Past Desires



England . . .

Micky looked at the calendar and saw that it was December 21, the last Friday before Christmas.  He had the next three weeks scheduled free because of the holidays.  No one could give their hundred percent in working so why ask them to come in to work.  He learned that a long time ago.  When he was asked to come in to record or do a segment of the show during the holidays he grumbled every moment he got to tell them, the people responsible for him being there, that the timing really sucked.  Now he was one of them and he tried to remember how he felt.

“Micky, they are ready for the next shot,” his assistant told him.

“Thanks.” Micky absently answered, “Be there in a minute.”

He thought for a moment, looking at the picture he kept with him while he worked.  On his make shift desk, where the script and his notebook of notes were stationed, the picture reminded him of the fun from his past.  It was a picture of him standing with three other guys that caused a frenzy that rivaled the Beatles.  But something else was going on, something that only he knew about and still today, he only knew about, he liked on his friends to the point that he loved him from afar.  Micky sighed and rechecked his notes.  He wanted to get this scene in the can, then he could tell the cast and crew that they were done for the day and that their vacation was officially started.

**** ****

Mike looked up at his assistant who seemed to find pleasure in bringing him more paper work for him to look over and sign here and there.

“Can you find anything else to do than keep bringing contracts?”

“This is the last day of the month officially so you need to do two weeks of work now,” she chided him.

“And who gave you the authority to tell me this?”

“You did.  I believe in the job description it says ‘task master,’” she smiled at him.

Mike pondered this announcement and answered, “Put it on the agenda for January to review your job description.”

“Duly noted.” She left the room but looked back in.  “Don’t forget to read that contract from Warner.  I don’t think it is what you wanted from them.  If I were you, I would reject the offer.”

“Noted,” he absently answered.

Mike looked at the stack of papers before him.  He sat back to take a break from the paper pushing.  He looked around his desk and settled on a picture on his desk.  It was a picture of his past that got his boot into the door of the entertainment business.  The picture of lifetime ago sat, staring at him with four happy go lucky faces.  His sight settled on the curly haired guy that stood next to him.  Things were different back then but Mike had a passion that he couldn’t tell anyone about.  Mike wished he could have said something, but he was married with kids, he couldn’t tell the people around him that he really liked his friend.  That was then, Mike thought.  He sat back up to start reading through the contracts that his assistant decided to torment him with.

*** ** ***

Micky finished the scene and announced a good night to his cast and crew.  “See you after New Years,” he announced in the blow horn.  Within ten minutes the sound stage sounded eerily vacant.  He never could have guessed they could move that fast.  “I wished they moved that fast when I’m trying to get extra scenes squeezed in.”  Micky picked up his script, notebook and picture and placed them in his briefcase.

Micky went out of the sound stage and got into his BMW to head to his home in northern London.  Moving through the traffic, Micky tried to think what he was going to do for the next three weeks.  With two ex wives and four daughters that lived with their mothers Micky had sent his gifts a few weeks back to them.  As it stood, he would be alone for Christmas.

He pulled off the road to the gate that surrounded his home.  It opened upon the punch of the gate opener and he pulled through.   After pulling through, the gate closed, closing him off from the outside world.  He stopped the car in front of the home and walked up the steps to the double door.  He entered the home looking around the foyer.  He had the house decorated for the holidays.  The smell of bayberry and the site of trees here and there decorated in different motifs.

He made his way to a room that he had made into his office.  He set his briefcase down on his desk and sat down.  He wanted to do something but he couldn’t bring it to his mind what he wanted.   “I want to do something but . . . ” Micky looked at the picture on his desk.  Again it was a picture of him with Davy, Peter and Mike.

Micky knew what he wanted to do, ask Mike what his plans were.  Maybe you can see him or talk him into coming here.  Micky picked up the phone and dialed Mike’s work number.  They talked every few weeks so it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for him to call.

“Nesmith Holdings,” the female voice answered.  Micky recognized it to be Mike’s assistant, Sharon.

“Sharon. Micky.  Is the boss around?”

“Just a moment, I’ll connect you Micky.”

Micky listed to the Muzak for a moment then heard Mike pick up.  “Micky.  Not bad timing, I was just thinking about you.”

“You were?  That’s a scary thought.” Micky tried to joke.

“How’s filming going?”

