ray a look of abject shock and horror, as if the other man had just suggested that he castrate himself with a butterknife.
"Why," Egon pleaded, "Why would you suggest such a thing? Was it something I did? Have I been inadequate for your needs in our encounters?" As an afterthought, he rumbled invitingly, "I could always work on improving my performance..."
"It's not that," Ray said, smiling slightly, "Not that at all. It's just...Janine."
"What about her?"
"Well, she's kinda got a thing for you..."
"I am aware of that."
"You've been dating her..."
"What of it?"
"The two of you have sex on a regular basis..."
"Yes?"
"You promised yourself to her and no other for all time and eternity..."
"So?"
"Egon," Ray said, exasperated, "You married her last month!"
"I fail to see what relevancy that has to the two of us getting together enjoy one another's company every now and again."
Ray couldn't help but smile at that, "Several times a week is 'every now and again,' Egon?"
"Well, we are very good friends, correct?"
The "very good friend" just laughed and rolled his eyes. Egon really was hopeless when it came to things like this. It was probably best to just let it go. After all, it wasn't really that big a deal and he could certainly put up with a few more encounters with a man who could call him "pleasantly plump" and really mean it.
Unfortunately for Egon, he was nowhere near as hopeless when it came to relationships as Ray had thought. His friend's comments had gotten him thinking, which had more than once proven to be one of his more dangerous hobbies, and a few minutes after he had gotten out of bed he had begun to wonder if perhaps Ray had a point. Once he had finished sampling of his wife's talents, he even began to feel slight pangs of guilt about having kept Janine in the dark about it for so long.
"Dear," he started slowly, staring at the ceiling, "I was wondering about something..."
"What is it?" she asked softly, curled up against his body.
"Well, I was just thinking...how would you feel if I, ah, had an...encounter with another man?"
"Whatcha mean, 'encounter?'"
He coughed nervously, "I mean, maybe, having an intimate encounter of some sort..."
"Intimate?"
"Yes, you know, I and another man getting very close to one another, stripped of the restrictive barriers of clothing, our hot, muscled bodies moving over one another passionately, over and over again, free to deeply explore the forbidden pleasures of Man...that sort of thing."
Janine was silent for a moment before finally coming up with an answer.
"Well, I suppose that would be okay, if I got to watch..."
Egon's eyes got wide as he quickly turned to face his wife.
"Are you sure!?"
"Yeah," she smiled gently, "Why not? You could even make it an anniversary gift or something."
"You may consider it done," he said excitedly as he leapt from the bed and began pulling on a pair of pants.
Now it was Janine's turn to be surprised, "Honey...you don't have to-"
"Don't worry about me, Janine," he said hurriedly as he headed for the door, "For you, no sacrifice is too great!" He was already envisioning to himself the varied methods he intended to use on his partner for his first time with an audience as he walked out into the hallway.
Janine sighed and grabbed her bathrobe. Something told her that things were about to get very interesting around the firehouse.
"Peter!"
The psychologist yelped, recognizing Egon's voice instantly, and immediately shoved his Playboy under his bed before his visitor saw the Ghostbusters' Secretary Tells (And Bares) It All! headline that adorned its cover. That done, he stood up from his bed in the bunkroom and smiled at the shirtless physicist casually.
"Egon," he said smoothly, "What brings you back to the bachelors' side of town?" Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the redheaded Mrs. Spengler enter the room as well in a bathrobe. However, the tall blond bearing down on him purposefully was a far more pressing concern at the moment.
"Peter," Egon stated factually, "Come with me. You and I are going to have a homosexual intimate encounter and Janine's going to watch. It's my anniversary gift to her. No use trying to argue, so just come on and get it over with."
"What!?" Peter screamed. Not much surprised him about Dr. Spengler anymore, but this particular offer managed it nicely.
"You're not getting out of it, Peter, so just stop screaming and come with me."
"But why!?"
"I feel obliged to provide Janine with any pleasure she wants and you happen to be the nearest available male suited to the task."
