DISCLAIMER: the obvious stuff
NOTES: May be offensive to those who love slash/smarm.
"The script is here," announced Janine unenthusiastically as she climbed the stairs to the den, carrying a manila envelope.
"Oh, goody, more torture," muttered Peter.
"Branching out into fan fiction was your idea, Peter," Egon reminded him.
"Well, jeez, after they took our show off the air, I had to do something to keep us in the public eye. People were starting to forget we existed. Gotta keep the roof over our heads." He sighed. "Now look what it's turned into."
"Look, what's done is done," Winston said philosophically. "We've just got to take it like men."
"That's what I'm afraid of," replied Peter. "I've had to 'take it like a man' from Egon in the last three stories. I'm still bleeding from it! And, I've been hit on by at least a dozen guys in the New York City Ballet!"
"I don't like it, either, Peter; you're not exactly my idea of a dream date. You think you've got problems?" snapped Egon. "Thanks to all those Mary Sues the writers keep pairing me up with, I'm on penicillin and doxycycline! I keep telling them, I've got a girlfriend, she's there in the canon, but no..."
"Janine, what have we got this time?" asked Ray.
Janine speed read through the script. "Ray, you get whacked on the head by a demon, and spend most of the story with a concussion while Winston stays by your side in the hospital and Egon and Peter comfort each other in the waiting room."
"Another concussion?!" exclaimed Ray. "Cripes, I've had so many of those that I'm starting to..." His sentence drifted off as he got a blank look across his face.
After several moments, the secretary nudged him. "Ray?"
Ray blinked. "I'm sorry, Janine, were you saying something?"
"Just take it easy, Ray, lie down. Maybe we can get them to get you a stunt double," suggested Winston.
"I wish I'd had a stunt double in those last three stories!" muttered Peter, shifting uncomfortably on his donut pillow.
"Same here," agreed Egon, "and one to do those Mary Sues. I would like to spend a little time with my girlfriend." He looked longingly at Janine.
Winston, meanwhile, had taken the script from Janine and skimmed it. "Get a load of my dialogue! 'Great googly moogly,homeboy, ain't no way you be's doin' that!' Why don't they just give me a banjo and have me sing about Mammy fromAlabammy?!"
"Twenty to one, the scriptwriter's white," observed Ray.
"And knows nothing about black culture," agreed Winston. He threw the script down on the table in disgust. Egon picked it up and thumbed through it, with Peter reading over his shoulder.
"Terrific," muttered Peter sourly as he glared at Egon. "Another one where you and I make the Beast With Two Backs."
"Ugh," Egon shuddered, his stomach turning. He turned pleading eyes towards Janine. "Sweetheart, could you maybe talk to these writers, woman to woman? Let them know our feelings about these stories?"
"You're kidding, right?" she moaned. "They hate my guts. They call me a bitch and say I'm 'in the way', whatever that means.When they do put me in the stories, I'm an absolute harridan." Janine sat down on the couch next to Egon, eyes brimming overas she leaned into his arms. "What did I do to deserve this? Why do they treat me this way?" she sobbed into Egon's shoulderas he stroked her hair.
"Because I'm the writer, that's why!" snapped a new voice. The Ghostbusters and Janine looked up at the new arrival, a woman with a copy of the script and a clapper board in hand. "And you bunch are supposed to be downstairs, ready to start the scene, not up here complaining about my wonderful story! Now, march!" She herded them all downstairs, giving them their directions on the way.
"Winston, you're replacing the spark plugs in Ecto-1."
"I did that last week! They're brand new!"
"Fine, just take them out and put them back in again. It's not like anyone cares about what you do," she waved him off. Winston threw her a sour look as he went to get the tool box.
"Ray, you're sitting over by the lockers, reading that Dopey Dog comic out loud to that teddy bear."
"I've read that issue five times already!"
"Read it again!"
"And in case you haven't noticed, I'm a grown man! I'm a little too old to be reading aloud to a teddy bear!"
"I am the writer, and you will do as I say!"
"Fine, whatever," he muttered. "Can I get some aspirin before we start? My head's about to explode." The writer nodded, and Ray went to the first aid kit on the wall.
"Janine, you're sitting at the desk, filing your nails," continued the writer.
"I've been doing that the past four stories," Janine objected, holding up her stubby-nailed hands. "They're down to the quicks! Can't you have me doing something else, like typing up invoices or taking calls?" She pointed to her overflowing in-box and the phone where all the lines were lit up with incoming calls. "I'm way behind on my real work!"
"Just shut up and do what you're told, bitch! It's not like anyone likes you anyway. You're only in the way. Maybe I'll do a story where you're killed off and Peter comforts Egon and makes him realize he never loved you anyway."
Janine looked as though she'd been slapped. Egon stepped forward in her defense. "Now see here--"
"Oh yes," interrupted the writer, "and you and Peter are in Peter's office, having mad, passionate sex on his desk, telling each other that you desperately love each other."
"WE DO NOT!" Peter and Egon replied simultaneously.
"Didn't you see Ghost Busted, or Camping It Up, or Janine You've Changed, or even the original movie? I love Janine! I love her very much!" protested Egon.
"Not if I say you don't! And I say you do not love that bitch! I'm the writer! Understand?" ordered the writer.
"Give me a break, lady," pleaded Peter. "Can't you give me a woman in this story? I haven't had a girlfriend in ages! Didn't you see The Revenge of Murray the Mantis, or A Hard Knight's Day, or Banshee Bake a Cherry Pie, or about a dozen others? I like women! I'm straight!" He had an idea, gulped in the horror of it, then continued, "Look, you can even write yourself in as the woman. I'm willing--"
"I already did that for Egon," she replied. "And I don't have to watch the show to know my characters; I know about you from the fan fiction."
"Then you don't know us very well," stated Egon.
The writer continued as if she hadn't heard. "I write my stories so that you and Egon cannot stand to ever be apart, and you let each other know night and day how much you love each other. Now get to that office!"
Egon swallowed bile, looked apologetically at Janine, then dug a condom out of his wallet and slunk off to the first aid kit to find the K-Y Jelly. Peter stuck his tongue out at the writer and limped off to his office, undoing his belt and swearing under his breath.
"Places, everyone! This is going to be another smash. My little circle of online friends just lap these stories up!" The writer giggled and walked over to her camera crew to show them where to position the cameras.
"Guys, why are we doing this?" inquired Ray. "We don't have to put up with this abuse. Why don't we just tell her to get stuffed?"
Four alarmed faces turned toward him. "What," cried Peter, "and give up show business?!"
END
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