Saw there was a plotbunny jumping around some time back on the list - the RGBs versus Janine's family. Wrote the story with that in mind.
ARCHIVE: If you want to pollute the archive - yes.
DISCLAIMER: The RGBs, their secretary and her family isn't my property. I make no money off them, but spend a lot.
NOTES: English is my second language. I'm glad I'm not
suffering from this alone anymore - hi, Alinaline!
Doctor Egon Spengler, member of the Ghostbusters, had searched through everything on their secretary's desk as well as his coworker's desk behind the filing cabinets. He had made little progress, besides from getting himself covered in dust when rummaging through Doctor Peter Venkman's office. The cabinets, located between the two desks, were in fact the first place he started to look. Nothing under "P" as in "parchment", nothing under "S" as in "scroll", nothing under "M" as in "major disaster". There was nothing left to do. He had to make the call.
A square button on the red telephone came alight as he dialed the number. For a moment he was worried that no one was going to answer.
"Melnitz," Egon heard the strident voice of their secretary. "Is it okay if I call you back? I'm busy."
"No, as a matter of fact - I have to talk to you now," Egon protested. "It's urgent."
"Oh, Egon, it's you," Janine said in a surprised tone at the same time as he heard a crash in the background. "Kevin! You clean that up!"
"Please listen carefully," Egon pledged. "Have you filed a scroll today? I put it on your desk."
"Get back here!" Janine yelled. "Sorry Egon, I didn't hear what you said."
"A scroll," he patiently repeated. "Have you seen it on your desk? Did you file it?"
"No," she answered in an absent voice. "No, I haven't. Can't it wait until tomorrow?"
"It can be of potential danger," Egon objected.
"You put something potentially dangerous on my desk and lost it?" she asked and he couldn't make out if she was a bit angry or just teasing him. He had never been good at making it out eye to eye, so it was even harder over the telephone.
"Your desk is the safest place in the Headquarters," Egon tried. "I wouldn't give it to you if I knew you couldn't handle it."
It sounded a bit lame, but it had to do. Egon felt a droplet of sweat trickle from his forehead.
"I'm having my family over for dinner," she said. "This really isn't the best time..."
Again, she was interrupted by a crash and a boy's laughter. Through Janine's upset commands in the boy's direction, Egon could make out how he was chanting in a singsong voice.
"What's he saying?" Egon asked and pressed the handset to his ear so hard that his knuckles turned white. "Janine, what's the boy reciting?"
"Something in Hebrew. He's taking classes," Janine shortly informed him before she yelled at Kevin to stop at once.
Egon knew that Janine's family was Jewish, so this didn't surprise him.
"You met Kevin, you know he's a brat," Janine snorted. "I really have to hang up now, or he'll make a worse mess of my apartment than your geranium did."
"Wait!" Egon called out. "The scroll!"
"I haven't got it," she repeated. "Well, unless... unless it's kind of brownish and singed..." Her voice tailed off.
"Yes, that's it," Egon said and nodded. "You saw it, after all?"
"Kevin! Give that here!" Her voice almost cracked. "Egon, I must have put it in my paperback as a bookmark. I thought it was some waste paper. Kevin's got the scroll. That kid is potentially dangerous no matter what, so what's with the scroll, Doctor? Is it something that will put the end to our civilization?" She sounded harsh.
"Listen to me," Egon said to her. "You must make him stop reciting. There are some words in Hebrew written on it that mustn't be outspoken. I'm sure nothing will happen, but we'll join up at your place as soon as possible."
"Hold it just one second," Janine objected. "You say it's nothing to worry about, but four Ghostbusters will make an emergency mission to get that old piece of paper back? It's my birthday tomorrow, Egon! My twenty-fifth! My parents and kin is here, you can't..."
"Get the scroll back from Kevin, make him stop reciting and keep it away from dirt."
"Dirt? Should I iron it for you, as well?" Janine inserted.
"We're on our way," Egon said and hung up.
We're crashing Janine's birthday party?" Peter asked Egon when Winston made a left turn in order to drive up on Janine's street in Brooklyn. "Wow, she's gonna be mad at us this time! Don't let her get a chance to make us pay up for damages. The figures in our books are much too red."