"Hey, you may be obliged to do this kind of thing for her, but in case you hadn't noticed I'm not involved with Janine!"
"Your point being?"
Peter thought about the situation for a while, images from his magazine running through his head. Finally, he decided on an appropriate solution.
"All right, Egon," he said in his best bartering tones, "I'll do it, but only if I get to sleep with her afterwards. It's only fair, after all."
"Very well," Egon nodded, "That sounds perfectly reasonable to me."
"What!?"
Egon turned around to look at Janine, who apparently didn't think that Peter's proposal was all that great or reasonable. Calmly, he walked over to her and placed his hands reassuringly on her shoulders.
"Janine," he said in sensible tones, "In a successful marriage, both partners have to be willing to make sacrifices. It's only fair."
"But Egon..."
"I'm not asking anything more of you than I am willing to do myself."
She sighed heavily, "Well, I do want this marriage to work...and I-I suppose just once wouldn't hurt..."
It was at that point that Ray, having just finished hiding the Ghostbusters' Dr.V X-posed! headline of his own magazine, bounded into the room excitedly.
"Hey guys," he said, looking from Peter's self-satisfied smirk to Egon's carefully controlled expression and Janine's somewhat apprehensive state, "What's everybody doing? Can I join in, too?"
"I don't see why not," Egon said happily, "Will the same conditions as Peter be all right with you?"
"What are they?"
"Sex with me while Janine watches in exchange for sex with Janine."
"Wow, that sounds great, count me in! Gosh Egon, this is gonna be fun!"
Egon smiled as he though of it. The three of them, together like never before, close as they were meant to be, sharing themselves completely...all exclusively for Janine's benefit, of course. And though she had gone wide-eyed and silent with shock once Ray had been added to the roster, Egon was certain that she approved just as much as he did.
However, before he even had the chance to find out what Mrs. Spengler's feelings on the subject were, there was a knock on the doorframe to the bunkroom. All present turned to see Winston standing at the threshold of the room, looking at the group of them as if they were the oddest things he had ever seen in his life. Which they were, but usually he wasn't so obvious about that fact.
"I'm almost afraid to ask," he said, looking around at the group, "But what precisely are you all doing?"
Peter smiled and replied as if it were an everyday experience, "Homosexual orgy. And you're helping."
"No I'm not," Winston replied quickly, looking more than a little disturbed.
"Yes you are," Peter replied with total confidence, "It's in your contract."
"Excuse me?"
"It's Section 15: the 'If Everybody Jumped Off a Cliff, Would You Do It Too?" clause. According to your contract, anytime 'everybody' is us three, the answer is always 'yes.'"
"You're kidding."
"Nope, 'fraid not."
"I knew I shoulda read that thing before I signed it."
"Aw, cheer up Winston," Ray said, trying to cheer up the disgruntled black man, "It'll be fun, I promise."
Winston looked sidelong at the happy man before asking, "Just who all's in on this thing, anyway?"
"Me, Egon, Peter, and you," Ray replied excitedly, "Janine's gonna watch, and me and Peter get to fool around with her afterward!"
"I don't believe this," Winston shook his head, "I 'get' to mess around a bunch of guys and everybody else gets to mess around with Janine..."
Peter snapped his fingers and stomped his foot in frustration.
"He's got us there guys, we're all doing Janine so I'm afraid we're gonna have to let him do her too."
There was a loud thud as Janine finally gave in and fainted dead away in the middle of the room.
"Look at her," Egon said fondly, "She just couldn't handle the joy at finding out she's going to see the four of us...together...over and over and over..." He stood there completely enthralled by his own imaginings for a moment before suddenly snapping back to reality.
"We'd best carry her into our bedroom so that we may begin," he said, moving toward his unconscious wife. Before he could take more than a step, however, Peter bounded in front of him to the fallen woman.
"Don't worry big guy," he said as he knelt down beside her, "I'll take care of that!" He immediately reached out and grabbed her.
Egon looked at the psychologist oddly for a second.
