"I didn't expect it to look like this," said the Cat. "Not that I know what I had expected, but I wasn't expecting this."
"Don't be such a gimboid!" objected Rimmer, flaring his nostrils because he was getting slightly worked up. "It's obvious we're exactly where we should be. My calculations are always unblemished. There's absolutely no way this isn't late twenty-first century Hawaii."
The four arrivals took a few steps in order to leave the heavily trafficked street and continued their conversation on the sidewalk.
"I'm sure Hawaii didn't have so many high-rises," said Lister, his Liverpool accent having a sarcastic pinch. "Nor yellow cabs."
"With all respect, mister Rimmer, sir," started the mechanoid and looked at the strange piece of equipment he held in his hands, "it doesn't seem to be..."
"Oh, don't get started," snarled Rimmer in order to interrupt Kryten. "You're just out to prove me wrong, even when I'm obviously a hundred percent right. This is Hawaii. Period, end of sentence."
"If so, were are the girls in bikinis, handing you coconut drinks? The beaches? I can't smell a beach for blocks! Guys, you promised me there'd be things like that on Hawaii!" whined the Cat and combed his hair with a small silver comb, just to calm down.
"This," said Lister, "is New York. There's no question about it."
"What makes you so sure?" questioned Rimmer, having put his chin up in the air. "Why should I listen to someone telling me our coordinates, who's fallen asleep in London and woken up on Mimas?"
Lister pointed at a nearby newspaper stand that had the New York Times.
"Oh," snapped Rimmer. "That doesn't prove anything."
"I would be able to inform you, sirs, if I only could make the Hollyhop Drive function again," said Kryten and banged the equipment with the help of his fist.
"Hey, you!" said the Cat and made a by-walker come to a halt. "Where are we?"
"You can't ask like that!" Rimmer spat out. "He'll think you're a total smeghead - which, of course, you are."
"Sorry," grinned the Cat. "Can you please tell me where we are?"
"Good work, Cat," sighed Rimmer and turned around. "Just make us end up at the nuthouse. I'm sure they'll tell us where we are - or at least what we are. Totally irreversibly insane."
"Manhattan, New York," said the man to the Cat.
"Thanks, pal!" cheered the Cat.
"Now will you believe me?" Lister asked Rimmer.
"I'm sure I read somewhere that one time, in 2088 actually, the Hawaiians confused their Honolulu and New York," said Rimmer and tried to look important. "It's plain we ended up in that time-period. The confusion lasted only for a couple of days. If we just wait, this will prove to be Honolulu."
"Or it could be September first, 1988, on Manhattan", said Lister and pointed at a Times newspaper.
"I don't understand this," said the Cat and sniffed the front page. "Your magazines say just one thing, and it sure ain't saying that. It's a story about a mad parking meter. Why doesn't anybody deal with that once and for all?"
"This is no sniff book," said Lister shortly and turned to the others. "Kryten, what was that you said about the Hollyhop? To me, it sounded as if you provided us very important information in a bi- sentence."
"That the Hollyhop is malfunctioning?" wondered Kryten.
"Yes, that's what I meant," sighed Lister.
"You're saying we're marooned here?" screeched the Cat and wheeled around. "I can't believe it! I'll be needing my afternoon snooze in just seven minutes!"
"Marvellous," said Rimmer and gritted his teeth. "Absolutely splendid. We're stuck in Honolulu's worst outbreak of collective craziness in the history of mankind, and we can't get out of it. Lister, this is all your fault."
"Worse than that!" yelped the Cat. "After my snooze, I'll be needing my second afternoon shower! I'll smell like a human if I can't take my shower!" He sniffed his broad collar. "Phew, it's already getting to me."
"Kryten, can you fix the Hollyhop?" asked Lister.
"Yes, if we were on Red Dwarf," said Kryten. "Needless to say, sirs, we are in New York and not onboard our ship."
"Honolulu," objected Rimmer. "We're in Honolulu. Say it - I know you can't lie."
"We're in Ho... we're in Ho... in Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho..." Kryten slapped the back of his head and put an end to the loop. "I'm very sorry, mister Rimmer, sir, but as you said - I cannot lie. We're in New York."
"Who'd listen to a cleaning mechanoid anyway?" snapped Rimmer.
"We would," said Lister and looked at the Cat.