“It’s there.  Just gave the cast and crew three weeks off for the holidays.  Two weeks to celebrate and one week to recover.”

“Guess you did remember how you acted when you were on the other side of things.”

“Try to.”

“So what’s going on with you?  Plans for the holidays?”

“Actually that is why I was calling.  I wanted to see if you would be interested in coming over.  I know it’s short notice, but there is no one here and I really can’t get away to come over to the States.”

Mike knew that Micky hated being alone.  The first year they were together as a group.  Micky was constantly hanging out with someone to keep company.  It finally came to be known to them that Micky had one true fear, to be left alone for to long.

Mike knew it took some effort for Micky to admit this to him now.  “Well, there isn’t too much on my agenda.  The kids really hadn’t committed to coming to the ranch so I can tell them due to lack of interest I have taken on other plans.”

Micky smiled, “Would you be interested then in a little holiday in the British Isles then?”

“I’ll get Sharon to get the arrangements made and I’ll be there before Christmas,”  Mike announced.

“You won’t regret it.” Micky told him.

“I don’t think I will Micky.  I think it’s time to spend some time with you, the time I wanted to spend with you back then.”

“Sounds serious Mike.” Micky was intrigued by the comment.

“Let’s say I want to talk to you about something but I can’t do it over the phone.”

“Okay, I’m intrigued but I’ll wait till you get here.  Fax me the details and I’ll meet your flight.”

“Sure thing.”

Mike hung up the phone and saw Sharon looking at him.  “Claire is already calling around for a Saturday night flight to London.”

“You heard?”

“Kind of guessed.  Micky doesn’t call unless he is in a bind of some sort and it’s the holidays.”

“Are we that predictable?”

“When it involves Micky, yes.  He has a problem, he calls you and you fix it with words or actions.  This time action.”

“This time I’m hoping I’ll fix something more, and that will be action too.”

“Does he know about your obsession?” Sharon walked in closer to talk to her friend.

Mike looked up at Sharon, he was more surprised than anything.  “How’d you know?”

“It’s the way you get when he calls.  It’s like a boyfriend calling me, I get excited.  You get excited.”

Mike laughed at himself.  “I’ll contain myself next time.”

“Right,” she smiled at him.  “Finish up on those contracts and we’ll see about getting that flight booked for you.”



the dream . . .

Micky was looking at Mike who was studying the large tree that was set up in the formal room.  He studied the man that stood there before him.  Mike turned and asked Micky a question.

“If you could have anything in the world what would it be?”

Micky took a step toward Mike and asked “You won’t deck me or anything will you?”

“Why would I do that?” Mike asked.

“Because what I want in the world is to have you.” Micky stepped toward Mike too only have a small distance between them.  Micky moved again to bring his lips to Mike’s for a kiss that he had been dreaming about for ten years.

The annoying alarm goes off announcing to Micky that it was time to wake up.  Slowly trying to find out which sheet had him bogged under, he finally moved an arm to turn off the buzzer that killed his dream.  Slowly flipping onto his back, he thought about the last dream.  He announced to Mike his one indulgence.  He could only hope that Mike wouldn’t deck him for such a thought.

“Need to get up Dolenz, you have company coming and you need to get a few things before he arrives.”  Micky unwrapped the rest of his body and headed to the bathroom.

Micky went downstairs to fix himself some coffee and warm up some English muffins.  He stopped in his office to see a three-page fax from Sharon in regards to Mike’s iternary.  Mike was scheduled to fly into Gatwick airport Sunday morning.

Micky smiled at himself, in less than two days, Mike would be with him for the holidays.

** ** **
Mike packed his suitcase Saturday morning.  His daughter Jessica had called and he told her that he had made other plans since no one would commit for a family party.  Mike was going to relax on this trip.  He packed his typical clothing, jeans, shirts and one nice suit, for he knew Micky would like to go out and have a good dinner.  Each time he got with Micky, he would eat himself senselessly and still not gain from it.  Mike chuckled to that thought.  Though it had been a few years, they hadn’t changed much.  He had always liked the controlling factor of the business.  He had a good head for business.  Micky always liked experimenting, directing, and that is what he was doing.  Even the others were pursuing their heart’s work.  Peter was still making music, playing folk and jazz and Davy was still singing his showman tunes on Broadway and in London’s West End.  Occasionally they would get together and play a few dates to keep the memories alive for both themselves and the fans.