"Peter, surely you don't mean to pick her up by those?"
"Of course not! I'm just checking to see if she's all right."
"Oh. Well, is she?"
"Ohhhhh yeah!"
At the doorway, Winston just slumped his shoulders in resignation.
"The things I do for this job..."
Janine sighed. The small voice in her head that had told her things were going to get "interesting" had severely underestimated the guys. Calling this interesting was like saying Egon was slightly unusual. However, there didn't seem to be any way out of it without hurting poor Egon's feelings, and she just couldn't bring herself to do that to her husband. After all, he was just so very excited at the prospects of putting on a show for her-at least, she hoped that was why he was so excited-and she couldn't say that the idea of watching this particular "show" was without its own particular attractions.
Of course, then there was the whole matter of "paying" the guys for services rendered...
She sighed again and settled back into the pillows and blankets she was nestled in on the bed she shared with Dr. Spengler. Best to just enjoy the show and worry about the rest later. Besides, given who her "performers" were, things were certain to be entertaining at the least.
The four Ghostbusters were standing in front of the bed, an area which thankfully enough had plenty of floor space, preparing themselves to get down to business in a very literal fashion.
"So," Winston said awkwardly, "Uh, have any of you guys done this sort of thing before? 'Cause I sure haven't."
"Not me."
"Nothing of quite this sort, no."
"I have!"
Everybody stopped and stared at Ray in disbelief.
"Just once," he explained sheepishly, "To see if I'd like it."
Peter shook his head, "Why does this not surprise me?"
"All right Ray," Winston said with a resigned sigh, "Since you're the only one with any experience at this, what do we do next?"
"Well, I think it might be a good idea to start with everyone getting naked."
"Get naked? For an orgy? I never would have guessed!"
"Real cute, Peter...keep that up and I'll make you the orgy's Spanking Boy."
"There is no such thing!"
Ray grinned, "Maybe, maybe not. Can you disprove me?"
Peter grumbled something about abusing the position of Orgy Leader as he began pulling off his shirt. The others followed suit, peeling off clothing until all that was left were four men standing around in front of Janine in their underwear. It was at this point that Peter grinned maniacally and motioned for the others to wait a moment.
"Okay, guys," he said, hooking his thumbs in his final remaining article of clothing, "On the count of three...one...two...show 'em!"
In unison, all four men flipped away their final vestiges of clothing.
"Whoa, Egon, I'm sorry but you've just been disqualified."
"Why!?"
"You're offsides, buddy! Can't compete if you're gonna jump the gun like that!"
"It's an autonomic biological reaction, Peter, you can't expect me to-"
"Hey, none of the rest of us are having that problem! Now on to our remaining contestants...ooh, sorry Ray, it's not bad but it doesn't look like you quite measure up to Dr. P over here."
"It's not how big it is," Ray countered, "It's how you use it."
"Most definitely, Ray," Egon rumbled knowingly.
"Be that as it may, 'how you use it' doesn't show up on a visual examination. And as for our last player-Dear God, Winston, how have you been hiding that thing!?"
"Wow!"
"An impressive specimen indeed!"
"Jeez, Winston, no wonder your legs are so strong! That thing's gotta weigh at least ten pounds!"
"Are you all done gawking yet?"
Ray raised his hand, "All in favor of more gawking, say 'I.'"
Four voices said "I" in unison, and Winston spent some more time feeling rather uncomfortably like a slab of meat. Or rather, something attached to a slab of meat. Finally, Peter spoke up again.
"All right, that's enough of that, what's next on the orgy itinerary, Ray?"
"Well, since we're all naked, I guess we should start going at it now."
"Makes sense. Well, come on everybody...you too, Big Winston, no sneaking away on us now."
"Come on Peter, doesn't getting stared at for five minutes count for the contract?"
"Not even close."
"I shoulda stayed in construction..."
"I believe it would work best if we all got on the ground now."
"Good idea, Egon! Hit the floor, everybody!"
Wham! "Get down here, smart-ass."