"There won't be damages," Egon said sternly and stepped out of Ecto-1.
"How old's she gonna be?" Winston asked.
"Twenty-five," Egon chopped.
"We haven't even thought of it!" Ray woefully said and put the proton accelerator on his back. "We have to buy her a present, don't we, guys?"
"She'll love this present," Peter said and turned on his proton gun. "Rock'n'roll!"
"It's not until tomorrow and we'll have to be subtle about getting the scroll back," Egon explained. "Her family's there."
"Oh jeez, I didn't even comb my hair," said Ray.
"Borrow one of Egon's hairpins," advised Peter. "I'm sure he's got some to spare."
"We'll be as subtle as four Ghostbusters in full gear can be," said Winston, not sounding sarcastic even as he probably was.
"Egon!" Janine screamed from her window, her voice being carried far. "Hurry up!"
"Oh man," Winston sighed.
They started to run along the sidewalk and into the building in which Janine had her apartment. Halfway up the stairs, a scared cat came catapulting in the other direction. Their gear was clinkering and their footsteps were rumbling in the naked staircase.
"Mister Melnitz, Missis Melnitz," said Egon as Janine came out the door and the Ghostbusters spotted her parents in the hallway.
"Did you see a cat?" Janine asked them. "Mom, I said you shouldn't bring her!"
"The cat'll be okay," Peter said.
"Were's that scroll?" Ray wanted to know.
"Oy, if it isn't Doctor Spengler!" Janine's mother chirped and patted Egon's upper arms with both her hands. "I remember you so well, you were very fond of my mushroom soup when you visited us in Canarsie." She beamed at him.
"Mom!" Janine said sternly and looked her in the eyes.
"Jessica, can't you tell her to stop?"
"So that's your boyfriend?" Janine's sister Jessica asked. "Egon, I heard so much about you!"
"Oh man," Winston said again.
"Sorry, we're on a mission," Peter said and made way into the hallway. "Where's Kevin?"
"I'm so sorry for what my boy's done," Jessica excused herself. "He locked himself up in Janine's bedroom. I can't make him come out from there, but he adores you Ghostbusters so much, I'm sure..."
"Don't trust him. He's got a water gun," Egon mumbled to Peter.
"No protons!" Janine directed them. "If you make one mark on my bedroom door..."
"Okay, we heard you. It must be the first time something happens there," Peter interrupted and nudged Egon in the side.
"Mom!" Kevin's voice sounded, being a shriek. "Mom! I can't get out!"
Something else, which didn't sound like Kevin, roared loudly.
"No mercy on that door!" Winston commanded.
"How can this happen?" Ray asked himself and the others when he drew his weapon.
"Mom! Mom!"
There was a sloshing sound, thumping and crashes. The Melnitzes were turning white and Jessica pulled Winston's arm in order to make him start firing.
"Adjust thrusters, full power," Egon said.
They flipped the white switch button on top of their guns and made the accelerators spin wildly. Seconds later, their four rays of protons hit the door and threw it off its hinges. The lengths of the rays were skillfully adjusted not to go very far beyond the doorframe.
"What the heck is that?" Winston spat out when he saw the pillar-like creature in the bedroom, being the size of a man.
"Mom," Kevin cried from inside.
"I'll get the boy," Egon said and ran into the room before someone had the chance to protest.
"I'll fry Swamp Thing," Peter said and fired.
"No, Peter, don't!"
Ray's call came too late. The creature exploded in what looked like gray ectoplasm and only its feet were still standing on the floor. Egon seized Kevin and jumped over the pair of muddy feet of the creature just when the ooze on the walls and in the ceiling crept back to the feet and quickly rebuilt itself.
"Kevin!" Jessica called out and hugged her son.
"It's unscientific and unbelievable, but that's a golem," said Egon.
"Can't we just put the door back and leave it in there? Janine could use some company," Peter suggested.
"How is it possible? Kevin isn't a rabbi," Ray said.
"Where did he get that much dirt from to begin with?"
"Janine loves flowers," Egon pointed out and saw Janine nod speechlessly. "It came from the pots."