He added to the suitcase a few gifts for Micky.  He had found a few things that Micky may not have for his memorabilia room that he had of his past works and some arts supplies that he knew Micky would be looking to use for an outlet within the first week of being there.

Mike closed up his suitcase, thinking to what the future held.  He could only hope that Micky would see how much he was loved.

** ** **
Micky stood outside of the customs area waiting for Mike to come through the area.  While waiting he had signed a few autographs for people that had recognized him.  Micky was a bit nervous.  He had been thinking to what Mike had said on the phone that they had to discuss something that couldn’t be said on the phone.  He knew what he hoped it would be but he could only wish.

Soon he saw the Texan make his way through the crowd.

Mike spotted Micky standing a bit away from the crowd watching the people come through the process called customs.  He was happy they didn’t detain him any as he made his way through the different posts.  First the line to declare why you were entering the country, “holiday” he answered.  The guard looked at his name and then looked up.  “No woolhat?” the guard asked.  “Not today.”   Better to answer nicely than say you gave it up a long time ago.   Second stop was finding his luggage was easy for once.  Then on to the cattle run, Mike always compared it to, people funneling through a corridor, where customs picked off their potential victims.  Mike gave a smile when he cleared the hurtle.  All he had to do now was find Micky.  Standing a bit away from the crowd, he saw the curly haired man.  Micky gave a wave while Mike gave a nod.  Once beyond the barriers, Mike made his way to his friend.

Micky gave him a hug.  Though Mike was a rare emotional person, when it came to Micky, he would give in to the man’s emotional showings.

“Man you look beat.” Micky announced as they started to make their way to the garage.

“Thanks a lot man.  Saying this to a guy, who on a spur of the moment decided to see your ass,” he joked back.  “No, the flight was a bit rough.”

“Sorry to hear that.”  They made it to the crossing and moved on.  Micky took a long look at his friend while the waited for traffic to make it way past.   “Well we’ll keep you going till seven then we’ll let you drop.”

Mike brought his hand up to the bridge on his nose, rubbing it to relieve the stress in his head.  “I keep reminded myself why I hate trans-Atlantic travel, jet lag.”

“That’s why I stay over here.” Micky told him. They moved across the walkway and down a row of cars, to stop in front of the black BMW. 

Mike gave a slow whistle while Micky placed his suitcase in the trunk.  “Nice car.”

“It moves nice, supposedly.  It handles well at great speeds.”

“Supposedly?” Mike asked while he got in on the passenger side.  “You haven’t opened her up yet?”

“Been too busy, haven’t been that far out of London in six months.”

“Guess we’ll have remedy that sometime.” Mike said as he buckled in.

Mike leaned around to watch Micky.  They talked while he made his way through traffic.  Micky had adapted to living in Britain well.  His clothes were as chic as they had been with the times with Monkees and his hair still had the crazy curl thing going on.  But Mike could feel a different attitude in Micky.  He was showing mix emotions.  He was starting to get hyper, talking non stop asking questions about Mike’s business but there was something else coming off him, something he hadn’t felt before from his friend.  He would have to find out what was troubling his friend.

Micky pulled up to the front of the house and helped Mike with his luggage.

Mike looked around the foyer and looked back at Micky.  “Decked it out didn’t you?”

“Had a decorator do it up at the end of November.  It sounds dumb to do, especially when no one was coming around to see me.”

“The girls?”

“With their mothers in the states.  It wasn’t in the cards this year to see them,” Micky said with a hint of sadness in his voice.  Micky shook his head and ran his hand through is curly hair.  “Want the two penny tour?”

They walked the first floor, walking by or through rooms that Micky announced as: the formal room, the informal room, kitchen, dining room, office, and sitting room.  Mike grabbed the suitcase while they went upstairs to see the six bedrooms.  Mike took a room across from Micky’s.

“Let’s see what we can find for lunch.”

“You and food.” Mike laughed.

“Always.” Micky affirmed.

Over sandwiches and vinegar chips, they discussed what they wanted to do over the two weeks.

“Since I’m here, I would like to see Charles Dickens.” Mike told him.

“Already done.  We have tickets for tomorrow night.”

“Any exhibits of interest?”