"Gee, that's the first time anyone's complimented my intelligence, Winston..."
"Peter, that's not a puppet and you're no ventriloquist!"
"Hey, it worked for Jim Carrey."
"Okay guys, I think it'll work best if Egon gets over here...now Peter, you move over there...and Winston gets right here..."
"Where am I supposed to be, again?"
"No, no, to the left..."
"Is this acceptable, Raymond?"
"Not quite, your arms need to move..."
"I'm just wondering, is this a four-man orgy or just naked Twister? Or is there a difference?"
"Peter, I'm trying to think here!"
"Just asking a question."
"You know, this doesn't seem to be working for us, why don't we just call the whole thing off and order a pizza? Huh?"
"I'm sorry Winston, but I think I owe it to Janine to make sure that we at least make an honest attempt at getting this to work."
"Damn. Can't blame a guy for trying."
"Hmmm...maybe it'll work better if I get in there with you guys...now I'll just set myself right here...Winston, a little to the left...now we need to get this arm out of the way..."
"Right foot blue!"
"Mmph! Could you please try to keep your feet away from my face, Ray?"
"Sorry Egon, but your eyes are the only blue in here!"
"Raymond, you should know better than to encourage him..."
"Say...left foot green!"
"Ow!"
"Left foot green!"
"Ow! Ray, Winston's being mean to me!"
"Just be glad I haven't hit left hook green yet, Peter."
Ray stood up and shook his head, "Guys, I don't think that this is working...I think we need to try something else."
"Any suggestions, Ray? You are the most experienced one among us."
"Well, maybe we could try a little roleplaying? That might get the ball rolling."
"I don't like that analogy one bit..."
"I've got it!"
Peter leapt up from his place in the tangled mass of bodies and dashed out of the room, calling back, "I'll just be one second," as he went. The remaining men looked at each other quizzically.
"Anybody know what he's got in mind?"
"I'm somewhat curious as to that myself."
Suddenly, Peter sprang back into the room, sporting an eye patch and a black hat bearing the skull-and-crossbones insignia on the front.
"Arrr, I be Cap'n Venkbeard, Pirate o' the Orgy, and I've come to plunder yer booty!"
Winston couldn't be sure, but he thought that he had finally done it and actually turned white upon hearing that particular comment. Ray, on the other hand, grinned and jumped between Peter and the others.
"This booty, and that booty, and that booty, all be belongin' t'me, Cap'n Raybeard! If ye want 'em, ye'll have t'go through me first!"
"Ye be challengin' me, then? Very well, Raybeard, I say we be settlin' this like real men...with our swords! Hyah!"
"Ho!"
"Ha!"
"Whiyah!"
"Take that, ye scurvy dog!"
Winston shook his head, "Okay, before I was just weirded out, but now I'm disturbed."
"Hiiii-ya! I told you it was how you used it that counts, Venkbeard! Ready to surrender yet?"
"Aye, ye may be a better fighter with yer sword than I, Raybeard, but there's just one thing..."
"And what's that?"
"In the heat of battle, ye've left the booty unprotected!"
"Oh no!"
"Egon, why's he running over-Eeeyaugh! Peter, what are you doing?"
"Cap'n Venkbeard be plunderin' the booty!"
"Must you!?"
"Hey, if I'm going to be in this thing, this is the end I wanna be on!"
"This is just wrong..."
"Methinks the Big Winston doth complain too much..."
"Could you at least-Waaahh?!"
"Woah, Spengs...I want one of those after him!"
"Mmph."
"Hey! Cap'n Raybeard will not be left bootyless!"
"Hello!"
Ray took a long drag off his cigarette, completely relaxed and immensely satisfied. Now that was how it was supposed to be done. Life was very, very good.
"Hey, Ray," Peter said amusedly, "That's a filthy habit, you know. For shame!"
"Come on, Dr. Venkman," Janine chided him from her place on the bed, "Even I needed a cigarette after that one, and not only do I not smoke, I was only watching!"