"Yeah," agreed the Cat. "I rather listen to him than to a dead guy."
Rimmer snorted loudly and took a few steps, just to prove how much that statement hurt his feelings. Being dead wasn't easy to cope with and he hated having it rubbed in his face.
"Is there any way you can fix it under these circumstances?" asked Lister. "Millions of miles and millions of years away from Red Dwarf?"
"I estimate that I'll be needing a fine soldering machine, a Tachmann MultiMate multimeter, and a few other instruments - all with the TX groinal socket adapter for efficient usage," said Kryten. "That will be a problem, since the TX standard wasn't invented until two hundred years from now."
"If you would want these things in 1988," said Lister, "where would you look?"
"At a TV repair firm," answered Kryten.
"We are most fortunate!" purred Rimmer. "I happen to know everything worth knowing about late twentieth century. In fact, what we are facing right now is a very typical such - I recognize the logotype. All Americans knew it back in those days, when TV was new."
Rimmer pointed at a pale green and red building, having an emblem over the door that looked like a fat white ghost being stuck in a traffic sign.
"Americans?" asked Lister. "I thought you said this was Honolulu?"
"Oh, shut up," snapped Rimmer and entered the Ghostbusters headquarters.
They all stepped inside and looked at the vehicle that was parked just inside. Lister couldn't help but to pat the fins and let out a series of sounds in excitement.
"It's a Cadillac, guys! I never saw any that was really real! It could use up all what's in the tank in no-time!"
"That's a good thing?" asked Rimmer.
"Rimmer, you're from Io," said Lister and put his cheek to Ecto- 1, smiling. "You wouldn't understand what an Earth guy feels when he sees a beauty like this."
"Speaking of beauty," whistled the Cat and ran to the redheaded young woman behind the desk. "Say, would you like to have sex with me? Don't say nothing and that'll mean 'yes', so we won't waste any time."
"I beg your pardon?" she asked, looking at what seemed to be an overexcited black man, about her age, wearing a zebra striped outfit with golden cuffs.
"All my six nipples are tingling!" said the Cat, grinning so widely that his pointed canine teeth were showing.
"I don't think you're compatible," said Lister coolly to the Cat. "Please excuse him, miss. You're not the same species anyway."
"We're compatible alright!" objected the Cat. "This relationship started almost a minute ago. I'm beginning to feel trapped, man - and I haven't even had sex yet! Two more minutes and I'm history."
"We just need a bit of help," said Lister to the secretary of the Ghostbusters. "We don't have a TV, but I hope you'll assist us anyway."
"I'm certain you need help," agreed Janine and looked at the four men.
"Do you have a bed and a shower?" asked the Cat. "I know you want to join, and I won't say 'no'."
"We'll will be needing some equipment, miss," said Kryten.
Janine gaped and wondered if it was time to hit the alarm button, just to get backed up.
"Don't be ridiculous," said Rimmer. "In Honolulu there are certain ethical codes. We must obey them before we stand a chance to get some aid."
He took a bow and performed the full-Rimmer salute by circling his hands next to his temples a few times. This, he hoped, would pass for a Hawaiian greeting ceremony.
"Doctor Venkman!" bellowed Janine. "Friends of yours!"
A dark-haired man in brown coveralls slowly walked down the stairs, sipping soda from a can.
"Are you a TV repairman?" asked Rimmer, just finishing his full- Rimmer salute.
"No, I'm the TV-chair man," said Peter. "How may I help you? Ghosts on the loose?"
"Ghosts?" echoed Lister. "No thanks - we've got one already."
He put his hand through the back of Rimmer's head and waved two fingers up from the inside.
"Stop that!" growled Rimmer. "You know I hate it!"
"That's a ghost!" exclaimed Peter, almost dropping his can. "Should I bust it, Janine?"
"They're all behaving like crazy," said Janine. "I thought you knew each other."
"Are any of you human?" asked Peter, wondering if his intentions would be too obvious if he ran to Ecto-1 and grabbed his proton pack.
"He is," informed Kryten and pointed at David Lister.
"That's typical," muttered Rimmer. "The least human person of us is the only one who's actually human."
"How many of you are ghosts?" asked Peter, hoping someone would actually answer that question.
"I'm a hologram!" reminded Rimmer in a stinging tone. "Not a ghost."
"Oh," said Janine. "So that's what the 'H' on your forehead is all about?"