“The Victoria Albert has a few things that I haven’t seen yet.”

Micky liked Mike, he liked to take things in like he did when they were on off mode.  They complimented each other well at times.

After lunch they went to the informal room.  Micky had games.  They set up a chess game and sat down to a game.  Mike had taught Micky the game while they were on the set of the show in between shots.

They finished their third chess game a little after six.  Micky stood up and stretched.  Mike had won the first two games and Micky suspected due to exhaustion lost the third for lack of concentration.

“What would you like to eat before going to bed?” Micky asked.  “I have peanut butter and bananas?”

Mike gave a choked response.  That had been Micky’s favorite midnight snack when he crashed at Mike’s place.  “I’ll pass on that.  What do you normally eat?”

Micky shrugged, “Whatever I pick up on the way home.  Cooking for one isn’t the top thing on my list.”

Mike went into the kitchen and started looking through the cabinets.  “We need to go shopping tomorrow.  There is no way I’m living on restaurant food for two weeks.”

They made sandwiches and sat in the informal room, watching the telly.  Mike started nodding off on the sofa where he had gotten comfortable.

Micky gave him a shake on the shoulder, “Come on, off the bed.”

Mike opened his eyes, getting his bearings.  He looked up to Micky.  “Sorry, nodded off.”

“Well your body is trying to say you lost a day.”

“It did lose a day.” Mike answered.

Micky laughed as he helped Mike to the stairs and up.  He walked him to his door and into his room.  “Think you can handle it from here?”

“If not, I’ll just sleep in my clothes, won’t be the first time.”

“See you in the morning.”

the dream . . .

Micky was looking at Mike who was studying the large tree that was set up in the formal room.  He studied the man that stood there before him.  Mike turned and asked Micky a question.

“If you could have anything in the world what would it be?”

Micky took a step towards Mike and asked “You won’t deck me or anything will you?”

“Why would I do that?” Mike asked.

“Because what I want in the world is to have you.” Micky stepped toward Mike too only have a small distance between them.  Micky moved again to bring his lips to Mike’s for a kiss that he had been dreaming about for ten years.

Mike brought his arms around him, pulling him closer.  Micky sighed, this is what he had been wanting for so long.  Micky opened his mouth wanting more.  Mike took the invitation, kissing him.  Mike pulled back and looked into Micky’s eyes.  “You don’t know how long I have been wanting to do that,” he said in a whisper.

Micky held the extra pillow close to him, smiling in his sleep. 

Mike had woken up early and came to look in on Micky to see if he had woken up early.  He found him holding the pillow having a good dream.  Mike felt a twinge of jealous.  He knew the holding of a pillow dream, was Micky having a sex dream.  It was only a dream Mike told himself as he left to go downstairs to start some coffee.  He would let Micky sleep.  He doubted Micky had time to sleep in with his schedule, a late morning wouldn’t hurt him.

** ** ** *
Micky came down the stairs with a sunnier disposition than he had in sometime.  He bounded down the stairs humming a tune that he hadn’t done in a long time, All your toys.  He stopped in his office to see if anything of importance had been faxed in or messages on the business phone.  He proceeded to the kitchen and saw that coffee had been made.  He poured himself a cup and went into the back room, finding Mike stretched out on the couch reading the paper.

“Merry Christmas Eve.” Micky said happily.

Mike notice the demenar of his friend had lifted.  “Merry Christmas Eve.” Mike returned.  “So what’s on the agenda.”

“You want to go grocery shopping?  I don’t need anything else.  And we have plans for dinner out and the theater.”

“At least with the theater here, you don’t have to deck out for it.”

Micky gave an exaggerated performance of “Just come and enjoy the theater, for we are all but actors.”

They finished their coffee and went out to the car to go shopping.  “Remember, it is your idea of shopping and the local’s idea of shopping are different.” Micky reminded his friend.

“How so?”

“You shop to fill the cabinets.  They shop to have food for the evening. It’s the way of life around here.”

“Micky, you don’t even have the basics in that kitchen.”

“I do so, coffee, bread and peanut butter.  What more could I want?”

Mike shook his head and got in the car.