"Yeah, yeah," Peter responded, unconcerned, "Everybody's got an excuse...I suppose you two are gonna want one next, eh?"
"Nah," Winston said contentedly as he snuggled closer to Egon, "I got everything I need right here..." Egon smiled and ran his fingers through Winston's hair affectionately as the other man looked up at him happily.
"You crazy kids, you," Peter smiled and shook his head, then adding thoughtfully, "Though I've got to admit, it was quite an experience..."
"You bet you have to admit that," Ray chided him playfully, "There's no way you can deny that you were loving it when you got your bread buttered!"
"I suppose you've got a point there," Peter said with mock-reluctance, "But you've got to admit, for someone who doesn't do this very often, I sure am good at glazing the doughnut and tossing on the sprinkles."
"Indeed," Egon agreed from the corner he and Winston had made their own, "For an initiate, you are rather good. Though you're still not very skilled at baking the bread for the Twinkie and wrapping it up to ship out."
"Yeah," Winston nodded up at Egon, "And he's nowhere near as good as you are when it comes to taking those two all-beef patties, throwing on the special sauce, spreading in some lettuce and cheese, then bringing up the pickles and onions and putting it on that sesame-seed bun..."
"Thank you Winston. And I'm certain that if you practiced, you could be even better than Ray at dropping the engine and throwing in a wash at the drive-thru window than I am."
"Do you really think so? I mean, I had trouble taking the order and giving exact change last time..."
"Hey now you two," Peter waggled a finger at Egon and Winston, "You better watch out or you're gonna have us going back down that road again. And as fun as it is to grab a wrench and polish the windshield, I really think that we don't need to be getting back together like that right now..." An odd, faraway glint appeared in his eyes as an idea began to form, an idea that he was liking more and more by the second.
"Unless..."
"Oh no," Ray said as he put his cigarette out in the ashtray on the Spenglers' bedstand, "What are you thinking now, Peter?"
"Well," he began, a devious smile on his face, "I was thinking...since we're all here and naked already...and we've all got a walk on the wild side with Janine coming..."
"Hey, that's a great idea," Ray piped up excitedly, "What do you say, Janine?"
"Wait," she said, feeling a little cornered, "You mean, all of you...a-at once?"
"Yeah!"
"Sounds like a plan to me. And remember, I am more experienced with women, and you saw what I'm capable of..."
"Would you really share yourself and your wife with me, Spengie?"
"How on Earth could I refuse someone so adorable, Winnie?"
Janine looked around at the four men with wide eyes. After a few moments of examination, however, she simply shrugged.
"Aw, what the hell? Go for it, guys!"
"Gee, thanks Janine!"
"You won't regret this, babe. Hell, by the time I'm done, you'll be begging for more!"
"Are you prepared, Winston?"
"Take a look down south, blondie; what do you think?"
Before the four men could converge on the bed and their "payment," however, they were interrupted by the loud ring of the telephone that sat on the bedstand along with the ashtray. Out of habit, Janine picked up the receiver.
"Ghostbusters...mm-hm...yeah, so?...whatever, mister."
She hung up the phone and looked up at the others in disbelief.
"That was really weird, guys," she said, shaking her head.
"So who was it?" Ray asked with uncontrolled curiosity.
"Some guy yammerin' on about a ghost or something, like I was supposed to do something about it! Musta been a crank call or something."
"What a jerk," Peter said as he slowly drifted toward the bed, "After a call like that, I've only got one thing to say..."
"And what's that, Dr. Venkman?"
"Dibs!"
Janine yelped, "How about a little warning when you're gonna touch me there!?"
"Peter, that's no fair! I wanted to go there!"
"First come, first served, Ray."
"But you get women all the time!"
"Well, you've got a point there..."
"So does Winston."
"Don't make me use this thing on you, Egon!"
"You can use it on whatever you like, Winston, but this baby's all mine!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Guys! Don't I get any say in this?"
"No."
"No."
"No."
"No."
And so ended another typical day at the firehouse.
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