"We haven't got time for more planning than the usual plan B, guys," Winston reminded them and backed off, making sure the Melnitzes were behind him.
"It's only partly ectoplasmic," Egon explained. "It's carbon based, dirt given life, the Meth of Emeth."
"The Mets? Now this isn't making sense," Peter objected. "Should we make a homerun?"
"The scroll, called a shem, had Sefer Yezirah written upon it - in Hebrew of course," Ray said as he backed off. "From the Cabbala."
"The golem serves to protect Jews from prosecution," added Egon.
"Protect? He looks like he wants us for dinner!" Peter said. "We ain't Jews, Egon. We still dress in turtlenecks. He ain't gonna protect us."
"Yes, that's brilliant, Peter!" exclaimed Egon. "Janine, all of you - get in front of us."
"Are you crazy?" Winston asked him furiously.
"Do what he says!" Ray sided up with Egon. "It might work."
"Take off your proton accelerators," Egon ordered.
"I think I need to see to the cat," Peter mumbled.
The four Ghostbusters slowly took off their packs and put them aside. The golem stood still in the hallway, swaying back and forth like a drunk. It seemed not to know what to do next.
"You crazy scientist, it's working!" Winston mumbled.
"Kevin, ask it to leave," Egon continued. "Janine, go get the scroll. It must be in the bedroom."
"In the biggest flower pot," Kevin whispered and stared at the golem.
"This isn't a powerful golem," said Egon as Janine sneaked around the creature and got the beaten up scroll. "It hasn't been summed by a rabbi and it can't get more dirt than it got from Janine's pots, so it can't grow more."
"Yes, let's hope this will do," said Ray and let Kevin step forward. "A real golem can't be stopped at all, it's said."
The boy's voice trembled when he started speaking to the golem in Hebrew. The creature straightened its back and seemed to listen. Slowly it fell apart, specks of dirt landing on Janine's not so clean carpet. The head caved in and the arms fell off. The body fell on top of the muddy feet and something came from the heap of dirt, sounding like a long sigh. Kevin became very self secure and drew his water gun, hitting the remains of the golem with a victorious squirt and a mocking cry.
"You did it!" Jessica cheered and hugged Kevin. "The golem's gone!"
"Thank you so much, Ghostbusters," Janine's father said and shook their hands. "You have undoubtedly saved our lives."
"Well, actually, the golem thought that we were..." Ray began.
"We have nothing more to do here," Winston interrupted Ray, knowing that the chubby colleague was going to explain that the golem didn't see a threat until they arrived. "Let's get back to the Headquarters."
"What about my bedroom? What about all this dirt?" Janine asked and stared at what had been a golem, now being just a lot of soil on the floor. "My flowers! You're going nowhere until you replanted my flowers with that dirt. That includes you, buster," she said and pointed at Kevin with the scroll.
"Oy, I'll help you, dear," said Janine's mother. "I'm sure it'll be very pleasant to plant your flowers again, these are such nice young men. Afterwards we can all have some of that birthday."
"I'll water 'em!" squealed Kevin and let a generous water squirt hit Egon right in his face. The kid ran away laughing.
When they all had started replanting the flowers in pots and cleaning up the floors, Peter whispered to Winston: "I know what birthday presents I won't give Janine."
"What, homeboy?" Winston whispered back.
"No bookmark," hissed Peter. "No more flowers. Look what she does to them."
"Egon, dearest," said Janine's mother, "I heard that you planned taking Janine out tomorrow to a good restaurant. That is such a nice present."
"I did?" Egon stammered.
Janine looked at her mother, who winked at her.
"Yes, right," Janine caught on and put a geranium in a pot. "I'm really looking forward to it. Here, take this."
Egon took the geranium and didn't know what to say. When he saw how pleased the Melnitzes looked, he cleared his throat.
"It seemed like an appropriate birthday gift," he forced while his cheeks went red.
"Not so potentially disastrous as this," she pointed out and gave him the scroll. "You file it when you get back to the Headquarters, okay?"
"Affirmative," Egon agreed. "Under 'D' as in 'disastrous'."
"Under 'D' as in 'dinner' - birthday dinner," Janine said and smiled.
end
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