Love.

You know the saying - love is a four letter word? It is. In this case, it could be several four letter words. Hurt, pain, rage, need, want, they all amount to the same thing - love.

Xander loves Spike. He has loved him from the first time he lashed out at him, from the first time he was finally able to purge himself of the rage and humiliation that filled him beyond the breaking point. He has loved him since the first time he pushed himself into that cold hard body, felt his flesh tear and his blood flow.

He loved him even more when Spike begged him to do it again. When he learned that he was loved in return. Because believe or not, Spike loves Xander as well. He loves him for the pain he gives him, the humiliation, the submission. He loves him for giving him something to hold onto, something that is real when everything else is illusion. He loves Xander for being more of a mess than he is.

Quite a pair they make. One stumbling into a life of dominance that he has no place in. The other, a master in his own rights, submitting to the clumsy efforts of a man who is barely more than a boy. But it works for them. Both of them shunned, unwanted, unloved by those around them. They give to each other what no one else will, what no one else wants. Their love - twisted as it may seem.

From the first night that he slept without dreams, without the horror of his past come back to haunt him, Spike has loved Xander. He loved him the way he never loved anyone, submissively. Even Angelus was not loved this way, William never submitted completely to his sire. He fought, kicked, clawed, and sometimes pretended, but he never submitted. But then, he was a vampire then, a true demon. Now he was not.

For one terrifying moment, Spike thought he would be given back to his sire. To be made to submit to him, to endure humiliation at the hands of the monster who had taken his life. Then Xander stepped in, saving him, protecting him… loving him. Spike knew then that his love was not misplaced, that he had decided wisely when he chose to trust Xander.

For Xander, the action was completely instinctual. On some level he knew that Spike was his. That Angel was there to take him from him and he couldn’t allow that. When he felt Spike cling to him, trembling in fear, something just clicked. He knew then, without a doubt that he loved Spike. Would love him for as long as he could.

Things changed for them after that. Spike still needed pain and Xander still needed to hurt someone. That was still a very big part of their relationship, but now it was only part of it, not all of it. On top of that there was now a level of comfort, of caring for one another. Spike no longer slept in the closet, he would curl himself around Xander in the early morning hours and fall asleep.

Theirs was not a love born of passion and romance, but of need and desire. There would be no candlelit dinners, no moonlit strolls on the beach. That wasn’t what either of them wanted. Gone were the romantic notions of perfect happiness in the arms of fair haired beautiful women. Buffy and Anya were things of the past and everything about them was best left forgotten. What they had now was so much stronger than that anyway.

Love isn’t always hearts and roses, sometimes it’s pain and bitterness. Sometimes it hurts and makes you bleed.

Love isn’t brains, it’s blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will. Love’s a funny thing.