*** ** ** ***
Mike put the groceries away while Micky took a phone call from his daughter Ami.  She had called to wish him Merry Christmas.  Micky walked into his office and closed the door. 
Mike looked at his watch to see Micky had been in his office for half an hour.  He went to the door and faintly heard crying.  Mike knew he missed his daughters. He knocked on the door, then he opened it to see Micky trying to wipe the tears from his cheeks.   He walked over and held Micky against him.

Micky brought his arms around Mike’s waist and cried once more.  To feel the loss of being separated from the one’s he loved, he hurt inside.  Normally he could keep it at bay but it was Christmas and he felt so lonely.  He was glad Mike had come.  He loved Mike so deeply.

Mike put his hand to the curly hair to hold Micky close.  It was strange, showing support, but in the past, when he was alone with Micky, he would comfort him.  It was Mike who heard the news of the divorce from Samantha.  Mike had just gone through his own divorce when Micky had come to the house to tell him the news.

“It’s okay Micky.”

“I miss them all Mike.  My girls,” he sobbed against Mike’s shirt.

Micky slowly eased up and pulled away from Mike.   He rubbed his face once more.  “Sorry about that,” he said sheepishly.

“It all right man.” Mike stepped back.  “I think I’ll get food together for lunch.   I’ll call you when I get it together.”

Micky nodded, thanking Mike for giving him some space.




They took a taxi to the west end to have dinner at a hole in the wall restaurant that they had gone to while they visited London in their hey day.  They walked the few blocks from the restaurant to the theater.  On their way they heard a call from across the street.  “What are you two blimey blokes doing here?”

Mike looked across the way to see Davy. 

Mike and Micky  made their way to a pedestrian crossing and got across as soon as it changed.  They gave Davy a hug.

“I knew he was working here, but what brings you over?” Davy asked Mike.

“Micky couldn’t come back to the states so I came over.” Mike explained.  “I thought you were in the states, working on Broadway?”

“Came home last week for spell.  I’m on my way to see A Christmas Carol with Anita.  I had an errand to run so I’m meeting her at the theater.”

“So are we.” Micky explained.

They started walking down the walkway to the theater.

** ** **
They shared a taxi with Davy and Anita, dropping them off at their house.  They continued on to Micky’s home. 

They fixed themselves a late night drink and went to the formal room.  Micky noticed a few gifts were added to the large tree.  Mike stood before the tree.  Micky took a second look.  It was just like his dream.

Mike noticed Micky giving a weird look, “You okay?”

“Just a sense of de ja vu.”

“Really now?  From what?”

“A dream I had been having for the last few mornings.”

Mike looked at him, “Did you have it this morning?”

Micky looked at him with a puzzled look, “Yeah, I did.”

Mike walked over to him and asked him a question.  “What would you like for Christmas?”

“It’s supposed to be ‘If you could have anything in the world what would it be?’” Micky told him.

“Well?”

Micky looked at Mike, “You.”

Mike smiled and stepped closer.  “I was hoping you would say that.”

Micky stood his ground, hoping in what Mike would do.  Mike closed the  gap between them and  brought his lips to Micky’s, giving him the kiss Micky desired.

Micky closed his eyes, feeling the pressure of Mike’s lips to his.  He opened his mouth, greedy for more.  Mike obliged and explored more.

When Mike pulled back, Micky was blushing.   Mike held him close, whispering in his ear “I’ve been wanting to do that for more than ten years.”

Micky stepped back and looked at his friend, then gave a Micky smile, “Why did you wait so long?”

Mike took in the look and the words and shook his head.  “Why did I even say that,” he muttered to himself.

Micky stepped forward.  “If you only knew how much I wanted you Mike.  To know that someone was there to be strong for me.  I’ve always looked at you through many levels.  Some I had to keep to myself because I thought you would be disgusted with me.”

Mike put the palm of his hand against Micky’s jaw, “I could never be disgusted with you.  Your pouty lips, your crazy hair and that sense of humor to keep us going when things were down.  I looked at you more than once.”

Micky laid his head on Mike’s shoulder, just enjoying the simple fact that Mike was thinking about him like he thought of Mike.  Mike held him close, knowing that Micky needed the few minutes to get his mind in gear.

“Micky?” Mike whispered.

“What?” Micky replied in such a way that it sounded like he had been awakened.

“Are we going to stand here all night or are we going to do a little action?” he said with a joking lilt to his voice.