"No, that stands for 'smeghead' - he just dropped the 'S' before we entered the building," said Lister. "Would you want me to pick it up for you, Rimmer?"
"Just go ahead, make fun of my state as being a deceased," snarled Rimmer. "If I was solid, I'd show you my right-hand uppercut. I used to be widely known for it."
"Yeah - they wondered how it was humanly possible that you broke all your fingers while the opponent remained unharmed," sniggered Lister.
"I'm a service cleaning mechanoid, he's the last human alive, he's a cat that evolved for three million years, and he's a computer simulated hologrammatic replication," said Kryten, pointing at the members of the Red Dwarf. "We would like to borrow some of your equipment."
Peter looked at Janine.
"Should we let them?" he asked her.
"Sure," said Janine and shrugged, starting to type again.
The Ghostbuster lead the way up the stairs, entering the laboratory of the upper floor. Egon and Ray were already there, while Winston showed up from the nearby bedroom when he heard the sound of so many feet in the stairs.
"Oh!" exclaimed Kryten when he saw the gadgets in the laboratory. "So old - and yet so ingenious!"
"Old?" echoed Egon, sounding a bit irritated.
"Well equipped for being a TV repair firm," said Kryten in amazement and grabbed a PKE-meter.
"Peter!" said Ray in a wondering tone. "What are they doing here?"
Lister quickly explained what was going on, which left Ray with an even more wondering expression on his face.
"Hey Krytie," said the Cat and tried to pull the mechanoid's sleeve even as he didn't have any, "what was that you said about messing up the universe if I did certain stuff? There wasn't any risk in having sex with pretty redheads, right?"
Ray looked immensely worried and put his fingers through his hair, seeming to want to hide behind Winston.
"It would most likely cause an irreversible flux, or change the future totally - even put an end to all known universes by making them curl upon themselves," explained Kryten. "Can someone please lend me a miniature screwdriver? Thank you, sir."
"I know about all that, it always bound to happen when I have sex," smiled the Cat. "So nothing's forbidden about it, then? Ta-ta, guys! I'll be downstairs."
"Not so fast," said Rimmer and grabbed the Cat's collar, making him stop. "If you have intercourse with that woman, you will make us vanish. All of us, including the future we used to live in. We're taking a risk even being here. If you put any kittens in her belly..."
"Are you talking about Janine?" growled Egon, looking sternly at the Cat. "Gentlemen, the door is right there."
"There will be no need, sirs," said Kryten modestly and showed them the Hollyhop. "All fixed! There wasn't much damage done. Being a cleaning mechanoid I should truly not know how to repair this, but - I overheard a few things back on the Nova 5, as I might have told you already."
"May I take a look at that?" asked Egon.
"I thank you for your hospitality," said Kryten. "Now, please hold on to the Hollyhop."
"Is he supposed to do that?" asked Lister, pointing at Egon, who was touching the handle just like the four Red Dwarf crewmembers.
"...and is he supposed to do that?" added the Cat, pointing at Rimmer, who was pushing the buttons as if he knew just what he was doing.
"No -" was the last thing the three remaining Ghostbusters heard from the Red Dwarf crew before the five persons disappeared.
"Oh, great," sighed Peter. "Now Egon vanished again. That's a very bad habit of his."
"Gosh! What should we do?" gasped Ray.
"Don't worry, homeboys," comforted Winston. "He'll always be back. He's probably in the Netherlands again."
The Ghostbusters heard a shrill scream from downstairs, obviously coming from Janine. They ran to the pole and slid down, ending up on the bottom floor. Egon was busy jumping off Janine's desk, looking a bit ashamed.
"I'm sorry I was gone for so long," he said. "We encountered a few problems when I was supposed to be sent back."
"Yes, having you out of sight for three seconds always makes me so very worried," bantered Peter.
"Three seconds?" echoed Egon. "I was gone for twelve hours and forty-one minutes!"
"He might be right," giggled Janine. "He didn't have that stubble just recently."
"Okay, Egon," said Peter. "I guess you want to write some kind of report now and get the Nobel Prize. As for the rest of us - anyone care for lunch? I'm starving."
"Lunch? In the middle of the night?" objected Egon, looking weary.
"Don't listen to him - he's got a time-space jetlag," said Winston. "Scotty, let's get beamed up to the kitchen."
the end
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