Micky pulled back from the embrace. “Let’s go to bed.  You get this room turned off and I’ll get a few things from the kitchen.” 

Mike nodded and watched Micky leave the room.  He unplugged the tree and snuffed out the candles that Micky had earlier lit.   He met Micky at the stairs.  Micky had a few items in his arms, two glasses, champagne, and a can of whip cream.  Mike took the two glasses and looked at him with a questioning face “Whip cream?”

“You know, dessert.”



** ** **
Micky led Mike into his room.  The room was large, with a king bed on the far wall that was sided by matching side tables.  There was a fireplace on a side wall to be faced by two comfortable chairs. 

They laid down their items onto a side table to the bed and then looked at each other.  They stared at each other for a moment.  Mike took the step to hold him, bringing him close.

“Ah man, I can’t believe . . . ” Mike whispered into Micky’s ear.

“You are here.” Micky finished.  His thought was the same of Mike’s and it made him smile his typical Micky smile.

Micky moved to give the Texan a kiss.  It was a kiss of promise and new. 

Mike moved to start unbuttoning Micky’s shirt, revealing the soft skin beneath.  He wasted no time to start on the waist button and zipper to the pants that Micky was wearing.

Micky found himself skillfully maneuvered to be on his back on the bed totally naked.  Mike leaned over him, kissing him a harder kiss, a kiss showing there was more to come.  Mike trailed kisses down Micky’s neck and bare chest.   Micky went to hold Mike’s shoulders, but Mike moved his hands to his sides, holding them.  This was Mike taking control.   Mike kissed down the thin line of dark hair, Micky’s cock was in full stance.  Mike moved to kiss the left hip.  Micky brought his hips off the bed.

“Mike?” Micky cried out softly.

Mike laughed, “Micky relax, enjoy this.”

Micky closed his eyes and realized he was in for torment but he wouldn’t last the first time that long.  “I’m to close,” he breathed.

Mike moved to take the Micky in his mouth.  Maybe if he did get him off, he would be able to play some more with the curly minx.

Micky raised his hips to the rhythm that Mike moved, coming quickly in Mike’s mouth.

Mike finished licking Micky till he was spent then moved up to look down at him, moving to hold him.  “Kind of quick there weren’t you?”

Micky gave a little laugh, “Been awhile since I had more than a hand.”

“Ready for something more?”  Mike kicked off his shoes and stood to undress.  Once he was naked, he laid down next Micky. 

For several minutes, they explored with their hands and mouths, finding spots that made them moan or laugh. 

Mike found himself on his back looking up into Micky smiling face.  “So who gets on top?” Micky asked.

Mike had a few male encounters and was usually on top.  He knew Micky had more experience in encounters like this.  “What do you want?” Mike asked.

“I want to make love to you.” Micky said in a serious tone.  “You can love me the next time.”

It wasn’t a matter of trust, they always trusted each other.  Miked nodded.  “Love me Micky.”

Micky moved away to get something from a drawer and returned.  He opened a plastic container and brought his fingers to Mike.  He slowly pushed in his finger, moving it slowly in and out, letting Mike relax.  Then he added the second finger, and third.  Mike relaxed to Micky’s ministrations. Micky pulled the fingers away and shifted his body.

Slowly Micky rocked into Mike, settling in deeper with each movement into Mike.  Micky kept slowly rocking in and out, finding the spot for Mike’s inner pleasure.  He could tell when Mike’s eyes raised in awareness.  Micky started stepping up the pace, watching Mike’s hold on his reality slip away.  Micky smiled, glad for once to show the Texan something new.   Micky however was losing himself to the feeling of being in a tightness and his one body wanting to find it’s release.  Mike ground his hips against Micky, bringing him closer.  Mike started to quake with his own release which moved through to tighten around Micky making him release.

Mike took Micky into his arms, holding him close. Micky moved to kiss his friend.

Mike shifted so they were on their side, holding Micky close to him.  He brought his lips to Micky’s ears.  “Merry Christmas.”

Micky looked to Mike, “Dreams to come true,” he said with sleepy wonder.

“Yes they do come true shotgun.”

“Merry Christmas Mike.” Micky settled into the crook of Mike’s arms and fell asleep into a dreamless sleep for he had what he wanted . . .  Mike.

@ 2005 Tommy Boy fan fiction * design and content by Paula C. *